From YourTango.com:
4 Ways To Be Happy Alone (Even If You're A Love Addict Or Codependent)
By: Sherry Gaba
Just like any addict, the first step is recognizing the need for help.
People that are co-dependent or that have a love addiction are people that feel complete when they are in a relationship. They look to the other person to fulfill the relationship and provide a way to identify with themselves and the world around them.
They are not comfortable on their own nor are they comfortable in turning to friends and family for support and advice. In fact, in the past, being alone has been seen as a blemish, a flaw and a deficit to a codependent.
Relationships typically end and immediately another one begins as there is a sense of urgency to find that person to make you whole again. While this may be a very real urge or even compulsion, it is essential to learn to be alone before moving forward with a new love.
In recovery from love addiction, it is important to understand that the need to be a part of a couple, even if it is an unhealthy relationship, is a strong driving force. Being alone seems unnatural, incomplete and very, very uncomfortable.
It is more than a passing hope or desire to be a part of a relationship; it is a deep yearning that can become almost an obsession with some individuals.
The key factor in adapting to being a person comfortable with yourself is to acknowledge that you have a struggle. This is the first step in recognizing the need for help, as just like any other addict if you don’t reach out for help, there is a high degree of likelihood you will slip back into the old, comfortable negative situation found in a codependent relationship.
To help in the struggle with being comfortable with being alone, here are a few steps anyone can take to aid in the recovery of love addiction and codependency:
1. Work with a recovery coach.
A recovery coach is a specially trained professional who will work with you to develop personalized, customized coping mechanisms and strategies to alleviate the anxiety and stress of being alone and allow you to feel more comfortable as a single person.
2. Develop a social circle.
This is a network of supportive friends who understand your struggles and will be there to provide emotional support and friendship can help to address feelings of being alone and isolated.
3. Be mindful.
Think about your thoughts about a relationship. Why are you choosing that person? Is he or she someone you need to "fix" or someone who you see as a person you need to protect and manage to save them from themselves?
Then, consider what you want in a healthy relationship. What does give and take look like? What is the importance of having time as a couple as well as time to pursue your own interests? These questions will help you in developing a guideline of the qualities and characteristics of a healthy relationship.
4. Do something new.
This can be taking a class, joining a group, learning about something new, or even getting out and getting some exercise can all help to provide more balance in life. The more you engage with the world around you, the less alone you will feel.
Being alone is a normal condition. Learning to enjoy being in your own company is a wonderful gift to be able to give yourself.
Sunday, June 30, 2019
Being your own good friend
From PsychologyToday.com:
5 Ways to Become a Good Friend to Yourself
By: Abigail Brenner M.D.
"My Best Friend is the One Who Brings Out the Best in Me"---Henry Ford
So much about being alive is about being in relationship. Life is defined by the company we keep—our family, our friends, our intimate ones. For most of us, who we are and what we do is profoundly influenced by those around us. As children, we learn many skills and lessons of living from our caregivers. Later, our friends and peer group help further mold who we are and who we are becoming.
Although most of us care what others think of us, it’s important that we learn to put peoples’ opinions of us in proper perspective. What this means is that those who love us will naturally want the best for us in most instances. They may weigh in on how we are presenting ourselves to the rest of the world and may offer constructive ideas about how to improve parts of ourselves. That’s fine, along as the advice is given thoughtfully and respectfully.
But, sometimes, the best intentions of others don’t help us to grow and come into our own power and potential. For whatever reasons, many of us continue to rely on others to make our choices and decisions. That may be because sometimes we don’t have the confidence in ourselves to trust our own judgment. Or, we’re afraid that we’ll make the wrong choice and/or decision. Or, we’re too dependent on others because certain people in our lives are afraid to let us go and to allow us to make our own decisions. Or, we’re worried that others won’t like or approve of us if we don’t include them in our decisions and we’re far too invested in getting that approval so that we feel appreciated and valued. Sometimes, we allow others to weigh in on our issues simply because it’s easier to keep the peace that way.
There’s nothing wrong with consulting people you trust and care about to help you decide what to do in any given situation but ultimately, you need to develop the ability to take your life in your own hands—even if there are times when you really don’t know what’s the best thing to do, or even have no idea what to do at all. Ultimately, the idea is to incorporate all that you have been taught and have learned over years in order to come to a place where you have a pretty good idea of who you think and feel you are in your own right, and to have made the adjustments to live comfortably and satisfactorily in your own skin. In other words, you need to develop your own internal GPS and support system—a way of being that will allow you to be more self-reliant, more independent, and less invested in what others think and feel about you.
While you’d think learning to be Number One in your life should be obvious, it isn’t. There is no course in how to become the best you can be. No one teaches us that it’s essential to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. Often, for various and complex reasons, people get caught up in the drama and trauma of life and relationships and don’t spend the required time, energy, and effort to focus intensely on themselves. If you don’t already know you’re Number One in your own life, you should.
Here, are some helpful ways to bring the attention back to yourself, to get in touch with what makes you tick, and to understand what makes you, YOU!
Know Yourself.
Or as the ancients said, “Know thyself.” How much time do you spend reflecting on who you are? It’s good practice to set aside time—daily, weekly, monthly—to examine how you’re living your life. Are you happy with the way your life is going? Are you satisfied with where you are, or are you frustrated? Are you in control of your choices and decisions, or do you feel that you’re spinning your wheels and getting nowhere? Are you happy with the people in your life, or are you bothered and dissatisfied with your relationships? Are you achieving your goals, or are other demands forcing your attention elsewhere? Are you compassionate toward yourself, accepting yourself as you are, or are you judgmental and critical?
Knowing who you are helps you identify what you need in order to create the life you want. Knowing who you are allows you to positively focus on yourself, prevents you from getting too caught up in others’ lives, and keeps you grounded and balanced. When you know yourself and the way you want to show up for life, it’s more likely you will choose to put yourself FIRST, taking care of your own needs before helping others with theirs.
Learn to Be Alone and Like It.
Frequently take time for yourself away from others. Develop interests and activities that you enjoy doing solo. People often fear being alone because they equate being alone with loneliness. When you first try spending time on your own it may feel awkward and strange. But if you make a regular practice of it you may start to look forward to the times when you can be by yourself. Solitude allows you the time to reflect without outside interference and outside noise. There are no expectations other than the ones you set for yourself. Being alone helps you sort out what’s most important to you without outside influence.
Cultivating time to be alone is even more important these days when the demands of social media fill so much of our time. If real-life relationships were not difficult enough on their own to navigate, the pseudo-relationships we create with others without seeing them face-to-face on social media has made us frantic to stay connected all the time. People are often afraid they will miss out or be left out if they’re not connected. Being alone with yourself allows you the time to unplug and get back in touch with what is truly important to you personally.
Make Your Own Choices and Decisions.
This is an essential skill that every child should be taught from early on. But frequently aren’t. I know a great number of adults who can’t make a decision or choice without consulting several friends, family, therapists, and anyone else who will listen to them. Then they take the sum total of everyone’s advice and that’s what they do. Again, there’s nothing wrong with asking advice but when this becomes a chronic situation and you can’t make a decision on your own it implies that you don’t trust yourself, your judgment, and your gut instincts.
Remember, this is YOUR life, no one else’s. While we all need and want support and encouragement from those we care about, only you have the power to create your own happiness.
Create Healthy Boundaries.
Boundaries are often blurred in relationship. We readily allow others into our space, especially those closest to us. That’s expected and often perfectly fine, except when others intrude more and more into our space when we have not given them permission. Some people feel that intimacy involves totally “blending” lives; that there are no secrets and that everything is shared. Pathologically, allowing someone to “set up home” in your space signals them that there is no separation between you and that they have free reign to use your space the way they want to. In situations like this others may feel a sense of entitlement to your privacy, and may become demanding, possessive, and controlling.
But even in the most intimate relationships there are still two separate, distinct people. Your time and energy are sacred to you. You decide how you want to use them. You set the rules in relationship about what works for you and what doesn’t. If someone can’t tolerate that, it speaks volumes. I recently saw this:
no
is a necessary magic
no
draws a circle around you
with chalk
and says
I have given enough
— boundaries
Revel in Your Achievements and Accomplishments.
Allow yourself to feel good about everything you do, especially those things you’re most proud of. Take the time to acknowledge all of your attributes and contributions. When you honor your self-worth you continue to build your self-confidence and self-esteem. Your achievements and accomplishments are the sum total of hard work, determination, and perseverance. While it’s great to feel appreciated and recognized by others, it’s far more important that you know what you’re capable of and that you can succeed through your own efforts.
Adapting an orientation to life that relies primarily on your own personal resources, rather than on the “externals”—everything and everyone outside of yourself—is advantageous for making change and for effectively shifting to meet the ongoing demands of life. All this is a way of saying that you need to learn how to trust and rely on yourself first and foremost—to become your own best friend and confidant.
Mindfulness and Gratitude
I have been struggling for the past week with negative thoughts and self-pity. I am not sure why I have been feeling this way but when I read the following article, it helped me to feel much better! 😊
From PsychologyToday.com:
Mindfulness and Gratitude
By: Jason N. Linder, MA, LMFT, EMDRIA-Certified
Gratitude is central to happiness; mindfulness is a potent way to cultivate it.
It’s no coincidence that many successful CEOs keep gratitude journals. Gratitude is the most powerful correlate of happiness. When we’re feeling grateful, our body calms and we feel at peace in all realms of our lives. It’s impossible to feel grateful and stressed at the same time. This is a basic principle in psychology called Reciprocal Inhibition; we can't feel two contradicting states at once. And the best part about gratitude is that it's easy to access in little time.
Try this brief mental experiment from Dr. Sam Harris’ mindfulness app Waking Up. Imagine what it would be like to lose everything and have died yesterday. I mean everything, from relationships, to your identity, to material possessions, your education, status, etc. After letting that sink in for a few moments, consider what it would be like to be fully restored everything you now have (after having lost it all), and to the precise moment you’re now in. What would that change about this present moment? How much more would you savor this moment? In gratitude research, this is called counterfactuals; purposely attending to what could have gone wrong, but didn’t, and how things could have been and can be worse. Intentionally attending to counterfactuals can make us significantly happier. On the other hand, when we focus on what could have been better (unfortunately what most of us usually do), it usually triggers sadness, envy, resentment, and feelings related to low self-esteem. Luckily, you can rewire your mind toward gratitude.
If you’re reading this blog right now, you are uniquely fortunate. As Sam Harris mentions on his gratitude lesson from his app, right now there are probably more than billion people who would consider their prayers answered if they could trade places with you, if they had your life. I refer to the millions of people who have been dislocated because of war, politics, poverty, and/or religious reasons. I also refer to people suffering climate change (losing their homes or their communities burning down from fires), loss, accidents, acute bereavement, and violent crimes. To have people who care about you and that you care for, your health, even partially, interests and be able to pursue them, even sporadically, is to be fortunate. Take a moment to take that in, really take that in.
What have you been taking for granted recently? Spend a few moments to jot them down and let them stink in. Seriously. This is the only life you have. What blessings have you been overlooking? Don't miss any more moments to tell the people you love how special and precious they are to you. Your clock is always ticking; you just can't see it. We can never really know when we'll die. We thus can't afford to not feel grateful for all we have; life is too short and precious. What better time is there to savor your life than now? Now is all we have. It's hard to exaggerate how this awareness can transform the quality of your life. Life won't wait; now is your chance.
To immediately access a sense of gratitude: Gently close your eyes, or keep your gaze on the ground. Then, gradually bring to mind someone you love, your partner, child, good friend, at their absolute happiest, smiling laughing. Imagine them getting exactly what they want. How does this affect your mind and body? Let it color your mind and body. Can you see your smile? Find yourself bursting with joy. Notice it. Stay with it for a few moments.
Didn't take too long to notice a positive effect, did it? Gratitude is always accessible, even in life's most difficult moments; you just need to reach for it.
Finding Comfort
From PsychologyToday.com:
Finding Comfort, Part II
By: Marty Nemko Ph.D.
8 simple, free destressers you can do solo, many even at work.
Previously, I offered eight sources of comfort in our stressful times. Here I add eight more, all which are time-tested with an n of at least 1. Note that unlike, for example, a paid massage or going to a day spa, all these are free and doable solo.
Morning reverie. When I wake up but have a few extra minutes, I stay in bed in semi-wakefulness and muse on how I can make the most of the day. Occasionally, I just walk through my day’s schedule but more often I try to come up with one thing that makes me eager to jump out of bed.
Routine. Routine of course is comforting. My typical morning’s: put up the coffee, inspect and hybridize my roses, take my coffee and doggie Einstein outside to enjoy the front yard and maybe encounter a neighbor to say hi to, then call Einstein into the house (which usually requires me to bribe him with a bone) and then start working.
Work on something that comes easily but feels important. I gain comfort by getting the hard work out of the way first so I don’t have it hanging over my head, but many people, if they have some discretion over their time, find it more comforting to start by working on something they find easy yet important—Shopping on the Net probably doesn't qualify.
Stare. Even if you’re at work, 30 seconds of staring at that flower on your desk, at that compelling image on your screen, or, if you’re lucky, at that view out your window can be comforting, restorative. Even staring at nothing, spacing out, can feel comforting—Just make sure 30 seconds doesn’t turn into 30 minutes.
Now let’s assume you’re taking a longer break at work or that you're done for the day.
Write in a journal. That helps you to reflect and to offer yourself counsel. That's probably the source of advice you're most likely to accept—We tend to resist advice from others if only because no one can, as well as you, know all the factors affecting your decisions.
Read aloud. That slows you down and enables you to savor and understand more deeply. If you wish, read aloud to someone in person or by phone or Skype. Or, as I enjoy doing, read or ad-lib something into your webcam and post it on YouTube.
Listen to calming music. For me, one piece of music calms me more than any other: Spiegel im Spiegel (Mirror in Mirrors.) I'll often sit with my eyes closed and, so I needn't open my eyes to replay it, I set YouTube for replay. (Right-click the "play" icon and then click "loop.")
