2 years of peace and serenity!

Although I am a few days late with posting this, I still felt that it was extremely important to share my thoughts and feelings regarding my soberversary. On November 6, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety from my love and sex addiction. I am both astonished and beyond proud for not only honoring the commitment I made to myself to stop chasing love but amazed with how many other things I have unexpectedly gained in my recovery. I finally feel content and at peace with my life which is something that I can honestly say I have never experienced before. Instead of using every ounce of energy and resources I had to chase love, I am fully present in my life and able to enjoy quality time with my son and other friends and family, be productive at my job, and fully immerse myself in my grad school education. I am immersing myself so fully in fact that halfway through the program, I have a 4.0. Yet another blessing of recovery....
I have posted here before about SLAA and working the 12 Steps. Unfortunately I have not done that yet because I simply do not have the time. Right before I started school, I was able to find a sponsor (which is extremely hard to do in SLAA) because I planned to begin my step work but I drastically underestimated the work and focus that grad school would require. Obviously my recovery is the most important thing but I made a commitment to myself regarding getting my masters and I feel that honoring that commitment is part of my journey to loving myself. Because I am employed as a drug and alcohol counselor in a residential treatment facility, I have daily exposure to the 12 Steps and individual/group discussions regarding addiction, sobriety, recovery, and relapse. Although it's not the same as actually working the steps of my program, my job has helped me in my own recovery more than I could have ever imagined. I learn something new there everyday. I feel beyond grateful and blessed that I have my job, I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to do.
Also I have decided that I will not attempt to date again until I am done with my masters program in December 2021. I made that decision because I feel as if I have to continue learning to love myself before I can ever truly love another. However to that end, I am educating myself about relationship patterns that people have and why these patterns continue. Of course there are many factors but the one I am currently focused on is attachment style which was developed by John Bowlby several decades ago. I am currently reading a book entitled Attached, written by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Here is a blurb about the book pulled from the website AttachedTheBook.com:



In Attached, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving
Also central to the science of attachment is the discovery that our need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes; so, contrary to what many relationship experts today may tell us about the importance of remaining emotionally “self-sufficient”, attachment research shows us that our need to be close to our partner is essential. That, in fact, we can’t live without it.

In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate—or potential mate—follow, offering a road map, starting from the first date, for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.



I am looking forward to gaining additional knowledge of myself, 12 step programs of recovery, and relationships in the coming years. Thank God for my sobriety!!!

Acceptance

Well, hello there!!! 😊 It seems like it's been awhile since I posted and indeed it's been almost a month! I am doing extremely well in case you couldn't tell by my labels! I have continued to maintain my sobriety and grow in my recovery by taking one day at a time. I have been sober for 712 days and it's true what "they" say: not only does abstaining get easier with time, it also becomes more rewarding. I think something else that has enhanced my recovery is the fact that I now work in the addictions field. Although my job can be difficult and painful, it is also extremely rewarding and fulfilling.

In a few weeks, I will reach my 2 year sober mark for addiction to love and sex. I am particularly excited about my celibacy anniversary which sounds funny but makes sense if you know much about love addiction. When I started this blog, my hope and plan was that I would remain sober but no one can predict the future. I am so proud of myself for never giving up and taking my life back.

It is so wonderful to actually be present in my life rather than in a prison created by my addiction. Everything in my life has improved due to my commitment including: self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, relationship with my son, relationships with family and friends, physical health, mental health, work performance, school performance, finances, etc. The list is endless. 

I wanted to post my thoughts on acceptance because that is my newest goal. I am working to accept situations, people, and everything else just as they are. For so many years, I thought I could control different aspects of my life including people that I had relationships with. It has only been in the past 2 years that I have realized everything I thought I knew was wrong; I had to create the person I am because I did not have a sense of self or who I was during my active addiction. In working to accept others, I am also learning to accept myself which is a wonderful gift!

Many times I struggle with acceptance because quite honestly it's scary not knowing what will happen and being aware that you have no control over the outcome. However I am approaching it like I did with my addiction which is taking it one day at a time. I have also decided to adopt the Serenity Prayer to help me remember that it's all in God's hands and I need to give all the power and control to him. I know I have posted this before but I think it would be apropos to do it once again.

Serenity Prayer

By: Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

enjoying one moment at a time;

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next.

Amen.

2 years of being single--one of my best accomplishments!

Today is such a momentous occasion that I simply had to post! It's been 2 years today that I have been officially single and I can truly say that this is the happiest and most content I have ever been in my entire life. Gone is the self-pity and loathing; it has been replaced with the knowledge that one can never truly be in a healthy and loving relationship with another until they have that relationship with themselves. I have found peace and serenity in this truth.
This evening I was talking with a mentor who gave me hope and inspiration when she shared her story of finding love. There seems to be 3 things required: time, patience, and getting to the place where one can allow themselves to be truly loved, just as they are. It all makes such clear and perfect sense now! I need to continue working to love myself before I can ever hope to find my fairy tale. And like everything else in my life, I will see this journey through and persevere until the task is complete!

Grateful and blessed

I wanted to post an update like I said I would. My life is so great; I have exceeded my wildest expectations of what I wanted my life to look like!

I have maintained my sobriety from love and sex addiction successfully. Today marks 663 days of sobriety and to say I am proud of this accomplishment would be the understatement of the century. On September 23, it will be 2 years that I have been officially single and November will mark 2 years of celibacy, not dating, nor having any physical contact with men at all.

Another accomplishment I have achieved is being one year sober from alcohol. I don't really miss that at all. I recently started my second year of grad school and I am so proud of the fact that I am maintaining a 4.0 average. I have been working 50 hours a week at my job as well as working at my internship site. I have also been doing extremely well in managing my weight by following an intermittent fasting plan and of course exercising 5 days per week.

I feel gratitude, peace, happiness, serenity, and love everyday. For the first time in my life I can say that I am at peace with my life and myself. I am so incredibly blessed💓 and I am so grateful to God for giving me the tools I needed to change my life completely. 💓💓💓

21 months

I recently celebrated 21 months of sobriety from my love and sex addiction. I look forward to each monthly anniversary that I have because I know that moves me farther and farther away from the madness that was my life when I was in active addiction. Also, I have another milestone to share, one that I reached today: one year sober from alcohol. I am extremely proud of both of these milestones because I am finding a reservoir of strength that I never knew existed. One year ago, I had a particularly bad experience after becoming incredibly intoxicated and doing several things that went against my morals and values. It was the day after that I decided to abstain from alcohol as well.
In regards to my love and sex addiction, I was triggered earlier this week by an unexpected source. While I did not deviate from my goals and I was only moderately triggered, it was still a valuable experience in that I learned how insidious and sneaky this addiction can be. The weirdest part is that you would think that after 2 years of sobriety, a trigger wouldn't affect me at all but as anyone who knows anything about addiction can attest to, sadly it does not work that way. I was tested but I resisted and I feel that I emerged even stronger.
One last bit of insight that I wanted to share was that I recently had the opportunity to talk to a couple of other women about the fathers of their children and how horrific these men have treated both them and their kids. During this conversation, I came to a startling conclusion: even though I do not particularly care for my son's father, at least he has never abused nor put my son in extreme danger. I can trust that when my son is with him, he is being adequately cared for and he is loved. I feel extremely grateful for this.
~Love, gratitude, patience, and God! 💓~

