December Gratitude Post #31

I wanted to take a minute to post a few of my 2018 successes in honor of a new year. Obviously one of my biggest accomplishments was starting graduate school and earning a 4.0 while working on average of 50 hours per week. Another huge milestone is my continued sobriety and recovery. I have also maintained my celibacy. Additional achievements include a 50 pound weight loss, not engaging in screaming fights with my son's father, maintaining commitments made to myself such as exercising daily and not drinking, maintaining my boundaries with everyone, and taking the time for plenty of self reflection and examination of relationship patterns. I also do well with self care and spending quality time with my son. Tomorrow night I plan to post my New Year's resolutions. Happy New Year's Eve everyone!

December Gratitude Post #30

Today I am grateful for a book that I recently started reading entitled Self-Compassion. The author of this book is Dr. Kristin Neff and she also maintains a website with the same name (www.self-compassion.org) I am already pretty excited about the concepts so far and I just started. Here is the definition of self-compassion from Dr. Neff's website:

Definition of Self-Compassion:

Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”
Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

December Gratitude Post #29

Today I am grateful for the various stages of my sobriety regarding 3 addictive behaviors that I have engaged in: drinking, smoking, and obviously love and sex addiction. I wanted to report my days of sobriety from each in order to celebrate my success. I have been sober from love and sex addiction for 418 days, I have not drank in 140 days, and I haven't smoked a cigarette in 1800 days. I am proud of each of these achievements for different reasons and each of them is meaningful in their own way.
I feel as if the more days of sobriety I have, the stronger I get with my ability to avoid harmful things or people. That's a huge step for me because for far too many years, I would engage in every harmful behavior that I could. I am extremely proud of myself!

December Gratitude Post #28

Today I am grateful for the fact that I chose a blog topic this morning rather than this evening because I had a pretty awful day. In fact, it was one of the worst days that I have had in a long time. So instead of complaining about my day, I have decided to focus on the positive instead.
I had an epiphany during my morning run which not surprisingly is where I have most of mine. This was regarding the fantasy that I have always held regarding the "love" I always professed to have for my various qualifiers. This epiphany came when I was listening to the song Better Man. As I was analyzing the lyrics, not only did I think about how the men that I dated didn't ever truly love me, I also faced the bitter truth that I didn't truly love them either. This created a deep sense of discomfort for me because of course this is a perfect example of cognitive dissonance. It's one thing to learn the definition in a textbook and have a class discussion about it; it's quite another to live the reality of actually experiencing it. Man, the sense of discomfort that you feel is rather terrifying. I am so blessed that I was given the opportunity to realize the truth and stop living in that decades-old fantasy! Onward and upwards!

December Gratitude Post #27

Today I am grateful for the fact that I have already made 2 New Year's resolutions. The first one is to remain in the present and focus on what is happening here and now rather than obsessing over the past or projecting onto the future. I have been trying to do this for several weeks and it's much harder than one would imagine. However being mindful and making a conscious effort will help me to achieve this resolution. My other resolution is to start trusting my own judgments, opinions, and intuition. For all of my life, I have never done this. Instead I have relied on the input of others to define my reality. I want to internalize the fact that my opinion, judgment, and perception is valid and pretty accurate for the most part. I just needed to stop the chaos in my head in order to hear it.

December Gratitude Post #26

Today I am grateful for maintaining boundaries and bottom lines. I was on a social networking site earlier and this pleasant and intelligent man struck up a conversation with me. All was going well for the first several minutes of the conversation, discussing hobbies and careers. He respected my requested chat parameters that were outlined in my profile. Until he didn't. He started talking about sex and how much difficulty he was having with finding sex with no commitment. He actually came right out and asked me if I had ever had sex without committment after mentioning that he would be traveling to my area for work. I promptly and firmly shut him down, pointing him to other sites that catered to his needs while making it crystal clear that I wasn't interested. After a short period of time, he wished me a good day. I am so proud of myself! Even if he never talks to me again, I stuck to my boundaries and respected myself. Every time I have a successful interaction with a man that doesn't involve acting out, I am becoming stronger and learning something new! 😊

