Sextimacy

I recently started reading a book entitled "Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy" by Jill Weber. I swear to God, it's like she wrote this book about me! I can't put it down; it truly resonates with me that much! I did a Google search for sextimacy and I found this article posted on Medium.com:

Sextimacy — One woman’s pursuit to find emotional intimacy through sex
By: Vidya Sasidharan

Jan 29, 2015

So, I came across this article, primarily excerpts from a book called “Having Sex, Wanting Intimacy” — by Jill P. Weber

I haven’t actually read the book but the preview itself was really eye opening. I had previously never heard of sextimacy, or anything to that effect even. Hell I didn’t even know it was possible, but it accurately sums up to a T my entire last year. I think, sadly, that I might be in denial to some extent. I am also highly confused. One moment I know exactly what I want and am in total control of everything, and the next I am a total disaster.. it’s like being drawn back to square one again and again. I told myself at the start of 2015, that this year would be different. To some degree, it has been so far, in that I have lost almost every desire to connect with a man. I don’t even use Tinder any longer because it has simply lost its appeal to me. Not that I’m complaining, it’s just that just a few months ago I was so drawn into it that if anyone told me I wouldn’t be using it at all, (voluntarily mind you), I probably would have laughed. But hey, it’s true.
But, I am also human, and given that I do work right smack in the middle of the CBD area where all the banks and law firms are, the pile of eye-candy is ever growing, and needless to say, I am never unsatisfied, so to speak. But you know, that’s not important… *smirk*
Yet all I want to do is appreciate from a nice distance. Don’t need to exchange numbers or even have a deep memorable conversation. Small talk is fine. But even with that my patience / desire to engage in pointless conversations is dying.. and so, I just don’t bother. Maybe I’m too tired, too exhausted from all the disappointments and heartache that I caused myself all this while. Who knows. Now, here comes the dilemma.
Having said all the above, I also find myself craving for something more. I’m ashamed to admit this, but it doesn’t make it any less true. I do more often than not, wonder if I’m doing something wrong, and what the hell exactly I’m doing that is resulting in such a monotonous and mundane non-existent state of affairs where my ‘love life’ is concerned. Seriously, the last relationship was over 2 years ago now, and even he, with all his asshole tendencies and idiocy, has apparently managed to find himself a partner, in the same year that we broke up. I, on the other hand, have had a string of nothings, and already have felt pain that comes with multiple failed relationships, without actually having said relationships. How messed up is that? That’s where I start to wonder, what’s wrong with me? WRONG. Why do I keep doing that? There is NOTHING wrong with me. I keep telling myself this, in hopes that it will get drilled into my thick skull one day. Although yesterday I found myself flooded with this emotion of “I frickin’ love my body and myself today” up until last night.. which I naturally milked to death.
I’m ashamed to admit that I think deep down I do desire one of those highly sought after deep connections and meaningful relationships with a man who is a good match for me. Stupid right? Not really. Why should it be? It’s in the very essence and spirit of the human race to desire a connection and romantic relations with another person, be it the same or opposite sex, you know, whatever you fancy really. But why have I somehow conditioned myself to buy this nonsense about how wanting a man to be with is the ultimate sign of weakness? How did that happen? I guess maybe I”ve been so obsessed with trying so desperately to prove that hello, I don’t need no man, I can do it on my own. Anything he can do, I can jolly well do better. And you know, there’s some nifty toys out there, (or so I hear….) so since purely on technicality, men are really only needed for biological progress of the human race, who needs emotional intimacy or even sexual pleasures, right?
Again, sadly not. I guess I should stop beating myself up so much about the things I truly desire. OR maybe I should figure out what the hell it is that I want first. I really don’t think relationships are a good idea, particularly because of how much of an epic mess my life is right now, but then again, there are perks of being in one, eh? Perhaps, it is just loneliness that’s getting the better of me. Then I delve right into work, hoping to redeem whatever’s left but screw up there too and emerge emptier and more desperate than ever before.
And then, of course, I turn, right back to the source of my sextimacy cycle, the good ol’ D-bag.