A week in review

I need to remember to start posting these every Sunday. The last time I posted one, I stated I would start and this is only my second one...
This week was weird. It contained a person from my past and several current aggravations. I didn't get much sleep at all, starting at the very beginning and extending to the end. It didn't help that I got up at 3:30am on Thursday morning to finish a school assignment. Incidentally I have another one due this Thursday which I haven't finished yet either. I hope this process goes more smoothly than last week's.
This weekend I didn't feel very good which was extremely unfortunate for me because I did have several tasks I should have worked on. Now I am behind or at least feel as if I am behind. I really wanted to get some work done for my job but I never so much as glanced at the software program. I did manage to call into a meeting on Thursday night which was very helpful. The Thursday night theme is healthy relationships so I always get something valuable from that. Well, I am signing off for now. Here's to another week in the books; on to April!

Codependency

From mentalhealthamerica.net:

Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.

What is a Dysfunctional Family and How Does it Lead to Co-dependency?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.

The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

How Do Co-dependent People Behave?

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue

A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time

A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts

An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment

An extreme need for approval and recognition

A sense of guilt when asserting themselves

A compelling need to control others

Lack of trust in self and/or others

Fear of being abandoned or alone

Difficulty identifying feelings

Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change

Problems with intimacy/boundaries

Chronic anger

Lying/dishonesty

Poor communications

Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?

3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?

4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?

5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?

6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?

7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?

8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?

9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?

10. Have you ever felt inadequate?

11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?

13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?

14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?

15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?

16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?

17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?

18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?

19. Do you have trouble asking for help?

20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

When Co-dependency Hits Home

The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is to understand it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

More procrastination

From nytimes.com:

Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing to Do With Self-Control)
If procrastination isn’t about laziness, then what is it about?

By: Charlotte Lieberman

If you’ve ever put off an important task by, say, alphabetizing your spice drawer, you know it wouldn’t be fair to describe yourself as lazy.
After all, alphabetizing requires focus and effort — and hey, maybe you even went the extra mile to wipe down each bottle before putting it back. And it’s not like you’re hanging out with friends or watching Netflix. You’re cleaning — something your parents would be proud of! This isn’t laziness or bad time management. This is procrastination.

If procrastination isn’t about laziness, then what is it about?

Etymologically, “procrastination” is derived from the Latin verb procrastinare— to put off until tomorrow. But it’s more than just voluntarily delaying. Procrastination is also derived from the ancient Greek word akrasia — doing something against our better judgment.
“It’s self-harm,” said Dr. Piers Steel, a professor of motivational psychology at the University of Calgary and the author of “The Procrastination Equation: How to Stop Putting Things Off and Start Getting Stuff Done.”

That self-awareness is a key part of why procrastinating makes us feel so rotten. When we procrastinate, we’re not only aware that we’re avoiding the task in question, but also that doing so is probably a bad idea. And yet, we do it anyway.
“This is why we say that procrastination is essentially irrational,” said Dr. Fuschia Sirois, professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield. “It doesn’t make sense to do something you know is going to have negative consequences.”
She added: “People engage in this irrational cycle of chronic procrastination because of an inability to manage negative moods around a task.”

Wait. We procrastinate because of bad moods?

In short: yes.
Procrastination isn’t a unique character flaw or a mysterious curse on your ability to manage time, but a way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond.

“Procrastination is an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem,” said Dr. Tim Pychyl, professor of psychology and member of the Procrastination Research Group at Carleton University in Ottawa.

In a 2013 study, Dr. Pychyl and Dr. Sirois found that procrastination can be understood as “the primacy of short-term mood repair … over the longer-term pursuit of intended actions.” Put simply, procrastination is about being more focused on “the immediate urgency of managing negative moods” than getting on with the task, Dr. Sirois said.

The particular nature of our aversion depends on the given task or situation. It may be due to something inherently unpleasant about the task itself — having to clean a dirty bathroom or organizing a long, boring spreadsheet for your boss. But it might also result from deeper feelings related to the task, such as self-doubt, low self-esteem, anxiety or insecurity. Staring at a blank document, you might be thinking, I’m not smart enough to write this. Even if I am, what will people think of it? Writing is so hard. What if I do a bad job?

All of this can lead us to think that putting the document aside and cleaning that spice drawer instead is a pretty good idea.
But, of course, this only compounds the negative associations we have with the task, and those feelings will still be there whenever we come back to it, along with increased stress and anxiety, feelings of low self-esteem and self-blame.
In fact, there’s an entire body of research dedicated to the ruminative, self-blaming thoughts many of us tend to have in the wake of procrastination, which are known as “procrastinatory cognitions.” The thoughts we have about procrastination typically exacerbate our distress and stress, which contribute to further procrastination, Dr. Sirois said.

But the momentary relief we feel when procrastinating is actually what makes the cycle especially vicious. In the immediate present, putting off a task provides relief — “you’ve been rewarded for procrastinating,” Dr. Sirois said. And we know from basic behaviorism that when we’re rewarded for something, we tend to do it again. This is precisely why procrastination tends not to be a one-off behavior, but a cycle, one that easily becomes a chronic habit.
Over time, chronic procrastination has not only productivity costs, but measurably destructive effects on our mental and physical health, including chronic stress, general psychological distress and low life satisfaction, symptoms of depression and anxiety, poor health behaviors, chronic illness and even hypertension and cardiovascular disease.

But I thought we procrastinate to feel better?

If it seems ironic that we procrastinate to avoid negative feelings, but end up feeling even worse, that’s because it is. And once again, we have evolution to thank.
Procrastination is a perfect example of present bias, our hard-wired tendency to prioritize short-term needs ahead of long-term ones.

“We really weren’t designed to think ahead into the further future because we needed to focus on providing for ourselves in the here and now,” said psychologist Dr. Hal Hershfield, a professor of marketing at the U.C.L.A. Anderson School of Management.
Dr. Hershfield’s research has shown that, on a neural level, we perceive our “future selves” more like strangers than as parts of ourselves. When we procrastinate, parts of our brains actually think that the tasks we’re putting off — and the accompanying negative feelings that await us on the other side — are somebody else’s problem.
To make things worse, we’re even less able to make thoughtful, future-oriented decisions in the midst of stress. When faced with a task that makes us feel anxious or insecure, the amygdala — the “threat detector” part of the brain — perceives that task as a genuine threat, in this case to our self-esteem or well-being. Even if we intellectually recognize that putting off the task will create more stress for ourselves in the future, our brains are still wired to be more concerned with removing the threat in the present. Researchers call this “amygdala hijack.”

Unfortunately, we can’t just tell ourselves to stop procrastinating. And despite the prevalence of “productivity hacks,” focusing on the question of how to get more work done doesn’t address the root cause of procrastination.

O.K. How do we get to the root cause of procrastination?

We must realize that, at its core, procrastination is about emotions, not productivity. The solution doesn’t involve downloading a time management app or learning new strategies for self-control. It has to do with managing our emotions in a new way.
“Our brains are always looking for relative rewards. If we have a habit loop around procrastination but we haven’t found a better reward, our brain is just going to keep doing it over and over until we give it something better to do,” said psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Judson Brewer, Director of Research and Innovation at Brown University’s Mindfulness Center.
To rewire any habit, we have to give our brains what Dr. Brewer called the “Bigger Better Offer” or “B.B.O.”

In the case of procrastination, we have to find a better reward than avoidance — one that can relieve our challenging feelings in the present moment without causing harm to our future selves. The difficulty with breaking the addiction to procrastination in particular is that there is an infinite number of potential substitute actions that would still be forms of procrastination, Dr. Brewer said. That’s why the solution must therefore be internal, and not dependent on anything but ourselves.
One option is to forgive yourself in the moments you procrastinate. In a 2010 study, researchers found that students who were able to forgive themselves for procrastinating when studying for a first exam ended up procrastinating less when studying for their next exam. They concluded that self-forgiveness supported productivity by allowing “the individual to move past their maladaptive behavior and focus on the upcoming examination without the burden of past acts.”

