Dreams

Have you ever had one of those dreams where when you wake up you can still feel the horror and dread from the dream? Last night I had one of those and when I woke up, I was so thankful it wasn't my reality. Honestly, it was my reality not that long ago but now it's my nightmare.
This dream centered around my ex-fiancé who is a past qualifier. I was with the guy for a total of almost 2 years and it was one of the most toxic and damaging relationships of my life. Additionally I believe the man is a psychopath; he oozes pure evil. During our relationship, I was his shadow and for way too many years, I idolized him. I tolerated abuse, disrespect, and a bunch of reprehensible treatment that I never should have.
In my dream, I hooked up with him again. We had sex and then he left me alone while he went to run errands or something. I vividly remember being horrified that I broke my sobriety and celibacy streak. I wracked my brain trying to figure out how to fix the colossal failure. I remember sitting down to use the bathroom and seeing the blood in my underwear. He was long gone. Unfortunately it was a scene that actually occurred on multiple occasions and although I hate to admit it now, with multiple men.
During my morning routine, I thought about how I allowed all of those men to use me for anything they could and then just discard me like I was garbage. And I allowed them to do so over and over again because I felt like I was garbage. I am beyond grateful for the new life that God has blessed me with and I can honestly say I am looking forward to my future!!!

Acceptance

This week has been a struggle for me thus far. I have been depressed, sad, tired, and feeling uneasy. I think I need to work on strengthening my acceptance skills because sometimes in life, that's all you can do. Of course I found a great article. From mindbodygreen.com:

5 Things Everyone Should Know About Acceptance
By: Megan Bruneau

The first time someone posed the idea of "acceptance" to me, I was chatting with my first therapist. We were discussing my relationship with my dad (cliche, I know), and she suggested I "accept" that I might never have with him the relationship I desired. I was appalled.
Excuse me? You're my therapist. Aren't you supposed to have the answers to how I can fix this? What a bogus profession. Therapy sucks.
As I got older, I began to understand why desiring something else — something that was, for the most part, out of my control — was causing me more pain than acceptingthat, at least for now, this was the way it was going to be. Consider a common saying in Buddhist philosophy: Suffering = pain x resistance. Essentially, accepting the "pain" (or reality, or experience, or relationship) causes less suffering than struggling vainly against it.
Here's the thing about acceptance. In many cases, we have a choice. We can either accept or reject, and much of the time rejecting doesn't change our reality, it just causes pain.
We talk a lot about acceptance in therapy, but we don't always unpack the word. Here are five things to know about acceptance that you might not have considered:

1. Acceptance does not mean liking, wanting, choosing, or supporting.
No one is suggesting you like, want, or support whatever it is that you're accepting (in the case of the formula, the "pain"). But, by struggling against the pain — by resisting and rejecting it — we create undue suffering. It doesn't mean that you've chosen or endorse what you're accepting. It doesn't mean you like your anxiety, want your chronic pain, would choose your body, or support an injustice that's happened to you or someone else.
Rather, you're choosing to allow it to be there when you can't change it in that moment. To make space for it. To give yourself permission to be as you are, feel what you feel, or have experienced what you've experienced without creating unproductive shame or anxiety. The pain might still be there, but some of the suffering will be alleviated.

2. Acceptance is an active process. It must be practiced.
Remember that "accept" is a verb. It's an active process, one that must be practiced consciously. It's rare that we one day choose to accept our emotional or physical pain, our bodies, our difficult relationships, or our pasts, and never think about it again.
It can require effort at times (or most of the time, at least initially). It can be frustrating at times. But, like creating a clearing in a grass field by walking the same path many times, every time you practice acceptance toward something, you create and strengthen neural pathways in your brain, facilitating ease in the future.
Practice compassion to yourself alongside acceptance. Practice acceptance of the challenges you're having practicing acceptance! It's natural to vacillate back and forth between feelings of acceptance and feelings of resistance. Make space for the spectrum of experience, and notice your internal critic quieten.

3. Acceptance doesn't mean that you can't work on changing things.
Many people believe that acceptance is a sign of apathy. Passivity. Giving up. Relinquishing agency. However, this doesn't have to be the case. Acceptance can be practiced alongside action, as is the basis of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Practicing acceptance does not necessarily mean you won't be able to make a change. You can accept your body and still change it, accept your emotions and acknowledge their impermanence, and accept your behavior one day when you might change it tomorrow ... which brings me to my next point:

4. Acceptance doesn't mean you're accepting is going to be that way forever.
A decade later, the relationship I now have with my dad is galaxies different from what it used to be. I wouldn't say that's due entirely to acceptance, but it does show that acceptance doesn't always mean whatever you're accepting will be that way forever.
Try to focus your acceptance on the present, alongside an open and realistic gaze at the future. Focusing too much on the present can be counterproductive, as a large part of acceptance involves letting go of the desire that things will change — detaching from hope that, in some cases, creates suffering.
But sometimes imagining practicing acceptance forever can seem daunting, overwhelming, or impossible, so try to find that sweet spot where you're accepting the current moment, but not under the pretense that things will change in the future.

5. We can practice acceptance toward our experience, people, appearance, emotions, ideas, and more.
Acceptance can be practiced in all areas of your life: You can exercise it toward your current experience or reality, others' beliefs or ideas, your appearance, your emotions, your health, your past, your thoughts, or other individuals — to name a few examples.
Again, this doesn't mean you necessarily endorse whatever it is that you're accepting in these realms; rather, you recognize that you can't change the current nature of this exact moment, and accepting manages anxiety and helps calm.
I encourage you to share how acceptance has benefited your life in the past, areas it can be practiced that we don't always think of, and strategies you find helpful for practicing it. Carl Jung said "What [we] resist, persists." So, if the alternative to accepting is resisting, thereby potentially prolonging our pain and creating suffering. What do you choose?

Celibacy Celebration!!!

Today marks 480 days of celibacy for me which is a momentous occasion. This is by far the longest I have gone without sex since I lost my virginity almost 23 years ago. (But who's counting?! Lol)
In order to mark this occasion, I wanted to share this perfect article that I just ran across on Facebook. From Psychologytoday.com:

Maintaining Confidence Throughout the Dating Process

10 steps to a healthy relationship

By: Allison Abrams, LCSW-R

In my last post, “The Psychology of Modern Dating,” I describe some of the challenges that come with dating in a digital age and their effects on fundamental interpersonal processes. Despite the potential pitfalls, it is possible to take the pain out of dating. Below are some steps you can take to preserve your sense of worth and emotional well-being as you embark on the journey to love.

1. Know your worth.
Self-worth refers to the value you attribute to yourself as a person, across situations and independent of what others think. In other words, it comes from within rather than without. By knowing your worth, you are less reliant on another’s approval, thus protecting yourself from the harsh blows of rejection. Yes, rejection may still sting, but it will not break you. By valuing yourself, you are subconsciously requesting that others do the same. And this is a highly attractive quality.

2. Shift your mindset from “Do they like me?” to “Do I like them?”
“So many daters obsess over making the other person like them back, they forget that it’s a two-way street,” says dating expert Yue Xu. She suggests instead to ask yourself, “How can we connect? Finding a connection on a date is much more productive than finding out the other person is equally as attracted to you. A connection is what makes humans human.” In the end, consider what is more important to you: feeling popular in a virtual dating world, or finding the person with whom you will share your life.

3. Take the initiative.
This is especially significant for women, who are socialized to take a more passive stance when it comes to dating. Despite the progress we have made, genderstereotypes continue to pervade our society and our psyches. “Many women feel that they have to be chosen, no matter how far we’ve come,” says Venus Nicolino, aka Dr. V., relationship expert and author of Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bullsh*t. “No. You have the ability to choose. You don’t have to sit around . . . it’s about harnessing this level of confidence that punches generations, centuries, decades in the [face]. If your date is turned off by a woman who knows what she wants, they are not for you.” So, dare to defy all arbitrary and gender-confining “rules,” and go after what you want. The worst that can happen is that you will dodge a bullet and be one step closer to finding someone worthy of your love.                                 

4. Eliminate the word “perfection” from your dating vernacular.
Or even better, delete it from your vernacular altogether. Perfectionism, or compulsive attempts to attain the unattainable, is a recipe for failure and a key to unhappiness. In the search for a partner, there is no such thing as perfect. So stop looking for it. As cliché as it may sound, our “flaws” are what make us beautiful. As Joanna Coles, author of Love Rules: How to Find a Real Relationship in a Digital World, advises, “Embrace imperfection and find a partner who embraces yours.”   

