Behavioral Addiction

From Psychologytoday.com:

What Is a Behavioral Addiction?
Reclaiming your life

By: Jon E. Grant, JD, MD, MPH, Brian L. Odlaug, PhD, MPH, and Samuel R. Chamberlain, MD, PhD

Ingesting drugs and alcohol may produce short-term rewards that then result in a lack of control over the behavior. Several behaviors similarly produce short-term rewards and result in a lack of control over the behavior. Diminished control is a core defining concept of substance addiction. This similarity between the behaviors we discuss in our book, “Why Can’t I Stop?” and substance addiction has given rise to the concept of behavioral addictions. The idea of behavioral addictions is based in scientific knowledge, but the concept is still controversial.
How does someone get addicted to something without putting an addictive substance into the body? We now know that the brain can react to behaviors much as it does to drugs or alcohol. Certain behaviors produce a strong reinforcement in the brain that makes us want to do them over and over again, even if they interfere with our lives. The reinforcement of the behaviors can be so strong that some people go through withdrawal when they stop the behavior, just as in drug and alcohol addiction. They may become agitated, have trouble sleeping, undergo personality changes, and be irritable.
The scientific evidence of brain imaging, psychological assessments, and treatment that links these behaviors to substance addiction is strongest for gambling addiction, but the evidence is growing for the other behaviors discussed in our book. There are skeptics, though, and some of these skeptics are the people who struggle with the behaviors. “I don’t think my hair-pulling problem is anything like someone who is addicted to drugs,” someone might say. “Although I struggle with controlling the behavior, I don’t think it’s that bad.” Keep in mind that there are levels of severity for any addiction. Although certain drug addictions lead to the complete devastation of people’s lives, this does not mean that every- one with a drug addiction has the same level of problems. Similarly, some individuals with behavioral addictions may have significant consequences due to their behavior (such as bankruptcy, arrest, homelessness), but others function fairly well despite the behavior.
Skeptics of the idea of behavioral addiction further raise concern about whether mental health practitioners are simply making up disorders such as these to sell more pharmaceutical medications. Although we agree that some mental health problems are overdiagnosed, the behaviors we discuss in our book have been recognized for more than a century (with the obvious exception of Internet addiction). We are not proposing the introduction of new disorders but instead are recategorizing existing behaviors as a means of reflecting the scientific data, and with the hope of providing more effective treatment approaches.

Dating apps & mental health

From talkspace.com:

4 Ways to Avoid Sabotaging Your Mental Health While on Dating Apps
By: Jessica Weinberger

When I joined the online dating scene in 2011, I strategically crafted my profile with the right keywords, phrases, and photos that I thought would grant me the best chance of landing a date, and hopefully, a long-term relationship that would end in marriage. It was challenging to accept this new level of vulnerability and publicly announce that I’m single, looking, and by the way, would you please pick me?
Dating apps like Bumble represent some of the highest-grossing social experiences in app stores worldwide. Bumble’s $1 billion valuation comes as it surpassed $100 million in revenue in 2017. It reached these heights by offering something different to the dating app experience: letting the other party initiate the conversation.
Dating in the modern era is a process that requires patience as you swipe, click, and message your way through a sea of potential significant others. To safeguard your mental health from the first day you create your profile, follow these key guidelines as you navigate dating apps.

1. Keep it Simple

It may be tempting to replicate your profile across a dozen dating apps to seemingly increase your chances of success, but think again. Managing connections across multiple platforms can leave your phone vibrating with notifications all day long, making you feel overwhelmed and exhausted before you’ve really dived in.
Choose one or two sites that fit with your end goals, beliefs, or interests, and focus on those. You’ll be more apt to find compatible matches before you burn out.

2. Know Your Deal Breakers

Connecting with hundreds of new people with an array of personalities and backgrounds is thrilling and a major benefit of online dating. It’s important that you enter into this virtual world with a set list of deal breakers to help you navigate through the maze of people.
Seeing an attractive photo may sway you to let up your preference for dating a non-smoker or someone without kids. Write down which characteristics are a must for you, and then stick with them.

3. Stay Strong in Who You Are

Clicking through Instagram-worthy profile photos day after day can negatively impact our self-esteem and confidence. Social media, in general, has been linked to higher levels of loneliness, envy, anxiety, depression, narcissism, and reduced social skills. In one survey, 60% of people using social media reported that it impacted their self-esteem, which the behavioral scientist attributed to only seeing the “highlight reel” of people’s lives.
Focus on building up your confidence when using dating apps by repeating positive affirmations, questioning your inner critic, and taking time for self-care.

4. Keep Real-Life Relationships and Activities

Building an online dating presence can be a priority while also keeping your real-life hobbies and activities. The likelihood of meeting a first date through a friend, for example, versus online may be less, but it’s your weekly painting session, favorite outdoor concert series, and love for travel that ultimately make you a more attractive match on online dating apps. Honor those passions and interests and hopefully, you’ll find someone to share them with.
Take time to also foster relationships with friends and family who can serve as an invaluable support network (and a great sounding board) for your online dating app adventure.

Be Open to The Excitement a New Opportunities Bring

Like any new experience, be open to where the opportunity may take you, while putting your mental health first. Schedule time to disconnect from technology so you can emerge refreshed and ready to interact with new people with a stronger sense of self. And don’t lose sight of possibilities that still exist outside of technology.
Anything is possible — even love online!

What is love addiction?

From PsychologyToday.com:



What Is Love Addiction?
By: Arash Emamzadeh

New research reviews love addiction and its potential treatments.


Love is in the air; we are only a few days away from Valentine’s Day. I love this time of the year. In fact, I love love. And I love seeing people in love. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if intense romantic love lasted forever? But what if such a desire for love becomes excessive in some people? Could love become an addiction? In a paper, published in the January–March 2019 issue of European Journal of Psychiatry, researchers Sanches and John discuss love addiction and its treatment.

What is love addiction?
Love addiction (also known as pathological love) refers to a “pattern of behavior characterized by a maladaptive, pervasive and excessive interest towards one or more romantic partners, resulting in lack of control, the renounce of other interests and behavior, and other negative consequences” (p. 39). In love addiction, immature love—love that is uncertain, external, blind, and beyond one’s control—permeates one’s life.

Prevalence of pathological love is 3-10%, but likely higher in certain populations (e.g., 25% in college students).

Pathological love must be distinguished from other conditions, such as dependent personality disorder or borderline personality disorder; in these disorders, the pattern of dysfunctional behavior is not limited to romantic love.

Love addiction also differs from psychotic disorders, sex addiction, and erotomania—a delusional disorder characterized by the assumption that another (usually high-status) person is in love with the individual.

What kind of disorder is love addiction?
There is no consensus on the diagnostic criteria for love addiction, nor agreements on what kind of disorder it is.

For instance, pathological love may be an impulse-control disorder—characterized by impulsivity and novelty-seeking.

Others believe pathological love is a mood disorder. Presumably, people with love addiction experience mood states (e.g., hypomania and elation) similar to those who are falling in love or are in the early stages of intense romantic love.

Another possibility is that love addiction belongs to the obsessive-compulsive spectrum; like people with obsessions, those with love addiction might experience repetitive and intrusive thoughts—except that their obsessions will be related to the person they love and not, say, health or cleanliness concerns.

Other researchers have proposed love addiction might be best understood as a biaxial continuum—with the vertical axis representing attachment-related behaviors, and the horizontal axis indicating reward-seeking and impulsivity. For instance, in some individuals, high impulsivity and reward-seeking behavior would co-occur with high levels of attachment behavior, resulting in obsessive or dependent kind of love; in others, high reward-seeking and impulsivity would co-occur with attachment deficits, resulting in high sexual interest and having multiple sex partners.


Due to the compulsive nature of love addiction, some have wondered: Could pathological love be an addiction? Obviously some researchers believe it is—hence the name, love addiction. Nevertheless, addictions appear to be very different from preoccupation with love: They involve ingestion of a chemical substance, craving, tolerance, withdrawal, desire to stop using but not being able to, and impairment in daily functioning.

