Beware the narcissist!

From PsychologyToday.com:



All You Need to Know About Narcissists and Their Partners
By: Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

Understand narcissism, its symptoms, and its causes.



Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water and died hungering for its response. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others.

It’s a common misconception that narcissists love themselves. They actually dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit–usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others. They’re too afraid to look at themselves, because they believe that the truth would be devastating.

Actually, they don’t have much of a "self" at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside and they hunger to be filled and validated by others. Sadly, they’re unable to appreciate the love they do get and alienate those who give it.

Diagnosis

All personality traits, including narcissism, range from mild to severe. Narcissism can be viewed on a continuum from mature to archaic. Mature individuals are able to idealize romantic partners, express their talents and skills, and accomplish their goals while employing only neurotic defenses; a middle group has unstable boundaries and employ borderline defenses, and those highly sensitive to wounding employ destructive, psychotic defenses and have unstable relationships (Solomon, 1989).

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), first categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association in 1987, occurs in 1 to 6.2 percent of the population; males exceed females at a ratio of 3:2 (Dhawan, 2010; McClean, 2007). Although nonprofessionals often label people with NPD who show a few narcissistic traits, clinical NPD ranges in severity from those with only the minimum required five diagnostic traits to narcissists who strongly manifest all nine symptoms. Here’s a summary of the Diagnostic Criteria in the DSM-5:

Someone with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (sometimes only in fantasy), need for admiration from others, and lack of empathy, beginning in childhood, as indicated by five of these characteristics:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents
Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
Requires excessive admiration
Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
Has arrogant behaviors or attitudes


In addition to the grandiose “Exhibitionist Narcissist” described above, James Masterson identifies a "Covert" or “Closet Narcissist,” which is someone with a deflated, inadequate self-perception, a sense of depression and inner emptiness. He or she may appear shy, humble or anxious, because his or her emotional investment is in the idealized other, which is indirectly gratifying (Masterson, 2004). “Malignant” narcissists are the most pernicious and hostile and they enact anti-social behavior. They can be cruel and vindictive when they feel threatened or don’t get what they want.

Early Beginnings

It’s hard to empathize with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested due to faulty, early parenting, usually by a mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. Some believe the cause lies in extreme closeness with an indulgent mother, while others attribute it to parental harshness or criticalness. This latter position stems from Otto Kernberg’s emphasis on parental anger, envy, and hate, or indifference that expresses veiled aggression (Ellis, 2009; Russell, 1985).

The two views converge on the underlying psychodynamics. An idealizing, indulgent mother may be unable to experience her child as a separate individual and provide sufficient empathy, mirroring, or opportunity for idealization. Although leniency can result in healthy narcissism, when psychological control is added, like guilt induction and withdrawal of love, a solid self doesn’t develop, because the child’s focus is to gain external approval. Rather than receiving support for an emerging autonomous self, the child learns that love and involvement is conditioned on conforming to parental needs and expectations (Horton, Bleau, & Drwecki, 2006).



Heinz Kohut observed this in his narcissistic clients who suffered from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning. Beneath a narcissistic façade, they lacked sufficient internal structures to maintain cohesiveness, stability, and a positive self-image to provide a stable identity (Russell, 1985). He believed the cause lay in the empathic failure between the caregiver and child.

He differed from Otto Kernberg, who thought the pathology began during the oral stage, claiming that it could even begin in latency. Narcissists are uncertain of the boundaries between themselves and others and vacillate between dissociated states of self-inflation and inferiority. The self divided by shame is made up of the superior-acting, grandiose self and the inferior, devalued self. When the devalued self is in the inferior position, shame manifests by idealizing others. When the individual is in a superior position, defending against shame, the grandiose self aligns with the inner critic and devalues others through projection. Both devaluation and idealization are commensurate with the severity of shame and the associated depression (Lancer, 2014).

Although most people fluctuate in these positions, the Exhibitionistic and Closet Narcissists are more or less static in their respective superior and inferior positions, irrespective of reality, making them pathological. Arrogance, denial, projection, envy, and rage are among the defenses to shame (Lancer, 2014).

Although more research is required, twin studies revealed a 64-percent correlation of narcissistic behaviors, suggesting a genetic component (Livesley, Jang, Jackson, & Vernon, 1993).