Update

Instead of posting yet another article, I have decided to post an update on how I have been doing in recovery. I am still going strong with not dating, having sex, or engaging in intrigue with random men in search of the aforementioned things. In September, it will be 2 years since I have been officially single; that month being when my most recent qualifier so casually and cruelly dumped me over the phone. Honestly I can't believe that I, the one whose love addiction was so strong for over 20 years, has been alone and actually happy during this period of time. I am the most content and at peace now with my life than I have ever been. Of course I get lonely and I miss intimacy and human touch but overall I couldn't have made a better decision for both myself and my son. I have made a decision to hold off on dating again until I am finished with grad school which will be in December 2021.
I am currently working full time, going to my MSW classes, doing a 16 hour per week internship, maintaining my home, and spending time with my son. I barely have time to breathe let alone blog. I have posted an entry on this blog every single day for the past 610 days but I have decided to discontinue this. It takes time and energy for me to even post the articles that I do and while I find the content to be immensely fascinating and helpful, I didn't create this blog for that purpose.
With that being said, I will continue to post about my recovery journey and struggles that I continue to have regarding the daily battle against my addiction. But I have come this far and I will continue to persevere. I got this and for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I believe in myself. That is priceless. 💓

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

From PsychologyToday.com:




What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
By: Andrea Bonior Ph.D.

Now gaining more attention, RSD can pack an emotional wallop.


Most people are concerned with being liked at one point or another, and it's not an uncommon preoccupation of people who are in therapy. So many of us wish that we didn't care what others think, and yet, it's virtually impossible not to at least care a bit. (If we don't at all, that leads to problems of its own.) It's even evolutionary for us to worry about whether we belong; in cave-dweller days, we needed others in our tribe to help us survive. If we were on the verge of being ousted from our group, that could put us in physical danger–and so it behooved our species to develop physical and psychological reactions to rejection that were aversive enough that they'd keep us wanting to belong.  All this leads to the fact that for most of us, being rejected is a fundamentally distressing experience.

It can even be physically painful. Social rejection activates the same parts of the brain as does physical pain, and the experience of each have many similarities on a brain scan. That said, some of us are more hypersensitive to the possibility of rejection than others, and perceive that we are being rejected far more often than we actually are. In these cases lies the possibility of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It is a new label that is only now starting to be researched in depth. Individuals who have this condition respond extremely negatively to the perception of being rejected: it goes far beyond the run-of-the-mill discomfort that most of us experience. People with RSD have such a strong emotional reaction to negative judgments, exclusion, or criticism from others that it sends them into a mental tailspin, leading to rumination and the pit-of-the-stomach malaise that won't let them move forward with their day. They feel like failures, disproportionate to what has actually occurred. They may feel rage and want to lash out. They often exaggerate how people are against them or how much people dislike them, or they carry long-term shame. Or they may overcompensate and bend over backwards in a desperate attempt to keep themselves in others' good graces. Other people may see those with RSD as overly perfectionistic, over-sensitive, or overly reactive to even the mildest types of criticism.

Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Real?
One question I field quite often as a clinical psychologist in practice, an Abnormal Psychology professor, and a mental health advice columnist, is whether Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is "real." It is most certainly real as in it is a cluster of symptoms that exists, and can cause great impairment and distress. It is not as of yet, however, an official disorder listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Disorders (DSM-5.) So it is not a condition with its own official code label, but instead is a constellation of symptoms that is often (though not always) associated with other conditions. It is possible that it will be included as an official diagnosis in a future version of the DSM-5, but its absence in the meantime should not be taken as evidence that it is not legitimate, even if it lacks standalone status as an official DSM condition.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria vs Social Anxiety
Social Anxiety Disorder, which is an official disorder within the DSM-5, is one of the most prevalent psychological disorders in the U.S. At its core, it involves preoccupation or distress related to the fear and worry of being judged negatively by others. Some people with Social Anxiety disorder (formerly referred to as Social Phobia) experience it in any type of social interaction, from chatting in an elevator to small talk at a party. Their distress is significant enough that they tend to avoid the interactions or be absolutely miserable when they push themselves (or are otherwise forced) to endure them. (Some people with Social Anxiety Disorder may turn to substances in order to make the experiences less uncomfortable.) Other people with Social Anxiety Disorder have a subtype of the disorder that involves only performance situations, meaning that it is not everyday social interactions that cause them significant distress or impairment, but rather situations where they are on display. Public speaking, music performances, and athletic performances are most common. Even the most talented of athletes or musicians can experience this debilitating anxiety or stage-fright, which by definition gets in the way of their functioning.


Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria naturally has some overlap with Social Anxiety Disorder, and the two constellations of symptoms may occur in the same person and even contribute to each other. That said, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria does have some distinctions from Social Anxiety Disorder. People with Social Anxiety Disorder may feel worst around people they are not yet comfortable with, becoming preoccupied with potential embarrassment when among strangers, for instance. Someone with RSD, however, does not necessarily feel any less distress around those who are closest to them when it comes to feeling rejected, their main concern. In fact, feeling rejected by a loved one will likely hurt even more. Moreover, someone with RSD may not be as anxious before an interaction (like someone with Social Anxiety Disorder will be), but instead will have an outsized and extreme reaction afterward if they felt it went badly. Shame, guilt, sadness or even rage about what they perceive as a rejection, rather than the preemptive, debilitating nervousness that comes in advance of interaction (more common with Social Anxiety Disorder), is what's key in Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD
A lot of the attention that RSD has recently gotten has stemmed from more awareness of it within the community of people who have ADHD. And it is true that having ADHD does appear to significantly raise your risk of RSD. It is not entirely clear why this is, but one potential explanation is that the central nervous system tends to be triggered in different ways in those with ADHD. Furthermore, people with ADHD may sometimes have behaviors that put them outside of the typical social norms, like the child who gets the cold shoulder from his or her friends because he or she tends to interrupt, or the adult who keeps veering off track at a staff meeting. So this, ironically, could further create situations where those with ADHD sense signals that they are being seen as "other," creating a vicious cycle.

Moreover, the tendency toward impulsivity that typically accompanies ADHD can make someone interact in ways that sabotage the interaction further. Due to their extreme upset with what they believe is rejection, they may quit a game, say something rejecting to the other person, or remove themselves abruptly from a situation without explanation. If they had taken more time before responding, they may have mitigated the damage, but not reacting immediately to strong emotional upset can be quite difficult, especially for someone with underlying impulsivity issues.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Relationships
As you may expect, RSD can have a significant impact on relationships-- or even the seeking of them. Dating can be especially hard for someone with RSD, as they are hyperfocused on any perceived slight whatsoever (Why did it take so long for them to text back?) and they may assume they are being rejected when that is far from the case. They may that ruminate on what they said or did "wrong," or isolate themselves to the point of self-sabotaging and actually driving the other person away due to seemingly not being interested themselves.