December Gratitude Post #25

Merry Christmas!!! I hope that yours is as blessed and peaceful as mine has been. My son went with his father yesterday evening at 6pm and I have been in my home alone ever since. And I absolutely LOVE it!!! After my son left yesterday, I took a shower and then listened to Christmas music while wrapping presents. This morning I got up early to work on overdue work stuff and then took a nap. I just went for a 3 mile run and now I am getting ready to go to my brother and sister in law's to celebrate Christmas with my father. My son's father will be dropping him off there. This might sound extremely odd but this is one of the best Christmases I have ever had.
I know this post is short but it is sweet and it contains the best message of all: learn to love yourself and be comfortable alone. You will not believe the peace, serenity, and happiness that comes with that! 💓💓💓

December Gratitude Post #24

Although I am sure I write this here far too often, today I am grateful for my ongoing recovery from love and sex addiction. It never fails to impress me especially when I reflect on how far I have come. For example, I just reread my blog entry from December 24, 2017 and I decided to post it below in order to compare and contrast:

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Christmas Eve

I am not too sure what to write about this evening. I am feeling rather melancholy. I have also been feeling sorry for myself the past few days. I am not fine: I feel empty, lonely, and sad. My initial urge is to go find a man to help me feel better but I know that truly won't help anything. I also know that I don't like feeling this way and I wonder how much longer I will have to wait before I feel better? This isn't about men or relationships; it never really has been. (Although I thought it was for many, many years.) It is about me never being okay with myself!

Lisa Marie Cook at 10:15 PM

The difference between one year ago and today is staggering! Not only is my mood much better but I feel much more comfortable with being present for myself and valuing the time I spend alone. For example, on this Christmas Eve, I am home alone, listening to Christmas music and wrapping presents. I am feeling content and at peace, with no traces of self pity or sadness. As I sit here this evening, I am reminded of all the blessings in my life that I have been so fortunate for God to grant me. I am so happy that the Lisa from one year ago has been replaced with a person who is satisfied with herself and her life and trusts that things are happening in just the way they were meant to. And that my dear readers is most certainly a Christmas miracle! 😊

December Gratitude Post #23

Today I am grateful for my increased sense of self respect. I read an excellent article today regarding self respect and I decided to do a Google search for more information. A lack of self respect has always been a constant struggle for me but one that I am improving daily. From candaceplattor.com:

The Secret of Self-Respect: We Teach Other People How to Treat Us

November 13, 2013 by Candace Plattor

Well-known TV icon Dr. Phil is revered by many, and repelled by others. Personally, I find that his down-home country “charm” is often marred by a disturbing arrogance that he, at times, spews onto his guests. Although I agree that sometimes only speaking our truth will do, I also believe that doing this compassionately will go a lot farther with most people than a display of abusive entitlement—especially for the sake of TV ratings.
However, that being said, sometimes Dr. Phil comes up with wonderful sayings and slogans, such as his classic “How’s THAT been workin’ for ya?” It’s a great question, designed to keep us on track in our lives—because if the way we’ve been doing something isn’t working, it could very well be time to try another way.
The other Dr. Phil-ism I like and use a lot—in both my personal and professional lives—is this one: We teach other people how to treat us. I absolutely believe this to be true, although there can be a variety of reasons for the ways we choose to do that. I like this saying because, when we can take responsibility for our part in any abuse we’re receiving from others, it takes us out of a ‘victim’ stance and allows us to see what we actually are able to change—ourselves.
 
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-RESPECT
I talk about self-respect a lot with my clients. When they ask me what the difference is between self-respect and self-esteem, I am sometimes at a loss as to how to explain that. But I definitely know there is an important difference, and in my experience I believe most people intuitively know that as well.
The best way I know to distinguish between them is as follows:
Self-esteem is that feeling of knowing we can conduct ourselves well out there in the world. For example, we may know that we are good at our job, or that our families are thriving due to our leadership. We may have a good grasp on how to budget our time and/or money, and our relationships with friends and family may be mostly positive and nurturing. Outwardly, we are successful in at least some of the ways our society defines success, and that contributes to our self-esteem.
But I believe that it’s very possible to experience self-esteem while having very little self-respect. To me, self-respect is that deeper, inner feeling we have about ourselves. In the same way that self-esteem is earned, by proving to ourselves that we can achieve positive results in our various life tasks, self-respect is also earned—it’s an ‘inside job’ that nobody can do for us. Self-respect is not something we can buy in the 7-11, nor can another person bestow it upon us. In fact, when other people respect us but we don’t respect ourselves, it’s very difficult to let that positive attention in. It’s not until we truly love and respect ourselves, that we can begin to believe that we are worthy of another person’s love and respect.
The only way to have self-respect is to earn it—by continuing to do the next right thing. Self-respect is perhaps the most important thing we either have or don’t have, because it forms the keystone of how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. I believe that every decision we make in life—without exception—stems from our level of self-respect, and nothing is more important than that.
 