Another tactic is the related practice of self-compassion, which is treating ourselves with kindness and understanding in the face of our mistakes and failures. In a 2012 study examining the relationship between stress, self-compassion and procrastination, Dr. Sirois found that procrastinators tend to have high stress and low self-compassion, suggesting that self-compassion provides “a buffer against negative reactions to self-relevant events.”
In fact, several studies show that self-compassion supports motivation and personal growth. Not only does it decrease psychological distress, which we now know is a primary culprit for procrastination, it also actively boosts motivation, enhances feelings of self-worth and fosters positive emotions like optimism, wisdom, curiosity and personal initiative. Best of all, self-compassion doesn’t require anything external — just a commitment to meeting your challenges with greater acceptance and kindness rather than rumination and regret.

That may be easier said than done, but try to reframe the task by considering a positive aspect of it. Perhaps you remind yourself of a time you did something similar and it turned out O.K. Or maybe you think about the beneficial outcome of completing the task. What might your boss or partner say when you show them your finished work? How will you feel about yourself?

What are some other, healthier ways to manage the feelings that typically trigger procrastination?

Cultivate curiosity: If you’re feeling tempted to procrastinate, bring your attention to the sensations arising in your mind and body. What feelings are eliciting your temptation? Where do you feel them in your body? What do they remind you of? What happens to the thought of procrastinating as you observe it? Does it intensify? Dissipate? Cause other emotions to arise? How are the sensations in your body shifting as you continue to rest your awareness on them?
Consider the next action: This is different than the age-old advice to break up a task you’re tempted to avoid into bite-sized chunks. According to Dr. Pychyl, focusing only on the “next action” helps calm our nerves, and it allows for what Dr. Pychyl called “a layer of self-deception.” At the start of a given task, you can consider the next action as a mere possibility, as if you were method acting: “What’s the next action I’d take on this if I were going to do it, even though I’m not?” Maybe you would open your email. Or perhaps you would put the date at the top of your document. Don’t wait to be in the mood to do a certain task. “Motivation follows action. Get started, and you’ll find your motivation follows,” Dr. Pychyl said.
Make your temptations more inconvenient: It’s still easier to change our circumstances than ourselves, said Gretchen Rubin, author of “Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits.” According to Ms. Rubin, we can take what we know about procrastination and “use it to our advantage” by placing obstacles between ourselves and our temptations to induce a certain degree of frustration or anxiety. If you compulsively check social media, delete those apps from your phone or “give yourself a really complicated password with not just five digits, but 12,” Ms. Rubin said. By doing this, you’re adding friction to the procrastination cycle and making the reward value of your temptation less immediate.

On the other side of the coin, Ms. Rubin also suggested that we make the things we want to do as easy as possible for ourselves. If you want to go to the gym before work but you’re not a morning person, sleep in your exercise clothes. “Try to remove every, every, every roadblock,” Ms. Rubin said.

Still, procrastination is deeply existential, as it raises questions about individual agency and how we want to spend our time as opposed to how we actually do. But it’s also a reminder of our commonality — we’re all vulnerable to painful feelings, and most of us just want to be happy with the choices we make.
Now go finish up alphabetizing that spice drawer before it becomes your next procrastination albatross.

Follow up

I wanted to follow up last night's post that mentioned procrastination with an article published earlier today about this very topic. What a divine intervention! From forbes.com:

How To Defeat Procrastination With The Psychology Of Emotional Intelligence
By: Christopher Rim

This week, this New York Times article sparked a conversation about procrastination by claiming that “at its core, procrastination is about emotions, not productivity.” As someone who’s studied the psychology of emotions and emotional intelligence, this rung true to me, and I think it’s why I personally don’t particularly struggle with procrastination. I’ve used the psychology of emotion regulation and emotional intelligence to defeat procrastination—here’s how:

Step 1 — Stay Aware / RULE Your Emotions
If procrastination is spurred on by a knee-jerk reaction to a negative emotion, the first intervention has to be noticing and properly expressing those negative emotions. This is one of the reasons that mindfulness has been recognized as so important for success. At the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, we used the RULER method, which involves recognizing that you’re experiencing a feeling, understanding why, labeling it accurately, and expressing it appropriately. An example of this in the context of procrastination would look something like this:
Recognize: “I’m trying to work on this assignment, but my stomach hurts.”
Understand: “I’ve eaten recently and I’m not ill—I’m probably feeling unwell because this is a high-stakes assignment.”

Label: “I guess that means I’m feeling anxious.”
Express: “I’m going to stand up and ‘shake it out.’”
Step 2 — Plan Ahead / REGULATE Your Emotions

The final step of the RULER method is the final ‘R’ — regulation. The New York Times article called procrastination “an emotion regulation problem, not a time management problem.” Emotion regulation is about strategy, about figuring out what triggers your emotions and how can you avoid or amplify or change those triggers. Once you’ve mastered Step 1 and are aware of the negative emotions that can trigger procrastination, emotional regulation can help you rewire your brain to stop those negative feelings in their tracks, and find more effective sources of positive emotions than procrastinating for temporary relief. I’ve broken down how I got there into these four ideas:

Get Addicted To Getting Things DONE
This is the most crucial part of my process. We procrastinate because, in that moment, it feels better than confronting what needs to be done (and the negative emotions associated with it). Most of us know that we’ll feel better once we’re done with the thing, but it’s doing it or getting started that is unpleasant. But what if you trained your brain to enjoy confronting that task more than procrastinating on it?  I got obsessed with crossing things off the list—in college, I used to write things down on my to-do list even after I’d completed them, just to be able to cross them off. By now, I’ve gotten to a point where I enjoy getting something over with more than I would enjoy avoiding it. I got there in part by following this next mantra:

Touch It Once
Newton’s first law of motion states that objects in motion tend to stay in motion (and objects at rest tend to stay at rest). When you look at an incoming text or email or other message, you’re in motion. You’ve already committed brain space to thinking about the message and considering how to handle it. If you pause at this stage and pick the message back up again later, you lose that inertia.
As soon as I get a text message or email (or idea), I handle it. Of course, this wouldn’t work if I checked my phone at times when I didn’t have time to respond, so this method means being more careful about when I check my emails or phone. The way I handle these ideas and messages breaks down into a few categories: Do It, Say No, Delegate, Schedule It, and Ask for Input.

A big part of what makes this system work for me is that I don’t have a problem saying no, or delegating, or doing things imperfectly. If these aren’t easy for you, you’ll quickly get overwhelmed by handling things using the ‘touch it once’ method. as soon as they come to your attention. Here are the two mindsets you’ll need to break out of before this will work for you:

Defeat Workaholicism
An obsession with getting things done is absolutely different from an obsession with work. In fact, many times, these two impulses are working in direct opposition to one another. In Rework, the founders of Basecamp talk about how workaholics “don’t look for ways to be more efficient because they actually like working overtime.” The part of you that loves to work doesn’t want to think creatively or find workarounds or handle things as they come in. One way I avoid this is by setting a time limit for myself (or whoever I’m delegating to) — “this should only take five minutes/half an hour/two hours.” If it takes significantly longer, it’s time to change the approach or reevaluate the task/project. The sunk-cost fallacy can be especially dangerous when it comes to time.

Defeat Perfectionism (Done Is Better Than Perfect)
As someone who helps high-achieving high school students apply to college, I help people struggling with perfectionism all the time. The most concrete example is when students try to write their college essay. In a lot of ways, the college essay seems designed to spark procrastination. It’s completely self-directed, students have months to finish it, and it can be about anything, meaning many students wait to write it, hoping that inspiration will strike. However, the students that end up with the best results don’t overthink it. They sit down and write something, ask for feedback, revise it, and call it done. The entire process takes a few days, not months. They then move on to writing supplemental essays for colleges, and sometimes, in writing those essays, or even just in going through their senior fall with their essay ‘out of the way,’ they stumble on another idea and write another main college essay that’s better than their first attempt—and better than if they’d let that first attempt drag on for months. Having something done is a crucial part of this process because it defeats the instinct to procrastinate. An essay you write thinking, “Eh, I already have my college essay sorted, but let me try this and see if I like it better” is going to sound far more natural and take more risks than an essay you write thinking, “Oh man, I really need to stop putting this off.”

