Eliminate bitterness toward men

Continuing on with the theme of elimination, tonight I have decided to focus on my tendency to be bitter towards all men based on the treatment that I received from a very small percentage of the male population. Showing feelings of bitterness or cynicism will not go very far in dealing with those of the opposite sex. And sometimes I would be sorely missing out because not every man is an evil, selfish, self absorbed, and unhealthy person just waiting for his next victim to come along. I firmly believe that good men are out there and with the help of my newfound self confidence and love, I am convinced that I will find him one day. I must have patience and enjoy my life just as it is in the present moment.

Eliminate comparing yourself to others

This evening during my grad school class, I began to notice how I am always comparing myself to others. It's insidious and I do it multiple times per day regarding an infinite number of things. I have been this way my entire life and I am honestly not sure why. What I realized this evening is that I want to work on reducing this (unhealthy) habit because it accomplishes nothing except the creation of negative feelings, typically shame, guilt, and self blame. I found an article on becomingminimalist.com that provides some great information on how to change this harmful way of thinking:

A Helpful Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

WRITTEN by JOSHUA BECKER

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt

I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.
I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.
I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:

Comparisons are always unfair.We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others.

Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured).

Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many.

You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else.

You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion.

There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on.

Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own.

Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves.

Comparisons deprive us of joy.They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.

Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.
How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison? Consider, embrace, and proceed forward with the following steps.

A Practical Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Take note of the foolish (and harmful) nature of comparison.

Take a good look at the list above. Take notice of comparison’s harmful effects in your life. And find priority to intentionally remove it from the inside-out.

Become intimately aware of your own successes.

Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.

Pursue the greater things in life.

Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.

Compete less. Appreciate more.

There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world.

Remind yourself nobody is perfect.

While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.

Take a walk.

Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.

Find inspiration without comparison.

Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference.
Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.

If you need to compare, compare with yourself.

We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves, but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.
With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.

November 28

NOVEMBER 28

What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner. — Colette

Colette was a French writer whose books give us a sense of a life fully lived. Yet, even she regretted that she hadn’t appreciated her good fortune earlier on. It was only while writing that she learned to see how lucky and happy she was and to praise life. Many of us are also tardy in realizing how rich our lives have been. It is often only in retrospect that we can see the beauty and feel the joy. How beautiful that day was! How much I was loved! How lucky I was to have such good friends around me! What a lovely child! Why didn’t we see what was happening in front of our very eyes? Why couldn’t we seize the moment? It is good to remember, but it is also splendid to live in the present and cherish each moment while it is happening.

I am learning to let go and live in the intensity of the here and now.

Boundaries

To build upon the post from yesterday, I found a fantastic article on building and maintaining boundaries. Interestingly, assertiveness and boundaries go hand in hand. I really need to work on these things. I know that not having these 2 essential traits leads to a shaky sense of self:

