Follow up on an earlier post

I just wanted to provide an update on an earlier post I made about having to speak with a previous qualifier as part of my job duties. While I spent longer on the phone with him than I thought I would, I did a great job with remaining assertive, setting boundaries, not putting him on a pedestal, or any of my other behavior that I had during my active addiction. Actually, it was the most fascinating thing: I realized just how toxic he truly is by listening to what he said and how he said it. For example, he was shamelessly flirting with me even though he is married. The biggest accomplishment happened when I felt only disdain and annoyance for him. If someone would have told me this was possible even 4 years ago, I wouldn't have believed it. Yet here I am! This evening, I am so proud of how far I have come and continue to look forward to more positive changes!

Exhausted!

Tonight I am absolutely exhausted! Also, I need to finish working on my SLAA assignments so I am going to share a very fascinating article on ghosting. It's happened to me before, I am sure it has happened to you as well.

4 Reasons Why People Ghost Their Partners

Understanding "why" may help some to recover and others to avoid doing it.

By: Dianne Grande, Ph.D.

Posted Apr 03, 2018

Ghosting is when you suddenly disappear from the life of the person you have been dating. You stop responding to phone calls or texts, with no explanation. Although it has always been a risk in the realm of dating, it has become extremely common in recent years. The Plenty of Fish dating site conducted a survey in which they polled 800 daters from ages 18 to 33. Eighty percent of respondents reported being ghosted.
An obvious explanation for the increase in this behavior is that it is simply easiertoday to break up with someone by ghosting them, particularly if you met online and can avoid ever being face to face with them again. However, it is far from easy for the ghostee. Anyone who’s been ghosted knows how painful it can be. It leaves no way for the person left behind to make sense of what happened. Questions are left unanswered: “What did I do wrong?”; “Did he ever really care about me?”; and even, “Did something happen to her?” There are often lasting effects on the ghostee's self-esteem, particularly if they were already suffering from blows to their self-image. It may be helpful to understand the possible reasons.
1. Avoidance of confrontation

By this, I mean avoiding any type of direct communication which has the possibility of angering or even upsetting another person. Many (if not most) people are conflict-avoidant and would rather walk away or change the subject than get into an argument. Fear of angry responses like yelling or criticizing, and avoidance of emotional responses (crying or just tearing up) are both extremely common. Being ghosted usually does not mean that you did anything wrong; it is more likely that the person you were dating just could not bring themselves to be direct with you. Is that a character flaw? Not in my opinion. When you consider how many people have ghosted others, it isn’t helpful to label all of them as selfish or flawed. It is a matter of emotional maturity, and that is a trait that can develop and improve over time. If you think this explanation fits your situation, you’re better off forgivinginstead of judging the ghoster, and then letting go as peacefully as you can.
2. Fear of emotional intimacy

This is the fear of actually allowing yourself to care deeply about someone, and accepting that they care deeply about you as well. It is not difficult for those with this type of fear to date for a month or even for years, as long as they are able to keep their emotional distance. (I have worked with couples married for decades who have not come to terms with their fear of emotional closeness.) The dating relationship may be stable until something provokes this fear in a way that is intolerable for the potential ghoster. This is not to say that the person who was ghosted is at fault; any number of events could have triggered this subconscious fear, and these events may have been unavoidable. Fear of intimacy is a long-term problem, not easily overcome, and usually requires awareness, followed by effort, in order to overcome.
3. Narcissistic personality style
The narcissist is not very likely to be empathic about the emotional pain of the person they are dating. Lack of empathyis a hallmark sign of narcissisticpersonality and is likely the reason for at least some instances of ghosting. If you have had time to get to know the person who ghosted you, you have probably seen other instances of their lack of consideration for others. What you may not have expected is that “others” included you.

4. Fear of a violent reaction
A much less common situation occurs when the person suddenly disappearing is afraid of an aggressive reaction to a breakup statement. I would not necessarily call this ghosting but rather a self-protective behavior. It is mentioned here to clarify that there are times when sudden disappearance is the only safe way out.
Final thoughts: None of this is intended to excuse ghosting. It is hoped that a consideration of these reasons will be helpful if it has happened to you. And if you are thinking about ghosting someone, consider some kinder options. Try to be mindful of the other person's well-being, and consider how you would like to be treated if you were in their place. Maybe she or he is capable of hearing your straightforward explanation of why you need to end the relationship. If you can’t find the words to explain your change of heart, try saying something as brief as, “This just isn’t working for me. It’s not your fault. I need to end this relationship.” I think most readers would agree that a simple statement is better than no statement at all.

Day #265

Today marks 265 days of recovery in the SLAA program. How apropos then that I am currently writing out my bottom, middle, and top lines. Also, I am doing some other inventories recommended by my new sponsor.
Also, in related recovery news, I am both proud and thrilled to report that I am getting baptized on Wednesday at 5pm. My son and I have been attending church since April and I feel as if this has made my recovery truly come full circle. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I am very much looking forward to all of the positive things that I am certain will be in my future. One day at a time, God give me the serenity.....

Now the real work begins

This coming week I will be starting to work the 12 steps of SLAA with my sponsor. I am equal parts excited and nervous for this process to start even though I have been waiting about 7 months for it to happen. I am off to finish up my required reading in the AA Big Book and because I do not have much else to report, I will leave you with my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart.

