The origins

This evening I am angry. I am angry at my father for the way in which he treated me during a phone conversation that we had earlier. Moreover, I am angry because today's interactions with him illuminated the roots of my disease. Always, I have been seeking approval and validation from men. That was one of the most harmful qualities of my addiction: the loss of self dignity and respect during the process of trying to buy or "win" men's approval, validation, and "love". This behavior all started in my relationship with my father and I never truly realized the reality of the situation until this evening.
In addition to being hurtful, my interactions with my father this evening proved to be an a-ha moment for me. During the course of this conversation, he was verbally abusive and disrespectful; choosing to take out whatever frustrations he has in his own life on me. I am proud of myself because I was assertive and I did stick up for myself, telling him that I wasn't going to argue with him and I didn't appreciate nor deserve to be treated that way. The entire exchange has me very rattled, surprised, and quite frankly, extremely sad. I don't recall another occasion in my adulthood where anything such as that has ever transpired. I need to engage in self care and rest because the waves of self pity are threatening to drown me. I can only hope that I will feel better tomorrow. 😕