Stop Comparing!!!

If you speak to any of my close family members or friends, they would tell you that one of my worst habits is comparing myself with others. I have been guilty of this harmful behavior for as early as I can remember. Matter of fact, when I was in grade school, I would attempt to soothe my bullied self with the fact that I got much higher grades than said bullies. I viewed it as a small win but a win nonetheless. I have recently decided to change this pointless and harmful habit of mine. Here are several tips to assist me in this process, from PsychologyToday.com:




How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Break the habit of feeling insecure, envious, and discontented with your life.
By: Dr. Susan Biali Haas

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” — Theodore Roosevelt

Who do you most frequently compare yourself to?

If you’re not sure, try this question: Who have you compared yourself to in the last 24 hours?

If you’re still not sure, think of the last time you checked your Facebook or Instagram feed. Which updates made you feel envious, or made you feel as if your life paled in comparison? In turn, did any posts make you feel smug, or better than that person?

The comparison game—or war—is as old as humanity.

I avoid mindlessly scrolling through social media feeds as much as possible. As part of my work (I speak and write about wellness, resilience, burnout and mental health), I read the studies that show that time on social media feeds increases depression and envy and decreases well-being. This motivates me to use social media purposefully, specifically choosing what I will look at and keeping it to a minimum.

I almost always regret it when I let my guard down and start scrolling. I’ll inevitably see something that makes me feel bad about myself or my life, or something else that makes me feel envious, that I’m missing something from my life that others have (something I probably wasn't even thinking of until I saw it). I posted about the comparison trap the other day on Facebook, and a senior citizen posted a comment that made my heart ache:

“Reading about everyone’s vacations kills me. Not in my budget, ever. And these posts never stop.”

I’ve written previously about developing awareness about the impact of your social media posts on others. I stopped posting pictures from my vacations years ago. Share those, perhaps, with a limited audience, maybe close family and friends who really want to see them. But…ask yourself first if they really want to see them. Before you show anything to anyone, review what you know about their life. When’s the last time they went on a tropical vacation? Maybe they dream of going to the tropics but have never had (and may never have) the opportunity. You’d be surprised how many people don’t actually enjoy pictures of you lounging by a clear blue sea with a coconut drink in your hand.

Back to Roosevelt’s quote about comparison being the thief of joy. In addition to cultivating awareness with respect to inadvertently (or advertently) provoking comparison and therefore stealing the joy of others, become a student of how you squander your own contentedness by getting sucked into the comparison trap.

Here are some tips:

1. Become aware of, and avoid, your triggers.

Start noticing the situations that cause you to play the comparison game. Social media, as I’ve mentioned, is a big one for most of us. What about other circumstances? Is there a certain person who is constantly bragging about this or that, or asks you questions about your life that are designed to make you feel inferior? Are there certain activities, such as strolling through a high-end shopping mall, or driving through an expensive neighborhood, that frequently make you feel discontented with your life (when you were feeling just fine about your life, an hour before)?

Make a list of who and what you frequently envy or compare yourself to. Write how each negatively affects you, and why it’s actually a waste of your time. Resolve to catch yourself next time. Avoid comparison triggers if you can, especially if the activity or contact doesn’t add meaning or any real value to your life.

2. Remind yourself that other people’s “outsides” can’t be compared to your “insides”

This is such a helpful habit to cultivate. Unless you’re really close to someone, you can’t use their outward appearance to judge the reality of their life. People carefully curate the social media versions of their lives, and do the same with the lives they live out publicly. You may have had the experience, as I have, of being shocked when a couple that appeared to be happy and solid announce their divorce. Continue to wish others well, of course, but in the event that their life gives you reason to feel bad about yours, remind yourself that you don’t actually know what goes on behind closed doors.

3. Repeat whenever necessary: “Money doesn’t buy happiness, and never will”

It’s well established that wealth, beyond having the basics in life, isn’t associated with increased happiness or well-being. I used to perform flamenco dance at an exclusive resort frequented by celebrities and the mega-wealthy, and a manager there once told me that she’d never seen so many unhappy people in her life. Money and things provide temporary boosts of joy; their inevitable inability to provide lasting sustenance is usually more disappointing than anything else.


4. Be grateful for the good in your life, and resist any lies that shout “It’s not enough”

If you commit yourself to being deeply grateful for what’s good in your life, and remind yourself of it daily, you’ll be far less vulnerable to comparison and envy. If someone or something triggers that ugly feeling of negative comparison, stop and remind yourself of what’s good in your life, right now. There is so much.

5. Use comparison as motivation to improve what actually matters

This human propensity to want what others have is such a waste of time, unless what you see and “covet” in another is something of deep worth, such as their generosity or kindness. Who do you admire? What kinds of comparisons might actually be healthy for you? For example, there are women I know well who are extraordinarily kind and generous wives, mothers, and friends. They truly make a difference in their worlds, and I want to be more and more like them. Who inspires you to live better, in the way that matters most? Spend your precious time and thoughts on this, instead.

Imagine if you could elevate the comparison game to a useful art form. Stop falling prey to its dark underbelly, which does little more than increase feelings of misery and lack in your life. Use comparison, instead, to become a better person and maybe even make your little corner of the world a better place.

Sobriety milestone reflections

Today marks 450 days of sobriety. As I say in every milestone post I write, I am so proud of myself to have made it this far! I have noticed many positive results since I stopped acting out. One of these results I just identified today and that is being more involved in the lives of my loved ones. My mom is having a health issue and I texted her midafternoon from my office for an update. As I was doing this, I realized how I am able to be present for these exchanges in a way in which I was not capable of when I was involved in my active addiction. I have also noticed similar positive changes in my relationship with my son. My son will be 7 on Monday and I cannot express how grateful I am that I entered recovery when I did. I want to remain present and accessible to him always and my disease made that impossible.
So, happy 450 days to me! 😊

Sextimacy

I recently started reading a book entitled "Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy" by Jill Weber. I swear to God, it's like she wrote this book about me! I can't put it down; it truly resonates with me that much! I did a Google search for sextimacy and I found this article posted on Medium.com:

Sextimacy — One woman’s pursuit to find emotional intimacy through sex
By: Vidya Sasidharan

Jan 29, 2015

So, I came across this article, primarily excerpts from a book called “Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy” — by Jill P. Weber

I haven’t actually read the book but the preview itself was really eye opening. I had previously never heard of sextimacy, or anything to that effect even. Hell I didn’t even know it was possible, but it accurately sums up to a T my entire last year. I think, sadly, that I might be in denial to some extent. I am also highly confused. One moment I know exactly what I want and am in total control of everything, and the next I am a total disaster.. it’s like being drawn back to square one again and again. I told myself at the start of 2015, that this year would be different. To some degree, it has been so far, in that I have lost almost every desire to connect with a man. I don’t even use Tinder any longer because it has simply lost its appeal to me. Not that I’m complaining, it’s just that just a few months ago I was so drawn into it that if anyone told me I wouldn’t be using it at all, (voluntarily mind you), I probably would have laughed. But hey, it’s true.
But, I am also human, and given that I do work right smack in the middle of the CBD area where all the banks and law firms are, the pile of eye-candy is ever growing, and needless to say, I am never unsatisfied, so to speak. But you know, that’s not important… *smirk*
Yet all I want to do is appreciate from a nice distance. Don’t need to exchange numbers or even have a deep memorable conversation. Small talk is fine. But even with that my patience / desire to engage in pointless conversations is dying.. and so, I just don’t bother. Maybe I’m too tired, too exhausted from all the disappointments and heartache that I caused myself all this while. Who knows. Now, here comes the dilemma.
Having said all the above, I also find myself craving for something more. I’m ashamed to admit this, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I do more often than not, wonder if I’m doing something wrong, and what the hell exactly I’m doing that is resulting in such a monotonous and mundane non-existent state of affairs where my ‘love life’ is concerned. Seriously, the last relationship was over 2 years ago now, and even he, with all his asshole tendencies and idiocy, has apparently managed to find himself a partner, in the same year that we broke up. I, on the other hand, have had a string of nothings, and already have felt pain that comes with multiple failed relationships, without actually having said relationships. How messed up is that? That’s where I start to wonder, what’s wrong with me? WRONG. Why do I keep doing that? There is NOTHING wrong with me. I keep telling myself this, in hopes that it will get drilled into my thick skull one day. Although yesterday I found myself flooded with this emotion of “I frickin’ love my body and myself today” up until last night.. which I naturally milked to death.
I’m ashamed to admit that I think deep down I do desire one of those highly sought after deep connections and meaningful relationships with a man who is a good match for me. Stupid right? Not really. Why should it be? It’s in the very essence and spirit of the human race to desire a connection and romantic relations with another person, be it the same or opposite sex, you know, whatever you fancy really. But why have I somehow conditioned myself to buy this nonsense about how wanting a man to be with is the ultimate sign of weakness? How did that happen? I guess maybe I”ve been so obsessed with trying so desperately to prove that hello, I don’t need no man, I can do it on my own. Anything he can do, I can jolly well do better. And you know, there’s some nifty toys out there, (or so I hear….) so since purely on technicality, men are really only needed for biological progress of the human race, who needs emotional intimacy or even sexual pleasures, right?
Again, sadly not. I guess I should stop beating myself up so much about the things I truly desire. OR maybe I should figure out what the hell it is that I want first. I really don’t think relationships are a good idea, particularly because of how much of an epic mess my life is right now, but then again, there are perks of being in one, eh? Perhaps, it is just loneliness that’s getting the better of me. Then I delve right into work, hoping to redeem whatever’s left but screw up there too and emerge emptier and more desperate than ever before.
And then, of course, I turn, right back to the source of my sextimacy cycle, the good ol’ D-bag.