Perfectionism is procrastination’s Instagram persona. It may look like perfection, but it’s actually underperformance. The more perfection you strive for, the less you’ll accomplish. The “done is better than perfect” mindset is the key to success. It’s why I’m comfortable with delegation and doing things as soon as they come across my desk instead of waiting until I have enough bandwidth to achieve perfection. If you wait until you’re perfect before you start, not only will you miss out on opportunities, but you’ll end up with a worse result than if you had just thrown yourself into it and gotten some practice and experience.

Attachment styles and healthy relationships

I am going to post another great article because 1. It is a great article and 2. I have an assignment due tomorrow night (ironically a research project in which I am focusing on love addiction) and I have quite a bit of work left to do and not much time in which to do it. From Women'sHealthMagazine.com:



Why You Need To Know Your Attachment Style For A Healthy Relationship
By: Valeria Nekhim Lease


If your dating life hasn't gone exactly how you imagined over the years, don't blame yourself—at least, not entirely. Your attachment style plays a key role in determining the health of your relationships, and well... some are healthier than others.

Of course, if you've never heard of the concept of attachment styles, you might be surprised to learn what yours is—and that it's the real reason you keep texting that guy who's definitely curving you.

And while you might've gotten this far living in ignorant bliss, understanding your attachment style can improve your existing relationships (including non-romantic ones) or ward off future heartbreak by helping you identify and subsequently change negative behaviors.

First things first: What is attachment theory?
In the 1960s, psychiatrist John Bowlby formulated attachment theory after studying how infants reacted when separated from their primary caregiver (usually their mothers). He then classified their behavior by assigning it an attachment style, meaning a pattern in the way a person relates to others.

From his research, Bowlby highlighted the significance of the parent-child dynamic and determined three predominant attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—that went on to impact adult relationships. Here's what you need to know about each attachment style:

1. Secure Attachment

In childhood: A child who grows up having a secure attachment with their parent/caregiver generally feels content, safe, and explorative.

In adult relationships: If you have a secure attachment style, you tend to be more satisfied in your relationships because you feel connected to your partner, while still enjoying the freedom to pursue your own interests and friendships. A securely attached person isn’t jealous or possessive because they have confidence in themselves and in their relationship, so they don't feel the need to constantly check in on their significant other. When two secure people get together, that's basically a match made in attachment style heaven, according to Dr. Schacter, because striking a balance between intimacy and independence is vital in a healthy relationship.

2. Anxious Attachment

In childhood: This attachment style is synonymous with a child who’s emotionally distant and reluctant to discover his or her surroundings. Their caregiver is disengaged and often fails to provide them with the attention they require. Consequently, the child subconsciously believes they will be let down by their caregiver.

In adult relationships: Anxiously attached adults are emotionally starved and desperate for an unrealistic type of closeness. If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely expect your partner to "complete" you. Your desire to feel secure can overwhelm your partner, and they may pull away. Their distant response only confirms your anxiously-attached feelings of insecurity (fun!), so the cycle continues, says Schacter.

Jealousy and possessiveness are typically attributed to anxiously attached people. So, you often feel threatened when your partner spends time with friends or does anything without you. In the worst possible cases, Schacter says physical and/or emotional abuse can arise in such relationships because one person is trying to control the other.

3. Avoidant Attachment

In childhood: A child gets an avoidant attachment style when their caregiver is neglectful and inconsistent. In time, the child loses trust in them and decides to completely detach. Avoidants are highly independent from a young age because experience has taught them the only people they can fully rely on are themselves.

In adult relationships: If you're a person with an avoidant attachment style, you generally don't like it when others depend on you and don't want to depend on others. Your quest for independence can often be construed as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether.

In Schacter's experience, partners of avoidants frequently complain about a lack of intimacy and a close connection. If this sounds like you, you probably have a hard time trusting anyone, which makes it hard for you to open up and relate to others.


Why is it important to identify your attachment style?
Schacter uses the principles of attachment theory with her patients, regardless of whether they’re single or attached. Never been in a romantic relationship? No problem. She suggests looking at your friendships for insight into your attachment style and to use that information to avoid problems later in life.

If you have a secure attachment style, you're probably not worried about how it affects your relationship. But even if you're anxious or avoidant, the good news is that you're not stuck with the attachment style you formed as a child.

"It can change and develop," Schacter explains. "And you can work on it through self-awareness, education, and therapy." In her practice, Schacter relies on the three main attachment styles to work with her clients. Still, she says none are as black or white as they seem because psychology is full of grey areas.


Can you change your attachment style?
When counseling couples, Schacter helps them identify their attachment style(s) so they can improve their communication and respond to one another in a more sensitive manner. For example, when an anxiously attached person is fighting with their partner about unanswered texts, the other person can speak to what’s really going on and say: "I know you might be feeling a little fearful or anxious that I didn’t call you, but I want to remind you that I love you." This addresses the underlying issue, rather than getting lost in irrelevant details.


Plus, your attachment style can change as you get to know your partner better, explains Schacter. "There’s normal developmental stuff in a relationship, and your attachment style can vary depending on your life stage and/or whom you’re with," she says. In a new relationship, for instance, it’s normal to have some anxious attachment initially because you don’t know each other. Ideally, that will change into secure attachment as your relationship becomes more solid.

Even if it's not that simple, what’s ultimately important is knowing that, with the right motivation and support, you can always develop a healthy attachment style.

Addiction recovery is a lifelong process

From abc3340.com:

Experts: Recovery from addiction is possible, but a lifelong process

By: Alexander Derencz
Monday, March 25th 2019

Experts say recovering from addiction is possible, but it is not a quick fix.

Richard Fallin is the Executive Director of Chilton-Shelby Mental Health, a community health center in Calera. One of the items the center works on is substance abuse. Fallin says recovery from substance abuse and addiction is possible, but calls the recovery process a marathon, as opposed to a sprint.

"The recovery process is a lifelong process," Fallin says. "It is not something where you can go to a one-time treatment facility for 90 days and think you are going to come out at the end of it with a cure. The recovery process is something that is going to be with you for the rest of your life. It is going to impact your family. It is going to affect those that are around you. It is going to affect your job. It is going to impact your financial resources."

Fallin says they focus on a two-pronged approach: prevention and treatment. Fallin says prevention is key. If they can stop someone from taking the first step down a wrong path then that is the best case scenario. He also adds that treatment needs to happen in the early stages of recovery.

The financial newspaper, Barrons, recently published an article detailing how addiction is the new threat to retirement. Fallin says that families do go to measures like that to see their loved one get better.

Director of Compact 2020, Clay Hammac, says recovery is possible. However, sobriety has to be the choice of the person dealing with addiction. He says if the person addicted chooses the path of sobriety, then loved ones can walk alongside them in the journey to recovery, but echoes that recovery is not a quick phase.

"There is no one stop shop when it comes to recovery," Capt. Hammac says. "Tragically, we live in a time where we want everything done at ease and convenience,and we want a quick response and a quick answer. That is not the case with recovery. Recovery is going to be a long, drawn out process. It is going to be a costly process, not so much financially but emotionally. I think when families just come down to the realization that this is going to be worth it- this is going to be worth the fight, it is going to be worth the cost, but only if your loved one has committed to a life of sobriety. Otherwise, tragically, those attempts would be futile."

