5 Ways to Become a Good Friend to Yourself
By: Abigail Brenner M.D.
"My Best Friend is the One Who Brings Out the Best in Me"---Henry Ford
So much about being alive is about being in relationship. Life is defined by the company we keep—our family, our friends, our intimate ones. For most of us, who we are and what we do is profoundly influenced by those around us. As children, we learn many skills and lessons of living from our caregivers. Later, our friends and peer group help further mold who we are and who we are becoming.
Although most of us care what others think of us, it’s important that we learn to put peoples’ opinions of us in proper perspective. What this means is that those who love us will naturally want the best for us in most instances. They may weigh in on how we are presenting ourselves to the rest of the world and may offer constructive ideas about how to improve parts of ourselves. That’s fine, along as the advice is given thoughtfully and respectfully.
But, sometimes, the best intentions of others don’t help us to grow and come into our own power and potential. For whatever reasons, many of us continue to rely on others to make our choices and decisions. That may be because sometimes we don’t have the confidence in ourselves to trust our own judgment. Or, we’re afraid that we’ll make the wrong choice and/or decision. Or, we’re too dependent on others because certain people in our lives are afraid to let us go and to allow us to make our own decisions. Or, we’re worried that others won’t like or approve of us if we don’t include them in our decisions and we’re far too invested in getting that approval so that we feel appreciated and valued. Sometimes, we allow others to weigh in on our issues simply because it’s easier to keep the peace that way.
There’s nothing wrong with consulting people you trust and care about to help you decide what to do in any given situation but ultimately, you need to develop the ability to take your life in your own hands—even if there are times when you really don’t know what’s the best thing to do, or even have no idea what to do at all. Ultimately, the idea is to incorporate all that you have been taught and have learned over years in order to come to a place where you have a pretty good idea of who you think and feel you are in your own right, and to have made the adjustments to live comfortably and satisfactorily in your own skin. In other words, you need to develop your own internal GPS and support system—a way of being that will allow you to be more self-reliant, more independent, and less invested in what others think and feel about you.
While you’d think learning to be Number One in your life should be obvious, it isn’t. There is no course in how to become the best you can be. No one teaches us that it’s essential to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. Often, for various and complex reasons, people get caught up in the drama and trauma of life and relationships and don’t spend the required time, energy, and effort to focus intensely on themselves. If you don’t already know you’re Number One in your own life, you should.
Here, are some helpful ways to bring the attention back to yourself, to get in touch with what makes you tick, and to understand what makes you, YOU!
Know Yourself.
Or as the ancients said, “Know thyself.” How much time do you spend reflecting on who you are? It’s good practice to set aside time—daily, weekly, monthly—to examine how you’re living your life. Are you happy with the way your life is going? Are you satisfied with where you are, or are you frustrated? Are you in control of your choices and decisions, or do you feel that you’re spinning your wheels and getting nowhere? Are you happy with the people in your life, or are you bothered and dissatisfied with your relationships? Are you achieving your goals, or are other demands forcing your attention elsewhere? Are you compassionate toward yourself, accepting yourself as you are, or are you judgmental and critical?
Knowing who you are helps you identify what you need in order to create the life you want. Knowing who you are allows you to positively focus on yourself, prevents you from getting too caught up in others’ lives, and keeps you grounded and balanced. When you know yourself and the way you want to show up for life, it’s more likely you will choose to put yourself FIRST, taking care of your own needs before helping others with theirs.
Learn to Be Alone and Like It.
Frequently take time for yourself away from others. Develop interests and activities that you enjoy doing solo. People often fear being alone because they equate being alone with loneliness. When you first try spending time on your own it may feel awkward and strange. But if you make a regular practice of it you may start to look forward to the times when you can be by yourself. Solitude allows you the time to reflect without outside interference and outside noise. There are no expectations other than the ones you set for yourself. Being alone helps you sort out what’s most important to you without outside influence.
Cultivating time to be alone is even more important these days when the demands of social media fill so much of our time. If real-life relationships were not difficult enough on their own to navigate, the pseudo-relationships we create with others without seeing them face-to-face on social media has made us frantic to stay connected all the time. People are often afraid they will miss out or be left out if they’re not connected. Being alone with yourself allows you the time to unplug and get back in touch with what is truly important to you personally.
Make Your Own Choices and Decisions.
This is an essential skill that every child should be taught from early on. But frequently aren’t. I know a great number of adults who can’t make a decision or choice without consulting several friends, family, therapists, and anyone else who will listen to them. Then they take the sum total of everyone’s advice and that’s what they do. Again, there’s nothing wrong with asking advice but when this becomes a chronic situation and you can’t make a decision on your own it implies that you don’t trust yourself, your judgment, and your gut instincts.
Remember, this is YOUR life, no one else’s. While we all need and want support and encouragement from those we care about, only you have the power to create your own happiness.
Create Healthy Boundaries.
Boundaries are often blurred in relationship. We readily allow others into our space, especially those closest to us. That’s expected and often perfectly fine, except when others intrude more and more into our space when we have not given them permission. Some people feel that intimacy involves totally “blending” lives; that there are no secrets and that everything is shared. Pathologically, allowing someone to “set up home” in your space signals them that there is no separation between you and that they have free reign to use your space the way they want to. In situations like this others may feel a sense of entitlement to your privacy, and may become demanding, possessive, and controlling.
But even in the most intimate relationships there are still two separate, distinct people. Your time and energy are sacred to you. You decide how you want to use them. You set the rules in relationship about what works for you and what doesn’t. If someone can’t tolerate that, it speaks volumes. I recently saw this:
no
is a necessary magic
no
draws a circle around you
with chalk
and says
I have given enough
— boundaries
Revel in Your Achievements and Accomplishments.
Allow yourself to feel good about everything you do, especially those things you’re most proud of. Take the time to acknowledge all of your attributes and contributions. When you honor your self-worth you continue to build your self-confidence and self-esteem. Your achievements and accomplishments are the sum total of hard work, determination, and perseverance. While it’s great to feel appreciated and recognized by others, it’s far more important that you know what you’re capable of and that you can succeed through your own efforts.
Adapting an orientation to life that relies primarily on your own personal resources, rather than on the “externals”—everything and everyone outside of yourself—is advantageous for making change and for effectively shifting to meet the ongoing demands of life. All this is a way of saying that you need to learn how to trust and rely on yourself first and foremost—to become your own best friend and confidant.
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