Dealing with anger in a positive way

After yet another toxic and hurtful interaction with my ex-husband (my son's father) this evening, I started to ponder why he always seems to be angry every time I try to speak with him about concerns that I have regarding our son. I have tried to approach this person using every possible method I can think of and nothing seems to work. Almost every interaction bar none turns into verbal insults and degrading comments where nothing constructive is ever achieved. Because of my uncomfortable feelings after this exchange, I think I found an article that finally provides a comforting answer. From SelfGrowth.com:


How to Maintain a Positive Attitude When Someone Lashes Out at You in Anger
By: Cindy Holbrook

When someone lashes out at you in anger what does it really mean?

People who are judgmental and harsh towards others usually disapprove of something within themselves. It could be that they see a trait in you that they desire for themselves or one that they dislike about themselves.

An important thing to remember when someone disapproves of you – is that it is not you. They are projecting their perceived lack onto you – so you see, it’s really all about them. The same is true when you disapprove of someone else. If you disapprove of someone it’s time you do some personal emotional housecleaning.

Remember, you do not have to accept what the other person is dishing out. Here is an insightful story attributed to Buddha …

Buddha was travelling through the country accompanied by several people. One of these men decided to test Buddha and began responding negatively to everything Buddha said. For several days this man continued with disparaging, insulting and hurtful remarks. He verbally abused Buddha by calling him a fool and ridiculing him in any way he could.

After verbally abusing Buddha for three days, the man asked Buddha, “how can you continue to be so kind and loving when all I’ve done for the last three days is dishonor and offend you? With every rude and obnoxious remark you have always responded in a kind manner – How can this be?”

Buddha quietly turned to the man and asked this simple – yet profound question, “If someone offers you a gift, and you do not accept that gift, to whom the gift belongs?”

So if someone is offering you an unwelcome gift of rudeness, anger or hostility – Don’t accept it. As long as you do not accept it, there is no reason for you to be sad or angry about it as it does not belong to you – it belongs to them.

Be prepared for challenging times! They happen to all of us. The more you love and accept yourself – the more confident you are – the more positive you are – The easier it will be for you to shrug off anger that is thrown your way.

Keep in mind that you reap what you sow. Practice the following on a daily basis:

Increase Loving Energy

Visualize something that you love. It could be your baby’s smile, a large vibrant painting or a beautiful butterfly. Visualizing will bring forth a feeling of love deep inside of you. Take slow deep breaths and repeat to yourself “Let love flow through me.”

Emotional Housecleaning

You should be on a lifelong journey of improving yourself. Check for any un-forgiveness, anger or other depressing thoughts. By constantly weeding out these negative emotions you are allowing positive loving energy to flow to you and through you.

Clear Your Mind

Meditate, practice yoga and/or physical exercise. All of these help clear your mind which enables you to stay calm during stressful situations and to be able to make better decisions.

Assertiveness

I have needed to gain more assertiveness throughout my entire life but I feel like this need has recently gained more urgency due to some interpersonal issues that I have been having with some people. Of course when I want knowledge, I go to the best source (Google!) to find it. Check out this fantastic article that I found on Psychology Today:

How—And How Not—to Stand Up for Yourself

When is assertiveness nothing more than self-righteous defensiveness?

By: Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D.

It’s become conventional wisdom that it’s essential to stand up for yourself. But there are ways of doing so that are hardly advisable. Ways that will hurt both you and your relationship. Ways that will prevent you from confronting the person most needing to be confronted—yourself.

Out of context at least, assertiveness is always a good thing. Candidly letting others know what you need and desire—as well as how you feel—demonstrates personal dignity, self-confidence, and -respect. Moreover, it can make others much more sensitive to the validity, or legitimacy, of your outlook. In effect, you’re saying: “Look, I matter. I need you to take my point of view and feelings into account. Maybe you don’t think my position is as good as yours—but I still think it deserves to be taken seriously.”

People who are non-assertive—that is, passive, verbally withholding, or overly deferential—generally don’t (and can’t) get their basic relational needs met. So they end up feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and unfulfilled. Ironically, though, individuals who are more aggressive than assertive similarly wind up feeling “cut off” from others, despite being much better at getting others to do their bidding. But through insistent, “bullying” demands and projecting the message that their own (ego-centered) needs are unquestionably more vital, more valuable, than anybody else’s, they eventually alienate those around them.

Assertiveness, then, would seem to represent the golden mean. And though, in general, it is, it’s also possible to be more combative or contentious in your assertiveness than you realize. If you resolutely proclaim the righteousness of your position without attending to the other’s wants, needs, and feelings, you’ll be perceived as aggressive—regardless of what may be your conscious intention simply to stand up for yourself.

And being seen this way—not as assertive, but as self-righteously defensive—is precisely what I have in mind when I allude to the unfortunate downside of (incorrectly) standing up for yourself.

Although you may not mean to aggress against the other person(s), whenever your assertive declarations are imbued with a certain self-righteousness, you can’t help but convey the message that your perspective really is more important than theirs—that it’s superior, and so ought to be given priority. In such instances, you’re simply unwilling to consider that the other person’s position is—in the world of their experience—just as sincere, authentic, or heartfelt as yours, and held with every bit as much conviction.

Inadvertently, you may be employing a double standard: one blatantly biased in your favor. Totally convinced that your way of thinking is the only “right” one, you lose the capacity to detach from it and honor the personal validity of the other’s viewpoint. And so, inevitably, your whole attitude toward them becomes dismissive. In reaction to feeling made wrong by them, you hasten to make them feel wrong in return.

. . . And—finally—doesn’t this all come under the heading: “Two wrongs don’t make a right”?

Obviously, once you’ve invalidated the other’s point of view, the opportunity for any productive discussion or problem-solving all but disappears. For the mutual good will requisite for resolving differences is missing in action. It’s one thing to have dissimilar preferences or needs. Or to interpret a situation differently. But it’s quite another to self-righteously stand up for your position as the only reasonable

one. And such failed assertiveness (for true assertiveness always takes into account the thoughts and feelings of others) is not only discourteous and disrespectful, but almost certain to defeat your purpose.

Adamantly standing up for yourself can also be taken as ridiculing, offensive, belittling, or belligerent. In which case, the other’s response is all the more likely to be similarly attacking, defensive—or to prompt them to withdraw from you altogether. For you’re insisting on the singular “correctness” of your viewpoint without the slightest acknowledgment that, for them, their viewpoint may feel equally true.

At times, standing up for yourself can be virtually synonymous with defensiveness. If you’re too fearful or insecure to look within at your own possible weakness or wrongdoing, you may feel compelled to stubbornly defend your viewpoint—unwilling to explore its possible irrationality. If in feeling criticized your irresistible, knee-jerk reaction is to fight back, you may not be able to realistically assess whether perhaps it’s you who needs to reconsider your position, or to change in some way. So long as the situation feels threatening, you’ll remain closed to what the other has to say, unable to consider that this could be a time to take in their message rather than reflexively repudiate it.

So, if you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions, here are a few suggestions. Before standing up for yourself in any particular circumstance:

Consider where the other person is coming from. What do you think their thoughts and feelings might be? Could you begin simply by asking them?—or, before you respond, take into account what at least you imagine might be going on with them?

How much do you really need to justify, or explain, yourself? Might it be enough simply to say that since your backgrounds and life experiences differ, it’s only natural that you wouldn’t see eye-to-eye on this matter?

Think of how you can, non-attackingly, best clarify your perspective to them—that is, in a way that’s neither self-righteous (i.e., expounding on the superiority of your position) nor overly defensive (i.e., strenuously seeking to discredit or reject their unfavorable impression of you).

Assure yourself that—without your consent—no one has the authority to invalidate you. That, unless you’ve been in flagrant denial about the facts of the situation, the prerogative to judge the validity of your thoughts and feelings belongs to you alone. And that you hardly need take up arms against someone else’s viewpoint.

Once you’ve learned how to mindfully stand up for yourself, you’ll find that you’ve greatly increased the odds that whatever you have to say will be better understood—and given more weight—than may ever have been the case previously.