Within relationships, people with RSD can have different ways of manifesting their underlying discomfort and fear, and sometimes gender roles can make a difference. A person may continually second-guess their own actions, wanting frequent reassurance from their partner that everything is "okay" within the relationship. They may grow timid and afraid of sharing their real feelings because of the fear that those feelings won't be deemed acceptable. They may escalate conflicts with anger that feels out of proportion to the situation. Surprisingly, some controlling partners may be reacting out of underlying Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, as their anxiety makes them want to keep their partner on a tighter and tighter leash because they are terrified that their partner will leave them otherwise. (Make no mistake, controlling behavior can be dangerous and needs to be taken seriously in its own right. Signs of that are here.)

Do I Have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Since it is not a mental health condition in the DSM-5, there are not a set of empirically-quantifiable criteria to determine whether you "officially" meet a diagnosis for RSD. But you may have a strong suspicion if you recognize yourself in several of the characteristics below:

high sensitivity about the possibility of rejection
overly high standards for yourself
feeling easily triggered toward guilt or shame
isolating yourself in a preemptive strike not to be rejected
aggressive or rageful behavior toward those who have been perceived to have slighted you
frequently feeling an uncomfortable physical reaction due to "not fitting in" or being misunderstood
self-esteem that is entirely dependent on what others think, and rises and falls accordingly
frequent and intense ruminating after an interaction about how you did or said something wrong


Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Causes
Like most mental health conditions, there are many different paths that can lead to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria; no two people are exactly alike in what brought about their conditions, even when their symptoms are similar. Because RSD involves an overreaction of the HPA axis, then the possibility remains that some people may be more genetically predisposed to it than others. But genetics alone do not singlehandedly cause RSD. Social and psychological triggers in the environment can contribute to its development, like growing up with overly perfectionistic standards, experiencing an extremely upsetting rejection at a young age, being made to feel overly guilty or ashamed for normal behavior, or having had a disrupted or dysfunctional attachment with your parents or caregivers. Trauma, abuse, and neglect can also overly sensitize someone to the possibility of rejection.


Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Treatment
The best treatment option for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria depends on the intensity of your symptoms, and the overlap with other disorders. Due to the physiological nature of the reaction for some sufferers, it is possible that medication will be necessary, and indeed certain medications that can calm the physiological reaction-- like some originally intended to treat high blood pressure--  have shown promise for those with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Furthermore, certain antidepressants could be helpful if you have co-occurring depression or additional kinds of anxiety. If ADHD is clinically significant for you, then medication for that may be indicated as well.

Psychotherapies will work best that focus on improving your understanding of your emotional reactions at the moment and learning better paths toward responding to those emotions. It will also be beneficial to learn to challenge the accuracy of some of the automatic, dysfunctional thoughts that make you believe you have been rejected, learning to label them as invalid and let them pass. Overall coping mechanisms that will help increase resilience through uncomfortable feelings will also be helpful. Targeted types of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy do just that.

In short, there is certainly promise in treating these symptoms, and the first step is awareness.

Perfectionism

From verywellmind.com:




Perfectionist Traits: Do These Sound Familiar?
By: Elizabeth Scott, MS

Are Too-High Expectations Wrecking Your Inner Peace?


If you’re wondering whether or not you’re a perfectionist, there’s a good chance you are one, at least to a degree. And if we're being honest here, there's also a good chance you have some investment in the identity of being a perfectionist because of the positive connotations of the word "perfect"--who doesn't want to be perfect instead of just fine? (Perfectionists, that's who!) It's important to educate yourself about just what constitutes perfectionism and why it's seen as a really bad thing, so you can decide how much you want to work at shrugging off these traits, and know how to do this.



The problem with perfectionism--and the reason you'll want to know if you possess any perfectionistic traits and what to do about it--is that perfectionists actually tend to achieve less and stress more than regular high achievers. That means that being a perfectionist makes it more challenging to meet the goal of being perfect, or even of reaching a personal best. Perfectionists are a lot like high achievers, but with some key differences, and these differences are important, as perfectionists tend to experience more stress! The following are ten telltale traits of perfectionists, that you may be able to spot in yourself or in the people you know. Do any of these sound familiar?


All-Or-Nothing Thinking
Perfectionists, like high achievers, tend to set high goals and work hard toward them. However, a high achiever can be satisfied with doing a great job and achieving excellence (or something close), even if their very high goals aren’t completely met. Perfectionists will accept nothing less than, well, perfection. ‘Almost perfect’ is seen as failure.


Critical Eye
Perfectionists are far more critical of themselves and of others than are high achievers. While high achievers take pride in their accomplishments and tend to be supportive of others, perfectionists tend to spot tiny mistakes and imperfections in their work and in themselves, as well as in others and their work. They hone in on these imperfections and have trouble seeing anything else, and they’re more judgmental and hard on themselves and on others when ‘failure’ does occur.


“Push” vs “Pull”
High achievers tend to be pulled toward their goals by a desire to achieve them, and are happy with any steps made in the right direction. Perfectionists, on the other hand, tend to be pushed toward their goals by a fear of not reaching them and see anything less than a perfectly met goal as a failure.


Unrealistic Standards
Unfortunately, a perfectionist’s goals aren’t always even reasonable. While high achievers can set their goals high, perhaps enjoying the fun of going a little further once goals are reached, perfectionists often set their initial goals out of reach. Because of this, high achievers tend to be not only happier but more successful than perfectionists in the pursuit of their goals.

Focus on Results
High achievers can enjoy the process of chasing a goal as much or more than the actual reaching of the goal itself. Conversely, perfectionists see the goal and nothing else. They’re so concerned about meeting the goal and avoiding the dreaded failure that they can’t enjoy the process of growing and striving.

Depressed by Unmet Goals
Perfectionists are much less happy and easygoing than high achievers. While high achievers are able to bounce back fairly easily from disappointment, perfectionists tend to beat themselves up much more and wallow in negative feelings when their high expectations go unmet. This leads to…

Fear of Failure
Perfectionists are also much more afraid to fail than are high achievers. Because they place so much stock in results and become so disappointed by anything less than perfection, failure becomes a very scary prospect. And, since anything less than perfection is seen as ‘failure’, this can lead to…

Procrastination
It seems paradoxical that perfectionists would be prone to procrastination, as that trait can be detrimental to productivity, but perfectionism and procrastination do tend to go hand in hand. This is because, fearing failure as they do, perfectionists will sometimes worry so much about doing something imperfectly that they become immobilized and fail to do anything at all! This leads to more feelings of failure, and a vicious cycle is thus perpetuated.

Defensiveness
Because a less-than-perfect performance is so painful and scary to perfectionists, they tend to take constructive criticism defensively, while high achievers can see criticism as valuable information to help their future performance.

Low Self Esteem
High achievers tend to have equally high esteem; not so with perfectionists. They tend to be very self-critical and unhappy, and suffer from low self-esteem. They can also be lonely or isolated as their critical nature and rigidity can push others away as well. This can lead to lower self-esteem.

If you see some of these perfectionist traits in yourself, don’t despair. Recognizing that a change may be needed is a very important first step toward creating a more easygoing nature and achieving the inner peace and real success that comes from overcoming perfectionism and being able to say that ‘almost perfect’ is still a job very well done!

Tips for having a lasting and meaningful romantic relationship

From ILoveMyLSI.com:


15 SMART WAYS TO PACE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP


Relationships that move along at a steady pace often outlast any whirlwind romance. If you want to be more certain about where you stand before you commit your time and emotions, these are some steps you can take by yourself and as a couple.