HOW TO DEVELOP SELF-RESPECT
The good news is that it’s really not that difficult to develop our self-respect. I believe that when we’re not treating ourselves well, on some level deep inside we know that. Because we can’t heal anything about ourselves that we’re not aware of, we need to be on the look-out for those times when we don’t feel good about ourselves.
Here is an easy gauge to see how well you’re faring in terms of your self-respect. Ask yourself this question, and be willing to look honestly at your answers:
“What do I need to do, and what do I need to NOT do, to be able to really look honestly at myself and be okay with who I see?”
Each time you ask yourself that question, listen for your true answer and actually base your behavior on what you have heard. If you do this regularly, you will build up your self-respect—as well as your self-trust—because this will become the foundation for all of your interactions, whether you are aware of that at the time or not.
This may be a difficult change for you to make, especially if you are used to pleasing others instead of yourself. Your personal challenge may lie in learning how to put yourself first without feeling guilty or “selfish.” But if you continue to put others first while feeling resentful or badly about yourself for doing that, your self-respect will inevitably suffer.

So here is the choice-point—what is more important to you: having other people like you or liking yourself?
When you find yourself involved in situations where you experience some negative feelings about yourself such as guilt, shame, or self-inflicted anger, here are some questions you might ask yourself in order to become more aware of your self-respect level:

What behavior of my own may have contributed to my feeling this way about myself?

What can I do differently next time, so that I can respect myself more in a similar situation?

Is there anyone I need to talk with so that I can resolve or feel better about what happened?

Can I be more gentle with myself and understand that I’m going to make mistakes—and hopefully learn from them?

 
WE TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US
When we fully understand that we teach other people how to treat us—either by how we treat them or how they see us treating ourselves—we can learn to change our own behaviors and obtain different, healthier results.
Because the only things we can change already reside within us—such as our choices, our decisions, our attitudes toward ourselves and life in general—we can come out of our feelings of ‘victim’ by acknowledging that we do actually have control over many aspects of our lives.
So the next time you say yes to someone when you really want to say no, be aware that you may be teaching that person that it’s ok to take you for granted and treat you poorly. The next time you are spoken to in a disrespectful manner and you choose to accept that by staying silent rather than standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, see if you can remind yourself that you can indeed make another choice and teach that person to treat you differently.
Remember—you alone are in control of yourself and of your life choices. And to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt’s wonderful comment, no one can make you feel badly about yourself without your permission.

December Gratitude Post #22

Today I am grateful for time and patience which historically I have not done well with. It has only been within the past year that I have realized that both of these things are key to having a happy and fulfilling life. Check out this inspiring article posted on bolde.com:

Why You Need To Be Patient In The Search For Love

By Andrea Wesley

Looking for love can be a lengthy and exhausting process. While some people seem to fall into loving relationships easily and without much effort, others find it incredibly difficult to find “The One.” Finding love that will last takes time and patience, but it’ll be worth it in the end.
1. YOU WANT A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT.Sometimes we feel like love is the be all, end all of our existence —especially as we get older and it seems to be shoved in our faces from all directions. But some people just aren’t meant for an easy journey to forever, and you don’t want to hurry the process by sprinting through the finish line. You want the marathon — the one you train for, sweat for, and the one that will feel gruelingly satisfying at the finish line.

2. YOU DON’T WANT TO JUST SETTLE.Being in a hurry for a relationship can cause you to make crappy choices about who you date, because you’re more likely to take just about anyone who seems decent enough to avoid the feelings of loneliness. You’re better than that, and you deserve better.

3. YOU NEED TO GO THROUGH CHALLENGES TO APPRECIATE THE END REWARD.You’ve heard the quote, “Life only gives its hardest battles to its toughest soldiers.” You’ll be wounded in battle, and you’ll think you can’t go any further, but during that fight you’re going to learn a lot about yourself. Embrace it and take the lessons forward with you, because they’ll only make what you have to give that much stronger.

