Tuesday reflections

This morning I happened to think about my most recent qualifier. More specifically I took note of how long I have been single based on when I first met him. (June 2017)
As has happened frequently in the past almost 2 years, I found myself wishing that he would contact me again. Now don't misunderstand me, I would have no intention of talking with him or seeing him again; it would be the fact of knowing that he was thinking of me and "missed" me that would give me that "high".
This morning I finally figured out why that is: because I never received any sense of worthiness from him, I suppose I still crave that even though I do not respect him nor even like him. And that is the fucked up part that makes this addiction so hard, while intellectually you know something is wrong, that doesn't stop you from craving it. Thankfully I now have fleeting thoughts and feelings rather than actually acting on any of those thoughts or feelings.
The thoughts that I had this morning reinforce how much I need to concentrate on providing worth and validation to myself. No matter what my addiction tells me, the worth and validation that you give to yourself is the only kind that matters.