If pathological love is an addiction, then it must be a behavioral addiction. Behavioral addictions (like gambling addiction) do not require the consumption of a psychoactive substance, but they share other characteristics with substance addictions. For instance, like a person in early stages of drug use, people addicted to love might at first experience intense pleasure, satisfaction, and euphoria. Then they become preoccupied with these experiences, showing signs of dependence like “increased amounts of the behavior to achieve the desired emotional effect”—in this case, “increased time spent love-seeking.”

Other signs of addiction to love would include “urges to continue engaging in the behavior despite trying to stop,” such as feeling alone and desperate when no longer in a relationship; and “persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control the behavior,” such as deciding to never fall in love again, yet replacing “ended relationships immediately.”

Treatment for pathological love
In their review, John and Sanches found few research studies on treating love addiction—none on pharmacological treatments, and only one on psychotherapeutic approaches.


Use of self-help groups (e.g., “Women Who Love Too Much”) was the most common psychosocial intervention.

A study which examined psychodrama group therapy found it effective in encouraging healthier relationships. However, the study did not use a control group, so further research is needed.

Other forms of therapy likely to be helpful in treating pathological love are cognitive-behavioral therapy (through challenging distorted thoughts about love) and psychodynamic therapy (by addressing attachment difficulties).

Given the similarities between pathological love and disorders reviewed earlier—obsessive-compulsive disorder, impulse-control disorders, and mood disorders—John and Sanches believe pharmacological treatments (e.g., antidepressants, mood stabilizers) might prove beneficial in treating specific symptoms of pathological love, such as obsessions or mood instability.

Concluding thoughts on love addiction
There now appears to be “abundant behavioral, neurochemical, and neuroimaging evidence to support the claim that love is [or could be] an addiction, in much the same way that chronic drug-seeking behavior can...signal an addiction.”

As we have seen, love addiction (or pathological love) may be a behavioral addiction characterized by attempts to regain extremely pleasurable feelings associated with the state of being deeply in love. Addiction to love has been linked with reckless behavior and negative outcomes affecting one’s daily life (e.g., work difficulties).

Psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy may be helpful in treating certain symptoms of this condition though research on treatments is limited.

Like other addictions, love addiction is associated with pleasure but also suffering. The authors end their review by capturing the pleasure and pain of addiction to love by paraphrasing Shakespeare thus: “If you love and get hurt, love more; if you love more and hurt more, love even more; if you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more.”

Addictive personality

I found this article on addictive personalities and it's a very enlightening read. From WedMD.com:


Do You Have an Addictive Personality?
By: Marisa Cohen


Whether it pops up in an article about a celebrity who can’t seem to kick his drug habit, or your friend uses it as a joking excuse why she can’t tear herself away from the game Candy Crush, the phrase “addictive personality” gets tossed around a lot these days.

The basic idea: While most people can have a cocktail, buy a lottery ticket, or even experiment with drugs without getting hooked, those born with a specific personality type are wired to fall down the rabbit hole of addiction the moment they take their first sip, smoke, or bite.

You may wonder: Do I have an addictive personality?

“Addictive personality is not an actual psychiatric diagnosis,” says Michael Weaver, MD, medical director of the Center for Neurobehavioral Research on Addiction at the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston. “Personalities are very complex, and while there’s not one specific type that’s more prone to addiction than others, there are several factors that can combine to make you more likely to become addicted.”


Research studies are ongoing, but here’s what we know:

You may have something in your genes: “It has absolutely been proven over and over again that there is a genetic component to addiction,” Weaver says. For example, by studying twins as well as children who were born to addicted parents but then adopted by non-addicted families, scientists have found that your genes are responsible for about half your likelihood for becoming addicted.

Genes alone aren’t enough: Even if you come from a family with a long history of addiction, it doesn’t mean you’re destined to follow in their footsteps. Many other factors, such as the friends you hang out with, your education, your social support, and the environment you grow up in will all play a part in whether you become addicted.

“You can’t exhibit addictive behaviors to a substance unless you’re exposed to that substance,” says J. Wesley Boyd, MD, PhD, an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School.

Yes, if you have one addiction, you're more likely to have another: Studies of college students confirm that if you’re addicted to one thing, say alcohol, you are more likely to have an additional addiction, like cigarettes. That may be partly because of genetics and partly because of what’s around you: “If you’ve been in a situation where there is alcohol or drugs available, there are probably also going to be cigarettes there, too,” Weaver says.

There’s no medical test to determine who may develop an addiction, but there are certain personality traits that are more common among people who have addictions:

A love of excitement: Driving fast, taking risks, having sexual flings, and doing drugs all provide a rush of dopamine, a chemical in the brain that makes you feel pleasure. Addictive people crave that surge in dopamine more than others, Boyd says.

The need for more to get the same thrill: “People who are prone to addiction say the best they ever felt in their life was the first time they tried heroin or had a drink,” Boyd says. As their addiction grows, they develop tolerance and need to consume larger quantities at a greater frequency to try to re-create that initial buzz.

Impulsivity: Studies that looked at the brains of addicts found they’re more likely to make snap decisions without considering the long-term consequences.

Inability to quit: A person continues to seek out the substance or behavior even when it gets in the way of family, job, education, and friends, Boyd says.

The important thing to remember is that your personality doesn’t determine your fate, Weaver says: “You can get help and lead a successful, productive life.” The first step, he adds, is acknowledging the potential problem -- and just by asking yourself whether you have an addictive personality, you’re already on the right track.

Avoid self-doubt

Today was the last day of my job and I cannot possibly articulate how excited I am to be free of that toxic work environment. Not only did I keep it classy and professional but I was able to be assertive and express my feelings. I had been having a great deal of self-doubt about this day and I now realize I shouldn't have. Here's a great article about this topic from psychologytoday.com:

3 Lies Your Self-Doubt Wants You to Believe
By: Amy Morin

If you're not careful, self-doubt can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Thinking things like, “I'm not smart enough to succeed,” or, “I’m going to embarrass myself in front of everyone,” can cause you to experience a flood of emotions, ranging from sadness to sheer terror.
If you’re not careful, those emotions can affect your performance and ultimately turn your self-doubt into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you’re doubting whether you’re worthy of more money, you might stumble over your words as you ask for a raise. You might inadvertently signal to your boss that you don’t actually believe you’re worth a higher salary.

Or if you’re concerned that you aren’t good enough, you might avert eye contact on a date. Then, when you fail to establish a worthwhile connection, your belief that you aren't good enough will be reinforced. 
The interesting thing about self-doubt is that it’s often made up of irrational, exaggeratedly negative thoughts. Yet that voice in your head which tells you that you aren’t good enough can be quite convincing. And if you believe those lies, there’s a good chance that your insecurities will hold you back.
Here are three big lies your self-doubt wants you to believe:

1. Everyone else feels confident.
When you’re about to give a presentation, step up to the starting line, or launch a new product, it’s easy to assume that you’re the only one battling uncertainty. After all, the people around you are likely to look like they have it all together on the outside.

But the truth is, all healthy people experience self-doubt. The people around you are also questioning whether they’re attractive enough, smart enough, or good enough to succeed, even though they might look confident on the outside.
Don’t let your self-doubt convince you that you don’t belong, or that you’re unprepared. Remind yourself that everyone, even people who have risen to the top, struggle to feel self-assured sometimes.

2. Your gut is trying to tell you this is a bad idea.
When you doubt yourself, you might be tempted to think, “This is my intuitiontelling me I shouldn’t do this.” But, self-doubt will talk you out of doing anything outside of your comfort zone.
When you take a risk, even a calculated one, there’s no guarantee you’ll succeed. That doesn’t mean you have to let fearand uncertainty stop you, however.

While you shouldn’t ignore red flag warnings that you’re headed down the wrong path, self-doubt isn’t the same as intuition. The nagging voice in your head trying to convince you to give up will try to convince you that it’s your “gut instinct” telling you to stop.   

3. Doubt is proof you have no business moving forward.
Just because you think, “I’m going to mess up,” doesn’t mean you can’t succeed, or that you shouldn’t try. In fact, a little self-doubt is good for you.
Studies show elite athletes can use self-doubt to their advantage. Golfers who experience self-doubt outperform those who report complete confidence, because the doubters are hyper-vigilant. Similarly, students who experience a little self-doubt tend to score higher on exams than students who feel certain they’re going to do well.
Remind yourself that you can use your self-doubt to fuel your performance. A few nerves can help you try harder, study longer, or focus better.