4. RUSHING THROUGH ANYTHING NEVER GETS THE BEST RESULTS.When have you ever rushed anything and gotten the absolute best results you’re capable of? The longer you wait, the purer the love will feel. There’ll be nothing obstructing your logic if you’ve spent real time and effort on holding out for the results you truly want.

5. YOU’VE GOT TIME.I know it seems like your time is running out and that you’ve got to lock things down soon, but that’s not the case. These days, it’s not uncommon to see people finally meeting their perfect match well into their 30s. Stop feeling like you need to satisfy timetables or feeling like you’ve failed somewhere along the way. You haven’t failed. As long as you’re still breathing, you have plenty of time, and you’ll get there.

6. PATIENCE WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER. It’s true that patience is a virtue, and although it’s excruciatingly hard to practice at times when it comes to love, it only makes you stronger in the process. When you’re patient, you have more time to appreciate the moments as they are instead of living in a constant state of anxiety about the future, and that can only make the love you’re waiting for feel even better when it finally arrives.

7. YOU ALREADY HAVE LOVE.If you really think about it, we all have love in our lives, even if it’s not necessarily with a boyfriend or the husband you’re hope for. You’ve got the love of your friends, your family, and your own love for yourself in the meantime. Never diminish the importance of that.

December Gratitude Post #21

Today I am extremely grateful for so many things which aren't necessarily all connected. First and foremost, I am grateful for my son. He is so sweet, caring, and considerate plus he has awesome manners for a 6 year old! Also, I am thankful for my physical health, especially my advanced fitness level. For example, I ran 3 miles today and then this evening, I went to buy another TV because my old one died. It is a 50 inch smart TV and I purchased it (obviously), carried it into the house, and assembled it all on my own. I don't need a man to buy, carry, or put anything together for me because I am killing it!
One last thing that I am extremely proud of is the fact that I got a 4.0 for my first semester of grad school even while working at least 50 hours each week. My opinion of myself is getting higher by the day! :-)

December Gratitude Post #20

Today is my 40th birthday. To celebrate this huge milestone, I found the most inspiring article on Lifehack.org:

8 Things You Can Only Learn By Turning 40

By: Amanda Maguire

Many people in our society fear turning 40, because of the huge pressure on both men and women to stay young-looking. Our society is still very youth oriented. Age and wisdom aren’t valued in the same way as they are in some cultures. Women; especially, are surrounded by messages from the media that a woman should stay young and beautiful, so getting older can symbolize a loss of their attractiveness . However, those who have passed the 40 mark can tell you that it’s not something to be afraid of. It’s something to celebrate!
This list shows some of the most important things learned by people who have said hello to 40.

1. Age is Just a Mindset

How you live determines how old you feel. You’ve probably seen 30-year-olds who look like they’re 50. They mope around like life has beaten them down, and there’s nothing left but to shrivel up and die. By contrast, there are plenty of examples of vibrant 50 and 60 year olds who glow with joy and enthusiasm about life. 40 year olds who have lived to tell about it will say that 40 is just the beginning!

 2. The Gift of Confidence

Let’s face it. Most people spend their twenties trying to figure out who they are and where they belong, while falling down and making plenty of mistakes in the process. By the time you’re 40, all of that is behind you. You’ve learned from your mistakes, found your niche, and you’ve got the experience and confidence that you learned from surviving the tough decades of the 20s and 30s. .

3. Your Wild and Crazy Days Are Over

You’ve done your share of hanging out in bars till 3 a.m (and struggling through work next day with the hangover), standing in line to see the latest trendy band, and chasing excitement with your posse of cool friends. Following trends is a thing of the past. As a mature adult, you lead a balanced life that doesn’t include weekday hangovers. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

4. Goodbye to Drama and the People Who Create it

By the time you’re 40, you’ve figured out the people who are basically toxic, and who you need to avoid. The friend who has her nineteenth nervous breakdown when the married man she’s been dating off and on for three years finally calls it quits. You listen to her for hours, but she never takes responsibility or tries to change. Or the neighbor who does nothing but complain. According to her, she is a victim of fate, and she too will talk endlessly about her problems without stopping to ask how your day is going. By the time you are 40 or beyond, you know how to recognize the people who are like a vortex of negativity — and now you know how to avoid them.
 

5. You Don’t Change Yourself to Be Liked

When you are younger, you’re willing to go along with the crowd. Fitting in and being liked used to be more important than expressing your true self. Now you have confidence that you are okay just the way you are. The people who matter appreciate you for who you are.