5. Keep an open mind.
“Wait. Don’t swipe left yet!” urges Trish McDermott, dating coach and one of the founding members of Match.com. “You’re not shopping for a pair of jeans.” She advises daters to take a minute to look beyond physical characteristics and ask: Who are they? What do they believe, think, or want in life? How do they treat the people they love? She reminds us, “It’s never height or hair color that gets us through difficult times with a partner.”

6. Debunk the myth of playing “hard to get.”
Somehow the idea came to be that aloofness and playing “hard to get” will lead to a healthy, loving connection. In reality, all this does is create a relationship based on game-playing. “There is an attitude among young people that the person who cares less wins. Wrong!” says Nicolino. “The person who cares less, gets less. Would you apply caring less to any other area in your life? Your job? Your family? So why are we doing it in our relationships?” Nicolino suggests that instead we lean into love: “If the other person doesn’t know how to be loved, how to take in your care, then you know they aren’t for you, and you didn’t waste three weeks or three years or 30 years!”

7. Do not selectively listen.
When someone tells you something about themselves, listen. This may sound simple, but let’s face it, sometimes we hear what we want to hear. Especially when it comes to finding love. “If someone tells you all the reasons they can’t be in a serious relationship right now, from career to travel,” says Xu, “listen to what they’re saying. It’s not necessarily about you at all. They are telling you they’re unlikely to commit, and you need to accept that. Find someone who is on the same page you are.” And please avoid the trap of believing that you will be able to change someone.

8. Take a hint. 
Do yourself a favor and take a hint when you see one. “Do not invent ridiculous reasons why they didn’t respond to that last text,” advises Coles. “If you were looking for a job, for example, you would return the call. You would not make vague excuses as to why it took you three days to answer. Assume they are not interested and move on.” If you do this, she says, you will save yourself time and heartache: “Nothing is more depressing than having to persuade someone to commit to you. Be brave and end it.” It is also important not to personalize. Rejection is part of the process.

9. Get offline.
There is nothing inherently wrong with swipe apps or online dating overall. It is one more avenue to meeting new people. But important to remember is that it is just that — one more avenue. It is not the only one. Dating and relationship coach Jonathan Bennett says that one of the best ways to have more dating success is to leave the house and make a genuine effort to meet new people. This could involve exploring new hobbies or interests, but can also be as simple as going to the grocery store — “Then, when you are out, make an effort to actually connect with new people. Even a smile or saying ‘hi’ can go a long way.” There are opportunities for connection everywhere. If we can look up from our phones long enough, we may even find one.

10. Live a first-class life.
Live your life as if you will never find “the one.” Or if that sounds too depressing, imagine someone read your future and told you that everything turns out okay in the end. In other words, assume that it is already in the cards for you. You can now sit back and enjoy the process without the desperation. By not resting all of your happiness on the hopes of meeting the person of your dreams, you will avoid disappointment, disillusionment, dating-induced depression, and desperation. Plus, it is a well-known phenomenon that the moment you stop looking for something — or in this case, someone — is usually when it shows up.
Above are just some of the “tips” of the iceberg in terms of dating smarter and increasing your chances of finding love — without compromising your emotional and psychological well-being. “Understand that dating is a process of failing your way to success,” says McDermott. “If you aren’t out there on awkward dates that go nowhere, sending emails that don’t get returned, or having to end things after a few dates because you realize this isn’t the right person for you, then you aren’t getting a step closer to finding love.” Let yourself fail, she advises, “Then dust yourself off and get right back in there. You have to be in it to win it!”

Life is so short...

Today I got the news that a girl I went to college with died in a car accident last night. She was going to get married later on this year to the love of her life. She was only 23 years old. Rest in peace, Abby.
I found an article about living the best life you can without fear because you never know when it will be your last. From wanderlustworker.com:

Life Is Short: 8 Steps For Embracing It And Following Your Dreams

I woke up this morning thinking about all the sadness in the world. I’m not sure why. Maybe it has something to do with the news. Maybe not. But what I have realized over the years is something very powerful and motivating. The plain and simple truth is that life is short. You’re here one minute then gone the next.
It’s funny. We don’t actually think about this much. Until tragedy strikes us, we don’t give it a second thought. We never realize that life is short and it’s meant to be lived. Instead, we’re immersed in stress, anxiety and fear. Fear. That’s a word that many of us live and die by. Not physically. But emotionally and mentally. Even financially. Yes, sometimes even spiritually.
We’re all victims of fear. We all conjure up these what-if scenarios in our minds that drive us crazy. What are we so afraid of? Why are we so deathly running in one direction when we should be embracing fear? This has nothing to do with you or me or anyone else. It’s pre-programmed into our minds. We’re afraid of pain. All kinds of pain. So we try to embrace pleasure.
Tony Robbins often says that we’ll do more to avoid pain than we will to gain pleasure. We would do more to avoid $25,000 being taken from us than going out there and earning an extra $25,000. But this fear of pain is ruining our lives. Life is too short to live this way. It could just be our last day on earth for all we know.
We always hear about people being taken from this world too suddenly. Some calamity strikes and they’re gone. Here one day and vanished the next. As if they were some memory. And when that happens, you realize that life is incredibly short. But after the pain and agony of that subsides, you realize something else. Life is meant to be lived.
Don’t wake up another day to live in fear. Embrace it. Follow it. Love the fear. Move outside of your comfort zone and do things that you normally wouldn’t do because today could be the last day. You might not even know it. But if you don’t enjoy the journey rather than worrying so much about the past or trying so hard to achieve something far into the future, then what’s the point?
Sure, there are things that we need to do. There are goals that we must achieve. I know that. But what about this thing called fear? If you don’t tackle it, not only will you never achieve your goals at the highest level, but you’ll live a life so constricted by the mere thought of something that you’ll never extricate yourself from the confines of your own self-inflicted prison.

How To Embrace Life

Considering that life is so short, we have to embrace it. When I say embrace it, I mean the fear. Ever get that feeling, when you had been so afraid of doing something for so long, and then you successfully did it, that you suddenly became empowered by it? Something like public speaking or asking a girl out on a date. Stuff like that. Know what I mean?
Fear is very powerful. Most of us would rather live these complacent lives than to embrace and overcome our fears. But that’s not enough. That doesn’t work if you want to take life by the horns and really make something of it. When you live in fear, everything becomes a larger struggle because you’re fighting so hard to move away from the potential pain that you forget about what it means to live life itself.
As an entrepreneur, I can tell you that I’ve often lived in fear in the past. It wasn’t until I moved myself out of my comfort zone that I was able to take the bull by the proverbial horns. It wasn’t easy. Nope. Not at all. I was so used to living in fear for much of my life that I was stifled by it. But then something happened and I came to realize that life was too short to be paralyzed by fear.
So I embraced life. I welcomed fear. In fact, I beckoned it. I started doing things that I was deathly afraid of doing. And you know what? Some wonderful things started to happen. I found people who were ready and willing to help me. I began attracting the right things into my life. I wasn’t just thinking abundantly. I was acting it.
Through the failures in life, I’ve learned a lot of great lessons. I’ve learned about the nature of people. I’ve learned about business. Love. Contribution. And most importantly, about persistence. So if you’re sitting there thinking that you’re too afraid to embrace life after just realizing that life is incredibly short because some event has jarred you out of your thinking, here’s what you should do right now.

#1 — Write down everything that you’re passionate about in life

When was the last time you stopped to write down what you were passionate about in life? No. Not just think it in your mind. To actually write it down? Been awhile? There’s a certain switch that happens when we write things down. It moves from the abstract into reality. Thoughts materialize on paper in front of us. This is monumentally important.
Ask yourself what are you passionate about? Don’t answer something superficial like money. Money is just a conduit to something else like freedom or security. The question is about passion. You’re not passionate about money. Maybe about what money would bring. But forget about money for a moment. What else are you passionate about?
Is it your family? Is it helping others? Is it traveling? Is it new experiences? Is it reading books? Write it down. Write down everything that you’re passionate about and then a short description of why it means so much to you in life. This is crucial. Don’t skip this step.

#2 — Write down what you’re no longer willing to tolerate

We usually end up tolerating things because we’re too afraid of the alternatives. For example, you might tolerate a relationship because you’re too afraid of divorce. You might tolerate your 9-to-5 job because you’re too afraid of starting your own business and failing. Or you might tolerate your diet because you’re too afraid of trying to lose weight and failing or what others might think about you.
What have you been tolerating? What have you put up with in your life for far too long?  Don’t just think about it. Write it down. Again, writing it down makes it real. Thinking about it keeps it in the abstract. Write it down then write down why  you’re no longer willing to tolerate it.
Something uncanny happens when you do this. You won’t realize it right away. But your mind will start searching for ways to overcome those things that you’ve been tolerating for too long and have been holding you back in life. Watch. Just do it and you’ll see how it unfolds.