• JULY 28 •
Without forgiveness life is governed…by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation. — Roberto Assaglioli

As recovering addicts we know the harm done to ourselves and others by our addiction. And yet, our illness may continue to be a breeding ground for resentment. Perhaps we think others are healthier and more successful than we are, and we imagine that they look down on us. We may imagine that other people have it in for us or are trying to harm us. While there may really be occasions when we truly have been wronged, most of our resentment is probably delusional. Whatever the situation, it is clear that part of our recovery is forgiving ourselves and others, and making things right. Our program gives us the opportunity to identify, reveal, and turn over our defects of character. At a later stage, we prepare to make amends to those we have harmed by these defects. In this way our program helps us break through the cycle of hurt and retaliation. We come to see that there is a way out of our addictive thinking; through forgiveness and acceptance, we can find serenity and peace.

I am following the Steps toward ending resentment and retaliation. I am learning to forgive and be forgiven.

Qualifier from the past

Ten years ago, I met the qualifier that would most negatively affect my life. I was with him for a little short of 2 years. We lived together, we became engaged, eventually he even got me pregnant. However, this was by far the most toxic relationship I have ever had. This man is a bona fide psychopath, I have never been so sure about anything in my life. Our relationship was the most horrific of my life; he degraded and abused me in ways that I didn't even realize were possible before I met him. I had the strongest trauma bond with him, it was a miracle that I ever broke free and got away from him. I spoke with him in passing a little over a year ago and the time before that was 3 years ago. Today, as part of my job duties, I had to call him from my office to see what apartments he has available for rent. (He is a landlord.) He didn't answer the call but I left a voicemail that was professional, confident, and best of all, devoid of any sign that he had ever been a part of my life!
I am so extremely proud of myself and while I know I will have to call him again on Monday, I am okay with that because I know my strength and recovery won't let me down. Moreover, I have God beside me in my fight against Lucifer himself.

Sober Dating Tips

I found this fantastic article on the New York Times website and wanted to share it here. This article contains several helpful tips for when I start sober dating.

How to Stop Rushing Into Love

By Jessica Blankenship

Feb. 6, 2018

When I announced I was moving to Paris to live with a man I’d met in the Bahamas four weeks earlier, no one who knew me was surprised.

They had no shortage of opinions — “You barely know him,” “You barely know French,” “You know they don’t have Krispy Kreme in Paris, right?” — but shock was not the underpinning emotion fueling most of them.
My dropping everything to move thousands of miles away into the arms of someone whose middle name I didn’t know wasn’t terribly uncharacteristic. Not that I’d done that before, but I did tend to throw myself into exciting new endeavors with a somewhat, ahem, aggressive speed and unwavering confidence. And in my early 20s, that certainly included romances with near-strangers.
But according to the New York City-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder, the author of the forthcoming “Love Worth Making,” that desire to jump into new romances headfirst is only natural.

“The human mating dance doesn’t take much time,” he said. “It often involves a sudden explosion of energy, like the Big Bang.”

Within two months of moving to Paris my relationship had gone from explosive to smoldering pile of ashes, but the impulses that took me — and those same impulses that can drive any of us to rush into getting too serious too soon — are normal, Dr. Snyder said.

He added: “It’s always safest to assume that if there’s something most people are prone to doing, it’s because we’re designed for it.”
Exercising restraint and applying sensible structure to something that feels great requires using the logical parts of our brain to override the pleasure-seeking parts of our brain. But it’s possible, and you can still fully embrace a promising romantic partner without letting the fire in your heart burn your life down.

Commit to your boundaries

Advocating for your needs is often difficult, but it’s made even more so when those needs conflict with your short-term wants. Whether it’s a roommate who liberally “borrows” your almond milk or a boss who emails urgent requests at all hours, most of us have at least one relationship that would be infinitely healthier with clear, mutually constructive boundaries.

Experts call this differentiation: “Having a strong enough sense of self that you can properly balance the inevitable tension between the I and the we in a relationship,” Dr. Snyder said.

“People who are not well-differentiated tend to be quick to react, becoming so flooded with emotion they have to run away from a situation or suppress important parts of themselves in order to keep the peace.”
The takeaway is this: If you don’t know what you need and how to ask for it, it almost doesn’t matter what else you do right in a relationship. That lack of clarity can often lead to disappointment when you’re newly in love, but that doesn’t always signal impending disaster.

“Becoming a couple is about dealing with disappointments,” Dr. Snyder said. “If you don’t know that, you’re in trouble from the start.”

There are no right or wrong answers about when to have sex

How you approach sex with a new person when you’re looking to move forward slowly depends entirely on who you are.
For some, having sex early on can facilitate a sense of closeness that eases the process of getting to know someone. For others, it’s a step that is best left for later stages of a relationship.
But wherever you fall, the point is this: Whatever feels right for you and your new partner is the approach you should pursue, experts said.

A big part of deciding when you have sex with someone is about managing your expectations for what will happen to the relationship as a result of breaking ground on physical intimacy, according to Megan Fleming, a sex and relationship therapist and clinical instructor of psychology in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College.

If right away “you’re going to sleep with someone, be crystal clear: You’re perfectly fine if you never speak to them again,” Dr. Fleming said.
“If casual sex is what you really want, there’s no problem rushing in,” she said. “But if your big goal is a more long-term relationship, having sex quickly can be an attempt to jump-start a relationship. And to recognize that, more often than not, that’s not how it works.”
Still, this is a personal decision that comes down to the particular relationship you have, and open, earnest communication is the best approach to figure out what will fit the relationship.