Relationships with Narcissists

It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in others. Enlivened by their energy, people gravitate towards them and are proud to bask in their glow.

The Narcissist

At home, narcissists are totally different than their public persona. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. After an initial romance, they expect appreciation of their specialness and specific responses through demands and criticism in order to manage their internal environment and protect against their high sensitivity to humiliation and shame. Relationships revolve around them, and they experience their mates as extensions of themselves.

Many narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing others do is right or appreciated. Their partners are expected to meet their endless needs when needed–for admiration, service, love, or purchases–and are dismissed when not. That their spouse is ill or in pain is inconsequential.

Narcissists don’t like to hear “no” and often expect others to know their needs without having to ask. They manipulate to get their way and punish or make partners feel guilty for turning them down. Trying to please the narcissist is thankless, like trying to fill a bottomless pit.


They can make their partners experience what it was like having had a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive. The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation.

The Narcissist’s Partner

Although their partners feel loved when the narcissist bestows caring words and gestures, is madly possessive, or buys expensive gifts, they doubt his or her sincerity and question whether it’s really manipulation, pretense, or a manufactured “as if” personality. They feel tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, false accusations, criticism, and unjustified indignation about small or imaginary slights. Their criticisms can escalate to narcissistic abuse.

These partners also lack boundaries and absorb whatever is said about them as truth. In vain attempts to win approval and stay connected, they sacrifice their needs and tread on eggshells, fearful of displeasing the narcissist. They daily risk blame and punishment, love being withheld, or a rupture in the relationship. They worry what their spouses will think or do, and become as pre-occupied with the narcissist as they are with themselves. Partners have to fit in to the narcissists’ cold world and get used to living with emotional abandonment.

Soon, they begin to doubt themselves and lose confidence and self-worth. Communicating their disappointment gets twisted and is met with defensive blame or further put-downs. The narcissist can dish it, but not take it. Nevertheless, they stay, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted them return, especially when the narcissist feels threatened that a break-up is imminent. When two narcissists get together, they fight over whose needs come first, blame, and push each other away, yet they are miserable and need each other.

Codependency

Despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. They share codependent core symptoms of denial, control, shame, dependency (unconscious), and dysfunctional communication and boundaries, all leading to intimacy problems. One study showed a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency (Irwin, 1995). Although more aggressive than passive, in my opinion, they are codependent.

Accommodating codependents and narcissists can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, because the latter’s attributes and aura of success boost the former's low self-esteem, which allows accommodators to tolerate emotional abuse. Typically, accommodators aren’t authoritative and prefer a nonassertive, subordinate role, because their own power and often anger are repressed, frightening, and shame-bound. They seek and hunger for missing parts of themselves and idealize new partners’ qualities, which they hope to absorb. This is why two accommodators rarely get together. They’re in awe of narcissists’ self-direction and “strength,” and live vicariously in the reflection of their success, power, protection, and charisma, while unaware of narcissists’ fragile personas and hidden shame (Lancer, 2014).

Accommodators attach to narcissists who appear bold and express their needs and anger, yet themselves feel needless and suffer guilt when they assert themselves. Caretaking and pleasing make codependents feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are–only for what they give or do (Lancer, 2014). Narcissists are also drawn to their opposite to support their pride and fill their emptiness–partners who are emotionally expressive and nurturing, qualities they lack. They need partners they can control who won’t challenge them and make them feel weak (Lancer, 2014).

Often in these relationships, narcissists are the distancers when more than sex is anticipated. Getting emotionally close means giving up power and control. The thought of being dependent is abhorrent. It not only limits their options and makes them feel weak, but also exposes them to rejection and feelings of shame, which they keep from consciousness at all costs. (Lancer, 2014) Their anxious partners pursue them, unconsciously replaying emotional abandonment from their past. Underneath they both feel unlovable.

My experience with a narcissist

Due in part to my love addiction, I entered into a serious relationship with a man 11 years ago who was a bonafide narcissist. I mean, complete textbook narcissist. (I also think he was a psychopath but that's a topic for another blog.)
The "relationship" that I had with him over the following almost 2 years was absolute hell. He was pure and unadulterated evil. It was one of the lowest periods of my life. I just happened to read an article today that sums up the relationship experience with a narcissist perfectly:

Jung’s Shadow and Narcissists
By: Katarina Valentini MA

How do narcissists bring out our dark side?