#3 — Revisit the big goals that you gave up on

When you realize how short life is, you begin to understand why you can’t sit around on your hands any longer. And that you need to revisit those big goals that you gave up on. Write them down. What did you want out of life that you gave up on? What did you settle for instead? Why did that happen?
We live in fear too often. We think that if we reach for something and fall flat on our faces that it’s the end of everything. We failed miserably. But you know what? That’s okay. I’ve learned more lessons through failure than anything else. It drives you. It motivates you to reach for more.
What’s stopping you from going after that goal? Remember, life is too short to allow it to slip through your fingers. Don’t let a tragedy jar you you and awaken you to that simple and realistic fact. Don’t ignore this. Do it right here and right now. Be honest with yourself.

#4 — Create a new set of empowering goals

Ever heard that saying, the best time to start is now? Well, it’s true. Rewrite your goals and create a solid plan of action. You can still go after goals that you had years and years ago. Did you know that Colonel Harland Sanders, founder of KFC, was 62 years old when he started what’s now become the most famous chicken restaurant franchise in the world? And it was after many many failures with just $105 to his name.
Don’t make excuses. Life’s too short for that. Create a new set of empowering goals that will fuel you and drive you forward. Don’t be afraid to fail. As long as you don’t give up, you won’t fail. Just get back up again and keep pushing. Complacency is not an option. When you look back at things, you’ll never think about the things you did, you’ll think about the chances you didn’t take.
It’s tough to have regret like that at the end. We’re so busy worrying about present-day problems that we forget about the long-term benefits of achieving our biggest and most outlandish goals. Go for it. Don’t cower away in fear. Push and push. Your future-self will most definitely thank you for it.

#5 — Come up with compelling reasons to achieve your goals

We will always do more for others than we’ll do for ourselves. With that in mind, come up with some compelling reasons for achieving your goals. What can you do for others? What can you do for your family or friends? What about for the community? What matters most to you? That’s what’s important. Not individualistic desires.
I know that you’re like me and that you would go out of your way for people close to you. You’d do whatever it took if they were in danger, wouldn’t you? Well, why not do whatever it takes now, even if they’re not in danger? What type of life can you provide for your family or what value can you give to the world if you were to achieve your dreams?
Figure that out and you’ll find the solution. Come up with reasons that you would quite literally give life and limb for. I’m not exaggerating. Think about it. In the past, didn’t you do whatever it took to achieve something when you really wanted it badly.?And I mean badly enough? Of course you did. That’s the secret sauce right there.

#6 — Write down 3 times in your life that you’ve overcome fears and succeeded

Fear produces stress and anxiety. It engulfs us like a wildfire. I hate that feeling. But it’s also true that we have all overcome our fears in the past. Even if they were little ones. We’ve had breakthroughs. Get back to that point, mentally speaking. What situations can you recall right now where you overcame your fears to succeed?
Even if it was something not major. That’s okay. But don’t just think about it. Write it down. Be descriptive. What were you thinking? What was going through your mind? How were you so afraid but were able to overcome it? What thought process did you have to go through to get there?
The biggest take away? Find out what you did to overcome that fear. And see how it can help you overcome what you’re afraid of today. Be honest. The more honest you are, the better. You have to walk through the pain. You can’t ignore it.

#7 — Do something outside of your comfort zone

We all have a comfort zone. I know I have one. But pushing yourself out of that is important. Even if it’s something small. For example, if you’re afraid of meeting new people, go to networking events and speak to others. Push yourself. It’s only temporary discomfort. But that temporary discomfort could mean a lifetime of empowerment and comfort.
It seems small. I know. But our little actions build up steam. It creates momentum. If you’re deathly afraid of public speaking, find a way you can speak in public. Embrace the fear. Literally. Life is too short to ignore it. It doesn’t take too much to get this going. If you’re deathly afraid of heights, get on an airplane or go up a really tall building and peer down the side. Whatever it it takes.
Your life is literally on the line here. It’s easy to ignore fears rather than to embrace them. But you embrace them, something happens inside of you that’s inexplicable. You change. And it’s for the better. It gives you fuel for the fire to achieve anything you want out of life. Nothing is impossible when you embrace your fears. Remember that.

#8 — Contribute something of value to help others

When was the last time you did something for someone else? Do you often search for ways to help others? For me, that’s one of the most important things in life. I want to find ways that I can help the people around me. And you should too. You know why? Because life is about contribution. It’s too short to only worry about yourself.
The best part? If you can find something that fuels you that’s bigger than just you, it gives you purpose. When you add value to the lives of others, an extraordinary transformation occurs. Imagine being able to make money doing something you love and also giving to other people at the same time.
Of course, this isn’t just about making money. You should find ways to contribute in any way possible. Donate your time to help others solve some problem or just to lend a helping hand. If you have disposable income, consider donating some of it. Do something to make the world and the lives of others better and you’ll begin to attract good things in life.

Reading People (Part 2)

Because I find this to be such a fascinating topic, here's another article from YouQueen.com:




3 Tips to Become a Better Judge of Character
By: Maria Montgomery


We’ve all been there. We’ve fallen for the wrong person, picked the wrong boss to work for or hired the wrong employees. Here’s how to avoid it in the future.

If you’ve ever misjudged someone, you are not alone. Most people have. It takes practice to learn to decipher people’s personality. Here are three steps that will make it a lot easier next time you need to be great at judging character.



1. Step Back
Have you ever noticed how engrossed you can become in a conversation with someone? Maybe you are fully focused on the topic at hand, your brain working as fast as the cogwheels can turn to consider what is being said.

Or, instead of focusing on the conversation, you are focusing on how you are feeling and what you think the other person is thinking about you (or at least wondering what they are thinking about you).

Next time you have a conversation, any conversation, take a step back (metaphorically speaking). As the other person speaks, listen to their tone of voice.

Does it match the words they are saying? Look at their body language.

How do they use their hands to gesture? Are they matching and mirroring you with their body? (We tend to copy each other’s movements unconsciously when we have a rapport with someone; chances are you copy theirs too.) Look at their face as well. What are they communicating with their facial expressions?

2. Examine Your Intentions
Do you really want that job? So badly maybe that you’d rather listen to the good things your interviewer is saying about the job than notice the fact that you don’t really like them, or the negative aspects of the job?

Do you really want to date that guy? So badly that maybe you ignore the fact that he isn’t great at replying at texts, doesn’t put any effort into coming up with dates and isn’t usually there when you need him? He would be great if only he put in the effort. But he isn’t.

As they say: food shopping when you are hungry isn’t the best idea.

If you want something badly or don’t want something, your desires get in the way of judgment. Best way to overcome it? There are a few:

When having to make a decision, take five minutes, five hours or sleep on it. Signing a business contract or deciding to be someone’s girlfriend can change your life, so take your time. Impatience might give you quick results, but they may not be the results you want long term.

Meditate. This allows you to get a bird’s eye view of your life and what you truly think about the people in it.

Examine your desires. Find out what it is you want. Then write down all your impressions about a person/situation. Not just the good, not just the bad, but all of them. Be careful to see both the positive and negative, and measure your own intentions against the pros and cons.

3. Listen to that Little Voice
You know the one. It’s the one that tells you to take the longer route to work on a day when you’d otherwise get stuck on traffic on the “faster” route. It’s the one that niggles you when everything is seemingly perfect because it just doesn’t feel right. It’s the one that tells you to go for opportunities that might not make sense at the moment.

That voice isn’t just intuition—it’s what you’ve picked up unconsciously from someone’s body language. It’s the details your conscious mind might not have registered, but your unconscious mind did register them. Sometimes it’s intuition – inexplicable, but true.

It’s easy to mix up the voices though. Fear will also speak to you. As will desire. So pay attention and determine which voice is what.

I once made a promise to myself that when my intuition spoke I had to pay attention. Many times, intuition does not seem logical at first. It’s not logical to run for the bus when it’s supposed to be there in five minutes. Yet, I found if I heard that voice, I would miss the bus if I didn’t run.

It took practice not to overrule the voice with logic. Sometimes logic or desire are so fast that I don’t even realize until afterwards that I had heard the voice. Especially if, say, I was really excited about something, wanted to do it and saw no logical reason not to do it, it was hard to listen to a voice that told me no. But every time the voice was right. So listen.