Trusting my intuition

I was just reading about the famous Milgram psychology experiment in my social research book and I noticed that brought up thoughts about intuition. Namely how I have never trusted nor listened to mine. I decided to find a good article about this topic and I did on mindbodygreen.com:

7 Tricks To Uncover & Trust Your Intuition
By Laura McDonald

"You're listening to your intuition." These were the words I heard recently from a mentor and for once in my life, I finally believed it.
But how did this happen? What finally lead me to this place of listening to my intuition?
Deep down I always knew it was there, but uncovering and trusting my intuition didn't happen overnight — it was a long process and even oftentimes a struggle.
Here are seven ways I've learned to uncover and trust in my intuition:
1. Identify and release your core-beliefs.
We all carry around "core-beliefs" about ourselves. They are formed from the time we are born and continue to be shaped by circumstances, our environment, the interactions we experience growing up in our home, etc. And these beliefs like nothing better than to rule us. It's like we're strapped alongside an alter-ego kamikaze pilot who is hell bent on taking us down, even though we're begging to stay above the clouds and soar.
Identifying what we "think" about ourselves, feeling and moving through the negativity, the pain, and accepting everything that has happened to us along the way, allows us the opportunity to move forward and start trusting our intuition.
2. Let go of childhood hurt.
Like many people chugging away in this world, my childhood was far from perfect. There are the great memories and and the not so great memories. Now that I'm a mother of three myself, I can look back and appreciate how difficult it is to raise kids (even though they bring us so much joy).
I've learned to love and accept my parents for who they are and have gratitude and respect for everything they've done for me. Letting go of "blaming" my parents for my adult choices was so HUGE! Do what you need to do to let go of your childhood hurt. If you don't, it will only hold you back in all areas of your life and continue to snuff out your innate ability to trust in your intuition.
3. Listen to your gut.
Intellectually most of us know what this means: Follow that voice in your heart, listen to your gut, the answer is within you.
It sounds simple, but for me it was developed over time by allowing myself to evolve and move forward, instead of wallowing in self-doubt. I remember so many instances in my life when I quashed my gut's opinion and did what I thought I was "suppose" to do, instead of what I knew in my gut was right.
Most often, my choices didn't net the best results and then I'd waste even more time fretting over why I had made that stupid decision in the first place. Trust in the gut — it knows best!
4. Find meditation in unlikely places.
I started with "walking meditations" which suited my passion for being outdoors, and now I can sit quietly for a few minutes on my little cushion on most mornings. Sometimes I sneak in an opportunity to meditate on the subway, while waiting in a doctors office, or on a park bench while my dog plays in the grass.
What I love about meditating is the space we find in between, where one thought has ended and another one hasn't quite yet begun. We can rest, reflect and rejuvenate in that natural, quiet space. This is where understanding, clarity and compassion are born and nurtured. It's a safe space to get to know yourself — to sit in the stillness, to tune into what is within. Regular meditation, wherever you do it, keeps our intuition fresh and present.
5. Forgive self-harm.
We've all got our own form of self-harm (over-indulging, isolating, boozing, etc.). But the biggest harm we do to ourselves is by staying stuck, staying ignorant in our beliefs that we aren't worthy. When step away from self-harm — when we begin to look at ourselves with compassion and forgiveness — we begin to let down the angry guard that wants to punish us and instead, fill up that space with loving, mindfulness.
We can now begin to tap into our gut on a deeper level.
6. Break the bonds of attachments and resentments.
For years I couldn't easily part with things like old books, junk stuffed in a drawer, a tangled mess of costume jewelry, and most importantly, anger and resentments I'd let fester and grow. I was hanging onto the feelings that were attached to these things.
When we release our grip on deep-rooted resentments and attachments, we give ourself permission to fully let go. We begin to create the space we need to relax and trust ourselves. We begin to listen to and to rely on our intuition.
7. Come home to yourself.
It's easy to get into the habit of compulsively searching, seeking, and rushing from one thing to the next, to keep ourselves distracted from uncomfortable feelings. Stop running away from yourself and instead, run toward yourself. Trust that you hold the answers. When we feel at home with ourselves we begin to feel safe in the world and we start to listen and pay attention to our intuition.
Wherever you are is home.
The bottom line is we are all a work in progress. It takes patience, practice and a willingness for self-discovery, but once you awaken and connect with your intuition, anything is possible.

Toxic people

From PowerofPositivity.com:

10 Behaviors Toxic People Display Before Revealing Themselves

The idea of letting go of “toxic people”in your life is a trending theme lately. And, for good reason. Recent studies show that healthy relationships lower stress and contribute to good mental, emotional and physical health.

On the flip side, in a long-term study done with 10,000 subjects over the course of over 12 years, researchers found that subjects with more negative,toxic relationships were at greater risk for heart disease than their counterparts with more positive relationships.
Toxic relationships can come in many forms – parents, siblings, partner, friends, co-worker, etc, and of course, no real relationship is 100% perfect at all times. Labeling someone as “toxic” to you, doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person and in no way an attempt to associate a human being with contamination in the literal sense. It also does’t mean to ditch people when they are going through hard times.
But, it does mean to evaluate the people in your life and how they make you feel on a consistent basis. Some people are just literally hardwired to be toxic, and usually from years and years of negative rewiring. So, how do you know if someone is really a toxic person?

Here are 10 things to never ignore from toxic people:

1. Toxic people apologize to no one.

Expecting a toxic person to apologize is like asking North Korea to embrace diplomacy: completely out of the realm of possibility.
They’ll construct an elaborate lie before admitting any fault, no matter how obvious. The cool thing is, as rational human beings, we don’t require some faulty rationale to move on. We can choose to realize and accept toxic manipulation – an action permitting us to move forward without regret.

2. They make you “prove your worthiness”.

Unsurprisingly, toxic people bear a stark resemblance to the narcissistic. They’ll make you choose between something that’ll benefit your life, or decide to hang around with them a bit longer. In the event that you choose the former, the dramatic firework show will undoubtedly commence.
Forget it. Move on. You have one person – and one person only – for which you need to prove something to.

3. Toxic people project, not reflect.

Projection is nothing more than psychological manipulation. Rather than take ownership of their feelings, they’re more likely to blame you as the source.This may be as simple as “You’ve been in a bad mood all day,” or “Your attitude is really bringing me down.”
Remember, this psychological manipulation has nothing to do with you. It’s all about them. It always has been and will continue to be.

4. They are hardwired for Manipulation.

It isn’t uncommon for someone that’s been involved in a toxic relationship to reveal what they now recognize as deliberately manipulative acts.
Attribute such realizations to entitlement, lack of self-esteem, or outright selfishness. The chances are that this manipulation is so deeply ingrained that even the most selfless and benevolent among us are unable to appease such outrageous and devious behavior.

5. Their “true self” is never revealed.

One day, the person is loving and attentive; another, they’re distant and abusive. That’s how they want it to be. That’s how they maintain control.
Good-hearted people will almost always attempt to understand someone else’s problems – and contribute to some kind of solution. The problem is that there is no real “problem,” and a “solution” is nothing more than a mirage. Most of the time, their thought process is filled with toxic thoughts.

6. They’ll ruin the occasion.

Have some great news to share? You’re better off not involving someone toxic. Did you receive a raise? Plan a vacation? Adjust your schedule to become more available?

Toxic people have a way of contorting any positive news into something negative. That’s their nature. It sucks. But again, you don’t have to participate.

7. Irrelevancy is irrelevant.

Solving a problem that involves more than one person requires cohesiveness. Unfortunately, toxic people are utterly incapable of reciprocating what is, to most of us, a natural and fair response.
Instead, they’ll (once again) deviate from any sense of responsibility while redirecting your attention to an unrelated matter that may (but probably did not) result from your actions. Solving a problem is not important to toxic people. They’re more at home creating one of their own.

8. Mannerisms matter all of a sudden.

On a related note, toxic people have a way of pointing out any and all acts of “division.” Sigh at the dinner table? Convey a frustrated tone over the phone? Anticipate and expect a toxic person to, all of a sudden, display a memory of someone with a 160-plus IQ.

9. Disparagement…

Though you could likely allocate hours (days?) droning on about a toxic person’s offenses, you don’t. Why? Well, because you’re a decent human being with a good heart.
On the other hand, toxic people refuse to allow such “transgressions” to fall by the wayside. In their disillusioned sense of reality, they’ll insist on making any perceived shortcoming a pain point. Why? Well, to get their way, of course.

10. Exaggeration…

How we could go on and on about this last one…but we’ll desist.
Shockingly, toxic people embellish their accomplishments while depreciating anyone else’s. It’s not about them…so they don’t care. (The previous sentence may indeed explain human toxicity in the most accurate, concise way possible.)

Don't EVER settle!!!

Today I realized that I need to make a change in my life and that change needs to come sooner rather than later. I found many articles posted online about this topic but this one resonated with me the most. From OdysseyOnline.com:

Don't Settle

Your dream life is out there, go get it.

By: Abigail Roenne

Deciding not to settle will be the greatest decision you have ever made in your entire life. Settling for mediocre in things like your career and relationship will only create resentment in the end and a long list of what ifs. Sadly, there are no do-overs and every second counts; so choose the path that you love and don't settle for any less. Do the things you love and drop the things you don't. Being insecure and tentative about your life is a waste of time. You only get one, respect yourself enough to only accept the absolute best and go for it.