Steps to Take by Yourself

Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s easier to show restraint when you develop realistic expectations for any relationship. You create your own success in life. It’s good to have a partner, but you’re still whole all on your own.

Develop a stable sense of self-esteem. Believing in your own value provides an effective guide to what’s acceptable in your interactions with others. You can be generous and forgiving from a position of confidence rather than neediness.

Know your own priorities. There’s still some social pressure to get married. Give yourself credit if you’re a responsible member of the community who functions better in a different arrangement.

Question Hollywood stereotypes. Movies and romance novels are filled with couples who fall in love at first sight and get married about a week later. It’s important to separate fact from fiction.

Monitor your time. Be honest with yourself about how much time you and your new partner really spend together. It’s often one of the best indications about how seriously they regard the relationship.

Focus on character. Above all, concentrate on learning about your potential partner’s character. Anyone can take dance lessons, but integrity will be more difficult to develop if it’s not already in place.


Steps to Take as a Couple
Talk openly. Summon up the courage to discuss sensitive issues. If things progress, it’s important for learn about each other’s childhoods, finances, and views on marriage and children.

Be respectful. Be sensitive when sharing personal information. Appreciate your partner’s honesty even when their views are different from your own.

Share a variety of experiences. Get to know each other in different settings. You may see a whole other side when someone gets out of the office and onto a softball field.

Take on new challenges. Sharing activities together will teach you more than staring at the same TV screen. Sign up for a philosophy class together or go kayaking.

Make friends with other couples. Spending time with other couples will also give you insights into each other. In addition, you may find role models you want to emulate.

Hang out with each other’s friends. Your friends may spot issues you fail to see if you are infatuated.

Make your own decisions, but consider feedback from those who know and love you.

Meet each other’s families. Families have a tremendous influence on most of our lives. Observe how people talk about their parents and whether they keep in touch with their siblings. It may reveal patterns that will repeat themselves if you start your own family together.

Trust in increments. Trust is a gradual process. If someone shows up on time for every coffee date, you can feel more secure asking them to feed your dog while you’re away for a week.

Set limits. You may both have certain requirements in mind for any long term relationship. If certain requirements are a “must” for you, determine sooner rather than later if your new partner fits the bill.

You can be romantic and sensible at the same time. Taking care of your own welfare and being respectful and considerate towards others protects you from getting swept off your feet and puts your relationships on more solid ground.

Healthy boundaries

From MindBodyGreen.com:



6 Types Of Boundaries You Deserve To Have (And How To Maintain Them)
By: Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT


Many people have the wrong idea about boundaries. They believe that they already have good boundaries when in reality they have brick walls, or they believe that boundaries are "unkind."

Healthy boundaries are the ultimate guide to successful relationships. Without healthy boundaries, relationships do not thrive—they result in feelings of resentment, disappointment, or violation. These feelings, unchecked, can lead to being cut off from others or enmeshment, where there's no clear division between you and others' needs and feelings. Neither of these situations is ideal.

Because so few of us understand what boundaries actually are, we rarely see evidence of them working. But when they do, you feel it—it does wonders for your mental and relational health.

What healthy boundaries look like.

Boundaries are what happen when you can sense yourself and what you need and want and access your voice to speak to those things. We all have "limits," and we all experience violations of our limits.

Most of the time, people are not trying to violate your limits—they just aren't aware of what they are. Sometimes, this is because we are not clear with ourselves or other people about what we want or need.

Here are six boundaries you deserve to have and what they might look like in practice:

1. Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries include your needs for personal space, your comfort with touch, and your physical needs like needing to rest, eat food, and drink water.

It is OK to let people know that you don't want to be touched or that you need more space. It is also OK to say that you are hungry or that you need to rest.

Healthy physical boundaries might sound like:

"I am really tired. I need to sit down now."
"I am not a big hugger. I am a handshake person."
"I need to eat. I am going to go grab something."
"I am allergic to [insert here], so we can't have that in our home."
"No. I don't want you to touch me like that."
"Don't go into my room without asking first."
Physical boundary violations feel like receiving inappropriate or unwanted touch, being denied your physical needs (told to keep walking when you are tired or that you need to wait to eat or drink), or having someone come into your personal space in a way that is uncomfortable (entering your room without permission, for example). This can vary on a spectrum from mild to severe. The most severe violations result in serious physical abuse or neglect.

2. Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries are all about respecting and honoring feelings and energy. Setting emotional boundaries means recognizing how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, knowing when to share and when not to share, and limiting emotional sharing with people who respond poorly. Respecting emotional boundaries means validating the feelings of others and making sure you respect their ability to take in emotional information.

It might sound like:

"When I share my feelings with you and get criticized, it makes me totally shut down. I can only share with you if you are able to respond respectfully to me."
"I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. Right now, I am not in a place to take in all of this information. Do you think we can come back to this conversation later?"
"I am having a hard time and really need to talk. Are you in a place to listen right now?"
"I really can't talk about that right now. It isn't the right time."

Emotional boundary violations include:

Dismissing and criticizing feelings
Asking questions that are not appropriate for the relationship
Reading or going through personal and emotional information
Asking people to justify their feelings
Assuming we know how other people feel
Telling other people how they feel
"Emotionally dumping" on people without their permission
Sharing inappropriate emotional information with your children


3. Time boundaries
Your time is valuable, and it is important to protect how it is utilized. Setting time boundaries is incredibly important at work, home, and socially. Setting time boundaries means understanding your priorities and setting aside enough time for the many areas of your life without overcommitting. When you understand your priorities, it is much easier to limit the amount of time you are giving to other people.

Healthy time boundaries might sound like:

"I can't come to that event this weekend."
"I can only stay for an hour."
"Do you have time to chat today?"
"I would love to help, but I would be overcommitting myself. Is there another time?"
"We have family time on Sundays, so we won't make it."
"I am happy to help with that. My hourly rate is…"

Violated time boundaries looks like asking professionals for their time without paying them, demanding time from people, keeping people in conversations or on tasks for longer than we told them we would, showing up late or canceling on people because we overcommitted, and contacting people when they said they would be unavailable.

4. Sexual boundaries
Healthy sexual boundaries include consent, agreement, respect, understanding of preferences and desires, and privacy.

Healthy sexual boundaries include:

Asking for consent
Discussing and asking for what pleases you
Requesting condom use if you want it
Discussing contraception
Saying no to things that you do not like or that hurt you
Protecting the privacy of the other person
This might sound like:

"Do you want to have sex now?"
"Is this comfortable for you?"
"Tell me what you like."
"Tell me what you don't like."
"I don't like that. Let's try something different."
"I don't want to have sex tonight. Can we cuddle instead?"
"I am really into [insert desire here]. Is that something you would feel comfortable with?"

Sexual boundary violations include:

Sulking, punishing, or getting angry if someone does not want to have sex
Not asking for consent
Pressure to engage in unwanted sexual acts
Unwanted sexual comments
Leering
Lying about contraceptive use
Lying about your health history
Criticizing the other person's sexual preferences
Unwanted touch, assault, or rape

5. Intellectual boundaries
Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts, ideas, and curiosity. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of other people, and they can be violated when your thoughts and curiosity are shut down, dismissed, or belittled. Respectfulness and willingness to dialogue and understand are important here.

Healthy intellectual boundaries also mean considering whether or not it is a good time to talk about something.

