My name is Lisa Marie and I am a recovering love and sex addict. This blog details my recovery and other pertinent information I choose to post. I credit my recovery and sobriety to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. The experience, strength, and hope that I have been blessed to receive has made my recovery possible. I am beyond grateful!
I can't believe that November is almost here and with that, I am fast approaching my 1 year of sobriety! Very exciting for me! I had a very peaceful and fulfilling day, being very productive at work, heading to my first chiropractor visit, and finishing up the day by coming home, eating dinner, and calling into a SLAA meeting. I thoroughly enjoy my life now. I wanted to share today's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because it speaks to me very much. I put so much time and energy into the obsessions of my addiction that I did not have time for much else. I am grateful to God that my life is no longer defined by that addiction.
OCTOBER 31
To be able to fill leisure intelligently is the last product of civilization. — Arnold Toynbee
Some of us have a lot of time to devote to things other than work. If we allow our addiction to fill up this time — as it so easily can — then we become tired and wretched. There is nothing more time-consuming or more exhausting than an obsession. As we recover we find that we have more time at our disposal for leisure and play. We can take time to visit friends and loved ones, to go outdoors, to develop hobbies, to play sports, and to look at and listen to all the fine and exciting things that surround us. Time off is necessary, and it becomes invigorating if we bring to it new energy and purpose. We are changing and we feel grateful to our Higher Power for a new sense of serenity and purpose. We can now play openly and joyfully in harmony with the wonders of living.
My time away from obsession is time to live and love as a free person.
A few months ago, my sponsor suggested that I swear off masturbation for 90 days. Well, I didn't quite make it to 90 days however I have made several improvements related to masturbation. I no longer watch porn. I am honestly not certain of the last time that I did so but somewhat surprisingly, I do not miss it. Another thing that's changed is the frequency and reason behind the masturbation session. I used to masturbate several times per week in order to cope with life, fantasize about my current qualifier, or to take inappropriate pictures to send to said qualifier. In general, I now masturbate about once per week and I do it strictly for my pleasure. I find it both enjoyable and fulfilling. I am pretty ecstatic that I feel so good about this private time that I have with myself. Orgasms are fun and healthy. I never thought I would get to the point where I would say that I enjoy sex with myself and be satisfied with that but I am at that point now! That's not to say that won't change in the future but I am content with my life as it is, which feels pretty damn good!!! 😊
I am learning about this topic right now because I am finally learning to be assertive for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, I have noticed that my assertiveness frequently morphs into aggressiveness. I am sure this article will help me learn to change this:
Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness
Being properly assertive does not mean being aggressive
Posted Nov 29, 2014
By: Fredric Neuman, M.D.
Everyone recognizes there is a value to assertiveness. Achieving goals—any sort of goal—is more likely when someone reaches out to achieve them, rather than waiting around for “the right circumstances.” But sometimes assertiveness is confused with aggressiveness. For example, patients in the middle of a contentious and bitter divorce often reach out for a lawyer who they think will be “tough.” “Tough” is usually recognized by a blustery and food-stomping manner. The fact is, of course, that belligerence is not necessarily, or even usually, a reflection of competence. Sometimes, in the divorce courts, it is a kind of game, where lawyers play to the audience—namely, their clients—without speeding up the divorce proceedings or in any other way furthering the real interests of that client.
Some people conduct their own lives along similar lines. They interact with others as if they are trying to score points rather than achieve any particular purpose. Every encounter becomes a contest with a winner and a loser. But even if they win a particular argument by being more insistent, or more threatening, they lose influence with those who are close to them since their behavior will be resented. No one likes to be yelled at all the time.
There are some with particular problems that are likely to make them overly aggressive:
Individuals who think someone is always taking advantage of them:
An elderly widow used to call up her daughter and complain that she was not invited over to her house as often as her in-laws were.
“You should be having me over twice as often since I am a widow,” she told her angrily.
The consequence of her repeated demands was that her daughter dodged her phone calls and spoke to her as infrequently as possible. When I pointed out that she was not achieving her purpose by these strident remarks, she replied: “If I don’t stand up for myself, who will?”
She similarly scolded tradesmen and deliverymen and others who seemed not to accord her the respect she thought she was entitled to.
Another man wrote anonymously to all his neighbors complaining about garbage piled up on their front lawns, or cars parked too closely to his driveway, or parties that went on too late into the evening. He threatened to contact the police. Most of his neighbors ignored him, but one went out of his way to play his radio loudly late at night.
There are others who complain about the phone service, the unreliability of the electric grid, and about public services in general. They complain to the wrong people, though, usually to a deliveryman or a postal worker, as if these individuals, themselves, were responsible. They fight back against the various injustices they suffer every day in a diffuse and ineffectual manner. Sometimes they make trouble for themselves. Drivers who feel that they have been singled out unfairly for reprimand by a policeman argue and annoy the officer with the result that they are given a ticket instead of being let off with a warning.