Respond With Healthy Self-Talk
Your brain will try to convince you that you can’t succeed, because it doesn’t want you to step outside your comfort zone. If you listen to that voice which tells you that you aren’t good enough, you’ll never reach your greatest potential.
Separate self-doubt fact from fiction. Thinking, “I don’t think I’ll ever pick the winning lottery numbers,” is likely an accurate statement. But thinking, “I’ll never be able to advance my career,” isn’t necessarily true.
You don’t have to get rid of all of your self-doubts to succeed. You just have to stop believing the lies your self-doubt tries to tell you. Responding to self-doubt with a healthier inner dialogue will help you develop the mental strength you need to perform at your peak. 

Major life change

Because today was the last of this semester and the eve of my last day at my job, I decided to post this great article from talkspace.com:

How to Stay Balanced During Major Life Changes
By: Renee Fabian

If there’s one thing that’s inevitable in life, it’s change. Sometimes those changes are small, but every once in awhile they’re major — think marriage, divorce, loss of a loved one, a new job, having children, going back to school, or buying a house. These transitions often uproot our world, sometimes in ways we aren’t prepared for or don’t want to deal with.
For all the pain, uncertainty, or joy these major life changes bring into our lives, there’s no doubt they can take a toll on our mental health as we try to navigate our way through uncharted territory.

Why Major Life Changes Are So…Major

There’s a reason major life shifts can impact our mental health, and it comes down to how the brain functions.
“When you change, it actually activates the conflict sensors in the brain and this causes brain chaos that we call cognitive dissonance,” Dr. Srini Pillay, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, tells Talkspace. “This activation of the conflict sensor becomes stressful to people.”
And not everyone is affected equally. Pillay suggests that personality determines how change impacts our mental health. For those who seek novelty, change is usually easier to swallow, while those who feel most comfortable with status quo will find life transitions more challenging.

Positive Change Impacts Our Brains in the Same Way

The mental health implications during serious adjustments don’t discriminate. Even change that’s generally positive, such as celebrating your new marriage or having a baby, registers in the brain the same way as a more difficult event. The brain feels more comfortable with old patterns, and anything new presents a dilemma.
“When it comes to positive life changes, the brain is still challenged to do something different,” says Pillay. “Even if that change is positive, it can induce anxiety or uncertainty or a feeling of unfamiliarity and this generally precipitates habit pathways in the brain. Meaning as soon as you feel stress, you want to go back to old habits.”

How to Cope with Major Changes

The brain needs time to adjust, no matter the life event we’re going through. To help the process along and maintain our mental health, we can try a few of the following strategies.

Redirect Uncertainty

One of the major reasons we struggle with change, and why it can result in cognitive dissonance, is the element of uncertainty. Uncertainty is the enemy of our biological impulses — if we’re unsure whether an animal is a house cat or a blood thirsty tiger, we’re in trouble. Our brain doesn’t like the odds of equations with unknown variables, so it defaults to a negative bias for safety.
“A study…showed that in people who are uncertain, 75 percent of people mispredict when bad things are going to happen,” Dr. Srini Pillay explains. “The uncertainty biases the brain to expect the worst. That doesn’t mean that change is great and you should expect the best, but you should recognize that your brain will go into…an automatic negativity bias.”
To help soothe the uncertainty that’s causing the brain to fire its stress responses, level the playing field with neutral self-talk phrases such as, “Uncertainty simply means I don’t know the future. It does not mean the future is bad.”

Make A Plan

We may not all be planners, but as we work through a major life shift, it’s a good idea to become more organized. To do this, change what Pillay calls “goal intentions” to “implementation intentions.”
“Rather than saying, ‘I’ll take it as it comes. We’ll see how we’ll handle this,’ which often increases the amount of uncertainty upfront, [make] the intentions more specific by adding an actual time to it,” Pillay suggests. “By making the intentions more specific…you can decrease the uncertainty and therefore make it easier to embrace the change.”
If you’re inviting a romantic partner into your living space permanently, for example, plan exactly how the transition will happen. Will they spend three nights a week at your place for a trial period before making the move? How will personal space be defined? Whose couch will go in the living area? Suddenly, what seems like an amorphous life event now becomes a manageable set of actions.

Build In Brain Breaks

Many times change takes considerable focus — planning a wedding, negotiating a new job, or starting a business, for example. It may seem prudent to push ourselves into overdrive during these times, but our brain really needs breaks throughout the day to run most efficiently.
Pillay recommends several strategies in his book, Tinker Dabble Doodle Try: Unlock the Power of the Unfocused Mind, which include 15-minute bursts for short naps, structured daydreaming, and doodling. In fact, one study showed that those who doodled while listening to a boring phone call retained 29 percent more information than those who didn’t. These short creative bursts for your brain, which Dr. Pillay calls “intelligent unfocus,” can jumpstart your ability to navigate major change.
“When you’re focused, you are essentially collecting the different pieces of the puzzle with your mind, but unfocused time is the time you give to your mind to get these puzzle pieces together,” Pillay tells us. “If you’re going through a change with just continuous focus throughout the day, you are not giving your brain a chance to put these puzzle pieces together.”

Deal With Grief And Loss

Sadly, many major life changes are events we don’t ask for, such as losing a loved one, or suffering an injury or illness. Both difficult and positive adjustments may feel like a loss, as we let go of one way of being for a new path.
“Grief and loss can often be found at the heart of major life changes, especially ones that [we] have little or no control over,” says author of Life Transitions: Personal Stories of Hope Through Life’s Most Difficult Challenges and Changes and Texas-based psychotherapist Heidi McBain. “This can lead to a lot of mental health issues, but the big ones are typically depression and/or anxiety.”
McBain emphasizes the grieving process as crucial to navigating change. She helps clients by “letting them know that grief takes time but they will feel better, normaliz[ing] that others feel the same way they do, [and] discuss[ing]…how these major life changes have impacted their relationships.”

Practice Self-Care

Self-care is an old standard, but an important one. Don’t forget the importance of self-care, including maintaining a regular schedule, eating healthy, sleeping enough, and exercising.
“Often with major life changes, self-care goes right out the window,” says McBain. “It can help to choose one thing each and everyday that you do just for you and your own well-being such as exercise, meditation, [or] journaling.”
And of course, reach out for help when you need it, whether that’s a trusted loved one who can lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on, or a mental health professional who will support you through any major life transition.

Change is Inevitable, Make the Best of It

Change is not only inevitable, it can lead to beautiful opportunities, even when they come from the deepest wells of pain and loss. When we greet uncertainty and the unknown with self-care, self-love, and support, we have a much better chance of maintaining our mental health during major life changes and finding our way to a future that holds many new adventures.

Codependency Part 2

From Psychologytoday.com:

6 Signs of a Codependent Relationship
By: Linda Esposito LCSW

Research explains why the ties that bind are practically unbreakable.

Many people find themselves repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns—despite their best intentions. 
Consider codependency—when two people with dysfunctional personalitytraits become worse together. Enmeshment happens when clear boundaries about where you start and where your partner ends are not clearly defined.
Think of the most unhappy couple you’ve ever met. (Hopefully you're not a part of this duo.) You may wonder why these people are still together. Adults are willing participants in partnerships. And as unhealthy as relationships may be, there can be gains for both parties. Common reasons for sticking together include children, finances, time invested, and fear of the shame that may come with splitting up. But the bigger issue is the belief that one or both people believe they deserve to be mistreated.

Signs of Codependency
The traditional definition of  codependency has focused on control, nurturing, and maintenance of relationships with individuals who are chemically dependent, or engaging in undesirable behaviors, such as narcissism. A classic codependency model is the alcoholic husband and his enabling wife.
Dupont and McGovern (1991) argue that codependent individuals “share the responsibility for the unhealthy behavior, primarily by focusing their lives on the sick or the bad behavior and by making their own self-esteem and well-being contingent on the behavior of the unhealthy family member.” (p. 316).
Le Poire (1992) supposed that the functional (or healthy) partner nurtures the afflicted partner when he or she engages in an undesirable behavior. This behavior is ultimately pleasant to the afflicted partner, which serves to reinforce it. The partner who controls the most rewards (which builds his or her power base) is assumed to be the powerful one, while the other is indebted to him or her (Beattie, 1987). Borrowing a phrase from my clinical mentor, Reevah Simon, “Whenever there is ongoing conflict, there is underlying agreement.” In other words, it takes two to tango, and the dependent or subservient partner may not be as weak, passive, or innocent as they appear.

