December Gratitude Post #31

I wanted to take a minute to post a few of my 2018 successes in honor of a new year. Obviously one of my biggest accomplishments was starting graduate school and earning a 4.0 while working on average of 50 hours per week. Another huge milestone is my continued sobriety and recovery. I have also maintained my celibacy. Additional achievements include a 50 pound weight loss, not engaging in screaming fights with my son's father, maintaining commitments made to myself such as exercising daily and not drinking, maintaining my boundaries with everyone, and taking the time for plenty of self reflection and examination of relationship patterns. I also do well with self care and spending quality time with my son. Tomorrow night I plan to post my New Year's resolutions. Happy New Year's Eve everyone!

December Gratitude Post #30

Today I am grateful for a book that I recently started reading entitled Self-Compassion. The author of this book is Dr. Kristin Neff and she also maintains a website with the same name (www.self-compassion.org) I am already pretty excited about the concepts so far and I just started. Here is the definition of self-compassion from Dr. Neff's website:

Definition of Self-Compassion:

Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”
Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

December Gratitude Post #29

Today I am grateful for the various stages of my sobriety regarding 3 addictive behaviors that I have engaged in: drinking, smoking, and obviously love and sex addiction. I wanted to report my days of sobriety from each in order to celebrate my success. I have been sober from love and sex addiction for 418 days, I have not drank in 140 days, and I haven't smoked a cigarette in 1800 days. I am proud of each of these achievements for different reasons and each of them is meaningful in their own way.
I feel as if the more days of sobriety I have, the stronger I get with my ability to avoid harmful things or people. That's a huge step for me because for far too many years, I would engage in every harmful behavior that I could. I am extremely proud of myself!

December Gratitude Post #28

Today I am grateful for the fact that I chose a blog topic this morning rather than this evening because I had a pretty awful day. In fact, it was one of the worst days that I have had in a long time. So instead of complaining about my day, I have decided to focus on the positive instead.
I had an epiphany during my morning run which not surprisingly is where I have most of mine. This was regarding the fantasy that I have always held regarding the "love" I always professed to have for my various qualifiers. This epiphany came when I was listening to the song Better Man. As I was analyzing the lyrics, not only did I think about how the men that I dated didn't ever truly love me, I also faced the bitter truth that I didn't truly love them either. This created a deep sense of discomfort for me because of course this is a perfect example of cognitive dissonance. It's one thing to learn the definition in a textbook and have a class discussion about it; it's quite another to live the reality of actually experiencing it. Man, the sense of discomfort that you feel is rather terrifying. I am so blessed that I was given the opportunity to realize the truth and stop living in that decades-old fantasy! Onward and upwards!

December Gratitude Post #27

Today I am grateful for the fact that I have already made 2 New Year's resolutions. The first one is to remain in the present and focus on what is happening here and now rather than obsessing over the past or projecting onto the future. I have been trying to do this for several weeks and it's much harder than one would imagine. However being mindful and making a conscious effort will help me to achieve this resolution. My other resolution is to start trusting my own judgments, opinions, and intuition. For all of my life, I have never done this. Instead I have relied on the input of others to define my reality. I want to internalize the fact that my opinion, judgment, and perception is valid and pretty accurate for the most part. I just needed to stop the chaos in my head in order to hear it.

December Gratitude Post #26

Today I am grateful for maintaining boundaries and bottom lines. I was on a social networking site earlier and this pleasant and intelligent man struck up a conversation with me. All was going well for the first several minutes of the conversation, discussing hobbies and careers. He respected my requested chat parameters that were outlined in my profile. Until he didn't. He started talking about sex and how much difficulty he was having with finding sex with no commitment. He actually came right out and asked me if I had ever had sex without committment after mentioning that he would be traveling to my area for work. I promptly and firmly shut him down, pointing him to other sites that catered to his needs while making it crystal clear that I wasn't interested. After a short period of time, he wished me a good day. I am so proud of myself! Even if he never talks to me again, I stuck to my boundaries and respected myself. Every time I have a successful interaction with a man that doesn't involve acting out, I am becoming stronger and learning something new! 😊

December Gratitude Post #25

Merry Christmas!!! I hope that yours is as blessed and peaceful as mine has been. My son went with his father yesterday evening at 6pm and I have been in my home alone ever since. And I absolutely LOVE it!!! After my son left yesterday, I took a shower and then listened to Christmas music while wrapping presents. This morning I got up early to work on overdue work stuff and then took a nap. I just went for a 3 mile run and now I am getting ready to go to my brother and sister in law's to celebrate Christmas with my father. My son's father will be dropping him off there. This might sound extremely odd but this is one of the best Christmases I have ever had.
I know this post is short but it is sweet and it contains the best message of all: learn to love yourself and be comfortable alone. You will not believe the peace, serenity, and happiness that comes with that! 💓💓💓

December Gratitude Post #24

Although I am sure I write this here far too often, today I am grateful for my ongoing recovery from love and sex addiction. It never fails to impress me especially when I reflect on how far I have come. For example, I just reread my blog entry from December 24, 2017 and I decided to post it below in order to compare and contrast:

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Christmas Eve

I am not too sure what to write about this evening. I am feeling rather melancholy. I have also been feeling sorry for myself the past few days. I am not fine: I feel empty, lonely, and sad. My initial urge is to go find a man to help me feel better but I know that truly won't help anything. I also know that I don't like feeling this way and I wonder how much longer I will have to wait before I feel better? This isn't about men or relationships; it never really has been. (Although I thought it was for many, many years.) It is about me never being okay with myself!

Lisa Marie Cook at 10:15 PM

The difference between one year ago and today is staggering! Not only is my mood much better but I feel much more comfortable with being present for myself and valuing the time I spend alone. For example, on this Christmas Eve, I am home alone, listening to Christmas music and wrapping presents. I am feeling content and at peace, with no traces of self pity or sadness. As I sit here this evening, I am reminded of all the blessings in my life that I have been so fortunate for God to grant me. I am so happy that the Lisa from one year ago has been replaced with a person who is satisfied with herself and her life and trusts that things are happening in just the way they were meant to. And that my dear readers is most certainly a Christmas miracle! 😊

December Gratitude Post #23

Today I am grateful for my increased sense of self respect. I read an excellent article today regarding self respect and I decided to do a Google search for more information. A lack of self respect has always been a constant struggle for me but one that I am improving daily. From candaceplattor.com:

The Secret of Self-Respect: We Teach Other People How to Treat Us

November 13, 2013 by Candace Plattor

Well-known TV icon Dr. Phil is revered by many, and repelled by others. Personally, I find that his down-home country “charm” is often marred by a disturbing arrogance that he, at times, spews onto his guests. Although I agree that sometimes only speaking our truth will do, I also believe that doing this compassionately will go a lot farther with most people than a display of abusive entitlement—especially for the sake of TV ratings.
However, that being said, sometimes Dr. Phil comes up with wonderful sayings and slogans, such as his classic “How’s THAT been workin’ for ya?” It’s a great question, designed to keep us on track in our lives—because if the way we’ve been doing something isn’t working, it could very well be time to try another way.
The other Dr. Phil-ism I like and use a lot—in both my personal and professional lives—is this one: We teach other people how to treat us. I absolutely believe this to be true, although there can be a variety of reasons for the ways we choose to do that. I like this saying because, when we can take responsibility for our part in any abuse we’re receiving from others, it takes us out of a ‘victim’ stance and allows us to see what we actually are able to change—ourselves.
 