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and, really, a healthy life. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill. Unfortunately, it’s a skill that many of us don’t learn, according to psychologist and coach Dana Gionta, Ph.D. We might pick up pointers here and there from experience or through watching others. But for many of us, boundary-building is a relatively new concept and a challenging one.
Having healthy boundaries means “knowing and understanding what your limits are,” Dr. Gionta said.
Below, she offers insight into building better boundaries and maintaining them.
1. Name your limits.
You can’t set good boundaries if you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits, Gionta said. Consider what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”
2. Tune into your feelings.
Gionta has observed two key feelings in others that are red flags or cues that we’re letting go of our boundaries: discomfort and resentment. She suggested thinking of these feelings on a continuum from one to 10. Six to 10 is in the higher zone, she said.
If you’re at the higher end of this continuum, during an interaction or in a situation, Gionta suggested asking yourself, what is causing that? What is it about this interaction, or the person’s expectation that is bothering me?
Resentment usually “comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated.” It’s often a sign that we’re pushing ourselves either beyond our own limits because we feel guilty (and want to be a good daughter or wife, for instance), or someone else is imposing their expectations, views or values on us, she said.
“When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary,” Gionta said.
3. Be direct.
With some people, maintaining healthy boundaries doesn’t require a direct and clear-cut dialogue. Usually, this is the case if people are similar in their communication styles, views, personalities and general approach to life, Gionta said. They’ll “approach each other similarly.”
With others, such as those who have a different personality or cultural background, you’ll need to be more direct about your boundaries. Consider the following example: “one person feels [that] challenging someone’s opinions is a healthy way of communicating,” but to another person this feels disrespectful and tense.
There are other times you might need to be direct. For instance, in a romantic relationship, time can become a boundary issue, Gionta said. Partners might need to talk about how much time they need to maintain their sense of self and how much time to spend together.
4. Give yourself permission.
Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls, Gionta said. We might fear the other person’s response if we set and enforce our boundaries. We might feel guilty by speaking up or saying no to a family member. Many believe that they should be able to cope with a situation or say yes because they’re a good daughter or son, even though they “feel drained or taken advantage of.” We might wonder if we even deserve to have boundaries in the first place.
Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.
5. Practice self-awareness.
Again, boundaries are all about honing in on your feelings and honoring them. If you notice yourself slipping and not sustaining your boundaries, Gionta suggested asking yourself: What’s changed? Consider “What I am doing or [what is] the other person doing?” or “What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” Then, mull over your options: “What am I going to do about the situation? What do I have control over?”
6. Consider your past and present.
How you were raised along with your role in your family can become additional obstacles in setting and preserving boundaries. If you held the role of caretaker, you learned to focus on others, letting yourself be drained emotionally or physically, Gionta said. Ignoring your own needs might have become the norm for you.
Also, think about the people you surround yourself with, she said. “Are the relationships reciprocal?” Is there a healthy give and take?
Beyond relationships, your environment might be unhealthy, too. For instance, if your workday is eight hours a day, but your co-workers stay at least 10 to 11, “there’s an implicit expectation to go above and beyond” at work, Gionta said. It can be challenging being the only one or one of a few trying to maintain healthy boundaries, she said. Again, this is where tuning into your feelings and needs and honoring them becomes critical.
7. Make self-care a priority.
Gionta helps her clients make self-care a priority, which also involves giving yourself permission to put yourself first. When we do this, “our need and motivation to set boundaries become stronger,” she said. Self-care also means recognizing the importance of your feelings and honoring them. These feelings serve as “important cues about our wellbeing and about what makes us happy and unhappy.”
Putting yourself first also gives you the “energy, peace of mind and positive outlook to be more present with others and be there” for them.” And “When we’re in a better place, we can be a better wife, mother, husband, co-worker or friend.”
8. Seek support.
If you’re having a hard time with boundaries, “seek some support, whether [that’s a] support group, church, counseling, coaching or good friends.” With friends or family, you can even make “it a priority with each other to practice setting boundaries together [and] hold each other accountable.”
Consider seeking support through resources, too. Gionta likes the following books: The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time and Boundaries in Marriage (along with several books on boundaries by the same authors).
9. Be assertive.
Of course, we know that it’s not enough to create boundaries; we actually have to follow through. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we still expect others to know what hurts us, Gionta said. Since they don’t, it’s important to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.
In a respectful way, let the other person know what in particular is bothersome to you and that you can work together to address it, Gionta said.
10. Start small.
Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice. Gionta suggested starting with a small boundary that isn’t threatening to you, and then incrementally increasing to more challenging boundaries. “Build upon your success, and [at first] try not to take on something that feels overwhelming.”
“Setting boundaries takes courage, practice and support,” Gionta said. And remember that it’s a skill you can master.

Assertiveness

I am in the midst of a group project for one of my grad school classes and I am learning quite a bit about how I deal with group dynamics, especially unpleasant ones. I have decided that working on being more assertive would help me in the future. I am posting about this topic here because I think a lack of assertiveness contributed to the development of my love and sex addiction. I found this article on psychcentral.com:

5 Tips to Increase Your Assertiveness

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

“Assertiveness is all about being present in a relationship,” according to Randy Paterson, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships. In other words, you’re able to articulate your wants and needs to the other person, and you welcome their wants and needs as well.
Being assertive is starkly different from being passive or aggressive. Paterson has a helpful analogy that distinguishes the differences. He explained:

In the passive style, all the world is allowed on stage but for you — your role is to be the audience and supporter for everyone else. In the aggressive style, you’re allowed on stage but you spend most of your time shoving the others off, like in a lifelong sumo match. With the assertive style, everyone is welcome onstage. You are entitled to be a full person, including your uniqueness, and so are others.