Open up, but not too quickly

It’s easy to tell yourself, “I’m going to take things slow this time,” but things get hazy when you’re moonstruck and want your partner to know everything about you right now. Feeling seen by a new partner who truly gets you can feel like a drug, and downloading the contents of your brain is a tempting binge to go on.
“This is a period of intense expansion, and so it’s only natural to want to know and be known,” said Ian Kerner, a psychotherapist and sex counselor in New York City.

The key is to reveal parts of yourself and your history over time as they become contextually relevant. Wait for natural segues in the course of having normal exchanges, rather than dumping information about yourself in order to fast-track the other person’s understanding of you.

One of the core problems with monologuing is that you risk inventing (even if accidentally) an idealized version of yourself, creating a high — but fictional — bar you’ll fail to clear over and over for the rest of the relationship.
Dr. Kerner added one question to keep in mind as you open up: “What’s the mental image that this other person is creating of me?”
On the other end of the spectrum, if you’re dating someone who doesn’t make you want to share everything, that can be its own red flag.
“Maybe you don’t really have chemistry with this person if you’re not intensely curious about them, or maybe they don’t feel it for you,” Dr. Kerner said. “Or maybe they’re narcissistic and only want to be seen, known, validated and affirmed, without expressing the same towards you. But hopefully you’ve picked someone that you can continue to reveal yourself to.”

Be protective of your time from the very beginning

In any new relationship there is a constant balance of figuring out how much to integrate this person into your life, and at what pace that intertwining should occur.
“Many new relationships that unfold successfully seem to follow a three-stage path,” Dr. Kerner said, adding that knowing the different phases can be helpful toward figuring how to balance the retention of the autonomous self while in the process of creating a “we.”

The first stage, he said, is often that “intense desire for togetherness and a sense of mutual self-expansion” — or, as we all probably better know it, that honeymoon phase we feel when we’re smitten. Stage two is when the pendulum swings back and we assert our individuality a bit more. And stage three is, hopefully, when the previous two stages meet in the middle and a genuine, healthy integration happens.

That balance will be unique for every relationship, but holding onto some of your alone time, friend time, work time and time for everything else will mean you won’t have to fight to get back that time later.

Dr. Kerner added that it can be helpful to think of your new relationship as a Venn diagram.
“There’s a relational overlap, but you’re still also an individual. What is the size of the overlap?” he said. “The goal is to get the right-sized overlap while still maintaining a sense of individuality, the balance between togetherness and differentiation. Strong couples consist of strong individuals, and strong individuals are often bolstered by strong relationships.”

Sex, love, and compatibility don’t always come as a package

Assuming that great sex inherently equals the potential for great love or that love always indicates long-term compatibility is setting yourself up for endless, and unnecessary, disappointment. Sometimes these things exist in tandem; they often stand alone.
“You’re setting yourself up to believe that because someone is interested in having sex, that you’re going to get the call or the next date,” Dr. Fleming said. “And if that happens, fantastic, but that’s often not the way it looks, and strategically, people can be setting themselves up for rejection and what feels like abandonment, even though it’s a stranger.”
Let’s say you’ve been mindful, strategic and have successfully navigated the dopamine rushes without getting lost in them. Perhaps, against all of your haste-prone habits, you’ve slow-played your way into the solid beginnings of a burgeoning relationship. That’s great! New love is fun and exciting. But just because things are off to a smooth and reasonable beginning doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve found “the one.”

Don’t “assume that the sudden, shocking thrill of new intimacy means you’re meant to be together for life,” Dr. Snyder said.

“In order to know that, you’ll need to see how good the two of you are at managing disappointments,” he added. “These are inevitable, so it’s best to expect them. It’s in dealing with disappointments that you achieve confidence as a couple.”

Holding that somewhat contradictory idea isn’t easy for a love-addled brain: knowing that disappointments are coming, but trying to see them as positive, trust-building moments. It can feel unnatural to assign work to something you’re presently experiencing as pleasure.
But doing so could mean the difference between building a partnership that’s fortified to last and one that’s built on a foundation of explosive-yet-fleeting feelings. Rushing in might be human nature, but only fools fail to evolve.

Encountering other love addicts

This past weekend I visited with a longtime friend of mine who is from my area but has been living elsewhere in the state for the past 15 years. In actuality, she used to be my best friend until several issues emerged that made it impossible for me to label her as such. Nevertheless we do get together for a visit when she comes home.
In my opinion, she is a full blown love and sex addict but is either unaware of this or just doesn't care. I didn't realize until this weekend that the main topic we always bonded over was men. Chasing men, dating men, having sex with men, pursuing relationships with new men: these were our activities that we discussed routinely.
Obviously I am no longer engaging in these behaviors and her acting out has actually amped up because she recently had weight loss surgery. She came to my house on Saturday evening and we talked and caught up before going out to dinner. Then we came back to my house and talked some more before she left. Most of her preferred topic of discussion was the men she is currently seeing and the details of her various liaisons. Not only did I not have any reciprocal stories to share but I found that her admissions started to trigger me! Of course I did not act on any of these cravings nor urges but at that time there is nothing I would have enjoyed more than finding a tall, masculine, hairy, and attractive man and taking him to bed all night long! Thankfully the cravings have let up a bit this week but now I know that I will always have to remain vigilant, especially when I spend time with other love and sex addicts.