The following questions can serve as a guide to determine if your relationship involves codependency:

Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs?

Is it difficult to say no when your partner makes demands on your time and energy?

Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?

Do you constantly worry about others’ opinions of you?

Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

The Development of Codependency
At birth, we are intrinsically vulnerable and utterly dependent on our caregivers for food, safety, and regulation. An infant’s attachment and bonding to one or more caregivers is critical for physical and emotional survival. This fundamental attachment makes the infant reliant on the needs and vulnerabilities of the caregiver.

Growing up with an unreliable or unavailable parent means taking on the role of caretaker and/or enabler. A child in this situation puts the parent’s needs first. Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. As a result, its members repress emotions and disregard their own needs to focus on the needs of the unavailable parent(s). When the "parentified" child becomes an adult, he or she repeats the same dynamic in their adult relationships.
Resentment builds when you don’t recognize your own needs and wants. A common behavioral tendency is to overreact or lash out when your partner lets you down. Lacking an internal locus of control means searching for external sources of validation and control. You might try to control your partner’s behaviors so you can feel OK. You might act self-righteous and bossy, and make unreasonable demands on your partner. And when you realize you cannot control his or her moods or actions you become disappointed, and may slide into a depressed state.
Recovering from Codependency
Treatment for codependency often involves exploration of early childhoodissues and their connection to current dysfunctional behavior patterns. Getting in touch with deep-rooted feelings of hurt, loss, and anger will allow you to reconstruct appropriate relationship dynamics.
Psychotherapy is highly recommended as these personality characteristics are ingrained and difficult to change on your own. Choosing the right therapist can make all the difference in your recovery. You’ll know you’re on track when the following traits become part of your personality:

You nurture your own wants and desires and develop a connection to your inner world. You see yourself as self-reliant, smart, and capable.

You say goodbye to abusive behavior. Awareness, change, and growth are necessary for you and for your partner to overcome unhealthy relationship habits. Caretaking and enabling behavior is acknowledged and stopped.

You respond instead of react to your partner—and to others. Setting clear, firm boundaries means that you don’t automatically react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. You tolerate other people’s opinions and do not become defensive when you disagree. You recognize that your reaction is your responsibility. You adopt a healthy skepticism regarding what others say about you (good or bad), and your self-esteem doesn't rise and fall as a result. You say no, and you accept hearing no.

When you've recovered from codependency, you no longer feel compelled to stay in an unhealthy, painful relationship. You know that you are not responsible for anyone's happinessexcept for your own, and you can feel comfortable with the decision to walk away.

Codependency

From Mental Health America:




Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?
Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:
An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Chronic anger
Lying/dishonesty
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?
Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-dependency Hits Home
The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.

A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.

Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Love Addiction

Tonight when I was working on a research proposal for one of my classes that focuses on love addiction, I found this extremely informative article that I have not run across before. From PsychAlive.org:

Love Addictions: Do You Have an Unhealthy Addiction to Love?

By: Lena Firestone

While the term “love addiction” may be controversial among mental health professionals, having an overwhelming or obsessive compulsion toward love or a loved one is not uncommon. Love addictions are formed as a defense against psychological pain. Love addicts have a fantasy of being rescued by their loved one and often believe that this one person can somehow make them okay. They have too high an opinion of the object of their affection, and too low an opinion of themselves. Because of this, love addicts pour too much time and energy into their relationships, while neglecting their own well-being, family, friendships and even careers.

This article will answer the following questions:

Is love addiction real?

What are the characteristics of love addiction?

Why do love addictions form?

What types of partners do love addicts choose?

What is the cycle of love addiction?

How can someone recover from love addiction?

Are love addictions real?

It is important to note that “love addiction” has not been classified as an official diagnosis. Many mental health professionals take issue with attaching the designation of “addiction” to what is considered a passion-related behavior. However, the term “love addiction” can be very useful in understanding specific problematic relationship patterns and behaviors. It can also be helpful in shedding light on how to break a deeply rooted psychological compulsion.

Love addiction has similar characteristics and cycles to other addictions. Definitions of addiction range from narrow to broad. Addiction can be defined as

a physical or psychological dependence on a mind-altering substance

a brain disorder characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences

a dependence on or compulsion to any substance or behavior

Love addiction is are similar to other addictions in that it is formed as a defense against unresolved pain. Like other addictions, love addiction focuses increasingly on the object of the addiction at the detriment of the love addict. The typical love addict loses interests in activities outside of their addiction. Furthermore, the addiction causes problems with family and friends, even at work. When the addiction is interrupted, the addict will feel an intense, emotional withdrawal.

Anthropologist and TED speaker, Helen Fisher proposes “that love addiction is just as real as any other addiction, in terms of its behavior patterns and brain mechanisms.” According to Fisher, “Besotted lovers express all four of the basic traits of addiction: craving, tolerance, withdrawal, and relapse.”

What are the characteristics of a love addiction?

Love addiction is defined by a specific set of characteristics and behaviors. According to Pia Mellody, author of Facing Love Addiction, “Possibly the most significant characteristic of love addiction is that we assign too much time and value to another person.” Someone with a love addiction focuses almost entirely on the object of their desire. This, often obsessive, focus begins to have a negative effect on the rest of their life. According to Mellody, “Love Addicts neglect to care for or value themselves while they’re in the relationship.”

Love addictions involve a great deal of fantasy. As you’ll read later, love addictions form as a result of painful childhood experiences. Consequently, love addicts often have a fantasy of being rescued. It’s as if the person they are longing for is the only person in the entire universe who has the power to take away their pain, give them everything they longed for and never got as a child, and make them feel safe, valued, and worthy. This magical thinking leads love addicts to cling to the relationship, even when the relationship itself is flawed.

Often these relationships are deeply flawed. Love addicts tend to select partners who have a fear of intimacy and will neglect the relationship. Yet, the love addict maintains a fantasy that everything will get better, their partner will change, and they will finally receive the love and fulfilment they so desperately crave.

Love addicts overlook major red flags in their partners. They are often at odds with friends and family who continually encourage them to find someone better. Love addicts don’t want to find someone better; rather they want to uncover a better version of the person they are with. Additionally, love addicts tend to have low self-esteem and believe that if they only improve themselves (by losing weight, removing character flaws, etc.) their partner will suddenly offer them the relationship of their dreams. This fantasy becomes like a lifeline and it keeps the relationship going.

Pia Mellody writes that “Instead of developing mature intimacy, Love Addicts seek to enmesh, to merge, to get completely connected to their partners.” This type of enmeshed intimacy can be described as a “fantasy bond”—an illusion of connection and closeness between two people that is substituted for feelings of real love and intimacy.

Why do love addictions form?

The roots of love addiction extend back to early childhood. A history of abandonment, neglect, or inadequate or inconsistent nurturing can lead to love addiction. Like other addictions, love addiction is often the result of insecure attachment patterns.

Attachment patterns develop during the first 18 months of life as a result of how the primary caregiver (usually the mother) interacts with the infant. In order for the infant to develop secure attachment, the child must feel SAFE, SEEN, and SOOTHED. The way the caregiver relates to their child at times when the child is upset or in distress is of utmost importance.

A securely attached child will consistently turn to their parent for comfort and connection when they are upset, get soothed, calm down, and then go back to whatever they were doing before. Insecure attachment develops when a parent is unable to consistently sooth their child. In this scenario, the upset child turns to their parent for comfort and connection, but they get ignored, or their parent is too anxious or distracted to properly sooth them, or they are scolded or even abused for crying and having needs. How attuned the parent is to their child at times of distress over time forms an attachment pattern that follows the child into their adult relationships.  You can learn more about various attachment patterns here.

Most love addicts had a parent, or parents, that were not attuned to them as small children. They were unable to meet their child’s primary needs for love, connection, and validation. This lack of parental nurturance, or worse, parental rejection, is extremely painful to a child. So the child, and later the adult, takes refuge in a fantasy of love to avoid the pain. Therapist Caroline Becker explains, “Love addiction develops when reality is too painful for the conscious mind to manage and so a fantasy version of a loved one and of life with that person develops.”