“Assertiveness involves advocating for yourself in a way that is positive and proactive,” said Joyce Marter, LCPC, psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance, LLC. It also means being clear, direct and honest, she said.
For instance, if you’re upset with your boss over your performance review, you’re able to express your opinion in a diplomatic and professional way, she said. Again, this is very different from the other styles. If you’re passive, you might swallow your feelings and become resentful, which can chip away at your self-esteem and boost stress and anxiety, she said. If you’re aggressive, you might curse out your boss and quit. If you’re passive-aggressive, you might call in sick and give your boss the silent treatment, she said.

Why Some People Aren’t Assertive

Why are some people assertive while others aren’t? Many factors may contribute. Stress is one. “The fight-or-flight response is an evolutionary adaptation that pulls us toward aggression or avoidance, and away from calm, relaxed assertiveness,” Paterson said.
A person’s belief system also plays a role. According to Paterson, these assertive-sabotaging stances include: “Being nice means going along with others” or “It doesn’t matter if I’m assertive, no one will pay attention anyway” or “He’ll leave me!” That’s why it’s so important to become aware of these beliefs. “[This way you] can examine them clearly and rationally and decide what to do,” he said.
People with low self-esteem may feel inadequate and have a hard time finding their voice, Marter said. Others might fear conflict, losing a relationship, criticism or rejection, she said.
If you’re a woman, you might’ve been raised to set aside your needs and opinions and support and agree with others, Paterson said. If you’re a man, you might’ve been raised to react aggressively with a “my way or the highway” view, he said. Or just the opposite, you might want to be completely different. “[These individuals may be] fearful of provoking aggression when they are present in relationships, or of being ‘a jerk like my father was.’”

How to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. It may always be easier for you to swallow your feelings, scream at someone or give them the silent treatment. But assertiveness is a better strategy. It works because it respects you and others.
As Paterson writes in The Assertiveness Workbook:

Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don’t try to become someone else’s mirror. We don’t try to suppress someone else’s uniqueness. We don’t try to pretend that we’re perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there.

These are some ideas to get you started.
1. Start small. You wouldn’t try to scale a mountain before reading a manual, practicing on a rock wall and then moving on to bigger peaks. Going in unprepared just sets you up for failure. Paterson suggested trying to be assertive in mildly tense situations, such as requesting to be seated at a different spot at a restaurant. Then gently work up to tougher situations such as talking to your spouse about infidelity issues, he said.
2. Learn to say no. People worry that saying no is selfish. It’s not. Rather, setting healthy limits is important to having healthy relationships. Here are 10 ways to build and preserve better boundaries, along with 21 tips to squelch being a people-pleaser.
3. Let go of guilt. Being assertive can be tough — especially if you’ve been passive or a people pleaser most of your life. The first few times it can feel unnerving. But remember that being assertive is vital to your well-being. “Assertive behavior that involves advocating for oneself in a way that is respectful of others is not wrong — it is healthy self-care,” Marter said.
Sometimes, you might be unwittingly perpetuating your guilty feelings with negative thoughts or worries. “Replace negative thoughts — such as ‘I am a bad person for not loaning my friend money’ — with a positive mantra [such as] ‘I deserve to have financial stability and not put myself in jeopardy,’” she said.
Deep breathing also helps ease your worries and anxiety. “Breathe in what you need — peace, strength, serenity — and breathe out feelings of guilt, anxiety or shame.”
And if you still feel uncomfortable, put yourself in a compassionate parent or best friend’s shoes. “Sometimes it is easier to think about speaking up for somebody else who we love than it is for ourselves,” Marter said.
4. Express your needs and feelings. Don’t assume that someone will automatically know what you need. You have to tell them. Again, be specific, clear, honest and respectful, Marter said.
Take the example of ordering food at a restaurant, she said. You’d never just order a “sandwich.” Instead you’d request a “tuna on rye with slices of cheddar cheese and tomatoes.” If you’re worried of upsetting someone, use “I” statements, which usually make people less defensive.
According to Marter, instead of saying, “You have no clue what my life is like, and you are a selfish ass,” you might say, “I am exhausted and I need more help with the kids.” What also helps is tempering your anger and speaking from a place of hurt, she said, such as: “I feel so lonely and need you to spend time with me.”
“Focus on the real issue, not the minutiae,” she said. In other words, “are you really mad that the toilet seat was left up or that you were up with the baby five times the night before?” If it’s the baby — and it likely is — be clear and specific: “I am upset that I was up with the baby five times last night and need for you to get up at least twice a night.”
5. Check out resources on assertiveness. In addition to Paterson’s The Assertiveness Workbook, Marter recommended Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (9th Edition) by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons and Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others by Judy Murphy. Paterson also suggested taking a course on effective communication.