I remember one young man who had been admitted into a psychiatric ward without adequate reason—in his opinion. He expressed his disagreement by physically resisting nurses and attendants and, consequently, was tied to a stretcher overnight. In particular, I remember a young husband who came before a judge in a divorce proceeding. He was a very bright man who had researched the legal issues in his case. When the judge made a legal error, he pointed it out to him and then refused to remain silent when instructed to do so. He spent the night in jail. The judge did not go out of his way to favor him during the subsequent course of his divorce.
Being aggressive is often ineffective. Commanding assent will not insure a favorable response.
There is another sort of person who mistakes aggression for assertiveness. These are Individuals who have always considered themselves too inclined to “give in.” They think of themselves as cowardly.
These are individuals who have grown up afraid of others. They remember numerous incidents when they did not stand up to someone—another student, perhaps or an adult—who was pushing them around. They have resolved in the present to assert themselves more effectively—which in their minds usually means having a retort ready if someone speaks to them dismissively or rudely. They think that if someone gets angry at them, they should get angry right back. They are likely still, by virtue of habit, to respond softly and agreeably, but they tend to ruminate afterwards about what they should have said. In their minds an ideal response would be tough and uncompromising. When they do finally speak up their response is often exaggerated and out of proportion to the circumstances. They seem defensive. Often they imagine themselves being disrespected when all they have really experienced is disagreement.
Let me suggest a different definition for assertiveness: being assertive means behaving in a way that is most likely to achieve one’s purpose. By that standard most successfully assertive persons will have a repertoire of ways of acting depending on the circumstances. There are times when the right thing to do is to be conciliatory. There are other times when it is appropriate to be resistant and insistent. If someone is actually attacked, verbally or otherwise, it is appropriate to respond by resisting forcibly. There are times when the sensible thing to do is to appeal to others for help.
Let me give just two examples:
A worker having to deal with an overly critical boss. Assume the worker has the goal of doing well and being promoted. It may very well be appropriate initially to agree without argument with the boss’s complaints, however unreasonable they may be. If those complaints become serious, it may be appropriate to argue back. If those complaints are rude, it may be appropriate to point that out angrily, or even to leave the room. If the boss cannot be satisfied, asserting oneself might mean complaining to a higher boss, or even planning to leave the job for another. Being conciliatory when being taken advantage of systematically would certainly not be appropriate. On the other hand, arguing too readily might seem to others that the worker has a chip on his/her shoulder. Certainly, answering back just to “get something off my chest” is never advisable in a work setting, and is certainly not an example of asserting oneself.
A woman anxious to maintain a faltering relationship. A lover becoming more distant and less affectionate is a situation familiar to many. Assuming the goal of the partner is to reconstitute that relationship, it would not be assertive to scold the lover for being inattentive. Such behavior would be likely to drive him/her further away. Patience is usually called for. Being hurt is natural, getting angry overtly is not usually desirable; and it is controllable. On the other hand, overt betrayal should not be handled in a patient or dismissive way. Otherwise further such behavior would be encouraged. Judging exactly how patient one should be in this situation is difficult. There comes a time when it is best to walk away. Sometimes walking away is the most assertive thing someone can do—and, incidentally, sometimes the thing that is most likely in the future to encourage resumption of the relationship.
Of course, there are many other reasons why someone might react in certain situations too aggressively. Someone may feel threatened when no such threat exists. Someone else in other situations may respond angrily in order to compensate for feeling guilty about having done something wrong. Still, in all these situations, it is appropriate to ask oneself, what is my goal in this situation? What do I want to accomplish? And then, insofar as it is possible, to behave in a way that accords with achieving that objective. God knows, it is hard enough to succeed in life without antagonizing everyone along the way.
I am sharing today's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because I can relate so much to its message. I remember the anxiety that I felt when I was alone with the phone. Somehow by the grace of God, I only picked it up to call into a meeting or get support from friends or family. Indeed, it was abstinence one moment at a time.
OCTOBER 28
This pain is never permanent. — Teresa of Avila
Many of us have felt the impulse to pick up the phone and make the wrong call. You know the one. It’s not that we want to; we don’t. We can tell ourselves, as one group member did, “This could be dialing pain.” But no matter what we do, eventually we will face the moment when it’s just us and the phone. And it draws us like a magnet. We must be willing to go to any lengths at such a time. To make that first phone call can lead anywhere, especially to a slip. The program gives us the tools we need, especially the first three Steps. We can call someone from our group instead of someone who is part of our sex addiction. We can choose abstinence one minute at a time, if necessary. We may feel alone with our fear, loneliness, and compulsion, but we’re not. With our Higher Power’s help, we will emerge safely, with our abstinence undamaged.
God, help me meet moments of compulsion with patience, willingness, and courage.
With the passage of time, the more I realize how much power and control I gave to others, especially in the area of determining my worth. I would give 100% of the responsibility for my worth to the focus of my addiction. Much of the time, the man seemed to define my worth based on some superficial quality such as my fantastic blowjobs or long, elaborate backrubs. God forbid that I ever did anything to upset the man; my worth in his eyes would drop precipitously and I would be filled with anxiety and self-hatred, waiting for the rejection to happen.