Hug. Of course, your hug's recipient can be someone you know, even your pet. But even if you're a solo operator, you can find a recipient for your hugs, for example, at an animal shelter or in a hospital's neonatal ward.
The takeaway
For many people, life is getting more stressful. These eight balms as well as the eight from my previous assemblage provide easy destressers and, unlike with chemical methods, they have no side effects.
Finding Comfort, Part II
By: Marty Nemko Ph.D.
8 simple, free destressers you can do solo, many even at work.
Previously, I offered eight sources of comfort in our stressful times. Here I add eight more, all which are time-tested with an n of at least 1. Note that unlike, for example, a paid massage or going to a day spa, all these are free and doable solo.
Morning reverie. When I wake up but have a few extra minutes, I stay in bed in semi-wakefulness and muse on how I can make the most of the day. Occasionally, I just walk through my day’s schedule but more often I try to come up with one thing that makes me eager to jump out of bed.
Routine. Routine of course is comforting. My typical morning’s: put up the coffee, inspect and hybridize my roses, take my coffee and doggie Einstein outside to enjoy the front yard and maybe encounter a neighbor to say hi to, then call Einstein into the house (which usually requires me to bribe him with a bone) and then start working.
Work on something that comes easily but feels important. I gain comfort by getting the hard work out of the way first so I don’t have it hanging over my head, but many people, if they have some discretion over their time, find it more comforting to start by working on something they find easy yet important—Shopping on the Net probably doesn't qualify.
Stare. Even if you’re at work, 30 seconds of staring at that flower on your desk, at that compelling image on your screen, or, if you’re lucky, at that view out your window can be comforting, restorative. Even staring at nothing, spacing out, can feel comforting—Just make sure 30 seconds doesn’t turn into 30 minutes.
Now let’s assume you’re taking a longer break at work or that you're done for the day.
Write in a journal. That helps you to reflect and to offer yourself counsel. That's probably the source of advice you're most likely to accept—We tend to resist advice from others if only because no one can, as well as you, know all the factors affecting your decisions.
Read aloud. That slows you down and enables you to savor and understand more deeply. If you wish, read aloud to someone in person or by phone or Skype. Or, as I enjoy doing, read or ad-lib something into your webcam and post it on YouTube.
Listen to calming music. For me, one piece of music calms me more than any other: Spiegel im Spiegel (Mirror in Mirrors.) I'll often sit with my eyes closed and, so I needn't open my eyes to replay it, I set YouTube for replay. (Right-click the "play" icon and then click "loop.")
Hug. Of course, your hug's recipient can be someone you know, even your pet. But even if you're a solo operator, you can find a recipient for your hugs, for example, at an animal shelter or in a hospital's neonatal ward.
The takeaway
For many people, life is getting more stressful. These eight balms as well as the eight from my previous assemblage provide easy destressers and, unlike with chemical methods, they have no side effects.
Mindfulness and Mid-Life
From PsychologyToday.com:
Turning Toward Mid-Life Mindfully
By: Joseph Cardillo Ph.D.
This self-regulation tool can help.
Throughout literature, writers from a wide range of traditions have highlighted the incremental loss of self-awareness - experienced by some individuals as we age - and taken us across a wide spectrum of genres, settings, and lifestyles. As depicted in many pieces, such loss is not without consequences. Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, disillusioned behavior, general irritability, hollow relationships, unhappiness, and depression are just a few potential consequences. Yet it doesn't have to play out this way as many of our literati and their works depict, as well as the individuals who have been inspired into a more satisfying mindset.
Someone I know - a neuroscientist - once said to me that most of us go through our day mindless - regardless of how intelligent we are - and emphasized he meant this in the Zen sense. I became humbled by his humility. Since then I’ve tried to engender more of my own. I understood what he meant by just barreling through the day. Suffice to say, I’ve been there and done that.
Sometimes we are content with the way things are going. But if mid-life is knocking at your door, demanding more inner authenticity and satisfaction, the following tool may be of interest to you.
So much of what we do day in and day out is on auto-pilot. This includes our actions, thoughts and feelings. Some of these can contribute to our general irritation and also drive us away from what matters, goal-wise and self-wise. Some days you may wonder, “Where is the true me in this picture?” “What is intrinsically important of my behavior in this specific experience?” “How many of the important decisions in my life have been made automatically, without much awareness?
Years ago as many lovers of the value of interdisciplinary arts and sciences to everyday living, I worked with several colleagues to bring a series of writers to our community. One of the writers who visited was the poet, Robert Bly. A perk of this involvement was that we were able to enjoy some down time with our guests at lunch and dinner. We delighted in the opportunity to casually and comfortably ask a few questions that had been roaming our minds.
What I remember most is the mass and diversity of knowledge that informed most of these writers and their discussions – mainly their art and philosophy. Much of it evolved around awareness and particularly self-awareness and especially of detail that can be easily overlooked. Ironically sometimes that is the very detail that may be required for us to “seal the deal” so to speak, at a particular epoch or place. Often that sort of detail can provide an insight that keeps one from barreling forth and shifts us on a course that may engender greater satisfaction and meaning from experiences. And fewer mid-life blunders.
And so it was with Bly and his rhetoric for more awareness. He had a way of capturing in conversation as well as in a poem a snapshot of the world – the understanding that it is in mindful-quietude that random perhaps insightful detail can be revealed. The message is that what so often is easily missed or ignored in the loudness of daily busyness can potentially be captured.
Getting yourself into a private space was important to Bly and much of his work. I remember his saying something at lunch that day, quite off-the-cuff. It was about over-busyness and over-ambition, the kind that hacks your mind off target. To his point, quiet moments, which he deemed necessary, can reveal authentic directions in living, perhaps spark intrinsic goals. This line of thinking posits some questions: Are such moments manifesting in my living? What is truly important as far as the person I am on the inside is concerned? It is this zone that Bly’s work encourages. At the core is developing more mindfulness and a deeper exploration of self in and through environments. This tool can be useful particularly as you turn the curve toward mid-life.
In my previous post, Boosting Mindfulness, I referred to Buddhist monk and philosopher Thich Nhat Hanh’s definition of mindfulness as the energy of being aware and awake to the present moment. I want to continue that perspective here. You may, however, wish to check out some of the ideas in that post as they will enhance the self-regulatory aspects to this one. Mindfulness in Thich Nhat Hanh’s as well as Bly’s sense can work hand-in-hand with attending to details that could easily go unnoticed even as windows open to them daily. To be fair, though, no one can be “on” 24-7. Yet capturing them for the important moments can enrich your living.
Bly’s quiet moments as presented in his poetry often suggest a possibility of synergizing the energy of mindfulness. This occurs when we take a little time to make ourselves aware of natural environments that spark our personal psychic energy and whose lift we can ride into a flowing mindset. For some of us this may be experienced as an exhilarating solitude as in Bly’s poem, Driving into Town to Mail a Letter, depicting a quiet, private nighttime drive within a snowy night. For others of us it may be Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver. In fact as I write this I think of themes that touch on our connectivity with nature and self such as demonstrated in ecologist Dr. Anne LaBastille's groundbreaking memoir, Woodswoman.
Practicing mindful awareness helps engender higher quality energy to brighten your attentional lamp and keep it there longer. Mindful-awareness gives you access to sharper detail and your ability to probe it, creating an energy loop that enlivens rather than fatigues your mind and can better capture meaningful detail that speaks holistically to who you are. With practice your mind can start initiating that loop on its own, deepening your experiences more effortlessly.
Bly’s work, as well as a plethora of other author's work, shows interplay of both one’s internal and external environments. It's easy to develop a list of your own favorites. What’s interesting is the synergy this practice is capable of generating. Sensitivity to what environments invigorate or calm you is a first step in your practice. One can start with environmental settings you already sense will have these effects on you. The next step is to start using them to get “out of your head” and increasing your mindfulness within them.
By mindfully energizing your awareness, using it to restore and mindfully listening, you can become more self-aware. Solutions to some meaningful goals may be nearby. Discover healthy, peaceful spaces presented within the works of your favorite authors and artists. Look for similar spaces in the natural world around you. Visit your quiet spaces often. At times you can hear the deeper echoes of who you are and what you require at this specific juncture in life, bubbling up from catacombs in your mind.
Turning Toward Mid-Life Mindfully
By: Joseph Cardillo Ph.D.
This self-regulation tool can help.
Throughout literature, writers from a wide range of traditions have highlighted the incremental loss of self-awareness - experienced by some individuals as we age - and taken us across a wide spectrum of genres, settings, and lifestyles. As depicted in many pieces, such loss is not without consequences. Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, disillusioned behavior, general irritability, hollow relationships, unhappiness, and depression are just a few potential consequences. Yet it doesn't have to play out this way as many of our literati and their works depict, as well as the individuals who have been inspired into a more satisfying mindset.
Someone I know - a neuroscientist - once said to me that most of us go through our day mindless - regardless of how intelligent we are - and emphasized he meant this in the Zen sense. I became humbled by his humility. Since then I’ve tried to engender more of my own. I understood what he meant by just barreling through the day. Suffice to say, I’ve been there and done that.
Sometimes we are content with the way things are going. But if mid-life is knocking at your door, demanding more inner authenticity and satisfaction, the following tool may be of interest to you.
So much of what we do day in and day out is on auto-pilot. This includes our actions, thoughts and feelings. Some of these can contribute to our general irritation and also drive us away from what matters, goal-wise and self-wise. Some days you may wonder, “Where is the true me in this picture?” “What is intrinsically important of my behavior in this specific experience?” “How many of the important decisions in my life have been made automatically, without much awareness?
Years ago as many lovers of the value of interdisciplinary arts and sciences to everyday living, I worked with several colleagues to bring a series of writers to our community. One of the writers who visited was the poet, Robert Bly. A perk of this involvement was that we were able to enjoy some down time with our guests at lunch and dinner. We delighted in the opportunity to casually and comfortably ask a few questions that had been roaming our minds.
What I remember most is the mass and diversity of knowledge that informed most of these writers and their discussions – mainly their art and philosophy. Much of it evolved around awareness and particularly self-awareness and especially of detail that can be easily overlooked. Ironically sometimes that is the very detail that may be required for us to “seal the deal” so to speak, at a particular epoch or place. Often that sort of detail can provide an insight that keeps one from barreling forth and shifts us on a course that may engender greater satisfaction and meaning from experiences. And fewer mid-life blunders.
And so it was with Bly and his rhetoric for more awareness. He had a way of capturing in conversation as well as in a poem a snapshot of the world – the understanding that it is in mindful-quietude that random perhaps insightful detail can be revealed. The message is that what so often is easily missed or ignored in the loudness of daily busyness can potentially be captured.
Getting yourself into a private space was important to Bly and much of his work. I remember his saying something at lunch that day, quite off-the-cuff. It was about over-busyness and over-ambition, the kind that hacks your mind off target. To his point, quiet moments, which he deemed necessary, can reveal authentic directions in living, perhaps spark intrinsic goals. This line of thinking posits some questions: Are such moments manifesting in my living? What is truly important as far as the person I am on the inside is concerned? It is this zone that Bly’s work encourages. At the core is developing more mindfulness and a deeper exploration of self in and through environments. This tool can be useful particularly as you turn the curve toward mid-life.
In my previous post, Boosting Mindfulness, I referred to Buddhist monk and philosopher Thich Nhat Hanh’s definition of mindfulness as the energy of being aware and awake to the present moment. I want to continue that perspective here. You may, however, wish to check out some of the ideas in that post as they will enhance the self-regulatory aspects to this one. Mindfulness in Thich Nhat Hanh’s as well as Bly’s sense can work hand-in-hand with attending to details that could easily go unnoticed even as windows open to them daily. To be fair, though, no one can be “on” 24-7. Yet capturing them for the important moments can enrich your living.
Bly’s quiet moments as presented in his poetry often suggest a possibility of synergizing the energy of mindfulness. This occurs when we take a little time to make ourselves aware of natural environments that spark our personal psychic energy and whose lift we can ride into a flowing mindset. For some of us this may be experienced as an exhilarating solitude as in Bly’s poem, Driving into Town to Mail a Letter, depicting a quiet, private nighttime drive within a snowy night. For others of us it may be Wild Geese, by Mary Oliver. In fact as I write this I think of themes that touch on our connectivity with nature and self such as demonstrated in ecologist Dr. Anne LaBastille's groundbreaking memoir, Woodswoman.
Practicing mindful awareness helps engender higher quality energy to brighten your attentional lamp and keep it there longer. Mindful-awareness gives you access to sharper detail and your ability to probe it, creating an energy loop that enlivens rather than fatigues your mind and can better capture meaningful detail that speaks holistically to who you are. With practice your mind can start initiating that loop on its own, deepening your experiences more effortlessly.
Bly’s work, as well as a plethora of other author's work, shows interplay of both one’s internal and external environments. It's easy to develop a list of your own favorites. What’s interesting is the synergy this practice is capable of generating. Sensitivity to what environments invigorate or calm you is a first step in your practice. One can start with environmental settings you already sense will have these effects on you. The next step is to start using them to get “out of your head” and increasing your mindfulness within them.
By mindfully energizing your awareness, using it to restore and mindfully listening, you can become more self-aware. Solutions to some meaningful goals may be nearby. Discover healthy, peaceful spaces presented within the works of your favorite authors and artists. Look for similar spaces in the natural world around you. Visit your quiet spaces often. At times you can hear the deeper echoes of who you are and what you require at this specific juncture in life, bubbling up from catacombs in your mind.
Saturday, June 29, 2019
600 days
Today marks the 600th day of sobriety. Almost every day I am reminded of all the blessings I have received by being in recovery such as being truly present during time spent with my son and being in grad school and not only fully participating but maintaining a 4.0 GPA. I am actually living my life for me for the first time in my life. Yes, I have struggled and continue to struggle with cravings, fantasies, celibacy, and loneliness however I do not regret in any way the direction that my life has taken; in reality I am extremely grateful. I am looking forward to another 600 days of sobriety! 😊
While searching for an article related to love addiction, I found this fairly recent one on YourTango.com. I don't think I have found anything that describes it better!