November 25

NOVEMBER 25
Visions for those too tired to sleep. These seeds cast a film over eyes which weep. — Amy Lowell

Many of us have struggled with depression during our lives. Many of us have also felt shame when we were depressed, as if we were lazy or weren’t trying hard enough. But that isn’t true. The causes of depression are complex, and those of us who suffer from it owe it to ourselves to keep searching for relief. As recovering addicts, we long to put all our energy into our new lives. The hopelessness, self-blame, and apathy of depression can be paralyzing and even life-threatening. In recovery, when we need to eliminate stress, depression is a burden we don’t have to carry. Whether our feelings are a result of external circumstances or our body’s chemistry, we can take good care of ourselves. We can feel our anger and sadness. We can seek professional help if necessary. Recovery doesn’t mean an end to suffering, but the program promises this too shall pass. There can be an end to the suffering of depression. We have good reason to hope we will feel joy again.

In my Higher Power’s compassion for my suffering, I find strength and consolation.

365 Days of Blog Posts

Today marks 365 days of posts here on my blog. When I started this, I honestly never dreamed I would stick to this committment so thoroughly, never missing an entry for the entire year. Although my ex-husband would argue otherwise, I am exceptionally good at commitment.
In posting to this blog every evening, I have helped myself to process, sort through, and identify areas that I have struggled with. Also, this blog has given me a place where I could simply vent about having an addiction that few people have heard of and even fewer people understand. I think one of the more interesting things about my blog is the fact that I didn't start it to get dozens of readers each day. Even now, it doesn't matter to me much although it would be nice to get awareness of love and sex addiction out to the masses who have never heard of it. My goal in starting the blog was so I could go back and reread my entries and see how much progress I have made in recovery. It has also been useful to have a place to vent as well, which I already mentioned earlier. I am happy that I started it as it has served its purpose very well. I look forward to another 365 days' worth of entries. For those of you who do read, thank you. I genuinely appreciate the interest in a topic that has completely affected every facet of my life.

Co-parenting Nightmares From the Front Lines

As many of you know, the consequences of my love and sex addiction stretch far and wide. I think it would take many hours and quite a bit of thought to detail all of the consequences from the many years of my addiction. One of these consequences was both of my failed marriages. Because my first marriage did not produce any children, I did not have to interact with my first husband after the divorce was final. Obviously that was not the case with my follow up marriage because I have a son with my second husband. Co-parenting with this guy has become an intolerable nightmare. It's not bad enough that I have to pay him child support (which he uses for his girlfriend) but I have to interact with this person who does not have a firm grip on reality for the sake of my son. Because this has become such an issue, I did some research on Google to find resources to help me. I found this article from itsovereasy.com which is full of many helpful tips:

Co-parenting with an Asshole – Or Someone Who Does Things Much Differently Than You

Written by it's over easy Founder & C.E.O. Laura Wasser, Esq. 

