Your thoughts can change your life

Today I facilitated a group on positive self-talk and how one's thoughts have the potential to change their life. Check out this great article I found on this topic:

Change Your Thoughts To Change Your Life
By: Emma Stuart

Awakening to the realisation that you are constantly creating your own reality and future with your thoughts and emotions alone and taking full responsibility for the fact that the quality of your life depends on the quality of your mindset is the most life changing lesson you could ever learn. What you produce on the inside, will eventually manifest on the outside.
You are not a victim of your past and you are not a prisoner of your present circumstances, however challenging they are. Perhaps you feel trapped inside your own body, you feel like a foreigner has invaded your mind and it’s pure torture. Your mind is a wonderful, powerful organ, but you must take control and understand that it reaps exactly what you plant, and can work for you or against you.
Our thoughts, actions and emotions create our personalities which create our reality. All of which is either conscious or subconscious. Conscious thoughts are the thoughts you are aware of and have more control over. Your subconscious thoughts are thoughts that come from your memory, thoughts that you are not focusing on and not aware of but are just there hanging out calling you names and reminding you of your past and holding you back from living a life that is full of joy and happiness. Subconscious thoughts can be detrimental to your mental health, success and manifesting your desired future. This is where most of your critical and self sabotaging thoughts arise. Thoughts that lie dormant from when you were a child, memories whether good or bad, negative experiences that have created these thoughts do not help you with your potential and they definitely do not heal you feeling lost, depressed or not worthy.

Thoughts that come from your past have no power over your future unless you allow them. What these negative subconscious thoughts do is blind you from seeing the truth, seeing your greatness and your potential in life. It is easy to become blinded by pride and glory, blinded by depression and this vision creates a distorted view of yourself, reality and others around you. You forget your own greatness and the greatness of life. All of this can be healed. The single fact that you are a human with a beating heart gives you the power to become the person you want to be. All by changing your mindset.

I am pretty sure if you are feeling stuck, you’re not going to want to stay there forever. I am telling you right now, you can change your future by becoming aware of all of your thoughts. Through self examination and understanding where your thoughts and automatic behaviors come from. You have to become familiar with the old self before you can unlearn all of your bad behavioral habits and thought patterns so that you can become, the new you. This may feel difficult and challenging at the beginning because it will take you into a new unknown and uncomfortable place. This new place is not to be feared, this is where change happens and you step into the power of becoming your real, whole authentic self. This is where you become the person you were born to be all along, before someone told you that you weren’t good enough or couldn’t do all the things you wanted.
To create change, you must stop making the same choices today that you made yesterday. You must hold onto the positive thoughts that relate to how you want to feel and where you want your future to take you. You have to become focused on letting go of the past, and start visualizing the future you desire. Start to see your dreams in your mind coming into manifestation and then hold onto the emotion that is attached to your desire coming true. You will feel amazing and then will start to attract amazing things. Once you begin to practice being self aware, you will become addicted to thinking only positive, happy thoughts.
To change your life you must change your mind. The body follows where the mind goes. What we think, say and do today is where our future will take us. Learn to be the master of your mind and body with positive thinking and affirmations. Continually find things to be grateful for in your life, gratitude holds so much power to shift you from a state of stress to a state of contentment and bliss. Appreciate the beauty that is around you, and find ways to appreciate your life. Most importantly, do not give up on creating the best version of yourself!

Back injury day# 3

Although this post is not directly related to my addiction, it will be associated because exercise is a part of my self-care routine. I hurt my back on Tuesday morning and I haven't been able to exercise all week. I found myself panicking earlier about "how long it's been already" and "how I will lose all of my progress that I have made in the past 5 years". Thankfully I found this article that helped me to put things in perspective:

How to Deal With the Anxiety of Not Being Able to Exercise
By: Stephanie Lee

By now your regular workouts are as second nature as breathing or wearing pants before you leave the house, but now something — an extended family vacation or an injury perhaps — has ripped away your routine from you. Not working out for a day already makes you antsy. Not working out for a week or more? Oh, no, panic!

Hey, everything is going to be OK. Really.
And that’s coming from someone who used to revolve her life around the gym and a steady workout routine because she had a fully decked-out gym at work that allowed for training five days per week, no excuse. But that nice gym went away when I decided to vagabond around the world.

That’s when the anxiety about losing my fitness latched on hard. It’s funny how fitness has a way of both being a purveyor of confidence and its executioner. I had equated the gym with progress, and in my head, no gym meant no progress; or worse, going backward. The thought terrified me, especially when I imagined all of my hard work and progress just melt away.
Whether you’re dealing with an injury, have a hectic schedule that keeps you out of the gym, or generally need to be some place where you’re not able to resume your normal workout schedule, you’re probably wondering: Will you really lose all of your progress?

You Don’t Lose Fitness That Easily

The short of the good news is, you don’t fall back to beginner level as quickly as you think. It can take between two and four weeks of inactivity for more noticeable strength losses to occur. If you’re a runner, your aerobic capacity could drop as much as 20% in four weeks of inactivity.

The saying “use it or lose it” definitely has some truth here. Your body is awesome at adapting to stresses from exercising (or lack thereof). It’s partially why, when you’re getting in shape, you need to continually push yourself and challenge your body to make sure your fitness keeps improving (hence, the dreaded plateau).
The process of getting out of shape depends on how fit you were to begin with, whether you do endurance or strength workouts, and how inactive you are or plan to be. By that I mean, are you making do with the best you got and taking walks, doing yoga, or going on easy bike rides, if those are possible? Or did you become an expert at couch-sitting?

You’re much better off mentally by staying as active as you can in some manner. It’s your chance to focus on other areas of your physical health and maybe even try something new! Plus, let’s say you (hypothetically) did lose all of your progress and you later returned to working out. It may be frustrating at first to find that you might not be able to do the stuff you used to breeze through, but that’s OK — you’ll end up bouncing back and returning to your normal fitness levels a lot quicker.

The “Should Mentality” Is Effing You Up

If you’ve been sidelined or are currently out of commission due to an injury, you might feel powerless by all the things you think you “should” be able to do. Our own Beth Skwarecki, science and health staff writer, told me that when she tore her ACL she thought she was going to go insane and just hated that she wasn’t able to do more, saying:

I was in really good shape when I got injured, and the injury didn’t seem that bad, so I really just wanted to get back to what I was doing. It was so frustrating to be knocked off that trajectory.

Here Skwarecki feels like she “should” be able to bounce back quickly and get back into her normal swing of things, which made her anxious. In an interview with Tim Ferriss, Dr. Michael Gervais, a sports psychologist and advisor to Olympic athletes, said that, in reference to getting into a professional fighter’s mindset: “we get overrun by external [stimuli] telling us how we should look, how we should think, how we should — and that ‘shoulding’ all over oneself creates shame and smallness.” Basically, it’s this quagmire of “should this” and “should that” that can make it harder for you to cut yourself some slack.
So don’t think about what you should do. Focus on what you can do, as Skwarecki did:

I guess what helped me was finding a [physical therapist that] I trusted, focusing on what I could do and doing it as well as I could.

Gillian Mandich, a health and rehabilitation science PhD student at Western University, also adds:

Although we can’t always control what happens to us, we can always control our response to what happens to us. Focus on other areas of your life that support your physical health. Prioritize your nutrition, hydration, and sleep. This will help boost your overall health, improve your mood, and create the best possible environment for healing.

Expand Your Idea of “Fitness”

When I couldn’t regularly access the gym, I dealt with the initial fear of losing my strength gains by doing the next best thing: bodyweight workouts. I was concerned whether bodyweight workouts were effective enough (they can be and they were). But the most valuable lesson I got out of this was, a workout isn’t just limited to how many miles you can run, how many pounds you can lift, or how many sets and reps you’re able to bang out in an hour.

Fitness can be anything you make of it, and as long as you commit to doing something within your current abilities — whether that’s doing physical therapy exercises, getting your yoga on, taking long walks on the beach, or doing bodyweight exercises, that’s good enough. This “good enough” mindset empowers you to ditch this crazy idea of the “perfect” workout or fitness scenario that might otherwise lead you to completely abandon your fitness goals. No gym? No problem, you can still work out, even if it doesn’t fit your previous perfect definition of a perfect workout.
Our brains and bodies like novelty, so use this time away from the gym to try activities that make you feel positive, energized, and confident, Mandich said. Always wanted to get into crocheting? Do it! Maybe even sharpen up your cooking skills. You never know what might relieve your stress and frustration.

Find Your Tribe

When Skwarecki had to get through her own agonizingly long ACL recovery, she found solace in talking to others who’ve gone through the same injury. She said:

I asked their advice and just had them talk me through what their challenges were and what to expect. I heard from so many badass people who had made it through, and they told me how they were doing their exercises a million times a day right after surgery. So that was kind of inspiring and I thought, “Okay, people have gotten through this before.”