According to Caroline Becker, “The love addict’s behavior comes from an unconscious place of pain due to trauma from abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual) and/or neglect that occurred early in life. By focusing on someone else, the pain of trauma and/or neglect is avoided, remaining unconscious.” This is why a love addict’s needs in  adult relationships feel so enormous; it’s because they were not met when they were a child.

What types of partners do love addicts choose?

When it comes to love addiction, it takes two to tango. A love addict will (unconsciously) look for a partner who avoids intimacy. Pia Mellody refers to these partners as “Love Avoidants.” According to Mellody, “Love Avoidants consciously (and greatly) fear intimacy because they believe that they will be drained, engulfed, and controlled by it.” Often these people were drained, engulfed or controlled by the emotions and needs of others when they were small children.

Often avoidance does not show itself in the very beginning of a relationship. The “Love Avoidant” might be the one who initially comes on strong and does the wooing. However, as the relationship progresses, their fear of intimacy becomes heightened and they begin to push their partner away. In her book, Facing Love Addiction, Mellody outlines three ways that “Love Avoidants” typically avoid intimacy:

Limiting intensity within the relationship by creating more intensity in activities (often addictions) beyond the relationship.

Avoiding being truly known by their partner to protect themselves from being controlled or engulfed by the other person.

Restricting intimate contact with their partner through a variety of distancing techniques.

Essentially, love addicts are attracted to people who are not able to meet their needs. Even though love addicts feel as though they want a close relationship more than anything in the world, they unconsciously choose partners that avoid closeness at all costs. This relationship dynamic creates a toxic cycle that (though very painful) distracts the love addict from focusing on the unresolved pain of their early childhood.

What is the cycle of love addictions?

 Love addictions tend to follow a predicable cycle.

In the initial stage of attraction, both partners are very drawn to one another.

As they get involved, the love addict forms a fantasy of being rescued. At the same time, their partner begins to put up walls to avoid real intimacy.

The love addict becomes enamored with a fantasy and is blind to real flaws in the relationship and their partner. The relationship becomes the center of their universe and they start to think about it incessantly. Meanwhile, the avoidant partner begins to pull away more and more. Sensing their partner’s neediness and insecurity leads them to resent the relationship. When the avoidant partner pulls away, the love addict’s fear of abandonment is triggered and they cling on more tightly.

The love addict becomes frustrated and upset. No matter how much energy they pour into the relationship, they can’t seem to make it work. They try to fix themselves, still clinging to the fantasy that their partner is perfect or “going to change.” At this point, the avoidant partner may be distancing himself further from the relationship, potentially abusing alcohol or drugs or having an affair.

Eventually the love addict starts to recognize their partner’s bad behavior. They may lash out with emotional outbursts. They might act compulsively.

Feeling ashamed of their own bad behavior, the love addict apologizes and returns once again to the fantasy that things will all work out.

This cycle can repeat many times in the course of one relationship. If at any point, the love addicted partner ends the relationship, the avoidant partner may suddenly do a complete 180 and fight to get the relationship back. However, as soon as the relationship picks up again, the familiar dynamics take over.

How can someone recover from love addition?

The first step in recovering from love addiction is to recognize the problem. Like fighting any addiction, the process can be challenging. Feelings of withdrawal may arise. Recovering love addicts may have to face unresolved childhood pain. However, with help, people can break the pattern of love addiction and go on to form truly fulfilling and close intimate relationships.

Many people find help by entering a 12-step program for love addiction. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A) offers meetings worldwide.

According to Pia Mellody, there are four phases of recovery from love addiction.

The first step is to address any other addictive processes, such as alcoholism, eating disorder, etc.

The second step is to “disengage from the addictive part of the relationship process.”

The third step is to find a therapist, if necessary, to help deal with unresolved childhood pain. Mellody explains, “In my experience, most people who recover from toxic relationships as adults first need therapeutic help with their internal residue of unresolved and harmful feelings from childhood.”

The fourth step is to work on the underlying co-dependent symptoms.

If a recovering love addict is not currently in a relationship, it is very important that they pay close attention to the type of partner they may be drawn to when entering a new relationship. Otherwise, they may repeat the same destructive relationship dynamics.

Pia Mellody offers some helpful journal exercises in her book Facing Love Addiction, which includes exercises on “Acknowledging Your Addiction,” “Facing Your Symptoms,” and “Recognizing Your Movement through the Emotional Cycle.”

The more that love addicts begin to recognize, articulate and understand their role in this addiction, the easier it is to break the cycle. By understanding their past and resolving traumas from childhood, they can develop more inner security.

Happy Easter

As I have been making improvements in many domains of my life, I have thought that all of these improvements would be 'bargaining chips' if you will when it comes time for me to start dating again. In other words, "look at all I have to offer, I would be a great catch. I am worthy of your love."
How silly I have been all of this time!!! I feel rather ashamed that I did not come to this realization until today. I should know better than to think you can earn another's love or that one person deserves love because of their accomplishments. Everyone is worthy of love; regardless of accomplishments, education, money, or anything else. I do know this, I am not sure why it took me so long to realize this fact. I still have more work to go regarding accepting and loving myself unconditionally. Progress not perfection. Happy Easter to all!

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

From YourTango.com:




If Your Partner Has These 8 Personality Traits, You May Have A Toxic Relationship
By: Nancy Carbone


Individuals with these negative personality traits often cause toxic relationships.

How do you know the warning signs of a toxic relationship?

Sometimes, it's hard to tell. However, there are a few negative personality traits that are red flags of toxic people.

Those with toxic and negative personality traits can lure you into a false sense of security and then destroy your self-esteem.

In toxic and unhealthy relationships, the victims are often convinced that the problem is them, so they end up taking on board the negative criticisms of a toxic lover.


It can be confusing when you are blamed to be the problem or told that you have all the issues.

You may be in a relationship with a toxic person but are not even aware of it.



When you love someone, you can overlook the warning signs of a toxic relationship.

Toxic partners can be deceptive, on the surface they can look perfect. But, often this is because it is easier to shut off from what is really happening, in order to avoid facing what is really going on.

Here are 8 negative personality traits of a toxic person that can lead to signs of a toxic relationship.

1. They are envious or jealous of you
Do you have a partner who acts polite but underneath they have envy and hate towards you?

They may be secretly competitive or comparing themselves to you. Do they feel pain when you are successful or happy?


Many who feel unsatisfied with their life will hide how disappointed they feel when others have success or share good news.

Toxic partners feel inadequate and cover up by smiling, not say anything or comment on something negative to minimize their disappointment, to prevent the hit to their self-esteem.

They feel like a failure at other peoples success and it highlights how they've not met their own expectations.

It seems unfair that others have done better, its a competition or a race to be best.

You cannot rise above them or they will crush you with destructive envy.

They feel misery for your happiness and may attempt to bring you down to lift themselves up.


2. They criticize or devalue you to rise above you
If you're in a toxic relationship with someone who suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder, they can feel pleasure when they put down the success of others, by defeating them or making devaluing comments so they can rise above them.

So, they do not feel inadequate, they end up criticizing others in order to pick themselves up.

They inflate their self-esteem to convince others of how good they are.

Since they feel superior, they openly disapprove others.

3. They turn the problem around and make it your fault to cover their actions
Toxic people blame others for their mistakes and find ways to cover up their actions so they're never at fault.


They will find a way to turn the problem around to be your fault.

They avoid the humiliation of shame induced judgment, so they distort the truth and avoid taking responsibility to cover up their mistakes.

They do this by finding fault in others, whom they blame for their shortcomings.

They lost their job because their boss was threatened by them, their ex-partner was the crazy one, they cheated because you never gave them sex when they wanted it, you're told that you should get over issues and not bring them up.

It is always the other person's fault and they're perfect.



4. They push their view to prove they're right but never consider your point of view
You may be falsely convinced that they are always right, but they seek admiration when others need them as the expert for advice.

They always know better than anyone else, feeling above others. 

When they see others as beneath them, they feel special and it takes away the deflating pain of the empty self.

5. They use you for their own agenda while discarding or bringing you down if you expose them
These toxic lovers pretend to be Mr/Mrs right in order to lure you into a relationship, in order to seek admiring supplies but will discard you or devalue you when their needs are not a priority.


They may even spoil your happiness or success, or talk you down.