Without question, one of the biggest hurdles in a divorce is how to deal with shared custody.

In many post-dissolution relationships, custody disputes are the gifts that just keep giving. And it’s not so much about physical custody or shared time, but, rather, the issues incident to legal custody: your children’s health, welfare, academics and the general topics that are sometimes tough to deal with, even when the parents are on the same page and under the same roof.

When parents split up, there are often shifts in thinking, with regard to many of the tacit agreements made during marriage. Your ex-wife’s agreement to immunize in the normal course falls by the wayside, when one of the members of her women’s group warns that vaccination equals autism. Your ex-husband’s agreement to raise the kids Jewish and get on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah track becomes a pipe dream. Decisions regarding which school your children will attend, in which extracurricular activities they will participate, whether or not they will go to sleep away summer camp, be allowed to use a cell phone, receive allowance or even pierce their ears, all become major debates that can open whole new channels of hatred between you and your co-parent.

As I have written in past articles, and told many a client and friend: pick your battles.

Although, it is true that there are few things more soul crushing than making it through a week of potty training, only to have your 2 ½ year old returned to you after a weekend in diapers.

I have a friend who tried to discipline her 15 year-old daughter by taking away her cell phone for a month, after my friend discovered a second, and far more salacious, Instagram account that her daughter had opened. Three days into the punishment, the teen arrived home from a weekend at Dad’s with a new phone, new number, new Instagram account(s). WTF?!

Why can’t parents get on the same page when it comes to raising their children? In some cases, it’s an intentionally passive aggressive (or massive aggressive) move to curry favor with the childrenand become the most loved parent. Sometimes, it’s a simple lack of consideration (the same kind of behavior that you loved so much when you were a couple). Or maybe it’s laziness about discipline and boundary setting. Whatever the reason, you cannot, in most instances, go running back to court for every infraction. Even if you could, many of the issues co-parents face are not enforceable by a court. (For better or worse, there are no pacifier police who will intervene after you have painstakingly weaned your toddler from the paci, and your ex pops one in his mouth because, during her custodial time, “He wouldn’t go to sleep without it and then….it looks so cute and seems to make him happy when he has it – what’s another couple of months?”)

Big-ticket items, however, like religion, academics and medical (the immunization debate goes on despite the laws enacted in many states that ALL children must be vaccinated in order to attend public and private schools) are within the Family Court’s jurisdiction to determine. But this is a costly endeavor. Not to mention, long after the gavel has banged, you are left to deal with a bitter parent who refuses to participate in church events, notwithstanding the court’s decision that your kids continue to attend Catholic school.

My office often advises parents to work with a co-parenting counselor who can help resolve difficult issues without the need for court intervention. Better communication tools, compromise and input from a neutral third party are all beneficial, in certain situations.

Many jurisdictions also give parties the ability to stipulate or agree to let the Court appoint a Special Master or Parenting Plan Coordinator, who has the discretion to make binding decisions on limited issues surrounding custody.

But really, this article is about the every day coping you do with someone who has equal power, but completely different ideologies about the most important beings in your universe.

A few things to keep in mind:

First, plenty of people were raised with only one good parent, and they turned out fine. Actually, some of the most accomplished people I know had little or no parental guidance. (I grew up in the 80’s.) Be the best parent YOU can be to your kids. Don’t spend so much time worrying about what is or isn’t going on over there.

Next, take the high road – no shit talking about your co-parent. Remember, the way your kids see it is that you bad-mouthing their other parent is you bad-mouthing a part of them. They can’t help that you chose someone with whom to share their DNA.

And hold strong. Be consistent. Set boundaries.

Kids crave consistency (even if they don’t know it), and psychologists tell us that boundaries make kids feel safe. Yeah, you will be the bad guy, the mean mom or uncool dad. But they will get it. They may already get it. While you may feel unappreciated for your efforts, believe me, your kids know. On some, perhaps even subconscious, level, they recognize. There is no need to shove it in their faces.