Not sure where to find people who might’ve had the same issue? You can start on reddit, since you can find a thriving community of just about everything. You might also want to look into Facebook groups of your local running clubs, for example, and ask, “Hey, recovering from a <specific injury>. Any advice on coping?” You can even go on Instagram and find hashtags associated with your injury to find fellow injured folks.
Similarly, Mandich also recommends being that person who helps someone else go through the same thing, saying that when you focus on helping others it could help make you feel good and possibly reduce your own anxieties.
If you’re not injured but just don’t know what to do without the gym, I’ve written extensively about how I make do with my travel-friendly suspension trainers, a series of bodyweight workouts, and the attitude that nothing is unchanging— your fitness or lack thereof included. And real talk: it’s actually a good thing to take time off now and again, so maybe enjoy that, too.

Triggers and Relapse

I have found it most fulfilling and informative to work in the addictions field and as such, I get quite a bit of knowledge and information that helps me in my recovery as well. During a group that I co-facilitated today, the topic discussed was triggers and utilizing coping skills to prevent relapse. Check out this article:

Triggers and relapse, a craving connection for addicts
By: Adi Jaffe Ph.D.

When memories trigger behavior, what is an addict to do?

I've already written about one reason why cravings make quitting difficult (find it here). However, cravings and triggers are not just abstract concepts; they are well known, important players in addiction research and I think they deserve some more attention.

What are triggers?

A trigger can be thought of as anything that brings back thoughts, feelings, and memories that have to do with addiction (like a computer reminding a sex addict of porn). In addiction research, these are often simply called cues. The word comes from learning research in which a reward (or punishment) is paired with something (the cue). For instance, in Pavlov's classic experiment, a dog heard a bell ring right before it would get served its daily portion of meat. The dog quickly learned to associate the bell with food, and would begin salivating as soon as the bell would ring, even before the food was presented. In this case, the bell was the cue, and food the reward it was paired with. The story in drug addiction is similar. I'm sure many of you can relate to the overwhelming memories and emotions that seem to come out of nowhere when you hear music you used to get high to or pass a street where you used to buy drugs (or sex). Each of those examples is a trigger that is simply bringing about a similar reaction to Pavlov's dog's salivation. Seeing these things, or hearing them, creates an immediate response to the reward that it was paired with, the drug!

Triggers, cravings, drugs, and relapse

As if matters needed to be made worse, triggers not only bring about responses that make you think about the drug. In fact, over and over in learning and addiction research, it's been shown that triggers actually bring back drug seeking, and drug wanting, behavior. As soon as a cue (or trigger) is presented, both animals and humans who have been exposed to drugs for an extended period of time, will go right back to the activity that used to bring them drugs even after months of being without it. In fact, their levels of drug seeking will bounce backas if no time has passed. Sound familiar?! Given these findings, is it any wonder that cravings bring about relapse in so many addicts who are trying to quit? If simply thinking about, or hearing, something that was always tied to drugs can bring about such a strong response, what is an addict to do?

Is there a solution for addicts??

For now, the simplest way to break the trigger-response connection is simply repeated exposure without the reward. As bizarre as this may seem, staying away from the triggers can make their ability to bring back the old drug-behavior stronger. Obviously, this isn't something that should be undertaken lightly. I'm currently working on putting together a drug treatment system that specifically addresses these issues so that with help, users can eventually release the hold that triggers have over them. In the meantime, be honest with those around you, and if you're seeing a therapist, or a good case manager, tell them about your triggers so that you can hopefully start talking about them, and re-triggering them in a safe environment. 

Perseverance

This morning in the shower, I did something to my back and I have been in excruciating pain ever since. I couldn't miss work because I don't have any time off and I have my 4 hour class tonight. Here I am, sitting in class. I harnessed my perseverance and drive to make it through this day. I found a fantastic article on perseverance. From forbes.com:

These 7 Qualities Lead To Perseverance When Faced With Adversity
By: Megan Bruneau

Resilient individuals trust there’s a gift, lesson, or opportunity in every challenging situation we compound our suffering and stall healing by beating ourselves up

What causes some of us to bounce back and persevere in response to failure or disappointment, while others are left despairing and defeated?  In my experience as a psychotherapist and host of The Failure Factor podcast, I’ve identified seven qualities of resilient entrepreneurs (and people!):

1. The ability to find meaning 
When we experience disappointment, loss, or trauma, finding meaning in our pain helps us accept and integrate what we’ve gone through. Resilient individuals trust there’s a gift, lesson, or opportunity in every challenging situation . For example, the founders of Sakara Life made their “mess into [their] mission.”

Do it: Get into the habit of imparting meaning onto unwanted experiences, asking yourself, “What lesson is in this?” or “How can this help someone else?” or “What emotional tolerance muscle am I strengthening right now?” If you’re having trouble identifying a “gift,” trust one will emerge in the future, or tell yourself that this unwanted experience is actually protecting you in some way.

2. The ability to be vulnerable, connect, and ask for help
Support and connection are essential for surviving a difficult time, yet connection is dependent on vulnerability. Unfortunately many of us, particularly men, are socialized to appear strong and composed even when in the midst of chaos. Removing our masks, sharing our true experience with people we trust, and asking for help are ways we can be vulnerable, connect, and open up to receiving support. Founder and CEO of Thrive Market Gunnar Lovelace and CEO of Visalus Ryan Blair are examples of men who use vulnerability to their advantage.

Do it: Share your struggle with the people you trust. If there’s no one in your life with whom you feel safe being “unmasked,” consider connecting with a therapist. Also, remind yourself of the universal connectedness of all beings–that you’re not alone, there are millions of others experiencing something similar at this time, and we’re all in this together.

3. A supportive relationship with oneself
So many of us are unaware that we compound our suffering and stall healing by beating ourselves up . Significant research suggests self-compassion fosters resilience. Think about it: when we’re supportive and encouraging to ourselves in response to disappointment and failure, we bounce back more easily; alternatively, when we criticize and undermine ourselves, we struggle with forgiving ourselves and moving one when things don’t go according to plan. Former NFL linebacker Matt Mayberry emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in his episode.

Do it: Get in the habit of saying to yourself what you would to a friend when things don’t go your way. Remind yourself you’re not a robot–you’re an imperfect human being like everyone else, and screwing up (and feeling crappy) is part of that process. Empathize with your feelings of disappointment/shame/loss and congratulate yourself on taking a risk or stepping out of your comfort zone.

4. The ability to surrender and trust in the face of uncertainty
Believing everything is in our control is incredibly stressful. Surrendering to the anxiety-provoking reality that we have influence over very little in life can actually be incredibly relieving–if we have some sense of spirituality, faith, or trust in the process. Learn how Passport 2 Beauty founder Shalini Vadhera’s business skyrocketed after she “surrendered.”

Do it: Ask yourself, “What’s in my control right now?” As for what’s not, quit struggling and practice surrendering to life’s uncertainty (key word being “practice”). Harness your spirituality or trust in something greater than yourself–even if it’s “progression to the mean.”

5. A sense of humor
Studies have shown that humor is a form of emotion regulation and coping. Humor is a way of connecting with others, integrating painful experience, finding meaning, and developing a narrative for a pain-filled story. Freud might see it as a defense mechanism, but experts now see humor as essential to resiliency.

Do it: If your story were made into a movie, what parts might evoke sympathetic laughter in a theatre? If you were recounting your experience to a friend, what could you make light of? Look for satirical and entertaining pockets in the pain.

6. Equanimity
Equanimity, defined as ”mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation,” is essentially non-reactivity. It’s the product of mindfulness–observing our experience with acceptance and compassion and without reactivity. The more we practice mindfulness, the less fazed we are by the emotional rollercoaster of entrepreneurship (and life). Founder and CEO of Bleacher Report Dave Finocchio emphasizes equanimity as a necessary quality for entrepreneurial success.

Do it: Make a point to spend part of your commute or your shower acceptingly noticing your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations come and go as though you’re watching them on a movie screen. When your mind wanders to the future or the past, gently bring it back to your present awareness.

7. The ability to cultivate perspective and gratitude 
I was stressing about bills the other day while mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, when I stumbled across a sobering 9/11 tribute that gave me a reality check. Finding perspective and gratitude can help us get back on track after being derailed. Now, we don’t want to be dismissive of our struggles, but we do want to see them in a less immediate context. Our existence is fragile and precarious; If you’re fortunate enough to have health, freedom, sanity, safety, and connection, be aware of that . Read how, Whitney Wolfe, founder and CEO of Bumble gains perspective here.

Do it: After self-compassionately validating what you’re going through, ask yourself: ”How would the situation be different if I got a terminal diagnosis tomorrow or lost someone I love? How do my feelings about the situation change when I zoom out and see myself as an insignificant, impermanent flicker in an infinite universe?”  Then fill in the blank: “Thankfully, I  _____.”
So work on building the seven qualities discussed. Not only will you be more resilient when faced with adversity, you’ll feel empowered to take the risks you need to succeed–both in your career and in life.