They might sound like:

"I know we disagree, but I won't let you belittle me like that."
"I would love to talk about this more, but I don't think talking about it during Thanksgiving dinner is the best time."
"When we talk about this, we don't get very far. I think it is a good idea to avoid the conversation right now."
"I can respect that we have different opinions on this."
Does this mean that you need to be accepting of all thoughts and opinions? Absolutely not. It is also important to learn to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy discourse. If someone is sharing an opinion that is inherently harmful—i.e., racism, sexism, xenophobia, homophobia, etc.—then you have every right to put a hard line in the sand. You can set the boundary in your own way. It might sound like letting the person know you do not tolerate that kind of talk, distancing yourself from them, or cutting off. You do not have to have "intellectual" discourse with someone who is violating you or other people.

6. Material boundaries
Material boundaries refer to items and possessions like your home, car, clothing, jewelry, furniture, money, etc. It is healthy to understand what you can and cannot share and how you expect your items and materials to be treated by the people you share them with.

Having limits on how your material items are treated is healthy and prevents resentment over time.

This might sound like:

"I can't lend out my car. I am the only person on the insurance."
"We can't give any more money. We would be happy to help in another way."
"Sure! I am happy to share my dress with you. Just a heads-up, I do need it back by Friday."
Material boundaries are violated when your things are destroyed or stolen or when they are "borrowed" too frequently. Another material violation is the use of materials (money and possessions) to manipulate and control relationships.

The more we set boundaries, the more we recognize them. In setting boundaries, we help people show up for us, and we also become better at showing up for them.

In the words of Brené Brown, "Clear is kind."

The Slow Road to Love

What an inspiring article:


Should We All Take the Slow Road to Love?
Millennials are going on fewer dates, having less sex and marrying later. Do they know something about love that the rest of us don’t?
By: Tara Parker-Pope


Is the secret to lasting love to take it slow? As in really, really slow?

The millennial generation is putting that theory to the test, opting for what the biological anthropologist Helen Fisher calls “slow love.” Studies show that millennials are dating less, having less sex and marrying much later than any generation before them, and a younger generation appears to be following in their footsteps.

These changes have prompted hand-wringing among some experts who speculate that hookup culture, anxiety, screen time, social media and helicopter parents have left us with a generation incapable of intimacy and commitment. (The Atlantic recently declared we are in the midst of a “sex recession.”)

But Dr. Fisher takes a more generous view, and suggests that we could all learn a thing or two from millennials about the benefits of slow love. It’s not that millennials are wrecking marriage, she says. It may be that they value it more.

“It seems everyone is swept up in a very myopic understanding of sex, love and romance,” said Dr. Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. “I would like people to understand that while millennials are not marrying yet, and they are not having as much sex as my generation, the reasons for this are good.”

The millennial cohort is roughly defined as those who were born in the 1980s to the early 2000s — although there is some debate about the boundaries. Millennials, due in part to their digital savvy, already are credited with significant changes in how we live, work and interact.

But what is particularly striking is how quickly the cohort has rewritten the rules for courtship, sex and marriage. In 2018, the median age of first marriage was approaching 30 (29.8 for men and 27.8 for women). That’s more than a five-year delay in marriage compared to 1980, when the median age was 24.7 for men and 22 for women.

A 2017 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that many younger millennials in their early 20s aren’t having sex, and are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive than the previous generation. Another study found that American couples ages 25 to 34 spend an average of six and a half years together before marrying, compared with an average of five years for all other age groups.

Critics say digital saturation has made millennials more socially isolated, restless and entitled, which could explain why they are having less sex than earlier generations. And when millennials do have sex, it’s often viewed as less meaningful because they engage in “hookups” or sexual relationships described as “friends with benefits.”

Dr. Fisher, author of “Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray,” has devoted her career to studying love and relationships. Most recently she has collected data on more than 30,000 people related to current courtship and marriage trends. Dr. Fisher believes that instead of criticizing and judging millennials, perhaps we should be paying more attention. It’s possible, she said, that today’s singles are carving a more successful path to lasting love than previous generations.

“We can all learn from people who don’t want to waste a lot of time doing things that are going nowhere,” said Dr. Fisher, the co-author of a chapter on “slow love” in the 2018 anthology “The New Psychology of Love,” published by Cambridge University Press.

She notes that people who date three years or more before marrying are 39 percent less likely to divorce than people who rush into marriage. “This is a real extended period of the pre-commitment stage,” said Dr. Fisher. “With slow love, maybe by the time people walk down the aisle they know who they’ve got, and they think they can keep who they’ve got.”

Ask millennials and they will tell you that there is nothing casual about their approach to sex, dating and romance.

“Hooking up with someone doesn’t mean that millennials now don’t value marriage,” says Anne Kat Alexander, who at 23 is in the second wave of the millennial generation. “If anything, they value marriage more because they are putting a lot more forward thinking into that decision.”

Dr. Fisher says her research suggests today’s singles seek to learn as much as possible about a potential partner before they spend time, energy and money on courtship. As a result, the path to romance has changed significantly. Whereas a “first date” used to represent the getting-to-know-you phase of a courtship, now going on an official date with someone comes later in the relationship.

And for some singles, sex has become the getting-to-know you phase of courtship. In a study conducted for Match.com, Dr. Fisher found that among a representative sample, 34 percent of singles had sex with somebody before the first date. She calls it “the sex interview.”

“In my day you went out on a first date with someone you didn’t know very well, and you went to dinner or mini golf,” she said. “The first date has changed — it’s time consuming and expensive. Now they have a sex interview with a person to see if they want to invest in a first date.”

Ms. Alexander, who lives in Princeton and identifies as bisexual, said she and her partner want to finish their education, start their careers and be on solid financial footing before marriage.“To be successful in a marriage you have to be compatible in a lot of different ways,” she says. “Sex is one for those vectors of compatibility where I feel like millennials want to make sure they’re also compatible.”

For millennials, financial issues also loom large in their decisions about relationships. They talk about the burden of student debt, and their desire to find meaningful work in an increasingly impersonal job market. Many say their lives were deeply affected by the 2008 financial crisis as they watched their parents lose businesses, struggle with debt and even go through divorces.

“When I first met my fiancé, I asked, ‘What’s your credit score?’ ” said Lucy Murray, 24. “In the long run, if we’re talking about marriage, buying a place together, having joint bank accounts and putting cars in each others’ names, those are big financial decisions that will be linked permanently for both of us. That’s why I ask right away.”

Financial issues continue to influence the couple’s relationship. They recently moved to Syracuse from New York City because housing prices are lower. They also canceled wedding plans, and may eventually elope. “Weddings are expensive,” said Ms. Murray.

The trends set by the millennials appear to be continuing into the next generation, often called Generation Z. “It’s the first generation to spend their entire adolescence in the age of the smartphone,” said Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University and author of the book “iGen,” which describes young people today as less rebellious, but also less happy and unprepared for adulthood. “They spend less time with each other face-to-face, which may be connected with why they are less likely to have sex with each other.”

But Dr. Fisher believes today’s singles are setting a good example for future generations by having a more thoughtful view of marriage and commitment. “Love is fickle,” said Dr. Fisher. “The more stability you can bring to this, the more likely you are going to find something that really works and works long term.”