Reading People

Historically I have been a horrible judge of character. As you can imagine, this has wreaked havoc on my interpersonal relationships over the years, especially those with a romantic focus. Of course my love and sex addiction usually exacerbated this dynamic which obviously led to some pretty horrific consequences. I decided to write about this topic because I recently learned that a man I have known for about 22 years who I always thought of as a good and kind person was arrested and jailed on child porn charges. Not only did he admit to police that he viewed and shared child porn online, an undercover investigator posing as a 14 year old girl communicated with him electronically during which he sent naked pictures of himself and requested them from her.
So now I am curious: Can I improve my judgment of character skills? If so, how? I believed (albeit falsely) that having a bachelor's degree in psychology would help me with this process but any progress I have made over the course of my life is due to personal experience rather than my degree. I have always hated the fact that I am so naive and it seems like I continue to be in some ways.


Here's an article I found about this topic. From RealSimple.com:



5 Tricks to Reading People
Who knew that your date would turn out to be a jerk? And that the assistant you hired is actually terrible under pressure? These experts. Let our whizzes, including a jury consultant and a waiter who became a tell-all author, help you improve your people-reading skills.

By:  Rebecca Webber




1. Take Them Out to Dinner.
As a waiter, I always watch to see if, and how, customers’ demeanors change when they talk to me as opposed to the person they’re eating with. If they’re engaged and personable with the people at the table but then don’t look me in the eye or say “please” and “thank you,” I think that reveals a lot. I’ve heard of people taking job candidates to restaurants to see how they interact with the servers, because it’s a good indicator of how they will treat their coworkers. It’s also telling for me to see how people react to bad news. When I say we’re out of a dish or the food is going to take longer than normal, do they let it roll off their backs? Or do they ask how that could possibly happen and say it’s unacceptable? In most cases—in restaurants and in life—there is a reasonable explanation. When people get upset, it tells me that they sweat the small stuff.
—Darron Cardosa is a blogger and the author of The Bitchy Waiter. He lives in New York City.



2. Watch for “Actually.…”
There are telltale words that show a person is the type who likes to bait you into an argument—especially online. If someone starts a comment with “Actually,” he is trying to correct you. Or ending a comment with “Right?” He wants you to engage. Another common indicator is chiming in with an anecdote to shut you down. For example, you write, “X percent of baby boys don’t get this vaccine.” And he writes, “My brother got that. You’re wrong.” OK, you have a personal story that you think negates all other information. What I tell people, especially female writers I work with, is that when a person comes back more than once with an “actually” or a “Right?” or an anecdote, that person is trying to cause trouble.
—Annemarie Dooling is the head of growth and audience correspondence at Vocativ.com, a news website. She lives in New York City.


3. Have Them Tell a Story Twice.
With all of our electronic communication these days—and even more so with dating apps—everyone has the chance to fabricate. Maybe they tell one person one thing and another person something else, just to get what they want out of situations. I’m newly single for the first time in seven years, and one of the things I look for is consistency when someone tells me a story. I’ll say, “Hey, remember that story you told me? What happened at the end?” Getting the same response—or not—says something about his honesty.
—Jessie Kay is the founder of the Real Matchmaker. She lives in Los Angeles.



4. Listen for a Straight Answer.
How directly someone speaks to you can be a big indicator of how forthright she is overall. This is something we look for when we’re working with witnesses but also when we’re looking at jurors. When someone immediately answers the question, we usually feel she is being honest with us. When someone talks and talks in a roundabout way, giving 15 explanations for what she’s about to say, and then gives you the answer at the very end, she might be telling the truth, or she might be wrestling with it. It hurts your credibility if you’re not immediately direct.
—Leslie Ellis, Ph.D., is a jury consultant at DecisionQuest, a national litigation consulting firm. She lives in Washington, D.C.


5. Ask if They’ve Broken a Bone.
This is strictly observational; there’s no data out there on this. But I have seven children, and I’ve noticed a definite bimodal distribution when it comes to broken bones. Three of them have had multiple broken bones—arms, shoulders, whatever. Four of them have never broken a bone. The ones that break bones tend to be more aggressive and daring. They’re also risk-takers, which can be a good thing. The others are more cautious and deliberate. It’s the same with my grandchildren. I have one who will jump off a couch and assume Grandpa will catch her. Her brother will climb up and down the stairs of the slide until he finally goes down slowly.

Don't waste your love

I found this article on curiousmindmagazine.com and it really spoke to me because this describes my entire life before entering recovery.

Stop Wasting Your Love On Those Who Aren’t Ready To Love You
By: Riley Cooper

I know you think this is hard. I know you think that it’s impossible to stop loving someone whom you’ve loved and cared about all your life.
But the truth is – yes, this is hard and painful too, but it’s not impossible.

I know that you’re someone who truly cares about your personal relationships. You’re someone who makes sure you’re always there for others. You’re someone who enjoys making your loved ones happy.
And I also know that you always try to please others because you feel good about yourself when you feel accepted and approved by others.
But let me tell you something: It’s exactly this need to please everyone and be there for others no matter what that steals your time, your energy, and your happiness.
Giving your time, attention, and love to someone who never bothers to make time for you is nothing else but a sign of lack of self-respect.

What’s the point in investing all your energy and love in someone who neglects and ignores you? Someone who takes you for granted.
People who treat you these ways only bring sadness and pain into your life. They make you feel lonely and disregarded.
The truth is that you can’t make someone love you, be it a friend, family member, co-worker, or romantic partner. Love always happens naturally. Love can never be forced.
Therefore, stop wasting your love on those who have no time for you.Those who stand high on your list of priorities but never bother to squeeze you into their “busy schedule.”
Stop giving your love to those who only see you as an option. Those who call you or are good to you only when they need something from you. Those who are kind to and loving toward you only when they want to take advantage of you.
Stop wasting your time on those who don’t even deserve a tiny bit of your attention and energy. Those who are indifferent to you and have no interest in your feelings, opinions, needs, and wishes.
Stop having conversations with people who don’t listen to you.People who don’t care about your opinions or about how you’re feeling. People who pretend like they’re listening to you when you’re sharing your problems with them or complaining because they don’t want to lose the only person who always helps and supports them unselfishly.
Stop sacrificing yourself for people who only care about their own feelings, opinions, needs, and problems. People who don’t care about what’s going on in your life or what you’re going through.
Stop sacrificing your happiness and needs for people who would never do the same for you.
The truth is that no matter how good you are to others or how much you love them, not everyone will love you. And that is what makes it so special and valuable when you find the few people with whom you’re able to create a deep, meaningful connection. The people with whom you can have a true friendship or relationship.
But the more you try to make someone love you when they’re simply incapable of doing that, the more you rob yourself of that genuine connection.

There are billions of people in the world, and there’re so many of them who can connect with you on a deep mental, emotional, and spiritual level, keep up with you, and vibrate with you to the same frequency.
But the more you give your time and love to people who use you only as a second option, a punching bag, or a therapist, the more you keep yourself away from the genuine people you crave.

And if you think that you might ruin your relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, if you stop communicating or hanging out with someone, or stop trying to make your relationship with someone work, know that you’re awfully wrong.
Because if any of your relationships fails, that will mean that the only thing that sustained it was the time and effort you and you alone were investing in it.
And that, my friend, is not love. That’s called attachment.
What you need to understand is that the two most precious things you have in your life are your time and your energy. How you spend them and whom you devote them to are what define your existence.
Once you realize this, you’ll start to understand why you feel so anxious, stressed out, frustrated, and drained when you spend your time with people who are wrong for you and who don’t deserve a place in your life.
You’ll realize that the most important and reasonable thing you can do for yourself is to protect and preserve your energy.
And you can do that by allowing into your life only people that truly care about you. People who will prove worthy of your attention, respect, and love. People who bring out the best in you. People who bring happiness and joy into your life and give you a sense of fulfillment.
You need to understand that it’s not your duty to save and fix everyone. It’s not your duty to always be there for others and take care of other people’s needs, wishes, and problems at the expense of your own.
It’s not your duty to give your time and love to others because you want to please them, or because you feel sorry for them, or because you want them to like you.
But it is your duty to realize that you’re the only one who determines the course of your own life and that you accept the love and respect you think you are worthy of.
It’s your duty to realize that you deserve to be surrounded by honest, kind, compassionate, and positive people.

And when you start implementing these things in your life, you’ll see how everything will start to change. Change for the better.