Self-sacrifice

Today is Memorial Day, a day in which our nation honors those who have died serving in all branches of the military throughout the years. Also given special attention on this day are those who have served in active duty and survived the conflict they were sent to fight in. All of these soldiers displayed a quality that is both admirable and honorable: self-sacrifice. Merriam-Webster defines self-sacrifice as "sacrifice of oneself or one's interest for others or for a cause or ideal". Clearly this definition fits the average soldier very well.
Although I like to think that I engage in self-sacrifice by attempting to co-parent with my toxic ex and going to school and working to make life better for both my son and myself, I truly have nothing on those who have made the biggest sacrifice of all. Today's entry is dedicated to those men and women who have gone above and beyond for the greater good of our country. I honor and salute you.

Self-abandonment

From psychcentral.com:

Why We Abandon Ourselves and How to Stop
By: Sharon Martin, LCSW 

Do you have a hard time trusting yourself? Do you hide parts of yourself – your feelings, beliefs, and ideas – in order to fit in or please others? Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they don’t really matter?
This is self-abandonment.
We abandon ourselves when we don’t value ourselves, when we don’t act in our own best interest, and when we don’t encourage and comfort ourselves.
Notice how many of these examples of self-abandonment ring true for you.

Examples of self-abandonment:

Not trusting your instincts – second-guessing yourself, overthinking and ruminating, letting others make decisions for you and assuming they know more than you do.

People-pleasing – seeking validation from others, suppressing your needs and interests in order to please others.

Hiding parts of yourself – giving up your interests and goals, not sharing your feelings.

Perfectionism – having unrealistically high expectations for yourself, never feeling worthy regardless of how much you do and what you accomplish.

Self-criticism and judgment – saying hurtful and mean things to yourself when you don’t meet your own painfully high standards.

Not honoring your needs – not recognizing that your needs are valid, failing to practice self-care, feeling unworthy of self-care.

Suppressing your feelings – pushing away uncomfortable feelings through denial, mood-altering substances, and avoidance.

Not acting according to your values – doing things to please others even if they go against your beliefs and values.

Codependent relationships – focusing on someone else’s needs, wants, and problems and neglecting yourself.

Not speaking up for yourself – not asking for what you need, not setting and enforcing boundaries, letting people take advantage of you.

Why we abandon ourselves

Self-abandonment begins in childhood. It’s likely that your parents or other influential adults didn’t meet your emotional and/or physical needs in childhood – they abandoned you emotionally or physically — causing you to feel unworthy and unlovable.
As adults, we tend to repeat these types of patterns from childhood because they’re familiar; we repeatedly choose partners and friends who mistreat, take advantage of, or don’t support us. And we do the same to ourselves. We don’t know how to be there for ourselves because no one was truly there for us as children.
Self-abandonment is a learned behavior, a way you tried to cope with unhealthy or dysfunctional family dynamics. Children depend on adults to meet their emotional and physical needs. But when you live in an unpredictable, chaotic, or abusive family, you learn to hide your true self. You act like a chameleon, morphing into whatever role will keep the peace and help you avoid ridicule, put-downs, physical and emotional pain. You learn to suppress your feelings and needs, that your worth depends on what you accomplish or do (and whatever you do, it’s never enough), that your needs, interests, goals don’t matter, and that you don’t deserve love and compassion.
Self-abandonment is a self-destructive pattern that can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and unfulfilling relationships. Abandoning yourself may have been a necessity during childhood, but it isn’t helpful anymore. So, let’s look at how you can begin to trust and value yourself.

How to stop abandoning yourself

In her autobiography, fashion designer Diane Von Furstenberg wrote, “The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.” You need to be able to rely on yourself. And your relationship with yourself becomes the template for all the other relationships you form.
As such, we need to cultivate a loving relationship with ourselves – even if it feels uncomfortable and even if we’re not entirely sure how to do it. We need to start showing up for ourselves, allowing ourselves to freely express ourselves, and recognizing that we’re flawed but completely worthy.
You stop abandoning yourself and start creating a loving relationship with yourself when you:

Allow yourself to have feelings and needs.

Everyone has feelings and needs. You may not have been allowed to express them as a child (or even in some of your adult relationships), but you can now be a safe haven for your own feelings and needs. If you listen, your feelings will tell you what you need and when you meet your needs, you’ll be happier and healthier.
To begin, practice identifying your feelings throughout the day. If this is new to you, it can help to use a list of feeling words (such as this one). Then ask yourself, “I’m feeling ___________. What do I need right now?”
The objective is to stay present with your difficult feelings, rather than to abandon yourself when you feel overwhelmed. Meditation is another tool that can help you cultivate acceptance of and tolerance for your feelings. Many people enjoy meditation apps such as Calm, Headspace, and Insight Timer.

Allow yourself to be creative, quirky, and uniquely you.

Try not to hide parts of yourself out of fear of disapproval or judgment. Not everyone is going to like you – and that’s okay. Don’t shrink or change to please others. Express who you are through your work, creative pursuits, your hairstyle and clothes, your hobbies, interests, and passion projects. If you feel out of touch with the real you, commit some time to rediscovering what you like and what matters to you.

Treat yourself with compassion

Everyone deserves care and comfort when they are suffering. Often, we’re great a doing this for others, but we minimize our own struggles and fail to love ourselves when we need it the most.
On her website, self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff, Ph.D. suggests, “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
Most of us weren’t taught about the importance of self-compassion as children, so we need to teach ourselves these skills as adults. And if your parents didn’t show you compassion, this may feel quite foreign. It will get easier and more comfortable with practice.
The basic tenants of self-compassion are:

Notice when you’re struggling. Noticing your feelings and your body sensations (muscle tension, aches and pains, rapid heart rate, and so on) will help you notice when you’re experiencing a disappointment, loss, or hard time.

Recognize that everyone suffers, has difficulties, and makes mistakes. When you do this, you feel connected to others through your struggles rather than isolated and inadequate because of them.

Mindful awareness of your negative feelings. The goal is to be aware of your feelings, but not to judge them. You want to give them space, but not let them define us.

You might also think about what concrete actions you can take to comfort yourself. I’ve written several articles with ideas for practicing self-compassion that you can find here and here.

Stand up for yourself

Another important aspect of self-love and trust is advocating for yourself. I know it can be scary to assert yourself and set boundaries. Most of us are afraid of offending or angering people – and afraid that we’ll be abandoned if we do. But the alternative — letting others walk all over you — is self-abandonment. It’s saying, “Other people’s needs and wants matter more than mine. And I will accept disrespect, invalidation, and blame because I don’t think I’m worthy of anything better.” Clearly, this isn’t the foundation of a healthy relationship with anyone. To learn more about setting boundaries, you can read this blog post or use the practical exercises in my workbook Setting Boundaries without Guilt.
 
How will you start to show up for yourself? Will you listen to what your body and feelings are telling you? Will you prioritize self-care? Will you do what feels right for you even if others disapprove? Will you comfort yourself when you’re having a hard time? Will you set boundaries without feeling guilty? It doesn’t matter where you begin, just take one small step today to value yourself.

Recovery Update

Today is day #565 of sobriety and I have decided to provide a recovery update. I feel as if I am doing extremely well in recovery and even though I am not working the steps (because I truly do not have time), I have maintained my commitment to not engaging in any acting out behaviors. In about a week, it will mark 2 years since I met my most recent qualifier. It's crazy to me because it doesn't seem like all that long ago when I was still acting out. I haven't been on dating sites in almost 2 years as well. My recovery from love and sex addiction has been both one of the hardest and most fulfilling things I have ever done. While I was hoping that sticking with it would be worth it in the end, the benefits I have gotten in recovery have more than exceeded my wildest expectations. I can't wait to see what my future holds because now I have hope for it. Thank God for my patience, perseverance, and being there for me when I didn't know how I would make it through the next minute. One day at a time; keep coming back because it works!!!

Resilience

From Lifehack.org:

What Is Resilience and Why Is It Important?
By: Ashley Elizabeth

Have you ever wondered why some people remain calm in the face of adversity, while others crumble?
People who are able to effectively navigate the highs and lows of life have what psychologists call resilience, or an ability to effectively bounce back from adversity.
Whenever you come across a difficult situation, you have two choices: you can either let your emotions get the best of you and become paralyzed by fear, or you can uplift yourself from the negative and transform pain into possibility.
I think we can all agree that life is a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. Even if you consider yourself to be a happy person, it is inevitable that you will encounter challenges at some point along your journey. These experiences may bend you, but they do not have to break you.
Building resilience is the key to turning challenges into successes.
Don’t get me wrong… being a resilient person is not an easy feat. However, I believe that all of us have the power to develop a resilient mindset; just like a muscle, it needs to be conditioned and strengthened every single day.
Sometimes it takes hitting your emotional threshold, which I like to call, rock bottom, before you are able to tap into your personal resilience. This is how I came to discover my strength…

TABLE OF CONTENTS

How I Discovered My Resilience

What Is Resilience?

