3 year coin!!!

Darlene Lancer article ❤

I just read a great article on love addiction--it's easy to understand while at the same time perfectly describes the misery of the disease and steps an individual can take to heal. From 

PsychologyToday.com:

Healthy Love vs. Addiction: 10 Signs of Addictive Love

By: Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT 

Learn the difference between lust, love and addiction.

Posted May 02, 2020

Wonder whether you’re in love or in lust? Whether your obsession about someone is a sign of love or "addiction?" Whether you’re staying in a troubled relationship because you’re addicted or in love? 

It’s complicated, and lust and love and addiction don’t always exclude one another. Endless analyzing doesn’t help or change our feelings, because we’re often driven by forces outside our conscious awareness.

Chemistry

Initial attraction stirs up neurotransmitters and hormones that create the excitement of infatuation and a strong desire to be close and sexual with the person. These chemicals and our emotional and psychological make-up can cause us to obfuscate reality and idealize the object of our attraction. Time spent in fantasy fuels our craving to be with him or her. This is normal when it doesn’t take over our lives.

Lust

When it’s purely lust, we’re not too interested in spending time together without sex or the expectation of it. We don’t want to discuss real life problems and may not even want to spend the night. Fantasies are mostly sexual or about the person’s appearance and body, and we aren’t interested in meeting the person’s needs outside the bedroom – or maybe even inside!

Sex releases oxytocin, the love chemical that makes us want to nest with our partner. As we get to know our lover, we may want to spend more or less time together, depending on what we learn. At this juncture, our brain chemicals as well as our attachment style and psychological issues can lead us to become attached through a romance or love addiction that feels like love, but is more driven by our need for the chemical rush to avoid feelings of abandonment, depression, and low self-esteem.

Relationship Addiction

Excitement and desire may be heightened by intrigue or our partner’s unpredictability or unavailability. We may remain attached and even crave our partner, but our discomfort or unhappiness grows. Instead of focusing on that, our hunger to be with him or her takes center stage, despite the fact that disturbing facts or character traits arise that are hard to ignore. We may feel controlled or neglected, unsafe or disrespected, or discover that our partner is unreliable, or lies, manipulates, rages, has secrets, or has a major problem, such as drug addiction or serious legal or financial troubles. Nonetheless, we stay and don’t heed our better judgment to leave. Increasingly, we hide our worries and doubts and rely on sex, romance, and fantasy to sustain the relationship. Out of sympathy, we might even be drawn to help and “rescue” our partner and/or try to change him or her back into the ideal we “fell” for. These are signs of addiction.

Love

But lust can also lead to true love as we become attached to and get to know our sexual partner, and lust doesn’t always fade. I’ve seen couples married for decades that enjoy a vibrant sex life. However, true love does require that we recognize our separateness and love our mate for who he or she truly is. There’s always some idealization in a new relationship, but true love endures when that fades. As the relationship grows, we develop trust and greater closeness. Instead of trying to change our partner, we accept him or her. We want to share more of our time and life together, including our problems and friends and family. Our lover’s needs, feelings, and happiness become important to us, and we think about planning a future together. When the passion is still there, we’re lucky to have both love and lust.

Love Plus Addiction

Love and an unhealthy attachment may coexist or be hard to differentiate. Because with addiction, we tend to idealize and often happily self-sacrifice for our partner. When differences and serious problems are largely ignored, minimized, or rationalized, we’re not really seeing or loving the whole person. Denial is a symptom of addiction and supports a compulsion to cling to the relationship. Facing the truth would create inner conflict about our fear of emptiness and loneliness, which underlie addiction. Similarly, when our emphasis is on how our partner makes us feel or how he or she feels about us, our “love” is based on a self-centered, codependent need.

Two Paths of Love

Healthy relationships and addictive ones have very different trajectories. Healthy partners don’t “fall in love;” they “grow in love.” They’re not as driven by overwhelming, unconscious fears and needs. Contrast the stages of addictive and healthy relationships:

Addictive Relationships

-Intense attraction – feel anxious

-Idealize each other, ignoring differences

-Fall “in love” and make commitments

-Get to know one another

-Become disappointed

-Cling to the fantasy of love

-Try to change our partner into our ideal

-Feel resentful and unloved

Healthy Relationships

-Attraction and friendship begin, feel comfortable

-Attraction grows as they know each other

-Acknowledge differences (or leave)

-Grow to love each other

-Make commitments

-Compromise needs

-Love and acceptance of each other deepens

-Feel supported and loved

Signs of Relationship Addiction

Addictive relationships may include sex addiction, and romance, relationship, and love addiction. Lust and love and love and addiction can overlap. When we heal, we can see whether love remains. We might even leave an unhealthy relationship and still love our ex. Meanwhile, some things are knowable:

-Love at first sight may be triggered by many things, but it’s not love, and may be a warning sign. It takes time to love someone.