One of my character flaws

From purposefairy.com:

What Others Are Doing Is None Of Your Business 
By: Luminita D. Saviuc

I know a lot of people that are always preoccupied with what those around them are doing and what those around them are saying and because of this, they can’t seem to get ahead with their lives. They get so stressed about everything that happens around them, about those situations and people that have nothing to do with them, those situations and behaviors that don’t even affect them.
Why in the world would you care what others are doing with their lives, why in the world would you stress about their actions and behaviors? Let them live their lives the way they know, the way they think is best for them. If you keep on worrying about others, if you are always looking to see what they are doing, you will have no time to work on yourself. You will have no time to improve and grow.
I was going to visit my mother the other day and I was in the car with a lady, some kind of relative. I really don’t know her that well but as we were sitting in the car, all of a sudden she started talking about this lady whose husband just died. Instead of empathizing with the poor woman, she started throwing garbage at her and saying all these horrible things about her. And while doing this, she was so emotional, so frustrated and mad about what that person has done.
This is why there are so many of us out there feeling miserable. This is one of the reasons why we can’t evolve, we can’t really be happy.
Let others be.
So what if they are making mistakes, so what if they are making some bad choices? Let them do what they know how to do, let them live their lives in the way they know best. Let them learn from their mistakes and judge them not.
None of us is perfect. None of us is faultless.
We all make mistakes, we all, at one point or another, make some wrong choices that we might regret later but it’s all part of the process. We make mistakes, we fall, we look for the lesson that is to be learned and we move on. You will never develop, you will never improve yourself if you are constantly worrying about what others are doing. Stop judging those around you and start asking yourself questions like: Why is it that they are acting this way? What is the cause of their behaviors?”
When somebody is acting in a destructive manner, know that he or she might be in a great deal of pain, that person has no love for herself and is projecting her inner feelings, her inner state on the outer world, on those around her. A person who is love, a person who has to learn to love herself will have only love to give and share with those around her. Love and nothing else.
When you judge those around you, know that you aren’t defining them. What you see is a reflection of yourself and what you don’t like in them, what you can’t accept in those around you, you haven’t accepted in yourself. When you judge them, you actually defining yourself as somebody who constantly feels the need to find fault in others, to criticize and complain. I gave up hanging out with this kind of people a long time ago because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I rather have a small group of friends, I rather stay alone and do my writing, read the books I love, listen to the music I like than be around people like this.
If you want to grow, if you want to change your bad behaviors, if you want to improve your life, your relationships and yourself, stay away from people like this. Watch them, learn from them but don’t allow them to poison your mind. Know who you are, know where you’re going and pay no attention to what others are doing and what aren’t doing. You live your life and they live theirs. Who are we to judge them? Who are we to say what’s best for them? Only they can figure this thing out.
Focus your attention on yourself, your behaviors, your dreams, your purpose and look not for fault in others. All you need to know is that you have to be better than you used to be and not better than others. You are you and they are them. Every time you focus your attention on outward, every time you choose to compare yourself with others, you will lose sight of who you really are. This will weaken you and you might lose faith in what you can and can’t do.
The most important person in your life is you and all you need to do is better than you used to be. Never stop learning. Never stop growing and improving and remember that.

True nobility is not about being better than anybody else, it’s about being better than you used to be. ~ Wayne Dyer

Interesting Research

From Psychologytoday.com:

How Do Single and Married People Spend Their Time?

The biggest difference: Single people spend more time on their education.

By: Bella DePaulo Ph.D.

Posted Jan 28, 2019

Most people know better than to ask why I am single, as if there is something wrong with that. There is, though, a different question that people wonder about when they learn that I am single — what do I do with my time?
I can do better than to tell you just about me. The U.S. Census Bureau conducts an annual American Time Use Survey, in which more than 26,000 people answer questions about how they spent their time on the previous day. Households are chosen from every state in the nation. If more than one person lives in the household, one participant is selected at random from the people who are 15 and older. The most recent data available are from 2017 and are posted at the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
For people interested in how people of different marital statuses spend their time, the reporting only offers answers in broad strokes. I’d like to see the results for different kinds of unmarried people (never married, divorced, widowed, cohabiting) reported separately, but the findings are presented only for two categories: (1) married people (and only if they are living with their spouse) and (2) everyone else. Also, the analyses simply compare all of the married people to all of the people who are not married, without trying to take into account other ways the groups might differ. That means we can’t know whether it is marital status that matters most, or something else, such as the participants’ age, their financial status, whether they are working, or whether they have kids in the house.

Keeping those qualifications in mind, here are the ways in which married and unmarried adults in the U.S. differ most in how they spend their time.
1. Every day, single people spend an average 52 minutes more on educational activities than married people do.
The biggest marital status difference is in educational activities, such as taking classes for credit or for fun, and doing relevant activities, such as research or homework. Single people spend about 56 minutes a day, whereas married people spend only 4 minutes a day.
2. Single people spend 43 minutes more per day on sleeping and personal care.
On average, single people spend just under 10 hours a day sleeping, showering, dressing, and engaging in “health-related self-care and personal and private activities.” (I wish they reported the results for sleeping separately from everything else.) Married people spend 9.24 hours per day on those activities.

3. Every day, married people spend an average of 41 minutes more on household activities than single people do.
Household activities are chores, such as housework, yard work, taking care of the house, taking care of the car, cooking, and taking care of pets. Married people spend an average of 2.15 hours per day on chores; single people spend just under 1.5 hours.
4. Single people spend an average of 40 more minutes per day on leisure andsports.
Leisure includes relaxing, listening to music, reading for fun, watching TV, using the computer or the internet to pursue your own personal interests, and going to artistic, cultural, or entertainment events. The category of sports includes participating in, attending, or watching sporting events, as well as exercising, dancing, and playing games, such as pool or horseshoes.

Single people spend about 5.6 hours a day on leisure and sports, whereas married people spend about 4.9 hours.
Leisure does not include texting, emailing, or calling people for reasons other than work. That’s a separate category, and the married and single people hardly differed at all in the time they spent on those activities.
5. Married people spend an average of 38 minutes more per day working.
Work includes activities you are paid for, including traditional jobs as well as more informal activities, such as selling items you made yourself. It also includes work-related activities. such as looking for a job and business lunches.
Married people spend an average of 3.89 hours per day working, whereas single people spend 3.26 hours. (The numbers are not higher, because weekends are averaged in, and some people haven’t started working yet, or have retired, or are out of work.)
Another way to look at the survey data is to rank-order the activities that the married and single people spend most of their time doing. From that perspective, the two groups are very similar. The top five categories are the same for both:

Sleeping and personal care

Leisure and sports

Working

Household activities

Eating and drinking (the amount of time the married and single people spend on this is similar)

The two groups don’t differ in rank-ordering until we get to the activity ranked 6th: For single people, it is educational activities, and for married people, it is purchasing goods and services, whether online or in person (for example, grocery shopping, clothes shopping, and putting gas in the car). Married and single people don’t differ much in the time they spend purchasing goods and services, but that category ranks higher for married people.
In summary, married people spend more time on chores and working, whereas single people spend more time on educational activities, sleeping and personal care, and leisure and sports. Overall, though, both groups spend more time sleeping and having fun than they do working.

470 days

Well, today marks 470 days in recovery and the more time passes, the more thankful and grateful I am for my sobriety.
I have noticed that since I have stopped accepting less than I deserve, I have become hyper aware of anyone else who sells themselves short in this way. I know I alluded to this in last night's post but my primary issue all of these years was letting others treat me badly. And I did that because I thought so poorly of myself and subsequently treated myself poorly. When I reflect on all that I accepted and tolerated from others, it makes me sick. It also makes me feel sad because I owed myself so much more. What mitigates those bad feelings a bit is the fact that I won't abandon myself ever again. From here on out, I will make it a priority to put my happiness, wellbeing, and self care first. It's simply not worth it to do anything less!

The Key

I think that after all of these years, I can definitively say that my issues with men and being treated poorly all stems from one thing: I didn't love myself at all. In actuality, I absolutely hated me. I know it's cliche to talk about loving yourself but it's true. I know I have always had weak or nonexistent boundaries with others, especially men. However it's only been lately that I realized this was an issue with everyone I interacted with, not just men. I allowed myself to be treated poorly by everyone and perhaps what's worse is that I accepted this behavior time and again. I allowed this poor treatment from friends, coworkers, bosses, and family. I never believed in myself or placed any value on who I was or what I had to offer therefore no one else did either. I have always heard that you teach others how to treat you and boy, did I throw myself under the bus at every turn?!
But no matter, now that I know better, I can do better! 😊

Ghosting

Because I have been ghosted a few times and because it seems to be a popular topic lately, I wanted to post an article about it. I find it interesting how I always blamed myself each time I was ghosted and after reading this, I am guessing I wasn't the problem at all. From goodmenproject.com:

What Someone is Actually Telling You When They Ghost You

If you’ve ever been ghosted by someone, especially without ever really having done anything wrong, and wondered what they’re really thinking, I’m happy to translate.