Having a second chance

From NYTimes.com:



On the Second Try, Both Found a Partner in Business and for Life
“A slow love was happening without either of us knowing it.”

Abby Mouzakitis-Fazio and John Fazio, who have been married 28 years, own the New London Pharmacy in Manhattan.
By: Alix Strauss

Because marriage is an ever-evolving experience, we constantly shift, change and, in some cases, start over. In It’s No Secret, couples share thoughts about commitment and tell us what they have learned along the way, revealing their secret to making it work.

Who: Abby Mouzakitis-Fazio, 59, and John Fazio, 70

Occupations: Both are pharmacists. Together they own and operate  New London Pharmacy, a 70-year-old drugstore in New York.

Their Marriage: 28 years, 10 months and counting

Through the Years
Abby Mouzakitis and John Fazio were married Aug. 15, 1993, before 85 people in Agios Stefanos Avliotes, Greece, Ms. Mouzakitis’s hometown.

“John walked to the church first, then I walked with my family,” Ms. Ms. Mouzakitis-Fazio said. “Violins played in the background. My parents owned a hotel and restaurant nearby and cooked for the wedding the entire weekend.”

The couple live in Manhasset, N.Y., and have two daughters, 37 and 18, and a son, 24.

Ms. Mouzakitis-Fazio was raised in a sheltered Greek household. Her parents lived around the corner from the New London Pharmacy on 23rd Street and Eighth Avenue in Manhattan. In 1976, they gave her permission to work there part time as a cashier. Mr. Fazio was then a partner in the pharmacy.

“I was 16 and very shy, John was 11 years older than me,” Ms. Mouzakitis-Fazio said. “I liked him. I didn’t think he liked me back.”

He did, even though he was married at the time. Over the next two years, there were deep glances and flirting. The two would have breakfast or coffee together, they would hold hands, and he would walk her home.

“We would write little notes to each other, he would kiss me on my forehead,” she said. “A slow love was happening without either of us knowing it. I always wanted to be with him, talk to him, but it wasn’t allowed because he wasn’t Greek and he was married, but not happily.”

Ms. Mouzakitis-Fazio knew she had to find someone else, and in 1980 she met a man on a bus going from New York to Washington. “We were going to a rally for Cyprus to protest in front of the White House,” she said. “He was from the same Greek Island as my family and part of my Greek community. He had charisma. I made it O.K. in my mind, but it wasn’t.”

The two wed a year later. “At my wedding I kept wishing John would save me and marry me instead,” she said. “My husband made me quit my job, so I would call John once a week just to hear his voice.”

Ms. Mouzakitis-Fazio gave birth to a daughter. Two years later she got divorced and moved back home with her parents. In 1984, she returned to the two things that brought her comfort: New London Pharmacy and Mr. Fazio. This time she was promoted to technician, and simultaneously went back to school for a master’s degree in pharmacy.

“We quickly realized we still felt the same way about each other,” she said. “So I sent him a card telling him to meet me at the Hilton with the time and the room number and waited. I didn’t know if he would show but he did. It was magic.”

The pair continued to grow closer, she said. Mr. Fazio separated from his wife in 1989 and divorced a year later. During that time, he and Ms. Mouzakitis-Fazio moved in together. The following year he proposed in their kitchen.

What They’ve Learned
Ms. Mouzakitis-Fazio I’m the risk taker and dreamer. He makes something a reality and is more cautious and conservative. He’s compassionate, gentle, and gives great advice. He holds my hand when I’m afraid. He makes me feel loved and pretty. All my trust is in him. He was my savior. When I entered a room, I would have to find him first with my eyes and then I would feel at ease. I still do that. So does he.

We’ve learned what makes each other happy, to meet halfway and figure things out together. I’ve learned things will work out. I was afraid we wouldn’t have enough time because he’s older, so we make things count. He’s taught me patience, to be less judgmental, to not criticize, to reinforce positivity with our children. I’ve learned there are different, kinder ways to say something. He’s learned how to have fun, to relax and laugh more. He’s serious and thinks a lot. It took him a while to just sit and watch a movie.

I feel we have a more loving relationship than most people. We still go to hotels a few times a year, it helps us to stay connected.

From the first moment I met him, I knew we were meant to end up like this. It took us so long because we had to be ready for each other. But we found our way back. The person I became because of a bad marriage, from going to school and graduating, and being a single mother made me into the person ready for this relationship.

“I didn’t realize what existed until I met Abby,” Mr. Fazio said.

Mr. Fazio: I was already married when I met Abby. We were very drawn to each other. We knew we had something special. But she was 16 and too young. I was willing to wait. I realized my first marriage wasn’t working. It wasn’t as real as I thought it was.

Abby was different than most of the girls — kinder, softer, not defensive, nice to look at and talk to. I loved watching her. I loved the way she talked and spoke. I still do. She’s the most dedicated wife and mother. She’s sensitive to other people’s needs. She’s stable. She makes me feel calm, reassured and comfortable. Her patience is better than mine. I’ve learned when you’re angry, don’t say anything until the next day. That way you’re calm and rational and you don’t say anything you don’t mean.

I’ve learned you’re half of something — together you’re part of a whole — that nothing happens you can’t resolve in two or three days within the family structure.

She’s given me strength and confidence. She makes me smile, even if she’s drinking a cup of coffee, and that makes me feel good.

We have the same goals. We understand what makes the other person tick, so we avoid pressing each other’s buttons. I get enjoyment in watching what makes her happy.

We used to have big parties with lots of people, but half of them are fake. By looking at each other everybody else would disappear. It was like that then, and now. I’d rather just be with her.

I didn’t realize what existed until I met Abby. I never stopped thinking about her. After she left, I wrote her letters every day for 10 years to keep our relationship alive. She kept each one. I didn’t think her coming back was a possibility, but we got a second chance.

Dating Dare

From NYTimes.com:



When a Dating Dare Leads to Months of Soul Searching
It had been a glorious first date, but for her there was a big problem: They were both of Asian descent.

By: Andrew Lee



At 2 a.m., two blocks from Chinatown, Sarah ended our first date by telling me that my race might be an issue.

What was supposed to be a one-hour coffee date had evolved into a nine-hour marathon. From discussing the five love languages during dinner to telling stories about our exes at Coit Tower, we didn’t even notice that we had traversed four San Francisco neighborhoods and logged 10,000 steps.

We had a lot in common, having experienced what some might describe as all-American upbringings. Born and raised in America’s former Wild West (she in Texas, I in Colorado), we had read “Little House on the Prairie” and learned to square-dance in cowboy boots. We’d both spent time on the football field — she in the marching band, I as a strong safety. She loves country music and, well, I don’t hate country music.

Over dinner, we connected when we opened up about our strained relationships with our mothers and how we came into our own when we went to college out of state. Our thoughts and values mirrored each other, as did our Myers-Briggs personality types. Then, as we strolled to the front of her apartment building, Sarah said, “I have to tell you something.”

I smiled, expecting something from one of the countless jokes we had shared that day. Instead, she said, “You’re the first Asian guy I’ve ever gone on a date with. I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

After talking nonstop all day, I was at a loss for words. Because here’s the kicker: Sarah is Asian-American. Her parents immigrated from Taiwan. Mine came from mainland China.