Multiple Definitions of Resilience

The Importance of Resilience

Final Thoughts

More Resources to Build a Stronger Mind

How I Discovered My Resilience

It wasn’t until I suffered two near-fatal car accidents that left me with a spinal cord and brain injury that my entire perspective on life changed.
I had hit rock bottom and it felt as if my life was crumbling before my eyes. The doctors told me that I may never walk again and that the best thing that I could do was to accept my new reality.
In that moment, I just wanted to give up, but I didn’t. In its simplest form, that’s what resilience is all about – choosing to keep going when every bone in your body tells you not to.
Rock bottom ended up being the foundation upon which I rebuilt my entire life.
From the traumatic events in my life, I discovered that there were recurring patterns of strategies that I used in order to be resilient. For example, I learned how to make friends with my pain and healed my emotional trauma through yoga, dance and meditation.
Despite my doctors orders, I continued my Psychology degree, while lying in bed with a back brace on for 6 months. I was determined to keep feeding my brain with new knowledge. Falling into depression wasn’t an option.

That being said, there were a lot of moments when I thought, “Why me?” or “Life isn’t fair.” However, through it all, my bounce-back ability remained strong.
I refused to define myself by my pain.
Instead, I took action to create a new reality for myself. It may not have been the reality that I asked for, but nevertheless, I made it work. I become a new version of myself, one that was stronger and more wiser.
In the words of John Assaraf,

“No matter what your current circumstances are, if you can imagine something better for yourself, you can create it.”

I like to think of myself as a Resilience Junkie, a woman who is addicted to thriving through adversity.
Today, I am a resilience mastery coach. All along, my purpose was hidden within my wounds. I empower women to shift their lives from surviving to thriving so that they can master resilience in every dimension of their lives.
When you tap into your resilience and unleash your inner power, there is no challenge that you cannot conquer.

What Is Resilience?

The construct of resilience has its roots in the field of developmental psychopathology during the 1970s. In the course of studying children with psychiatric disorders, psychiatrists and psychologists noted that a small number of children did not display the expected maladaptive behaviours.
Instead, they displayed behaviours that were within the normal range of social development.[1]
However, it was the studies of children of schizophrenic parents and the findings that some children thrived despite their high-risk status that led to the expansion of research on resilience. These included multiple adverse conditions, including socioeconomic disadvantage, parental mental illness, maltreatment, illness and catastrophic life events.
During the late 1980s and 1990s, research on resilience revealed it to be a much more ordinary phenomenon than it was first thought to be. The construct of resilience evolved to presume exposure to significant adversity.

Multiple Definitions of Resilience

To date, there is little consensus among researchers about the definition and meaning of the construct of resilience. In the last decade, the concept of resilience has shifted. It was once confined to a set of stable individual traits.

However, the concept shifted to an outcome and dynamic process, dependent upon interactions between individual and contextual variables, evolving over time.[2]
Today, resilience is commonly referred to as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress.[3]This definition captures the ‘bounce-back’ characteristic, which reflects one of the central characteristics of resilience.

The Importance of Resilience

Ever-increasing demands on time and energy have created an environment where people feel overwhelmed and unable to manage the high expectations of their daily lives.
As a result, people find themselves constantly multitasking, chronically distracted, and pulled in way too many different directions. If you want to stay at the top of your game in life and in work, it is imperative that you learn how to successfully navigate your way through the tough times.
In a study sponsored by Nationwide and Vodafone, nearly 100 percent of participants cited resilience as a factor in job success.[4] Numbers don’t lie. Resilience is the secret to success.
Here are four reasons why possessing resilience is a critical life-skill in today’s world:

1. Transform Failure Into Success

In my experience, the road to success is paved with a lot of failure. It’s a normal part of life. You cannot build resilience unless you are willing to fail. End of story.
When you mess up, you’ve got to get back up.
Those who are unable to bounce back from adversity end up internalizing failure and inevitably, giving up altogether. If you can relate to this way of thinking, it’s important to understand that failure is an event. It does not define who you are as a person.
Research shows that when you try, fail, try something else, fail, try again, and ultimately succeed, you get a nice kick from your dopaminergic reward system.[5]This is what gives you the momentum that you need when adversity hits you like a ton of bricks.Failure is merely a steppingstone which everyone goes through on their path to greatness. You’ve got to ask yourself… are you willing to take bold risks in order to become the person you’ve always desired to be? If you don’t try, you will never know.

2. Develop an Internal Locus of Control

Do you believe that life happens for you or to you? In order for you to improve your happiness in any area of your life, you have to ask yourself the difficult question – “Who is responsible for my happiness?”
Your answer to this question will determine how effectively you are able to overcome challenges in life.

People who adopt an external locus of control struggle to bounce back from life’s blows. They believe that external forces determine the direction that their lives will take.
Not surprisingly, this beliefs leave them feeling powerless. They play the victim in their life story, and trust me when I say that this is no way to live.
As researcher, Julian Rotter once said,

“Those who are passive about their well-being believe they have little or no control over their lives.”

If you ascribe to this way of living, the great news is that at any given moment, you can decide to change this pattern of conditioning.
Conversely, people with an internal locus of control see themselves as the CEO of their lives. They know that they are in control of every single decision that they make.
When they get knocked down, they are able to bounce forward, meaning that they are able to use life’s greatest adversities as springboards for success. When you do this, you become the driver of your destiny and resilience becomes your natural state of being.

3. Build Positive Beliefs

When your world comes crashing down on you, it’s easy to fall into negativity mode and play the ‘why me’ game. However, you cannot overcome challenges in life if you think that the Universe isn’t on your side. Negativity will get you nowhere in life.
Research shows that one major factor that contributes to resilience is the experience of harnessing positive emotions, even in the midst of an especially trying or stressful time.[6]
A resilient person works through challenges by harnessing the power of positive emotions. They are able to reframe adversity into something that is positive, which allows them to bounce back a lot quicker.
You will surprise yourself how much more calm you will feel in the face of adversity when you choose to be happy and optimistic.

4. Help You Embrace Change

At the heart of resilience lies a simple truth – change is inevitable. The reality is that we live in a world of constant change. In fact, uncertainty is the only certainty that we can count on.
People get into trouble when they ignore or resist change. As a result, they end up living a life of pain and suffering because they are unable to find comfort in the chaos.

You will not build resilience by hanging out in your comfort zone. The only way to truly grow and expand yourself is to break free from the chains of stability and dive into the unknown.
Yes, this will be scary at first. It will require that you do some deep inner work, like shifting your limiting beliefs, breaking bad habits, and learning how to make friends with stress.
Let’s face it… nobody is excited to face their “stuff”, but it’s an integral step on the road to becoming a resilient person. In the words of Socrates,

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”

When you master change, you master your life. Are you ready to jump on the change train?”

Final Thoughts

The next time that life throws you a curveball, trust that you are strong enough to stay in the game. Adversity may bend you, but don’t let it break you.
It doesn’t matter how many times that you fall. All that matters is that you get back up again and keep moving forward. In the words of the famous Japanese proverb,

“Fall seven times. Stand up eight.”

You’ve got this. Whatever you do, don’t give up. I am living proof that the comeback is always stronger than the setback.
Are you ready to live a more resilient life?

Anger & Co-parenting

Because I get in a disagreement with my son's father on the reg, I am angry about these interactions more often than not. Tonight I researched the topic and found this article full of great tips. From divorcemag.com:

Tired of Feeling Angry at Your Co-Parent? These 6 Tips Will Help

When you’re angry at your co-parent, you lose your ability to use reason and logic. Consider these six strategies to shift your thinking and move from emotionally reactive to calm and proactive during negotiations.

By: Alisa Jaffe Holleron

For many people, being angry with your co-parent is a recurring and challenging problem. When you’re angry, you lose your ability to use reason and logic. You’re in an emotionally reactive state, which makes you super-dumb and do super-dumb things. You must not negotiate with your co-parent while you’re angry because you’re negotiating about the most important thing to you – your children – and you need to be as grounded and smart as possible during these negotiations.
Consider these six strategies to shift your thinking and move from angry and super-dumb to calm and smart.

Learn To Sit with Anger: Recognize anger for what it is: an intensely uncomfortable experience. There is a trigger, and “whoosh” the anger comes in. You never ask for it and you don’t want it, but it comes anyway. You may take anger very seriously, and think you have to do something about it. Just because it’s there, doesn’t mean that you have to do anything. Learning to just sit with the uncomfortable feeling will give you the time to think through whether any action is needed and what the best action would be. Anger causes trouble, not because it is there, but because of what you do when it comes. Giving it space will either help you back off and not take action, or take action that is effective.

Anger Is an Emotionally Active State: Emotionally reactive states like anger, frustration, resentment, and anxiety actually cause you to lose the part of your brain that exercises rationality and good judgment. Brain imaging shows that when people are in emotionally reactive states, the intelligent part of their brain essentially turns off. You do not want to take action when you are missing the most intelligent part of the brain. That is sure to get you into trouble! There are many ways to re-engage the part of your brain that shuts down when you get in emotionally reactive states. For instance, you could pause, breathe deeply, and practice mindfulness (see below).