I have a friend from college, Molly. At her mom’s 60th, she made a toast. It was taken from an essay she wrote in college called, “Mom, I Always Knew.” It harkened back to when she was a kid. Her parents had split up, and she and her sister would spend Wednesdays and alternate weekends with their dad. He would let them wear make-up, stay up as late as they wanted, talking on their princess phone and watching TV in their room. He never made them cook or help clean up because they mostly went out to eat, and he had a housekeeper who came three days a week. At Molly’s mom’s house, there was only one phone line, and there was no TV in Molly’s room. She wasn’t allowed to watch TV on school nights. There were chores and a curfew and lots of yelling and eye rolling and door slamming. But Molly’s essay, and the toast she later shared with her mother and her 60th birthday party guests, spoke of the strength and sense of safety her “mean mom” imparted, simply by being the stronger parent: the parent who said no; the parent who made decisions and stuck to them, even when it wasn’t easy or popular; the parent who often cried herself to sleep because she was certain that her daughters hated her, loved their dad more and would ultimately love whomever he ended up with and want that person to be their mom. But, as Molly’s essay pointed out, she and her sister always knew her to be the stronger parent. Even if they didn’t show it at the time, they respected her for her resoluteness. Yes, they thoroughly manipulated and took advantage of their father’s laissez-faire parenting, but they knew who had the strength and power in their world – who made it all happen. Their mom was their rock, their safe place, and when they became parents, they wanted to be just like her.

Stay healthy. Try not to allow toxicity to infect your custodial time or your parenting experience. Roll with the punches, as much as is reasonably possible, and see whether you can turn negative experiences into opportunities to teach your child something valuable. If you sign up and pay for piano lessons, and your ex continuously fails (or refuses) to facilitate practice or to take your child to those lessons on his/her days, learn from the experience. When scheduling the next activity, see whether the class or instructor can be flexible and offer alternate weeks, so you can go on your days only and not have to depend on anyone else. At a certain point, your kids will be of an age where they can take some responsibility for their commitments. But for now, ask your kids, “Do you want to take piano?” If the answer is “Yes,” then make certain they understand the commitment involved with practicing and attending lessons.

My friend Cyrus’ ex was angry, and she co-parented with a vengeance. Despite that it made her son uncomfortable, she generally “forgot” to pack his pajamas or special blanket, when it was Cyrus’ custodial time. At the outset, Cyrus would get frustrated, text his ex about what an asshole she was and let her behavior set the course for his precious time with their son. Eventually, Cyrus figured out how to replicate the special blanket, stocked up on PJ’s and anything else necessary for peaceful overnights. Most importantly, he taught his son, at a relatively early age, how to go through and make a list of anything and everything he wanted to pack to bring to his dad’s house. Now, his 18-year-old has gone off to university a super well-adjusted college student who is organized, responsible and makes a mean checklist.

The definition of co (as in co-parenting) is “together, mutually in common.” Cooperation, compromise, co-exist, communication all start with co, and each lends itself to a successful co-parenting relationship. Navigating the obstacle course of parenting can be exhausting – particularly when your co-parent is not much of a co. But as they say, parenting is the best job you will ever have. If you cannot adjust and adapt to the daily trials and tribulations, you are short-changing your child and yourself. Remind yourself why you procreated with your ex in the first place and try to see the good in her/him – even when it’s tough. Then, think about how happy you are that your interactions with this person are limited to those that involve your offspring. Do your best to get through them with grace and strength of character.

You got this.

Day #381

I have so many things to be thankful for this year. Some of these are my son, family, friends, health, job, education, and of course my sobriety. When I began my recovery from love and sex addiction over a year ago, I never dreamed that I would be this successful or receive so many blessings so to say that I am pleasantly surprised is an understatement. This evening, my son and I went to my brother and sister in law's for Thanksgiving and my dad was there as well. It felt so nice to be present and focused rather than distracted and obsessed with my phone. I am looking forward to continuing to reap the benefits of recovery! One day at a time...