“If things don’t work out,” she said, “would it hurt your confidence?”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” I said. “I’ve got enough confidence for both of us. When my friends ask what happened, I’ll say, ‘She had everything going for her, but sometimes things get between people.’” I smiled. “‘Like racism.’”

She gave a halfhearted laugh. “I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t like Asian things. I love all Asian food, even stinky tofu. It’s just that I’ve never really been attracted to Asian men. I think it’s because there weren’t a lot of Asians in my small Texas town. All the Asian men I knew were either my friends’ dads or like nerdy brothers to me.”

It was as if she were swiping right on the parts of her heritage she liked and swiping left on the parts she didn’t.

I knew Sarah wasn’t unusual when it came to these preferences. It’s shockingly common to come across profiles that say, “Sorry, no Asians.”

Maybe Asian men need better representation. When I was growing up, there were no mainstream movies like “Crazy Rich Asians” putting a spotlight on attractive Asian leading men. There were no all-Asian boy bands like BTS gracing the cover of Time and winning over American teenagers on “Saturday Night Live.”

With Sarah’s admission, the last nine minutes of our date undid the previous nine hours. You hear stories of people being catfished by fake online profiles. My date was turning into a catfish tale of its own; I was out with someone who had revealed herself to be completely different from who she first appeared to be. I wondered: Is this actual racism, or, even more pernicious, internalized racism — a form of self-hatred?

“I grew up believing Asians weren’t desired,” Sarah said. “I just wanted to fit in, but my friends had a hard time understanding my parents, and our house didn’t look or smell like my friends’ homes. Whenever I complained about how different we were, my parents would just remind me that despite my efforts, people will always treat me like I don’t belong.”

Her saying that clarified something for me. Despite our similarities, we didn’t have the same experience growing up. I was never in want of attention; in fact, I probably received more because I was one of the few Asian students in school. I could be embarrassed by my parents’ broken English at parent-teacher conferences, but what boy isn’t embarrassed by his parents? Most important, where Sarah’s parents warned her about her Asian identity, my parents celebrated ours. We were proud to be Asian in America.

Rather than seeing Sarah’s revelations as a red flag, I found them to be honest and vulnerable. And I felt as if I were uniquely suited to understand her predicament. Even though society views us as the same, Sarah grew up thinking being different was a weakness while I grew up thinking different was a strength. As a whole generation of minorities come of age in minority-majority America, I wondered how many other people were grappling with this issue.

I was still perplexed, though. How did we match on the dating app in the first place? She had to swipe right, and I certainly had not become Asian overnight. “So why did you go on a date with me?” I said.

She exhaled and looked at me imploringly. “Because my friends dared me to go on one date with an Asian guy. And you’re not what I expected. I realize how horrible this sounds, but I guess I, too, feed into the Asian stereotype.”

We were standing awfully close to each other. It occurred to me this was probably her closest romantic encounter with an Asian man.

I reached out and held her hands. “I think I understand. You really want to kiss me, don’t you?”

She smiled and half rolled her eyes.

Figuring I had nothing to lose, I leaned in gently and kissed her.

She kissed back but then pushed me away and started to reach for the door.

At that point, I didn’t know what to think. Was she rejecting me as a dating formality, or because my race made us an impossibility? I felt indignant. Shouldn’t I reject her outright on behalf of all Asian men?

No.

One of my favorite movies is “Before Sunrise,” where two strangers meet on a train, go on an extended date across a city and begin to fall in love. Celine, the female lead, talks about how when we’re young, we believe there will be many people we’ll connect with, and how only when we’re older do we realize it happens only a few times.

I may have been just 31, but I was old enough to know that this was one of those times.

I thought (hoped!) Sarah felt the same thing, but it seemed my race was keeping her from recognizing it. One night of flirting could hardly undo years of assumptions she had embraced about what is desired. I had never connected so deeply in one date as I had with her and felt thwarted by forces beyond my control.

First dates, by their nature, are not safe spaces. We’re made to confront our preferences and prejudices, whether they be about appearance, race, body shape, intelligence or anything else. One thing was clear, though: As I heard the click of the door opening — the door that would shut me out of her life — I realized I was mistaken about me having enough confidence for both of us.

But she didn’t go inside. She stopped, holding the door slightly open. Then, almost as quickly as she had stepped away, she turned around and, with a sly smile, planted another kiss on my lips.

Many months later, after more dates, kisses and moments of vulnerability over stinky tofu, we decided to get married. On Aug. 31, 2019, we will be tying the knot in my home state.

Sarah thought she knew how she wanted her life to play out. She thought she knew what kind of person she would find attractive and marry. We all do that to some degree, whether those expectations involve race, career choice or the number of children we want. That Sarah was open to examining those assumptions (even encouraging and helping me to write about them) was another quality that drew me to her.

Our childhoods shape us. I hadn’t fully appreciated how Sarah’s had shaped her. Now, at least, we can shape our future together.

Realizing what you can control and accepting what you can't

What a helpful article:

Recognizing What You Can Control and Accepting What You Can’t

By Sharon Martin, LCSW
Last updated: 27 May 2019

~ 4 MIN READ

Codependents often focus on other people and their problems – sometimes getting obsessed with or fixated on helping or fixing things outside of their control. Not only can this lead to self-neglect, but it’s also frustrating and largely a waste of time and energy. Instead of focusing on things that we can’t control or influence, we need to focus on what we can control and learn to accept what we can’t.

But recognizing when we need to stop exerting control or influence isn’t always easy. In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey uses a helpful framework to make it clear that we can’t influence or change many of the things we’re concerned about. And he explains that by focusing on things that we can do something about we can be more effective, get more done, and feel more satisfied in our work and personal lives.

Covey’s idea is pretty straight forward. We each have a Circle of Concern which includes everything we care about and a smaller Circle of Influence that includes those things that we care about and can do something about.

The Circle of Concern

If I asked you to make a list of all the things you’re concerned about, I bet you would come up with a pretty long list. You might be concerned about your mother’s health, your finances, your child’s aggressive behavior, the potholes on your street, school shootings, climate change, and so forth. There are a lot of things “wrong” in the world – so much that we’d like to change.

There’s nothing wrong with having a long list of concerns; it’s a reflection that you care. However, it’s not helpful to worry or dwell on problems that you can’t fix or to force solutions on other people. We need to focus on those things that we’re concerned about and that we can do something about.

The Circle of Influence

According to Covey:

“Proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of Influence. They work on the things they can do something about…Reactive people, on the other hand, focus their efforts in the Circle of Concern. They focus on the weakness of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimization. The negative energy generated by that focus, combined with the neglect in areas they could do something about, causes their Circle of Influence to shrink.” (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, page 90)

Covey wasn’t talking about those with codependency issues in his description of reactive people, but it certainly describes codependency quite well! We are reactive rather than proactive and spend too much time in the Circle of Concern and not enough time in the Circle of Influence.

Codependency and the Circle of Control

As Covey describes, it’s important to distinguish our concerns from our influence. The problem is that most of us overestimate our influence – we think if we try hard enough, we can convince people to change and adopt our point of view. Therefore, for codependents, it’s especially helpful to add a third circle- the Circle of Control. This is the smallest circle, a subset of the Circle of Influence.