6. You’ve Learned That “No” Is a Complete Sentence

You may have put up with mistreatment from significant others while you were still learning. Sometimes being in a relationship meant letting people walk all over you. Sometimes it meant spending time with people who criticized you, and took advantage of your generosity. It made you comfortable when they used you for your willingness to accommodate requests. Now you know that you are allowed to set boundaries, not waste your time, and protect your self-esteem.

7. You’re Comfortable in Your Own Skin

You have the wisdom to ignore magazines and images in the media that try to tell you who you should be. You’ve made yourself into the best you can be. You are full of your own inner beauty and confidence.

8. The Best Years Are Ahead of You

Who ever said that 40 was old? This is the best time of your life. You’ve got confidence, wisdom, and experience. You’ve found your niche in the world, and you aren’t afraid to try new things. You know that the world is full of new adventures, and you’re excited to see what the years ahead have in store for you!

December Gratitude Post #19

On the eve of my 40th birthday, I am grateful for the following: my son, my family and friends, my health, my sobriety, my job, my education, my motivation, my perseverance, my determination, my intelligence, my sense of humor, my commitment to self care, and so many other things. Although life can be difficult and draining sometimes, I must remember that overall my life is great and I am accomplishing things that I once only dreamed of or never imagined myself doing at all. In fact, my life now is so drastically different than what it was even 5 years ago, it's hard for me to believe I am the same person.
And because of my sobriety, I have learned a great deal about myself and past relationship patterns in the past year. I am getting to know and love myself and that is the greatest gift of all!!! ❤

December Gratitude Post #18

Today I am grateful for my commitment to good self care. For those of us who work in mental health, the idea of self care gets tossed around quite a bit and most people understand the basic concept. I have definitely made an improvement in this area of my life since I have been in recovery. If something or someone is bad for me, I do my best to avoid it/them. I make my best attempt to get an adequate amount of sleep, exercise, healthy food, and water to drink. I reach out for support when I need to and I have been making an effort to live in the present. Here's a great self care article that I found on psychcentral.com:

What Self-Care Is — and What It Isn’t

By Raphailia Michael, MA 
 

When asked the question: “Do you take care of yourself?” most of us will answer “yes” — we’d even think, “What kind of question is this? Of course, I care about myself.”
When asked, “In what ways do you take care of yourself?” — well, that’s where the tricky part begins.
What is self-care?
Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Although it’s a simple concept in theory, it’s something we very often overlook. Good self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good relationship with oneself and others.
What isn’t self-care?
Knowing what self-care is not might be even more important. It is not something that we force ourselves to do, or something we don’t enjoy doing. As Agnes Wainman explained, self-care is “something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.”
Self-care isn’t a selfish act either. It is not only about considering our needs; it is rather about knowing what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves, being subsequently, able to take care of others as well. That is, if I don’t take enough care of myself, I won’t be in the place to give to my loved ones either.
In a few words, self-care is the key to living a balanced life
Where do you start? Well, there are three golden rules:

Stick to the basics. Over time you will find your own rhythm and routine. You will be able to implement more and identify more particular forms of self-care that work for you.

Self-care needs to be something you actively plan, rather than something that just happens. It is an active choice and you must treat it as such. Add certain activities to your calendar, announce your plans to others in order to increase your commitment, and actively look for opportunities to practice self-care.

What I often emphasize to my clients is that keeping a conscious mind is what counts. In other words if you don’t see something as self-care or don’t do something in order to take care of yourself, it won’t work as such. Be aware of what you do, why you do it, how it feels, and what the outcomes are.

Although self-care means different things to different people, there’s a basic checklist that can be followed by all of us:

Create a “no” list, with things you know you don’t like or you no longer want to do. Examples might include: Not checking emails at night, not attending gatherings you don’t like, not answering your phone during lunch/dinner.

Promote a nutritious, healthy diet.

Get enough sleep. Adults usually need 7-8 hours of sleep each night.

Exercise. In contrast to what many people think, exercise is as good for our emotional health as it is for our physical health. It increases serotonin levels, leading to improved mood and energy. In line with the self-care conditions, what’s important is that you choose a form of exercise that you like!

Follow-up with medical care. It is not unusual to put off checkups or visits to the doctor.

Use relaxation exercises and/or practice meditation. You can do these exercises at any time of the day.