You are simply there to give them something they need, such as approval, money, sex, love, support.

After a date, you may not hear from them unless they need something from you.

They pretend to be interested in you as long as they're getting something from you.

Sometimes they just want someone to admire them or inflate the ego when it's deflated.

Other times, they stonewall or withdraw to avoid exposure of not being perfect. So, no one discovers who they really are.

They feel good by promoting themselves and focusing on themselves and acquiring others in order to achieve their aims.


6. They portray a false persona to mask who they really are
Those with toxic personality traits can charm you into a false sense of trust and security in order to pull the wool over your eyes.

Yet, the toxic relationship feels empty and vacuous since the toxic person cannot reveal anything about their true nature or expose themselves.

They will tell people what they want to hear, and mimic what they need, so they can obtain their own objectives.

The truth will be revealed when they are unable to be emotionally available for the needs of others.



7. They have no empathy or no remorse
They have no empathy or remorse for how they treat people because they feel they have the right to behave in whatever manner meets their own needs, with no regards to others.

When others fail to serve their expectations, they justify cheating or having affairs.

They portray themselves to be kind or pretend to have empathy so that people are there to give them what they need.

You are only wanted if you serve a need for them. Otherwise, your feelings do not matter.

8. They see everyone through their own behavior
Toxic people project their sense of inadequacies onto others, by finding things wrong with others or finding fault in them.


They are delusional and see everyone through their own projections, distorting the way they see others and relate to them.

They see others like them, the part they hide.

They accuse others of cheating, being useless, being selfish or a fraud.

You will be attacked or insulted for things that do not represent you because that's how they see you.


Before you enter a relationship you should know the warning signs of a toxic person.


If you're in a toxic relationship you can learn to not take on board the criticisms, but see the person for who they really are.

If you're in a toxic relationship, you might notice that the toxic partner had parents who were envious and criticized or humiliated them, so they covered their real self.

Some were told they could do no wrong and the world re-evolved around their needs.

They will not take ownership and see the part they play in relationship problems.

They will feel crushed when issues are raised and turn it back on their partner by attacking them or criticizing them.

The partner of a toxic person often feels beaten down and gives up, feeling they're wrong. Many lose themselves completely and sacrifice their own needs and wants.


If you detect the warning signs you're in a toxic relationship with someone with these personality traits, you have to be careful taking on board negative feedback, which may not pertain to you. Your self-esteem can be diminished.

If you can separate yourself from the abuser, you can protect yourself from destructive envy or toxic abuse.

If you see the person as wounded, you can learn to let go of blame or feeling at fault for things that are not your fault.

If you cannot assertively express yourself or raise issues because you get abused, then perhaps you need to consider why you allow yourself to be in a toxic relationship and find out how to have self-love within yourself.


If you identify these toxic personality traits that are warning signals for a toxic relationship then perhaps you need to do something about it.

Anxious attachment and casual dating

From elitedaily.com:

You Might Have A Harder Time With Casual Dating, If You Have This Attachment Style
By: Rebecca Strong

It’s no secret that your upbringing can impact many aspects of your personality, from how you tend to avoid conflict like the plague (thanks, mom) to how you thrive in competitive situations (thanks, dad). But did you know that according to attachment theory, how you bond with your parents as a baby may serve as a model for how you function in your adult relationships? Not only that, but it could explain why you have a harder time with casual dating. As it turns out, people with one particular attachment style may struggle to keep it casual when it comes to romance, because doing so triggers their deepest fears.

British psychologist John Bowlby, who is considered the father of attachment theory, dedicated much of his work to understanding infant-parent relationships, and more specifically, the ways in which infants behave in order to avoid separation from their parents or reconnect with them when they're MIA. Based on what he (and other psychologists) observed, he identified a number of different attachment "styles" to describe the kinds of bonds that children form with their parents or caregivers. Later, around the mid-'80s, other researchers began to build on the idea that these attachment styles play out into adulthood — affecting everything from the kinds of relationships you seek out and how you behave in your relationships, to why they tend to end.
It makes sense when you think about it. After all, your parents are the first ones to meet your needs and set the expectations for how you receive love. So, naturally, once you grow up and start dating, those early experiences may affect your expectations in relationships and the way in which you get your needs met from romantic partners.

Attachment theory dictates that if your parent or caregiver was available to you and responsive to your needs, you will likelydevelop a secure attachment style. Unsurprisingly, this attachment style tends to allow for the healthiest kinds of relationships. After all, when you feel secure, you are able to communicate your needs, wants, concerns, and feelings without fear. On the other hand, if your parent or caregiver was neglectful or inconsistent in their availability and responsiveness, you may form an insecure attachment pattern. According to Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, licensed clinical psychotherapist, relationship expert, and author of “Training Your Love Intuition,”people with an anxious attachment style may struggle with casual dating.

Anxious attachment typically develops if your parent isn’t consistent in their availability. As a result, you never know what to expect from them, and as you become an adult, you may find it difficult to trust the people you date. People with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure in their relationships and worry that their partners do not truly love them. People with this attachment style also tend to become a tad clingy or possessive when they feel insecure in their relationships.
“You might have an anxious attachment style if you face the world and relationships with fear,” says Dr. Wish. “You tend to doubt yourself either in general or in reading people accurately. You harbor fears of being misunderstood, judged, or not found appealing — or even acceptable.”

Casual dating is not for everyone. As someone who came to this crystal clear conclusion after years of convincing myself otherwise, I know firsthand. It can be an ideal approach for people who are in #grindmode regarding their careers, just out of a serious relationship, or simply unsure about what they’re looking for. When you’re casually dating, however, you likely don’t have the reassurance of exclusivity — and that, in turn, can stoke all of those insecurities that are so common with the anxious attachment style.
In a blog for PsychAlive, Dr. Joyce Catlett points out that adults with this attachment style tend to be “rejection-sensitive.” This means that not only do they fear rejection, but they are often anticipating abandonment and looking for any possible signs that their partner is losing interest. Not only that, but their inner-critic is often reinforcing their pessimistic beliefs. As a result, they often need constant reassurance of their partner’s love. Clearly, all of these feelings and behaviors can prove quite challenging when you’re casually dating. After all, how can you feel secure in a romantic relationship if you know there’s a possibility that your crush is seeing other people, or that it may never turn into something long-lasting or serious?

Here’s the thing. If you hate casual dating or you’ve found that it simply doesn’t work for you, that’s totally OK. It’s not for everyone, and if you know you’d rather pursue a committed, long-term relationship, then you can definitely adjust your dating efforts accordingly. That said, if you suspect that your attachment style is negatively impacting your ability to have healthy relationships in general, then you may have some work to do.
But here’s the good news. If you’re concerned that your attachment style is destructive to your dating life, Dr. Wish says that it’s totally possible to make positive changes in your beliefs and thus, your behavior.

Dr. Wish recommends keeping a dating journal of your thoughts, actions, and fears.
“Focus on recognizing when you feel anxious,” she tells Elite Daily. “Set a goal to do one thing at least twice a month that makes you anxious. Aim to learn what triggered the anxiety, and develop self-soothing ways to calm yourself. These anxious experiences do not have to be about dating. Your goals are to be aware, understand your fears, and get up the courage to try new experiences.”
If you are still struggling to see any progress, Dr. Wish recommends seeking counseling. The right therapist will be able to help you to dig into your deepest relationship fears, as well as strategies to break your destructive thought patterns and ultimately, develop a more secure attachment style.

“Change your goal from finding ‘The One’ to learning how to assess people accurately,” she adds. “The more you learn, the more you will trust yourself to make good choices.”
The point is, the attachment style you develop as a child isn’t your fault, and furthermore, it isn't necessarily set in stone. And while there’s definitely nothing wrong with you if you find casual dating difficult, it is worth exploring your anxious attachment style in the interest of ensuring that you can form healthy, fulfilling connections with the people you date. Luckily, the first step to making a change is acknowledging your attachment style. Once you have the courage to take an honest look at that, you can find ways to challenge the patterns that might be preventing you from being happy in your relationships.

Anxious Attachment

From psychalive.org:

Anxious Attachment: Understanding Insecure Anxious Attachment
By: Joyce Catlett, M.A.