Mindfulness Is a Simple but Powerful Skill for Working with Anger: Mindfulness is simply awareness. When anger comes, you can either be aware of it, or not. If you are not aware of it, anger will take control and you will be at its mercy. If you are mindful or aware, you can say, “hello anger I see you’re here.” The part of you that can see that anger is there is not anger. It is another part of you that is separate and distinct from anger. So now, instead of just having anger taking over the show, you have anger, and another part of you that isn’t anger. This gives you the choice to either act out of anger, or act from a more calm, rational part of you. Research has shown that people who practice mindfulness are much better at regulating their emotions. It also shows that the children of parents who practice mindfulness feel better about themselves. There are many resources for learning how to practice mindfulness.

Remember That Your Co-Parent Is Distressed: Often people think that their co-parents are intentionally difficult, and enjoy driving them crazy. As much as you might want to believe this, it is rarely if ever true. People behave badly because they are distressed. People who are happy, calm and at peace with themselves don’t behave badly. Your ex is behaving the way they behave because they have some form of distress that they don’t know how to deal with. If you feel like your ex is behaving the way they are because they are intentionally trying to hurt you, you are going to be much more triggered than if you realize that they are just a mess inside. Think of them as struggling and suffering (which they are) and you won’t be as reactive. By the way, understanding that they are distressed does not mean you have to give in to them or do anything different. Cultivating an awareness of their distress simply helps you respond less reactively.

Anger Often Comes from Feeling Powerless: Co-parents often feel like they are powerless and their co-parent holds all the power. But this is not true! It is very common that both co-parents feel powerless and like the other parent holds all the power. This is a very hard thing for many people to wrap their brain around. If you remember that your co-parent feels just as powerless as you do, you are likely to feel less angry. Remind yourself that just as you feel threatened, your co-parent also feels threatened.

When You Feel Yourself Get Angry, Focus on Your Children: Don’t let your anger take you away from your children. When you stay in emotionally reactive states, you are disconnected from your children. The more you can stay connected to your children, the more it will benefit them. The more you stay connected, the more it will benefit you. The more you stay connected, the more it will benefit your relationship with your children as well. Ironically, co-parents are often angry because they are worried about their children. Remember that working on being connected is what they need most of all!

15 Essentials

From mindbodygreen.com:

15 Essential Qualities Of Relationships That Last
By: Vishnu Subramaniam

Relationships can be difficult. Focusing on external qualifiers makes it even harder. But successful relationships require something much deeper than shared interests or physical attraction. Maintaining a healthy, happy relationship requires you to make daily choices that leave your ego behind and to act in the best interest of your relationship rather than just yourself.
Here are what I consider the 15 essential qualities of a lasting relationship:

1. Acceptance

Any partner will have qualities, characteristics, and behaviors that push your buttons and test your sanity. To make your relationship last, you have to accept your partner unconditionally—quirks, behavior, flaws, and all. First, you make the commitment to accepting them completely. Then, you speak up and say what it is that’s bothering you.

2. Respect

Once the chase is over and we've gotten the prize, we often just forget about our partner's feelings and needs. In lasting relationships, both partners value each other and take care with their words, actions, and behaviors. If you want to be with that person each day, make them feel that way.

3. Vulnerability

If you’re not willing to share what’s going on with you or what you need from your partner, you’re not going to get what you need. Yet, us men, and women, too—out of shame or a habit built over a lifetime of bottling up our feelings—don’t want to let anyone else in on what’s going on with us. If you can trust your partner enough to share your feelings, you’re more likely to find yourself in a safe relationship that lasts.

4. Trust

You have to be willing to trust your partner not only with your feelings but with your weaknesses. You will have to learn trust at the emotional, physical, and spiritual level. Trust takes practice and is earned one step at a time. Even when trust is broken, you can find a way to repair a breach in trust if you’re willing to work on it.

5. Honesty

You have to be willing to share what’s going on, no matter how ugly. You can’t hide behind lies and deception if you want your relationship to last. If you can’t believe your partner when they tell you something, or if your partner is hiding things from you, it’s going to be hard for you to feel safe. Honesty helps foster trust and a belief in each other, which is crucial to making it over the long haul.

6. Empathy

Empathy means trying to understand what your partner is feeling. It isn’t about trying to fix your partner’s concerns and problems, necessarily, but about being able to be there for them. If you can pay more attention to what’s going on with your partner and strive to see things from their eyes, you will find yourself getting closer over time rather than more distant.

7. Kindness

Do all the things for your partner that you would do for your best friend. Try to anticipate their needs. Think about what they need help with and try to be there for them. Cut out the behavior that gets on their nerves and find ways to uplift your partner. Thoughtfulness, consideration, and kindness is the recipe for lasting relationships.

8. Commitment

You have to be committed to your partner, yes. But more than commitment to your partner, you have to be committed to the relationship. If you think about the health and future of the relationship instead of just your own, you’re likely to take more constructive actions and behave differently. It’s not just about getting your needs met. It's about replenishing the fire so your relationship can last.

9. Thoughtfulness

Thoughtfulness is keeping your partner in mind and striving to do things that will make their lives better. It’s knowing their preferences, opinions, and quirks so you’re able to dance with them, not fight them with. The better you know your partner, the more you can practice thoughtfulness. What can you do today to help them or improve their lives? What can you do today to make your partner’s day?

10. Forgiveness

You will be offended and feel hurt many times throughout a relationship. The key is to forgive quickly, let go of grudges, and start over each day. Yes, this is easier said than done, but forgiveness is crucial to the long-term health of the relationship. You have to let go of trespasses and also be willing to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness takes courage, vulnerability, and practice.

11. Compromise

It may sound clichéd, but giving up on firm positions, unbendable views of the world, and what you each want to do independently of the other person is another important step to lasting love. Our egos usually hold us hostage and we can’t get out of the “win-lose” mentality. Compromise is letting go of what’s important to you individually in order to do what is important to the health of the relationship. It’s finding common ground.

12. Gentleness

Gentleness comes through in thoughts, words, actions, and your general state of being. It’s understanding and accepting your partner completely and treating them delicately. It’s not yelling, not being verbally or emotionally abusive, or name-calling.
Gentleness is treating your partner in a respectful, kind, and compassionate way. It’s recognizing your soulful connection and appreciating their inherent humanness.

13. Affection

After some time in relationships, we often forget to show love and affection toward our partners. Affection can be as simple as touching, holding, or kissing your partner for no reason at all. It’s a warm embrace, a light touch, a loving word, or any other small way you can show your partner that you love them.
To be most affectionate, you have to know how your partner receives love best and do more of that. Is it a loving word, a thoughtful gesture, help around the house, or doing something special for them? The better you know what your partner enjoys, the more affectionate you can be. This Love Languages quiz can help you figure out how you and your partner can most effectively show your love to each other.

14. Appreciation

We all take our partners for granted sometimes. If you can regularly remind yourself how lucky you are and how valuable your partner is, and tell them so, you will boost the happiness and longevity of your relationship. Partners who stay together appreciate each other and compliment each other. Recognize what your partner is doing and let them know that you’re thankful for it.

15. Validation

Most of the time, people don’t really understand us. Everyone has different opinions. Validating your partner shows them that you’re on their side. When you understand and accept what they say, they feel fully seen, heard, and accepted. It’s acknowledging what your partner is saying to you and showing them that you get them—you understand what they’re saying and experiencing. When you validate, you accept. And when you accept, you show unconditional love, which is ultimately what keeps people and relationships together in the long run.

The Four Agreements

A coworker lent me a book that I recently started reading and I am already impressed! 😊 I found an article Psychologytoday.com about the book:

Agreeing with The Four Agreements
By: John A. Johnson Ph.D.

Forty years after reading Castaneda, I reconsider ancient Toltec wisdom.

At the end of my previous post, Selective Shopping in the Cafeteria of Life, I promised to examine "Ancient Toltec Wisdom" for ideas that might of value to the modern mind. Today I am making good on that promise.

Ancient Toltec Wisdom?

Specifically, I want to write about a book by don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, a Toltec Wisdom Book. A very long title for a very short book (138 5"x7" pages)! Despite the claim that the ideas in this book represent insights possessed by the Toltecs in what is now Mexico a thousand years ago, most of these ideas are highly similar to concepts used by modern humanistic
psychologists, transactional analysts, and cognitive-behavioral psychologists. For example, Ruiz says that all children are born perfectly loving, playful, and genuine. However, parents teach their children what Carl Rogers called conditions of worth–standards of behavior the children must follow to receive love and avoid criticism. Eventually these standards become internalized into what Eric Berne called a life script–an unconscious set of instructions for living life. According to Ruiz, most of these unconscious beliefs are perfectly arbitrary or downright false. Many of them are irrational and unnecessarily limiting. They key to freedom–pace cognitive therapists such as Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck–is to become aware of our irrational and limiting thoughts so that we can replace them with healthy thoughts. In short, this book could be a primer for cognitive-behavioral therapy.
Ruiz says that children do not know any better than to agree with the adult realities into which they are indoctrinated. Children do not argue with the meanings of words or grammar as they are learning language. If my parents tell me I am smart and handsome, I believe them. If they tell me I am stupid and ugly, I believe them. Children have no choice but to agree. They are like Plato's prisoners in the cave, shackled and forced into believing that shadows of artificial objects are real. But as we mature, we can become warriors, breaking free from the shackles of agreements with our implanted, false ideas. We can accept healthier agreements. Ruiz presents four such healthier agreements in his book. Below is a Reader's Digest version; I have written more extensively on the agreements elsewhere.