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-RESPECT
I talk about self-respect a lot with my clients. When they ask me what the difference is between self-respect and self-esteem, I am sometimes at a loss as to how to explain that. But I definitely know there is an important difference, and in my experience I believe most people intuitively know that as well.
The best way I know to distinguish between them is as follows:
Self-esteem is that feeling of knowing we can conduct ourselves well out there in the world. For example, we may know that we are good at our job, or that our families are thriving due to our leadership. We may have a good grasp on how to budget our time and/or money, and our relationships with friends and family may be mostly positive and nurturing. Outwardly, we are successful in at least some of the ways our society defines success, and that contributes to our self-esteem.
But I believe that it’s very possible to experience self-esteem while having very little self-respect. To me, self-respect is that deeper, inner feeling we have about ourselves. In the same way that self-esteem is earned, by proving to ourselves that we can achieve positive results in our various life tasks, self-respect is also earned—it’s an ‘inside job’ that nobody can do for us. Self-respect is not something we can buy in the 7-11, nor can another person bestow it upon us. In fact, when other people respect us but we don’t respect ourselves, it’s very difficult to let that positive attention in. It’s not until we truly love and respect ourselves, that we can begin to believe that we are worthy of another person’s love and respect.
The only way to have self-respect is to earn it—by continuing to do the next right thing. Self-respect is perhaps the most important thing we either have or don’t have, because it forms the keystone of how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. I believe that every decision we make in life—without exception—stems from our level of self-respect, and nothing is more important than that.
 
HOW TO DEVELOP SELF-RESPECT
The good news is that it’s really not that difficult to develop our self-respect. I believe that when we’re not treating ourselves well, on some level deep inside we know that. Because we can’t heal anything about ourselves that we’re not aware of, we need to be on the look-out for those times when we don’t feel good about ourselves.
Here is an easy gauge to see how well you’re faring in terms of your self-respect. Ask yourself this question, and be willing to look honestly at your answers:
“What do I need to do, and what do I need to NOT do, to be able to really look honestly at myself and be okay with who I see?”
Each time you ask yourself that question, listen for your true answer and actually base your behavior on what you have heard. If you do this regularly, you will build up your self-respect—as well as your self-trust—because this will become the foundation for all of your interactions, whether you are aware of that at the time or not.
This may be a difficult change for you to make, especially if you are used to pleasing others instead of yourself. Your personal challenge may lie in learning how to put yourself first without feeling guilty or “selfish.” But if you continue to put others first while feeling resentful or badly about yourself for doing that, your self-respect will inevitably suffer.

So here is the choice-point—what is more important to you: having other people like you or liking yourself?
When you find yourself involved in situations where you experience some negative feelings about yourself such as guilt, shame, or self-inflicted anger, here are some questions you might ask yourself in order to become more aware of your self-respect level:

What behavior of my own may have contributed to my feeling this way about myself?

What can I do differently next time, so that I can respect myself more in a similar situation?

Is there anyone I need to talk with so that I can resolve or feel better about what happened?

Can I be more gentle with myself and understand that I’m going to make mistakes—and hopefully learn from them?

 
WE TEACH OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US
When we fully understand that we teach other people how to treat us—either by how we treat them or how they see us treating ourselves—we can learn to change our own behaviors and obtain different, healthier results.
Because the only things we can change already reside within us—such as our choices, our decisions, our attitudes toward ourselves and life in general—we can come out of our feelings of ‘victim’ by acknowledging that we do actually have control over many aspects of our lives.
So the next time you say yes to someone when you really want to say no, be aware that you may be teaching that person that it’s ok to take you for granted and treat you poorly. The next time you are spoken to in a disrespectful manner and you choose to accept that by staying silent rather than standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, see if you can remind yourself that you can indeed make another choice and teach that person to treat you differently.
Remember—you alone are in control of yourself and of your life choices. And to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt’s wonderful comment, no one can make you feel badly about yourself without your permission.

December Gratitude Post #22

Today I am grateful for time and patience which historically I have not done well with. It has only been within the past year that I have realized that both of these things are key to having a happy and fulfilling life. Check out this inspiring article posted on bolde.com:

Why You Need To Be Patient In The Search For Love

By Andrea Wesley

Looking for love can be a lengthy and exhausting process. While some people seem to fall into loving relationships easily and without much effort, others find it incredibly difficult to find “The One.” Finding love that will last takes time and patience, but it’ll be worth it in the end.
1. YOU WANT A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT.Sometimes we feel like love is the be all, end all of our existence —especially as we get older and it seems to be shoved in our faces from all directions. But some people just aren’t meant for an easy journey to forever, and you don’t want to hurry the process by sprinting through the finish line. You want the marathon — the one you train for, sweat for, and the one that will feel gruelingly satisfying at the finish line.

2. YOU DON’T WANT TO JUST SETTLE.Being in a hurry for a relationship can cause you to make crappy choices about who you date, because you’re more likely to take just about anyone who seems decent enough to avoid the feelings of loneliness. You’re better than that, and you deserve better.

3. YOU NEED TO GO THROUGH CHALLENGES TO APPRECIATE THE END REWARD.You’ve heard the quote, “Life only gives its hardest battles to its toughest soldiers.” You’ll be wounded in battle, and you’ll think you can’t go any further, but during that fight you’re going to learn a lot about yourself. Embrace it and take the lessons forward with you, because they’ll only make what you have to give that much stronger.

4. RUSHING THROUGH ANYTHING NEVER GETS THE BEST RESULTS.When have you ever rushed anything and gotten the absolute best results you’re capable of? The longer you wait, the purer the love will feel. There’ll be nothing obstructing your logic if you’ve spent real time and effort on holding out for the results you truly want.

5. YOU’VE GOT TIME.I know it seems like your time is running out and that you’ve got to lock things down soon, but that’s not the case. These days, it’s not uncommon to see people finally meeting their perfect match well into their 30s. Stop feeling like you need to satisfy timetables or feeling like you’ve failed somewhere along the way. You haven’t failed. As long as you’re still breathing, you have plenty of time, and you’ll get there.

6. PATIENCE WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER. It’s true that patience is a virtue, and although it’s excruciatingly hard to practice at times when it comes to love, it only makes you stronger in the process. When you’re patient, you have more time to appreciate the moments as they are instead of living in a constant state of anxiety about the future, and that can only make the love you’re waiting for feel even better when it finally arrives.

7. YOU ALREADY HAVE LOVE.If you really think about it, we all have love in our lives, even if it’s not necessarily with a boyfriend or the husband you’re hope for. You’ve got the love of your friends, your family, and your own love for yourself in the meantime. Never diminish the importance of that.

December Gratitude Post #21

Today I am extremely grateful for so many things which aren't necessarily all connected. First and foremost, I am grateful for my son. He is so sweet, caring, and considerate plus he has awesome manners for a 6 year old! Also, I am thankful for my physical health, especially my advanced fitness level. For example, I ran 3 miles today and then this evening, I went to buy another TV because my old one died. It is a 50 inch smart TV and I purchased it (obviously), carried it into the house, and assembled it all on my own. I don't need a man to buy, carry, or put anything together for me because I am killing it!
One last thing that I am extremely proud of is the fact that I got a 4.0 for my first semester of grad school even while working at least 50 hours each week. My opinion of myself is getting higher by the day! :-)

December Gratitude Post #20

Today is my 40th birthday. To celebrate this huge milestone, I found the most inspiring article on Lifehack.org:

8 Things You Can Only Learn By Turning 40

By: Amanda Maguire

Many people in our society fear turning 40, because of the huge pressure on both men and women to stay young-looking. Our society is still very youth oriented. Age and wisdom aren’t valued in the same way as they are in some cultures. Women; especially, are surrounded by messages from the media that a woman should stay young and beautiful, so getting older can symbolize a loss of their attractiveness . However, those who have passed the 40 mark can tell you that it’s not something to be afraid of. It’s something to celebrate!
This list shows some of the most important things learned by people who have said hello to 40.

1. Age is Just a Mindset

How you live determines how old you feel. You’ve probably seen 30-year-olds who look like they’re 50. They mope around like life has beaten them down, and there’s nothing left but to shrivel up and die. By contrast, there are plenty of examples of vibrant 50 and 60 year olds who glow with joy and enthusiasm about life. 40 year olds who have lived to tell about it will say that 40 is just the beginning!