Understanding Anxious Attachment

Human beings are born with strong survival instincts. One of the strongest is based on an infant’s inability to survive on its own and its complete dependence on an adult for nurturance and protection. Babies have an innate drive to make sure that they get their basic needs met by a parent, caregiver or other significant person in their life. Different children develop different strategies for accomplishing this depending on the emotional environment and the kind of care available to them. Attachment theory is the study of this primitive instinct and researchers have organized the various strategies into four categories of attachment patterns: secure attachment and two types of insecure attachment, avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. The fourth attachment category, known as disorganized attachment, occurs when no organized strategy is formed.
Attachment researchers have identified attunement as being significant in the formation of an attachment. Attunement means being in harmony; being aware of and responsive to another. Emotional attunement involves being in harmony first with oneself, then with another and finally with circumstances. Attunement and attachment are related in that an adult, who is available, attuned and responsive to a child’s needs, beginning in infancy, establishes a secure attachment for that child.  This attunement creates a strong foundation from which that child can explore the world.
A lack of attunement or misattunement from a parent or primary caregiver results in an insecure attachment developing in the relationship with their child. In another article, I discuss how an avoidant attachment pattern develops when parents are cold, emotionally unavailable and distant, and children then try to shut down their awareness of their primary needs. This article will explain how an ambivalent/anxious attachment develops in childhood and goes on to effect individuals in their adult relationships.

What is Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment?

Many parents and/or caregivers are inconsistently attuned to their children. Attachment researchers describe the behavior of these adults, noting how at times they are nurturing, attuned and respond effectively to their child’s distress, while at other times they are intrusive, insensitive or emotionally unavailable. When parents vacillate between these two very different responses, their children become confused and insecure, not knowing what kind of treatment to expect. These children often feel distrustful or suspicious of their parent, but they act clingy and desperate. They learn that the best way to get their needs met is to cling to their attachment figure. These children have an ambivalent/anxious attachment with their unpredictable parent.

What behaviors are associated with an anxious attachment pattern?

Children with an ambivalent/anxious attachment pattern tend to cling to their attachment figures and often act desperate for their attention. Mary Ainsworth, who assessed children’s attachment patterns at 12 to 18 months, noted that when the children with anxious attachment were reunited with their mothers, they were confused, dazed or agitated; staring off into space and avoiding direct eye contact with her. Yet, these children usually clung to the mother. They remained intensely focused on their mother, but did not seem to be satisfied or comforted. The narrow focus and limited responses of these children prevented any further play or exploratory behavior.

How does an anxious attachment pattern develop in children?

A number of factors may contribute to the formation of an anxious attachment pattern between a parent and child. The main factor in a child developing an ambivalent/anxious attachment pattern is inconsistent attunement in the relationship with their primary caregiver.
Studies have shown that the quality of the relationship between the parents plays a central role in the transmission of specific attachment patterns from one generation to the next. Therefore, a child imitates the ambivalent/anxious attachment strategies of their parent. In addition, research has also found that parents’ child-rearing practices tend to reflect the specific attachment pattern they developed as children with their parents. Thus, parents who grew up with an anxious attachment are inconsistent in how they relate to their children, which their children react to by forming their own anxious attachment patterns.
Many of these parents and caregivers, due to the unreliable and inconsistent parenting they received, experience powerful feelings of emotional hunger toward their child. They act in ways that are insensitive and intrusive when they confuse emotional hunger with genuine love for their child.  In Compassionate Child-Rearing, Robert Firestone describes how parents mistake their feelings of longing and the desire to get love from their child for actual love and concern for the child’s wellbeing. These parents can be over-protective, or try to live vicariously through their child, or be focused on their child’s appearance and performance. They often overstep the personal boundaries of their children by touching them excessively and by invading their privacy.

How does an anxious attachment manifest in adulthood? 

Children who have an anxious attachment often grow up to have preoccupied attachment patterns. As adults, they tend to be self-critical and insecure. They seek approval and reassurance from others, yet this never relieves their self-doubt. In their relationships, deep-seated feelings that they are going to be rejected make them worried and not trusting. This drives them to act clingy and feel overly dependent on their partner. These people’s lives are not balanced: their insecurity leaves them turned against themselves and emotionally desperate in their relationships.
Adults with preoccupied attachment patterns are often feel desperate and assume the role of the “pursuer” in a relationship. They often have positive views of other people, especially their parents and their partner, and generally have a negative view of themselves. They rely heavily on their partner to validate their self-worth. Because they grew up insecure based on the inconsistent availability of their caregivers, they are “rejection-sensitive.” They anticipate rejection or abandonment and look for signs that their partner is losing interest.
These people are often driven to engage in pre-emptive strategies in an attempt to avoid being rejected. However, their excessive dependency, demands and possessiveness tend to backfire and precipitate the very abandonment that they fear. Attachment theorists and researchers Shaver and Clark, (1994), have observed that “preoccupied” partners appear to be “perpetually vigilant and somewhat histrionic.”  They feel resentful and angry when their partner doesn’t provide the attention and reassurance they feel they need. They often believe that unless they dramatically express their anxiety and anger, it is unlikely that the other person will respond to them. Many of those with preoccupied attachments are reluctant to express their angry feelings toward a partner for fear of potential loss or rejection. When they try to suppress their anger, their behavior tends to vacillate between outbursts of anger and pleas for forgiveness and support. In some cases, the fears and anxieties can lead to more serious emotional disturbances, such as depression.

How are patterns of attachment supported by the critical inner voice?

The pessimistic beliefs and expectations associated with adult attachment patterns are reinforced by destructive thoughts or critical inner voices about oneself, others, and the world in general. These critical voices strongly influence a person’s style of relating in an intimate relationship. People with a preoccupied adult attachment have “voices” that support their beliefs that the world is an emotionally unreliable place filled with uncertainty and the potential loss of those they love. Examples of their voice attacks are, “It’s obvious that he/she is losing interest in you.” “Why isn’t he/she more affectionate?”  “He/she always has an excuse for not wanting to make love.” “You’re so needy and dependent. No wonder she(he) doesn’t like you.” “He/she doesn’t love you as much as you love him/her.”

How can a person transform an anxious attachment into a secure one?

Fortunately, a person’s style of attachment can be revised through new experiences, through interacting with a partner who has a history of being securely attached and through psychotherapy. Another effective way to develop secure attachment in adulthood is by making sense of one’s story. According to Dr. Dan Siegel, attachment research demonstrates that “the best predictor of a child’s security of attachment is not what happened to his parents as children, but rather how his parents made sense of those childhood experiences.” The key to “making sense” of one’s life experiences is to write a coherent narrative, which helps them understand how their childhood experiences are still affecting them in their life today.

Embracing Change

From attitudeisaltitude.com:

7 reasons embracing change can be a good thing

Let’s face it: embracing change is no fun. Everyone likes staying in his or her comfort zone. After all, they call it a “comfort” zone for a reason—even the term itself stirs up deep feelings of calm, relaxation and security. But eventually, something comes along to shake us out of it. Change happens to us all—it’s simply a part of life. And while some change is undeniably good, we’re often faced with disruptions that certainly don’t feel welcome.
The good news is that embracing change is not a difficult skill to learn. And once you start looking at change as a good thing, you’ll be amazed at some of the benefits that can follow. Here are seven reasons why embracing change can be a very good habit to adopt.

1.    Change helps you grow

Changes often force us to adapt in ways we’ve never experienced, which can be a major driver of personal (and even professional) growth and development.

2.    Change teaches you to be flexible

Try to think of change as something that gets you out of your rut. By embracing change and meeting it head-on with excitement, you can learn not to be so set in your ways—which can help you maintain a more positive attitude.

3.    Change can challenge your values and beliefs

Reacting to change often involves re-evaluating your belief system. That’s not a bad thing—if you’re devoutly religious, for example, you don’t need to turn your faith on its head.
But if you’re open to learning new ways of approaching problems, you may find you learn something. Alternately, change may simply reinforce your trust in the belief system you already have. Either way, you become stronger.

4.    Change reveals your strengths

Without being forced to accept changes, you might never learn the true measure of your own strength—including your ability to adapt in new (and often interesting) ways.

5.    Change makes you more compassionate

When you become “too comfortable” in your own situation, it can be much more difficult to understand what others might be going through. Change reminds you to be kind when you’re considering the choices other people may make.