Spend enough time with your loved ones.

Do at least one relaxing activity every day, whether it’s taking a walk or spending 30 minutes unwinding.

Do at least one pleasurable activity every day; from going to the cinema, to cooking or meeting with friends.

Look for opportunities to laugh!

Set up a 15-day self-care routine and see how you feel before and after. And never forget: As with everything, self-care takes practice!

December Gratitude Post #17

Today I am grateful for the epiphany that I had this morning regarding my past relationships. Most every man I have ever been in a relationship with treated me badly and I always took that as a sign that I wasn't good enough. It didn't occur to me until this morning that they treated me like I was worthless because that's how I treated myself. I never set boundaries with them nor did I ever assert myself when they treated me badly. More or less they treated me however they wished and I would continue seeking them out and kissing their asses, among other things.
I know it seems like such a simple concept but to me this was a major realization: I was never worthless. And the only reason they thought I was is because they were just following my lead. The best lessons I have ever learned in my life were also the hardest ones...

December Gratitude Post #16

Today I am grateful for the fact that I am single during this time of recovery in my program. I called into a meeting tonight for the first time in a few months and of course I got something out of it. One of the topics focused on was how fulfilling and less distracting one's recovery is if not involved in a current relationship. I find it very interesting how at the beginning of my journey I wondered just how on earth I was going to survive being all alone and having no one who I could fantasize about "saving me". For months, I was in pain and struggling to see how this program would ever help me. As I continue my recovery, I have become increasingly aware of how often I do not focus on the present. Lately that has been one of my major goals. It has been working because for the most part, I have been experiencing a more content and peaceful mind. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to put all of this time into healing myself. Perhaps someday someone will come along with whom I will connect with but for now, I love my life and myself as is.

December Gratitude Post #15

Even though it has been and continues to be a sometimes painful and difficult process, I am grateful for the opportunity to define and validate myself without the assistance of a significant other. I have recently realized that I had no sense of self established because I have always adopted the personas that I thought men wanted me to have. It wasn't even me not being myself because I didn't even know who I was to begin with. While it can be terrifying to navigate life without a partner, it's necessary for me to do so in order to fully realize who I am. I know it's a cliche but it's true. I won't be ready to enter into a relationship until I have firmly established boundaries and a firm sense of my identity and what's important to me. Also, when I can be certain that I won't abandon those things for the "relationship of my dreams", I know I will be ready to finally pursue a healthy relationship for the first time in my life.

December Gratitude Post #14

Today I am grateful that I no longer cry on a regular basis. I was putting lotion on my face this morning before work and I realized how often during my acting out times I would wake up with swollen eyes from bawling the night before. It was always douchebag man related unfortunately. It feels beyond fantastic to be free of those emotional chains. Also, I wanted to share my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because I think it's applicable to my December theme.

DECEMBER 14
If you scatter thorns, don’t go barefoot. — Italian proverb

When we’re feeling, thinking, or behaving negatively, a way to change is to choose its opposite: we can counter dishonesty with honesty, fear with trust, and self-hatred with compassion for ourselves. We can let go of rage by admitting our needs. Rather than resentment, we can choose gratitude. Developing positive feelings and behavior generates serenity and prepares us for the decision to turn our will over to our Higher Power. It also keeps us in the present, giving us power to make decisions without the preoccupation that comes with negativity. As we bring ourselves back to the positive during the day, we can do it with gentleness. We will be amazed as positive feelings and actions become alive within us and become our reality.

While taking inventory today, I can list the negative feelings I struggle with and the positive ones that will counteract them.

December Gratitude Post #13

Today I am grateful that I never gave up on myself. No matter the long list of people who did or the horrible things I went through, deep down I never gave up the belief that I could be more, do more, have more if only I could start fulfilling my highest possible potential. And even though this evening I am exhausted because of work and school, I will say this: the exhaustion, hard work, and late nights/early mornings have been worth it. No one can say as they have in the past that I am lazy, not contributing to society, or making a difference in the world. And that is more than worth every single effort that I have to make.