February 16, 2019
By: Mark Radcliffe
Dear person I recently gave my phone number to/ slept with/ dated for a while/ or was in a relationship with, then ghosted. Here’s what I actually said to you, by not saying anything:
To begin with, let’s be clear—I’m an absolute, grade-A coward.
100%.
Oh, and I also recently completed my Ph. D. in passive-aggressiveness.

I mean, you clearly didn’t do anything wrong. I willingly gave you my number. Actually, I think I even asked you to take my number and then text me.
Which you did–politely and diplomatically.
And although you nicely asked me out, or we dated a little while, I didn’t reply.
Who knows what reason made me change my mind about engaging with you, but I’m incapable of expressing it. Because I’m terrified of honesty. Or being direct. Or being assertive. Or maturely addressing whatever random apprehension I now may or may not have towards you. Or possibly all of the above.
And yes, I’ve been solving problems this way for my whole life. And by “solving them,” I, of course, mean, “avoiding dealing with them and hoping they’ll just go away.”
I’m petrified of open dialog because I’ve never done any real work on myself.
As a result, my plan is this: I cut off any chance of things ever developing by just deciding before things even get started that “you’re probably just not worth it.” That way, I never have to take a single risk in my entire life! Sometimes my reason is just that I have a self-loathing belief that no one ever “worth it” could ever really be interested in me, so by virtue of you demonstrating your interest in me, you’ve just disqualified yourself. See how that works?
My ignoring is you no different than when a toddler refuses to respond to his parents when asked, “Why did you break the toy?” or “Why did you hit your sister?”

Yep, I simply remain a petulant child who simply runs away any time a situation calls for me to express certain needs that aren’t being met–such as more privacy, or being spoken to differently or more of a commitment from you.
Instead, I just hide behind a ridiculous absence of expression.
I choose to just “sit this one out,” hoping you’ll just go away, demonstrating my staggering lack of empathy for a fellow human on this planet, failing to understand that ignoring someone is the most hostile thing you can do to them.
I mean, who are we kidding. If I were a real adult, we’d have a real adult exchange.
I’d say, “Sorry, I appreciate the invite, but I’m gonna pass.”

Or, “Sorry, I know I gave you my number, but I’m dating someone else/ not emotionally available right now.”

Or, “Sorry, I realize I gave you my number that night, but something about these messages since feels off to me, so I’m going to say goodbye now. Best of luck with someone else.”

Or, let’s say we’ve dated a while but I’m upset with you over something. “Look, I can’t see you anymore. You really hurt me. I can’t be with someone who treats me like that.”

But it’ll be years before I’m capable of that. (Even though I’ve technically been an adult for a long time now.)
And the most ridiculous delusion of all that I base my actions on is this:

And in some instances, I’m just pretending I’m superior to you in some pathetic, self-absorbed fashion. I’ve decided, through an incredibly corrupt and cloudy series of self-flattering illusions, that I’m better off without you because that’s much more convenient than me looking hard at myself and realizing maybe some of my uncertainties right now are just due to my own lack maturity, or inability to keep my insecurities, neuroses, and anxieties at bay.
If I were a real adult, I’d put some work in towards dealing with my own baggage. I’d see a therapist, read some self-help books, or at least listen real close when a good friend tells me I have some big, self-limiting walls built up I should take down.
But instead, I do this.
I see your text come in, swipe away from it, and go right back to being the emotionally-blocked passive-aggressive jerk I’ve been for quite some time now.
And hey, if you ever meet anyone else who ghosts you for no good reason just like me, send this to them as well, just so they too, for once, can get a good look at themselves in the mirror.
Too-da-loo! I’m off to go screw up another perfectly good relationship now. Wish me luck!
***

Toxic relationships

From Time.com:

How To Tell If You're In a Toxic Relationship — And What To Do About It
By JAMIE DUCHARME  

June 5, 2018

It’s a common refrain: relationships are hard work. Fights are normal and rough patches are par for the course.
True as that may be, however, these platitudes can distract from legitimate causes for concern in one’s social and romantic life — including signs that a relationship may have become, or always was, toxic.
Here’s what you need to know about toxic relationships, and how to tell if you’re in one.

What is a toxic relationship?

Dr. Lillian Glass, a California-based communication and psychology expert who says she coined the term in her 1995 book Toxic People, defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness.”

While every relationship goes through ups and downs, Glass says a toxic relationship is consistently unpleasant and draining for the people in it, to the point that negative moments outweigh and outnumber the positive ones. Dr. Kristen Fuller, a California-based family medicine physician who specializes in mental health, adds that toxic relationships are mentally, emotionally and possibly even physically damaging to one or both participants.
And these relationships don’t have to be romantic: Glass says friendly, familial and professional relationships can all be toxic as well.

What makes a relationship toxic?

Fuller says people who consistently undermine or cause harm to a partner — whether intentionally or not — often have a reason for their behavior, even if it’s subconscious. “Maybe they were in a toxic relationship, either romantically or as a child. Maybe they didn’t have the most supportive, loving upbringing,” Fuller says. “They could have been bullied in school. They could be suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder, such as depression or anxiety or bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, any form of trauma.”

That was the case for Carolyn Gamble, a 57-year-old, Maryland-based motivational speaker who says she fell into toxic relationships after a tumultuous childhood marked by losing her mother to a drug overdose, and suffering physical abuse at the hands of her father. When she grew up, she found some of the same themes in her marriage to her now-ex-husband, who she says became verbally and emotionally abusive. “I realized in this life, regardless of the cards that we’re dealt, sometimes there are things that we have to let go,” she says.
Sometimes, Glass says, toxic relationships are simply the result of an imperfect pairing — like two people who both need control, or a sarcastic type dating someone with thin skin. “It’s just that the combination is wrong,” she says.

Heidi Westra Brocke, a 46-year-old chiropractor living in Illinois, is familiar with these mismatches. Brocke considers herself an empath and a people-pleaser, and grew up “assuming everybody was nice and everybody wanted what was best for you.” Instead, she says her personality attracted controlling partners who forced her to sacrifice her needs for theirs, and constantly work for approval that never came.
Though they had very different stories, both Brocke and Gamble say they endured toxic relationships for years — underscoring that no two bad relationships are exactly alike.

What are the warning signs of a toxic relationship?

The most serious warning signs include any form of violence, abuse or harassment, which should be dealt with immediately. But in many cases, the indicators of a toxic relationship are much more subtle.

The first, and simplest, is persistent unhappiness, Glass says. If a relationship stops bringing joy, and instead consistently makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or “resigned, like you’ve sold out,” it may be toxic, Glass says. You may also find yourself envious of happy couples.
Fuller says negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags, too. These changes could range from clinically diagnosable conditions, such as depression, anxiety or eating disorders, to constantly feeling nervous or uncomfortable — especially around your partner. Feeling like you can’t talk with or voice concerns to your significant other is another sign that something is amiss, Fuller says.
You should also look out for changes in your other relationships, or in the ways you spend your free time, Fuller says. “You may feel bad for doing things on your own time, because you feel like you have to attend to your partner all the time,” she says. “You cross the line when you’re not your individual self anymore and you’re giving everything to your partner.”

Finally, Fuller says concern from family or friends should be taken seriously, particularly since people in toxic relationships are often the last to realize it. Brocke says that was true of her relationships, which perpetuated the damage for years.
“By the time I actually started realizing I was in something that wasn’t healthy, it was so normal to me that it didn’t seem like that big a deal,” Brocke says. “You get paralyzed in it, because you’re just used to it.”

What should you do if you’re in a toxic relationship?

If any of those red flags sound familiar, it’s time to take action. If you feel that you’re in physical danger, you may need to involve the authorities. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is also available for 24/7 guidance at 1-800-799-7233.

If the harm is emotional or mental, you’ll have to decide if it’s possible to work through the issue. If underlying triggers such as depression or trauma are influencing one or both individuals’ behaviors, Fuller says therapeutic or medical treatments may help. Glass agrees that getting to the root of the problem is important, but says that sometimes, the answer may be to walk away.
“I really am a firm believer that you have to try to work everything out and understand why the person is toxic. You may be able to live with it — but on the other hand, you may not,” Glass says. “[If you can’t], you’ve got to get out of it. We have to not put ourselves in that position.”

Brocke and Gamble took that advice in their own lives, and both say they’re better for it. Brocke is now happily remarried and coaches women who are leaving toxic relationships. Gamble is purposefully single and runs a nearly 7,000-person toxic relationships support group on Facebook.
“Love should never cost you your peace. It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness,” Gamble says. “If there’s more negative in the situation than positive, something has to change.”