6.    Change breaks up routines

Some routines, like brushing and flossing your teeth, are good to maintain. (Ask the people around you!) But other routines can leave you in a rut—and possibly even contribute to depression and stress.
By breaking up your routine, change keeps your mind active, refocusing your thoughts so your mind stays active and doesn’t become fixated on negative thought patterns.

7.    Change offers opportunities

By altering the way you live your life, even in a small way, change can present opportunities that can have a domino effect, providing you with more choices than you ever dreamed possible—so you can create a more fulfilling and authentic life.
Like any new habit, embracing change takes some practice. Keep this list handy, though—the next time you’re presented with a change that seems a little intimidating, you can refer to it. Use it to remind yourself of all the positive impacts that change could—not only on your own life, but on the lives of those around you as well.

Starting fresh

From addicted2success.com:

10 Life Lessons Learned From Suddenly Quitting My Job
By: Jamie Flexman

We all feel lost from time to time. Society has a way of beating us down with its arbitrary life rules and expectations. Just when we think we have it nailed, the rug can be pulled from below and we end up with a crushing realisation that actually, we don’t have it all figured out.
Questions arise, and you find yourself doubting your very existence.
“Am I in the right career?”
“Do I have the ability to rise through the ranks and increase my income?”
“Is this it for me?”
I felt all of this and more. Until the age of 31 I felt trapped in a menial customer service position that began to eat away at my soul. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I knew with absolute certainty that something had to change.
It did. When you back an animal into the corner it has no option but to come out fighting.
I quit my job and it was the scariest moment of my life. Would I sink or swim?
Well, 2 years later I have my own guitar tuition business and while it definitely wasn’t easy – the lessons I have learned on the way will be invaluable as I continue moving forward.
Hopefully, if you’re in a position where you are seeking to change your career or to start your own business, you can take a little something from the following 10 life lessons, such as…
 

Life Lessons Learned From Suddenly Quitting My Job

 

1. There is no such thing as the right time

Do you have a crazy life changing idea that you are putting off because the time just doesn’t feel right? You’re not the only one. I wrestled with my mind for years before I finally plucked up the courage to quit my job, and you know what?
It was a colossal waste of time.
Preparation is overrated. No matter how much thought, planning and care you put into something, you will always come up short.

Life doesn’t give a damn about how prepared you are. It wants people with the balls to make something happen.

 

2. People will think you are crazy but that’s ok

We’re fragile beings. Our ego likes to protect our little selves from all the bad people in the world. Even though we don’t like to admit it, many of our life decisions are taken because we care about what other people think.
It’s human nature.
After quitting my job it didn’t take long for the naysayers to crawl out of the woodwork and mock me for having ideas above my station. I heard it all;
“You can’t do that. How will you survive?”
“You should have found another job first. You’ll regret it.”
“You’re insane!”

But you know what? You soon learn to ignore the haters and it’s impossible to please everyone, so in future it’s best to just live life by your own standards.

 

3. You learn to become responsible for your own actions

Doing something as drastic as quitting my job without really thinking it through, led me to a profound realisation;
This is all down to me.
I don’t have work colleagues to drag me down or a narcissistic manager to crush my soul on a daily basis. There is no one to blame but myself if this goes down the toilet.

That’s the beauty of taking control of your life; you’re fully in the driving seat and the motivational surge you receive as a result of grabbing life by the balls is astounding.

 

4. Every problem faced becomes an end of level boss to defeat

Is life easy once you quit your safe job for a life of uncertainty? Hell no. It feels like an endless assault on the senses. You’ve heard of treading water? Well imagine treading treacle.
Just keeping your head above the surface is a herculean task by itself. Forget trying to run a fledgling business. Putting food on the table and paying the rent suddenly become the only goals worth bothering with.
But you learn to cope.
And then you look for the next challenge that passes your way. You defeat that one too.

In fact, you quickly learn that life isn’t that hard after all. It’s just a videogame and you’ve got invincibility mode enabled.
You’re bulletproof.

 

5. Life isn’t a linear process – there is no beginning, middle and end

I’ll admit; I believed that once I picked up a few students and started making a bit of cash, everything would sort itself out.
How naïve…
Just when things seemed to be moving forwards I would suffer a setback. The few students I had on my roster suddenly quit. No feedback, no apologies, nothing.
Gone, just like that.
And then I waited.
It took me 6 months before I found a few more students to take their place. That’s a long time to wait around without any proper income. Even now, I have good months and bad months, but I have come to realise that it’s all about the process, not the destination.

Life is too big to concern yourselves with. The present moment is all that counts.

 

6. You can make up the rules as you go along

Who in their right mind would give up a safe job, their own apartment and independence for an uncertain life as a guitar teacher?
On the face of it, it’s crazy. But I’ve always teetered on the edge of conformity – peering over the edge to see what is possible.
Who quits their job at the age of 31 and moves back home? Who starts a degree at the same time because it seemed like a good idea? Who fills their days with German study sessions and rigorous guitar practice when they aren’t working?
Me. I do that, because I can.

I’ve learned that confusing people with your day to day activities just means that you’re doing something right with your life.

 

7. Nobody can order you around, but you still need discipline

I have worked under some ridiculously inept managers in my time. Borderline psychopaths, bullies, bumbling buffoons and many other things that begin with the letter ‘B’; but they all have one thing in common…
They can’t tell me what to do.
Except, this led me to a strange realisation; without the structure and discipline of a full time job I became lazy. I needed my alarm clock and the threat of dismissal for not turning up on time to fuel my day.
This is something I still struggle with. I am slowly improving but the procrastination monster still rears its ugly head from time to time.

I’ve learnt that whatever we choose to do with our lives requires discipline to achieve greatness.

 

8. Fear is necessary for growth

I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Life scares the hell out of me.
I used to think that there was a big difference between successful people and the likes of me. That somehow they were born with superpowers that enable them to surge through life with confidence and swagger.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. Fear doesn’t discriminate. It engulfs us all. In fact, successful people experience more fear than anyone else because they are putting their balls on the line every single day
If you’re feeling scared then it’s a good sign. You are pushing yourself further; stretching your comfort zone and experiencing something new and exciting.

Accept and embrace fear because it’s the friend of exceptional people.

 

9. There will never be enough hours in the day

We always want more.
If it’s not money, then it’s time.
If it’s not time, then it’s success.
If it’s not success, then it’s respect.
If it’s not respect, then it’s money. It’s a vicious cycle – an addiction.
Life is a never ending quest to seek more of what we already have. But here is a novel idea… what would happen if we simply made better use of what we currently have? Of course, seeking to improve ourselves or our life situation is desirable but what is the point of acquiring more money if you can’t manage your current finances?
What’s the point in more time if you don’t make use of what you currently have?
What’s the point in building a reputation if you allow complacency to set in?
Everything; time, money and respect must first be earned and then utilised effectively. Do you only have $50 in your account? Stop binging on fast food and use that money wisely.
Do you only know a few people who trust and respect you as a businessperson or as a brand? Word of mouth is powerful; keep these people on side and you’ll reap the rewards later.
Do you only have 2 hours in the evening to spend with your loved ones? Make those 2 hours count.

Successful people make the best of what they have whilst continually striving to improve.

 

10. Excellence is 100% – everything else is failure

For years I coasted through life – doing the absolute bare minimum. Hoping that no one would notice how my whole existence was a master class in incompetence and laziness.
Everything from playing the guitar, my job, training in the gym and even my social interactions were all accomplished with this mentality. I felt like a fraud.
I needed to change, and fast. To do this I had to take a long, hard look at myself and accept that the only way I was going to be able to achieve anything is with complete transparency.
No more lies. No more covering up the cracks. It was time to get brutal.
I’ve discovered that success is a habit forged through a combination of time and effort. There are no shortcuts. Is it possible to put 100% into one area and then coast in another? For a while maybe, but eventually the lesser activity will start dragging the others down.

Consistency is the key. Eliminate the fat from your life and put 100% into whatever remains. Cement the habit and don’t settle for second best.

Since implementing this mentality my output has improved dramatically. My guitar playing has improved. My business has more students than ever. I’m finding that my studies and my assignments are getting easier. I am training harder than ever before and my diet is in check.
It’s not a coincidence.
By suddenly quitting my job I have finally learned how to live my life.
Try it. See what happens.