 2. The Gift of Confidence

Let’s face it. Most people spend their twenties trying to figure out who they are and where they belong, while falling down and making plenty of mistakes in the process. By the time you’re 40, all of that is behind you. You’ve learned from your mistakes, found your niche, and you’ve got the experience and confidence that you learned from surviving the tough decades of the 20s and 30s. .

3. Your Wild and Crazy Days Are Over

You’ve done your share of hanging out in bars till 3 a.m (and struggling through work next day with the hangover), standing in line to see the latest trendy band, and chasing excitement with your posse of cool friends. Following trends is a thing of the past. As a mature adult, you lead a balanced life that doesn’t include weekday hangovers. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

4. Goodbye to Drama and the People Who Create it

By the time you’re 40, you’ve figured out the people who are basically toxic, and who you need to avoid. The friend who has her nineteenth nervous breakdown when the married man she’s been dating off and on for three years finally calls it quits. You listen to her for hours, but she never takes responsibility or tries to change. Or the neighbor who does nothing but complain. According to her, she is a victim of fate, and she too will talk endlessly about her problems without stopping to ask how your day is going. By the time you are 40 or beyond, you know how to recognize the people who are like a vortex of negativity — and now you know how to avoid them.
 

5. You Don’t Change Yourself to Be Liked

When you are younger, you’re willing to go along with the crowd. Fitting in and being liked used to be more important than expressing your true self. Now you have confidence that you are okay just the way you are. The people who matter appreciate you for who you are.

6. You’ve Learned That “No” Is a Complete Sentence

You may have put up with mistreatment from significant others while you were still learning. Sometimes being in a relationship meant letting people walk all over you. Sometimes it meant spending time with people who criticized you, and took advantage of your generosity. It made you comfortable when they used you for your willingness to accommodate requests. Now you know that you are allowed to set boundaries, not waste your time, and protect your self-esteem.

7. You’re Comfortable in Your Own Skin

You have the wisdom to ignore magazines and images in the media that try to tell you who you should be. You’ve made yourself into the best you can be. You are full of your own inner beauty and confidence.

8. The Best Years Are Ahead of You

Who ever said that 40 was old? This is the best time of your life. You’ve got confidence, wisdom, and experience. You’ve found your niche in the world, and you aren’t afraid to try new things. You know that the world is full of new adventures, and you’re excited to see what the years ahead have in store for you!

December Gratitude Post #19

On the eve of my 40th birthday, I am grateful for the following: my son, my family and friends, my health, my sobriety, my job, my education, my motivation, my perseverance, my determination, my intelligence, my sense of humor, my commitment to self care, and so many other things. Although life can be difficult and draining sometimes, I must remember that overall my life is great and I am accomplishing things that I once only dreamed of or never imagined myself doing at all. In fact, my life now is so drastically different than what it was even 5 years ago, it's hard for me to believe I am the same person.
And because of my sobriety, I have learned a great deal about myself and past relationship patterns in the past year. I am getting to know and love myself and that is the greatest gift of all!!! ❤

December Gratitude Post #18

Today I am grateful for my commitment to good self care. For those of us who work in mental health, the idea of self care gets tossed around quite a bit and most people understand the basic concept. I have definitely made an improvement in this area of my life since I have been in recovery. If something or someone is bad for me, I do my best to avoid it/them. I make my best attempt to get an adequate amount of sleep, exercise, healthy food, and water to drink. I reach out for support when I need to and I have been making an effort to live in the present. Here's a great self care article that I found on psychcentral.com:

What Self-Care Is — and What It Isn’t

By Raphailia Michael, MA 
 

When asked the question: “Do you take care of yourself?” most of us will answer “yes” — we’d even think, “What kind of question is this? Of course, I care about myself.”
When asked, “In what ways do you take care of yourself?” — well, that’s where the tricky part begins.
What is self-care?
Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Although it’s a simple concept in theory, it’s something we very often overlook. Good self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good relationship with oneself and others.
What isn’t self-care?
Knowing what self-care is not might be even more important. It is not something that we force ourselves to do, or something we don’t enjoy doing. As Agnes Wainman explained, self-care is “something that refuels us, rather than takes from us.”
Self-care isn’t a selfish act either. It is not only about considering our needs; it is rather about knowing what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves, being subsequently, able to take care of others as well. That is, if I don’t take enough care of myself, I won’t be in the place to give to my loved ones either.
In a few words, self-care is the key to living a balanced life
Where do you start? Well, there are three golden rules:

Stick to the basics. Over time you will find your own rhythm and routine. You will be able to implement more and identify more particular forms of self-care that work for you.

Self-care needs to be something you actively plan, rather than something that just happens. It is an active choice and you must treat it as such. Add certain activities to your calendar, announce your plans to others in order to increase your commitment, and actively look for opportunities to practice self-care.

What I often emphasize to my clients is that keeping a conscious mind is what counts. In other words if you don’t see something as self-care or don’t do something in order to take care of yourself, it won’t work as such. Be aware of what you do, why you do it, how it feels, and what the outcomes are.

Although self-care means different things to different people, there’s a basic checklist that can be followed by all of us:

Create a “no” list, with things you know you don’t like or you no longer want to do. Examples might include: Not checking emails at night, not attending gatherings you don’t like, not answering your phone during lunch/dinner.

Promote a nutritious, healthy diet.

Get enough sleep. Adults usually need 7-8 hours of sleep each night.

Exercise. In contrast to what many people think, exercise is as good for our emotional health as it is for our physical health. It increases serotonin levels, leading to improved mood and energy. In line with the self-care conditions, what’s important is that you choose a form of exercise that you like!

Follow-up with medical care. It is not unusual to put off checkups or visits to the doctor.

Use relaxation exercises and/or practice meditation. You can do these exercises at any time of the day.

Spend enough time with your loved ones.

Do at least one relaxing activity every day, whether it’s taking a walk or spending 30 minutes unwinding.

Do at least one pleasurable activity every day; from going to the cinema, to cooking or meeting with friends.

Look for opportunities to laugh!

Set up a 15-day self-care routine and see how you feel before and after. And never forget: As with everything, self-care takes practice!

December Gratitude Post #17

Today I am grateful for the epiphany that I had this morning regarding my past relationships. Most every man I have ever been in a relationship with treated me badly and I always took that as a sign that I wasn't good enough. It didn't occur to me until this morning that they treated me like I was worthless because that's how I treated myself. I never set boundaries with them nor did I ever assert myself when they treated me badly. More or less they treated me however they wished and I would continue seeking them out and kissing their asses, among other things.
I know it seems like such a simple concept but to me this was a major realization: I was never worthless. And the only reason they thought I was is because they were just following my lead. The best lessons I have ever learned in my life were also the hardest ones...

December Gratitude Post #16

Today I am grateful for the fact that I am single during this time of recovery in my program. I called into a meeting tonight for the first time in a few months and of course I got something out of it. One of the topics focused on was how fulfilling and less distracting one's recovery is if not involved in a current relationship. I find it very interesting how at the beginning of my journey I wondered just how on earth I was going to survive being all alone and having no one who I could fantasize about "saving me". For months, I was in pain and struggling to see how this program would ever help me. As I continue my recovery, I have become increasingly aware of how often I do not focus on the present. Lately that has been one of my major goals. It has been working because for the most part, I have been experiencing a more content and peaceful mind. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to put all of this time into healing myself. Perhaps someday someone will come along with whom I will connect with but for now, I love my life and myself as is.

