Dreams

Have you ever had one of those dreams where when you wake up you can still feel the horror and dread from the dream? Last night I had one of those and when I woke up, I was so thankful it wasn't my reality. Honestly, it was my reality not that long ago but now it's my nightmare.
This dream centered around my ex-fiancé who is a past qualifier. I was with the guy for a total of almost 2 years and it was one of the most toxic and damaging relationships of my life. Additionally I believe the man is a psychopath; he oozes pure evil. During our relationship, I was his shadow and for way too many years, I idolized him. I tolerated abuse, disrespect, and a bunch of reprehensible treatment that I never should have.
In my dream, I hooked up with him again. We had sex and then he left me alone while he went to run errands or something. I vividly remember being horrified that I broke my sobriety and celibacy streak. I wracked my brain trying to figure out how to fix the colossal failure. I remember sitting down to use the bathroom and seeing the blood in my underwear. He was long gone. Unfortunately it was a scene that actually occurred on multiple occasions and although I hate to admit it now, with multiple men.
During my morning routine, I thought about how I allowed all of those men to use me for anything they could and then just discard me like I was garbage. And I allowed them to do so over and over again because I felt like I was garbage. I am beyond grateful for the new life that God has blessed me with and I can honestly say I am looking forward to my future!!!