10 Definitive Signs You're Addicted To Falling In Love
By: B.A. Marvell
At least I've admitted I have a problem. That's the first step, no?
I'm a love addict. I wanted this piece to be deeply personal, but the truth is I'm not ready to get into the whole mess of me. I don't know if I ever will be.
Let's put it this way, though: I've put more than a year of my life into a love addiction, which I'll define non-clinically as "a habitual need for the attention and returned love of a love object, who, more likely than not, doesn't return the feeling."
I've been told it's called limerence, but what is limerence? The official definition is: "The state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship."
Like all things with love, I'm not convinced there's a good definition. The relationship-ish thing I speak of is over, but I still hope for some sign that I didn't just imagine the feelings he seemed to have. Maybe it was just limerence on my part, maybe it was more on both of ours; turning these questions over in my mind is part of the problem.
But here's an example of how dark it can get: Me, crying in the shower many a morning and chanting a mantra, "He doesn't love me. He never loved me. He never will."
It still hurts. Every day. Unless I squelch the entire addictive tendency, I'll likely have limerent feelings for this person until a new limerent object comes along. Some days I tell myself that I'm not going to get over it, and that's fine. I'm a writer; I'm supposed to feel a bit broken, right? (Healthy, I know.)
I get through it by quoting poets and playwrights to myself. Especially things like, "The heart will break but broken live on." (Lord Byron, poor guy.) I get through it trying to be grateful for my reality, which includes a family who loves me.
So, to get on with it, the following signs you may be addicted to love and falling in love are just from me, my own experience (which is more complicated than I'm even stating here). I'm not remotely trained at this head-and-heart stuff. I'm not a therapist.
1. You love how things feel in the beginning.
I love the discovery phase, the wooing phase, the phase where it all seems to click.
2. You fantasize often.
Being a writer is a real "ugh" factor here. I can tell myself stories about the person of my dreams and how they feel the same way. I imagine them saying, "I love you." I can read subtext into dialogue where there is none.
In short, I can construct whatever world I want and then be crushed when the world isn't as I made it.
3. Your attraction to the other person upends reality.
In the beginning, when all those chemicals are swirling and the charm offensive is all in-your-face and in-your-pants, I see no reason whatsoever that the rose-colored glasses ever have to come off. With my love object, there were massive complications (my family, among other things), even if we had pursued a real relationship.
But I frequently told myself that love can conquer all, even though 1) I don't know if he loved me, and 2) Getting into the nitty-gritty of our situation was ridiculously complicated and probably would've sent me running if I really had to sort through it.
4. You think everything will naturally fall into place.
This is habitual. Any big-time crush I've had, I've always thought, "Well, if we're together, everything else will make sense." I think I'll finally write more, finally get my s*** together, finally make sense of my world. I imagine my heart will finally land where it needs to be and build a nest decorated by inner peace, harmony and frequent, always-inventive sex.
And why would I think that? In what world does finding your partner mean things just fall into place? Get a grip! Also, always-inventive sex is overrated; switch it up now and then, fine, but if you know your partner's pleasure centers and points, why do you have to reinvent the wheel all the time? The wheel is happy doing its wheel things.
5. You find more meaning in words than actions.
The guy who always shows up and takes care of things, who supports my dreams by making things easier for me to attend to them? I probably take him for granted. (Fact: I do.)
But the guy spinning yarns and quoting love poems, and making me believe he can see inside this dark heart of mine because he can recite a little Yeats from memory? He's the one, even though I know actions should speak louder.
6. You're always pining, but he/she isn't.
If you're really into me one day and the next all but gone, I'm all yours. I don't need to say more here. This isn't healthy.
7. You're bored by the thought of stability.
A calm and easy bond built on affection, trust, support — a partnership — well, that sounds like a commercial for a family car I don't want to drive.
I tell myself I want that stuff (or should want that stuff), but my brain lingers on the idea that every day should be a passionate tumult, a Heathcliff and Catherine affair: doomed but like your heart will be ripped out if you're not together.
(I even once told aforementioned love object that "Don't we all just want that Wuthering Heights s***?" Surprisingly, to me, some people don't and are probably happier for it.)
8. You become competitive with yourself.
Maybe this is just me but, perhaps due to a deep emotional insecurity, when someone describes me as a superlative I eat it up and hope for more. I want to be the best, the most beloved, the most everything.
I fall for people who've been with a lot of people or who juggle a lot of people, in hopes of proving that I'm the most worthwhile and the most right and somehow valuable. (This is probably where loving myself first would really help.)
9. You obsess over him.
The guy I wanted to love me is with someone else. I do a lot of these things. In fact, I wrote an article based on my experience. No, I'm not proud.
10. You always fall for someone you can never fully have.
There are days when I think, if I just think hard enough about him, I can make him dream about me so intense that he wakes up in a sweat and, maybe, feels compelled to reach out.
A friend of mine told me, "I think you want this person because you've never fully HAD him." And he's probably right. (He's also a love addict.) If this guy suddenly wanted a real relationship with me and was a devoted and caring boyfriend, I'd probably get bored and go in search of someone new. So, the problem is in me.
For me, love is a drug. I get a high from attentions given mercurially and then drop into despair when the attentions wane.
Wondering if you suffer the same disease as me? Here's my best advice: Look at your patterns. Do you or have you kept a journal? Mine are mostly false starts, but when I look back I notice a theme. There's always a crush who's the answer to everything. When there wasn't a crush, there was a vow to find one.
At least I've admitted I have a problem. That's the first step, no?
Friday, June 28, 2019
Co-parenting with a toxic ex
From themighty.com:
15 Things to Remember When Co-Parenting With a Toxic Ex-Spouse
By: Diana G.
You would think that after spending months and thousands of dollars trying to divorce your spouse that you would be able to move on with your life, right?
Well, this is not always the case in high-conflict divorces. After going through a process that was time-, money- and mind-consuming, I found myself co-parenting with a toxic parent. I want to move on with my life and help my children safely, securely and smoothly adjust to a two-parent household — but I can’t. My ex-spouse won’t let things run smoothly and is now turning my children against me.
High-conflict divorces are difficult enough for all parties involved. So when one parent tries to turn the children against the other parent, they are often just perpetuating the hardship for everyone through parental alienation.
Parental alienation refers to the “brain-washing” of a child to vilify the other parent. The parent who alienates the children often looks to undermine and interfere with the child’s ability to build and maintain a healthy relationship and bond with the other parent.
Most high-conflict divorces have language in the judgment stipulating out how each parent should behave post-divorce. This is done for the best interest of the child. This language generally states that neither parent shall do anything that would hamper the natural development of the child’s love and respect for the other parent.
Unfortunately, not all parents follow, respect or abide by these words written in court documents, and child alienation can occur, with children being the ones affected the most.
So what can you do if your co-parent is unable to move forward due to anger, bitterness, resentment or a desire to “make you pay?” All you can do is be the grown up who puts your child’s well-being first.
Please remember that your children are the innocent victims of your divorce. If you hear distorted accusations and statements of your bitter co-parent from your child’s mouth, gather strength and try following these guidelines:
1. At all costs, refrain yourself from giving your child a retaliatory response.
2. Don’t strike back against your former spouse or the children, as this often only serves to increase hostility between all parties involved.
3. Remind yourself that your child inflicting pain on you is simply a result of the other parent’s hostility and resentment toward you.
4. Offer a calm, empathic response that clarifies misinformation without the need to denigrate the other parent.
5. Don’t argue with your children about the statements they heard or their criticism of you. Keep in mind that they are quoting your ex.
6. Explain to your child that they can have their own feelings, and they don’t have to be angry with you just because of your co-parents hate toward you.
7. Try not to give your children weak responses that neither clarify the fabrication nor reassure them of your love for them.
8. Address your ex’s fabricated information about you as soon as possible. Recurrence of deceits can create false memories that can be difficult for your child to erase.
9. Depending on the level of damaging misinformation your children are being told, always use protective statements to clarify.
10. If your child is upset, crying or throwing a temper tantrum because of the hurtful verbal sentiments against you, just comfort them and wait to address the matter at a time when they are calm and your clarification will be better received.
11. Once your child is relaxed and happy, try using playtime to calmly address the denigrating statements against you.
12. Be sure to tell your children that it is not their job to deal with blaming and confusing adult matters.
13. Acknowledge that you understand how scary, confusing and/or upsetting it must be to hear these statements about you.
14. Recognize the long-term effects alienation could have on your children.
15. Provide a safe emotional environment by letting your children know that they can always talk to you about anything by not making them feel that they are in the middle of a war zone.
By sticking to a caring form of response when addressing negative statements from an ex-spouse, you can help your child sail through stormy waters that are out of you and your child’s control. You may also be teaching your children valuable skills needed to form secure attachments for future relationships.
Thursday, June 27, 2019
Intermittent fasting
I have been practicing intermittent fasting for about 4 years now and I absolutely love it! I have noticed that many people seem to be ignorant regarding the details so I found a great article that provides a lot of helpful information:
Intermittent fasting: Surprising update
By: Monique Tello, MD, MPH
There’s a ton of incredibly promising intermittent fasting (IF) research done on fat rats. They lose weight, their blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugars improve… but they’re rats. Studies in humans, almost across the board, have shown that IF is safe and incredibly effective, but really no more effective than any other diet. In addition, many people find it difficult to fast.
But a growing body of research suggests that the timing of the fast is key, and can make IF a more realistic, sustainable, and effective approach for weight loss, as well as for diabetes prevention.
The backstory on intermittent fasting
IF as a weight loss approach has been around in various forms for ages, but was highly popularized in 2012 by BBC broadcast journalist Dr. Michael Mosley’s TV documentary Eat Fast, Live Longer and book The Fast Diet, followed by journalist Kate Harrison’s book The 5:2 Diet based on her own experience, and subsequently by Dr. Jason Fung’s 2016 bestseller The Obesity Code. IF generated a steady positive buzz as anecdotes of its effectiveness proliferated.
As a lifestyle-leaning research doctor, I needed to understand the science. The Obesity Code seemed the most evidence-based summary resource, and I loved it. Fung successfully combines plenty of research, his clinical experience, and sensible nutrition advice, and also addresses the socioeconomic forces conspiring to make us fat. He is very clear that we should eat more fruits and veggies, fiber, healthy protein, and fats, and avoid sugar, refined grains, processed foods, and for God’s sake, stop snacking. Check, check, check, I agree. The only part that was still questionable in my mind was the intermittent fasting part.
Intermittent fasting can help weight loss
IF makes intuitive sense. The food we eat is broken down by enzymes in our gut and eventually ends up as molecules in our bloodstream. Carbohydrates, particularly sugars and refined grains (think white flours and rice), are quickly broken down into sugar, which our cells use for energy. If our cells don’t use it all, we store it in our fat cells as, well, fat. But sugar can only enter our cells with insulin, a hormone made in the pancreas. Insulin brings sugar into the fat cells and keeps it there.
Between meals, as long as we don’t snack, our insulin levels will go down and our fat cells can then release their stored sugar, to be used as energy. We lose weight if we let our insulin levels go down. The entire idea of IF is to allow the insulin levels to go down far enough and for long enough that we burn off our fat.
Intermittent fasting can be hard… but maybe it doesn’t have to be
Initial human studies that compared fasting every other day to eating less every day showed that both worked about equally for weight loss, though people struggled with the fasting days. So I had written off IF as no better or worse than simply eating less, only far more uncomfortable. My advice was to just stick with the sensible, plant-based, Mediterranean-style diet.
New research is suggesting that not all IF approaches are the same, and some are actually very reasonable, effective, and sustainable, especially when combined with a nutritious plant-based diet. So I’m prepared to take my lumps on this one (and even revise my prior post).
We have evolved to be in sync with the day/night cycle, i.e., a circadian rhythm. Our metabolism has adapted to daytime food, nighttime sleep. Nighttime eating is well associated with a higher risk of obesity, as well as diabetes.
Based on this, researchers from the University of Alabama conducted a study with a small group of obese men with prediabetes. They compared a form of intermittent fasting called “early time-restricted feeding,” where all meals were fit into an early eight-hour period of the day (7 am to 3 pm), or spread out over 12 hours (between 7 am and 7 pm). Both groups maintained their weight (did not gain or lose) but after five weeks, the eight-hours group had dramatically lower insulin levels and significantly improved insulin sensitivity, as well as significantly lower blood pressure. The best part? The eight-hours group also had significantly decreased appetite. They weren’t starving.
Just changing the timing of meals, by eating earlier in the day and extending the overnight fast, significantly benefited metabolism even in people who didn’t lose a single pound.
So is this as good as it sounds?
I was very curious about this, so I asked the opinion of metabolic expert Dr. Deborah Wexler, Director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Diabetes Center and associate professor at Harvard Medical School. Here is what she told me. “There is evidence to suggest that the circadian rhythm fasting approach, where meals are restricted to an eight to 10-hour period of the daytime, is effective,” she confirmed, though generally she recommends that people “use an eating approach that works for them and is sustainable to them.”
So here’s the deal. There is some good scientific evidence suggesting that circadian rhythm fasting, when combined with a healthy diet and lifestyle, can be a particularly effective approach to weight loss, especially for people at risk for diabetes. (However, people with advanced diabetes or who are on medications for diabetes, people with a history of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia, and pregnant or breastfeeding women should not attempt intermittent fasting unless under the close supervision of a physician who can monitor them.)
4 ways to use this information for better health
Avoid sugars and refined grains. Instead, eat fruits, vegetables, beans, lentils, whole grains, lean proteins, and healthy fats (a sensible, plant-based, Mediterranean-style diet).
Let your body burn fat between meals. Don’t snack. Be active throughout your day. Build muscle tone.
Consider a simple form of intermittent fasting. Limit the hours of the day when you eat, and for best effect, make it earlier in the day (between 7 am to 3 pm, or even 10 am to 6 pm, but definitely not in the evening before bed).
Avoid snacking or eating at nighttime, all the time.