December Gratitude Post #15

Even though it has been and continues to be a sometimes painful and difficult process, I am grateful for the opportunity to define and validate myself without the assistance of a significant other. I have recently realized that I had no sense of self established because I have always adopted the personas that I thought men wanted me to have. It wasn't even me not being myself because I didn't even know who I was to begin with. While it can be terrifying to navigate life without a partner, it's necessary for me to do so in order to fully realize who I am. I know it's a cliche but it's true. I won't be ready to enter into a relationship until I have firmly established boundaries and a firm sense of my identity and what's important to me. Also, when I can be certain that I won't abandon those things for the "relationship of my dreams", I know I will be ready to finally pursue a healthy relationship for the first time in my life.

December Gratitude Post #14

Today I am grateful that I no longer cry on a regular basis. I was putting lotion on my face this morning before work and I realized how often during my acting out times I would wake up with swollen eyes from bawling the night before. It was always douchebag man related unfortunately. It feels beyond fantastic to be free of those emotional chains. Also, I wanted to share my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because I think it's applicable to my December theme.

DECEMBER 14
If you scatter thorns, don’t go barefoot. — Italian proverb

When we’re feeling, thinking, or behaving negatively, a way to change is to choose its opposite: we can counter dishonesty with honesty, fear with trust, and self-hatred with compassion for ourselves. We can let go of rage by admitting our needs. Rather than resentment, we can choose gratitude. Developing positive feelings and behavior generates serenity and prepares us for the decision to turn our will over to our Higher Power. It also keeps us in the present, giving us power to make decisions without the preoccupation that comes with negativity. As we bring ourselves back to the positive during the day, we can do it with gentleness. We will be amazed as positive feelings and actions become alive within us and become our reality.

While taking inventory today, I can list the negative feelings I struggle with and the positive ones that will counteract them.

December Gratitude Post #13

Today I am grateful that I never gave up on myself. No matter the long list of people who did or the horrible things I went through, deep down I never gave up the belief that I could be more, do more, have more if only I could start fulfilling my highest possible potential. And even though this evening I am exhausted because of work and school, I will say this: the exhaustion, hard work, and late nights/early mornings have been worth it. No one can say as they have in the past that I am lazy, not contributing to society, or making a difference in the world. And that is more than worth every single effort that I have to make.

December Gratitude Post #12

Today I am grateful for the SLAA program. Not only because it has added so much to my life but also because it's a beacon of hope when I start to struggle. Let me explain: tomorrow night is my final class of the semester and as a result, I will have much more free time in the next 3 weeks than I have had in months. So of course where do my thoughts turn as soon as I am not preoccupied with all of the tasks I have been? Yep, you guessed it: MEN!!!
Last night before I went to sleep, I was having thoughts and fantasies that I haven't experienced in months. And these were strong as well, not just fleeting as they have been. Part of the reason for these thoughts is my brain trying to trick me into acting out because it has been so long since I engaged in contact with a man. The other part is that I am anticipating all of this free time that I have coming up and my thoughts automatically go to my addiction.
However, I have decided that I am not going to thwart my hard work and all of my progress. Instead I will start calling into meetings again and work on Step work that was assigned to me by my sponsor months ago. I will contact her to review my Step work and start working my program. Also, I plan to return to church as well as spending time with my son and catching up on books and TV shows. I will relax and enjoy myself WITHOUT engaging in unhealthy behaviors.

December Gratitude Post #11

Today I am grateful for 400 days of not acting out. I can scarcely believe that I have made it this far. It seems both like yesterday and many years ago in which I was on day 1 of my sobriety. I have learned so much about myself since I discovered why I had been acting the way I was for so many years. I have faced some things that I already knew and other things that I never would have dreamed of.
The further I get in my recovery, the stronger I am getting and the more my self confidence is increasing. I have decided that in addition to not allowing men to treat me poorly, I am not allowing ANYONE ever again to treat me poorly. And perhaps that is one of the main lessons that I had to learn throughout my addiction and subsequent recovery: if you don't truly value yourself, no one else will. You must be your own best friend and have your own back. If you do, everything else will fall into place. I think that's a pretty fantastic lesson to have learned on the eve of my 40th birthday! 😊

December Gratitude Post #10

Today I am grateful for my newfound commitment to sticking up for myself if I feel I have been wronged in some way. Last week I had an incident at work in which I felt this way and today I brought the issue up with my boss in our weekly meeting. I was not aggressive or confrontational but I did make her aware that I felt attacked on some level. I did not expect much in the way of resolution however I was extraordinarily proud of myself for having the courage to bring it to her attention. Not so long ago, I wouldn't have said a word. And going forward I need to keep in mind that I can't take anything that happens there personally. I am grateful that for the first time in my life I am being true to myself. For me, that's a pretty major accomplishment!!!

December Gratitude Post #9

Today I am grateful for the wonderful opportunity that I have been given to attend graduate school. My last class of the semester is on Thursday evening and I am pretty danged proud of myself for making it through my first semester with very good grades and while working more than full time hours. I am really thankful that I will have a 3 week break from classes before I start my next semester because I am truly exhausted. I slept as much as I could this weekend but I am still tired and didn't get any of my work documentation caught up. Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself that I get sad and discouraged if I don't get everything all done perfectly. I am feeling some self pity tonight because of various issues, the above reason included. I think I am going to go to bed super early tonight, apparently I really need the rest!

December Gratitude Post #8

Today I am most grateful for the newest milestone that I met today: I have been celibate for a total of 400 days. As I may have mentioned before, this is the longest period of time that I have gone without sex since I lost my virginity 22 years ago. And although I have gone without sex in the past albeit for shorter periods of time, this is the first time that I haven't felt self pity in doing so. Because I am a huge fan of self reflection, I was thinking about my celibacy earlier and pondering how long this new lifestyle of mine will last. I am not sure when God will deem me ready for a healthy and loving partnership however I do know that I will never again settle for the garbage that I did in the past. And forget having sex and throwing myself at men that just used me and treated me like less than pond scum. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I value myself and realize that I deserve much more than I ever settled for. That in and of itself is a success.

December Gratitude Post #7

Today I am grateful for the renewed connection that I have established with my son since I have been in recovery. Although I have to focus on both work and school, I have so much more time to devote to my son now. Even when I am completing school and work tasks, I still have the attention available to focus on my son's wants and needs rather than being consumed with my own obsessions and fantasies regarding whatever man I happen to have in my sights. I never realized how truly blessed I would be by the gifts of recovery. Honestly when I started this journey I thought I would be miserable and lonely, anticipating when I could start dating again. It took me many painful months to get to this point but I am extremely thankful that I did. I love my son so very much and I value every moment that I get to spend with him.

December Gratitude Post #6

Today I am grateful for the newfound commitment that I have made to myself that I will not allow myself to be treated poorly by anyone, including my boss, family, nor anyone else. Earlier during my morning run, I was reflecting on the fact that I turn 40 years old 2 weeks from today and I have allowed myself to be abused, trampled on, discarded, and an entire plethora of other horrible things throughout most of my life.
That madness was over when I stopped acting out in my addiction. Historically I would allow men (especially those that I was attracted to) to get away with treating me however they liked. And to a certain extent I was aware of this propensity. It has only been recently now that my focus is off men can I see that I had been allowing myself to be treated poorly by almost everyone including people I didn't even know.
So the main point of my blog post this evening is that I just wanted it to be in writing that I owe my loyalty to myself first and foremost, followed by those people who have shown me their loyalty and trustworthiness. #strongwoman #takenoshit #ifyouredisrespectful #youregone

December Gratitude Post #5

Today I am grateful for the fact that I made a valiant attempt to stick up for myself with a few people including my ex-husband and my boss. I stood my ground with my ex when he attempted to control me like I had allowed him to do in the past. He did something this morning that I felt was inherently wrong and then I took the steps I felt were necessary. He didn't like losing control and started screaming. At work, my boss humiliated and belittled me during our Wednesday afternoon meeting. It was pretty brutal. There was a time in the not so distant past where I would have broken down in front of her but I did not do so this time. I gave her sarcasm and stuck up for myself. Last but not least, I fell on the ice in my driveway and landed on my back and head. I have been doing my best to avoid self-pity ever since it happened. Because I am beyond over this day, I am going to bed.