Honestly, I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize that other people can't nor shouldn't define another's worth. Ever since I decided to make my worth come from internal rather than external sources, I have felt a very powerful shift happening in my life. For example, in reflecting on previous relationships, especially my most recent one, I have realized that my ex-boyfriend really lost out on someone special when I left his life. I am intelligent, attractive, funny, motivated, positive, outgoing, caring, and kind as well as many other qualities. In no way am I being egotistical here but he was a loser and I was definitely dating down!!!
I was talking with a close friend recently and she was informing me about the various dating apps that she is currently using. One is called Bumble which I had never heard of. I went to Google to research this app and ended up discovering another dating app called Hinge. The app names aren't really all that important but the fact that I have never heard of them before now is HUGE! This indicates significant progress for me; quite honestly, progress that is unprecedented. I have been both aware of and a frequent user of dating sites since they were introduced. As weird as it sounds, I was super pumped to find out that I am no longer in the dating app loop.
Additionally, for many months when I first entered recovery, I struggled to find peace and acceptance and doubted that I would ever feel good again. Much to my surprise, I feel the best that I have ever felt and it will continue to get better from now on!
I am sharing yesterday's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because I find the message extremely powerful.
The possibilities for tomorrow are usually beyond our expectations. — Anonymous
When it is struggle to believe that we’re hopeful, productive, and capable of caring for and loving others, we may have to pretend that we are all of these things. The program calls this acting as if. We can act as if we’re hopeful; we can act as if we’re productive; we can act as if we care. We may not have a long record of being all these things, and we may not even know how sometimes, but we don’t have to. We have a promise that our Higher Power is caring for us and will help us do the things we can’t do on our own. Acting as if is hard work; it takes constant letting go. We may feel totally unqualified to live in reality and resentful that we have to. Our grandiosity whispers that reality is boring and beneath us. We are “special”; we don’t have to follow the same rules other people do. Consciously turning our wills and our lives over to God stills the addictive voice and focuses our energy on real life. We become part of life, rather than an adversary. And we feel the pleasure of our efforts.
If today is a day to act as if, I will accept it and do my best.
Have you ever had one of those days where you should have just stayed in bed? Today was one of those days for me. My work day was pretty decent; I got a lot of work done and felt energetic. It was when I got home that the day went to shit. My furnace still isn't fixed, my dad came to my house, and I didn't get the opportunity to speak to my son. The self-pity party will commence momentarily......
Both because I am pursuing a masters in social work and because I have been a victim, patriarchy has entered my consciousness lately and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel as if I have spent many years being oppressed and subservient, first to my father and then to all of the "men" who I chose to get involved with. I have decided 2 things: 1. I will never again allow myself to become submissive or subservient to a man. 2. I want to research the topic of patriarchy further. To that end, check out this article:
Although most of us know what patriarchy is — a system of domination by which the wealthy, white, male ruling class has authority over everyone else — few of us understand how it plays out in our everyday lives.
We may even think of it as something that existed a long time ago in the United States, during the days of the Puritans when women were property of their husbands and were being accused of witchcraft and hanged.
It’s like how some may say that racismis no longer an issue because we’re past the days of Jim Crow laws and the extreme, hate-based activism of the KKK (even though the they’re still active today).
But unfortunately, just like racism, patriarchy still exists. And just like racism, it often manifests in casual ways that tend to go unnoticed by the majority of people.
And women aren’t the only ones who suffer under this everyday patriarchy.Everyone does. Because patriarchy demands that those in power conform to a specific set of rules — ones that require the suppression of feelings, and include a lack of empathy.
And patriarchy demands that those being ruled play by a certain set of rules as well: They are the controlled ones. While they are allowed to show emotion, they cannot step outside of their prescribed boxes. They are not allowed to act assertive or attempt to gain authority.
The problem is: by not allowing people to both simultaneously express their emotions and assert themselves, we limit their range of experiences and diminish their worth as humans.
Unfortunately, this plays out in everyday life far more often than we realize.
#1. In the Workplace
Most of us are aware of the obvious ways in which patriarchy plays out in the workplace: women make 77 cents to every man’s dollar and occupy just 15% of upper management positionsand less than 4% of CEO positions in Fortune 500 companies.
In other words, the workplace is still dominated by men.
And the higher up the corporate ladder a man climbs, the more he is expected to conform to the patriarchal expectations within the good ole’ boys’ club: he must commit 100% of himself to the job, refrain from outward displays of emotion, and be completely reliable at all times.
In other words, he sheds his humanity and becomes the company’s robot.
As a result of his commitment to this patriarchal culture, the man may become controlling and dominant when placed into a management position, thus being less sensitive to the needs of his employees and coworkers.
The woman manager, on the other hand, may feel obligated to fill the traditional female role in the workplace patriarchy — sensitive to the needs of others, more emotional, and more team-oriented.