-Having sex with strangers or frequent multiple partners is a sign of sexual addiction.

-Compulsive activity, whether sexual or romantic, that feels out-of-control, such as compulsive sex, stalking, spying, constant calling or texting is a sign of addiction.

-Ignoring your partner’s boundaries, and abusing, controlling or manipulating him or her (including people-pleasing or rescuing) are signs of addiction.

-Using sex or a relationship to cope with emptiness, depression, anger, shame, or anxiety is a sign of addiction.

-Using sex or romance to substitute for vulnerable, authentic intimacy is a symptom of addiction. (Love-bombing may contribute to this.)

-Staying in a painful relationship out of fear of abandonment or loneliness is a sign of addiction, not love.

-Inability to commit to a relationship or staying involved with someone who is emotionally unavailable shows a fear of intimacy – a symptom of addiction.

-Trusting too much or too little are signs of addiction.

-Sacrificing your values or standards to be with someone is a sign of addiction.

Healing from Love Addiction

Sometimes abstinence from dating for a while can help break the cycle of obsessions and compulsions revolving around the other person. It’s very hard to abstain from compulsive, addictive behavior without support, because the unconscious forces driving us and the pain of abstinence are overwhelming. Support of a Twelve Step program is highly recommended, because abstinence is so difficult. If you continue to date, look out for signs of narcissism and emotional unavailability. There is hope and a way out. Recovery includes:

-Learn more about the symptoms of codependency

-Healing the shame and abandonment pain of your childhood

-Building your self-esteem

-Learning to be assertive

-Learning to honor and meet your needs and nurture yourself

-Risking being authentic about your feelings and needs

-Attend CoDA or SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous)

-Psychotherapy will help heal deeper, causative issues from childhood.

©Darlene Lancer 2014

3 years of sobriety from love and sex addiction!

Guys....I DID IT! Yesterday at about 6:25 PM it was official! 3 years of sobriety from love and sex addiction! I am extremely proud and grateful. 🙏

Three Years Celibate AND Election Day 2020

Today is a huge milestone for both me and our country! I thought it rather interesting that my celibacy anniversary and the election is on the same day! While I realize that the U.S. Presidential Election is exponentially more important than my addiction, I also think it's an amazing achievement for someone who thought she needed to have at least one man in her life at all times!

While I realize that some people may consider this decision to be extreme, I needed an extreme solution to match my extreme problem. The pictures below were taken exactly 3 years ago, on the day that my life inadvertently changed forever. (If I look drunk, it's because I was. Reckless decision #9,457.)

In my addiction, I not only faced destructive and risky consequences that I have discussed extensively in this blog; I have realized that in my pursuit of men, I lost touch with who was most important: myself. And yes, even though I do miss sex sometimes, the benefits that I have received far outweigh any negative effects. I have finally found what I was searching for all of those years: an inner peace and knowing who I truly am and what I want.  I found a detailed article posted on Medium.com that discusses a woman's celibacy experience. Much of what she shares I can definitely relate to. You can read the article below. And because I did my civic duty, I want to encourage others to do the same so GO VOTE!!!!

7 Benefits of 6 Years Without Sex (Plus Some Negatives)

By: Stellabelle

Mar 16, 2016

This post is designed for students of psychology & sexuality and anyone curious about what happens to your mind and body when deprived of sex for long periods of time.

If you have more questions or are writing a paper about the topic of celibacy, feel free to contact me in the comments below. I would be happy to share my findings with you. I am my own lab rat but would welcome the opportunity to help others who are studying the topic.

I first need to define what form my celibacy took and some history of my sexuality and general state of mind. For six years, I did not engage in intercourse nor did I masturbate with any regularity. It was like my sexual urges vanished altogether. I also did not engage in sexual fantasies. Occasionally, some libido would resurface and masturbation ensued, but for the most part, my libido retreated entirely. The cause of my self-inflicted celibacy can be attributed to a nervous breakdown after a relationship with a sociopath. The thought of sex would create a black death sensation in both my mouth and stomach.