December Gratitude Post #4

Today I am grateful for the fact that I have been given the gift of changing my life before the age of 40. Many times, people are not given this blessing or sometimes they are with very little time to spare. Obviously I can't predict what will happen tomorrow but I do know that if I live a long life, I will not squander it nor waste any of the precious gifts that God has given me. And that's what I have tried to do in my recovery thus far. You never know if today will be your last or what tomorrow holds. However, I do know that I will never again allow anyone to treat me in such a way as to take away my self respect or dignity. Because believe me, it's far too much of a price to pay.

December Gratitude Post #3

Today I am grateful for solitude. I have noticed that many people are afraid and sometimes petrified to be alone and they will do whatever they can or use any person, substance, or method to escape from themselves. I completely understand this mindset because at one time, I was the same way. One of the many blessings of recovery is that this fear is now a thing of the past. If I have a long and stressful day at work (which I did today) and I arrive home to the beautiful sound of silence, I consider it to be a peaceful benefit of living alone. I am free to enjoy blissful silence in which to work, reflect, or savor my own company. Not only is my solitude a blessing but the fact that I consider solitude a blessing is in and of itself quite the blessing indeed!

December Gratitude Post #2

Today I am grateful for the positive and successful direction that my life has gone in the past year. I was thinking about the main thing that's different now and I think I figured it out: I actually have a real purpose. And what would be most shocking to the Lisa from 20 years ago is that my purpose does not involve loving or being loved by a man. It involves loving myself and getting to know who I am. It means creating a life I love by surrounding myself with great people, focusing on my career and further education, and practicing self-care each day. It means being present in every moment and giving my full attention to the current task and not missing out on my awesome life because I am distracted by an emotionally unavailable man. It's all so much more than I dreamed could be possible. I LOVE myself and my life! ❤❤❤

December Gratitude Post #1

I have decided that starting with today's post, I will do a daily gratitude entry for the entire month of December. I made this decision because this time of the year seems magical and is filled with family, friends, music, love, and laughter. The other reason I decided to do this is because I turn 40 this month and I can't think of a better way to celebrate than by listing all the blessings in my life, of which I have so many. Here we go!

Today I am grateful for my son who is truly my greatest blessing. My son is sensitive, caring, loving, empathetic, intelligent, funny, conscientious, happy, outgoing, and so much more. My son was born 9 weeks early and only weighed 3 pounds, 11 ounces. He was born in Pittsburgh because he was born so early and had to stay in the hospital for one month before he was finally released to come home. I underwent a C-section delivery and when he was born, he did not cry because he was not breathing. I had 2 other pregnancies before him: the first one was a miscarriage and the second was a stillborn son, born at 29 weeks. Many children who are born that early are discharged with various medical equipment due to their health issues. My son was extremely fortunate to leave the hospital without any medical concerns. My son is truly a miracle in every sense of the word and he is without question my #1 priority. I love him more than I thought I could ever love anyone! 💓

Eliminate bitterness toward men

Continuing on with the theme of elimination, tonight I have decided to focus on my tendency to be bitter towards all men based on the treatment that I received from a very small percentage of the male population. Showing feelings of bitterness or cynicism will not go very far in dealing with those of the opposite sex. And sometimes I would be sorely missing out because not every man is an evil, selfish, self absorbed, and unhealthy person just waiting for his next victim to come along. I firmly believe that good men are out there and with the help of my newfound self confidence and love, I am convinced that I will find him one day. I must have patience and enjoy my life just as it is in the present moment.

Eliminate comparing yourself to others

This evening during my grad school class, I began to notice how I am always comparing myself to others. It's insidious and I do it multiple times per day regarding an infinite number of things. I have been this way my entire life and I am honestly not sure why. What I realized this evening is that I want to work on reducing this (unhealthy) habit because it accomplishes nothing except the creation of negative feelings, typically shame, guilt, and self blame. I found an article on becomingminimalist.com that provides some great information on how to change this harmful way of thinking:

A Helpful Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

WRITTEN by JOSHUA BECKER

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt

I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:

Comparisons are always unfair.We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.

Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).

Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.

You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.

You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.

There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.

Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.

Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.

Comparisons deprive us of joy.They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.

Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison? Consider, embrace, and proceed forward with the following steps.

A Practical Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Take note of the foolish (and harmful) nature of comparison.

Take a good look at the list above. Take notice of comparison’s harmful effects in your life. And find priority to intentionally remove it from the inside-out.

Become intimately aware of your own successes.

Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.

Pursue the greater things in life.

Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.

Compete less. Appreciate more.

There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world.

Remind yourself nobody is perfect.

While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.

Take a walk.

Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.

Find inspiration without comparison.

Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference.
Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.

If you need to compare, compare with yourself.

We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves, but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.

November 28

NOVEMBER 28

What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner. — Colette

Colette was a French writer whose books give us a sense of a life fully lived. Yet, even she regretted that she hadn’t appreciated her good fortune earlier on. It was only while writing that she learned to see how lucky and happy she was and to praise life. Many of us are also tardy in realizing how rich our lives have been. It is often only in retrospect that we can see the beauty and feel the joy. How beautiful that day was! How much I was loved! How lucky I was to have such good friends around me! What a lovely child! Why didn’t we see what was happening in front of our very eyes? Why couldn’t we seize the moment? It is good to remember, but it is also splendid to live in the present and cherish each moment while it is happening.

I am learning to let go and live in the intensity of the here and now.

Boundaries

To build upon the post from yesterday, I found a fantastic article on building and maintaining boundaries. Interestingly, assertiveness and boundaries go hand in hand. I really need to work on these things. I know that not having these 2 essential traits leads to a shaky sense of self:

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and, really, a healthy life. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill. Unfortunately, it’s a skill that many of us don’t learn, according to psychologist and coach Dana Gionta, Ph.D. We might pick up pointers here and there from experience or through watching others. But for many of us, boundary-building is a relatively new concept and a challenging one.
Having healthy boundaries means “knowing and understanding what your limits are,” Dr. Gionta said.
Below, she offers insight into building better boundaries and maintaining them.
1. Name your limits.
You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits, Gionta said. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”
2. Tune into your feelings.
Gionta has observed two key feelings in others that are red flags or cues that we’re letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone, she said.
If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, Gionta suggested asking yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me?
Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on us, she said.
“When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary,” Gionta said.
3. Be direct.
With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually, this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views, personalities and general approach to life, Gionta said. They’ll “approach each other similarly.”
With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels [that] challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating,” but to another person this feels disrespectful and tense.
There are other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue, Gionta said. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.
4. Give yourself permission.
Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls, Gionta said. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.
Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.
5. Practice self-awareness.
Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, Gionta suggested asking yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”
6. Consider your past and present.
How you were raised along with your role in your family can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker, you learned to focus on others, letting yourself be drained emotionally or physically, Gionta said. Ignoring your own needs might have become the norm for you.
Also, think about the people you surround yourself with, she said. “Are the relationships reciprocal?” Is there a healthy give and take?
Beyond relationships, your environment might be unhealthy, too. For instance, if your workday is eight hours a day, but your co-workers stay at least 10 to 11, “there’s an implicit expectation to go above and beyond” at work, Gionta said. It can be challenging being the only one or one of a few trying to maintain healthy boundaries, she said. Again, this is where tuning into your feelings and needs and honoring them becomes critical.
7. Make self-care a priority.
Gionta helps her clients make self-care a priority, which also involves giving yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “our need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger,” she said. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about our wellbeing and about what makes us happy and unhappy.”
Putting yourself first also gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”
8. Seek support.
If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, “seek some support, whether [that’s a] support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends.” With friends or family, you can even make “it a priority with each other to practice setting boundaries together [and] hold each other accountable.”
Consider seeking support through resources, too. Gionta likes the following books: The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time and Boundaries in Marriage (along with several books on boundaries by the same authors).
9. Be assertive.
Of course, we know that it’s not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still expect others to know what hurts us, Gionta said. Since they don’t, it’s important to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.
In a respectful way, let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you and that you can work together to address it, Gionta said.
10. Start small.
Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Gionta suggested starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries. “Build upon your success, and [at first] try not to take on something that feels overwhelming.”
“Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support,” Gionta said. And remember that it’s a skill you can master.