Wednesday, June 26, 2019
Being overwhelmed
I have started the first of 2 field placements required for my social work program and needless to say, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed. This article has provided me with useful tips to make it through:
Overwhelmed? 8 Tips to Avoid Burnout and Balance Your Life
By: Susan Biali Haas M.D.
These simple life basics will keep you sane and smiling in the midst of chaos.
For so many people these days, our life is like a house of cards. We teeter along shakily, just barely managing to hold up our sky-high pile of commitments and stressors. Sometimes it feels (accurately) that if you try to put just one more card on top, the whole mess will come crashing down. It’s not a good feeling. It’s not a fun way to live. Yet it’s normal for most of us. And we’re exhausted. One of the things I remember most from the psychology courses I took in university is the classic Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. These researchers examined medical records to determine the relationship between life events and the likelihood of getting sick. They ranked the 43 most stressful life events, assigning points to each based on the potential negative impact on health. Some of the stressors are thankfully rare, such as death of a spouse (#1) and imprisonment (#4). But others are much more common, such as divorce (#2), marriage (# 7 – positive life events can be stressful!), change in health of a family member (#11), business readjustment (#15), change in financial state (#16) and even things we dream of, such as outstanding personal achievement (#25).
I recently went through a series of life shifts, some really wonderful and some more challenging. I held up pretty well for a while, but eventually started to feel a lot more moody, tired, and just plain overwhelmed. Whenever I go through a transitional season like this I’m always grateful for those early psych courses and my awareness of "The Life Events Scale". Too much change, too many demands, and eventually the human mind and body will cave in under all the pressure.
This has happened enough times now that I know what to do to get myself, my health, and my sanity back. If you’ve got too much change (or just too much, period) going on in your life, here are some tips to get yourself and your life back, ASAP:
1) Get the best sleep you can
If you’re stressed out, getting enough sleep should be your number one priority. Give yourself time to wind down before going to bed, and create the quietest, darkest sleeping space possible.
2) Meditate or pray in the morning
I normally spend quiet time in prayerful meditation every morning, but the numerous recent changes in my life had made it hard to maintain my old routine. I felt unhinged, and quickly felt so much better when I forced myself to find a few quiet minutes every morning again. Sitting for just five minutes, breathing deeply in and out and focusing on a calming scripture verse (in my case), creates a sense of calm (and even lower blood pressure!) that lasts throughout the day.
3) Make yourself eat, no matter how crazy things are
The more stressed I am, the more I try to do before breakfast (and breakfast often ends up eaten at lunchtime). Skipping meals and snacks leads to low blood sugar, fatigue and brain fog, making you feel unable to cope. Discipline yourself to get some real food into your mouth as soon as you get up - you’ll feel much calmer, clearer and more focused. Make sure you eat throughout the day and don’t let yourself ever get too hungry. Don’t ignore your body’s cues for needing food and water, no matter how busy you are.
4) Load up on greens the easy way
I get a physical and psychological boost from superfoods, as I know how much my body appreciates them when stressed. I try not to go a day without the simple green smoothie I make in my blender (click here for the recipe), it takes less than five minutes to make and less than a minute to drink.
5) Get through one day at a time
As the ancient words remind us: “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” When life is particularly stressful, it really helps to just focus on getting through each day. I use my morning quiet time to get centered and ready to face the day, and that day alone. Life feels so much easier when you face it one day at a time.
6) Make no your default answer
I read a great blog post from Paul Angone the other day called “Stop Trying to Balance Your Life”. His thesis was that our fundamental problem isn’t our inability to balance it all, it’s overcommitment. I totally agree. I’ve written about this before: when you say yes to something new, you say no to something else. (see my previous post on Saying No) There isn’t an infinite amount of time available to you. When you say that yes it will mean something really important will be squeezed out: that time alone you desperately need, or that extra hour of sleep that would make all the difference, or the precious time with your spouse or kids that you all long for.
7) Take sanity breaks
Lose the go-go-go mentality, it will kill you. Take breaks whenever your body or mind start to feel tired. Have a snack. Get up and do some stretches. Rest your brain. Take your lunch outside and sit by a fountain with the sun on your face (I did that the other day, it felt so good). You need breaks, don’t tell yourself that you’re better off just plowing through.
8) Give yourself a Sabbath day every week
In this 24-7 world we live in, it’s easy to treat every day as another opportunity to tick off to-do list items. For a long time now I’ve saved my sanity by taking Sundays off, no matter how busy my life is. Whenever I’m tempted to work because I’m feeling panicked about some upcoming deadline, I remind myself that in the past I’ve somehow always gotten done what needed to be done, even if I’ve taken a day off.
One day a week, try to avoid doing anything that feels like work. Turn off your phone. Don’t go online. Take a nap. Read a good book. Spend some time with your family and friends. Go for a walk together. This day of rest and rejuvenation will refresh you and give you the energy you need to face the trenches yet again for another week. And you will still somehow get everything done.
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Sober dating tips for my future
From PsychologyToday.com:
Online Dating: Are You Attracting the Right Type?
By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.
Find out if your dating strategy goes for quantity or quality.
In a recent post “Why Authenticity is the Best Dating Strategy” I reviewed research conducted by myself and my colleagues on why “Being Yourself” is the best dating strategy for those looking to have successful long-term romantic relationships.
Participants who are high on authenticity have more committed relationships, have more emotional intelligence, and engage in a dating strategy in which they show interest, make themselves emotionally available, and are transparent in showing their feelings. Authentic individuals that adopt such a dating strategy tend to attract individuals like themselves, resulting in what evolutionary psychologists call “assortative mating” (birds of a feather flock together).
In contrast to authenticity, individuals that score high on The Dark Triad of narcissism, Machiavellian intelligence, and psychopathy tend to play hard to get and suffer poor long-term relational outcomes. Nevertheless, in the short-term playing hard to get may work if it incites more interest (i.e. makes one more popular) and leads to more casual sexual hook-ups.
Personalities can be attractive or unattractive depending upon people’s preferences. Just like individuals have sexual preferences, individuals also have personality preferences. In general, because of assortative mating, individuals are attracted to individuals with personalities like themselves. As a consequence, authentic people are attracted to other authentic people and are turned off by people that seem fake (i.e. inauthentic).
Similarly, people who play hard to get are attracted to people like themselves because people who play games find it exciting to win the game. They get off on the rush of conquest so that people who are too straightforward are boring and if people are too open about their insecurities, they don’t possess the allure of the supremely self-confident.
Our Dating Profile as a Mating Strategy
Online dating poses a challenge for authentic individuals. Authenticity in relationships requires two elements: 1) A willingness to expose emotional vulnerability to have a more emotionally intimate relationship despite the risk of rejection for such exposure and 2) The unacceptability of deception.
Does one create an online dating profile that is completely honest, though it might turn off certain individuals if it advertises our genuine needs and personal limitations? Do women post a photograph that is current, given many men’s preference for youthful beauty? Do men portray their professional success accurately, given many women’s preference for men with status and resources?
Online dating offers ample opportunity to cultivate a false self that reflects an idealized version of ourselves that we think will be more alluring than our real selves. The basic dating strategy is to attract as much interest as we can on the basis of this idealized version of ourselves. Then we can pick the best of the bunch. Hopefully, by the time our dating partner gets to know our real self, warts and all, they will be too attached to break up with us despite the deception and the consequent buyer’s remorse.
The problem with presenting an overly idealized version of oneself to attract a lot of interest is that, due to assortative mating, it is likely to attract a lot of individuals just like oneself, individuals who are also marketing an overly idealized image of themselves that panders to wishful thinking. It will attract individuals playing the same game, so that in choosing the best of the bunch one may have been had. One may have been seduced into picking the biggest fake of the bunch.
As a result, two fake people are attracted to each other on the basis of false pretenses. Once they begin to realize that they have been played for a fool, the relationship begins to get ugly as both feel humiliated and bitter from having been duped.
Go for Quality Over Quantity
A more authentic approach to online dating results in a different experience. You’re not going to be that popular because your honesty and straightforwardness will be a turn off to those attracted to bright and shiny objects that seem too good to be true.
Don’t take it personally and feel badly about being unpopular. Your online profile is working as a screening device to turn off all the fake, gameplaying, and superficial individuals that you wouldn’t want for a long-term partner anyway.
You are looking for a needle in a haystack, that one special person that can appreciate the real you. In addition, that person is likely to possess what you want in a long-term partner: someone who is deep rather than superficial, genuine rather than fake, honest rather than deceitful, straightforward rather than gameplaying.
This is the kind of person you can trust and with whom you can have emotional intimacy. So yes, being authentic will expose you to a lot of rejection. But you will get rejected by the kind of people you don’t really want as a long-term partner anyhow, so don’t take it personally. In the end you will eventually attract exactly what you were looking for in a long-term partner.
Don’t Be Naïve and Let Wishful Thinking Cloud Your Better Judgment
Authentic individuals do have an emotional vulnerability that they have to watch out for. Since authentic individuals are honest in their self-presentation, they tend to naively assume that other people are also being honest. That is a faulty assumption, as being fake and gameplaying is much more common than authentic individuals often realize.
As a consequence, authentic individuals can be duped if they take the idealized self-presentation of gameplaying individuals at face value and therefore take it personally when they are rejected or mistreated by people that on the surface seemed like good catches. It’s hard to appreciate that such successfully gameplaying individuals aren’t such good catches.
In fact, authentic individuals are lucky to have dodged a bullet when rejected by fake and gameplaying individuals. Sometimes getting dumped by the wrong person is the best thing that can happen to you if your better judgment has been clouded by naivety and wishful thinking.
The wrong person did you a big favor in rejecting you because they freed you to do better with someone else who is a more genuine person. So “be yourself” in online dating and look for someone who is as authentic as you are.
Online Dating: Are You Attracting the Right Type?
By: Lawrence Josephs, Ph.D.
Find out if your dating strategy goes for quantity or quality.
In a recent post “Why Authenticity is the Best Dating Strategy” I reviewed research conducted by myself and my colleagues on why “Being Yourself” is the best dating strategy for those looking to have successful long-term romantic relationships.
Participants who are high on authenticity have more committed relationships, have more emotional intelligence, and engage in a dating strategy in which they show interest, make themselves emotionally available, and are transparent in showing their feelings. Authentic individuals that adopt such a dating strategy tend to attract individuals like themselves, resulting in what evolutionary psychologists call “assortative mating” (birds of a feather flock together).
In contrast to authenticity, individuals that score high on The Dark Triad of narcissism, Machiavellian intelligence, and psychopathy tend to play hard to get and suffer poor long-term relational outcomes. Nevertheless, in the short-term playing hard to get may work if it incites more interest (i.e. makes one more popular) and leads to more casual sexual hook-ups.
Personalities can be attractive or unattractive depending upon people’s preferences. Just like individuals have sexual preferences, individuals also have personality preferences. In general, because of assortative mating, individuals are attracted to individuals with personalities like themselves. As a consequence, authentic people are attracted to other authentic people and are turned off by people that seem fake (i.e. inauthentic).
Similarly, people who play hard to get are attracted to people like themselves because people who play games find it exciting to win the game. They get off on the rush of conquest so that people who are too straightforward are boring and if people are too open about their insecurities, they don’t possess the allure of the supremely self-confident.
Our Dating Profile as a Mating Strategy
Online dating poses a challenge for authentic individuals. Authenticity in relationships requires two elements: 1) A willingness to expose emotional vulnerability to have a more emotionally intimate relationship despite the risk of rejection for such exposure and 2) The unacceptability of deception.
Does one create an online dating profile that is completely honest, though it might turn off certain individuals if it advertises our genuine needs and personal limitations? Do women post a photograph that is current, given many men’s preference for youthful beauty? Do men portray their professional success accurately, given many women’s preference for men with status and resources?
Online dating offers ample opportunity to cultivate a false self that reflects an idealized version of ourselves that we think will be more alluring than our real selves. The basic dating strategy is to attract as much interest as we can on the basis of this idealized version of ourselves. Then we can pick the best of the bunch. Hopefully, by the time our dating partner gets to know our real self, warts and all, they will be too attached to break up with us despite the deception and the consequent buyer’s remorse.
The problem with presenting an overly idealized version of oneself to attract a lot of interest is that, due to assortative mating, it is likely to attract a lot of individuals just like oneself, individuals who are also marketing an overly idealized image of themselves that panders to wishful thinking. It will attract individuals playing the same game, so that in choosing the best of the bunch one may have been had. One may have been seduced into picking the biggest fake of the bunch.
As a result, two fake people are attracted to each other on the basis of false pretenses. Once they begin to realize that they have been played for a fool, the relationship begins to get ugly as both feel humiliated and bitter from having been duped.
Go for Quality Over Quantity
A more authentic approach to online dating results in a different experience. You’re not going to be that popular because your honesty and straightforwardness will be a turn off to those attracted to bright and shiny objects that seem too good to be true.
Don’t take it personally and feel badly about being unpopular. Your online profile is working as a screening device to turn off all the fake, gameplaying, and superficial individuals that you wouldn’t want for a long-term partner anyway.
You are looking for a needle in a haystack, that one special person that can appreciate the real you. In addition, that person is likely to possess what you want in a long-term partner: someone who is deep rather than superficial, genuine rather than fake, honest rather than deceitful, straightforward rather than gameplaying.
This is the kind of person you can trust and with whom you can have emotional intimacy. So yes, being authentic will expose you to a lot of rejection. But you will get rejected by the kind of people you don’t really want as a long-term partner anyhow, so don’t take it personally. In the end you will eventually attract exactly what you were looking for in a long-term partner.
Don’t Be Naïve and Let Wishful Thinking Cloud Your Better Judgment
Authentic individuals do have an emotional vulnerability that they have to watch out for. Since authentic individuals are honest in their self-presentation, they tend to naively assume that other people are also being honest. That is a faulty assumption, as being fake and gameplaying is much more common than authentic individuals often realize.
As a consequence, authentic individuals can be duped if they take the idealized self-presentation of gameplaying individuals at face value and therefore take it personally when they are rejected or mistreated by people that on the surface seemed like good catches. It’s hard to appreciate that such successfully gameplaying individuals aren’t such good catches.