In my thirties, I classified myself as a sexual fantasy addict with some sex addict behaviors like frequently having sex with strangers and using sex as an addictive substance like alcohol. At the time I was also an alcoholic, and these addictions overlapped. I disconnected my emotions from the sexual act and developed a terrible idea of what men were, based on my experiences.

I wasn’t into S&M or any other sexually deviant stuff. When people hear the term, ‘sexual fantasy’ many immediately think of truly unimaginative, base and degrading scenarios. This is the stuff that’s sadly spread around in the media.

My sexual fantasies were much more than just fleeting thought scenarios. They were huge castles from highly cultivated lands. They were sparked by odd things like white shoes and the veins in someone’s arm. They often formed around someone I knew but didn’t feel worthy of. The main component of my fantasies was this: impossibility. I am drawn to abject suffering and impossibility. It’s the fuel my imagination feeds upon. I like to construct elaborate stories that explore this unquenchable longing, and my sexual highs get even higher when I get even a slight signal that my world might spill out into reality. I’ve had several long-term sexual fantasy obsessions come to life and I must say, they were mind-blowing. They do not last, for they are not designed to. My creative thinking abilities are intricately tied to my sexual fantasy obsessions.

My obsessional nature has gotten me in a lot of trouble and I never understood it until a few a years ago. My mind is like a monkey running around constantly. It gets bored easily, and to compensate for boredom, it constructs fantasy worlds, CONSTANTLY. I never had a proper outlet for my ideas, my most intimate thoughts until very recently, when I started writing on this platform. I never considered myself to be a “writer” but a recorder of thoughts.

For me personally, the benefits of celibacy certainly outweigh the disadvantages. So, naturally, I recommend it as a short-term solution to solve some types of problems like lack of focus, addictions, purpose and mental resolve.

Here are the positive benefits I noticed throughout my celibacy phase.

Ability to create and record thoughts increased by 400%.

Increased mental processing power, speed and focus.

Increased self-esteem.

Increased empathic abilities.

Removal of excessive fears of contracting sexually transmitted diseases/pregnancy.

Sexual energy is transmuted into creative innovation and pursuits that are not selfish in design.

5 senses are heightened and made much more sensitive. You can gain true knowledge because your mind is not confused by desire. The reason this occurs is because you act and interact with the true world, not the one you want to fuck, control or dominate.

Here are the disadvantages (in my case):

Increased intake of food.

Inability to relate to 99% of the population.

Decreased feelings of love which lead to dark thoughts.

Extreme hypersensitivity which can lead to auditory and visual hallucinations. (example: my sense of smell is so acute that I have to run away when my nose confronts bad smells, like chemicals, dead animals, etc. These smells make my entire body convulse. Another example: 2 nights ago, I “heard” a bell. Hearing this bell woke me up but I soon realized my brain had created the sound.)

Increased dependence upon social media to satisfy social needs.

My 6 year-long celibacy phase has come to an end because I was recently “attacked” by sexual fantasies, three in a row. One fantasy was brought on by seeing a young man, another was created by an innocent text interaction and another one is a longer term fantasy that is only intellectual in nature.

Another reason I decided to end it is that I noticed I was eating too much. I prescribed myself masturbation therapy (at least twice per day) as well as making connections with real people. Dating is a possible solution, but not in the way I did in the past. I’ve decided this time around not to become intimate with anyone whom I don’t know thoroughly. I’m trying to inject rational thought into a an urge that is not rational in nature. This is the struggle for me. And, the last thing I’ve prescribed is writing about sexual fantasies as a way to diffuse their power over me. I’ve had a few really good ones recently. Maybe I’ll write about them soon.

Since I started these therapies, I’ve noticed I’m no longer over-eating at night. Also, I am starting to just feel better, healthier. I’m also able to connect better to people and be more interested in them. I’ve effectively severed the tie between my sociopathic ex and sex. This result has restored my perception of sex back to its original default setting: fucking is great when done with a great person.

Day #1076--On the struggle bus 🚍

 I have been struggling quite a bit over the past few weeks and I am not entirely sure why. The only event that has happened was a procedure I had about a week ago that was performed to remove pre-cancerous cells from my cervix. (I know, I know, TMI, right? 😜) Although my thoughts and desires were happening before the procedure, they have really amped up since. 