Choosing the path that is less traveled can be scary, but what good ever comes out of a comfort zone? No matter what you decide to do in life, do it for you. Either way life is hard, sometimes ruthless. That is why choosing not to settle should be a priority in everyones life, even though at times it may seem the easiest thing to do. So what I really want to convey is that life is just too short not to do so. Years from now you want to be able to say you choseyour life and that you did not settle for the things placed right in front of you. Just because it is easy in the moment, does not mean it will make you happier in the long run. Value yourself enough to make the right decisions for you.

Why accept good, when it can be great? Or great, when it can be even greater? The people that love you enough, will rise to the standards you set. The career you want can be accomplished with the right drive and passion. Respect yourself enough to want the absolute best for yourself. The vibe you put off with believing in that will attract the right attention and make them stay. Lowering your standards and settling for the boy who is just "there" is selling yourself short for the great things God has in store for you.

The quote is true, 'we accept the love we think we deserve.' The right people will surprise you and rise to the standards you set. How you think of yourself will impact how others perceive you and how they act toward you. Respect yourself so much that you have zero tolerance for jerks and people that will bring you down in life. God loves you so much he gave it all to pursue you and have a passionate relationship with you, a man who chases God will chase you the same way. God will bring you the perfect partner in life, but desperately searching for it will distract you from self growth and create insecurities that don't need to be there from searching for something that will come. His timing is perfect.

There is nothing wrong with having high standards in life. Although they might make others feel uncomfortable the right people will rise up to them and stay. Know your worth and never settle for less. You offer so much to the world, to that job market, to a relationship... Know that. And if you do not, fake it till you make it because eventually, you will begin to believe it. The journey that comes with this mentality is not an easy one but who said anything great in life, was easy?

The woman that exudes confidence, passion, and independence that demands respect is one to watch out for. Too many times in life I have had friends say, "I can never pull that off." Why? Life is too short for needing constant validation, do what makes you happy and never settle. No need for excuses or gratification, because you only get one shot so live with everything you have.
Your dream life is out there, go get it.

Self-validation

I found a superb article on the topic of self-validation on Psychcentral.com:

Seeking Validation from the Wrong People Is Self-Destructive

By Darius Cikanavicius

People who have been abused, mistreated, hurt, or wronged in any other way almost universally seek validation. We talk to others, tell our stories, write about it, and express it in other ways.
Even perpetrators do it because, in their mind, they are the ones being wronged even though they are the ones harming others—but that’s a separate topic. Here, we will only talk about people who were actually wronged and we will exclude scenarios where a perpetrator seeks validation or actually receives enabling.
Everyone in their own mind wants to make sense out of their painful experiences and be validated that they are right. A commonly used way is to talk about it with others. The most productive scenario is probably to seek professional help, assuming that you can find a competent enough helper, be it a therapist, life coach, counselor, social worker, etc. But, depending on the situation, sometimes friends, family, or even strangers can do the trick.

Seeking Validation in the Wrong Places

Sadly, many people don’t have close, trusting, mature relationships. A lot of people have unsatisfying or unhealthy relationships. And so they seek validation, understanding, compassion, and support from people who are unable or unwilling to provide it.
So many people have heard phrases like, “Just get over it,” “It’s not a big deal,” “Don’t be a pussy,” “They’re your family,” “Don’t live in the past,” “How dare you blame your mother/father?” “They didn’t mean it,” “It made you stronger,” “You’re so negative,” “You swore for better or worse, together no matter what,” and so on.
Receiving such a response when you open up and share your pain can be devastating, even retraumatizing, especially coming from someone close or who is a professional. Here, people who don’t have a support system or are easily gaslighted experience confusion, self-blame, shame, and guilt. They simply wanted empathy and compassion for their pain, but encountered invalidation, minimization, dismissal, blaming, ridiculing, or guilt-tripping.
Way too often people seek validation, empathy, and compassion from the very people that hurt them. In many cases it is so because the aggrieved party is psychologically dependent on the perpetrator or even experience Stockholm syndrome. This is especially common in families where the adult-child is trying to make the caregiver accept parental responsibility and on an unconscious level desperately tries to gain love and acceptance from them.
This stepping on the same rake and repeatedly getting hurt and disappointed continues until the person accepts the perpetrator for who they are and becomes independent from them. This is the essence of repetition-compulsion in this kind of situation. Seeking compassion and support from the wrong people is futile and self-destructive. It is incredibly important to realistically estimate these encounters and accept that, perhaps, we are looking for empathy and validation in the wrong places. Only then can we actually heal, reclaim our life, and thrive.

Learning Self-Validation

People who seek external validation have difficulties accepting their painful experience and where they were wronged. They have difficulties resolving it. Some even struggle with recognizing that it happened. Or the scale and impact of it. Or even the fact that someone they trusted and who had power over them hurt them when they were small and vulnerable. They may even struggle to recognize their emotional reactions (anger, depression).
Wounded people want to know that they were not in the wrong and that they are not bad human beings, and many look for external sources for that confirmation. If they don’t receive it or if they are met with invalidation, they continue to feel that they deserved it, or that what happened to them was not wrong. For many, such programming is already set in our childhood where we are routinely hurt, invalidated, and raised to believe that it was our fault or that it wasn’t that bad. This cascade of reaction may be easily triggered and is generally confusing in and of itself.
However, after doing some self-work and becoming mentally stronger, we learn to validate ourselves. We learn how to evaluate our experiences realistically, without denial, minimization, or exaggeration. Then, we rarely look for others for validation. We learn to trust our memories. We learn to accept the pain and everything it brings up. We identify, understand, and resolve our emotions better. We no longer seek empathy and compassion from people who can’t give it to us.
We know how to empathize with ourselves and validate our hurts without needing approval or acceptance from others. We also recognize that, even if nobody accepts or even hears about our pain, it is real and valid. Even if nobody recognizes our hurts, or even supports the perpetrator, we are still right. We don’t have to prove or show it to others—it is important and just regardless.
Deep inside, we understand that others don’t define us. You define you. And you are who you are, not what others think you are, for better or worse. Embrace it.

Tips for overwhelming times

Today has been a horribly rotten day and as the day has progressed, I have been feeling increasingly overwhelmed. I thought that maybe once I got home for the evening that feeling would dissipate but no such luck, I continue getting hit with an onslaught of tasks I must do. Because I am beside myself with worry and anxiety, I decided to read this article from Lifehack.org:


8 Important Things to Remember When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed
By: Braden Thompson

Feeling overwhelmed is a natural part of life. Everyone feels overwhelmed by expectations, responsibilities and lacking of time at work, in relationships and other aspects of life once in a while. But dwelling on that feeling is dangerous.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stuck with more than you can handle, here are 8 things to keep in mind to help you get through it.

1. Humans have always had the same problems.
You’re not alone. People have struggled with the same problems for years.

Everyday, millions of people conquer overwhelming feelings and come out happy and alive on the other side.

Humans are built to overcome and succeed. We are not built to fail.

Feeling overwhelmed is a natural part of life, but dwelling on that feeling is dangerous. You have to believe you can overcome.

2. It’s just a breakdown of your thoughts, not a breakdown of your actual life.
Our minds are powerful things. In the book, As a Man Thinketh, James Allen says:

“As he thinks, so he is; as he continues to think, so he remains.”

We have the power to control our thoughts, and as a result, control who we are.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, your life isn’t falling apart—your thoughts are.

Take a minute to find and clean out all your self-deprecating, negative thoughts. As you do this, you will find yourself feeling refreshed and invigorated with renewed energy to take on the world. Don’t believe it? Try it.

3. Things change pretty quickly when you start doing something.
Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed with a project at work and don’t think you have the energy or time to finish it. You start letting yourself play out every negative scenario resulting from a failed project.

Stop right there!

Sitting on the couch, dwelling on these thoughts isn’t going to make anything better. In fact, it usually makes things worse.

Things seem to fall in place as you chip away at a project and come to realize it wasn’t as bad as you thought.


4. You’ve felt this way before.
Think about the last time you felt overwhelmed. How did you overcome it? Was it really as bad as you thought?

If you don’t learn from past experiences, you’ll find yourself suffering from the same problems over and over.

Successful people are the ones who understand that every experience, good or bad, is valuable.

Go to a private place and take as long as you need to remember previous times in your life you felt this way and how you overcame it.

5. Your problems aren’t always as bad as you think.
The best way to find out how good you actually have it is to take a break from worrying about your own life and do something kind for someone in a worse spot than you.

Go do service at a homeless shelter, orphanage, or battered women’s home, etc. Helping people who are worse off than you puts your own problems into perspective and helps you feel far less overwhelmed.

6. When it feels like you can’t do anything, that’s exactly when you need to do something.
Like it says in number 3, your situation changes quickly when you start doing something.

Those who overcome their struggles quickly are the ones who never give up, even when they feel that all is lost.

At times it might feel like there is nothing you can do, but that is exactly when you need to do something.

How will you ever know for sure there was nothing you could do if you didn’t at least try? You’ll only live your best life once you step out. Here’s why.