Day #260

Today marks 260 days of recovery from sex and love addiction. I am extremely proud of myself for all I have accomplished especially maintaining celibacy and most recently not engaging in masturbation either. I am working on my sponsor's suggested tasks and once I finish with these hopefully this week, I will begin to work the program with her next week.
I just wanted to write about some realizations I have had since entering program: love is not pain, obsession, fantasy, or denial. My goal has changed from getting into a relationship at all costs with someone whom I am attracted to slowly establishing a healthy partnership where there is mutual love, respect, and trust. The longer I am in program, the more I realize how much patience this will require. However, I want something healthy, real, and true. I am willing to put in the work I need to in order to find this.

September 23, 2017

Today it has been 10 months since what I thought of as the end of my life turned out to be only the beginning. September 23, 2017 started out like any other day but ended with me struggling to understand how my life would go on. This is the day that my most recent qualifier dumped me without warning and sent me into a tailspin in which I thought I would never recover from. Although the worthless coward had the balls to come back (and I didn't have the strength or willpower at that time to say no) and I continued to see him for 6 weeks afterward, that day was the lowest point of my entanglement with him. I honest to goodness thought I was dying when he dumped me over the phone and told me that he never loved me. I couldn't breathe, relax, sleep, eat, or find peace. I was in a painful haze for the next 2 days before it was time to drag my ass out of bed and go to work that following Monday morning. That was the absolute worst I have felt at any time in recent memory. Somehow I managed to pull myself through and bounce back, displaying resiliency and strength that I didn't know I had. For you see, even though I was devastated and blindsided, he gave me the greatest gift of all: the opportunity to discover the path that led back to myself. Thank God!

Daily meditation

I am going to post the July 19 daily meditation from Answers in the Heart. I ran out of time this evening because I was trying to catch up on work documentation. Procrastination sucks!

• JULY 19 •
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself. (I am large, I contain multitudes.) — Walt Whitman

Step Four begins the process of restoring our relationship with ourselves. No matter how we structure an inventory, it inevitably reveals ourselves to us as we are. There is no bad news in our inventories, only the news of light and darkness together, in one person. In the past we chose to see only what we wanted to see. It was necessary to be selective about what we believed we were because our addiction showed how we couldn’t bear the truth. Now all that is behind us. Through a “searching and fearless moral inventory,” we see that we are not bad, but human. With the help of our Higher Power and the sincere desire to be honest with ourselves, we face our character defects, especially fear, resentment, pride, and self-will. We also acknowledge our strengths, including our courage, willingness, and desire to change. The Fourth Step is our entrance into a wonderful new stage of growth.

Knowing myself is the first step to accepting and loving myself.

Masturbation

As mentioned in an earlier post, I finally got a sponsor and soon I will officially begin working the 12 steps. As part of my recovery work, my sponsor recommends taking a 90 day pledge of complete sexual abstinence including masturbation. Today is my 260th day of celibacy and I am still alive. When I received my sponsor's email about stopping masturbation, I didn't think it would be much of a leap from where I am now. I did not anticipate the struggle I would have with not masturbating but it's been extremely tough and it's only been 1 week. I understand the rationale behind her suggestion however I think I might die if I don't have an orgasm for the next 90 days!!!
In all seriousness though, I am committed to working the program no matter what I have to do or give up. Please wish me luck because this one's going to be tough.

What if...

What if I meet someone who I really like and connect with but the compulsion I have to objectify them becomes overwhelming? I know this might sound absolutely ridiculous but if I meet a tall bearded man with big upper arms and chest hair, I honestly don't know what I will do. Especially given how long it's been since I had sex...for whatever reason, I am particularly missing sex this evening. I am especially craving being physically close to a big, strong, tough man....*sigh*. Recovery can be so difficult some days!

Overcoming Adversity

 

4 Proven Ways to Overcome Adversity

By Tiffany Mason 
  ~ 2 min read

Does it seem like every challenge that you experience becomes a big headache in your life?

No matter what adverse events you are currently experiencing, there is a purpose behind each one. For most of us, it’s difficult to imagine that losing a child or finding out that you have cancer is a blessing. I know from personal experience.
I was sexually molested and exploited at the age of 18. It took me a while to view it as a learning experience. The way in which you view adversity will either allow you to be set free from the heartache, confusion, guilt, and fear or allow you to be negatively affected in every aspect of your life.
After experiencing an adverse event, you will be at a crossroads. You can either view it as a blessing or allow your past to control the rest of your life.
Here are four proven ways to overcome adversity:

Surround yourself with positive people. Be selective with the people you surround yourself with. Indirectly they will affect your mood and your outlook. When you are in an emotional state of mind, it’s important to surround yourself with people who are supportive and encouraging.Human beings conform to those around them. Conformity is the change of behavior caused by another person or group of people. When experiencing adversity, it’s crucial in your development to surround yourself with people who are accepting of your flaws, mistakes, and imperfections. Overcoming adversity can be a challenge; when you have a supportive team helping you move forward, it’s much easier to accept yourself.

Write. There is something so peaceful in writing down your thoughts. However short or long your journal entries are, the process of writing down your emotions allows you to reflect.There are many benefits to writing:

Allows for self-expression

Helps give feedback about your life

Allows you to better understand your current situation

Allows you to think outside the box

Makes you a better philosopher

Writing in a journal once a day can help in you overcome adversity. Whatever emotions, feelings or thoughts come to mind, jot it down. Years from now you’ll be able to reflect and see just how much you have developed.