Self-reflection

Have you ever had the experience of changing so much that you barely recognize yourself? This change can either be positive or negative. I had that experience today and it was immensely positive,  powerful, and validating for me.
I happened to run into a past qualifier of mine; one I had an extremely toxic relationship with. I was actually engaged to this man and became pregnant with his child. This relationship was by far the most toxic I have ever had, mainly because this man is a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath/all of the above. Let's put it this way, I have never met anyone so inherently evil in all of my life.
So imagine my delight when I happened to encounter him in the middle of my workday. Of course as soon as he saw me, he had to come over and make small talk which always involves his pathetic attempts at being charming, funny, and impressive.
After our painful interaction, I realized just how much I have changed since my entanglement with him. I have improved almost every single facet of my life which makes me prouder than I ever imagined I would be. Also, this profound change has made me even more aware of what an absolute vile human being he is. I feel blessed everyday that I finally got away from him but no more so than today when I personally witnessed that he is the same creepy and socially awkward person that he ever was. Now the only difference is that he is old therefore his entire shtick is even more cringe worthy. Here's to measurable progress and making enormous positive changes!

The Unknown

From EliteDaily.com:



7 Reasons Why Embracing The Unknown Leads To Success And Happiness
By: Kylie Kennedy



Life. Are we ever aware of what might happen tomorrow? Do we know what will happen one year from now and where our lives will be? How about knowing what could happen in the blink of an eye?


The world we live in is constantly changing; things are always happening. Time is ticking, and we are growing older — and, of course, wiser — every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

We are learning valuable lessons every single day and creating memories from the experiences we’ve been so lucky to have. We need to cherish every moment that speeds by us.

Wouldn’t you agree that even the hardships you’ve been through have taught you a great amount and given you a background you can take to your next learning experience?

The reality is we simply don’t know what life may throw at us.

We can predict the future, but until we get to the bridge — that almighty bridge — we can’t really figure out how to cross it. One of my favorite cliché comments is, “I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”

Yes, we need to be worried about the future, but we also need to plunge into the present and what is happening today. The present is what matters most, right here and right now.

Often, we forget how quickly things can change in the blink of an eye. And, what’s crazy is we likely didn’t even see it coming. Has this ever happened to you?


What it comes down to is that the unknown is inevitable, yet beautiful. Be prepared for the worst, but always have faith in the best.

Both amazing experiences and torturous experiences should be viewed in a positive light so we know what to do the next time a certain situation arises.

We need to be prepared to embrace whatever will happen, whether it’s good or bad, positive or negative, right or wrong. I promise, opening up your heart and being willing to embrace anything and everything imaginable will change your life in unheard of ways.

Here are seven reasons why embracing the unknown will guide you toward a path with flourishing success:

1. IF YOU DIG DEEP INTO THE UNKNOWN, YOU’RE BOUND TO FIND TREASURE.
One word: research. Nowadays, information is at the tip of our fingers, literally.

The Internet of Things (IOT) is flooded with information given to us by simply clicking, tapping, or even touching a button. GIVEN, FOR FREE. Take advantage of the resources given to you.

If you’re curious about something, whatever it may be, research it. Learn about it. Study it. Become familiar with it. Embrace it. Embrace the fact that because of the Internet, life is a little bit easier in a sense.


Go out there and find out what you’ve always been wondering. Asking questions will lead to more questions that will eventually lead to some sort of conclusion.

Sometimes, you may not end up with a solid conclusion, but that right there, my friends, is the beauty of the unknown. You will surprise yourself, without a doubt.

2. IT PREPARES YOU FOR THE WORST, THE BEST AND BEYOND.
Embracing the unknown will prepare you for anything. Think about it.

If you have enough confidence that you can handle any type of situation, whether your spouse just passed away or you just found out you won a million dollars, you will always feel secure and well-balanced.

Look at it this way: Embracing the unknown goes hand in hand with putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.

You have to be open to viewing different perspectives from each and every end of the spectrum. Be aware of how badly a situation could turn out, but as I said before, believe the best will happen.

Embrace the possibilities that can sprout from even the most miserable of times.

3. YOU EVENTUALLY REALIZE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT HAPPENS.
Part of embracing life means accepting a lack of control over what will happen next. If we realize this at an early stage, we will live much happier lives.


Another valid point is that YOU cannot control somebody else. Do you dream about people changing in ways that will make YOU happier?

This is a bit selfish. We were all put on this earth to do different things; we are all unique from each other. Embrace what someone else wants to do with his or her life and support him or her.

No one in this world lacks the potential to do great things in life.

4. BUT, YOU DO HAVE CONTROL OVER YOUR REACTIONS.
We may not have control over other people or what will happen next; however, we do have control of how we choose to react to every situation brought before us.

If this is the only thing over which we have control, embrace it. Make your reactions infectious in a good way. Show people things can transpire when good intentions are present.

Be determined to show people there is good in this world in which we live.

5. IT CREATES HUMBLENESS WITHIN.
Who doesn’t like humble people? When we allow ourselves to embrace the unknown, we also create the ability to be humble.

If we are presented with a tough situation and decide to literally embrace every situation and its consequences, the humble power within us shines.


Strive to be humble. You will appreciate the world in a different way — a very beautiful way.

6. IT MAKES YOU FEARLESS.
If we can learn to embrace the unknown and become equipped for anything and everything to happen, our fears will diminish. Don’t be afraid of the outcome.

Don’t be afraid of what might be. Let go of fear in order to embrace and master the things about which you know nothing. It will change your life.

7. BEING FEARLESS ALLOWS FOR FEAR TO DISAPPEAR.
Fear is the number one factor that stands in our way of turning dreams into realities. We tend to get so caught up in what society tells us to do or what society thinks we should do.

Our job is to think outside the box and to step far outside the norm. Letting go of fear allows us to dive into the unknown of our comfort zones. By stepping outside of our comfort zones, we are able to zoom in on our own realities and focus on our purposes in life.

We discover new things when we embrace the fear of being uncomfortable.

You can define success however you see fit, but just remember that embracing the unknown and making situations positive will gratify you. Most importantly, doing so will enlighten you.

Why do I have a type?

This article was illuminating!!! From Psychologytoday.com:

Why Do People Have a Type?
Why do we keep winding up in the same relationship with the same type of person?

By: Lisa Firestone Ph.D.

There’s a lot of mystery surrounding attraction. When we talk about our “type,” what pops into our head may be certain physical features or positive qualities that seem totally reasonable to desire. Yet there appear to be mysterious forces at play pushing us to choose certain people, and not all of these forces work to our benefit. Most of us have felt a spark with someone we knew wasn’t right for us. We may even notice a pattern of selecting people who are precisely wrong for us. Too often we fail to acknowledge, or even notice, the less favorable qualities that are luring us toward certain choices—subtle characteristics that are drawing us in. Without knowing why, many of us aren’t just attracted to certain people despite their negative traits, but because of them.
To understand why we’re drawn to the people we are, we have to understand a basic law of attraction: We choose people whose defenses fit with ours. If we protect ourselves by being quiet or withdrawn, we may choose partners who are more pursuing and aggressive. If we are insecure or clingy, we may choose partners who are aloof or less available—people we have to chase. If our defense is to try to control everything around us, we may choose a partner who is passive and eager for guidance. In a sense, we fit with these people not because their patterns perfectly complement ours, allowing us to get closer, but because the way our defenses line up actually sustains our individual defenses and serves to keep each of us at a certain, safe distance.
The reason we keep winding up with the same type of person, or stuck in the same dynamic, dates back to our earliest relationships. As young children, we developed defenses to cope with painful or frustrating circumstances. Growing up, we became wedded to our defenses, believing them to be part of our personality. If we formed negative ideas about ourselves—for instance that we’re unlovable or unattractive—we now seek out people whose behavior will support these beliefs.

We choose partners, then, who reinforce familiar attitudes we’ve long had toward ourselves. You may think you were drawn to the aloof and mysterious guy because he seemed deep and interesting, but ultimately, you may have been drawn in by his emotional absence or inability to fully relate to you. You may not be able to stop thinking about that woman who demanded your attention all night, but it may actually have been her controlling attitude that won you over.
Our defenses informed the attachment patterns we developed as young children to get our needs met by our primary caregivers. These early attachment patterns became models for how we expected relationships to work in our adult lives. If we felt rejected, ignored, intruded on, insecure, criticized, resented, or drained in our early life, we may grow up to tend to seek out relationships that recreate that same emotional climate. If as kids we felt our needs were ignored or overlooked, we may now feel drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable, noncommittal, or even married to someone else. If we felt we had to take care of everyone in our household, we may now seek partners we feel we have to rescue. If we felt rejected or unloved, we may find people we have to convince to love us or whom we have to “win over.” 