And at the very least, you will find personal confidence in knowing that you did everything you could.

7. Be grateful for what you do have.
In a world of people obsessed with putting their best self forward, it’s easy to feel like everyone has more than you. STOP!

Get that thought out of your head and remember what you do have. Often the things you have right now are things you were worried about having in the past.

Don’t let an insatiable desire for more blind you from seeing and appreciating everything you have right now. You have more than you know. Be grateful.

8. People want you to succeed.
Remember there are people in your life who want you succeed. Your life touches so many others and there are people out there rooting for you.

Time Alone is Actually GOOD!!!

I have been having many conversations lately with those close to me about spending time alone. I have observed that there are some people who do very well alone while others seem to struggle a great deal. Here is an informative article about the many benefits that can be gleaned from spending time alone.  From BestLifeOnline.com:



20 Reasons Spending Time Alone Is Essential for Your Health

SOME QUALITY "ME TIME" MIGHT JUST BE THE BEST MEDICINE AROUND.

By ADAM BIBLE
July 6, 2018


20 Reasons Spending Time Alone Is Essential for Your Health
Too often these days it can feel like you’re inundated. Even when you’re taking a break from the hustle and bustle, thanks to social media and the all-hours culture of our modern existence, you’re never really taking a break. It all adds up, work and play and notifications and social commitments rolling together to create a tiresome mosaic of constant stimulation. Put another way: life can be exhausting. Which is why, every so often, you should steal a moment to yourself. Entirely to yourself.

Yes, scoring some quality “me time,” even if it’s just an hour or two a week, has been shown to enhance relationships, help folks prioritize responsibilities, and clarify lofty ambitions, like life goals and overall direction. It’s also been shown to help physiologically, and is a known method for improving your sleep habits and dialing back undue feelings of stress. But that’s not all! Herein, we’ve rounded up all the ways “me time” can help make you healthier, wealthier, and wiser individual.



1. It Makes You Feel Rested
Succumbing to sometime-seclusion can be a good way to recharge and make yourself feel rested, says a survey of over 18,000 people living in 134 countries. The participants in the research were asked about a wide range of activities and told to note the ones that made them feel most rested. “Spending time alone” was the top choice, with “reading” and “being in nature” rounding out the podium.


2. It Squashes Stress
Being bored and alone shuts off the parts of the brain that promote heightened awareness, which can help lower stress, says research from the University of Rochester. The set of studies showed that just 15 minutes untethered from your digital device allows for better emotional control, with the authors writing: “people can use solitude, or other variations on being alone, to regulate their affective state.”


3. It Defeats Depression
It may seem counterintuitive, but being alone can actually help fight depression. Studies from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign found that people who spend more time alone have lower risk of depression. The research showed that those who spent an “intermediate amount of time alone were better adjusted” and that solitude seekers reported less depression throughout their lives.


4. It Bolsters Mental Strength
Most people get antsy or nervous when tasked with being alone for a long amount of time. In fact, a 2014 study from the University of Virginia showed that most people would rather shock themselves than spend time alone with their thoughts! But confronting uncomfortable situations, like pushing yourself to sit through extended periods of solitude, has been shown to increase mental strength.


5. It Makes You Happier
Want to get happy? Set aside time off for some alone says 2016 research published in the British Journal of Psychology. The study tracked over 15,000 adults and found that “individuals experience lower life satisfaction with more frequent socialization with friends.” The study showed that being alone had the biggest positive effect for more intelligent people.


6. It Builds Greater Compassion
Taking time to hang out in isolation can have the character-building complement of boosting empathy, says a study conducted at Harvard University. Researchers found that sessions in solitude helped feel and better understand the experiences and plights of others, allowing them to delve deeper into compassion with real sincerity.



7. It Boosts Creativity
Studies have shown that practicing a type of “social withdrawal” can have a positive effect. Recent research published in Personality and Individual Differences showed that creativity is linked directly to turning within and becoming unsociable—not shyness or avoidance—for short periods of time.



8. It Improves Your Life
The myriad of improvements that can arise from being alone—better creativity, stronger relationships, less stress—all snowball together to make your entire life a better one. Getting in touch with your true thoughts, which are much easier to access while in seclusion, will give you a much fuller and fulfilled existence.



9. It Reboots your Brain
If you are always trying to impress people or constantly socializing, your brain doesn’t have the time to fully relax. Indulging in alone time with no distractions and demands on attention allows your brain to clear itself and focus on resting and unwinding the multiple threads that make up your daily life.



10. It Recharges your Batteries
Constantly being around people is a good way to feel exhilarated for the super extroverted, but it can also feel incredibly draining, no matter your personality type. Being alone allows you to regain your emotional bearings and recharge your energy stores. You’ll feel refreshed and full of verve, ready to get back out in the mix.


11. It Builds Self-Reliance
When you are surrounded by other people for a large part of your day, relying on them for advice, opinions, and assistance can lull you into a kind of emotional dependency that can keep you from being self-reliant. If you want to feel independent in your life, you need to have the assurance that being self-confident can bring.



12. It Boosts Problem-Solving
Sometimes when grappling with a particularly thorny problem at work, or trying to figure out a way to solve a quandary in your personal life, the constant din of other incoming information from other people or digital devices can keep the solution at bay. Taking time to be alone and let your brain mull over the problem with no other distractions can reveal the answer.



13. It Improves Concentration
Distractions and interruptions are constantly being thrown at you during the day, from the daily barrage of emails to requests from co-workers. When you set aside some serious alone time it can help cut out the majority of those disturbances, allowing you to better concentrate on a problem or work task.



14. It Increases Productivity
The improved concentration that solitude can give you will then often translate into your productivity being boosted. The ability to focus intently on a project when holed up all by yourself will permit greater gains and better insights.


15. It Sharpens Your Memory
Studies have shown that brain power can be bumped up by passing time by yourself, but checking out of society for a spell can also sharpen memory. Research out of Harvard found that when people are attempting to complete a task that they know is all on their shoulders, they will remember key details better than those who worked collaboratively.


16. It Helps You Find Your Own Voice
Group think—the phenomenon of people in a group allowing their opinions to turn toward a consensus—is real. When you’re always around a bunch of people it’s hard to separate yourself and find your own voice. Being alone gives you that break and allows deeper thoughts that probe your core being.


17. It Encourages Deep Thinking
The continuous churning of thoughts pinging through your brain that just are solely focused on simple everyday responsibilities can be overwhelming sometimes. Being able to consistently set allot some time to being alone can help your brain brush aside the barrage of baloney and let you think deeply.



18. It Hones Perception
Being forced into conversations and meetings and other group activities can often make it hard for people to step back and recognize details. Getting in some quiet time where you can think freely, without distractions, is a great way to allow yourself to step back and appreciate the details you may otherwise miss while around others.



19. It Fortifies Relationships
It’s hard to really know what you want out of life, and in tandem, out of a relationship. But being by yourself for periods of time can help you gain a better understanding of who you are. This self-knowledge is important for building a great relationship with your partner because learning about yourself is the first step for lasting love.



20. It Gives You Freedom!
Really the best part about being alone is that you can do whatever you want! When you earmark a day, or even a few hours, where you indulge in some seclusion and solitude, that time is for you. You can go where you want, eat what you want, and do what you want—no compromises tailored to other people’s desires.

External Validation

From PsychCentral.com:

The Trap of External Validation for Self-Esteem

By: Darius Cikanavicius
 
In my personal and professional life, I have met and observed many people who are desperately trying to get approval and acceptance from others, who never feel good enough, and who are terrified of social rejection.
For many, hurt and invalidation starts very early and continues throughout their life in one form or another. As a result, many people learn that their fundamental sense of self-esteem and self-worth comes not from within but from others, and so they constantly seek other people’s approval or attention.