Be in nature. Nature is very therapeutic. Living in a society where we are constantly moving around, we are disconnected from the beauty of nature. Whether it be walking in the park or gardening at home, taking the time to connect yourself with nature is a very healing process.There have been more than 100 research studies that have shown that outdoor activities reduce the level of stress. With adversity comes stress and frustration. Taking the time to be outside is a way for you to nurture your being and allow yourself to take a deep breath and relax. The sun and the air give you a sense of calmness during the face of adversity. Take about 10-20 minutes outside each day and find your stress level decreasing.

Start investing in yourself. There is no greater investment than the investment within your own personal development.Experiencing adversity is a great excuse for people not to take charge of their lives. We all face adversity in some way. What makes one individual succeed and another not is how they handle their adversity. Many of us allow challenges to defeat us. What we need to focus on is developing into a stronger and wiser individual because of the challenges. There is no better way to do so than developing your internal world.
Get yourself a library card and start reading self-help books. Take a look at the audio section and find yourself a few audio programs that you would like to listen to in the car. It’s about starting that momentum moving forward rather than backward.

Your adversity is a blessing in disguise. You may not think so at the moment, but it will eventually make you stronger and wiser.

What to do when they come back?

I am facing this right now and I am ecstatic to report that I finally have an answer that makes sense, after all of these years. Nothing. You do nothing. You do not even respond to the message in any way, shape, or form.
To clarify, my most recent qualifier (D. from Buffalo) has not come back. However, another man (R. from Buffalo) texted me today. I was seeing R at the same time I was seeing D. In all honesty, I was using R to try to distract myself from my cravings of D. I met R on Tinder and had one encounter with him. He and his family have a lot of money and he's a good looking guy. He was smart, successful, and seemed sweet as well. However, it was a sexual arrangement on both of our parts and when I started withdrawal on November 6, I stopped seeing R and D.
I last talked to R in January. In June, he texted me. I did not respond. And today he texted me again. I have not, nor will I, respond this time either. Obviously I do not know the guy well but I think he would be a reminder of the one that I really wanted, D. Moreover, I am content with my life being single. I enjoy my life and everyone in it and for the first time in my life, I am satisfied and in a great place. No man will ever ruin that for me again!

July 17

• JULY 17 •
Then comes the insight that All is God. One still realizes that the world is as it was, but it does not matter, it does not affect one’s faith. — Abraham Heschel

God is not an object to be possessed. As practicing addicts, we tried to possess people and change reality through sex. We needed the illusions of power and control to sustain us. There was no God except ourselves, and secretly we feared there was no one inside of us, only blackness, a void. Step Three replaces the need to possess, the fear, and the void, with faith. When we turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God, we experience God. We let go of our self-will, no matter how haltingly, and trust that God will remake us according to spiritual principles. Step Three deepens our commitment to recovery. We put willingness, openness, and honesty in our lives because we need them and because others have said they work. It’s another act of faith. How do we find God? We don’t. When we stop playing God and turn ourselves over to God, God finds us.

Thy will, not mine, be done.

Finding comfort

I had a particularly bad day today for many reasons. It started out extremely well but quickly turned into a shitshow of extreme proportions. It's actually so bad that I am very distraught and right now, I am being comforted by the following:

The SLAA 11th Step: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
enjoying one moment at a time; 
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. 
Amen.

Painful but necessary reflections

After reading today's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart, I thought back to a conversation with my mother that I had just this morning. During this conversation, we were discussing how far I have come in my life in the past year, especially with my sex and love addiction. I was explaining how I viewed my most recent qualifier, the man from Buffalo whom I dated last summer. Literally I made this man God. If he told me he didn't like a certain band, I stopped listening to them. If he told me to wear my hair a certain way or act a certain way, of course I did without even thinking about it. I gave up integral parts of ME to satisfy HIM. And although I gave them up for a short time, I didn't turn essential parts of me off. I just completely abandoned myself when I was entangled with him. And that's what I did with every single qualifier and relationship I have had thus far. Here's to making healthier decisions and loving myself! Here's July 15's entry:

• JULY 15 •
The spiritual life springs forth in the pastures of the heart, in its free spaces, as soon as these two mysterious beings, God and man, meet there. — Paul Evdokimov

Sex addiction is a spiritual disease. Living as a practicing addict strips us of our spirituality. We lose our connection with reality, giving more and more of ourselves to try to fill the emptiness within. Unfortunately, we often don’t discover that the addiction cannot deliver what it promised until we’ve paid the high price of spiritual atrophy. We once made compulsive sexual behavior our Higher Power, but it is only our real Higher Power who can remove our obsessive attitudes and behaviors and can make us sane. Seeking this Higher Power means changing directions completely. Step Two helps us find hope, without which none of us can live. We come to this Step as people emerging from a long, life-threatening journey through a wasteland. It is then, as beings of spirit as well as of flesh, that we start another journey to a Higher Power of light, joy, and unconditional love.

Step Two is a process, and I get all the time I need.

Day #250

Today marks the 250th day of my sobriety. This accomplishment is so meaningful and precious to me; although I may be alone and single, at least I am not miserable, anxious, and chasing after illusions anymore. I wanted to share a fantastic article that I read the other day. This article is about changing your insecure attachment style which is obviously the type I have.    I thought so highly of the information in the article that I am going to purchase one of the books the author suggests. Here is the article:

Rewiring Your Avoidant, Anxious, or Fearful Attachment Style

The best thing to do for your relationships is increase your connection to you.