The problem is, of course, that we may not even like or want a relationship with someone who has these qualities. We may even feel driven a bit crazy by them. But in truth, it's that feeling to which we may actually be attracted. On some deep, unconscious level, we feel we may need someone with these precise qualities to survive, to heal our old wounds, or to make us feel like our needs will be met. For example, if we feel a need to be taken care of, we may find someone who’s quick to take the reins, wants to be the boss, and promises to take care of us. If we’re driven to take care of ourselves and don’t want to rely on anyone else, we may select people who are pseudo-independent, distant, and unavailable.
Our early attachment styles, and the defenses and adaptations we form around them, have a strong influence on the partners we choose in the present. To break any negative patterns of choosing the same partner, we have to consider: What are the not-so-great qualities I’m seemingly attracted to? What are the negative traits of my type? Think about the people you’ve dated and note any patterns or similarities. Don’t just think about the obvious comparisons, but more subtle aspects of how they treated you and how they made you feel about yourself. What characteristics did they seem to look for in you? Did they want you to take care of or control them? Did they pull away when you got too close?

Of course, when you first met, there were probably a lot of obvious and sensible reasons you chose that person—like a sense of humor, sensitivity, an amazing smile, or a great laugh. Try to think about whether there were any less obvious qualities that drew you to these people or deepened your attraction to them. Was it a faraway look in their eyes? An initial disinterest? Did they pursue you aggressively? Did they fawn over you or build you up? As you consider this, you may be able to start making connections to your past. Do any of these relationship dynamics or feelings seem familiar? Do they remind you of anything or anyone from your early life?
As we come to know our patterns, we can start to make different choices about who we date. This may involve making some decisions that are initially uncomfortable but will ultimately make us happy. We may have to date outside our comfort zone, pushing through the trials of getting close to someone who challenges our defenses. If we feel easily overwhelmed, like someone will want too much from us, we may have to stick it out with that person who outwardly shows affection. If we feel like we need to go after someone or they’ll never show any interest, we may have to wait for that person at a party who approaches us, instead of vice versa.
These old patterns of defending ourselves can steer us in the wrong direction, pushing us to pick partners who fit with our defenses. Finding people who challenge our defenses and offer us a more secure attachment is the best strategy for changing our ideas about how relationships work, challenging critical feelings about ourselves, and ultimately even changing our patterns so we can bring more love and closeness into our lives. In the end, we may find ourselves with a new, healthier “type” that offers just as much spark, but with the potential for deeper, longer-lasting closeness and attraction.

A disturbing thought

Yesterday I was thinking about my most recent qualifier and how much I was physically attracted to him. This led me to wonder if it wasn't only his physicality but also his overall douchiness that I was attracted to as well. Although being attracted to douchebags is not healthy, it is comfortable. Then a disturbing thought entered my mind; what if a person can't change who they are attracted to once they have established the initial criteria? By this point I was hoping that these thoughts were unrealistic and after doing some follow-up research, I think they are. For example, consider this article from psychologytoday.com:

How to Develop Your Attraction to the Right Person
You know who would be good for you. So why aren't you attracted to them?
By: Ken Page, LCSW

We can’t force our sexual attractions. Most of us have learned that the hard way.
Yet, as I describe in my book Deeper Dating, there’s something profound that most of us have never been taught: Although our sexual attractions can’t be controlled, they can be educated. This post will share some ways to cultivate sexual and romantic attraction to people who are kind, respectful—and available. Even if you’re relentlessly attracted to bad-boys or bad-girls, or to unavailable people, you can still develop this capacity. And these are not gimmicks; they are the lifelong skills of romance and intimacy—the very same skills you'll use to keep passion alive in your next serious relationship.

The Attraction Spectrum
Every time we enter a room full of people, we make choices based upon our attractions: Whom do we notice? Whom do we pass over? Deb, a young stockbroker from Chicago, once told me:

“You know, it’s almost magical. I can go to a party, and there’s always one person I’m most attracted to. If I date him, within a few weeks or a few months I discover he has the same emotional qualities as my previous partner. But when I first saw him from across the room, I had no idea at all that this would be true!”

Our attractions are forged in the deep space of our being, born of countless, often unknowable forces. When we encounter someone for the first time, our psyche and heart begin an astonishingly complex scan, picking up obvious cues like physique and facial structure, but also noting myriad subtle cues such as body language, facial expression, the contour of the lips, the nuance of the voice, and the muscles around the eyes. We instantly process this information without even knowing it. All we feel is desire or the lack of it.

Scientists tell us that a silkworm can smell one other silkworm moth of the opposite sex from six-and-a-half miles away. Our mating instinct may not be that developed, but nature has programmed our romantic radar with the sensitivity to find just the right person to trigger whatever emotional circuitry we need to work through.
All of us are attracted to a certain type that stops us dead in our tracks, be it a physical type, an emotional type, or a personality type. Let’s say that there is a "spectrum of attraction," from 1 to 10; the people at the far end aren’t physically or romantically attractive to us at all, but those at the upper end are icons—they’re compellingly attractive, leaving us weak in the knees and triggering both our longing and our insecurity.
Harville Hendrix, founder of ImagoTherapy, illuminates this phenomenon in a way which sheds light on our entire intimacy journey. He teaches that these people are so attractive to us in part because they embody not only the best, but also the worst emotional characteristics of our parents.

All of us have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, anger, manipulation, or abuse. Unconsciously, we seek healing through our partner. And we try to achieve this healing by bonding with someone we sense might hurt us in similar ways to how we were hurt as children, in the hope that we can then convince him or her to finally love and accept us.
Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which remind us of how we were wounded the most.
This partly explains why we get so awkward and insecure around people to whom we’re intensely attracted. It also explains why our greatest heartbreaks often occur with these most intense, fiery attractions. Some of us react to past heartbreaks by dating only those on the low end of our attraction spectrum; we're frightened of the intensity and the risk of painful loss when we approach people on the higher end. We often feel safest with people who don’t do much for us on a physical or romantic level because it just feels more comfortable—but the downside can be boredom, frustration, and a lack of passion.
Many others only date people on the high end of their attraction spectrum, because they believe that’s where real love and passion lie. With someone who is a “high number” on your attraction spectrum, you can tell that you’re attracted in a fraction of a second. This can be achingly exciting, but it’s rarely comfortable or secure.
In my experience, people who only date those on the high end of their attraction spectrum are much more likely to remain single. By contrast, however, attraction to people in the middle of our spectrum is rarely immediate; it usually takes more time to get a sense of how interested we really are in such people.
People who are willing to date in the mid-range are more likely to find real and lasting love. It’s not a matter of selling out, because immediate attraction isn’t the best forecaster of future passion. Intense immediate attractions can blind us to the actual quality of our interactions with others, and to the actual characters of the people we date.
Attractions can grow—and many of us have had the experience of becoming more attracted to someone as we got to know him or her better.

