Hope!!!

90 days. That is the length of time it takes the brain to "reset" itself from the influence of an addiction. This knowledge brings me comfort and hope. Today is day 24. I know I will feel better and I will beat this thing by taking it one day at a time. 90 days from November 6 (my sobriety date) is February 4th. How ironic, that's my little boy's birthday! I got this!!!

Struggles

Today is day 23 and I am not going to lie: I miss him. Or rather, it seems like I miss him. But perhaps it's just a physical longing because the man certainly wasn't ever that nice to me. I allowed him to make me feel "less than" all the time. That just triggered feelings of me wanting to do better and be better, in order to please him. I wanted him to accept me and treasure me, put me on a pedestal like I always did with him. I guess only one person can be up on that pedestal at a time. And he will never get off of it.
I think part of the reason I am feeling this way is because of the dreams I had about him last night...you know, the ones that are so vivid that when you wake up, you can almost feel the person beside you? I have had these dreams before and not only do they make me miss him but they always make me feel worse. The theme is always him rejecting me for someone else. That makes sense because he did spend a good part of our "relationship" doing that. Another reason why it makes sense is that deep down, I have always felt rejected by everyone. I would imagine that's due to me always rejecting myself. Let me tell you, I will jump for joy on the day when I think more of myself than I have for some of my "partners". One day at a time....that's all I have to offer this evening.

Day 22

"No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity".

Today a person who I hold in very high regard told me how much she liked the Whitney Houston song The Greatest Love of All. I have always loved this song as well and made a point of telling her this. We listened to the song together and I am so glad I did. The message this song conveys is one of the most important in life: Love yourself, value yourself, never stop remembering how valuable you are. Most of all, never tolerate anyone treating you like you are "less than".  These lyrics brought me a sense of comfort today. I will be repeating them consistently whenever I need to remind myself that I need to stop settling. Never give up.

Ugh, Monday!

Well, as hard as it was to pull myself out of bed this morning, I somehow managed to do it. This morning was particularly painful because I had some vivid dreams about my most current ex-boyfriend. They were ones that were hard to shake too. Mainly because they involved one of my recurrent fantasies throughout my life: the big, strong man "saving" me from my life. That was something that I also expected from him. He went along with this idea at first, which didn't help matters.
Anyways, my day and evening went extraordinarily well. I am feeling pretty damn good right now. I feel something that I haven't felt in a long while and that my friends is hope. One day at a time....

Time

Time is a funny thing....it can be either a blessing or a curse. For example, the past 20 days or so has seemed to me to go incredibly slow. Painfully slow. But I think that might be due to the withdrawal symptoms that I am experiencing from ending my latest "relationship" cold turkey. Sometimes I wish that I could speed up this process but whenever I find myself wishing that, I try like hell to stop myself. Because "this process" is what will help me heal. Actually having to go through the pain and face it for the first time in my life, face it ALONE, without the promise of a current or future relationship.....that's the very thing that will build the foundation of my new life. God, please give me strength.

First Blog Post.....New Beginning!

I decided to start writing my own blog for many different reasons including documenting my thoughts, detailing my journey, and sharing what I am going through with family and friends. However, the number one reason I am doing this is to hold MYSELF accountable. If in the process, I can help someone else, then that's even better!!!

Last night, I read the most eye-opening book. It was called Love Junkie: A Memoir by Rachel Resnick. I just purchased the book yesterday and I couldn't put it down; I read the entire thing in one day. I have never read anything before that hit home for me that much, it was uncanny. While I knew before reading this that I had a problem, this book has cemented it for me: I NEED TO QUIT THIS ADDICTION BEFORE IT KILLS ME. 21 years is such a long time to be in this much pain and misery, I have given up and lost far too much already. It stops. Now.

In the vein of holding myself accountable, I have 2 separate numbers to report. Today it has been 20 days since I last had contact with my latest addiction. Because I feel like my addiction has been spiraling out of control as the years go by, this most recent man was truly my perfect poison. He was like pure heroin to me. I have no idea how I mustered the strength to do it but 20 days ago, I blocked him and I haven't spoken to him since. I have not searched social media for him either.

The other number is 23. This has been the number of days since I physically engaged in my addiction. 23 days ago represented the breaking point of my addiction, where I knew I needed to stop the madness. Enough is enough. I will be 39 years old on December 20th. I WILL move past this and recover from this addiction. I will heal from all of the crap that I have put myself through and work through all the issues from childhood that I have never bothered to address, much to my own detriment. Please encourage me, follow my progress, and help to hold me accountable. My life depends on this!!!