And while the gendered female role may seem like the most appropriate for workplace interaction in order to build teamwork and create a comfortable environment, it can have detrimental effects.
Because when a woman takes on the traditional female role in corporate culture, she undermines her ability to assert control over her team and her environment. She is seen as weak and is less likely to be promoted.
Being the corporate man has its disadvantages as well. If a man remains dominant and stoic in his management style, he is less likely to connect on an emotional level with fellow team members.
And no one wins.
#2. In Parenting
There are different types of parenting styles and different recommendations as to what works when it comes to raising children, and I’m not here to berate parents who, for the most part, are trying to do the best job that they can.
But I am here to address family dynamics at play — particularly when it involves children.
Children are at the bottom of the family hierarchy when it comes to the power structure within the family. Often, they are controlled instead of being treated as an equal participant.
Now, I’m not saying we should let our children control us. What I’m saying is that we should give children a voice.We should make them active participants in the family structure and communicate with them. We should let them express their opinions.
Because when we exert authoritarian control over our children, we are simply playing out the dominant, ruling societal structure within our own homes. And what does thatteach them early on?
Besides, studies show that children raised in authoritarian homes are more likely to break the rules and engage in delinquent activities.
#3. In Female Relationships
Sometimes women compare themselves to other women.
We may be envious of another woman’s great hair, awesome sense of style, high IQ, or assertiveness. If we’re straight, we may even be envious that other guys pay more attention to her than they do to us.
All of this envy may make us feel bad about ourselves, so we project our own sense of insecurity outward and label the other woman as a bitch or self-absorbed. We compete with each other when we should be supporting one another.
This competition among the female sex stems from a time when a woman had to focus on being as attractive as possible to find a good husband to provide for her —during a time when most women didn’t work outside the home and relied on men to support them.
It’s like that scene in Titanicwhen Rose’s mother is trying to convince her to stay with the wealthy Cal Hockley instead of running off with poor boy Jack Dawson: “He’s a good match, Hockley. He will ensure our survival.”
And while that may have been true in 1912, it’s not the case 100 years later.
Pardon the pun, but that ship has sank.
Women need to stop reinforcing patriarchal mandates that require competition amongst each other and start forming relationships that build each other up instead of tearing each other down.
#4. In Queer Relationships
Couples in relationships that don’t fit within the heterosexual binary also suffer under patriarchy.
Relationships in patriarchy demand that one member assumes the typical “masculine” role (dominant, assertive, controlling) while the other person assumes the “feminine” role (submissive, passive, weak).
Within this narrow system, if you don’t identify or subscribe to traditional gender roles, society doesn’t know what to do with you and tries to force you back into their constrained, stereotypical gender box.
For those who identify as homosexual, trans* or non-cisgenderand who choose not to stay within these rigid gender boxes, breaking out of the bounds of patriarchy requires even more effort.
Eradicating Gender Stereotypes and Breaking Out of Our Boxes
We could benefit from understanding how detrimental gender stereotypes are and working toward eradicating them.
Now that we understand the subtle, everyday ways in which patriarchy rears its ugly head, we know that under this type of repressive system, everyone suffers and no one wins. By understanding how stereotypes limit us and working to free others of their ascribed roles, we work toward freeing ourselves as well.
I wanted to share today's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because it's so applicable to my life. I have always felt like I struggled with self-discipline and did not have the ability to make necessary changes. Now I know that's all BS. Because every single day, I show more self-discipline and self-restraint than I have in my entire lifetime. Also, today marks 350 days of sobriety! To say that I am proud of myself is an understatement!
OCTOBER 22
As long as there is still so much noise inside, so long will it be hard for others to approach you, except for those who look deeper and feel the undertow, the life-current that never stops. — Etty Hillesum
There’s a difference between forcing ourselves to act and self-discipline. Self-discipline comes from within. With it we feel the push to do something worthwhile, no matter how small. Forcing ourselves to do something, on the other hand, usually reflects an authority outside ourselves. We might make a point of getting to work on time because our boss says we have to, not because we want to. Or, we might go to meetings because our sponsor says that’s good, not because it’s what we’ve chosen. Forcing ourselves may produce results, but for a sex addict, it’s not healthy. It reinforces our desire to rebel and have our own way. Letting go of our belief in willpower lessens the need to set up forces outside ourselves to resist. Somewhere inside of us, even if it’s faint, is the sense of what’s best for us, of what we truly want to do. We may fight it, but our heart knows. And that’s the right choice. To follow what’s in our heart teaches self-discipline and brings self-esteem.
Joy, pleasure, and serenity are mine each day when I stay centered and self-disciplined.
This evening I am angry. I am angry at my father for the way in which he treated me during a phone conversation that we had earlier. Moreover, I am angry because today's interactions with him illuminated the roots of my disease. Always, I have been seeking approval and validation from men. That was one of the most harmful qualities of my addiction: the loss of self dignity and respect during the process of trying to buy or "win" men's approval, validation, and "love". This behavior all started in my relationship with my father and I never truly realized the reality of the situation until this evening.