The mechanism behind it

When you are a small child whose whole existence and well-being depends on others, rejection actually equals existential death. And since we are constantly hurt, invalidated, and rejected in many overt and highly subtle ways as children, a lot of us grow up into wounded and self-less adults whose self-perception is skewed or blurry. If we never explore or even recognize this phenomenon, we are doomed to be dependent on other people’s opinions, judgments, and perceptions of us—which makes us vulnerable to being manipulated, and potentially being manipulative ourselves.
For many, it means that they are defined by others. For example, if others think you’re great, you must be great, or if someone thinks you’re bad then you must be bad. And if they perceive you as flawed (accurately or inaccurately), then you feel horrified.
Here, such a person has two problems.
One, they constantly need other people’s approval and validation to feel that they are a good person, to feel pleasant emotions, or to even feel alive. And two, they feel shame or guilt or anger or loneliness or anxiety or confusion or other painful emotions when someone disapproves of and invalidates them, which then often leads to dysfunctional behavior to manage all of it.
To give a few simplified examples, if someone likes your post on Facebook, then everything’s well and good. But if they don’t, then you feel terribly anxious or empty or invisible. If someone agrees with you, then you must be right and you feel confidence and joy. But if they don’t, then you feel threatened, lonely, upset, self-doubtful, socially anxious, and so on.
So you might spend your whole life—and many do—chasing after acceptance and validation, and feeling terrified of rejection.
As a coping mechanism, some individuals become people-pleasers who are afraid to be their true selves or take care of themselves. A lot of them don’t even know who they really are, what they actually feel, what they truly think, or what they like. Their mental boundaries are closely enmeshed with others’ because they were raised to take care of others and neglect themselves.
Others have developed different tendencies that fall on the other side of the spectrum, where they disregard others, their boundaries and their humanity, and only care about themselves. This is often what people refer to when they use the terms narcissism or antisocial behavior.
Whether it’s people-pleasing or narcissistic, antisocial behavior or something in between, the underlying and often ignored question is why? Why would a person harm themselves or hurt others? Yes, they may want to be “nice” or want power—but why? Because deep down they are hurt and feel empty, or insecure, or anxious, or lonely, or ashamed, or guilty. Both those sets of behaviors can be referred to as low self-esteem. (Although narcissism is often falsely perceived as high self-esteem when actually it’s the opposite.)
That deep, early fear of rejection and abandonment can haunt us forever. That urge for validation and acceptance and that terror of rejection can be omnipresent. In many cases that’s the root cause of people’s problematic and unwanted behavior: people are just trying to regulate their emotions by using the methods they learned when they had to adapt to their stressful past environments.
But it doesn’t have to be this way forever.

What’s on the other side

When we start healing, growing, and thriving, we learn to evaluate ourselves and do it more and more accurately. We understand that you can learn to accurately estimate yourself instead of only relying on another person’s interpretation of you, which, for better or worse, is often grossly inaccurate. Our sense of self-esteem actually starts coming from the inside, not from the outside.
We don’t rely on others to validate our existence or define us. We feel increasingly more connected with ourselves. We are stronger now so we can accept certain things about ourselves that our psyche didn’t allow us to accept before. As a result, we realize that we are grown individuals now, not dependent, powerless children anymore. So we are less and less frightened by rejection and we are less likely to psychologically depend on others.
We can recognize and accept our strengths and shortcomings. We can learn self-validation. We can step out of our comfort zone. We can change our behavior. We can change our false belief systems. We can slowly let go of old survival mechanisms because they don’t aid us anymore. We can start making better choices. We feel that we are enough. We can live a more conscious, more proactive, more loving, and more fulfilling life.

It's baaaaack.....

Some time ago, I published a post explaining how my ever present anxiety was gone now that I was in recovery. Well, guess what? I spoke too soon. My anxiety has returned with a vengeance and it has been wreaking havoc with my mind and body. Right now the most annoying symptom is my skin picking disorder. I used to be a horrible nail biter; I would bite and bite until my nails bled and half the nail bed was gone. Well, somehow I managed to quit that bad habit but now it's morphed into picking at the skin around my nails. Like I used to do with my nails, I pick and pick until I am bleeding and in pain. This would normally be a serious problem but I think it is magnified by the fact that I have to be in environments that are not always clean as part of my job. Which means I wear Band-Aids around my two pointer fingers almost everyday. This is both embarrassing and costly; Band-Aids aren't cheap! In order to help me deal with this anxiety, I resumed taking my buspirone prescription. Obviously I also try to maintain positive thoughts as well. I am hoping that both of these methods help me to control this ever mounting anxiety.
I find it fascinating that I only thought my anxiety would affect me if I was in or trying to be in a relationship. While I continue to be grateful and proud of my sobriety, I realize that my anxiety indicates that I still have quite a bit of "stuff" left to work on. Also, I need to stop beating myself up about it because I am under quite a bit of stress with my job, grad school, dealing with my son's father, etc. I have been praying quite a bit lately, I know the only way I will be able to effectively deal with this is by leaning on and trusting God. 💓

Serenity Prayer

- Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

enjoying one moment at a time; 

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will; 

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next. Amen.

Embracing negative emotions

This article comes from Lifehack.org:

Why You Should Always Embrace Negative Emotions

By: Hannah Braime

One of the biggest misperceptions about personal development is that it leads to permanent, unflappable happiness. The point of personal development isn’t to feel happy all the time. Instead, it’s to become more aware of what we’re feeling and to have greater self-mastery over how we respond to our feelings.
The truth is that so-called “negative” emotions are important. Here’s why:

Negative emotions are a natural part of life

Just as the colours of the rainbow run from one end of a spectrum to the other, so do our emotions. We might prefer the experience of certain emotions, but whether we like it or not they will all show up at certain points. Although we can influence our emotions, we can’t control them and we certainly can’t get rid of our less desirable feelings on demand.
In Buddhism, one of the Four Noble Truthsis that pain exists, but suffering is optional. Another way of understanding this is to use the equation:

Suffering = Pain x Resistance
The more we resist negative emotions, the more we will suffer. We are going to feel negative emotions, whether we like it or not. Although it sounds counterintuitive, accepting them means we’re less likely to suffer.

Negative emotions are useful

Not only are negative emotions a natural part of life, but they are that way for a good reason. Fear, anger, hurt, rejection — all these feelings are useful emotional responses to certain situations. For example, fear helps us survive. Without fear, we’d be crossing the road without looking. We wouldn’t think twice about walking alone through a dodgy part of town in the middle of the night. We’d get ourselves into all kinds of physically dangerous situations.
Sometimes these feelings crop up in inopportune or unwanted situations. For example, we might feel the same kind of fear when we think about public speaking as we do when we imagine scaling Everest. The solution isn’t to never feel fear, though. Instead, it’s to learn how to manage it so it can serve it’s natural purpose.

How to embrace negative emotions

1. Reframe them from “negative,” “bad,” or “unhelpful” to “uncomfortable.”

So-called negative feelings get a bad rap because they feel uncomfortable. Just because they feel uncomfortable, however, doesn’t mean they’re negative (remember, they’re actually helpful).

If you’re struggling to embrace negative emotions, reframe them as “uncomfortable.” With this, you acknowledge your feelings without sending yourself the message they are bad or wrong.

2. Separate out the feeling from the story or meaning you attach to it.

When we struggle to accept certain feelings, it’s usually because we’re attaching a story or meaning to the feeling.
“I feel jealous…and it’s wrong to feel jealous.”

“I’m feeling angry…and women shouldn’t feel angry.”
If we’re harbouring these beliefs and stories, it’s hard to embrace our negative emotions. Notice the meanings and stories you’re attaching to your feelings. Then, separate your objective experience of the feeling from the meaning or story you’re attaching to it.

3. Allow yourself to truly feel the feeling.

Another counter-intuitive truth about feelings is the more we try to resist them, the stronger they get. If we let ourselves feel, however, the intensity dissapates.
Let the feeling wash over you. Feel the physical sensations that come with it and take a few deep breaths as you experience it. You might notice that even a few seconds of this is enough before the feeling fades.

4. Get curious about the message in the feeling

All feelings happen for a reason. The reason might not be immediately obvious, nor might it be directly related to the present situation. But it will be there.
Instead of writing off negative emotions, practice asking “What is the lesson here? What can I learn from this experience?” Remember, negative emotions are your own internal warning system that something is off-kilter.
The more exploration you’re wiling to do, the more information you’ll have. Then, you can take action to right the balance and bring harmony back into your world.

Lean into discomfort

I have been dealing with a high amount of anxiety lately. I am not sure why that is exactly but I have utilized every coping skill that I know in order to deal with it. I am always under a great deal of stress with my job and my second semester of grad school started this evening so that contributes as well. Additionally, one of my cats is sick and has been for some time so I made the tough decision to have him put down on February 11. I took the entire day off from work to do this and I am dreading it fiercely. I am going alone which terrifies the shit out of me for 2 reasons: 1. I have always had someone else to support me when I have dealt with these types of things and 2. I have the tendency to run from and/or try to escape feeling unpleasant feelings. However I have heard from multiple sources that it's best to lean into these uncomfortable feelings and embrace them because running from them is not healthy and will reappear later in life where you will have to deal with them anyway. I hope I have the strength to do this, I will be praying daily for God to give me enough to make it through this upcoming challenge.

Emotional Unavailability (Part 4)

I wanted to finish up my series of posts on emotional unavailability by sharing an insightful article directed at women who love ambivalent men. Of course this dynamic can work the opposite way as well. From Psychology Today:



Ambivalent Men, and the Women Who Love Them
Here's why you'll never win with someone who's emotionally unavailable.
Posted Jul 17, 2014

By: Jill P. Weber Ph.D.


The non-committal, emotionally unavailable man pairing with an overly attentive female willing to hang in there, no matter what, is a surprisingly common type of relationship. Always eager to sow wild oats, the male in this dynamic is frequently described as a "player.”
Why, in this scenario, does a woman stay true to such a man? It may be because she believes his very aloofness makes him a more desirable catch. If she hangs in there long enough, he will eventually commit, and it will mean so much more because he was so ambivalent about her in the beginning. She sees a chance for self-validation in earning his attention when others couldn't.