What you can control is very limited, but we certainly aren’t powerless. Your Circle of Control includes what you say, do, think, and feel. This might not seem like a lot but it actually encompasses quite a bit. Here’s a helpful list of 75 things you can control.  This is where the majority of our time and energy should be spent.

Focus on your Circle of Control

As codependents, we spend far too much time in the Circles of Concern and Influence and not enough in the Circle of Control. We try to fix, help, rescue, and change people and situations. We obsess about their problems and how to solve them. We confuse influence with control and overestimate how much we can do. We lose sight of the fact that we have no control and often little influence to be able to change others and their choices and circumstances. We act as if we can control (or at least influence) everything that concerns us, but we can’t!

This is often the case with family members. Due to our close relationship, we have some influence. But we all know that in reality that doesn’t mean our kids or spouse are going to want or accept our suggestions for how we think they can improve their lives. So, even within your Circle of Influence, you need to be realistic about what you can do and accept that the Circle of Influence is not in our control.

When we put too much focus on the Circle of Concern and not enough on the Circle of Control, we hurt ourselves and our relationships. We neglect our own needs and we undermined other people’s right to self-determination, the opportunity to solve their own problems and learn from their mistakes. This leads to self-neglect, controlling, enabling, nagging, frustration, anger, etc. We want to shift this so our time, energy, and resources are well spent, so we can solve our own problems, and keep ourselves physically and emotionally healthy.

You always want to be expending the majority of your time, energy, and attention in your Circle of Control. You can use the following questions to clarify what’s in your control and what isn’t.

Questions to help you recognize what you can change and accept what you can’t

To get started, draw your own set of circles and fill them in with your concerns, things you can influence, and things in your control.

• What concern or problem is bothering me right now?
• Do I have direct control, indirect control (influence), or is it out of my control?
• If I have direct control, what actions can I take?
• If I have no control, what can I do in my Circle of Control that will help me accept what is?
• If I have influence, how much? (rate from 1-10)
• If your influence is less than a “5”, focus on acceptance.
• If your influence is greater than a “5”, consider:
• Does this person want my help/advice/guidance? How do I know?
• Do I really have as much influence as I think? What’s the evidence?
• How much time, energy, money, or other resources does it make sense to devote to trying to influence this person/situation?
• How can I still keep the focus on my needs so I don’t get burnt out or obsessed with other people and their problems?

I hope these questions and Covey’s Circles of Concern, Influence, and Control will help you focus positive energy on yourself and grow greater acceptance for those things that are out of your control.

Emotional Freedom

From PsychCentral.com:



Finding Emotional Freedom After a Toxic Relationship
By: Sharon Martin, LCSW



A toxic or codependent relationship can make you feel trapped, small, and deficient. It can feel like an anchor weighing you down, suffocating you.

People who grew up in dysfunctional families, with parents who lacked boundaries, abused drugs or alcohol, or suffered from mental illness, develop a set of coping skills that helped them deal with the chaos and dysfunction in their families. And although these coping skills helped us get through a lot of difficult childhood experiences, they can make it hard for us to manage our emotions and prioritize our needs.

In adulthood, we continue to suppress our feelings, get into relationships with needy or dysfunctional people, and spend so much time and energy focused on other people and their needs that we neglect ourselves. Our lives continue to be consumed with anxiety, efforts to please people who are never satisfied, and feelings of shame and self-blame.

In an effort to survive, many people “lose” themselves.

Freedom from emotional abuse and toxic relationships
Codependent, abusive, and toxic relationships are notoriously hard to break free from. Despite how harmful these types of relationships are, they feel familiar and they give us a sense of purpose and self-worth. And toxic people are very skilled at keeping us attached. Whenever we try to pull away, they heap on the blame, guilt, and abusive behaviors that destroy our self-esteem and keep us dependent.

Eventually, we learn that toxic people aren’t interested in changing. They’re too busy blaming and judging and making demands. So, it falls on us to figure out how to untangle our lives and emotions from dysfunctional people. For some people this can be accomplished with stronger boundaries, learning to detach, and limiting contact. For others, going “no contact” or ending the relationship is the only path to emotional freedom.

I don’t know what’s right for you or when you’ll be ready to make a change. As a therapist, I’ve worked with many, many people who have decided to end relationships with toxic people because of the damage these relationships were causing to their health, happiness, and other relationships. And, although I don’t know anyone who’s regretted their decision, we all have to get there in our own time.

Ending or limiting a relationship with a friend or family member is a big decision and involves loss – even if it was a terribly dysfunctional relationship. However, there is much to be gained. Distancing yourself from emotional abuse allows you to reclaim your emotional freedom and find a path back to yourself.

What is emotional freedom?
As you heal from emotional abuse, you’ll experience what I call emotional freedom — the freedom to be yourself and the ability to manage your own feelings rather than letting your feelings control you.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the components of emotional freedom.

Feelings
You stop absorbing other people’s feelings and have your own. You experience your feelings as separate from other people’s, so even if they are upset, you don’t have to be. As a result, your feelings start to make sense and be helpful.
You have a whole range of feelings – not just two or three. You’re no longer avoiding your feelings or afraid of them. You’re not relying on food, alcohol, drugs, overworking, and other distractions to numb your feelings. You allow yourself to feel them, you invite them in rather than pushing them away.
Guilt and shame don’t dominate your emotions. Because you’re rebuilding your self-esteem, you’re no longer willing to accept the blame for everything that goes wrong. You take responsibility for your actions, but you’re not going to be a scapegoat. And you’re breaking down shame by sharing your story with trustworthy people.
You’re no longer tethered to someone else’s feelings. Your feelings and life are your own. And you don’t need others to approve of or understand your choices.
You respond rather than react. In the past, your feelings felt out of control and you reacted to every little annoyance or criticism, but now you know how to tolerate and process your emotions so they can help you rather than get in your way.
Being yourself
You sense that you’re becoming your “real self”.
You feel connected to yourself. You know who you are – and you like yourself. You have a deeper understanding of why you do things, what you want, and what matters to you.
You no longer see yourself as broken or damaged. You’re no longer looking for someone else to “complete you” or show you that you’re lovable and worthy. You know that you’re worthy and feel it deep inside.
You give yourself permission to be happy.
You trust yourself.
You take better care of yourself. You prioritize self-care and don’t feel guilty about it.
You enjoy your own company.
Choices
You see choices that you never saw before. You’re no longer limited by other people’s expectations and demands. You can do what’s right for you and explore all the world has to offer.
Emotional Strength
You have the strength to say “no” and to tolerate criticism and conflict.
You feel emotionally strong and confident and feel capable of dealing with whatever happens.
Energy
Because you set limits and boundaries, you’re not drained by other people’s drama and negativity.
Your energy is renewed because you allow yourself to rest, play, and pursue creative outlets.
Relationships
Having healthy relationships starts to seem possible. You feel hopeful about connecting with emotionally healthy people.
You’re interested in connecting with others, but you don’t feel desperate or needy.
You take new relationships slowly.
You set boundaries and trust your instincts.
I hope this description of emotional freedom gives you a taste of what’s possible. What does emotional freedom look like for you? As you heal from emotional abuse and rediscover yourself, you may want to create your own definition of emotional freedom. And, as always, please remember that healing isn’t all-or-nothing. Some emotional freedom is certainly better than none! Be gentle and kind to yourself along the journey.