Cultivating Attractions of Inspiration
So what do we do when we meet someone who inspires us, and we feel some spark of attraction, but not enough to fall in love?
Sexual attraction is much more mutable than we’ve been taught. We all have types that turn us on immediately and intensely. But as I said, attractions can grow. It's doubtful that you’ll become attracted to someone who isn’t at all physically appealing to you. But if someone holds a spark of attraction for you, and has other qualities you love, your attraction can blossom. If you’re meeting someone for the first time, don’t make a snap decision based upon whether you’re instantly attracted on a physical level. If you’re not sure, go out with them again. In time, something lovely may happen: He or she may actually become more beautiful to you. And if not, you’ll know that it’s time to stop dating them.
If you’ve ever seen artists working on a portrait, you will notice that they often squint. Squinting helps them focus on the essence of their subject without getting distracted by its harsh outlines. We need to do the same in our dating life. It’s so easy to get lost in the hard assessment of people’s imperfections, but it serves us better to simply sense their spirit. That is what makes attractions grow.
As we start to care more deeply about someone, invisible tendrils begin to grow in our thinking, in our sexual imaginings and longings, in our growing sense of dependence on that person. Our psyche, our sexuality, and our hearts begin to create attachment to that person, to make him or her our own.
When we build a muscle through exercise, our body creates new capillaries to feed it. When we create new love, something similar happens. New neuralpathways, emotional pathways, new rituals, sense memories, and needs get created. An entire web of new connections is created, as our hearts allow this once-stranger to become our loved one. We become specialized in them in so many ways. That’s why breakups can hurt with real physical pain—these lovingly-built tendrils are ripped out, and that experience is anguish.
In many attractions of inspiration, it can take time for our attraction to build. In such cases, it can be difficult to resist fleeing in search of something more clear-cut. As a result, many potentially wonderful relationships are cut off before ever being given a chance. The truth is that we can deepen our healthy attractions, and intensify their passion.
The more we focus on the things that trigger our desire, the more our passion can build. If there’s a spark of attraction to someone, and you want to make that attraction grow, start by giving yourself space. No matter how wonderful the person, you’re not obligated to be more attracted to him or her than you are. Forcing your feelings will only block the natural flow of attraction. Instead, allow yourself to reflect on what attracts you to them—what turns you on and what you appreciate.
Think emotionally, but think physically too. Take time to let your fantasies unfurl. You might simply want to hold hands at the movies. Or to kiss, or just gently touch for a long time. You might imagine quick hot sex or long, lazy sex Honor whatever you’re imagining, and, as appropriate, see if you can ask for what you want—that’s how we can grow our passion.
My advice: When we desire someone and then postpone the sex (for at least five or six dates), surprising new pathways of attraction form. It’s a great way to grow passion. More important, having sex too early is like Miracle-Gro for any fear of intimacy we might have. It makes us want to flee. So go slowly on the outside, but allow yourself free rein in your fantasy life.
And if your desire is more sensual than sexual, that’s fine too. A client of mine met a man who lives in Europe. She knew she liked him but she wasn’t attracted enough to want sex. She just wanted to cuddle. He invited her to visit but she wasn’t sure if she should make the trip. Speaking to her dating buddy, she said, “I don’t know if I should go all the way to Europe just to cuddle with someone.” Her wise friend replied, “Really? I can’t think of a better reason to go to Europe!” My client took the trip, and over time, fell deeply in love. She was wise enough to take all the time she needed, and he was wise enough to let her.

500 days

Today marks 500 days of sobriety for me and as always, I am insanely proud of myself. I find that the more sober time I log, the prouder I am of myself. I am also exceedingly grateful that I was blessed with recovery; when I reflect back on how utterly miserable and hopeless my life had become, I appreciate my recovery even more. If I had to identify the 2 most important benefits that I have gotten from sobriety, I would say they are a sense of pride in myself and being truly present in my interactions with others and time spent alone. I spent far too much wasted time on obsessing, fantasizing, and daydreaming about people and "relationships" that simply didn't matter. Thank God I was able to find a way out of the madness that is known as love and sex addiction. Here's to another 500 days; one day at a time! 😊

The tortoise and the hare

From the dailyom.com:

The Tortoise And The Hare
BY: MADISYN TAYLOR

Like the tortoise and the hare, we all arrive at the same destination, together, eventually.
The classic tale of the tortoise and the hare reminds us that different people take life at different speeds and that one way is not necessarily superior to another. In fact, in the story it is the slower animal that ends up arriving at the destination first. In the same way, some of us seem to move very quickly through the issues and obstacles we all face in our lives. Others need long periods of time to process their feelings and move into new states of awareness. For those of us who perceive ourselves as moving quickly, it can be painful and exasperating to deal with someone else's slower pace. Yet, just like the tortoise and the hare, we all arrive at the same destination together, eventually. 

People who take their time with things are probably in the minority in most of the world today. We live in a time when speed and productivity are valued above almost anything else. Therefore, people who flow at a slower pace are out of sync with the world and are often pestered and prodded to go faster and do more. This can be not only frustrating but also counterproductive because the stress of being pushed to move faster than one is able to move actually slows progress. On the other hand, if a person's style is honored and supported, they will find their way in their own time and, just like the tortoise, they might just beat the speedier, more easily distracted person to the finish line. 

It's important to remember that we are not actually in a race to get somewhere ahead of someone else, and it is difficult to judge by appearances whether one person has made more progress than another. Whether you count yourself among the fast movers or as one of the slower folks, we can all benefit from respecting the pace that those around us choose for themselves. This way, we can keep our eyes on our own journey, knowing that we will all end up together in the end.

Addiction-related struggle

The current addiction-related struggle that I am currently having is one in which I am unfortunately used to. This is the unconscious need that I have to get every man's attention in the room regardless if I am actually attracted to this person. Also, I give myself bonus points if I seem to secure his approval no matter how temporary. I have been extremely successful in reducing other parts of this addiction (i.e. sexually acting out, emotional intrigue, running to a man everytime I need a "fix") so it frustrates me to no end that I continue to struggle with this as much as I do.
The reason for my frustration is pretty simple; although I am in recovery from love and sex addiction, I have not done the step work with a sponsor. I am not blaming myself for that as there is absolutely no way I would have time to officially work the program at this time.
I guess the point of this post is to say that even though I am not having sex, I continue to struggle with aspects of the addiction. I am looking forward to the time where I can actively work the program.

Everything happens for a reason

From wanderlustworker.com:

5 Reasons Why Everything Happens For A Reason In Life
By: Robert Kanaat

“Remember, life happens for us, not to us.”

Some time ago, I walked away from a business. I still remember the feeling when I did it. I was overcome with this sensation of animosity and guilt. I was engulfed in defeat and despair. I had spent three years building that business and it could have easily become a 9-figure empire at the bare minimum. But I walked away.
When I did, I really questioned whether everything happens in life for a reason. But somewhere, in the back of my mind, I heard the voice of God. I knew that only He could turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into a triumph and a victim into a victory. I knew there had to be a reason for it all. I just couldn’t find it at the time.
Anytime we fail at something, we’re overcome by a sense of defeat. It’s nature. And it’s part of life. We all go through it. Does it feel good? Nope. Not in the slightest. But you can’t always expect life to be rainbows and sunshine. But there is a reason for the things that happen to you. In fact, the greatest lessonsyou could ever learn in life are born from failure.
I think that too often, people are so afraid of failure that they spend most of their lives running from it, when, in fact, it should be embraced and welcomed. You will never learn from success. You will never improve if you’re always living on easy street. There is true strength and progress to gain just outside of your comfort zone.
Still, I know that this doesn’t make it feel any better. I can only relate the journey. I can only convey how it feels. I can relate the pain and help others discover ways through it. I can’t make it better. No one can. But through the pain of failure and our most trying experiences, something wonderful is born. It’s a renewal of spirit, a birth of rejuvenation and an overall belief in greater things to come.
If you have faith in God, Allah, Buddha, or simply the universal oneness that binds us all, you’ve likely realized that everything in life does happen for a reason. And, even when you can’t understand it at that very moment, it does. Because, down the line, somewhere in the future, somewhere in the unknown, something else happens that’s so wonderful, that it’s only then that you realize it would have never come to fruition had you not suffered that earlier tragedy in the first place.