I have been having dreams, fantasies, and naughty thoughts about several different men at a pace that rivals when I was in active addiction. A few nights ago, I had a dream that I had a steady boyfriend whom I loved and was very attracted to. The dream was full of passionate kissing and cuddling. (In fact, if I was a man, I guess you could call it a wet dream.) Unfortunately (and this may be some weird sign), my dream boyfriend got killed in a plane crash. Siiiiigggghhhhhhh...............

I have been praying for strength constantly throughout this time. I have been under extreme stress with work, grad school, my internship, effectively managing my time, having my surgery, and dealing with my son's father and his constant bullshit. I am sure this is connected to my heightened sexual arousal because it has been a coping skill of mine for decades. However it's aggravating and unnerving.

One last observation: love and sex addiction is very difficult to navigate because sex and human connection is a basic human need. So am I feeling horny because of my addiction or because I haven't had sex in almost 3 years? Obviously that is something that only I can figure out but I thought writing a post would be a good outlet for my confusion and frustration.

I will be posting again in a few weeks to commemorate my 3 year soberversary. Catch ya on the flip side! 😊

Day 1035

1,000 Days!!!

It's been quite some time since I posted an update so here I am! 😊 Today marks a momentous milestone for me: 1,000 days free of love and sex addiction! My 2 year alcohol soberversary will be coming up in a few days and I am very excited for that as well!

My life continues to be peaceful and serene. I feel extremely grateful to have the best son in the world and fantastic friends who would have my back no matter what. I have an awesome job where I have the opportunity to truly help others and I think of my coworkers as family. Grad school has continued to go well; so well in fact that I currently have a 4.0. We are set to start our specialized field placements in a few weeks and graduation will be next year. 

Sobriety and recovery has brought me the awareness to be grateful for all of the things in my life. Even better, I am truly present in situations at home, work, or with my family/friends. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I feel free!

I want to offer an illustration of how bad my disease truly was: at the very beginning of my last relationship 3 years ago, my most recent qualifier told me of his last serious relationship, a woman he dated while living in Florida. He explained that their relationship ended because he had no other choice but to move home (Buffalo) with his young son because as a single parent, he needed family support. He reported that although their official relationship ended, they were still close friends and in fact, she flew to Buffalo on a couple of occasions to visit since that time. He was blunt and dead serious when telling me that he would not be ending his 'friendship' with her for any relationship although he would be willing to put their visits on hold because of course they always had sex during these times. He then told me that in fact, I reminded him of her and sent me some of her unsolicited pictures. Obviously this was a HUGE red flag but as I have been accustomed to, I ignored it. Instead I latched on to his opinion of our similarities and to make myself even more appealing to him, I would send him pictures of myself where I copied her poses, facial expressions, and hairstyles. When I think of this now, I am heartbroken at how quickly I erased myself to be what he wanted. (Like her.) I am posting one of the pictures that I took for him to remind me of how far I have come. Always be yourself!!!!

Milestones and an anniversary!

It's been awhile since I posted  so I decided to provide a quick update. I am doing well both in my recovery and my life in general. I am 910 days sober from love addiction and quickly approaching 21 months alcohol free and 2300 days cigarette free. I just finished a SLAA phone meeting; first I have attended in many months. I am glad I joined the call, it always feels wonderful to know you aren't alone and be reminded to trust in Higher Power. 

My job continues to go extremely well, in fact I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful to have such a great job with fantastic coworkers. (My one year workiversary was last week! 😊)

Grad school is going just as well, I am planning to graduate next year although I will say the experience is just as rewarding as the degree will be. 

My day to day life has changed very little since the COVID-19 pandemic. However it has still affected me due to the seriousness of the virus and my knowledge of previous pandemics. 

In all honesty, I have noticed myself fantasizing much more about men and sex than I have in quite awhile. Obviously I am trying to use this as an escape but I need to remind myself that those thoughts are harming me rather than helping. Being mindful of my thoughts and maintaining self-care as well as a conscious contact with Higher Power will help me to get these thoughts under control. 

Sobriety and the coronavirus

Today marks 860 days of sobriety from love and sex addiction as well as 582 days sober from alcohol. My recovery continues to go well; in fact it has exceeded all my expectations! The more time that passes, the less appealing dating seems to be. Of course I miss companionship and physical touch; a backrub or a night of cuddling would be nice every now and then but those things are definitely not worth dating before I am truly ready to do so.