In addition to being hurtful, my interactions with my father this evening proved to be an a-ha moment for me. During the course of this conversation, he was verbally abusive and disrespectful; choosing to take out whatever frustrations he has in his own life on me. I am proud of myself because I was assertive and I did stick up for myself, telling him that I wasn't going to argue with him and I didn't appreciate nor deserve to be treated that way. The entire exchange has me very rattled, surprised, and quite frankly, extremely sad. I don't recall another occasion in my adulthood where anything such as that has ever transpired. I need to engage in self care and rest because the waves of self pity are threatening to drown me. I can only hope that I will feel better tomorrow. 😕
I found this article posted on Cosmopolitan.com and strongly identified with several of the characteristics on the list.
19 Signs You're Literally Addicted to Your Partner
The symptoms are surprisingly common.
by ELIZABETH NARINS
JAN 14, 2015
Although it can be unhealthy to fixate on another human being — particularly when the feeling isn't mutual — the human brain is wired to develop this kind of dependency.
"When you [first] fall in love, you can feel ecstatic like with initial drug or alcohol use," says Dr. Femke Buisman-Pijlman, Ph.D., an addiction researcher and senior lecturer at the Faculty of Health Sciences at the University of Adelaide in Australia. When the thrill of new love subsides, you could be left with a psychological dependence where you think you need the other person, she adds.
"We can get addicted to people just as we can to alcohol or food," says Margaret Paul, Ph.D., a relationship expert who has been counseling couples for more than 40 years. "It's a form of self-abandonment where you use another person to avoid responsibility for your feelings." You kind of lose your sense of self, which can mess with your mental health, career, and non-romantic relationships.
Look out for these signs from Paul, Dr. Buisman-Pijlman, and a classic questionnaire that experts use to assess love and sex addiction. (And if all this sounds too familiar? Consider seeking professional help.) 1. You seek your partner out compulsively — and it ultimately makes you miserable. You beg him to come over when you really should be prepping for an interview, or you drag him to a girl's night even though it pisses off your friends. "Addiction is not about really enjoying something, but being unable to stop something that gives some pleasures but many problems," says Dr. Buisman-Pijlman. 2. You have sex with your partner at inappropriate times and in appropriate places — on the regular. Everyone can appreciate a spontaneous sex session. But when it morphs into daily, two-hour lunch breaks that anger your boss and interfere with meetings, it could be problematic. 3. You make rules about seeing your partner and compulsively break them. "Longing to be together is normal in a healthy relationship," Dr. Buisman-Pijlman says. But if you swear off weeknight sleepovers or drunk texting, and regularly do them anyway, you may be in over your head. 4. You spend your last pennies on your partner to keep him around. If you want to buy him gifts or help him pay his bills? Great. But cover him one too many times, or put yourself into debt on his behalf, and this could be a sign that you're completely dependent on him. 5. You find it hard to be happy without your partner. When your partner is your only source of joy, you become especially susceptible to addiction, Paul says.
6. You're scared to be alone. If you seriously can't sleep alone anymore, you might be more dependent than you think. 7. You feel all empty inside when you're apart. In a healthy relationship, you spend a night out with your girls while he grabs drinks with his friends. You might text each other once or twice, but this doesn't interfere with your ability to have an amazing time outside of his company. 8. You thrive off your partner'sapproval. And when he doesn't quite "get" your statement necklace, it actually ruins your day. 9. You outwardly panic at the thought of losing your partner. When you guys randomly run into his ex, you lose your shit as if he's still interested in her. You're not just worried — the prospect haunts your dreams. 10. You pick fights for attention. "You didn't even ask how my day was! You don't even care about me!" 11. His love is your drug. You literally feel high around him. It's like an out-of-body experience that's completely intoxicating — except you're sober. And when you go back to work Monday after a long weekend spent together? It's completely intolerable. 12. You're more concerned with getting love than giving it. You use his gifts, date plans, and little gestures to gauge his love for you, and freak out if he falls short — even if his efforts surpass your own. 13. When he travels for work, you seriously feel depressed. You don't want to see your friends and find it hard to get out of bed. What's the point? He's not around. 14. He goes on a guys' trip, and you think it's all your fault. Nevermind that it's a bachelor party he was obliged to attend. You feel unworthy and ashamed that he'd rather celebrate his friend's last single days than cuddle all day in bed with you. 15. You have sex with him to make him love you more — even when you're not in the mood. While some people use sex to gauge the quality of their relationships, and many people think frequent sex is important, sex isn't currency. Even if sex did buy his love, you shouldn't feel the need to pay up, or worry that you'll lose him if you don't.
16. Your don't have time to pay your bills or do your laundry, let alone see your friends or call your mom because your relationship requires so much of your time. You don't come up for air because you can't. And you ignore the negative consequences. 17. You only feel alive when you're around him. Grabbing dinner with your friends used to make your week. Now plans with anyone but him feel like a total chore. 18. You get nothing done at work because he's constantly on your mind. You can't type while you compulsively check your phone to see whether he's texted. 19. You feel like your life has no meaning without him. Now that's just silly.