December Gratitude Post #12

Today I am grateful for the SLAA program. Not only because it has added so much to my life but also because it's a beacon of hope when I start to struggle. Let me explain: tomorrow night is my final class of the semester and as a result, I will have much more free time in the next 3 weeks than I have had in months. So of course where do my thoughts turn as soon as I am not preoccupied with all of the tasks I have been? Yep, you guessed it: MEN!!!
Last night before I went to sleep, I was having thoughts and fantasies that I haven't experienced in months. And these were strong as well, not just fleeting as they have been. Part of the reason for these thoughts is my brain trying to trick me into acting out because it has been so long since I engaged in contact with a man. The other part is that I am anticipating all of this free time that I have coming up and my thoughts automatically go to my addiction.
However, I have decided that I am not going to thwart my hard work and all of my progress. Instead I will start calling into meetings again and work on Step work that was assigned to me by my sponsor months ago. I will contact her to review my Step work and start working my program. Also, I plan to return to church as well as spending time with my son and catching up on books and TV shows. I will relax and enjoy myself WITHOUT engaging in unhealthy behaviors.

December Gratitude Post #11

Today I am grateful for 400 days of not acting out. I can scarcely believe that I have made it this far. It seems both like yesterday and many years ago in which I was on day 1 of my sobriety. I have learned so much about myself since I discovered why I had been acting the way I was for so many years. I have faced some things that I already knew and other things that I never would have dreamed of.
The further I get in my recovery, the stronger I am getting and the more my self confidence is increasing. I have decided that in addition to not allowing men to treat me poorly, I am not allowing ANYONE ever again to treat me poorly. And perhaps that is one of the main lessons that I had to learn throughout my addiction and subsequent recovery: if you don't truly value yourself, no one else will. You must be your own best friend and have your own back. If you do, everything else will fall into place. I think that's a pretty fantastic lesson to have learned on the eve of my 40th birthday! 😊

December Gratitude Post #10

Today I am grateful for my newfound commitment to sticking up for myself if I feel I have been wronged in some way. Last week I had an incident at work in which I felt this way and today I brought the issue up with my boss in our weekly meeting. I was not aggressive or confrontational but I did make her aware that I felt attacked on some level. I did not expect much in the way of resolution however I was extraordinarily proud of myself for having the courage to bring it to her attention. Not so long ago, I wouldn't have said a word. And going forward I need to keep in mind that I can't take anything that happens there personally. I am grateful that for the first time in my life I am being true to myself. For me, that's a pretty major accomplishment!!!

December Gratitude Post #9

Today I am grateful for the wonderful opportunity that I have been given to attend graduate school. My last class of the semester is on Thursday evening and I am pretty danged proud of myself for making it through my first semester with very good grades and while working more than full time hours. I am really thankful that I will have a 3 week break from classes before I start my next semester because I am truly exhausted. I slept as much as I could this weekend but I am still tired and didn't get any of my work documentation caught up. Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself that I get sad and discouraged if I don't get everything all done perfectly. I am feeling some self pity tonight because of various issues, the above reason included. I think I am going to go to bed super early tonight, apparently I really need the rest!

December Gratitude Post #8

Today I am most grateful for the newest milestone that I met today: I have been celibate for a total of 400 days. As I may have mentioned before, this is the longest period of time that I have gone without sex since I lost my virginity 22 years ago. And although I have gone without sex in the past albeit for shorter periods of time, this is the first time that I haven't felt self pity in doing so. Because I am a huge fan of self reflection, I was thinking about my celibacy earlier and pondering how long this new lifestyle of mine will last. I am not sure when God will deem me ready for a healthy and loving partnership however I do know that I will never again settle for the garbage that I did in the past. And forget having sex and throwing myself at men that just used me and treated me like less than pond scum. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I value myself and realize that I deserve much more than I ever settled for. That in and of itself is a success.

December Gratitude Post #7

Today I am grateful for the renewed connection that I have established with my son since I have been in recovery. Although I have to focus on both work and school, I have so much more time to devote to my son now. Even when I am completing school and work tasks, I still have the attention available to focus on my son's wants and needs rather than being consumed with my own obsessions and fantasies regarding whatever man I happen to have in my sights. I never realized how truly blessed I would be by the gifts of recovery. Honestly when I started this journey I thought I would be miserable and lonely, anticipating when I could start dating again. It took me many painful months to get to this point but I am extremely thankful that I did. I love my son so very much and I value every moment that I get to spend with him.