To that end, I have been faithfully attending EMDR sessions to work through my various trauma issues and so far, so good! I knew I liked EMDR from the moment I heard about it from the therapist I was interning with last year and sure enough, it's been extremely helpful to me and I just started! 🙂 I really like my therapist as well which as I know from my own work is extremely important!

Moving on to my last topic of this post: coronavirus. I have been struggling with this particularly since Wednesday when WHO informed that this is now a pandemic. I have been anxious and worried since this news broke partly because I have always struggled with worry and anxiety but also because I spent inordinate amounts of time researching and reading about the 1918 Spanish influenza pandemic. The many similarities between this one and that are eerie. Because of the fact that the 1918 pandemic was such a cataclysmic and disastrous event for the entire world, the parallels between the past and the present time are quite scary indeed. But I am attempting to deal with the fear and uncertainty the same way I have learned to deal with everything: acceptance, prayer, and an unwavering faith in God! Stay healthy and DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

Day #839

Today is 839 days of sobriety. I decided to post a quick update because I have not posted since the beginning of the year. Things continue to go extremely well for me; school and work included. I will graduate with my master's next year and I have continued to maintain a 4.0. I am becoming much more at ease with my job and I absolutely adore my coworkers!

Obviously I have maintained my sobriety from love and sex addiction as well as alcohol. Honestly when I started this journey, I never could have predicted how happy and content I would be with my life. Quite frankly, the longer I am single, the more I find myself not wanting to bother getting into another relationship. I mean, why would I when I am this happy alone? In a few weeks, I will reach my 28 month milestone upon which I will post another update. 😊

In with the new, out with the old........

I have enjoyed the beginning of the new year and the start of a new decade. When I think of the new decade in particular, I find myself envisioning a blank slate where all my dreams can be written if I believe and take the actions necessary to achieve them.
Things have continued to go well for me since my last update. The spring semester (Semester 5 of 9) started this past week and I am already pumped regarding the courses' content. I am taking an upper level child policy class as well as a CBT advanced direct practice class. I am very much looking forward to the CBT class because I think the techniques in that therapeutic approach are very effective. Also, changing my negative core beliefs is something that I have needed to do for a long time.
I wanted to update on my last post regarding the guy I had recently began to talk to. Not long into our conversations, I started to notice that I was having a bad feeling; my intuition seemed to be warning me and I started to get anxiety when I thought of or communicated with him. After centering myself, I decided to realistically examine the situation. Honestly there were red flags all over the situation so when I did not receive any further messages from him after last Saturday night, I deleted him from my phone and clearly did not communicate with him further. I am very grateful that this opportunity presented itself though because I have learned two things: 1. I have made drastic and positive changes in the interactions that I have with men and 2. I am not even close to being ready to start dating again! So now I am back to the peace and serenity of my single life which I couldn't be more thankful for! 😊

New Year's Reflections

Day #786 of sobriety and Day #1 of 2020! I figured that today would be the perfect day for a blog post.

Here's an update on me since my last post: I successfully completed the fall semester and my foundation placement. Currently I am maintaining a 4.0 GPA in the MSW program. I have continued to maintain my commitment to myself to not engage in acting out behaviors and to that end, I have not kissed, touched, or had sex with a man since 2017. It has been nice to actually get to know myself and work on loving me. My life is calm, peaceful, and serene and I am content with my life in a way that I have never been before. 

With that being said, I have started talking to a guy fairly recently that I am interested in. I met him online unexpectedly and we have been communicating frequently. He lives in my area and we have discussed getting together for coffee. I am both surprised and puzzled by this turn of events. While it's very obvious to me in my interactions with him that I have made a great deal of progress since 2017, I have also had a new realization: I do not have the foggiest clue of what constitutes the beginning of a healthy relationship. I have caught myself on multiple occasions overthinking things because this is all new to me! I have no idea if these conversations will lead anywhere and if they do, what that will consist of. However I have made substantial progress in managing anxiety (thank you, anxious attachment style) and having respect and integrity in my interactions with him so for that, I am pretty proud of myself. I plan to maintain my boundaries and accept things as they are and for what they are, no matter what that entails. Even if these conversations don't lead to anything meaningful, I can always gain some valuable knowledge to add to my relationship toolbox. I will be posting relevant updates, stay tuned!!! Happy New Year! ❤