Struggles

Today is day 23 and I am not going to lie: I miss him. Or rather, it seems like I miss him. But perhaps it's just a physical longing because the man certainly wasn't ever that nice to me. I allowed him to make me feel "less than" all the time. That just triggered feelings of me wanting to do better and be better, in order to please him. I wanted him to accept me and treasure me, put me on a pedestal like I always did with him. I guess only one person can be up on that pedestal at a time. And he will never get off of it.
I think part of the reason I am feeling this way is because of the dreams I had about him last night...you know, the ones that are so vivid that when you wake up, you can almost feel the person beside you? I have had these dreams before and not only do they make me miss him but they always make me feel worse. The theme is always him rejecting me for someone else. That makes sense because he did spend a good part of our "relationship" doing that. Another reason why it makes sense is that deep down, I have always felt rejected by everyone. I would imagine that's due to me always rejecting myself. Let me tell you, I will jump for joy on the day when I think more of myself than I have for some of my "partners". One day at a time....that's all I have to offer this evening.