Women caught in this circular thinking rarely experience a happy romantic ending. Instead, they're typically left feeling as if they're not good enough, and frustrated that they cannot have their needs met. This manifests to the partner as emotional neediness—“Where are you?”; “When am I going to see you?”; “Are you seeing other people?”; “Are you attracted to me?”; “Who are you texting?”—that confirms his belief that women are burdensome. But this behavior also puts attention on him and gives him a sense of importance he may not be capable of achieving in any other way.

As I describe in my my book, a woman who chronically pursues ambivalent men only lives out one small part of what it means to be female. She tunes into her nurturing, caregiver self to such a degree that she forfeits a strong core sense of who she is separate from her relationships with others.

As for the emotionally unavailable "player," he tends to hold so steadfastly to a rigid male stereotype that his experience of himself also becomes stunted, and the world he sees around him takes on a bland hue.

This pattern often falls along typical gender roles because of the way many boys and girls are socialized. While boys are taught that being a man is inherently linked to shunning emotionality in favor of autonomy, no matter the cost, girls are conditioned to overly attend to the needs of others to ensure they are "friends with everyone" and "liked by all." When girls and boys are not offered healthy buffers to such cultural influences, these tendencies go into hyper-drive. This is problematic because women who do not have partnerships with men who are "partners" in the true sense of the word have difficulty excelling and achieving, both professionally and personally. This is particularly true when they are also parents and responsible for small children. On the other hand, men who do not have emotional intimacy with their wives often live a dulled out existence and have fewer close relationships with friends or with their own children.

Meet Samantha

The connection was easy and natural when Samantha, age 28, first started dating Rob. As she recalls their first year together, she smiles and remembers how ardently he pursued her. She felt as if he was always surprising her with plans and a desire to spend all of his time close to her. Samantha began to see her girlfriends less and less. She put her other interests on the back burner to spend more time with Rob. But something happened at about the one-year mark: Rob began to pull back. He became consumed with other pursuits, and Samantha often felt as if she was at the bottom of his list of priorities. When she would bring up the idea of taking their relationships to the next level, Rob would become cagey—“I am not ready for that"; “I don’t know if I ever want to get married"; “Can you stop being so serious?” Now that she had arranged for her life to revolve around him, she had nowhere to go and no one to lean on. She felt lost and told herself that she had already invested so much time with Rob that she needed to hang in there—“Maybe he is just going through a phase.” But weeks turned into years of feeling as if she was never getting a straight answer about what he wanted or if he wanted to be with her. She became more emotionally intense and, ironically, although Rob was less available to her, she was more dependent on him.


I have seen in my clinical practice—working with young and middle-aged adults—that a dynamic such as this can still result in marriage despite all. Often the "player" eventually tires out or sees his cohort maturing to the next level of commitment. He fears being left behind and commits to the last person he finds in his arms. This can bring a feeling of relief to the woman involved—initially. But as the marriage progresses, unless the ambivalent male has worked to better understand his more vulnerable self, the ambivalence continues. The wife finds herself with an unreliable partner she cannot depend upon for the logistics of life, let alone her emotional needs.

Think Big Picture

It is not about getting a man to commit or to step up to the plate. It is about forming a mutually pleasurable, emotionally safe relationship with someone with whom you can be a real partner for the long-term. Longstanding social-science theories suggest that for women, self-image, self-esteem, and identity are tied to having harmonious relationships, in ways that are not as true for many men. And without healthy, equal partnership, it is hard to fully excel and achieve other important pursuits, particularly for women who plan to have children.

For the ambivalent man, the inability to commit in an emotionally valid way may, paradoxically, reflect an emotionally vulnerable self that he is afraid to recognize out of fear that it will overwhelm him or make him less of a man. In therapy, ambivalent men oftentimes recall feeling humiliated at some point in their young childhood for crying or being too emotional. They recall making a silent vow to never again display such weakness. For them, the sad result is they numb the emotions needed for deep and intimate attachment. Living in this emotional fog eventually brings discontent because this man never feels known by others or never feels he can be his true self, vulnerable feelings and all. Men who have at least one person with whom they can feel safe expressing their true emotions are generally emotionally stronger and have more pleasurable life experiences.

Trying to get an ambivalent player to commit is a losing proposition for most women. As I describe in my book, Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy, the more you know and accept yourself, the more likely you are to attract healthy partners who value the real you.

Emotional Unavailability (Part 3)

Today marks my 435th day in recovery and I am becoming more grateful for this with each passing day. I would like to continue my emotional unavailability theme with this article I found on RenataNicole.com:

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JANUARY 27, 2018

Don’t be a Back Burner to Your Front Burner!

I realize that everyone doesn’t like cooking.

But if you are a cook with a basic level of experience you know that there are certain things that when cooking require your focus and attention. These are the types of things you need to watch and cater to and you may even need to stir constantly.

Typically when you cook these types of items you will have it on the front burner.

And then there are other items like a sauce or stew that need some time to simmer.

Those are items that don’t need a lot of attention, so they can be placed on the back burner.

You can often put back burner items on low heat, and perhaps you can even cover the pot because there isn’t even any need to look at it.

You simply put it on the back burner, set and forget it because it isn’t something that is a priority.

When I am cooking I focus on what is on my front burner because in that moment I am more concerned about those items.

Well, there have been times in my life where I have had someone on my front burner who had me on their back burner.

I would find myself paying attention to these people, and being attentive, while all the while I was clearly on their back burner.

These are the types of people who whether consciously or subconsciously only gave me bread crumbs of attention.

If I am honest about my interaction in these situations, it occurred to me in the back of my mind that I was on their back burner but ultimately I made excuses for it.

At the time when that took place, the insecurities in me were screaming out, how do I get this person to put me on their front burner.

Well, I had to learn to calm those insecurities down.

Because what I have come to understand over the years is that if someone has you on their back burner it is not your job to figure out how to get on their front burner.

No, your job is to figure out how you are going to de-escalate their place in your life.

If you are not a priority in their life, then they should not be a priority in your life.

It doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, nor does it mean that you’re a bad person.

It simply means you are not matching where you have prioritized one another.

For some reason people are prone to do this weird thing where we think that if we keep trying to show people how much we care and value them that they will in turn elevate our position in their lives.

This is our way of looking for external validation.

I can tell you from hard knock experience validation doesn’t work like that.

Validation comes from within.

No one outside of ourselves can validate us.

I recognize that we want to be liked.

But it is much healthier to find this experience by liking the people who like you.

I have a person who is in my life who previously reached out from time to time to invite me to the movies and dinner.

At the time I had three part time jobs so I didn’t have a lot of spare time. Additionally, my money was funny and my change was strange so I didn’t really know how I could afford to do any extracurricular activities.

My thought was how am I going to pay for these things or find time in my schedule.

In turn I let her know I couldn’t go because I work all the time.

That didn’t have anything to do with her.

It didn’t mean I didn’t like her, or that she was a bad person.

It meant my priority was making sure I had enough money to provide for my children and that I had bills to pay and mouths to feed.

My children and finances were on my front burner.

Hanging out with her was on my back burner.

In turn she did something very smart.

After asking me maybe twice to do something and being turned down, she found someone else to hang out and spend her time with who was willing to put her as a priority in their life.

When my schedule changed and I stopped working so much, I gave her a call and we went and hung out and spent time together.

The the thing that she did right that many of us fail to do is that she found someone who prioritized her in accordance to the way she prioritized them.

When she realized I was not going to be her go to girl she found someone who would be.

Many of us don’t do that.

When the signs come that someone doesn’t value us we try to see if we can find ways to get people who have placed us on their back burner to change their minds and put us on their front burner.

The mistake that many us make is that we take it being on someones back burner personal.

And some of us even go as far as to ignore the signs that we are on the back burner.

Signs such as when you ask if the person would like to hang out and they respond with phrases like:

“We’ll see.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m going to check my schedule and get back to you.”

“I’m just so busy.”

And then when they want to spend time with you it’s always last-minute.

These are the types of people who always have an excuse for why they are too busy to set plans with you.

I had to accept that this was life’s way of signaling to me that I was not a priority in these people’s lives.

People who want to spend time with you, make time for you.

Perhaps they don’t always agree to hang out when you make the suggestion but they at least give you a counter offer for meeting up.

For example they might say, “I can’t hang out on Monday, but I am free Thursday.”

So now when I realize I have someone on my front burner who has me on their back burner I know I have some accessing to do.

You see, I have a tendency to try to justify people’s behavior and give them the benefit of the doubt when I really shouldn’t.

I have to consciously work not to fall into an unhealthy pattern of making excuses for their behavior by thinking ‘well their busy’.

Especially when I know full well, no one is “that busy”.

When someone puts me on their back burner the truth is that I simply am not a priority.

Over the years I have worked to get to a place in my mind where I’m not worried about losing people.

I don’t know what it is that causes many of us to believe that if we make a mistake that the possibility of a relationship is over, the person will never come back and that we have ruined it.

I myself have been so dramatic that I truly believed that it meant I would never find love.

It used to be that when it occurred to me that I wasn’t a priority in someones life I felt the need to do something to become a priority to them.

Thankfully, I know realize that if someone is too busy for me than I need to start being too busy for them.