Why Things Happen For a Reason

If you’re suffering through a tragedy right now, then my heart goes out to you. I know the feeling of despair all too well. Maybe I’m just an extremely sensitive person, but it affects me deeply. Yet, then again, failure and tragedy affects everyone. It might impact us differently, but at the end of the day, it does impact us.
But there’s a reason why those things happen to you. Failure and tragedy are by design. They are part of nature’s chisel, chipping away at us in an attempt to improve our lives. However, it doesn’t happen by sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself. You have to turn that mess into a message. You might not realize it today, but there is a grand design.
When I walked away from that business, there was one thing going through my mind. All I could think about was the fact that human beings were meant to thrive, not just survive. I was living in survival mode. Mentally and emotionally and even spiritually, I was on survival autopilot. I was trying to survive the emotions that had engulfed me and altered my perspective.
But I realized that this experience and this situation was meant for me to thrive. And thrive I have. It’s funny how things can really alter your trajectory if you embrace them rather than run from them. I was put here for a reason. I was meant to help others realize the utility in their failures and not to run from them. Sure, there are other reasons for my existence, but that’s certainly one of the cornerstones.
What had happened to me was that I was getting further and further away from helping others. I was so immersed in my own sh*t that I couldn’t see the proverbial forest through the trees. But since that experience, some extraordinary things have happened to me.
For a long time, I had ignored networking and building deep and lasting relationships with people. But after that experience, I drowned myself in helping others. I created immense value for others without anyone ever asking me to do so. I built bridges, not walls. Now, if you want to go forward in life, then that’s exactly what you need to do. Because, by adding value in this world, and by helping others achieve their own success, you form the deepest and longest-lasting bonds.
Yes, everything does happen for a reason in life. Everything. We might not realize it. But it does. And they do. However, there are 5 underlying reasons why I feel that everything happens for a reason in life. These 5 reasons are fundamental to our greater understanding of the meaning of our lives. No, I’m not trying to get existential on you here. I’m being serious.

#1 — It prepares you for what’s to come

One very powerful realization is that everything happens for a reason because it’s preparing you for what’s to come in life. It’s helping to get you ready for a bigger and brighter future. You can’t have the pleasure of success without suffering through the pain of defeat. Even when these are tragedies outside of our control, there is a reason for them.
Cognitively, it doesn’t make sense. I know that. You can’t understand the reasons why someone dies, someone leaves you for someone else, or why a business might collapse. All you’re dealing with at the time is pain. But once that pain washes over you, and you move slowly into the future, things begin happening that wouldn’t have happened had you not suffered through that pain in the first place.

#2 — It makes you more resilient

Failure, tragedy and defeat makes you more resilient. Not at the time when you’re suffering through it. But over time as the weeks, months and years wear on. Often, you will never get over those biggest heartbreaks in life. But that’s okay. Because it shapes you into a more resilient person. It hardens you for what’s to come.
The truth is that tough times never last. But tough people do. And the scars that we receive in life will remind of us where we’ve been, but they don’t necessarily need to dictate where we will go. Don’t wallow too far in misery. Lift yourself up. Find the beauty in the simple things in life because that’s what’s important sometimes.
Ultimately, you understand that not everything is in your control, nor should it be. You simply can’t control everything that happens to you in life. But you can control how you respond. There’s an old quote that says life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

#3 — It helps you to shatter your old beliefs

When something bad happens to us, and it’s within our control, as in, the circumstances were a product of our own behavior, it makes a big impact on our ego. In fact, it shatters our old beliefs. We fall from grace and realize that whatever it is that we were doing, however it is that we were behaving, wasn’t at all proper.
You look at things differently. You learn to approach it in another way. That’s the thing about beliefs. They’re ingrained in us from childhood. They’re baked into our minds. And it’s so hard to overcome those old beliefs when we’re stuck in our ways living in mediocrity. I’m not talking about tragedies here. I’m talking about failures that we played a role in.
It’s pretty powerful to shatter your old beliefs. It’s essentially your ego crashing down to the floor. We’re able to reason so much of our limiting behavior because it’s steeped in habits. We go after pleasure while trying to avoid pain in the short term. Not in the long term. If we were avoiding pain in the long term we would always do what it took to make big progress and improve over time.

#4 — It helps invite progress not perfection

It’s all about progress and not perfection. Imagine being able to improve any area of your life by just one percent every day. That one percent compounds on itself over time. But too often, we don’t improve. We actually stay stagnant. That is, until we’re jolted out of our old limiting patterns of behavior by some deep amount of pain or failure. That’s when life’s real lessons kick into high gear.
However, too often, when something goes wrong, we fall of the proverbial wagon. We don’t make a little bit of progress. We actually go backwards. However, when that deep and sudden failure occurs, it opens your eyes to the necessity of making progress.

#5 — It makes you more empathetic and real

It’s hard to be empathetic when you haven’t really suffered through major defeat and tragedy. It just is. Sure, you can be sympathetic still. But not empathetic. Empathy only happens when you can truly relate through an experience with someone else. There’s real power in that.
It also makes you far more real and far less superficial. It’s easy to be superficial. We all have 3 faces. The face we show the world, the face we show family and friends, and our other face that we show no one. The latter is our true self. What happens when you suffer through a big tragedy is oftentimes those faces merge and you are left with a much more true and real face.
Why is that important? Because authenticity and transparency is so hard to come by these days. But when you find a person who’s real and authentic and transparent, it really does make you stop dead in your tracks. Those are the types of people that I choose to surround myself with. Not fake people who are only concerned with what others think of them.

What truly matters

Frequently I am reminded of the blessings of recovery from this life sucking disease. Today was one of those days! 😊
My son participates in a school program that I also participated in called Book It. The idea is that a child reads a set amount of books each month and gets a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut for their efforts. Well, March is the last month of the school year that they do it so my son and I were finishing up reading his last few books for this month. He read a book that was both cute and informative about rainforest animals. As he was reading to me while sitting on my lap and I was listening to his sweet voice, it occurred to me that these were the times that really matter. My addiction robbed me of so many moments with my son that I can never get back. However, I choose to feel blessed that I was given the gift of sobriety so that I am able to treasure all of the time that I have with him now and in the future. It's interesting how recovery helps to give you a laser focus on what truly matters. I am never looking back!

Online dating

For when and if I ever choose to go this route again. From nbcnews.com:

How to be better at online dating, according to psychology
Research on attractiveness, persuasion, and what makes relationships work can tell us a lot about how to use dating apps.
In some ways online dating is a different ballgame from meeting someone in real life — and in some ways it’s not.
By: Sarah DiGiulio

If online dating feels like an unsolvable puzzle in the search for “the one” (or whoever you’re looking for), you’re not alone.
Pew Research Center data has found that even though the number of people using online dating services is growing and the percentage of people who think it’s a good way of meeting people is growing — more than a third of the people who report being an online dater haven’t actually gone out with someone they’ve met online.

Online dating isn’t for the faint of heart or those easily discouraged, says Harry Reis, PhD, Professor of Psychology and Dean's Professor in Arts, Sciences, and Engineering, at University of Rochester. “There’s the old saying that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince — and I think that really applies to online dating.”
Reis studies social interactions and the factors that influence the quantity and closeness of our relationships. He coauthored a 2012 review article that analyzed how psychology can explain some of the online dating dynamics.

There’s the old saying that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince — and I think that really applies to online dating.

MEETING SOMEONE ONLINE IS FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT THAN MEETING SOMEONE IRL

In some ways online dating is a different ballgame from meeting someone in real life — and in some ways it’s not. (Reis points out that “online dating” is actually somewhat of a misnomer. We use the term to mean “online meeting,” whether it’s through a dating website or a dating app.)
“You typically have information about them before you actually meet,” Reis says about people you meet online. You may have read a short profile or you may have had fairly extensive conversations via text or email.

And similarly, when you meet someone offline, you may know a lot of information about that person ahead of time (such as when you get set up by a friend) or you may know very little (if, let’s say, you go out with someone you met briefly at a bar).
“The idea behind online dating is not a novel idea,” says Lara Hallam, a researcher in the Department of Communication Studies at University of Antwerp, where she’s working on her PhD in relationship studies. (Her research currently focuses on online dating, including a study that found that age was the only reliable predictor of what made online daters more likely to actually meet up.)
“People have always used intermediaries such as mothers, friends, priests, or tribe members, to find a suitable partner,” Hallam says. Where online dating differs from methods that go farther back are the layers of anonymity involved.
If you meet someone via a friend or family member, just having that third-party connection is a way of helping validate certain characteristics about someone (physical appearance, values, personality traits, and so on).