Even if you have never studied psychology, you have most probably heard of the two giants in the field of psychiatry and psychology, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. Personally, I prefer Jung because I love two concepts from his theory–the synchronicities and the concept of archetypes. Today, I will focus on the latter, on one archetype in particular, namely on the Shadow. While we are often ashamed of our Shadow side or are even unaware of it, we cannot but admit that we have it when we are in a relationship with a narcissist. So, what is the Shadow and how does it relate to narcissists?
Carl Jung defined the Shadow as something that personifies everything that we refuse to acknowledge and accept about ourselves. It is a hidden, repressed or suppressed part of our personality that we are consciously or unconsciously trying to deny and that we feel guilty about. Unfortunately, the Shadow always rears its ugly head, in spite of our best efforts. In particular, it manifests in our relationships with narcissists.
Relationships with narcissists are almost always wonderful at the beginning because narcissists will literally do whatever it takes to charm our socks off and get under our skin. They will be gallant, seductive, loving, attentive, delightful, witty, fun, showering us with affection. Sooner or later we will come to the conclusion that they are our Prince Charming personified. Unfortunately, the golden period in a relationship with a narcissist never lasts forever. Nor does it diminish gradually. Almost as a rule, it changes overnight from the golden period into the darkest period possible.

Why does it happen? For one very simple reason–we want to become more emotionally close and intimate with our narcissists, we start poking into their old wounds and want to help them, rescue them in a way. To them, we become too overbearing because they hate being analyzed and perceived as vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, they start withdrawing, paying less attention to us, ignoring our calls, refusing to open up, becoming more cold and distant. All of a sudden, our Prince Charming turns into a Dark Knight. This, of course, leaves us dumbfounded, baffled, insecure, rejected, unloved and profoundly sad. We want our narcissists back. We don’t want to be abandoned and are willing to do whatever it takes to have them return into our loving arms. We are desperate to save the relationship.
The problem, though, is that narcissists refuse to respond to our endeavors and consider our efforts as pathetic groveling. Hence, they become mean, evil, punishing and even more rejecting. The more we try, the more they make us feel like the laughing stock. What used to be an amorous relationship turns quickly into a power struggle. Since narcissists often act in an unscrupulous manner when trying to protect and defend themselves, we, too, start using everything at our disposal to fight back and become vengeful.

It is then that we enter the spiral of hate and despair, and the responses narcissists elicit from us are horrid. We say and do things we never thought possible. We engage in self-destructive and destructive behavior, and find ourselves wondering “What made me do that? This is not me.” No, this is not our true self, this is our Shadow, our dark side which only gets awaken when we are in a situation of life and death. Because in a destructive narcissistic relationship, we really are facing the question of survival, of how to maintain our mental sanity and emotional stability in tumultuous circumstances. Narcissists know exactly which buttons to push to upset us, to lure us back in, to make us feel special and the very next second worthless. They excel at making us jump through hoops, providing them with the narcissistic fuel, leaving us exhausted and empty.
But this game is physically and emotionally draining for us. One minute we are on cloud nine with them and the following one they slam us into the ground. The cycle repeats several times. It is only natural that we temporarily blow a fuse and react in the most inappropriate way. We then often feel shame, guilt, self-loathing, anger, anxiety, inferiority, and envy. Since we have always been taught to suppress the Shadow, we don’t know how to handle these reactions and emotions. Therefore, they control us and our behavior. However, all is not as negative as it might seem.
Human beings feel positive and negative emotions, we have a positive and a negative side of our personality, we just don’t particularly like to admit it. Because we are told that negative emotions are not to be expressed, as they are socially unacceptable, we sometimes ignore them so much that we repress them completely. It doesn’t make them go away though, they just start eating us up from the inside. Positive and negative emotions are two sides of the same coin. Hence, it is useless to pretend we don’t have a dark side. One of the silver linings in relationships with narcissists is that they make us aware of our Shadow, composed of undesired, negative thoughts and emotions. Once we are aware of something, we can recognize it, admit we have it, and learn how to express it in a positive, non-destructive manner. Once the Shadow no longer frightens and controls us, we can personally grow and develop, too.