Assertiveness

I am in the midst of a group project for one of my grad school classes and I am learning quite a bit about how I deal with group dynamics, especially unpleasant ones. I have decided that working on being more assertive would help me in the future. I am posting about this topic here because I think a lack of assertiveness contributed to the development of my love and sex addiction. I found this article on psychcentral.com:

5 Tips to Increase Your Assertiveness

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

“Assertiveness is all about being present in a relationship,” according to Randy Paterson, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships. In other words, you’re able to articulate your wants and needs to the other person, and you welcome their wants and needs as well.
Being assertive is starkly different from being passive or aggressive. Paterson has a helpful analogy that distinguishes the differences. He explained:

In the passive style, all the world is allowed on stage but for you — your role is to be the audience and supporter for everyone else. In the aggressive style, you’re allowed on stage but you spend most of your time shoving the others off, like in a lifelong sumo match. With the assertive style, everyone is welcome onstage. You are entitled to be a full person, including your uniqueness, and so are others.

“Assertiveness involves advocating for yourself in a way that is positive and proactive,” said Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC. It also means being clear, direct and honest, she said.
For instance, if you’re upset with your boss over your performance review, you’re able to express your opinion in a diplomatic and professional way, she said. Again, this is very different from the other styles. If you’re passive, you might swallow your feelings and become resentful, which can chip away at your self-esteem and boost stress and anxiety, she said. If you’re aggressive, you might curse out your boss and quit. If you’re passive-aggressive, you might call in sick and give your boss the silent treatment, she said.

Why Some People Aren’t Assertive

Why are some people assertive while others aren’t? Many factors may contribute. Stress is one. “The fight-or-flight response is an evolutionary adaptation that pulls us toward aggression or avoidance, and away from calm, relaxed assertiveness,” Paterson said.
A person’s belief system also plays a role. According to Paterson, these assertive-sabotaging stances include: “Being nice means going along with others” or “It doesn’t matter if I’m assertive, no one will pay attention anyway” or “He’ll leave me!” That’s why it’s so important to become aware of these beliefs. “[This way you] can examine them clearly and rationally and decide what to do,” he said.
People with low self-esteem may feel inadequate and have a hard time finding their voice, Marter said. Others might fear conflict, losing a relationship, criticism or rejection, she said.
If you’re a woman, you might’ve been raised to set aside your needs and opinions and support and agree with others, Paterson said. If you’re a man, you might’ve been raised to react aggressively with a “my way or the highway” view, he said. Or just the opposite, you might want to be completely different. “[These individuals may be] fearful of provoking aggression when they are present in relationships, or of being ‘a jerk like my father was.’”

How to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. It may always be easier for you to swallow your feelings, scream at someone or give them the silent treatment. But assertiveness is a better strategy. It works because it respects you and others.
As Paterson writes in The Assertiveness Workbook:

Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don’t try to become someone else’s mirror. We don’t try to suppress someone else’s uniqueness. We don’t try to pretend that we’re perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there.

These are some ideas to get you started.
1. Start small. You wouldn’t try to scale a mountain before reading a manual, practicing on a rock wall and then moving on to bigger peaks. Going in unprepared just sets you up for failure. Paterson suggested trying to be assertive in mildly tense situations, such as requesting to be seated at a different spot at a restaurant. Then gently work up to tougher situations such as talking to your spouse about infidelity issues, he said.
2. Learn to say no. People worry that saying no is selfish. It’s not. Rather, setting healthy limits is important to having healthy relationships. Here are 10 ways to build and preserve better boundaries, along with 21 tips to squelch being a people-pleaser.
3. Let go of guilt. Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive or a people pleaser most of your life. The first few times it can feel unnerving. But remember that being assertive is vital to your well-being. “Assertive behavior that involves advocating for oneself in a way that is respectful of others is not wrong — it is healthy self-care,” Marter said.
Sometimes, you might be unwittingly perpetuating your guilty feelings with negative thoughts or worries. “Replace negative thoughts — such as ‘I am a bad person for not loaning my friend money’ — with a positive mantra [such as] ‘I deserve to have financial stability and not put myself in jeopardy,’” she said.
Deep breathing also helps ease your worries and anxiety. “Breathe in what you need — peace, strength, serenity — and breathe out feelings of guilt, anxiety or shame.”
And if you still feel uncomfortable, put yourself in a compassionate parent or best friend’s shoes. “Sometimes it is easier to think about speaking up for somebody else who we love than it is for ourselves,” Marter said.
4. Express your needs and feelings. Don’t assume that someone will automatically know what you need. You have to tell them. Again, be specific, clear, honest and respectful, Marter said.
Take the example of ordering food at a restaurant, she said. You’d never just order a “sandwich.” Instead you’d request a “tuna on rye with slices of cheddar cheese and tomatoes.” If you’re worried of upsetting someone, use “I” statements, which usually make people less defensive.
According to Marter, instead of saying, “You have no clue what my life is like, and you are a selfish ass,” you might say, “I am exhausted and I need more help with the kids.” What also helps is tempering your anger and speaking from a place of hurt, she said, such as: “I feel so lonely and need you to spend time with me.”
“Focus on the real issue, not the minutiae,” she said. In other words, “are you really mad that the toilet seat was left up or that you were up with the baby five times the night before?” If it’s the baby — and it likely is — be clear and specific: “I am upset that I was up with the baby five times last night and need for you to get up at least twice a night.”
5. Check out resources on assertiveness. In addition to Paterson’s The Assertiveness Workbook, Marter recommended Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (9th Edition) by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons and Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others by Judy Murphy. Paterson also suggested taking a course on effective communication.

November 25

NOVEMBER 25
Visions for those too tired to sleep. These seeds cast a film over eyes which weep. — Amy Lowell

Many of us have struggled with depression during our lives. Many of us have also felt shame when we were depressed, as if we were lazy or weren’t trying hard enough. But that isn’t true. The causes of depression are complex, and those of us who suffer from it owe it to ourselves to keep searching for relief. As recovering addicts, we long to put all our energy into our new lives. The hopelessness, self-blame, and apathy of depression can be paralyzing and even life-threatening. In recovery, when we need to eliminate stress, depression is a burden we don’t have to carry. Whether our feelings are a result of external circumstances or our body’s chemistry, we can take good care of ourselves. We can feel our anger and sadness. We can seek professional help if necessary. Recovery doesn’t mean an end to suffering, but the program promises this too shall pass. There can be an end to the suffering of depression. We have good reason to hope we will feel joy again.

In my Higher Power’s compassion for my suffering, I find strength and consolation.

365 Days of Blog Posts

Today marks 365 days of posts here on my blog. When I started this, I honestly never dreamed I would stick to this committment so thoroughly, never missing an entry for the entire year. Although my ex-husband would argue otherwise, I am exceptionally good at commitment.
In posting to this blog every evening, I have helped myself to process, sort through, and identify areas that I have struggled with. Also, this blog has given me a place where I could simply vent about having an addiction that few people have heard of and even fewer people understand. I think one of the more interesting things about my blog is the fact that I didn't start it to get dozens of readers each day. Even now, it doesn't matter to me much although it would be nice to get awareness of love and sex addiction out to the masses who have never heard of it. My goal in starting the blog was so I could go back and reread my entries and see how much progress I have made in recovery. It has also been useful to have a place to vent as well, which I already mentioned earlier. I am happy that I started it as it has served its purpose very well. I look forward to another 365 days' worth of entries. For those of you who do read, thank you. I genuinely appreciate the interest in a topic that has completely affected every facet of my life.