We get what we tolerate

While I was intending my focus on the joys of being single to last a bit longer, I did not want to post all of what was essentially the same information worded a different way. So I wanted to share a very valuable article about the early stages of a relationship. From Psychologytoday.com:

The Biggest Relationship Mistakes Can Happen Very Early
By: Guy Winch Ph.D.

Pay attention during this crucial stage of relationship formation.

When couples come to therapy to work on their relationship and present their problems, the therapist usually asks when these issues began. More often than not, couples can trace the seeds of the problem(s) to their earliest dating days. They might not have had big fights about the issue at that time, but it was likely a tension point that one or both of them had already noted.
The question is, why is this so? After all, if there was something problematic going on earlier in the relationship, why wasn't it addressed or worked out at that time?
There are a number of reasons couples fail to address important issues that arise in the early stages of their relationship.
First, when we’re first falling in love, we are less likely to be bothered by certain issues than we are once the spell of infatuation wears off.

Second, once we become emotionally invested in our partner and motivated to see the relationship succeed, we may be hesitant to raise issues that might cause conflict and/or highlight differences between us.
Lastly, we often let too many bothersome things go in the initial stages of a relationship because we are unaware of a fundamental truth about relationships. Relationship dynamics are like concrete—they can be shaped when the concrete is still fresh but they quickly become rigid and hard to mold. In other words, the expectations we set early on in a relationship, the give and take, the roles we step into, the habits we accept, the rhythm of our day to day quickly set. Once they do, they become far more difficult to change.
When problematic issues arise in the earliest stages of the relationship and are not addressed, there may be an unspoken assumption that whatever has happened is acceptable to both members of the couple.

Bill and Grace, a couple I recently worked with, are a great example of this principle. Bill was 12 minutes late for their first date. He did not text Grace to give her the heads up or apologize when he arrived. Since he arrived slightly out of breath and looked as though he had rushed, Grace did not comment on the lateness. By not doing so, what she communicated to Bill was that she would accept his lateness and that he would not even have to apologize for it. Bill was then only seven minutes late to their second date, which Grace overlooked as he was "clearly improving" (Grace's words). But that dynamic helped to create an expectation that Bill does not have to be on time.
I have worked with many couples in which lateness is an issue and in almost all cases, it reared its head very early in the relationship. When it did, the partner left waiting did not make it an issue. When I ask why they did not speak up, the answer is usually some form of, “I didn’t want to ruin the date,” or “I didn’t want to start a fight,” or “It was only a few minutes.”

While those are valid concerns, what we neglect to anticipate is that by not bringing it up we are setting ourselves up for more of the behavior we find objectionable going forward, whatever it is.

How to Set Correct Limits Early in the Relationship
In order to prevent behaviors we don’t like from becoming a common feature in our relationships, we need to notice them and address them as early as possible in a manner that brings attention to the issue without causing a conflict that might derail the budding relationship. Here are some guidelines:
1. When the behavior we don’t like is mild, we need to find casual ways to comment on it such that it doesn’t ruin the date or alienate the other person. A casual reference subtly communicates that the behavior was not one we find acceptable (e.g., asking, "Was there a lot of traffic?" when our date was late and didn’t apologize for it).
2. If the behavior is more egregious, the intensity of our messaging needs to match the level of concern that the specific behavior evokes in us. For example, if during our first argument our partner resorts to name-calling or put-downs and we don’t make it absolutely clear we will not tolerate being spoken to in that manner, name-calling and put-downs are likely to persist and even increase. Therefore, we have to be more declarative in communicating our concern about such behaviors and insist our partner find other ways to express their frustrations without dismissive, rude, or insulting comments.
3. If a behavior is a deal breaker, we not only need to communicate to the other person that we will not tolerate it again, we have to mean it. If the behavior is repeated and we do not then follow through with our warning, we are clearly communicating that the behavior is troublesome but not a deal breaker. Our messaging has to leave no room for doubt that it will be grounds for an instant breakup. Sad as it might be to exit the relationship at that point, not doing so (assuming the limit and the severity of the issue has been clearly communicated) will invite more of the behavior going forward.
In short, the early stages of dating are those in which an unspoken contract is formed about the rules and conduct of the relationship going forward. The realities we establish in the early days, weeks, and months of a romance are likely to determine the nature of the relationship going forward. Therefore, we have to be able to look beyond our excitement and enthusiasm, assess the behaviors and dynamics we are setting up, and address potential problems in their infancy. Changing behaviors and dynamics once a relationship is established is far more difficult and the degree of change we can enact at that point is usually much smaller.
The biggest mistake we can make in the early part of a relationship is to overlook problems and hope to address them later on. 

The Many Joys of Being Single (Part #3)

Happy Valentine's Day! I had an enjoyable day even though I worked all day and went to class for the evening. For my third post about the many benefits of being single, I present this article from Time.com:

9 Ways Being Single Can Improve Your Life
By: Candice Jalili
September 20, 2018

Being single isn’t always a walk in the park—especially when movies and television shows seem to push the concept that you aren’t truly “complete” until you’ve found a significant other.
People’s single lives are often portrayed as a sort of purgatory they are forced to endure until they find their soul mates. So much so that a 2008 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that single people are often thought to be unhappy by others.
But experts say these stereotypes couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, the 2008 study also found that single people self-reported levels of well-being that was similar to participants in relationships. And there are plenty of benefits that come along with living your life free of a romantic relationship. Here are a few, according to experts:

Your mind is uncluttered

“Beleve it or not, relationships are ‘mentally’ expensive,” says relationship expert and bestselling author, Susan Winter. “Intimacy and partnership takes up a lot of space in our heads. Even though much of this is happening unconsciously, there’s simply a lesser capacity for individually focused thought.”

Winter refers to the time people in relationships inevitably spend worrying about their partners and, at times, ruminating on even the smallest quarrels, as “the price of love.” This sort of stress can inhibit people’s happiness by keeping them from living in the now, she says.

“Emotional discord can be all-consuming as it removes us from the present moment and present situation,” Winter says. “This is true whether the internal turmoil is based on a fight with our mate, or a fear for their health and wellbeing.”
Conversely, “being single is an act of purging the clutter and making room for new thoughts (and dreams) to breathe and grow.,” she adds.

You’re more open to whatever life throws your way

Being single can make people more willing to roll with the punches, experts say.
“It’s almost like you have no choice,” says Dr. Niloo Dardashti, a New York-based psychologist and relationship expert. “When you’re alone you have to be more self-sufficient.” Free from the constraints of having a partner, people’s lives suddenly become totally and completely their own, according to Dardashti. There’s nobody hindering you from setting out to chase your ambitions. “You’re more likely to take risks and have adventures and have more novelty within your journey,” she says.

You have time to get in touch with yourself

“People say a lot of times, when they’re in relationships, that they’ve lost themselves,” says Dr. Dardashti. “And that’s largely because we stop doing things independently.”
She says that in relationships, people risk losing touch with themselves because they have less time alone to focus on their own personal development. “When you’re alone, it creates opportunity for being more in touch with something inside of you,” she says.
Dr. Dardashti adds that a common complaint she hears from patients in relationships is that they’re feeling out of touch with their creative sides. When you’re single, she says there’s more room for creativity. “Can you have creativity and be in a relationship? Yes, of course,” she says. “But, for the average person, it’s hard to balance those two.”

You have a chance to figure out what you want out of life

Dr. Jenny Taitz, clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Single and Happy, looks at being single as your chance to figure out your own personal “mission statement.” She says this is the critical time to figure out who you are and what you stand for.
“When we’re not in a relationship we really have some time to get clear about what matters to us and what we value,” she explains.
And that is the time when you can recalibrate and reflect on lessons learned from past relationships. “Being single is the perfect time to reassess who you are and where you want to be in life,” says Winter. “What changes do you want to make? What classes, associations, or new attitudes would you like to develop? You now have the time and the ability to focus on the one consistent factor that will create the change you’re seeking– yourself.”

It can be the best-case scenario

Being in a relationship isn’t always the optimal choice for everyone. “If we think of three options, one option is to be happy when you’re single, another option is to be unhappy in a relationship, another option is to be unhappily single,” says Dr. Taitz. “Being single and happy seems like the only viable option for someone who’s looking for love and is not finding it.”
In order to truly become happily single, Dr. Taitz suggests practicing mindfulness. “So much of happiness has to do with living in the present moment,” she says. And doing this will enrich enrich other aspects of your life, too.

“You can strengthen your friendships, you can get clear on what’s important to you—you have a lot of freedom. You can design your best day,” Dr. Taitz says. “If you’re spending your single time ruminating about how you’re going to meet someone or what’s wrong with you, you miss that opportunity so you really want to be single with a smart head space.”