In fact, authentic individuals are lucky to have dodged a bullet when rejected by fake and gameplaying individuals. Sometimes getting dumped by the wrong person is the best thing that can happen to you if your better judgment has been clouded by naivety and wishful thinking.
The wrong person did you a big favor in rejecting you because they freed you to do better with someone else who is a more genuine person. So “be yourself” in online dating and look for someone who is as authentic as you are.
Monday, June 24, 2019
Tips to reduce overeating when you're upset
From PsychologyToday.com:
How to Stop Overeating When You Feel Emotionally Unstable
By: Glenn Livingston Ph.D.
Ever run to food when you're feeling upset? Try this unusual technique.
Many people report serious difficulties with overeating when they feel emotionally unsettled. They turn to "comfort food," which is their way of understanding that when the body is tasked with processing too much and/or the wrong kind of food, it's more difficult for the nervous system to conduct the emotions. As a result, overeating can "numb" our feelings and make life seem more manageable in the short run, although it creates more problems in the long run: "If you have six problems, and you overeat, then you'll have seven problems."
There are a variety of ways to address this, but today I'd like to talk about an unusual technique.
Step One: Identify a memory from childhood where you became worked up and very emotional over something extremely silly. It should be something you can easily laugh about now, even though it felt very upsetting at the time. Usually, earlier memories are better, because we can more easily laugh about our very childlike thinking at the time.
For example, I remember my sister Laurie's first real haircut. I was a little over 4 years old, and she was about to turn 2. We went to my barber, who was absolutely dumbfounded by how much we looked alike: “Oh my goodness, she has his face!” he said.
I did not like this at all and started screaming.
“I want my face back! Give me my face back! Mommy, Laurie took my face, and she won't give it back! Mommy!”
See? I wasn’t Ph.D. material from the outset.
Of course, my mother calmed me down by explaining it was just a figure of speech, and the barber was just very impressed by how much we looked alike. "Nobody took your face, honey," Mom said.
Step Two: Condense the memory into a concise mantra you can use to remind yourself that you're getting worked up over nothing, just like you did during the original event.
The "give me my face back" memory has proven very useful in my recovery from overeating. I recall the first time I used it, just a few months after my divorce. I'd just received a rejection from a woman I'd met and developed a crush on earlier that morning. Even though I had only known her a few hours before she rejected me, I was reacting as if I'd lost the love of my life. I was devastated and felt a very old (and very compulsive) craving for chocolate, which I hadn't had in years.
Then I remembered the above story and said to myself, "Glenn, stop! Nobody took your face."
The power of the earlier experience came flooding back, and I realized I was getting all worked up over nothing. The craving disappeared, I went and made myself a kale-banana smoothie, and all was right in the world. Indeed, nobody took my face.
Now, "Nobody took your face!” is a mantra I use when I find myself getting emotionally worked up about things for no reason. And that’s one less reason I can use to rationalize overeating. It's been very helpful.
At this juncture, you might wish to pause for a moment to think of a childhood memory where you got all worked up and out of sorts for no reason at all. If you can't find one, ask family members who may have been there. Then ask yourself what the "lesson" was in that story that finally calmed you down, and turn it into a mantra to calm you down and snap you back into your more rational, adult self, so you won't justify overeating because of your upset.
How to Stop Overeating When You Feel Emotionally Unstable
By: Glenn Livingston Ph.D.
Ever run to food when you're feeling upset? Try this unusual technique.
Many people report serious difficulties with overeating when they feel emotionally unsettled. They turn to "comfort food," which is their way of understanding that when the body is tasked with processing too much and/or the wrong kind of food, it's more difficult for the nervous system to conduct the emotions. As a result, overeating can "numb" our feelings and make life seem more manageable in the short run, although it creates more problems in the long run: "If you have six problems, and you overeat, then you'll have seven problems."
There are a variety of ways to address this, but today I'd like to talk about an unusual technique.
Step One: Identify a memory from childhood where you became worked up and very emotional over something extremely silly. It should be something you can easily laugh about now, even though it felt very upsetting at the time. Usually, earlier memories are better, because we can more easily laugh about our very childlike thinking at the time.
For example, I remember my sister Laurie's first real haircut. I was a little over 4 years old, and she was about to turn 2. We went to my barber, who was absolutely dumbfounded by how much we looked alike: “Oh my goodness, she has his face!” he said.
I did not like this at all and started screaming.
“I want my face back! Give me my face back! Mommy, Laurie took my face, and she won't give it back! Mommy!”
See? I wasn’t Ph.D. material from the outset.
Of course, my mother calmed me down by explaining it was just a figure of speech, and the barber was just very impressed by how much we looked alike. "Nobody took your face, honey," Mom said.
Step Two: Condense the memory into a concise mantra you can use to remind yourself that you're getting worked up over nothing, just like you did during the original event.
The "give me my face back" memory has proven very useful in my recovery from overeating. I recall the first time I used it, just a few months after my divorce. I'd just received a rejection from a woman I'd met and developed a crush on earlier that morning. Even though I had only known her a few hours before she rejected me, I was reacting as if I'd lost the love of my life. I was devastated and felt a very old (and very compulsive) craving for chocolate, which I hadn't had in years.
Then I remembered the above story and said to myself, "Glenn, stop! Nobody took your face."
The power of the earlier experience came flooding back, and I realized I was getting all worked up over nothing. The craving disappeared, I went and made myself a kale-banana smoothie, and all was right in the world. Indeed, nobody took my face.
Now, "Nobody took your face!” is a mantra I use when I find myself getting emotionally worked up about things for no reason. And that’s one less reason I can use to rationalize overeating. It's been very helpful.
At this juncture, you might wish to pause for a moment to think of a childhood memory where you got all worked up and out of sorts for no reason at all. If you can't find one, ask family members who may have been there. Then ask yourself what the "lesson" was in that story that finally calmed you down, and turn it into a mantra to calm you down and snap you back into your more rational, adult self, so you won't justify overeating because of your upset.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
How to stop overeating
From PsychologyToday.com:
How to Stop Emotional Overeating When You Just Don't Care
By: Glenn Livingston Ph.D.
Did you ever get so emotional that you just didn't care about your diet anymore? Perhaps you god so angry, sad, lonely, anxious, happy, and/or tired that you said to yourself "Screw it, who cares about my stupid diet, I'll just start again tomorrow!"
Most people think the only way to beat this is to enhance their motivation. That's not a bad idea, it's just not the only thing that works. There's a dramatic shift in mindset I've found much more important in helping hundreds of clients stop overeating, but I have to warn you, you may recoil from it at first. I encourage you to consider it anyway.
See, right now you probably think you have to care or else you can't stick to your diet. But what if you challenged that assumption? "Why do you have to care?" Why can't there be some things you do regardless of whether you feel like it or not?
The deep dark secret of the dieting world is that we do not have to fall in love with our feelings, we are perfectly capable of eating healthy in spite of them. In fact, this is almost a necessity for everyone who wants to lose weight and keep it off. There are some things we all will have to do to take care of ourselves which we are just never going to feel like doing.
I'll give you an example. Personally, I don't care to floss my teeth. In fact, I utterly hate it. If this weren't a professional blog post in a well-respected online magazine, there'd be several curse words in that last sentence to underscore how much I dislike the experience. There's no amount of motivational enhancement which could make me want to do it. I just don't care!
But you know what? I floss anyway because I don't care.
I know flossing is critically important . I know what happens if I don't. I'm not interested in periodontal work (and the associated bills). I also know overall health is highly correlated with dental health. But because these benefits are all contained in my intellect I've learned I can't rely on my emotions to drive my flossing decisions. So I leave the floss open on the sink where I'll see it first thing in the morning when I wake up, and last thing at night before I go to bed. In my head, when I see the floss sitting there I think "Oh crap, here we go again, I really don't feel like flossing. Who cares!"
Now, I'm a seasoned psychologist, intimately familiar with cognitive re-framing and motivational techniques. But no matter what I've tried I still hate flossing. The above thoughts and feelings go through my head each and every day, but I've trained myself to use them as my cue to floss ASAP. I recognize the unpleasant emotion and choose to do the right thing because of it. I don't wait until I want to do it because that moment will never come.
I floss because I don't care!
You can do the same thing with food. Let's say you know that when you get home in the evening, the last thing you're going to want to do is eat a healthy meal with a salad, etc. "Screw it, let's get takeout or go through the drive through" that voice in your head may say. That's your cue to make a big salad because you don't feel like it. Or better yet, set up your evening food first thing in the morning and lay it out in Tupperware so you'll know it's sitting there waiting for you when you get home. (It's much easier to make good food decisions in the morning when you're fresh.)
See, the lie in the thought "I don't care at all right now therefore I must overeat" is in the "therefore" part. There will be times you don't care. It's inevitable. Indifference is a natural part of recovering from overeating. But that's OK, you don't have to care, you only have to do what's right. In fact, you can use your indifference and/or negative feelings about caring for yourself as the catalyst to do the right thing.
Food for thought, no?
I've got one more important point about motivation: If you really didn't care about eating healthy you wouldn't have read this far. The truth is you care deeply, but at the moment of temptation your reptilian brain is activated and misdirects your survival drive to some less-than-good-for-you treat. Learning to ignore these impulses is a trainable skill.
How to Stop Emotional Overeating When You Just Don't Care
By: Glenn Livingston Ph.D.
Did you ever get so emotional that you just didn't care about your diet anymore? Perhaps you god so angry, sad, lonely, anxious, happy, and/or tired that you said to yourself "Screw it, who cares about my stupid diet, I'll just start again tomorrow!"
Most people think the only way to beat this is to enhance their motivation. That's not a bad idea, it's just not the only thing that works. There's a dramatic shift in mindset I've found much more important in helping hundreds of clients stop overeating, but I have to warn you, you may recoil from it at first. I encourage you to consider it anyway.
See, right now you probably think you have to care or else you can't stick to your diet. But what if you challenged that assumption? "Why do you have to care?" Why can't there be some things you do regardless of whether you feel like it or not?
The deep dark secret of the dieting world is that we do not have to fall in love with our feelings, we are perfectly capable of eating healthy in spite of them. In fact, this is almost a necessity for everyone who wants to lose weight and keep it off. There are some things we all will have to do to take care of ourselves which we are just never going to feel like doing.
I'll give you an example. Personally, I don't care to floss my teeth. In fact, I utterly hate it. If this weren't a professional blog post in a well-respected online magazine, there'd be several curse words in that last sentence to underscore how much I dislike the experience. There's no amount of motivational enhancement which could make me want to do it. I just don't care!
But you know what? I floss anyway because I don't care.
I know flossing is critically important . I know what happens if I don't. I'm not interested in periodontal work (and the associated bills). I also know overall health is highly correlated with dental health. But because these benefits are all contained in my intellect I've learned I can't rely on my emotions to drive my flossing decisions. So I leave the floss open on the sink where I'll see it first thing in the morning when I wake up, and last thing at night before I go to bed. In my head, when I see the floss sitting there I think "Oh crap, here we go again, I really don't feel like flossing. Who cares!"
Now, I'm a seasoned psychologist, intimately familiar with cognitive re-framing and motivational techniques. But no matter what I've tried I still hate flossing. The above thoughts and feelings go through my head each and every day, but I've trained myself to use them as my cue to floss ASAP. I recognize the unpleasant emotion and choose to do the right thing because of it. I don't wait until I want to do it because that moment will never come.
I floss because I don't care!
You can do the same thing with food. Let's say you know that when you get home in the evening, the last thing you're going to want to do is eat a healthy meal with a salad, etc. "Screw it, let's get takeout or go through the drive through" that voice in your head may say. That's your cue to make a big salad because you don't feel like it. Or better yet, set up your evening food first thing in the morning and lay it out in Tupperware so you'll know it's sitting there waiting for you when you get home. (It's much easier to make good food decisions in the morning when you're fresh.)
See, the lie in the thought "I don't care at all right now therefore I must overeat" is in the "therefore" part. There will be times you don't care. It's inevitable. Indifference is a natural part of recovering from overeating. But that's OK, you don't have to care, you only have to do what's right. In fact, you can use your indifference and/or negative feelings about caring for yourself as the catalyst to do the right thing.
Food for thought, no?
I've got one more important point about motivation: If you really didn't care about eating healthy you wouldn't have read this far. The truth is you care deeply, but at the moment of temptation your reptilian brain is activated and misdirects your survival drive to some less-than-good-for-you treat. Learning to ignore these impulses is a trainable skill.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Changing memories
From PsychologyToday.com:
Can We Change the Way We Remember Romantic Relationships?
By: Mark D. White Ph.D.
We can choose to remember events in a different way to improve our well-being.
We like to think that our memories are accurate representations of the past as we experienced it, as if there were a dispassionate and objective biographer in our head recording our life’s events. But the truth is much different: We play a large role, consciously or not, in crafting our memories and constructing the narrative of how we remember our lives (in a process researches often call narrative memory).
I was reminded of this when I saw this report of recent psychological research into the effects of mood on how one remembers their parents, which concluded with this paragraph quoting the lead author of the study, Dr. Lawrence Patihis:
“The significance of this research lies in the new knowledge that our current evaluations of people can be lowered if we choose to focus on the negative, and this can have a side effect: the diminishing of positive aspects of childhood memories,” says Patihis. “We wonder if wide-ranging reappraisals of parents—perhaps in life or in therapy—could lead to intergenerational heartache and estrangement. Understanding this subtle type of memory distortion is necessary if we want to prevent it.”
The study was conducted with reference to parents, but I think the results also apply to our romantic relationships, especially past ones, of which our memories can change over time.
Any relationship is made up of a number of experiences both good and bad, and to the extent that we choose to think about them at all, we have no choice but to remember them selectively. According to the study cited above, things that happen to us now can trigger changes in the way we remember relationships from our past. If we see something about an ex that puts them in a positive light, we may be led to remember more good things about the relationship and have a better overall assessment of it, and vice versa.