There is only one meaning of life, the act of living itself. — Erich Fromm
Perhaps we spend too much time looking for the meaning of life, as if it were a formula that would grant us wisdom and power and happiness. Maybe there isn’t a simple meaning to life, or just one meaning for everyone. In our addiction, we felt there must be an answer, a single answer to all our problems. A magic formula, perhaps, that would cure us instantly and set us free. How we wanted someone to come and give us that formula! But if there were a single answer, then life would be the same for everyone. And how boring that would be. What we learn in recovery is that life takes on meaning for each one of us only through our own actions and process of living — and that’s what makes our lives unique and adventurous.
I’m glad to be engaged in a lifetime search for meaning.
OCTOBER 16
Thou are not idle; in thy higher sphere, thy spirit bends itself to loving tasks. — James Russell Lowell
Since many of us are children of sex addicts, alcoholics, or parents with other addictive or abusive behaviors, we may have learned early in life how to hold back, how to move with caution, how to hedge our bets. We learned, as well, to react instead of act. The bold, well-thought-out action was not for us. We were impulsive. As recovering adults we still learn by watching others, but we don’t need to act like the cautious, yet impulsive child. We can choose to act as adults, deciding when to act and when to wait. There is much to be learned and there are new role models to help us. Our sponsor, healthy friends, and our brothers and sisters in the program are on our side. We can ask questions, bring our fears and concerns out into the open, and trust our ever-growing wisdom. We can be vulnerable and still feel safe.
Today, I will acknowledge my fear if I feel it, reassure the child within me, and Let Go and Let God.
I wanted to post an update on my celibacy streak because I still can't quite believe it: 349 days of no sex! This is a tremendous accomplishment for me because this is the longest I have gone without sex (acting out) in my entire life. When my recovery first began almost a year ago, I honestly thought that I might die if I couldn't act out. Maybe I am being overly dramatic when I say that but at the very least, I was convinced that I would never make it very long and/or be miserable for the entire time. What a surprise to me then that my initial thoughts were the exact opposite of what would actually transpire. I don't have any time left tonight to write much more than that because I have a paper to finish writing that's due tomorrow. But I will definitely post more on this topic as my 1 year sobriety date draws closer!
This morning in the shower, I was thinking about how different my life is today as compared to how it was 1 year ago. I had an epiphany when I realized a monumental difference: I am actually living fully in the present now. A year ago when I was acting out, I wasn't present in interactions with my family, friends, nor my clients. I was always fantasizing or obsessing about my most recent qualifier so in all actuality, I wasn't even present with myself. It has taken me many months to get to this good place and one of the many things in recovery that I am grateful for is being present. I never truly realized how much I was missing out on in life. I feel blessed to have found my way to recovery and not be living in misery and anxiety anymore! 😊
OCTOBER 14
In me there is darkness, But with you there is light. — Dietrich Bonhoeffer
A speaker at a meeting said, “To continue something when I’m making mistakes takes emotional courage.” She was talking about making a decision to turn her will and life over to her Higher Power, and how it works in her life. To keep turning our wills and our lives over to God’s care moves us into unknown territory. We will make mistakes, which is why we need God’s care as we experience it in the Third Step. It’s hard to keep going after we stumble, especially when we keep stumbling over and over again. With sexual abstinence comes the clarity and awareness to look honestly at ourselves and our mistakes. We want to stop making them. We want to be perfect. We’re impatient to change. But change doesn’t work that way. Instead, a caring God cushions us when we fall, loves us without conditions, and gives us everything we need. If God can forgive us when we make a mistake, how can we not do the same?
If I fall today, I will fall into the arms of my Higher Power. And then I’ll get up again.
Since I have started my masters program, I have realized that all of the worrying I have done over the past year regarding when I would start dating again was all a waste of time. That's because I have come to the conclusion that there is no way I will have time to date at any point in the foreseeable future. Therefore, the next 3 and a half years will give me the time I desperately need to work on self-acceptance which I think has been one of the missing puzzle pieces of my life. Out of curiosity, I did a Google search for this topic and I found this article on Psychologytoday.com:
Juliana Breines Ph.D.
Why You Have to Love Yourself First
The complex connections between self-esteem and romance.
Posted Jan 30, 2016
Popular wisdom tells us that healthy self-esteem is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship—that without sufficient self-love, we're not capable of truly loving others. Research suggests, however, that while our feelings about ourselves can certainly influence our feelings about others (and vice versa), the connection is more complicated than it may seem.
There is actually ample evidence that feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred can interfere with relationships. People with low self-esteem tend to underestimate their partner's love and view their partners in more negative terms, perhaps because they don't believe that "a good person" could love them. As a result, they tend to also report less satisfaction with their relationship and less optimism about its future. Further, those who question their own self-worth are more likely to anxiously expect rejection and vigilantly monitor their partners' behavior for signs of it, at times mistakenly interpreting benign acts as hostile and rejecting.