Posted May 07, 2018

So, you have been reading articles on attachment and realize that you have an insecure attachment style. Now what? People readily see the parts of their styles that are maladaptive and lead to problems in relationships. In order to help people adapt, compensate, and cope with their styles (and those of their friends and family), I have previously (in past posts) described how to:

Cope with emotions and use them as data

Tolerate other people’s behaviors

Choose more supportive environments

Keep yourself from getting emotionally hijacked

Now I am going to present some ways for you to begin rewiring your emotional system and changing your schema, or roadmaps, for what you expect to happen in relation to other people (i.e., your attachment style).

In order to make the most use of this discussion, we first need to cover some material on how the brain works. Have you ever heard that we use only 10 percent of our brains? Well, that is patently false. We use all of our brains most of the time. What the statement really means is that relatively little of our brains is directly involved in what we would consider conscious processing. Most of our brain processes are automatic and are carried out below the level of our conscious awareness. For example, if someone throws a ball at your head, your hand will automatically rise in an effort to catch or block the ball without you having to consciously plan the movement.
The physiological components of the emotional systems similarly operate below the level of conscious awareness. Human emotions are, for the most part, governed by an area of the brain called the limbic system. One of the primary structures implicated in emotional responses, attachment processes, and emotion-laden memories is the amygdala. 

We can use our knowledge of how the amygdala works to shape our own personalities.
The amygdala is an automatic processor and storehouse of emotional memories.When information comes into your brain from your senses, it goes to a relay station called the thalamus. The thalamus sends this information to two places: to your cortex for conscious processing (i.e., you can think about what just happened) and directly to the amygdala for a quick determination of whether the incoming information represents a threat. The amygdala is a “dirty” processor. Its primary job is to make a yes/no decision: threat or no threat. And depending on your attachment style and the sensitivity of your emotional system coming out of childhood, a threat could be the possible loss of a job, real physical threats, raised voices, a potentially rejecting facial expression, or even things that are so subtle you don’t consciously recognize them.
Irrespective of the sources, if a threat is determined, the amygdala triggers an adrenaline release. The amygdala can trigger an adrenaline release before the cortex even has a chance to consciously process what happened. The cortex then makes its own determination about the nature of the threat, and if it agrees that action is warranted, it sends a second message to the amygdala that a threat is present.

Even without an external trigger, your cortex can send threat signals to your amygdala.
Most of us can bring to mind unpleasant or disturbing memories, or we can imagine scary situations that will trigger an emotional reaction. In this case, we are having an emotional reaction to a memory or imagined event that is not actually occurring in the present. Some of us also have daydreamed of achievement and success, or love, or other experiences that can bring positive emotions. The point here is that what our emotional systems respond to is incoming data, but these systems do not care where that data is coming from (real situation or imagination). Because of this, emotional experiences can be modified intentionally by using your imagination and your own voice and words.  
Imagined events can result in the creation of new positive memories.
Take a moment to imagine a dream that you had some time in the past. What you have is a memory of an event that never happened. You literally dreamed it. Taken along with our discussion of emotions, this means that you can intentionally lay down new memories along with associated emotions.
New memories and emotions literally rewire your brain. The brain is very adaptable. Those connections that you use a lot get strengthened. Those that you don’t use get pruned away and weakened. So, if you have been stuck in a cycle of recalling painful memories or imagining anxiety-provoking interactions or heartbreak, these circuits will be well established and readily triggered.
It is time to reverse this trend by solidifying the positive pathways and weakening the negative, anxiety-provoking ones. Repeated positive imaginal experience paired with positive emotions will lay down new memories and activate the pleasure centers in your brain.
Change is not easy. It involves sustained regular practice. Here are some ideas:

1. Write positive affirmation cards on 3x5 index cards. Read them to yourself (preferably out loud) as often as possible.
A positive affirmation is a short, positive statement, like “I am lovable,” or “I am a worthwhile person.” In the beginning, it doesn’t matter if you believe it or not.
If you are like many people, you have had a steady stream of negative thoughts running through your head for years. These negative “tapes” play in the background like nagging chatter. By reading your affirmation cards often, you will simply be recording a new tape.
If you don’t think that repetition results in new tapes being recorded, consider this: I can sing the Pepsi commercial song from 1976 word for word. I recite the Life Cereal commercial word for word (“Hey Mikey!”).  Why are these ads permanently emblazoned in my mind, even though I never tried or wanted to remember them? One reason: sheer repetition. It’s time to record a new jingle!
2. Learn to talk to yourself and be your own positive motivational coach.
Many of us have been criticizing ourselves for years without restraint. When you do this, you are strengthening negative, anxiety-provoking pathways. You must simply refuse to criticize yourself. Don’t worry; it is doubtful that you will overcorrect and become a deluded narcissist. And the world is harsh enough without your help.
Practice saying things like: “I can do this; I’m as skilled as anyone else in this room”; “No one knows I’m anxious”; “I’m going to do great.” Researchers have found that people who are hopeful and optimistic about the future use positive self-talk while engaging in challenging tasks.
Learn to talk to yourself. Believe it nor not, many people report that they do not think in words. If you are going to learn to control your thoughts and think on purpose, you will need to know how to talk to yourself. Here is a tool:
Do a narrated walk. Start while you are still in your house. Say everything (out loud if you can) that you see and experience: “I’m getting up and walking over to the door. One, two, three, four steps. I’m putting my hand on the door knob. It’s cold. I’m walking outside. It's bright out, but still a bit chilly…”
3. Do mirror work.
Go into a room where you will have a reasonable expectation of privacy. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look right into your eyes, and as genuinely as you can, say, “I love you.”
The first time I did this, I couldn’t hold a straight face or keep from laughing. Now, I can look into my own eyes, say this with the utmost sincerity, and have it feel perfectly warm and natural.
Try it. Remember, your emotional system only knows incoming data. It doesn’t know where the data is coming from. Your emotional system will recognize that someone is looking at you and saying, “I love you.” You will be creating a new memory.
People have a wide range of reactions to this task, and I have some clients who can never bring themselves to do it. But look at it this way: If it is meaningless and silly, then why would it be so hard for you to do it?
4. Do imaginal inner child work using creative visualization.
People who have secure styles have a warehouse of memories of people being there to hold and support them through challenges. All told, these memories combine into what can be viewed as an “internalized secure base.” In mild to moderately distressing times, securely attached individuals do not have to reach out for a real person. They can validate and comfort themselves, up-regulate their own emotions, and get themselves going again.
If you are one of the 45 percent who did not get enough secure base memories ingrained in childhood, you can create some new memories now. Obviously, you can use a real secure person as a base if that person happens to be in your life. But if not, then all you have is yourself . . . and that’s good enough.
Get comfortable, relaxed, and ready to do a short meditation. Close your eyes. Imagine seeing yourself as a young child. Often it helps to see your child sitting outside in a meadow. Introduce yourself as the future you. Tell the child that you made it. You grew up. Then tell the child that you have come to love them. That you will always be there for them. That you will never leave them. Listen to see how the child responds. If the child will let you (and they might not at first), hug them. And if it doesn’t work the first time, don’t give up! Keep coming back. After all, you promised that you will always be there.
This is just a sample of the kind of imaginal exercises you can do. For those interested in taking this further, I recommend John Bradshaw’s book, The Homecoming. For more resources on understanding the neurology of your emotional system (in understandable English), I recommend Joseph LeDoux’s books, The Emotional Brain and Synaptic Self.