Although that effect is unconscious, this also suggests that we can play an active role in how we choose to remember past relationships. For example, I tend to focus on the negative aspects of past relationships, not only the break-up itself but also events that precipitated or led to it—and we all know that if you go down that rabbit-hole, you can find as many “causes” for a break-up as you want. (“She didn’t pass the salt when I asked that one time at dinner seven months ago—that was the beginning of the end, I just know it!”)
For those of you who do this as well, we need to realize that this is a choice. No one is forcing us to remember the events of a past relationship a certain way—it all depends on how we want to construct our narratives, which is based on our self-image and also reinforces it in a vicious cycle. The more we remember our past relationships as disasters, the more likely we are to imagine that any future relationship will also be a disaster as well, because that becomes part of how we conceive of ourselves.
But this can work the other way too. We can choose to focus on the good parts of a past relationship without denying that there were bad parts. The more we choose to remember that there were times we were happy in a relationship—times that our partners were likely happy too—the better this reflects on us as persons and partners, which will put you in a better mindset to seek out a new relationship and be successful at it.
There is an argument to be made for trying to remember past relationships in the most accurate and objective way, like a manager performing an employee review or a journalist reporting on a major news event. Why would we want to remember something any other way than how it “really” happened? But these ideals don’t apply to romantic relationships, which are too personal, too subjective, and too emotional to be remembered according to any ideal of perfect truth. There is no Archimedean point from which we can view the relationship from outside of it, and therefore no “objective truth” to be remembered.
This doesn’t mean that we should remember things that didn’t happen or deny things that did—we shouldn’t lie to ourselves. To make sense of the mess of memories involved in any major life event, though, we have to sort, frame, and prioritize them in some way to form a narrative, so why not do this in a way that serves our best interests going forward? The American pragmatist philosophers said that truth must serve a purpose, which is controversial, but whether or not you agree, it does help us think in a different way about the purpose of how we choose to remember our relationships (for which there is no definite truth anyway).
Every memory, every experience, every feeling, is ours—and they’re ours to remember how we choose for whatever reason we choose, and you can choose to remember them in a way that makes you feel better about yourself. (Radical idea, I know.)
Can We Change the Way We Remember Romantic Relationships?
By: Mark D. White Ph.D.
We can choose to remember events in a different way to improve our well-being.
We like to think that our memories are accurate representations of the past as we experienced it, as if there were a dispassionate and objective biographer in our head recording our life’s events. But the truth is much different: We play a large role, consciously or not, in crafting our memories and constructing the narrative of how we remember our lives (in a process researches often call narrative memory).
I was reminded of this when I saw this report of recent psychological research into the effects of mood on how one remembers their parents, which concluded with this paragraph quoting the lead author of the study, Dr. Lawrence Patihis:
“The significance of this research lies in the new knowledge that our current evaluations of people can be lowered if we choose to focus on the negative, and this can have a side effect: the diminishing of positive aspects of childhood memories,” says Patihis. “We wonder if wide-ranging reappraisals of parents—perhaps in life or in therapy—could lead to intergenerational heartache and estrangement. Understanding this subtle type of memory distortion is necessary if we want to prevent it.”
The study was conducted with reference to parents, but I think the results also apply to our romantic relationships, especially past ones, of which our memories can change over time.
Any relationship is made up of a number of experiences both good and bad, and to the extent that we choose to think about them at all, we have no choice but to remember them selectively. According to the study cited above, things that happen to us now can trigger changes in the way we remember relationships from our past. If we see something about an ex that puts them in a positive light, we may be led to remember more good things about the relationship and have a better overall assessment of it, and vice versa.
Although that effect is unconscious, this also suggests that we can play an active role in how we choose to remember past relationships. For example, I tend to focus on the negative aspects of past relationships, not only the break-up itself but also events that precipitated or led to it—and we all know that if you go down that rabbit-hole, you can find as many “causes” for a break-up as you want. (“She didn’t pass the salt when I asked that one time at dinner seven months ago—that was the beginning of the end, I just know it!”)
For those of you who do this as well, we need to realize that this is a choice. No one is forcing us to remember the events of a past relationship a certain way—it all depends on how we want to construct our narratives, which is based on our self-image and also reinforces it in a vicious cycle. The more we remember our past relationships as disasters, the more likely we are to imagine that any future relationship will also be a disaster as well, because that becomes part of how we conceive of ourselves.
But this can work the other way too. We can choose to focus on the good parts of a past relationship without denying that there were bad parts. The more we choose to remember that there were times we were happy in a relationship—times that our partners were likely happy too—the better this reflects on us as persons and partners, which will put you in a better mindset to seek out a new relationship and be successful at it.
There is an argument to be made for trying to remember past relationships in the most accurate and objective way, like a manager performing an employee review or a journalist reporting on a major news event. Why would we want to remember something any other way than how it “really” happened? But these ideals don’t apply to romantic relationships, which are too personal, too subjective, and too emotional to be remembered according to any ideal of perfect truth. There is no Archimedean point from which we can view the relationship from outside of it, and therefore no “objective truth” to be remembered.
This doesn’t mean that we should remember things that didn’t happen or deny things that did—we shouldn’t lie to ourselves. To make sense of the mess of memories involved in any major life event, though, we have to sort, frame, and prioritize them in some way to form a narrative, so why not do this in a way that serves our best interests going forward? The American pragmatist philosophers said that truth must serve a purpose, which is controversial, but whether or not you agree, it does help us think in a different way about the purpose of how we choose to remember our relationships (for which there is no definite truth anyway).
Every memory, every experience, every feeling, is ours—and they’re ours to remember how we choose for whatever reason we choose, and you can choose to remember them in a way that makes you feel better about yourself. (Radical idea, I know.)
Thursday, June 20, 2019
Dating after 40
From Betterhelp.com:
Tips For Dating In Your 40s & Beyond
By: Sarah Fader
It can be difficult to start dating when you're in your forties. You may be thinking, "I am way too old to be dating at this point in my life. Everyone's who's available at my age probably has their own set of baggage that I'd have to deal with."
While this may be true, don't we all have baggage at any age? The key is to find someone who doesn't let their problems rule their life. There is undoubtedly someone out there who is in the same or a similar situation to your own, and who may be as hesitant to dive back into the dating pool but, like you, do so anyway with the hope that they will meet their perfect person.
Tip #1 - Be Open To Change
Dating after 40 can be tough. More than likely, a lot has changed since you last put yourself out there. For instance, you don't have to tell someone all there is to know about you on the first date, they'll know everything you've ever posted in a public forum (and maybe some things you haven't) by the second date with one quick Google search.
And how about text etiquette? Texting had all but replaced the need to call someone, but what are the rules? How long should you wait to text someone back? What do you say in a text, and what is better said face-to-face? Is it ever okay to break-up by text? These are all things that you may need to research before getting back into the dating game, especially if you don't have children who can keep you up to speed on these things.
But that's okay! Change can be a good thing, too. You may find texting to be infinitely more helpful than making a phone call because you can think about what you want to say before you say it. This is especially helpful in the earlier days of dating someone new, as you may fear to trip over your words or saying something "stupid" to turn off your new partner while the relationship is still delicate.
You will never regret embracing change. Things are being updated all the time to improve the way they have always been done. If you find yourself stuck in your old ways, even if they have proven infallible in the past, there may be an easier way to do things, and you are closing yourself out.
Tip #2 - Accept That Some Things Never Change
While plenty has changed in the dating world, there remains much left that hasn't. There will always be good dates and bad dates. Don't spend the whole date talking about your ex. Don't spend more time on your phone than trying to get to know the person in front of you.
Here's one that may be new to you, but not for your demographic: don't harp on your age. Age may have been a deciding factor when you were in your teens and twenties, but now that you're in your forties, it doesn't matter how old you are.
If you're 45, and you're dating someone who's 41, he or she isn't going to care how close to 50 you are. The chances are good that you already have many things in common:
You've probably both been married
You probably both have children.
You are probably both widowed, or have experienced a betrayal that leads to the breakup of your marriage.
You are probably both settled in your careers.
You may both have pets.
And the biggest one that you two now share: you're both looking to live out your remaining years with someone worthy of your time. Maybe you both have decided that you never want to get married again. Maybe you're both holding out hope that you may one day get married again if you find the right person.
Either way, you have both, more than likely, hit most, if not all, of the major milestones in life. This is both easier and harder for those who are dating over 40. It's easier because you don't have to worry about your biological clock, if you're a woman, or about finding the right career before you settle down and get married.
It can be harder because now that you have had more life experience and you know what you want in a mate, you may have to suffer through a lot of bad apples before you find the perfect match.
Plus, things can become more complicated when you already have children. Not only do they have to be okay with your dating someone who isn't their parent, but they may also feel as if they are being forced to get along with your partner and his or her children - something they may not want or be able to do.
Tip #3 - Designing Your Next Relationship Before You Dive In
Getting back to the idea that you have a better idea of what you want in your forties than you ever did in your twenties, it is a good idea to map out your next relationship before you even start to date. This gives you more time to enjoy being alone, to date yourself, in a way.
Make a written list, if you feel so inclined, of all the things that you want from your next partner. Be as candid as possible with your list, including sexual turn-ons and turn-offs. Maybe there's something that your former partner did that annoyed you, or something he or she didn't do that you wish they did. Add these things to the list. If you find similar traits in your next partner, and they aren't worth compromising, then you'll know to throw that fish back into the sea and try again.
Tip #4 - Location, Location, Location
Now that you've decided you want to date again…where does one go to do it? Sure, you can go to a bar if you want a quick hookup, but is this the place to find something more long-term?
You can't beat "cute meeting" situations, where you drop your basket of groceries in the supermarket, and Mr. or Mrs. Right helps you clean them up. But how often do these things happen in real life? And who wants to wait years for a chance encounter that may never happen?
If you want to take matters into your own hands, then there are some ways to do so. Of course, there's the old-fashioned way, which is to meet someone through a mutual friend. But at this age, it is more likely that your friends' friends are of a similar age, and that everyone is either married or happily paired off.
You may be reluctant at first, but online dating is one of the best ways to meet new people in your forties. You may be thinking: "online dating? Isn't that the fastest way to meet your end at the hands of a serial killer?" While online dating was initially a risky way to meet people, dating apps have evolved over the years to the point where you can do a fair amount of evaluating before you ever meet a person in real life.
BestLife.com has a list of 10 of the best dating apps they recommend to people over the age of 40. Rounding out the top three entries in this list are PlentyofFish, Match.com, and OkCupid. But how do you know which app to use? What's the difference? Don't they all do the same thing?
Well, for one thing, while some dating apps, like Match.com, charge a monthly fee, other apps, like OkCupid are free to use. All three of these sites have been around forever, and OkCupid is recommended for people over the age of 40 because users are typically looking for more of a long-term connection.
Match.com is great for this demographic as well because over 75 percent of its users are over the age of 30. The best way to meet someone new is to try out more than one app. You'll never know which app your future soulmate prefers until you run into them.
Tip #5 - Take Care Of Yourself
The best advice for dating in your 40s may be something you're not ready to hear: you need to work on getting back in shape if you aren't already. This is not meant to impress others with a sexier body, this is meant to take care of yourself, and to do something for yourself that happens to win other people over. Showing people you care about yourself is one of the sexiest things you can do.
Not to mention, you will be doing yourself a favor by taking steps to improve your health. No one wants to suffer from aches and pains or to be less limber than they were in high school. Eating right and exercising regularly will stave off old age and, as a side benefit, you'll look better and younger than you ever did before. You can never go wrong by taking care of yourself first. Your Mr. or Mrs. Perfect will soon follow.
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
Insight and epiphanies
I wanted to post some insight that I had earlier today that I am pretty excited about! It was quite the epiphany even though to some, it might be common sense. Throughout my entire life, I have objectified men. I didn't realize it until I entered recovery but it became obvious as my active addiction progressed based on how I would turn myself inside out for guys I didn't even particularly like. All I knew is that I found many of them incredibly physically attractive and because they were hyper-masculine, I felt as if I was desperate for their "love" and approval. (which came from daddy issues, YAY!) I have noticed how I tend to put a guy on a pedestal if I find him attractive; this effect becomes magnified if he is funny, intelligent, etc. I have decided that going forward, it will help me immensely to remind myself that all qualities of a person make them who they are, not just one. Also I need to remember that if a person's behavior or actions could come across as toxic in any way, what they look like doesn't matter; their appearance should be a moot issue. I love deep introspection!
Monday, June 17, 2019
How to build confidence
From PsychologyToday.com:
Is Confidence a Skill You Can Learn?
By: Meg Selig
This activity can help you know yourself and become more confident at work, too.
Among my most popular blogs are those that help readers "know themselves" and become more confident. More than a million people have read my blogs on just these two topics alone. Once I realized how many people were seeking self-knowledge and self-assurance, I kept my eyes open for whatever might help.
Recently I read a study with an idea that could boost both self-knowledge and self-confidence in the area of work life. I am convinced that people of any age who seek that elusive elixir called "confidence" could benefit from the method used. If you are willing to invest a small amount of time—15-30 minutes or less—you can quickly test out the suggestion below to see if they help you.
This quick technique is often seen as a way to “sell yourself” to others, but it's not always thought of as a tool for self-awareness and self-assurance. Readers seeking self-knowledge and more confidence: This idea is for you.
Explaining Who You Are in Three Minutes or Less: The Elevator Pitch
The brief technique for increasing self-knowledge and self-confidence is the “elevator pitch,” sometimes called an “elevator message.”
An “elevator pitch” usually refers to presenting a quick professional summary of yourself. The idea is to express who you are and what you want from a work situation in the time it takes for an elevator to ascend from the bottom to the top of a tall building.
Can creating and giving elevator pitches help people increase their self-confidence? Recent research suggests that the answer is yes.
In a 2019 study, 105 full-time second-year business and law students at the University of Portsmouth (U.K.) were trained to give a three-minute elevator pitch as part of a career development curriculum called “Brand Me.” Students were "encouraged to construct their personal brand ... identify their aspirations, strengths, and values, and develop their ability to articulate these in a confident way, all of which have been linked to improved employability." The goal of the study was to find out if students could indeed increase their “employability-related self-confidence” (ERSC) by practicing their pitches.