Co-parenting Nightmares From the Front Lines

As many of you know, the consequences of my love and sex addiction stretch far and wide. I think it would take many hours and quite a bit of thought to detail all of the consequences from the many years of my addiction. One of these consequences was both of my failed marriages. Because my first marriage did not produce any children, I did not have to interact with my first husband after the divorce was final. Obviously that was not the case with my follow up marriage because I have a son with my second husband. Co-parenting with this guy has become an intolerable nightmare. It's not bad enough that I have to pay him child support (which he uses for his girlfriend) but I have to interact with this person who does not have a firm grip on reality for the sake of my son. Because this has become such an issue, I did some research on Google to find resources to help me. I found this article from itsovereasy.com which is full of many helpful tips:

Co-parenting with an Asshole – Or Someone Who Does Things Much Differently Than You

Written by it's over easy Founder & C.E.O. Laura Wasser, Esq. 

Without question, one of the biggest hurdles in a divorce is how to deal with shared custody.

In many post-dissolution relationships, custody disputes are the gifts that just keep giving. And it’s not so much about physical custody or shared time, but, rather, the issues incident to legal custody: your children’s health, welfare, academics and the general topics that are sometimes tough to deal with, even when the parents are on the same page and under the same roof.

When parents split up, there are often shifts in thinking, with regard to many of the tacit agreements made during marriage. Your ex-wife’s agreement to immunize in the normal course falls by the wayside, when one of the members of her women’s group warns that vaccination equals autism. Your ex-husband’s agreement to raise the kids Jewish and get on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah track becomes a pipe dream. Decisions regarding which school your children will attend, in which extracurricular activities they will participate, whether or not they will go to sleep away summer camp, be allowed to use a cell phone, receive allowance or even pierce their ears, all become major debates that can open whole new channels of hatred between you and your co-parent.

As I have written in past articles, and told many a client and friend: pick your battles.

Although, it is true that there are few things more soul crushing than making it through a week of potty training, only to have your 2 ½ year old returned to you after a weekend in diapers.

I have a friend who tried to discipline her 15 year-old daughter by taking away her cell phone for a month, after my friend discovered a second, and far more salacious, Instagram account that her daughter had opened. Three days into the punishment, the teen arrived home from a weekend at Dad’s with a new phone, new number, new Instagram account(s). WTF?!

Why can’t parents get on the same page when it comes to raising their children? In some cases, it’s an intentionally passive aggressive (or massive aggressive) move to curry favor with the childrenand become the most loved parent. Sometimes, it’s a simple lack of consideration (the same kind of behavior that you loved so much when you were a couple). Or maybe it’s laziness about discipline and boundary setting. Whatever the reason, you cannot, in most instances, go running back to court for every infraction. Even if you could, many of the issues co-parents face are not enforceable by a court. (For better or worse, there are no pacifier police who will intervene after you have painstakingly weaned your toddler from the paci, and your ex pops one in his mouth because, during her custodial time, “He wouldn’t go to sleep without it and then….it looks so cute and seems to make him happy when he has it – what’s another couple of months?”)

Big-ticket items, however, like religion, academics and medical (the immunization debate goes on despite the laws enacted in many states that ALL children must be vaccinated in order to attend public and private schools) are within the Family Court’s jurisdiction to determine. But this is a costly endeavor. Not to mention, long after the gavel has banged, you are left to deal with a bitter parent who refuses to participate in church events, notwithstanding the court’s decision that your kids continue to attend Catholic school.

My office often advises parents to work with a co-parenting counselor who can help resolve difficult issues without the need for court intervention. Better communication tools, compromise and input from a neutral third party are all beneficial, in certain situations.

Many jurisdictions also give parties the ability to stipulate or agree to let the Court appoint a Special Master or Parenting Plan Coordinator, who has the discretion to make binding decisions on limited issues surrounding custody.

But really, this article is about the every day coping you do with someone who has equal power, but completely different ideologies about the most important beings in your universe.

A few things to keep in mind:

First, plenty of people were raised with only one good parent, and they turned out fine. Actually, some of the most accomplished people I know had little or no parental guidance. (I grew up in the 80’s.) Be the best parent YOU can be to your kids. Don’t spend so much time worrying about what is or isn’t going on over there.

Next, take the high road – no shit talking about your co-parent. Remember, the way your kids see it is that you bad-mouthing their other parent is you bad-mouthing a part of them. They can’t help that you chose someone with whom to share their DNA.

And hold strong. Be consistent. Set boundaries.

Kids crave consistency (even if they don’t know it), and psychologists tell us that boundaries make kids feel safe. Yeah, you will be the bad guy, the mean mom or uncool dad. But they will get it. They may already get it. While you may feel unappreciated for your efforts, believe me, your kids know. On some, perhaps even subconscious, level, they recognize. There is no need to shove it in their faces.

I have a friend from college, Molly. At her mom’s 60th, she made a toast. It was taken from an essay she wrote in college called, “Mom, I Always Knew.” It harkened back to when she was a kid. Her parents had split up, and she and her sister would spend Wednesdays and alternate weekends with their dad. He would let them wear make-up, stay up as late as they wanted, talking on their princess phone and watching TV in their room. He never made them cook or help clean up because they mostly went out to eat, and he had a housekeeper who came three days a week. At Molly’s mom’s house, there was only one phone line, and there was no TV in Molly’s room. She wasn’t allowed to watch TV on school nights. There were chores and a curfew and lots of yelling and eye rolling and door slamming. But Molly’s essay, and the toast she later shared with her mother and her 60th birthday party guests, spoke of the strength and sense of safety her “mean mom” imparted, simply by being the stronger parent: the parent who said no; the parent who made decisions and stuck to them, even when it wasn’t easy or popular; the parent who often cried herself to sleep because she was certain that her daughters hated her, loved their dad more and would ultimately love whomever he ended up with and want that person to be their mom. But, as Molly’s essay pointed out, she and her sister always knew her to be the stronger parent. Even if they didn’t show it at the time, they respected her for her resoluteness. Yes, they thoroughly manipulated and took advantage of their father’s laissez-faire parenting, but they knew who had the strength and power in their world – who made it all happen. Their mom was their rock, their safe place, and when they became parents, they wanted to be just like her.

Stay healthy. Try not to allow toxicity to infect your custodial time or your parenting experience. Roll with the punches, as much as is reasonably possible, and see whether you can turn negative experiences into opportunities to teach your child something valuable. If you sign up and pay for piano lessons, and your ex continuously fails (or refuses) to facilitate practice or to take your child to those lessons on his/her days, learn from the experience. When scheduling the next activity, see whether the class or instructor can be flexible and offer alternate weeks, so you can go on your days only and not have to depend on anyone else. At a certain point, your kids will be of an age where they can take some responsibility for their commitments. But for now, ask your kids, “Do you want to take piano?” If the answer is “Yes,” then make certain they understand the commitment involved with practicing and attending lessons.

My friend Cyrus’ ex was angry, and she co-parented with a vengeance. Despite that it made her son uncomfortable, she generally “forgot” to pack his pajamas or special blanket, when it was Cyrus’ custodial time. At the outset, Cyrus would get frustrated, text his ex about what an asshole she was and let her behavior set the course for his precious time with their son. Eventually, Cyrus figured out how to replicate the special blanket, stocked up on PJ’s and anything else necessary for peaceful overnights. Most importantly, he taught his son, at a relatively early age, how to go through and make a list of anything and everything he wanted to pack to bring to his dad’s house. Now, his 18-year-old has gone off to university a super well-adjusted college student who is organized, responsible and makes a mean checklist.