It's not just that people lacking in self-love view their relationships more negatively—they may also enter more negative relationships in the first place, selecting and staying with partners who don't treat them well.
According to research on self-verification, people with negative self-views are sometimes drawn to those who see them as they see themselves—that is, negatively. Low self-esteem is also linked with feeling less deserving of happiness, which could lead people to tolerate poor treatment.
Does this mean that high self-esteem is better for relationships? Not necessarily. At the higher extreme, self-esteem can move toward narcissism, which involves self-centeredness and inflated self-views. In relationships, those with narcissistic traits are often interested in partners who enhance their own self-image in some way—for example, those they perceive as especially attractive or successful. What may seem on the surface to be love and admiration may turn out to be more about exploitation and game-playing. A narcissist's interest may also be fleeting. (Narcissism may be one reason why celebrity couples' relationships rarely seem to last.)
Even when high self-esteem doesn't reach narcissistic extremes, it's not necessarily an asset in relationships. Research suggests that people with high self-esteem are more likely than others to use "exit" strategies when problems arise rather than taking more constructive approaches. And people with high self-esteem that is fragile and contingent on external validation (as self-esteem often is) are more likely to become defensive or blame others when facing their own transgressions.
Self-love, then, may not be as essential to relationships as we sometimes make it out to be. What seems to be more healthy is self-acceptance—that is, viewing yourself as a basically good person who is worthy of love, without needing to prove yourself or outshine others. A self-accepting person is less likely to burden a partner with either excessive reassurance-seeking or excessive criticism.
I found one of the best articles that I have read to date on love and sex addiction. This particular article also mentions SLAA. I found this article on Glamour.com:
The Life-Altering Realities of Sex and Love Addiction
“That was my first moment seeing that I had really become unwell,” the 33-year-old from Los Angeles recalls. “I seriously wanted to kill myself—like, in a very serious way,” she says, because of “a guy who never liked me to begin with not texting me back.”
The term “sex addict” might call to mind a male celeb who just got busted with the nanny: His face is plastered on the front page of a tabloid, eyes averted, the term “SEX ADDICT!” blaring on the cover in 72-point font. This is most people’s impression of the addiction: tawdry, pervy, sad, an excuse for laddish behavior. As Gwyneth Paltrow’s character jokes in the 2014 film Thanks for Sharing, when she learns the guy she is dating is a sex addict, “Isn’t that just something guys say they’re doing when they get caught cheating?”
In reality, sex addiction is much more complicated—and it doesn’t only affect men. Just as an alcoholic continues overdrinking even when it does her harm, a sex and love addict seeks out emotional and physical fulfillment from others, even when it hurts her.
Some addicts say they primarily have a sex addiction, while others lean toward the love addiction side of things. Either way, explains Linda Hudson, LSW, co-author of Making Advances: A Comprehensive Guide for Treating Female Sex and Love Addicts, a sex and love addiction describes a pattern of relationship behavior that is compulsive, out of control, and continues despite the consequences.
Addicts tend to zero in on whoever’s available—no matter how married, engaged, far away, or otherwise inappropriate he or she might be. “[With sex addiction] it’s not really about the person,” Hudson says. “People become objects to be used and not people to be related to.”
Our society mostly focuses on guys with sex addiction because, well, from the outside their spiraling-out looks pretty juicy. Male sex addicts are more likely to pursue commercial sex, explains Hudson, so they’ll turn to massage parlors, strip clubs, or online relationships to get their fix. Often, they don’t get caught until they do something illegal and/or incredibly stupid (paging Anthony Weiner), which makes the sex addict tabloid stereotype all the more salacious.
Men with sex addiction are more inclined to “just want to have sex and then move on” as opposed to becoming entwined in the emotional aspects of the relationship, Hudson explains, but sex addicts of both genders need continuous hits of attention and affection—women just go about it more privately.
Despite the name, sex and love addiction is the opposite of sexy—it is a deeply anguished and often isolating affliction. Charlene deGuzman says her sex addiction started as a “hunger for love and attention and validation.” For her, the confusion came from misplaced messages about her self-worth. “I had this story from a very early age that a woman who was sexually desired, a woman who was sexual, a woman men wanted to have sex with, was of value,” she told Glamour. "I believed that that was all I was good for."
Throughout her 20s, she assumed other straight women were reacting or feeling the way she did with men and that “all that guys would want from me” was sex. So she used sex as “a tool,” in her words, to keep men close to her. The trouble was, DeGuzman chose men who couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to her. When she got to the place where she felt suicidal over the guy who wouldn’t text back, “I wanted crumbs from guys at that point.”