The students gave presentations at the beginning, middle, and end of the career module. A team of mock employers, who had some experience with recruitment practices, scored the presentations. Among other things, they rated students according to whether they presented relevant information, talked positively about themselves, and used confident language, tone of voice, and body language.
Results
The findings showed that measurements of “employability-related self-confidence” did increase over time. In addition, study authors found that:
Students improved in both performance and confidence.
Students could transfer their learning to different contexts.
Learning specific skills increased self-confidence.
Students increased their knowledge of what employers were looking for.
Three-quarters of the students completed the unit even though it was optional, showing a high level of engagement with the material.
Creating an elevator pitch was not an easy task for students, but it was one from which they benefited. As Charlotte Harrison, one of the study authors said, "While the data suggests that students found the activity challenging and, at times, uncomfortable, it also indicates that they had learnt the skills of proactive self-promotion and developed their ERSC (Employability-Related Self-Confidence).”
Your Elevator Pitch For Others
To make creating an elevator pitch a less daunting task, remind yourself that you are just writing a first draft that you can revise at any time. Allow yourself no more than 10-20 minutes for your draft. The time limit will help you just do it without procrastinating or “perfectionating” (my personal term for trying to make it perfect).
If you need a format, follow the steps below.
Start with: “Hi, I’m ____ (your name) and I’m currently a ___ (your position) with ____ (your employer/school).”
Continue with an emphasis on your positive traits, achievements, qualifications, strengths, values, or goals: “My particular interest is _____.” “That’s why I’ve created a ____.” “My eventual goal is _____.”
If seeking employment, describe your job search goal or goals. “Your firm seems like a good fit for me because….”. If seeking connection, describe what you have in common with the “pitchee.”
Conclude with an ask: “Could I call you next week to set up an informational interview/job interview/meeting/?”
After you are reasonably happy with your elevator pitch, share it with a trusted friend or colleague. Ask them for feedback and listen with an open mind. Sometimes others can see your strengths better than you can see them yourself. Then revise your pitch as needed until you can deliver it with confidence and authenticity. Keep a copy of all your pitches for future reference, and you will soon have an informal history of your "career self."
You can also use these helpful suggestions from the job search site Indeed, which include a variety of examples of different kinds of pitches.
Personal Example
Since I never ask my readers to do anything I wouldn’t do myself, I created a simple elevator pitch and used it at a recent writers’ workshop when we introduced ourselves.
Because I had my elevator pitch handy, I didn’t freeze up with fear, as I am prone to do, at having to take center stage for a few minutes. I simply said: “Hi, I’m a retired counselor, now a freelance writer who writes about counseling topics. Among other things, I’m a blogger for psychologytoday.com. My special interests are health, happiness, and habits.” This message revealed just enough for the situation at hand. And even though my message was not "pitch perfect," I did feel more confident both during and after this presentation.
When I was younger, I would have resented summarizing myself (What? Summarize the nuanced, complex me?!) in just a few words. But now that I am older, I see the value of having a fast way to explain who I am. It’s surprising how often an elevator pitch comes in handy—at parties, meeting new people, work situations, medical offices, or any time that you need to rapidly explain who you are.
An elevator message is your chance to define yourself and broadcast that information to others. Your self-created pitch gives you a better chance of being seen in the way you want to be seen. Your message could be serious or humorous, down-to-earth or creative, and could be delivered forcefully or lightly, depending on the occasion and your goals.
Your Elevator Pitch for Yourself
Research indicates that as much as 50 percent of confidence is genetic. But studies like the one above illustrate that certain aspects of confidence can be taught and practiced. (Non-traditional ways to feel confident are also important, as I write here.) Just learning one specific skill, the elevator pitch, did increase self-confidence in college students in job-hunting situations. It’s reassuring to know that deliberate practice works to increase self-confidence, just as it does to perfect any skill.
As a self-awareness activity, you can write an elevator pitch without ever sharing it with anyone else. Your pitch can highlight what you view as most important about you at this moment in time. Like the job-oriented pitch, your pitch is a snapshot of who you are right now. Of course, in a few days, months, or years, your elevator pitch could be out of date. But that’s fine. Developing a new pitch will help you focus on how you are changing.
Even if you never give your elevator pitch to anyone but yourself, you will learn a little more about who you are. This knowledge is not of trivial importance. In fact, according to leadership expert Tasha Eurich, “Self-awareness is the foundational leadership skill of the twenty-first century. Leaders who know who they are, and how they’re seen by others, are more effective, confident, respected, and promotable.” (In a fascinating article here, Eurich describes four types of self-awareness and how they do or don’t contribute to effective leadership.)
Extend It
The traditional elevator pitch focuses on the “work you.” But you could use this idea for other aspects of your life. For example, if you are looking for a romantic partner, you could write an elevator message that describes who you are, what you want out of life, and what you need from a partner. Or, you could write an elevator message about your most important values or how you like to spend your leisure time. The critical goals are to know yourself better and to be able to express who you are to others.
So if you want to cultivate more self-confidence, create an elevator pitch. You may find that you can even impress yourself!
Is Confidence a Skill You Can Learn?
By: Meg Selig
This activity can help you know yourself and become more confident at work, too.
Among my most popular blogs are those that help readers "know themselves" and become more confident. More than a million people have read my blogs on just these two topics alone. Once I realized how many people were seeking self-knowledge and self-assurance, I kept my eyes open for whatever might help.
Recently I read a study with an idea that could boost both self-knowledge and self-confidence in the area of work life. I am convinced that people of any age who seek that elusive elixir called "confidence" could benefit from the method used. If you are willing to invest a small amount of time—15-30 minutes or less—you can quickly test out the suggestion below to see if they help you.
This quick technique is often seen as a way to “sell yourself” to others, but it's not always thought of as a tool for self-awareness and self-assurance. Readers seeking self-knowledge and more confidence: This idea is for you.
Explaining Who You Are in Three Minutes or Less: The Elevator Pitch
The brief technique for increasing self-knowledge and self-confidence is the “elevator pitch,” sometimes called an “elevator message.”
An “elevator pitch” usually refers to presenting a quick professional summary of yourself. The idea is to express who you are and what you want from a work situation in the time it takes for an elevator to ascend from the bottom to the top of a tall building.
Can creating and giving elevator pitches help people increase their self-confidence? Recent research suggests that the answer is yes.
In a 2019 study, 105 full-time second-year business and law students at the University of Portsmouth (U.K.) were trained to give a three-minute elevator pitch as part of a career development curriculum called “Brand Me.” Students were "encouraged to construct their personal brand ... identify their aspirations, strengths, and values, and develop their ability to articulate these in a confident way, all of which have been linked to improved employability." The goal of the study was to find out if students could indeed increase their “employability-related self-confidence” (ERSC) by practicing their pitches.
The students gave presentations at the beginning, middle, and end of the career module. A team of mock employers, who had some experience with recruitment practices, scored the presentations. Among other things, they rated students according to whether they presented relevant information, talked positively about themselves, and used confident language, tone of voice, and body language.
Results
The findings showed that measurements of “employability-related self-confidence” did increase over time. In addition, study authors found that:
Students improved in both performance and confidence.
Students could transfer their learning to different contexts.
Learning specific skills increased self-confidence.
Students increased their knowledge of what employers were looking for.
Three-quarters of the students completed the unit even though it was optional, showing a high level of engagement with the material.
Creating an elevator pitch was not an easy task for students, but it was one from which they benefited. As Charlotte Harrison, one of the study authors said, "While the data suggests that students found the activity challenging and, at times, uncomfortable, it also indicates that they had learnt the skills of proactive self-promotion and developed their ERSC (Employability-Related Self-Confidence).”
Your Elevator Pitch For Others
To make creating an elevator pitch a less daunting task, remind yourself that you are just writing a first draft that you can revise at any time. Allow yourself no more than 10-20 minutes for your draft. The time limit will help you just do it without procrastinating or “perfectionating” (my personal term for trying to make it perfect).
If you need a format, follow the steps below.
Start with: “Hi, I’m ____ (your name) and I’m currently a ___ (your position) with ____ (your employer/school).”
Continue with an emphasis on your positive traits, achievements, qualifications, strengths, values, or goals: “My particular interest is _____.” “That’s why I’ve created a ____.” “My eventual goal is _____.”
If seeking employment, describe your job search goal or goals. “Your firm seems like a good fit for me because….”. If seeking connection, describe what you have in common with the “pitchee.”
Conclude with an ask: “Could I call you next week to set up an informational interview/job interview/meeting/?”
After you are reasonably happy with your elevator pitch, share it with a trusted friend or colleague. Ask them for feedback and listen with an open mind. Sometimes others can see your strengths better than you can see them yourself. Then revise your pitch as needed until you can deliver it with confidence and authenticity. Keep a copy of all your pitches for future reference, and you will soon have an informal history of your "career self."
You can also use these helpful suggestions from the job search site Indeed, which include a variety of examples of different kinds of pitches.
Personal Example
Since I never ask my readers to do anything I wouldn’t do myself, I created a simple elevator pitch and used it at a recent writers’ workshop when we introduced ourselves.
Because I had my elevator pitch handy, I didn’t freeze up with fear, as I am prone to do, at having to take center stage for a few minutes. I simply said: “Hi, I’m a retired counselor, now a freelance writer who writes about counseling topics. Among other things, I’m a blogger for psychologytoday.com. My special interests are health, happiness, and habits.” This message revealed just enough for the situation at hand. And even though my message was not "pitch perfect," I did feel more confident both during and after this presentation.
When I was younger, I would have resented summarizing myself (What? Summarize the nuanced, complex me?!) in just a few words. But now that I am older, I see the value of having a fast way to explain who I am. It’s surprising how often an elevator pitch comes in handy—at parties, meeting new people, work situations, medical offices, or any time that you need to rapidly explain who you are.
An elevator message is your chance to define yourself and broadcast that information to others. Your self-created pitch gives you a better chance of being seen in the way you want to be seen. Your message could be serious or humorous, down-to-earth or creative, and could be delivered forcefully or lightly, depending on the occasion and your goals.
Your Elevator Pitch for Yourself
Research indicates that as much as 50 percent of confidence is genetic. But studies like the one above illustrate that certain aspects of confidence can be taught and practiced. (Non-traditional ways to feel confident are also important, as I write here.) Just learning one specific skill, the elevator pitch, did increase self-confidence in college students in job-hunting situations. It’s reassuring to know that deliberate practice works to increase self-confidence, just as it does to perfect any skill.
As a self-awareness activity, you can write an elevator pitch without ever sharing it with anyone else. Your pitch can highlight what you view as most important about you at this moment in time. Like the job-oriented pitch, your pitch is a snapshot of who you are right now. Of course, in a few days, months, or years, your elevator pitch could be out of date. But that’s fine. Developing a new pitch will help you focus on how you are changing.
Even if you never give your elevator pitch to anyone but yourself, you will learn a little more about who you are. This knowledge is not of trivial importance. In fact, according to leadership expert Tasha Eurich, “Self-awareness is the foundational leadership skill of the twenty-first century. Leaders who know who they are, and how they’re seen by others, are more effective, confident, respected, and promotable.” (In a fascinating article here, Eurich describes four types of self-awareness and how they do or don’t contribute to effective leadership.)
Extend It
The traditional elevator pitch focuses on the “work you.” But you could use this idea for other aspects of your life. For example, if you are looking for a romantic partner, you could write an elevator message that describes who you are, what you want out of life, and what you need from a partner. Or, you could write an elevator message about your most important values or how you like to spend your leisure time. The critical goals are to know yourself better and to be able to express who you are to others.
So if you want to cultivate more self-confidence, create an elevator pitch. You may find that you can even impress yourself!
Beware the narcissist!
From PsychologyToday.com:
All You Need to Know About Narcissists and Their Partners
By: Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Understand narcissism, its symptoms, and its causes.
Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water and died hungering for its response. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others.
It’s a common misconception that narcissists love themselves. They actually dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit–usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others. They’re too afraid to look at themselves, because they believe that the truth would be devastating.
Actually, they don’t have much of a "self" at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside and they hunger to be filled and validated by others. Sadly, they’re unable to appreciate the love they do get and alienate those who give it.
Diagnosis
All personality traits, including narcissism, range from mild to severe. Narcissism can be viewed on a continuum from mature to archaic. Mature individuals are able to idealize romantic partners, express their talents and skills, and accomplish their goals while employing only neurotic defenses; a middle group has unstable boundaries and employ borderline defenses, and those highly sensitive to wounding employ destructive, psychotic defenses and have unstable relationships (Solomon, 1989).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), first categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association in 1987, occurs in 1 to 6.2 percent of the population; males exceed females at a ratio of 3:2 (Dhawan, 2010; McClean, 2007). Although nonprofessionals often label people with NPD who show a few narcissistic traits, clinical NPD ranges in severity from those with only the minimum required five diagnostic traits to narcissists who strongly manifest all nine symptoms. Here’s a summary of the Diagnostic Criteria in the DSM-5:
Someone with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (sometimes only in fantasy), need for admiration from others, and lack of empathy, beginning in childhood, as indicated by five of these characteristics:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents
Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
Requires excessive admiration
Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
Has arrogant behaviors or attitudes
In addition to the grandiose “Exhibitionist Narcissist” described above, James Masterson identifies a "Covert" or “Closet Narcissist,” which is someone with a deflated, inadequate self-perception, a sense of depression and inner emptiness. He or she may appear shy, humble or anxious, because his or her emotional investment is in the idealized other, which is indirectly gratifying (Masterson, 2004). “Malignant” narcissists are the most pernicious and hostile and they enact anti-social behavior. They can be cruel and vindictive when they feel threatened or don’t get what they want.
Early Beginnings
It’s hard to empathize with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested due to faulty, early parenting, usually by a mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. Some believe the cause lies in extreme closeness with an indulgent mother, while others attribute it to parental harshness or criticalness. This latter position stems from Otto Kernberg’s emphasis on parental anger, envy, and hate, or indifference that expresses veiled aggression (Ellis, 2009; Russell, 1985).
