I have been struggling quite a bit over the past few weeks and I am not entirely sure why. The only event that has happened was a procedure I had about a week ago that was performed to remove pre-cancerous cells from my cervix. (I know, I know, TMI, right? 😜) Although my thoughts and desires were happening before the procedure, they have really amped up since.
I have been having dreams, fantasies, and naughty thoughts about several different men at a pace that rivals when I was in active addiction. A few nights ago, I had a dream that I had a steady boyfriend whom I loved and was very attracted to. The dream was full of passionate kissing and cuddling. (In fact, if I was a man, I guess you could call it a wet dream.) Unfortunately (and this may be some weird sign), my dream boyfriend got killed in a plane crash. Siiiiigggghhhhhhh...............
I have been praying for strength constantly throughout this time. I have been under extreme stress with work, grad school, my internship, effectively managing my time, having my surgery, and dealing with my son's father and his constant bullshit. I am sure this is connected to my heightened sexual arousal because it has been a coping skill of mine for decades. However it's aggravating and unnerving.
One last observation: love and sex addiction is very difficult to navigate because sex and human connection is a basic human need. So am I feeling horny because of my addiction or because I haven't had sex in almost 3 years? Obviously that is something that only I can figure out but I thought writing a post would be a good outlet for my confusion and frustration.
I will be posting again in a few weeks to commemorate my 3 year soberversary. Catch ya on the flip side! 😊
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