1. Be impeccable with your word. In a sense, social constructivists are correct about words creating reality. We act on what we tell ourselves is real. Albert Ellis encouraged us to screen our self-talk for negative, irrational chatter. So, what kinds of words to you use when you describe reality? Do you lie and say hurtful and poisonous things about yourself and others? Not healthy! To be impeccable with your word is to be truthful and to say things that have a positive influence on yourself and others.

2. Don't take anything personally. The first agreement suggests that we avoid treating others hurtfully. The second agreement provides us with a way of dealing with potentially hurtful treatment from others. Because each person sees the world in a unique way, the way that others treat us says as much about them as it does about us. To not take anything personally is to acknowledge the unique identities of other people. We respect their subjective realities, realizing that their views do not necessarily describe us accurately.

3. Don't make assumptions. Assuming that you know what other people are thinking or feeling about you is a limiting thought that Aaron Beck called Mind Reading. Obviously, none of us can read minds. When we try to engage in mind reading we will often be wrong, leading to undesirable consequences. The antidote to mind reading is to ask for evidence before concluding what people are thinking.

4. Always do your best. One obvious reason for doing your best is that we cannot achieve our goals by being lazy. If you do your best, not only are you are more likely to achieve goals, but you will also avoid criticism from what Ruiz calls your internal Judge. There are also more subtle issues about doing "your best." One is that you should not try to do better than your best. Pushing yourself too hard can cause pain, injury, and mistakes. More subtle still is the recognition that our "best" will vary from moment to moment, that, in a sense, you are always doing your best. Realize this, and your inner Judge can take a permanent vacation.

Do these four agreements actually derive from ancient Toltec wisdom? I will bet that many hard-nosed skeptics would have serious doubts about that. I am a skeptic myself. But to my fellow skeptics, I might mention that Ruiz's next book, The Fifth Agreement, suggests the following agreement: "Be skeptical but learn to listen."

Sober dating

From Psychologytoday.com:

What Dating Looks Like for a Recovering Sex Addict
By: Alexandra Katehakis Ph.D., MFT

The sex addict has a true shot at real joy – if he or she can trust the process.

Sex addicts use behaviors rather than substances as coping mechanisms. These might include masturbation, compulsive viewing of pornography, infidelity, one-night stands and a host of other ‘acting out’ practices that undermine the ability to form intimate bonds with another human being. However, once in therapy, there inevitably comes a day when the sex addict is ready to embark on that daunting journey we call dating. For a man who has spent years, if not decades, relating to porn actresses on a computer screen, encountering a flesh and blood partner can seem unpredictable and terrifying. Likewise for the woman who always seems to get involved with unavailable, married men, a truly present, drama-free suitor can be deemed ‘boring.’ These unique challenges can be overcome, of course, but the sex addict will have their work cut out for them.
The first major challenge is time. The sex addict is used to instant gratification, and may not have the patience to invest in a long term relationship that builds gradually through shared interests and time spent getting to know one another. This impossible ‘slowness’ that intimacy requires may frustrate and confuse the addict, who no doubt is in a rush to form a relationship after so many months spent healing in celibacy. Compulsive sex is the fast food of relationships, and developing a taste for the slow-cooked meal may take some time. Here the experienced therapist can be of huge assistance by reminding the sex addict that dating is not a race, nor a competition, but rather an adventure into the complete unknown where everything the addict thought they knew about intimacy turned out to be false, and a whole new universe must open up in order to move forward.

The second challenge is transparency. Before recovery, the sex addict made decisions independently, choosing who to date, whom to have sex with, who to contact and what acts to participate in. Of course, these choices brought the addict much pain, and now post-recovery, he or she must tolerate a temporary loss of autonomy, sharing with a therapist, a 12-step group sponsor and even a support group the everyday minutia of their dating process. Here the addict may long to keep just one or two secrets, but to do so would be counterproductive to the entire recovery process. Instead of seeing transparency as a punishment or a hindrance, the addict must come to view it as rock-solid security measure again potential relapse, where relapse would eliminate all chances at personal happiness.

The realm of healthy dating may seem strange for other reasons as well. Sometimes the addict has been off the dating scene for years and is returning as an older person. It’s natural to be confused in this case about one’s age and to find only younger people attractive. After all, addiction tends to arrest people emotionally, and in recovery they often surface at the point from which they left off, feeling, for instance, like a 20-year old trapped in a 35-year old’s body. Here the therapist can offer gentle, loving encouragement to try giving people their own age a chance.
Regardless of the particular brand of sex addiction, this stage of reentry into the dating pool is critical for every sex addict. It cannot be rushed, underestimated or faced alone anymore than the early emergency stages of recovery could be when the addict was hitting bottom. This time around, however, the addict has a true shot at real joy – if he or she can trust the process.

Alone doesn't mean lonely

From HuffPost.com:




Alone Doesn’t Mean Lonely
By: Jessica Faaborg



Alone: adjective & adverb

1. having no one else present; on one’s own.

Lonely: adjective

1. sad because one has no friends or company.

2. without companions; solitary.

3. (of a place) unfrequented and remote.

There is a difference. I live my life for the most part, alone. I go to movies, and dinner, car shows and sporting events and everything else I do for enjoyment. I do not have a partner or someone I share my life with. I am alone. That is a tough pill to swallow; especially when you look at the facts that I have lived my life alone for so very long. Have I dated and had spurts of non-alone time on a sporadic basis, of course. I got divorced several years ago. I went through the heartache of someone who wanted me... just not enough to stay. I went through the pain and anger and grief process you go through after the death of a marriage; and I came out of it a stronger person with the knowledge of what I certainly don’t want in a partner.

One of the most hurtful things I have heard came from a few of friends. “Why don’t you spend some time alone?” Really, what are you thinking saying that to ME? At this point in time, minus the dates that went horribly and the “dating” that turned into A date with A man once every three weeks, I have been alone for the better part of five years. Which anyone who actually pays attention to my life would know, and would never think of saying something like that to me. “Get to know yourself”, HMMMMM pretty sure I know myself inside and out at this point. I’m a pretty cool chick who has flaws and insecurities just like everyone else. I also know that I am stunning both in and out of make-up, I have “the most amazing beautiful blue eyes” anyone has ever seen, and I know that I have a feminine and “sexy” physique. That’s the physical part. I am funny and loyal, sarcastic and determined, driven and traditional, and not willing to settle with thinking that living my life alone; without a partner to share it with, is my destiny. So, please don’t ever tell me to “Go spend some time alone, figuring out who you are and what you want.” I’ve done that.

Just because I am alone does not mean I am lonely. I am not sad because I have no friends or company; in fact I have some of the most amazing friends a person could ask for. I am not without companions. Just because a person lives their life alone doesn’t auto-equate through some magic formula that they are lonely. To truly allow yourself to get to know yourself, you have to go through the lonely phase. You do have to both be alone and learn about the good and bads within you in order to make for a better version of you. I have done that, and I am very happy with where this life has taken me.

However, with all of that said, to me life doesn’t feel natural to live alone. Maybe it is because I watched my parents together for almost 40 years. They shared smiles and bickering, children and retirement, sickness and health, until death did they part. That is how I was raised; the environment of family and Dad at the head of the table but everyone knowing it was always mom who got the veto power; Dad only putting his giant foot down when absolutely needed. There wasn’t a struggle of who was in the lead. Everyone just knew they loved and respected each other more than anything else in this world. Dad would bring mom flowers and mom would get him semi-season baseball tickets. They would make fun of each other and pick on each other. Dad would leave mom little love notes on the coffee maker and mom would roll her eyes even though we all know she loved it. They each had individual hobbies and interests they did alone and apart, they drove each other crazy but they loved completely. Who wouldn’t want that?

It takes a very strong and reflective person to acknowledge their past relationship mistakes and to be able to pinpoint exactly what their part in what went wrong was and how not to do that again in the future. The way you get to that point is not to stay in the lonely. The lonely is a necessary evil that sucks and feels like will never end. The alone is the reward at the end of that. Being able to live your life alone for you is something on a completely different level. When you are comfortable with yourself and know yourself well enough to be able to do anything that you would do in a couple setting, alone - that’s the moment you know you are ready to share your life with someone else.

So, no. I do not need to spend any more time “alone, figuring out who I am.” I also don’t NEED to run out and settle with someone because I NEED to find a life partner. What I need, is to continue loving my life and my adventures. Loving my family and friends and experience this life with the hope I’ll have someone loving to share it with.