The two views converge on the underlying psychodynamics. An idealizing, indulgent mother may be unable to experience her child as a separate individual and provide sufficient empathy, mirroring, or opportunity for idealization. Although leniency can result in healthy narcissism, when psychological control is added, like guilt induction and withdrawal of love, a solid self doesn’t develop, because the child’s focus is to gain external approval. Rather than receiving support for an emerging autonomous self, the child learns that love and involvement is conditioned on conforming to parental needs and expectations (Horton, Bleau, & Drwecki, 2006).
Heinz Kohut observed this in his narcissistic clients who suffered from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning. Beneath a narcissistic façade, they lacked sufficient internal structures to maintain cohesiveness, stability, and a positive self-image to provide a stable identity (Russell, 1985). He believed the cause lay in the empathic failure between the caregiver and child.
He differed from Otto Kernberg, who thought the pathology began during the oral stage, claiming that it could even begin in latency. Narcissists are uncertain of the boundaries between themselves and others and vacillate between dissociated states of self-inflation and inferiority. The self divided by shame is made up of the superior-acting, grandiose self and the inferior, devalued self. When the devalued self is in the inferior position, shame manifests by idealizing others. When the individual is in a superior position, defending against shame, the grandiose self aligns with the inner critic and devalues others through projection. Both devaluation and idealization are commensurate with the severity of shame and the associated depression (Lancer, 2014).
Although most people fluctuate in these positions, the Exhibitionistic and Closet Narcissists are more or less static in their respective superior and inferior positions, irrespective of reality, making them pathological. Arrogance, denial, projection, envy, and rage are among the defenses to shame (Lancer, 2014).
Although more research is required, twin studies revealed a 64-percent correlation of narcissistic behaviors, suggesting a genetic component (Livesley, Jang, Jackson, & Vernon, 1993).
Relationships with Narcissists
It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in others. Enlivened by their energy, people gravitate towards them and are proud to bask in their glow.
The Narcissist
At home, narcissists are totally different than their public persona. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. After an initial romance, they expect appreciation of their specialness and specific responses through demands and criticism in order to manage their internal environment and protect against their high sensitivity to humiliation and shame. Relationships revolve around them, and they experience their mates as extensions of themselves.
Many narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing others do is right or appreciated. Their partners are expected to meet their endless needs when needed–for admiration, service, love, or purchases–and are dismissed when not. That their spouse is ill or in pain is inconsequential.
Narcissists don’t like to hear “no” and often expect others to know their needs without having to ask. They manipulate to get their way and punish or make partners feel guilty for turning them down. Trying to please the narcissist is thankless, like trying to fill a bottomless pit.
They can make their partners experience what it was like having had a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive. The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation.
The Narcissist’s Partner
Although their partners feel loved when the narcissist bestows caring words and gestures, is madly possessive, or buys expensive gifts, they doubt his or her sincerity and question whether it’s really manipulation, pretense, or a manufactured “as if” personality. They feel tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, false accusations, criticism, and unjustified indignation about small or imaginary slights. Their criticisms can escalate to narcissistic abuse.
These partners also lack boundaries and absorb whatever is said about them as truth. In vain attempts to win approval and stay connected, they sacrifice their needs and tread on eggshells, fearful of displeasing the narcissist. They daily risk blame and punishment, love being withheld, or a rupture in the relationship. They worry what their spouses will think or do, and become as pre-occupied with the narcissist as they are with themselves. Partners have to fit in to the narcissists’ cold world and get used to living with emotional abandonment.
Soon, they begin to doubt themselves and lose confidence and self-worth. Communicating their disappointment gets twisted and is met with defensive blame or further put-downs. The narcissist can dish it, but not take it. Nevertheless, they stay, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted them return, especially when the narcissist feels threatened that a break-up is imminent. When two narcissists get together, they fight over whose needs come first, blame, and push each other away, yet they are miserable and need each other.
Codependency
Despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. They share codependent core symptoms of denial, control, shame, dependency (unconscious), and dysfunctional communication and boundaries, all leading to intimacy problems. One study showed a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency (Irwin, 1995). Although more aggressive than passive, in my opinion, they are codependent.
Accommodating codependents and narcissists can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, because the latter’s attributes and aura of success boost the former's low self-esteem, which allows accommodators to tolerate emotional abuse. Typically, accommodators aren’t authoritative and prefer a nonassertive, subordinate role, because their own power and often anger are repressed, frightening, and shame-bound. They seek and hunger for missing parts of themselves and idealize new partners’ qualities, which they hope to absorb. This is why two accommodators rarely get together. They’re in awe of narcissists’ self-direction and “strength,” and live vicariously in the reflection of their success, power, protection, and charisma, while unaware of narcissists’ fragile personas and hidden shame (Lancer, 2014).
Accommodators attach to narcissists who appear bold and express their needs and anger, yet themselves feel needless and suffer guilt when they assert themselves. Caretaking and pleasing make codependents feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are–only for what they give or do (Lancer, 2014). Narcissists are also drawn to their opposite to support their pride and fill their emptiness–partners who are emotionally expressive and nurturing, qualities they lack. They need partners they can control who won’t challenge them and make them feel weak (Lancer, 2014).
Often in these relationships, narcissists are the distancers when more than sex is anticipated. Getting emotionally close means giving up power and control. The thought of being dependent is abhorrent. It not only limits their options and makes them feel weak, but also exposes them to rejection and feelings of shame, which they keep from consciousness at all costs. (Lancer, 2014) Their anxious partners pursue them, unconsciously replaying emotional abandonment from their past. Underneath they both feel unlovable.
All You Need to Know About Narcissists and Their Partners
By: Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Understand narcissism, its symptoms, and its causes.
Poor Narcissus. The gods sentenced him to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water and died hungering for its response. Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others.
It’s a common misconception that narcissists love themselves. They actually dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit–usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others. They’re too afraid to look at themselves, because they believe that the truth would be devastating.
Actually, they don’t have much of a "self" at all. Emotionally, they’re dead inside and they hunger to be filled and validated by others. Sadly, they’re unable to appreciate the love they do get and alienate those who give it.
Diagnosis
All personality traits, including narcissism, range from mild to severe. Narcissism can be viewed on a continuum from mature to archaic. Mature individuals are able to idealize romantic partners, express their talents and skills, and accomplish their goals while employing only neurotic defenses; a middle group has unstable boundaries and employ borderline defenses, and those highly sensitive to wounding employ destructive, psychotic defenses and have unstable relationships (Solomon, 1989).
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), first categorized as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association in 1987, occurs in 1 to 6.2 percent of the population; males exceed females at a ratio of 3:2 (Dhawan, 2010; McClean, 2007). Although nonprofessionals often label people with NPD who show a few narcissistic traits, clinical NPD ranges in severity from those with only the minimum required five diagnostic traits to narcissists who strongly manifest all nine symptoms. Here’s a summary of the Diagnostic Criteria in the DSM-5:
Someone with a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (sometimes only in fantasy), need for admiration from others, and lack of empathy, beginning in childhood, as indicated by five of these characteristics:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents
Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
Requires excessive admiration
Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes
Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends
Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others
Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her
Has arrogant behaviors or attitudes
In addition to the grandiose “Exhibitionist Narcissist” described above, James Masterson identifies a "Covert" or “Closet Narcissist,” which is someone with a deflated, inadequate self-perception, a sense of depression and inner emptiness. He or she may appear shy, humble or anxious, because his or her emotional investment is in the idealized other, which is indirectly gratifying (Masterson, 2004). “Malignant” narcissists are the most pernicious and hostile and they enact anti-social behavior. They can be cruel and vindictive when they feel threatened or don’t get what they want.
Early Beginnings
It’s hard to empathize with narcissists, but they didn’t choose to be that way. Their natural development was arrested due to faulty, early parenting, usually by a mother who didn’t provide sufficient nurturing and opportunity for idealization. Some believe the cause lies in extreme closeness with an indulgent mother, while others attribute it to parental harshness or criticalness. This latter position stems from Otto Kernberg’s emphasis on parental anger, envy, and hate, or indifference that expresses veiled aggression (Ellis, 2009; Russell, 1985).
The two views converge on the underlying psychodynamics. An idealizing, indulgent mother may be unable to experience her child as a separate individual and provide sufficient empathy, mirroring, or opportunity for idealization. Although leniency can result in healthy narcissism, when psychological control is added, like guilt induction and withdrawal of love, a solid self doesn’t develop, because the child’s focus is to gain external approval. Rather than receiving support for an emerging autonomous self, the child learns that love and involvement is conditioned on conforming to parental needs and expectations (Horton, Bleau, & Drwecki, 2006).
Heinz Kohut observed this in his narcissistic clients who suffered from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning. Beneath a narcissistic façade, they lacked sufficient internal structures to maintain cohesiveness, stability, and a positive self-image to provide a stable identity (Russell, 1985). He believed the cause lay in the empathic failure between the caregiver and child.
He differed from Otto Kernberg, who thought the pathology began during the oral stage, claiming that it could even begin in latency. Narcissists are uncertain of the boundaries between themselves and others and vacillate between dissociated states of self-inflation and inferiority. The self divided by shame is made up of the superior-acting, grandiose self and the inferior, devalued self. When the devalued self is in the inferior position, shame manifests by idealizing others. When the individual is in a superior position, defending against shame, the grandiose self aligns with the inner critic and devalues others through projection. Both devaluation and idealization are commensurate with the severity of shame and the associated depression (Lancer, 2014).
Although most people fluctuate in these positions, the Exhibitionistic and Closet Narcissists are more or less static in their respective superior and inferior positions, irrespective of reality, making them pathological. Arrogance, denial, projection, envy, and rage are among the defenses to shame (Lancer, 2014).
Although more research is required, twin studies revealed a 64-percent correlation of narcissistic behaviors, suggesting a genetic component (Livesley, Jang, Jackson, & Vernon, 1993).
Relationships with Narcissists
It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in others. Enlivened by their energy, people gravitate towards them and are proud to bask in their glow.
The Narcissist
At home, narcissists are totally different than their public persona. They may privately denigrate the person they were just entertaining. After an initial romance, they expect appreciation of their specialness and specific responses through demands and criticism in order to manage their internal environment and protect against their high sensitivity to humiliation and shame. Relationships revolve around them, and they experience their mates as extensions of themselves.
Many narcissists are perfectionists. Nothing others do is right or appreciated. Their partners are expected to meet their endless needs when needed–for admiration, service, love, or purchases–and are dismissed when not. That their spouse is ill or in pain is inconsequential.
Narcissists don’t like to hear “no” and often expect others to know their needs without having to ask. They manipulate to get their way and punish or make partners feel guilty for turning them down. Trying to please the narcissist is thankless, like trying to fill a bottomless pit.
They can make their partners experience what it was like having had a cold, invasive, or unavailable narcissistic parent. Anne Rice’s vampire Lestat had such an emotionally empty mother, who devotedly bonded with him to survive. The deprivation of real nurturing and lack of boundaries make narcissists dependent on others to feed their insatiable need for validation.
The Narcissist’s Partner
Although their partners feel loved when the narcissist bestows caring words and gestures, is madly possessive, or buys expensive gifts, they doubt his or her sincerity and question whether it’s really manipulation, pretense, or a manufactured “as if” personality. They feel tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, false accusations, criticism, and unjustified indignation about small or imaginary slights. Their criticisms can escalate to narcissistic abuse.
These partners also lack boundaries and absorb whatever is said about them as truth. In vain attempts to win approval and stay connected, they sacrifice their needs and tread on eggshells, fearful of displeasing the narcissist. They daily risk blame and punishment, love being withheld, or a rupture in the relationship. They worry what their spouses will think or do, and become as pre-occupied with the narcissist as they are with themselves. Partners have to fit in to the narcissists’ cold world and get used to living with emotional abandonment.
Soon, they begin to doubt themselves and lose confidence and self-worth. Communicating their disappointment gets twisted and is met with defensive blame or further put-downs. The narcissist can dish it, but not take it. Nevertheless, they stay, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted them return, especially when the narcissist feels threatened that a break-up is imminent. When two narcissists get together, they fight over whose needs come first, blame, and push each other away, yet they are miserable and need each other.
Codependency
Despite having a seemingly strong personality, narcissists lack a core self. Their self-image and thinking and behavior are other-oriented in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile, fragmented self. They share codependent core symptoms of denial, control, shame, dependency (unconscious), and dysfunctional communication and boundaries, all leading to intimacy problems. One study showed a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency (Irwin, 1995). Although more aggressive than passive, in my opinion, they are codependent.
Accommodating codependents and narcissists can be a perfect fit, albeit painful, because the latter’s attributes and aura of success boost the former's low self-esteem, which allows accommodators to tolerate emotional abuse. Typically, accommodators aren’t authoritative and prefer a nonassertive, subordinate role, because their own power and often anger are repressed, frightening, and shame-bound. They seek and hunger for missing parts of themselves and idealize new partners’ qualities, which they hope to absorb. This is why two accommodators rarely get together. They’re in awe of narcissists’ self-direction and “strength,” and live vicariously in the reflection of their success, power, protection, and charisma, while unaware of narcissists’ fragile personas and hidden shame (Lancer, 2014).
Accommodators attach to narcissists who appear bold and express their needs and anger, yet themselves feel needless and suffer guilt when they assert themselves. Caretaking and pleasing make codependents feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are–only for what they give or do (Lancer, 2014). Narcissists are also drawn to their opposite to support their pride and fill their emptiness–partners who are emotionally expressive and nurturing, qualities they lack. They need partners they can control who won’t challenge them and make them feel weak (Lancer, 2014).
Often in these relationships, narcissists are the distancers when more than sex is anticipated. Getting emotionally close means giving up power and control. The thought of being dependent is abhorrent. It not only limits their options and makes them feel weak, but also exposes them to rejection and feelings of shame, which they keep from consciousness at all costs. (Lancer, 2014) Their anxious partners pursue them, unconsciously replaying emotional abandonment from their past. Underneath they both feel unlovable.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)