The definition of co (as in co-parenting) is “together, mutually in common.” Cooperation, compromise, co-exist, communication all start with co, and each lends itself to a successful co-parenting relationship. Navigating the obstacle course of parenting can be exhausting – particularly when your co-parent is not much of a co. But as they say, parenting is the best job you will ever have. If you cannot adjust and adapt to the daily trials and tribulations, you are short-changing your child and yourself. Remind yourself why you procreated with your ex in the first place and try to see the good in her/him – even when it’s tough. Then, think about how happy you are that your interactions with this person are limited to those that involve your offspring. Do your best to get through them with grace and strength of character.

You got this.

Day #381

I have so many things to be thankful for this year. Some of these are my son, family, friends, health, job, education, and of course my sobriety. When I began my recovery from love and sex addiction over a year ago, I never dreamed that I would be this successful or receive so many blessings so to say that I am pleasantly surprised is an understatement. This evening, my son and I went to my brother and sister in law's for Thanksgiving and my dad was there as well. It felt so nice to be present and focused rather than distracted and obsessed with my phone. I am looking forward to continuing to reap the benefits of recovery! One day at a time...

Controlling men (Part 2)

I wanted to conclude my post on controlling men by posting an informative article that I got from lovebondings.com:

Dealing With the Real Causes of Controlling Behavior in Relationships

It is not hard to find someone telling their partner what to do, where to go, and how to behave. In fact more often than not, you'd realize you're noticing that in your own relationship! The dilemma is whether two people can ever overcome this conflict and develop a genuine bonding.

 LoveBondings Staff

"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

―Melody Beattie

Pain, anger, and frustration are common for you if your partner is a bit of a control freak. Dealing with a dominant partner can be very tricky at times -- almost a choice between retaining your personal space, or the relationship itself! Controlling friends or colleagues don't affect us just as much; however, they definitely add up to the frustration.

Though such a relationship can be suffocating, it's not the end of the world! At times, people tend to overreact. Genuine concern and protectiveness can also be misunderstood for controlling behavior; there is a very thin line differentiating the two. Learning to tackle such people is one way out, otherwise it's only a matter of time till you get best of them.

Is Your Partner Taking Over Your Life?

Ask yourself the following questions to check if your partner is really holding the reins of your life or is it just you getting worked up over nothing. 

Does your partner lose his/her temper at the drop of a hat?

Do you feel like you have no personal space whatsoever?

Are you afraid of telling your partner something because of his/her reactions?

Are you constantly told to change things about yourself?

Is it unacceptable for you to do several things that are perfectly acceptable for him/her to do?

When you disagree, are you told that you are often 'incapable' of understanding?

Do you constantly feel inadequate, like nothing you do is ever good enough?

Are you frequently told by your partner that you are good, but not good enough at most things?

Are you cut off during conversations as though your opinion counted for little or almost nothing?

Is he/she always moody and inconsiderate about his/her radical behavior towards you?

Do you feel distanced from your friends and family since you met him/her?

Does he/she feel free to insult you irrespective of who's around?

Are your accomplishments belittled versus his/hers?

Do your friends and family have a bad or rash opinion about him/her?

Does your partner feel he/she is always correct?

If your answer is yes to most, or all the above questions, then your partner is most likely to be controlling you. If you are unsure, check if he/she follows these behavior patterns.

Telltale Signs of a Controlling Partner

Following are the signs of a controlling partner:

Short-tempered and moody to an extent that you might find yourself scared of their mood swings

Abusive -- either physically, emotionally, or both

Your feelings, decisions, and problems amount to little for them

Willing to go to any extent to get his/her way

Your relationship always circles around their priorities

Commits the same mistake every time, only to relentlessly apologize later without meaning it

Hates the idea of you being independent and self-sufficient

Breaks down as soon as you threaten to break free, emotionally blackmails you into staying

Reasons for Controlling Behavior in Relationships

The first step to finding out the cause is noticing your partner. Observe and put in a thought to his or her actions and thought process. Unless you understand his/her issues and concerns, merely cribbing is not going to help.

This also includes judging such people fairly; ultimately, all this is pointless if your feelings make you completely blind to a side of theirs. Being dominant could be a person's character trait, but mostly such behavior is triggered -- for a short or long while -- by any of the following reasons:

Insecurities and Possessiveness

Almost everyone whose partner is controlling will agree that he/she is insecure and possessive at some level. Before you start complaining about feeling strangled and restrained, try to understand the other person's point of view. Merely mud-slinging and blaming each other is going to take the relationship nowhere.

Psychologically, a man's basic instinct is to protect and control! They are hardwired to call the shots and be the 'alpha' in a relationship. Women, on the other hand, usually make more sacrifices and mend their ways to build a relationship and thus are bound to feel 'pushed over' or neglected at times.

So feeling insecure is natural in any relationship. One needs to be careful that it doesn't turn to irrational over-possessiveness that eats up your personal space and suffocates you.

Has He/She Always Been Dominant?

If the person has always been the more controlling and dominant one, then it is a strong part of his/her personality itself. As a character trait, dominance need not be overpowering. However, if your partner uses this as an excuse to get away with saying or doing unacceptable things, then it is a serious concern.

Past Experiences

Trust and faith are the most important aspects in any relationship. If your partner has faced betrayal in the past, chances are that he/she will be apprehensive about trusting anyone again.

These experiences could be with anyone close to them; their previous partner, family members or even trusted friends! With these trust issues and conflicts targeted towards you, you would tend to be frustrated.

Here, there's a good and a bad side. The bright side is that your partner will not hold out on you forever. He/she is scarred from a previous relationship; with enough love, compassion and time they are sure to overcome these feelings of insecurity and betrayal. The not-so-good side is that even after being extremely patient and understanding, it may take them extremely long to start trusting you.

Constantly Seeks Love and Approval

People, who are extremely dominant or controlling are undoubtedly the biggest attention seekers. With such a partner, your life is bound to circle around his/her needs and priorities. On a subconscious level, they seek someone's approval and praise. This could be because of a childhood trauma, the feeling of not having accomplished much in their life, or their fear of abandonment.

How to Deal with Them?

Communicate

Talk to your partner; assure him/her of their value in your life. Let them know that you are willing to go an extra mile to help them, even if you have to make some personal sacrifices. Talking can take you a long way in resolving this issue.

Be Patient

Remember that your partner could be truly hurt and disturbed by a certain issue -- from the distant or recent past. He/she might find such instances too personal to be shared. Don't get hurt and disheartened. To sort this, you will have to be tremendously patient.

Earn Trust

Just saying things will not truly affect someone. Let your actions reflect your thoughts. Take that extra effort to show them you are faithful; be honest and completely transparent about each detail of your life. Remember, trust is a subconscious phenomenon. If they feel that genuineness, then it is just a matter of time before they let go of their insecurities!

Always Have Options

Don't give in to your spouse's demands just because he or she is dominating. Ensure that you always have an option in every argument, or decision. It cannot simply be their way or the highway.

Learn to Say No

The first step in standing up to the bully in a relationship is to say "no." Tell them when something is unacceptable and irrational. This is crucial because it lets the other person know that you are going to take a stand for what you believe, no matter how much they undermine your opinion, or belittle you.

Be Strong-willed

Such people get desperate when things don't go their way. They will try manipulating or threatening you so much that unless you agree, they might do something rash. Don't fall for any of this irrespective of how much they intimidate, or emotionally blackmail you. One instance of weakness will eventually mean giving in to their demands always.

Respect Yourself

Put your foot down whenever he/she crosses a line; like telling you to behave in a certain way or commenting on your clothing. Unless you respect yourself, no one out there is going to respect you. So it is important to stand up for yourself and never give in to irrational demands. Don't let him or her trample over you time and again and get away with a mere superficial apology.

As the submissive one, you need to introspect as to what you seek from the relationship. If you are looking for a faithful and long-term commitment, then is your partner looking for the same goals as well? If yes, only then it is sensible to invest so much effort in improving things.