That is the same thing each and every one of you should do, alone or not. Find what makes you happy and dig your nails in and don’t let go. Find your groove. Find out how to answer, “What is your favorite thing to do with your free time,” or “Where is your favorite restaurant?” Don’t be afraid to fall in love and get hurt. Don’t be afraid to stand back up, dust yourself off and continue over that speed bump. Don’t settle with a lonely life because that one person broke your heart. Guess what... those heal; if you let them. You can and should trust again. Fall in love with yourself. Don’t settle with the wrong person because you are lonely, take the time to find the right one once you have learned who you are and what you are and are not ok with. Take this life you have been given and suck the marrow out of its bone, living it to its fullest not just once in a while on a whim. Every day.

Real Love

From conscious-transitions.com:

Real Love Versus Infatuation
By: Sheryl Paul

If you’ve grown up in Western culture, you’ve been inundated from the time you were born with images and beliefs about love. Most, if not all, of these images are predicated on the archaic paradigm of Romantic Love. Romantic love is not real love. Romantic love is, most simply put, infatuation. It’s based on the model of longing for someone that you can never completely have, and it’s this longing that then becomes mistaken for real love. Being in a state of longing is a dramatic and fully alive experience. It creates butterflies in your belly and light-headedness in your mind. If not understood properly, the one in the longing position can easily believe that she or he is “in love.”
If the object of the longing, often called “the beloved”, does reciprocate, “the lover” often runs the other way. And so begins an all-too familiar game of chase with each participant alternating between the pursuer or distancer roles. The game is emotionally intense but ultimately unsatisfying. The bottom line is that real intimacy never occurs. It’s dramatic but safe. It’s temporarily painful but there’s no long-term risk involved. And it certainly isn’t a healthy model on which to base a marriage!
Real love, on the other hand, requires that both people show up for each other in the same place at the same time. There is no game-playing, which creates more consistent stability in terms of the intensity of emotion; gone are the ecstatic highs and despairing lows that defined the unhealthy relationships of the past. As such, real love requires that both people risk their hearts to form a bond of true intimacy.
One of my clients recently asked me to define real love. I rattled off a list and later thought it might benefit others to write about it here. So here is my list of the beliefs, attributes, and precepts that define real love (with the caveat that I’m not sure that anyone understands love in its totality!):

1. Real love is a conscious choice that often employs the rational part of our brains. Some couples have a “free ride” in the early stages of their relationship where they experience the intense feelings characterized by romantic love, but not everyone. And these feelings certainly aren’t necessary for real love to emerge as the relationship grows, as evidenced by the success rate of arranged marriages in other parts of the world. It’s when the infatuation feelings diminish that the couple has to learn that love is a choice, not a feeling, as M. Scott Peck says in “The Road Less Traveled.”

2. Real love accepts that your partner is a fallible, imperfect human, just as you are. Unlike romantic life, which ascends the object of desire to the realm of a god, part of the jolt down to earth that many of clients experience during their engagement is the realization that their partner is not perfect – that he isn’t as smart or witty or fun or good-looking as she thought the person she would marry would be. The romantic bubble of marrying Prince Charming is burst. Most of my clients focus on one missing area – sometimes to the point of obsession – and it’s often an attribute that never bothered her before they were engaged. As time passes, the real fears are addressed, and love is redefined, the obsession mellows and she learns to accept and fully love her partner exactly as he is.

3. Real love ebbs and flows in terms of interest, ease, and feelings. In other words, in any healthy relationship there will be times when things effortlessly work, where the spark is alive and the couple is interested in one another and life. And there will be times of, for lack of a better word, boredom. Part of accepting real love is understanding that the boredom is normal and not a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship or that you don’t love your partner enough.

4. Real love is based on shared values and a solid friendship. You genuinely like each other (even though you might not like everything about your partner).

5. Real love is action. Real love asks that you give even when you don’t feel like giving (in a healthy way, not a codependent way). Real love is more concerned with how you can give to your partner than what you can get from him or her.

6. Real love is a spiritual practice in that your focus is not how you can change your partner to alleviate your anger, pain, or annoyance but how you can assume full responsibility for those feelings and find healthy and constructive ways to attend to them. When you change in positive ways, the relationship will positively change as well.

7. Real love is a lifelong practice. You’re not expected to know how to give and receive real love at the onset of marriage, but are expected to work at it so that over the course of your life together your capacity to love grows. See my article “Marriage is a Work-in-Progress” for more on this point.
So the next time you watch a romantic comedy and find yourself doubting if you love your wonderful, supportive, honest, loving partner enough, read over this list and see if your anxiety finds containment as you redefine what love really is.

Emotional Freedom

From psychcentral.com:

Finding Emotional Freedom After a Toxic Relationship
By: Sharon Martin, LCSW 

A toxic or codependent relationship can make you feel trapped, small, and deficient. It can feel like an anchor weighing you down, suffocating you.
People who grew up in dysfunctional families, with parents who lacked boundaries, abused drugs or alcohol, or suffered from mental illness, develop a set of coping skills that helped them deal with the chaos and dysfunction in their families. And although these coping skills helped us get through a lot of difficult childhood experiences, they can make it hard for us to manage our emotions and prioritize our needs.
In adulthood, we continue to suppress our feelings, get into relationships with needy or dysfunctional people, and spend so much time and energy focused on other people and their needs that we neglect ourselves. Our lives continue to be consumed with anxiety, efforts to please people who are never satisfied, and feelings of shame and self-blame.
In an effort to survive, many people “lose” themselves.

Freedom from emotional abuse and toxic relationships

Codependent, abusive, and toxic relationships are notoriously hard to break free from. Despite how harmful these types of relationships are, they feel familiar and they give us a sense of purpose and self-worth. And toxic people are very skilled at keeping us attached. Whenever we try to pull away, they heap on the blame, guilt, and abusive behaviors that destroy our self-esteem and keep us dependent.
Eventually, we learn that toxic people aren’t interested in changing. They’re too busy blaming and judging and making demands. So, it falls on us to figure out how to untangle our lives and emotions from dysfunctional people. For some people this can be accomplished with stronger boundaries, learning to detach, and limiting contact. For others, going “no contact” or ending the relationship is the only path to emotional freedom.
I don’t know what’s right for you or when you’ll be ready to make a change. As a therapist, I’ve worked with many, many people who have decided to end relationships with toxic people because of the damage these relationships were causing to their health, happiness, and other relationships. And, although I don’t know anyone who’s regretted their decision, we all have to get there in our own time.
Ending or limiting a relationship with a friend or family member is a big decision and involves loss – even if it was a terribly dysfunctional relationship. However, there is much to be gained. Distancing yourself from emotional abuse allows you to reclaim your emotional freedom and find a path back to yourself.

What is emotional freedom?

As you heal from emotional abuse, you’ll experience what I call emotional freedom — the freedom to be yourself and the ability to manage your own feelings rather than letting your feelings control you.
Let’s take a closer look at some of the components of emotional freedom.

Feelings

You stop absorbing other people’s feelings and have your own. You experience your feelings as separate from other people’s, so even if they are upset, you don’t have to be. As a result, your feelings start to make sense and be helpful.

You have a whole range of feelings – not just two or three. You’re no longer avoiding your feelings or afraid of them. You’re not relying on food, alcohol, drugs, overworking, and other distractions to numb your feelings. You allow yourself to feel them, you invite them in rather than pushing them away.

Guilt and shame don’t dominate your emotions. Because you’re rebuilding your self-esteem, you’re no longer willing to accept the blame for everything that goes wrong. You take responsibility for your actions, but you’re not going to be a scapegoat. And you’re breaking down shame by sharing your story with trustworthy people.

You’re no longer tethered to someone else’s feelings. Your feelings and life are your own. And you don’t need others to approve of or understand your choices.

You respond rather than react. In the past, your feelings felt out of control and you reacted to every little annoyance or criticism, but now you know how to tolerate and process your emotions so they can help you rather than get in your way.

Being yourself

You sense that you’re becoming your “real self”.

You feel connected to yourself. You know who you are – and you like yourself. You have a deeper understanding of why you do things, what you want, and what matters to you.

You no longer see yourself as broken or damaged. You’re no longer looking for someone else to “complete you” or show you that you’re lovable and worthy. You know that you’re worthy and feel it deep inside.

You give yourself permission to be happy.

You trust yourself.

You take better care of yourself. You prioritize self-care and don’t feel guilty about it.

You enjoy your own company.

Choices

You see choices that you never saw before. You’re no longer limited by other people’s expectations and demands. You can do what’s right for you and explore all the world has to offer.

Emotional Strength

You have the strength to say “no” and to tolerate criticism and conflict.

You feel emotionally strong and confident and feel capable of dealing with whatever happens.

Energy

Because you set limits and boundaries, you’re not drained by other people’s drama and negativity.

Your energy is renewed because you allow yourself to rest, play, and pursue creative outlets.