It’s a story that sounds familiar to Lee Riley*, a 60-something woman (she declined to share her exact age, preferring to identify as “old enough to know better”) living in Los Angeles who is also a sex addict. “From as early as I can remember, I would be what was called boy-crazy by anybody who was watching,” Riley says. But this "boy-craziness" didn’t stop in her teenage years, or her 20s, or even her 30s. She described her addiction as “having sex with people I would not have lunch with” and “sitting and obsessing and fantasizing and making up scenarios in these big complex romantic fantasies.”
Riley thinks her sex addiction flew under the radar in part because society sort of expects—if not outright encourages—obsessive relationship behavior in women. After all, it appears frequently in rom-coms and pop songs, she says. But while movies and music nearly always have a happy ending, Riley’s reality was much different: “I was spending much too much time balled up on the floor in the fetal position, clutching my belly, just wanting to die because some guy hadn’t called me back.”
At age 42, after getting clean from a cocaine addiction, Riley eventually realized the anguish she felt over parting ways with a man was lasting “longer than the so-called relationship,” she says. “I would date someone for six weeks and I would suffer over it for six months. It was just becoming unbearable.” Her obsession with sex and relationships affected her daily life, including her career in Hollywood: “You’re sitting at your desk fantasizing about having a relationship with your married boss. Or [actually] having a relationship with your married boss—[I’ve] done that more than once!”
Married men were a particular problem for Riley. “Running around with married men was just, like, ‘This is so fun! I don’t have to make any commitment! I just get all the good, fun parts and they treat me like a princess and we don’t have to argue about bills or any of the dull parts!’” The expansion of women’s sexual freedom made it easier for Riley to justify her harmful behavior as “rebellious” or “antiauthoritarian,” she said, because it’s more palatable to consider yourself “free-spirited” than, say, a homewrecker. “I look back on it now and I think, Wow, I was really hurting a lot of people."
But as with any type of addiction, the addict in question probably isn’t thinking clearly about who her behavior could hurt. Addiction is a brain disease, and the illness is in control. “The experience of the addict is way more about the letdown than the high,” says Riley. “We don’t do it because the addictive substance feels so good, but because nothing else in life feels at all.”
Recovery for deGuzman and Riley came from joining Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, it’s a 12-step group that provides a support system for anyone seeking to control an addiction, though individual therapy can be helpful as well, explains Linda Hudson, the counselor. In particular, she says, addressing sexual trauma from childhood or teenage years may help sex addicts gain perspective on their behavior.
An enormous part of recovery for sex addicts is establishing healthy boundaries. “One of the most important things in the treatment process is learning that you have rights, you have limits, you get to say no,” says Hudson. Sex and relationship addicts can be so accustomed to accepting “crumbs,” as deGuzman put it, that they may not know how to leave a relationship that doesn’t feel good.
There’s also the need to stop sexualizing any kind of nurturing and instead give platonic friendships or professional relationships with the opposite sex room to breathe. Sexualizing every relationship “frequently happens if you don’t have good boundaries and you learn that sex is love,” Hudson explains. “Then you start sexualizing everything—affection or appreciation or admiration turns into sex.”
DeGuzman went to her first SLAA meeting when she was 27, at a friend’s suggestion. “I thought it was bullshit, I thought everyone was crazy there, and I thought I was fine,” she recalls. But three years later, after the suicidal thoughts, she found herself back at the meetings and on a path to recovery.
“The first step for me—which was the hardest and seemed impossible—was to completely withdraw,” she recalls. “So that meant getting out of this relationship with this guy, which took months because I really wasn’t willing to do it.” When deGuzman finally committed to kicking her addiction in January 2015, she still suffered through the physical and emotional pain of withdrawals just like any other addict.
Wrestling control of her sex and love addiction meant going cold turkey from everything she once loved. “I refrained from everything: dating, guys, contacting my ex, flirting, masturbation—which was really hard,” she says. “I went a year off masturbation and then I went like a year and a half without sex. “
No sex—with herself or anyone else—was an eye-opener for deGuzman, who found herself exploring new interests. She became hugely productive as a writer, actress, and YouTube performer. In fact, she penned a screenplay for Unlovable, a film about sex and love addiction, which has raised over $60,000 on Kickstarter and has Patton Oswalt as a producer.
In sobriety, says deGuzman, “I realized I had no idea who I was. I had always just tried to be whoever [the boy I was with] wanted me to be. I had never said no before because I was always so eager to be with any guy who gave me attention.” In March 2016, she introduced a healthy dating plan into her life, and she now carries a list of “red flags” on her phone.
Lee Riley has been sober from cocaine for 29 years and in recovery for sex addiction for about two decades. She currently dates, but has no plans to marry again. For her, the status of sex and love addiction in terms of how it’s viewed by the public is somewhat “like where alcoholism was in the 1950s, or drug addiction was in the 1970s.” That is to say that the addiction is treated as “very shameful, being very mentally ill, being [an] outlier.”
“I think one of the reasons it is such a big deal when an Anthony Weiner is ‘caught’ is because this is a very successful person. He’s not, like, some gutter dweller. This a successful person who is doing these crazy things.”
She adds, “You know what? Lots of successful people are doing these crazy things.”