That other person has come to an awareness that we are not matching and I needed to come to the same conclusion.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic, platonic, or business relationship if the other person doesn’t see you as a top priority and puts you on their back burner than by all means mirror them and put them on your back burner.

There is no need to scream and shout for them to put you at the front of their stove.

One of the ways I have been able to move away from this unhealthy habit was by coming out of the scarcity mentality.

I used to get so caught up in thinking that “this person is the person and I have to make this work”.

That’s not a healthy way of thinking and I had to step away from it.

I started to realize that there are millions of people in this world and that this one person not liking and/or priortizing me didn’t mean that everyone else wouldn’t either.

If someone is meant to be in your life and you are being your authentic self, that person is going to be in your life.

The real thing you need to be doing is asking yourself “why on earth do I have this person on my front burner when they have made it blatantly obvious that I am on their back burner?”

If you catch yourself focusing heavily upon someone, your stirring the relationship by reaching out, adding ingredients by investing your time, money, energy and effort only to realize they have you’re on their back burner with the pot covered or heaven forbid you find yourself in their crock pot by all means stop making them a priority in their life!

That action of putting someone on high priority who has us on low priority leads to overinvesting and it will leave you feeling bitter, empty and resentful.

When we over-invest and over-give it leaves us frustrated. But if we are truly honest with ourselves the other person is giving us signals by showing us and at times even telling us as hard as they can that we are not a priority in their life.

We have to realize how people perceive us doesn’t have any bearing on who we are.

We have to stop give people so much power in our lives.

Us not being a priority to a particular person doesn’t mean that we are not a priority or that we worthless.

It simply means we are not a priority in their life.

When this occurs we need to move on and find someone who does see us as a front burner item.

Someone who does see value in interacting with us the same way we see value in interacting with them.

There was a time in my life where I sought validation from others to such an extreme that it was clearly unhealthy.

I didn’t have this problem so much from women but when it came to men I really had problems.

I took things to extremes when a guy didn’t like me, so much so that I thought it meant I was unlovable.

Thankfully, I learned that it simply meant he doesn’t like me.

I came to learn that just because someone is of the opposite sex it doesn’t mean that they get to be judge and jury of what my worth and value is.

Recognize that if someone doesn’t see your worth and value all that means is they don’t see your worth and value.

You have to get to a place where if someone isn’t feeling you that you take it as a signal that you need to start asking yourself why are you feeling them?

You have to understand that it’s okay if someone doesn’t want to spend time with you.

It could very well be that they are busy.

But ultimately when it comes to dating and matters of the heart don’t give your heart to someone who doesn’t have time for you.

It’s not a good look.

You need to invest in someone who is as excited about spending time with you as you are about spending time with them.

If they are not excited about interacting with you, it would behoove you to accept it and realize it’s not a match.

Do what my female friend did and go and be with other people who want to be in your life.

Don’t wait around for people to pick you up.

If I am completely honest with myself the people who put me on their back burner who I had on my front burner should have been on my back burner the whole time also.

The thing is they simply noticed how to properly prioritize our relationship first.

You see, when I paused and thought about if I even really liked that person that much the truth is the answer was a resounding no.

It was my neediness, insecurities, red flags and ego that were showing up and making me think the person should be my front burner person.

When you come to the awareness of what you are doing it will become much easier to station people correctly in your life.

It’s okay if someone doesn’t have you on your front burner, put them on your back burner and still eat.

Don’t try to get them to give you more attention.

One of the signs that someone is meant to be in your life is that they are going to want to spend time with you.

I’m not saying that people don’t ever circle around.

But I am saying that no one needs to be breaking their neck for people.

Check your neediness and insecurities at the door.

Step back and realize you don’t need to be breaking your neck for someone who isn’t trying to see you, pick the phone up or even return a text.

Love,

Renata Nicole

Emotional Unavailability (Part 2)

Continuing on with my emotional unavailability series of posts, I wanted to share another informative article on this topic. I found this gem on knowitallnancy.com:




Tale-Tell Signs You're Dating An Emotionally Unavailable Man
You fall in love with the emotionally unavailable father figure.

You’re dating a really nice man. He seems like “marriage material”; he’s financial stable, gentlemanly and reliable, but he’s uncomfortable talking about himself. You think he’s worth the effort and you try to pull him out of his shell.

One night, after a third highball, he gives you a glimpse into his heart. He tells you about his bitter divorce, a hyper-critical ex, a financial fiasco or a hurtful childhood. You’re drawn in by his sad stories. You think he’s beginning to open up to you. You think you are “good” for him, you think you can fix him and you fall in love with him—and then he pulls away from you.

The courtship of an emotionally unavailable man can be baffling and deflating. A seemingly great guy pursues you. He calls you, he asks you out and he says and does things to pull you into a relationship. He is courteous and attentive, and he wants to sleep with you. But when you give yourself to him—he withdraws his affection and his pursuit and you are bewildered by his sudden change of heart.

Experts say that many emotionally unavailable people want a serious relationship but their emotional baggage prevents them from making an intimate connection. Some are untrusting; they fear rejection or they have a fear of being controlled. Men especially are afraid of “losing” themselves in a relationship and they will subconsciously, or even knowingly, erect barriers to avoid emotional intimacy—or sabotage a relationship.

WARNING! You can’t change a man who is emotionally crippled and he will break your heart when you try.

If you are dating a man with these behaviors, you need to cut and run:

He comes on strong in the beginning, but after he gets your attention, or you sleep with him, he backs off with his affection, phone calls and pursuit. When you question him about it he gives you an excuse; he blames “timing.”  He tells you “if only things were different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend.” “It’s not you,” he says. “It’s me.”
He admits to being commitment-phobic. He acts like he’s totally into you—but he claims “he’s not over his last girlfriend or recent divorce.” He says, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” If you continue seeing him, you have accepted his “sleep-over-non-relationship” terms.
He has poor relationships with women, his mother and daughter(s). He’s angry at his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend because she left him, or she nailed him financially. Or he still loves her. Either way—he still has strong feelings for ex, making him emotionally unsuitable for a relationship.
He is rigid about his schedule (a sign he may be seeing someone else). He determines the momentum of the relationship; he sets up when and where he will see you.
He takes the relationship too slow; after months of sleeping with him he doesn’t take the relationship forward. You’re not sure if you are “couple” or you’re just hanging out.
He is resistant to involving himself in your life. He ignores your requests to participate in the things you want to do. He never takes you around his friends and he doesn’t introduce you to his family.
He relies on text messages, instant messaging and email for the majority of his communication with you. Most of his messaging is idle chatter. You keep thinking he will ask you out—maybe he will; more likely he won’t.

He is shallow …

Your conversations are trifling and superficial. You are vulnerable with your thoughts and feelings. He tells you just enough to keep you in a go-no-where relationship. When you try to talk to him about the status of your relationship, he tells you what you want to hear or he skirts the issue. You constantly wonder where you stand with him.
Phone conversations with him are frustrating and trivial. He may call semi-regularly or he calls to say goodnight. He performs like a dependable, caring partner but his dialogue feels mechanical and impersonal and his tone is lukewarm and reserved. When he hangs up you ask yourself, “What heck are we doing?”
You feel uncertain when he leaves your house. You’re not sure when you’ll hear from him again. He leaves you hanging—even though you’ve been dating him for a while.
He leaves you feeling emotionally void …

Your relationship feels like a “push and pull” game. One day he really likes you, and the next day he disappears or shuts down. His behavior creates an addictive relationship. You feel he cares about you, so you keep trying to figure him out. When he withdraws from you, you suffer from his rejection and you instinctively seek his approval and validation.
His compliments don’t feel authentic; you find yourself “fishing” for his praise and validation. You seem to always hug and kiss him first.
He leaves you sexually frustrated. His foreplay is perfunctory, minimal or non-existent. He doesn’t take time to pleasure you during sex. He doesn’t cuddle, touch or hold you after sex. You feel unfulfilled, lonely or sad after you sleep with him. He may even creep out and go home after sleeping with you.
He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no mention of a date and years are going by. Some men will cough up an engagement ring, but put off the wedding date indefinitely—that’s because he never intends to marry you.
He withdraws but he keeps you dangling …

He doesn’t call when he is supposed to; he disappears and then resurfaces with little or no explanation.
He lives out-of-town and he texts you flirty and sexual messages. He may call you and have long conversations, but he never mentions coming to see you. He says he is coming to see you—but nothing ever materializes.
His pursuit subsides; you seem to initiate the dates. He pulls back or he disappears; you text or call him to restore the relationship. His behavior leaves you confused and it makes you want him even more.
He doesn’t answer your calls and he fails to return your calls/texts/emails/Facebook posts/tweets—or he calls you several days later when it is convenient for him.
He no longer asks you out, but he calls or texts you on his way home from work, after happy hour or late at night. Your relationship has turned into a “booty call.”
If a man continually makes your heart ache, you are constantly confused about how he feels about you and you’re are uncertain about your future with him—you need to dump him for a man who will make you feel adored, safe and valued.