Relationships

Having healthy relationships starts to seem possible. You feel hopeful about connecting with emotionally healthy people.

You’re interested in connecting with others, but you don’t feel desperate or needy.

You take new relationships slowly.

You set boundaries and trust your instincts.

I hope this description of emotional freedom gives you a taste of what’s possible. What does emotional freedom look like for you? As you heal from emotional abuse and rediscover yourself, you may want to create your own definition of emotional freedom. And, as always, please remember that healing isn’t all-or-nothing. Some emotional freedom is certainly better than none! Be gentle and kind to yourself along the journey.

Powerlessness

Because I have been having quite a few fantasies and cravings recently, I realized this morning that I need to take my recovery back to basics. For me, that means powerlessness. From immersionrecovery.com:

What Is Powerlessness? Step One of the 12-Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

“We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.” That’s Step 1 of the 12-Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and as anyone who is active in the 12-Step community will tell you, admitting powerlessness is far from a sign of defeat.

Step One AA: The First Step Toward a Solution

We live in a society that tells us we should be able to figure out our problems and overcome challenges on our own; that if we can’t, we’re weak. Being open to trying something new requires a great deal of courage because it’s an admission that you don’t have all the answers.
Powerlessness is not meant to disempower. Although you may be powerless in the fact that you struggle with addiction and have no control over it, you are not powerless over the actions you can take because of that knowledge. By accepting the things you cannot change and understanding that it’s possible to change the things that are within your control, you open yourself up to options that can help you heal.
Letting go of the past, accepting your present and opening yourself up to a new way of living isn’t an easy thing to do, especially in the beginning. The 12-step road to recovery can appear pretty intimidating to someone who is just starting out, but solutions exist. You just don’t know them yet.
Powerlessness refers to a lack of control, and it helps you realize that there are things you can do to treat your addiction and create the life you want. Although you can’t change your addiction, you can learn how to live a sober life in recovery.

The Power of Powerlessness

You aren’t powerless when it comes to entering treatment or a recovery program. You aren’t powerless when it comes to choosing not to drink or use drugs. But you are, however, powerless when substances are in your body.
It’s so easy to blame other people for our problems, but recovery requires us to take personal responsibility, and that’s exactly what Alcoholics Anonymous teaches. It’s your responsibility to stay engaged in your recovery and work with your sponsor. It’s your responsibility to be open and willing to treatment and growth. And if you end up drinking or using once sober, you have to take responsibility for that too. You can’t blame it on powerlessness–that is, the complete inability to control your actions.
Acknowledging your powerlessness is liberating because it helps you realize the things you are powerless over so you can devote your energy to your actions–the things you can control. You may be powerless over addiction, but you aren’t powerless, period. Once you realize what you can and cannot change, you’re actually quite powerful.
Recovery is a journey that can seem intimidating if you’re just beginning, but in AA, you just have to take it one step at a time. Asking for help seems like such a simple concept, but admitting powerlessness is a humbling, courageous act. In recovery, we learn that it takes far more strength to surrender and admit powerlessness than it does to try to control addiction by ourselves.

Pride in myself

Today I went to a local Husqvarna dealer and purchased a brand new lawn tractor, push mower, and weed eater. I financed the tractor and got a 0% APR for 36 months. It was the best feeling that filled me with pride and gratitude. I maintain my own home, pay my own bills, therefore I am free to pay whatever I want when I want it. I don't need a man for that; in all actuality this is the first time I have ever been in a good enough financial position to do it. This financial position is all based on my own efforts. Tonight I feel pretty damn good knowing that if nothing else, I have made incredible progress in my life! 😊

True vs. toxic love

From yourtango.com:

   

The 5 Critical Differences Between TRUE Love And TOXIC Love
Higher Perspective Contributor

So important not to confuse them.

You might be in a toxic relationship and not even know it. Luckily, we've put together the major differences between true love and toxic love. Let's dig right in.

1. Support
In true love, the development of self is most important. Both parties should want the best for one another. In toxic love, the primary focus is on the relationship itself, sometimes obsessing over how the two people involved interface.

2. Freedom
In true love, there is comfort in separate interests. We can have our own friends and meaningful relationships outside of our romantic relationships. We can pursue interests and ideas without fear of reprimand. In toxic love, there is total involvement in one another's lives. One can't go anywhere without the other. This is codependency.

3. Individuality
In true love, there's no struggle in embracing the individuality of your partner. In toxic love, there is an obsession with trying to change your partner into someone you'd rather be with instead of loving them for who they are.

4. Intimacy and sex
In true love, intimacy is a free choice that grows from love and trust, caring and friendship. In toxic love, sex is something you feel pressured over due to fear, insecurity, and feeling as though you have to conform to the sexual desires of your partner.

5. Communication
In true love, every conversation is constructive, trying to understand and help, or convey affection to your partner. In toxic love, conversations are intended to blame, defend, or manipulate your partner.

This article was originally published at Higher Perspective. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Paying homage to a role model

Life is short. Everyone over the age of about 30 realizes this. Today I had to face this truth in the most unpleasant of ways: I received the news that my former therapist died suddenly this morning. He was a fantastic counselor and very wise during sessions. He provided me with great insight during treatment and I feel that perhaps he set the stage for my own work as a clinician. This man was in good health and took care of himself. He arrived home after a morning workout and stated that he didn't feel well. Not long after that, he collapsed on the floor. In honor of him, I wanted to post an article about living life to the fullest because you never know when your time is up. Rest in peace, A.

From tinybuddha.com:

30 Ways to Live Life to the Fullest
By: Lori Deschene

“Begin at once to live and count each separate day as a separate life.” ~Seneca

At times, it’s seemed as though life contains an endless supply of days.
I thought this for sure when I was younger. It didn’t matter how long I held a grudge or how long I waited to do something I wanted—there would be an unlimited pool of other opportunities. At least, that’s what I thought back then.
Maybe it’s a rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, the moment when you realize life happens now and that’s all you’re guaranteed. It doesn’t really hit you when you merely know it intellectually, like you know your ABCs, state capitals, and other concrete facts.
It hits you when somehow you feel it. Your health declines. You lose someone you love. A tragedy rocks your world. It isn’t until you realize that all life fades that you consider now a commodity, and a scarce one at that.
But maybe that’s irrelevant. Maybe living a meaningful, passionate life has nothing to do with its length and everything to do with its width.
With this in mind, I recently asked Tiny Buddha’s Facebook friends, “How do you live life to the fullest?” I was inspired by what they had to say, so I’ve used them to create this list:
1. Live in the moment. Forget the past and don’t concern yourself with the future. (Tanner Christensen)
2. Fully embrace the now, no matter what the situation. (Patrick Flynn)
3. Do the things you love. (Diego Felipe Villa Serna)
4. Learn to forgive and embrace unconditional love.(Ann Glasgow)
5. Live every day as if it’s your last, embracing each experience as if it’s your first. (Jennifer Fertado)
6. Believe in “live and let live.” (Satyendra Pandey)
7. Use quiet reflection, honesty, and laughter. (Erin Rogers Kronman)
8. Be other-centered. (Tricia Mc)
9. Find calm in making art. (Z.r. Hill)
10. Focus on today and how you can do your best to live it to the fullest. (Amelia Krump)
11. Participate in life instead of just watching it pass you by. (Lindsey Wonderson)
12. Stay healthy, eat right, and most importantly, be kind to all. (Tho Nguyen)
13. Forgive yourself, appreciate others, listen to your gut, do things you enjoy, and remind yourself that we are all loved and connected. (Sandra Lumb)
14. Don’t sweat the small stuff. (Allison Gillam)
15. Question everything, keep it simple, and help whenever and however you can. (Lynda Corrigan Sutherland)
16. Try to enjoy every minute of every day. (Maria Ahlin)
17. Appreciate life’s every second. (Anna-Karin Boyaciyan-Demirciyan)
18. Step through new doors. The majority of the time there’s something fantastic on the other side.(Terri Mindock)
19. Remember that all is a gift, but the most precious of all gifts is life and love. (Debbie Teeuwen)
20. Keep your spirit free, be flexible, let go. (Leslie Brown)
21. “Do one thing every day that scares you.” ~Baz Luhrmann (Adam Raffel)
22. Don’t attach to outcomes. (Wp Ho)
23. Spend as much time with a two year old as possible. (Jackie Freeman)
24. Enjoy each and every moment of life. Every day is a new challenge and opportunity to discover something new. (Chirag Tripathi)
25. Budget travel. It is always an adventure! You get to enjoy what fate has to offer with limited means.(Ruby Baltazar)
26. Be honestly thankful for every breath you take.(Jonathan Carey)
27. Just be. (Catherine Halvorsson)
28. “Trust yourself. Trust your own strengths.” ~Gandalf the grey (Jonathan David Evan Fulton)
29. Pause momentarily before everything you do so that you notice everything you should or could notice. (Scott Hutchinson)
30. Follow your hopes and not your fears. (Jody Bower)
What have you done today to live life to the fullest?