It’s a chance to become financially responsible

One of the perks people often attribute to relationships is the ability for both partners to share responsibilities and financial burdens. But experts say that being single can actually incentivize you to be more frugal and financially independent.
“Sometimes when you’re single and don’t share expenses with someone else, you push yourself to advance and to be resourceful because you’re not relying on someone else to cover your expenses,” says Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and author of He’s Just Not Your Type (And That’s a Good Thing). “This can be a great thing for your career and life.”

You can make self-care a priority

“Partnership can be wonderful,” Winter says. “We have someone with whom to share our ups and downs, as they do with us. But when we’re single, we’re required to focus on the areas of our lives that need attention.”
She cautions that these areas — such as working out, socializing with friends, taking time to focus on personal aspirations and spending time alone — often get pushed aside in relationships amid our need to assist others. “While single, there’s no distraction that pulls us away from our own self-care and personal development,” she notes.

You learn to enjoy your own company

Being single doesn’t necessarily need to be synonymous with being lonely. In fact, experts say that you can actually gain an appreciation for time alone.
“It’s liberating to discover that we can enjoy our own company,” says Winter. “Being content in our own company frees us from the need to chase others.”

When we learn to enjoy being alone, we become more selective about the company we choose—spending time with only those who improve our lives and contribute to our wellbeing, according to Winter.

Your confidence level can skyrocket

“When you’re alone, there’s a strength that almost has to be there,” says Dr. Dardashti. “We tend to sometimes rely on our partners for a lot more than what we need to.” As a result, she says that being single provides an opportunity to tap into one’s inner strengths, which in turn can actually manifest in a greater level of confidence.
“Solitude breeds self-reflection, and self-reflection breed’s confidence,” adds Winter. “Absolute solitude is almost impossible when you’re in a partnership. We always have our partner in our thoughts.”
And this confidence cultivated in solitude will eventually trickle into all of your relationships.
“The best relationships occur when you have a good understanding of your needs, wants and values,” says Syrtash. “Being single allows you to focus on these things. Having this confidence and self-awareness will ultimately serve you in all of your relationships, not just romantic ones.”

The Many Joys of Being Single (Part #2)

Next up in celebrating the single life series: An informative and sometimes surprising article detailing the many health benefits that one can look forward to if single. From ThisIsInsider.com:



9 surprising health benefits of being single
By: Kristin Salaky


Although numerous studies tout the health benefits of being in a relationships, not many people talk about all the ways being single can have a positive impact your health.

We've rounded up all the best ways that maintaining your relationship independence can make you healthier. After this, you maybe just want to delete your dating profiles for good.



You have a larger support system.
Although people in relationships should have a partner who supports and encourages them, single people tend to have a whole group of cheerleaders.

A 2015 study found that single people not only have a tight knit group of friends and family to reach out to, but that they are more likely to receive help and support from that network than people in a relationship. These single people were also found to be more attentive to those close to them than their linked up counterparts, according to a separate study.


You have less financial stress.
Being single may mean you're more socially and financially free.

According to a Debt.com study, single people are less likely to have credit card debt, coming in at about 21%. On the other hand, 27% of married couples without children and 36% of married couples with children had credit card debt.

Financial debt can have a big impact on your health including putting you at a higher risk for heart attacks, strokes, and high blood pressure. So best to keep the stress and debt low.


You sleep better.
Being free from a blanket hog or sleep kicker is not only more comfortable,but it can lead to a big health benefit. A survey by Amerisleep found that, among participants, single people slept better than even people in happy relationships.

A good night's sleep can have numerous health benefits including better focus, better mood, and can keep your body functioning at a healthy rate. And if you really need a snuggle buddy, you can always get a body pillow.


You tend to work out more.
Sure, couples may gush about their relationships on social media, but you can feel good posting that gym selfie too.

A study found that single people are hitting the gym at a higher rate than married people. The study also noted that single people who identified as men exercised almost twice the amount that married men do.


You make your own schedule.
When you're in a committed partnership, you have to take the other person's schedule into account. That may mean having a late dinner when they have a tough day at the office or missing out on your friend's birthday party to attend their brother's wedding.

But single people, for the most part, get to set their own schedules. Additionally, a study claims that people with structured schedules can actually result in more productivity and happiness.

You're able to solve your own problems.
Being single can actually make you more resilient, according to a study, which can help you solve your problems more easily.

Single people have the knowledge that comes from having always solved their problems, either alone or aided by friends. So when new problems pop up, they know from experience that they can handle them. This provides a sense of assurance and keeps them calm when things get rough.



You spend less time doing menial work.
A study found that single people deal with a lot less housework than those in a relationship. This is especially true for people who identify as women and are married to people who identify as men. This group can perform up to seven more hours of housework than if they were alone, research suggests.

All those hours can be used on something else, like working out or going to brunch with your friends. And having less stress about menial tasks can mean less stress overall.



You may be happier.
According to several studies, people who identify as women are no happier after getting married, and seem to be happier when single or living alone.

What about the fellas? People who identify as men are notoriously happier after getting married, but according to studies, they are getting better at being happier when single.



You have great sex.
Yes, studies suggest married people have more sex. But if we're talking quality over quantity, the singles seem to have it.

A study found that single people who identify as women reported being more satisfied with their sex lives than their married counterparts. People who identify as men still seem to be more satisfying sex in relationships, according to a study, though there doesn't seem to be a lot of research in this area.

But to be fair, anyone can have a satisfying sex life, alone or with a partner, if they just get a little creative.

The Many Joys of Being Single (Part #1)

To celebrate Valentine's Day this year, I have decided to focus the remainder of this week's posts on being single. In particular, I want to explore the various advantages of being single and how much I have come to truly enjoy it.
With that being said, do I miss certain aspects of being in a relationship? Well, DUH, of course I do. However there has not been a time in my life before now where I could honestly say that I was not only content but truly happy being alone. Throughout the course of my life, I have always viewed single people with equal parts pity, disdain, and anxiety. The anxiety came from thinking that maybe I would one day *be like them*! (Oh, the horror!!!!)
I hope that you can sense my sarcasm in the previous sentences because taking an honest look at my feelings from the past makes me cringe. To say that I have made such tremendous progress in such a short period of time would be a gross understatement.
For the first time in my life, Valentine's Day will not be a self-pity party filled with feelings of jealousy, longing, and loneliness. Instead I choose to celebrate the freedom of being single and the love that I have been cultivating for myself, which is the greatest love of all!!! 😊💖💞

Focus on the present

Recently I have been struggling with some pretty big issues in major areas of my life such as my job, co-parenting, and time management. However I must keep in mind that these things won't always be this way. I need to stay focused on the present. From Personality-Insights.com:

Things won’t always stay the same.

By: Robert Rohm

A few years ago, I lost a very dear friend. He was eighty-six years old and had been a close family friend for many years. He and my mother had grown up as childhood friends and renewed their friendship after my father passed away. As a family, we had spent nearly every Thanksgiving and Christmas together since 1988. His presence remained a constant event in my life for many years. But all that has come to an end. It has taken me a few years to gain some perspective about life and relationships.
All of us have had experiences where parents, brothers and sisters, children, loved ones or friends have gone their separate ways. Sometimes people move away and other times they pass away.
Regardless of what is going on in your life at this moment, it will not remain the same forever. If you are experiencing some good things in your life right now, relish them and enjoy them. Life is made up of great memories with family and friends.
However, you may be going through a difficult time right now. You may be in a job situation that you do not like, or your financial picture may seem very bleak. Just remember, things will not always stay that way. Something will happen to cause a bad situation to get better. You may get a new job opportunity or meet someone who is able to open a door for you that you were not expecting.
When I was in graduate school, I did not think it would ever end! It seemed as though all I ever did was go to the library, read and study. Now as I look back on all of that, it actually seems like a brief experience. What was once a difficult experience for me is no longer part of my daily life.
When I think about the fact that things will not always be the same, it helps me to stay balanced as well as “in the moment”. That thought helps me to live in the present. I have come to realize that every day of my life is a unique expression of who I am and what is taking place around me. I want to enjoy it to the fullest. Each day is a day that will exist only once and then it will be gone forever.
The people, events, circumstances and situations currently in your life, whether good or bad, will not last forever. I can assure you, in time, things will change. What you now look at as usual, will one day be unusual and part of the past. What is great for you today will one day come to an end. What is difficult for you right now will one day cease.
Begin today to look at every situation that is taking place in your life as though it will only last for a limited amount of time. Learn what you can from your present set of circumstances and grow in the area in which you are now planted.
It works for me and I am sure it will work for you as well.