December Gratitude Post #6

Today I am grateful for the newfound commitment that I have made to myself that I will not allow myself to be treated poorly by anyone, including my boss, family, nor anyone else. Earlier during my morning run, I was reflecting on the fact that I turn 40 years old 2 weeks from today and I have allowed myself to be abused, trampled on, discarded, and an entire plethora of other horrible things throughout most of my life.
That madness was over when I stopped acting out in my addiction. Historically I would allow men (especially those that I was attracted to) to get away with treating me however they liked. And to a certain extent I was aware of this propensity. It has only been recently now that my focus is off men can I see that I had been allowing myself to be treated poorly by almost everyone including people I didn't even know.
So the main point of my blog post this evening is that I just wanted it to be in writing that I owe my loyalty to myself first and foremost, followed by those people who have shown me their loyalty and trustworthiness. #strongwoman #takenoshit #ifyouredisrespectful #youregone

December Gratitude Post #5

Today I am grateful for the fact that I made a valiant attempt to stick up for myself with a few people including my ex-husband and my boss. I stood my ground with my ex when he attempted to control me like I had allowed him to do in the past. He did something this morning that I felt was inherently wrong and then I took the steps I felt were necessary. He didn't like losing control and started screaming. At work, my boss humiliated and belittled me during our Wednesday afternoon meeting. It was pretty brutal. There was a time in the not so distant past where I would have broken down in front of her but I did not do so this time. I gave her sarcasm and stuck up for myself. Last but not least, I fell on the ice in my driveway and landed on my back and head. I have been doing my best to avoid self-pity ever since it happened. Because I am beyond over this day, I am going to bed.

December Gratitude Post #4

Today I am grateful for the fact that I have been given the gift of changing my life before the age of 40. Many times, people are not given this blessing or sometimes they are with very little time to spare. Obviously I can't predict what will happen tomorrow but I do know that if I live a long life, I will not squander it nor waste any of the precious gifts that God has given me. And that's what I have tried to do in my recovery thus far. You never know if today will be your last or what tomorrow holds. However, I do know that I will never again allow anyone to treat me in such a way as to take away my self respect or dignity. Because believe me, it's far too much of a price to pay.

December Gratitude Post #3

Today I am grateful for solitude. I have noticed that many people are afraid and sometimes petrified to be alone and they will do whatever they can or use any person, substance, or method to escape from themselves. I completely understand this mindset because at one time, I was the same way. One of the many blessings of recovery is that this fear is now a thing of the past. If I have a long and stressful day at work (which I did today) and I arrive home to the beautiful sound of silence, I consider it to be a peaceful benefit of living alone. I am free to enjoy blissful silence in which to work, reflect, or savor my own company. Not only is my solitude a blessing but the fact that I consider solitude a blessing is in and of itself quite the blessing indeed!

December Gratitude Post #2

Today I am grateful for the positive and successful direction that my life has gone in the past year. I was thinking about the main thing that's different now and I think I figured it out: I actually have a real purpose. And what would be most shocking to the Lisa from 20 years ago is that my purpose does not involve loving or being loved by a man. It involves loving myself and getting to know who I am. It means creating a life I love by surrounding myself with great people, focusing on my career and further education, and practicing self-care each day. It means being present in every moment and giving my full attention to the current task and not missing out on my awesome life because I am distracted by an emotionally unavailable man. It's all so much more than I dreamed could be possible. I LOVE myself and my life! ❤❤❤

December Gratitude Post #1

I have decided that starting with today's post, I will do a daily gratitude entry for the entire month of December. I made this decision because this time of the year seems magical and is filled with family, friends, music, love, and laughter. The other reason I decided to do this is because I turn 40 this month and I can't think of a better way to celebrate than by listing all the blessings in my life, of which I have so many. Here we go!

Today I am grateful for my son who is truly my greatest blessing. My son is sensitive, caring, loving, empathetic, intelligent, funny, conscientious, happy, outgoing, and so much more. My son was born 9 weeks early and only weighed 3 pounds, 11 ounces. He was born in Pittsburgh because he was born so early and had to stay in the hospital for one month before he was finally released to come home. I underwent a C-section delivery and when he was born, he did not cry because he was not breathing. I had 2 other pregnancies before him: the first one was a miscarriage and the second was a stillborn son, born at 29 weeks. Many children who are born that early are discharged with various medical equipment due to their health issues. My son was extremely fortunate to leave the hospital without any medical concerns. My son is truly a miracle in every sense of the word and he is without question my #1 priority. I love him more than I thought I could ever love anyone! 💓