Fantastic News!!!!

Today I received the greatest news ever! After 6 months in program, I finally found a sponsor!! I am so ecstatic, I cannot even articulate how much. I have struggled to work the steps because I don't know what I am doing in that regard and also because I have never worked any 12 step program before. And I know that in order to achieve true recovery, you need a sponsor to help you in your journey, which includes working the steps. So now I need to set my top, middle, and bottom lines, commit to a very strict 90 days of complete sobriety, and start reading the Big Book. I am ready for all of this to begin! My journey will finally start as well as my healing. I am 100% ready for this committment! One day at a time....

An epiphany has occurred

Today I had an epiphany of epic proportions. I have been discussing relationships with a myriad of people lately and it has made me examine the standards I have for a relationship as well as the traits I am looking for in a man. Although I don't claim to have all of this completely figured out, I do know that my ideals are right for me, especially at this time in my life. Moreover, following Program and its guidelines are paramount to my recovery.
With all of that being said, I have complete faith in the knowledge that when God decides the time is right for me, I will meet a man who has the traits I am looking for and can offer the healthy relationship that I now require. The only thing that I must do is have patience and continue to improve and love myself, one day at a time.

Coveting and fantasizing

I attend church every Sunday and during last Sunday's sermon, my minister was discussing the Ten Commandments. One of these directs us not to covet what our neighbor has. I have been guilty of this all of my life. This is because I always compare myself with others and without fail, come up short. I have learned in the hardest way possible that comparing yourself to others is like falling down a rabbit hole in which you never escape. Because of this, one of my priorities is to reduce and eventually eliminate comparing myself to others.
I have discussed previously my struggle with fantasizing and euphoric recall. None of these things just magically disappear in recovery but they do get easier to manage as time passes.
To summarize, 2 of my most important goals are to stop comparing and fantasizing. Wish me lots of luck!!!

Answers in the Heart

Today I am going to share my daily meditation from July 8 because I am running behind and I need to get ready for bed:

• JULY 8 •
Wisdom rises upon the ruins of folly. — Thomas Fuller

We gain knowledge from other people, but wisdom comes from within. We have to live our own lives, profit from our blunders, and learn from our experience. Nobody can do these things for us. Part of living is making mistakes. And some of us have to keep on making the same mistakes until we suddenly make a breakthrough and achieve a new perspective on ourselves and our actions. It often seems we are never going to be ready for the next step — and then suddenly we take it and we come through. We think we’re not going to make it; then we make a leap forward. Nothing needs to be lost or wasted in our lives. Even the folly of our addiction can teach us hard lessons if we are attentive and brave. Our craziness may help us to see more clearly and gain insight into ourselves and others.

I can use my experience and mistakes to find wisdom and peace.

35 weeks

How ironic that I am going to post the following entry on the 35th week of my sobriety: Addictions are so insidious, they can lay dormant for weeks or even months and then the perfect storm occurs to bring strong cravings back so suddenly that it seems as if you were engaging in acting out just yesterday.
For example, I have done extremely well with my sobriety and recovery. For the most part, I am through active withdrawal and experiencing peace and contentment that eluded me during my days of active addiction. However, I have had the most intense cravings for my most recent qualifier in the past few days and it's so bizarre. Why now, why again when that part of my life is ancient history?
This morning I had such vivid recollections of his physical presence and how I felt when I was with him: his masculinity combined with his height, muscles, chest hair, and large hands drove me wild. It just seems so crappy that the person I have been most attracted to in my life is so toxic for me.
There are 2 reasons that I can think of for these cravings: I have heard that when you are 8-9 months in, you can have recurrent cravings. It's so disturbing. The other reason may be an event taking place in this area this coming weekend that he always attends. Obviously I do not know for sure if he will be attending this year but the fact that he will be fairly near this area is enough to start the cravings, I suppose.