A friend may not necessarily get it right, but they’re still setting you up with someone they think you’ll like, Hallam says. “Online daters remain online strangers up until the moment they decide to meet offline.”

WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, SOME THINGS DO NEED TO BE DONE THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY

And there are certain things about a person and a potential partner that you just can’t find out from a profile or chatting online, Reis adds: Do you communicate well? Do you make one another laugh? Do you enjoy one another’s company? Do you feel like you’re a better person when you’re with the other person?
“Those things that really matter when it comes to making a relationship work are simply not available in a profile,” Reis says. (Study after psychological study support that those types of principles are important in relationships, and are predictors of relationship success, he notes.)
Online dating is a way to open doors to meet and date people, Reis says. And one thing the apps and sites have going for them is that ability to simply help you meet more people.

SO, WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO USE DATING SITES AND APPS TO ACTUALLY MEET MORE PEOPLE?

While there are limited clinical studies that have specifically analyzed online dating outcomes, there’s decades of research on why relationships work out and what drives people together in the first place.

“Most of what we can say about online dating from research is really more extrapolating from other kinds of studies,” Reis says.
Sameer Chaudhry, MD, an internist at the University of North Texas in Dallas, coauthored a 2015 BMJ Evidence-Based Medicine paper for which he and his coauthor considered nearly 4,000 studies across psychology, sociology, neurocognitive science, and other disciplines to come up with a series of guidelines for how to set up a profile, how to select matches, and how to approach online interactions.
Setting up a dating profile a certain way is by no means a guarantee for meeting the love of your life. But Chaudhry’s findings do offer some pointers on how to share information about yourself and how decide who to take a chance on. “There are small subtleties that can help,” he says.
Here are a few tips:

1. PICK YOUR APPS WISELY

Online dating isn’t one of those see-all-of-your-options-and-then-make-a-decision games. Be selective. Some apps have a reputation for being hookup apps; others are designed to connect users of the same religion or some other shared hobby or attribute. “Use apps according to your partner preferences,” Hallam says.

2. BE HONEST

Research shows that people tend to fall for people similar to themselves when it comes to things like relationship history, desire for children, pet preferences, and religion. Being honest about what you want and who you are makes it more likely that the people you end up talking to and meeting are people things might work out with, Hallam says.

“This is an opportunity to be clear about who you are and who you want to meet,” adds Keely Kolmes, PsyD, a San Francisco- and Oakland-based psychologist — and if you have a “deal breaker” issue, mentioning it upfront can safe a lot of time and effort.

3. CHOOSE A PHOTO THAT PUTS YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD (OR AT LEAST THE ONE YOU WANT TO SHOW OFF)

Photos should accurately depict your physical appearance — but they should be photos you generally like, Hallam says.
Having never met this person before, photos can have a big bearing on likeability and someone’s initial attitude toward you, Chaudhry says. Specific attributes that generally increase attractiveness and likeability, according to his research, were: a genuine smile (one that makes your eyes start to crinkle up) and a slight head tilt.

4. GET TO THE POINT — AND DO INCLUDE WHAT MAKES YOU INTERESTING IN YOUR PROFILE

Nobody’s going to read a six-paragraph essay, Reis says. People swipe through profiles quickly. State things that are really important to you and be done with it.

DO include what’s distinctive about you. People tend to be interested in interesting people. And DO include what you’re looking for in a potential match, Chaudhry says — an ideal balance is 70 percent about you, and 30 percent about the person you’re looking for, according to his research.

5. BE OPEN MINDED

Just because someone isn’t a runner or has a hobby you’re not so sure about, don’t give up on them, Reis says. “Try to be as open minded as possible to the idea that you could actually grow in new ways from someone you might meet online.”
(Remember that personal growth is one of those hallmarks that tends to make long-term relationships work.)

6. KEEP CONVERSATIONS (SOMEWHAT) SHORT AND NON-GENERIC

There are certain aspects of a relationship you’re never going to be able to gather from online interactions alone, Reis says. He suggests not drawing out the pre-face-to-face meeting for too long.

Chaudhry says his research suggests keeping online, pre-meeting exchanges to two weeks or shorter. And actually make an effort to get to know someone. Ask about a specific part of someone’s profile or about likes and dislikes, Chaudhry says.

7. HAVE FUN

“Using dating apps should be fun,” Kolmes says. It shouldn’t feel like work.
Kolmes suggests checking in with yourself regularly. “If it’s feeling like a chore, you’re not enjoying yourself, or you are feeling bad about yourself, then take a break and try something else.”

A welcome realization

During my morning run yesterday, I had a stunning yet logical realization: of all the men who I was insanely attracted to, they all had qualities like my father. Moreover although many of the experiences I had while in relationships with them were unpleasant, they were familiar therefore comfortable. For example, my most recent qualifier was extremely masculine with several addictions and a HUGE anger problem. My father also has all of those same qualities. Matter of fact, in analyzing all of the long term relationships I have had, all of the men shared those same qualities.
With the gift of sobriety and recovery, I have the time and energy to examine all of these relationships and identify the unhealthy qualities and patterns. I cannot possibly articulate how blessed I feel to have been given the gift of recovery. I know I have written variations of that statement multiple times here on my blog but it's so true, I can't help it. 😊

More on not settling

From bolde.com:

Why I Won’t Settle For Someone Who’s Just “Good Enough”

By: Andrea Wesley

Many of us can escape our single lives at any time if we’re willing to give up on the forever love we’re hoping for and settle for what’s available here and now. But even though we can give in and find someone who’s good enough to spend our days with, there’s so much more we’re willing to hold out for, and I won’t ever settle on someone who’s just good enough.

1. GOOD ON PAPER ISN’T EVERYTHING. Sure, anyone can find someone with a job, a house, and working parts to build a family. Anyone can find someone they’re simply content with, but relationships shouldn’t start from a place of just fitting the bill. It’s the substance that exists between two people and it goes far beyond logistics. Real love isn’t just about tolerating each other and being each other’s best friend, it’s also about feeling that burning desire to do anything and everything for each other to keep the passion alive forever.

2. I WANT A SIDE OF EXCITEMENT WITH MY EARLY BIRD SPECIAL. When I’m approaching my 60s and need to start having my dinner’s at 5 pm, I want the person sitting across from me to be someone I still adore — not just because he’s a good man, but because he’s the man who pushed me to be the best version of myself throughout my entire life with him.

4. IF IT ISN’T CHALLENGING, IT GETS BORING. While I know relationship ruts are a thing, I want someone who’s a fighter like me, who will work through the stuff that gets ugly in life, because it’s bound to get ugly at times. I don’t want easy and I don’t want simple. I want someone who challenges me to my core and pushes me to continue to strive to be the best version of myself while I push them to do the same. I don’t want to just be complacent.

5. I WANT SOMEONE WHO AWAKENS THE PARTS OF ME I DON’T KNOW YET. I want someone who makes me feel alive not just by the way my heart beats or the air that I breathe, but someone who dissects my soul and shows me new facets of the life that I don’t yet know. I don’t want boring or run-of-the-mill, and I don’t want to get stuck in routines. I want every day to be a new surprise waiting to unfold.

6. THERE’S A PERFECT PERSON FOR EVERYONE, IF YOU’RE WILLING TO WAIT. I don’t want to wait forever, but I don’t want to rush into things now. I want trial and error and I want to experience the ones I know aren’t my forever because it’ll make it clearer when the right person arrives. How many of us just stop at just good enough and wonder what might have been if we’d just taken more of a chance and trusted that good enough really isn’t as good as it gets?

7. I WANT THE JOURNEY TO HAVE BEEN WORTH IT. Because if all of the waiting, the hurting, and the longing was in only for someone who just fit the bill in the end, what have I been fighting for this entire time? Maybe I’m a dreamer, and maybe I’m delusional, but I’m not looking for perfection. I’m holding out for my imperfect perfection — the one that makes my insides tremble and the one who invades my mind with endless challenges to my heart. I want more than security and I want more than someone standing next to me in every face of life. I want someone who made this journey worth it. And for that, I’ll never settle.