Saving ourselves

I have noticed recently that several of my friends have been struggling with the concept of what a relationship's purpose is. So many people, myself included until last year, use relationships because they erroneously believe their partner will "save" them from their problems. Putting all of that responsibility onto another person is unfair to both parties. First of all, no one wants the burden of being completely responsible for another's well-being, especially to the extent that the other person literally needs you. Second of all, you are selling yourself short by not accepting responsibility and control of your own life. Anyone can do this if they put their minds to it; moreover if one does take this path, words cannot articulate how much peace and serenity you experience by taking control of your own life and not trying to either control or excessively rely on others.
I sincerely believe that these realizations have changed my life and if I wouldn't have been granted the gift of being alone for all of these months, I would never have realized any of these things. I am convinced that this new path will lead me to the partner who I will truly love.

What's worse?

What's worse than dealing with addiction, cravings, and withdrawal? The answer is cancer. While all cancer is horrific, I am specifically thinking about prostate cancer right now. And do you know why that is? My father hasn't had medical tests in several years but just had them done last week. His prostate level readings, known as PSAs, were off the charts high. A normal level is 4 or lower. My dad's is 12. I am not sure what to think, feel, or do. How do I process this or anything else? Right now, I must lean on my faith and God. Sometimes that's your only comfort.

2 meaningful milestones

Today marks not just 1 but 2 impressive milestones on the road to my recovery. Today it has been 8 months since I last had contact with my most recent qualifier. And today it has been 245 days since I last had sex. I am so extremely proud of my recovery, sobriety, and celibacy; I cannot possibly articulate how much! When I first started this program, all I could think of was how long I would have to wait before I could date again. Today I am proud and grateful to report that relationships are no longer the center of my universe. However, I will confess to sometimes missing sex. Sex is a tough addiction to give up!!! Onwards and upwards!

My Sexuality

I want to share today's reading from Answers in the Heart, my daily meditation book for sex and love addicts. Today's entry talks about how one's sexuality is but one part of you, not your end all and be all. I need to remind myself of this daily!

• JULY 5 •
O Body swayed to music, O brightening glance How can we know the dancer from the dance? — W. B. Yeats

Sexuality is not something we do, but it’s part of who we are. We are physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, and spiritual people, and all parts are equally important. To consider sexuality as energy, a state of being, rather than a state of activity, helps us put it back within ourselves as part of our healing and recovery. Part of our challenge as recovering people is to explore what healthy sexuality is and to decide what our values regarding our behavior are. We are responsible only for taking care of ourselves; it is not up to us to decide sexual issues for others or for society. It is more than enough to know our own needs and how we will meet them. We can give ourselves permission to put sexuality in its rightful place. It is an important part of who we are, but only a part and not the whole.

My sexuality is an expression of my spirituality, a part of myself I nurture and love.

Don't Sell Yourself Short

I have been thinking lately about what I have to offer in a relationship vs. what I have historically offered without thinking.
I have many positive qualities including intelligence, motivation, sense of humor, good conversation, optimism, supportive, a good mother and friend, in addition to many more. However, instead of getting to know a man and waiting for him to discover all of these great qualities, I would immediately bring up my prowess in the bedroom. One of my favorite things to mention was my extraordinary talent when it comes to giving blowjobs. Of course, most men loved this and was more than willing to judge my talent. Unfortunately I was selling myself short time and again by engaging in this behavior. In the future, that topic will not even enter into conversation for at least the first few months. My goal is to enter into a healthy relationship no matter how long I must wait.

July 3

• JULY 3 •
The real sin against life is to destroy beauty, even one’s own — even more one’s own, for that has been put in our care, and we are responsible for its well-being. — Katherine Anne Porter

A good way to start each day is by asking, “What can I do to take care of myself today?” To ask and answer that question is to affirm our belief that we’re worth taking care of. It also requires looking within ourselves with honesty. Is it hard to admit we’re struggling with our addiction? Or that we’re feeling sick? Or that such feelings as rage, sorrow, or fear are predominant? Or that we’re working through incest, sexual, physical, or emotional abuse issues? Meeting our needs with gentleness and compassion softens the task of being good to ourselves. It may take a long time of asking, “What can I do to take care of myself?” before we actually know how to or want to. But just as a good parent thinks of how to take care of his or her child, we can learn to do the same for ourselves. Each time we do, we move closer to higher self-esteem.

What can I do to take care of myself today?

The Serenity Prayer

Today was the most horrific day that I have had in quite a long time. All I have for this evening is this:

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy will, not mine, be done.

Making peace with the past

I am participating in a project where I am asked each week to write about a theme in regards to my past relationship with a sociopath. This project will last 8-10 weeks and I have completed 3 entries thus far. The relationship I am writing about technically ended 8 years ago however I had intermittent contact with him up until 2015. Answering these questions and thinking about my past relationships has made me realize just how many relationships that I have been that were toxic. Matter of fact, all of them were to some degree or another. Along with this fact, I realized last summer that I have never actually been in love with someone either. I do not know what true love looks like or feels like.
While I am sad and disappointed that I wasted so much time on all of these unhealthy entanglements, I am extremely grateful that these unhealthy decisions are behind me and I still have plenty of time to experience what I am sure must be the real beauty of true love.