Controlling men (Part 2)

I wanted to conclude my post on controlling men by posting an informative article that I got from lovebondings.com:

Dealing With the Real Causes of Controlling Behavior in Relationships

It is not hard to find someone telling their partner what to do, where to go, and how to behave. In fact more often than not, you'd realize you're noticing that in your own relationship! The dilemma is whether two people can ever overcome this conflict and develop a genuine bonding.

 LoveBondings Staff

"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

―Melody Beattie

Pain, anger, and frustration are common for you if your partner is a bit of a control freak. Dealing with a dominant partner can be very tricky at times -- almost a choice between retaining your personal space, or the relationship itself! Controlling friends or colleagues don't affect us just as much; however, they definitely add up to the frustration.

Though such a relationship can be suffocating, it's not the end of the world! At times, people tend to overreact. Genuine concern and protectiveness can also be misunderstood for controlling behavior; there is a very thin line differentiating the two. Learning to tackle such people is one way out, otherwise it's only a matter of time till you get best of them.

Is Your Partner Taking Over Your Life?

Ask yourself the following questions to check if your partner is really holding the reins of your life or is it just you getting worked up over nothing. 

Does your partner lose his/her temper at the drop of a hat?

Do you feel like you have no personal space whatsoever?

Are you afraid of telling your partner something because of his/her reactions?

Are you constantly told to change things about yourself?

Is it unacceptable for you to do several things that are perfectly acceptable for him/her to do?

When you disagree, are you told that you are often 'incapable' of understanding?

Do you constantly feel inadequate, like nothing you do is ever good enough?

Are you frequently told by your partner that you are good, but not good enough at most things?

Are you cut off during conversations as though your opinion counted for little or almost nothing?

Is he/she always moody and inconsiderate about his/her radical behavior towards you?

Do you feel distanced from your friends and family since you met him/her?

Does he/she feel free to insult you irrespective of who's around?

Are your accomplishments belittled versus his/hers?

Do your friends and family have a bad or rash opinion about him/her?

Does your partner feel he/she is always correct?

If your answer is yes to most, or all the above questions, then your partner is most likely to be controlling you. If you are unsure, check if he/she follows these behavior patterns.

Telltale Signs of a Controlling Partner

Following are the signs of a controlling partner:

Short-tempered and moody to an extent that you might find yourself scared of their mood swings

Abusive -- either physically, emotionally, or both

Your feelings, decisions, and problems amount to little for them

Willing to go to any extent to get his/her way

Your relationship always circles around their priorities

Commits the same mistake every time, only to relentlessly apologize later without meaning it

Hates the idea of you being independent and self-sufficient

Breaks down as soon as you threaten to break free, emotionally blackmails you into staying

Reasons for Controlling Behavior in Relationships

The first step to finding out the cause is noticing your partner. Observe and put in a thought to his or her actions and thought process. Unless you understand his/her issues and concerns, merely cribbing is not going to help.

This also includes judging such people fairly; ultimately, all this is pointless if your feelings make you completely blind to a side of theirs. Being dominant could be a person's character trait, but mostly such behavior is triggered -- for a short or long while -- by any of the following reasons:

Insecurities and Possessiveness

Almost everyone whose partner is controlling will agree that he/she is insecure and possessive at some level. Before you start complaining about feeling strangled and restrained, try to understand the other person's point of view. Merely mud-slinging and blaming each other is going to take the relationship nowhere.

Psychologically, a man's basic instinct is to protect and control! They are hardwired to call the shots and be the 'alpha' in a relationship. Women, on the other hand, usually make more sacrifices and mend their ways to build a relationship and thus are bound to feel 'pushed over' or neglected at times.

So feeling insecure is natural in any relationship. One needs to be careful that it doesn't turn to irrational over-possessiveness that eats up your personal space and suffocates you.

Has He/She Always Been Dominant?

If the person has always been the more controlling and dominant one, then it is a strong part of his/her personality itself. As a character trait, dominance need not be overpowering. However, if your partner uses this as an excuse to get away with saying or doing unacceptable things, then it is a serious concern.

Past Experiences

Trust and faith are the most important aspects in any relationship. If your partner has faced betrayal in the past, chances are that he/she will be apprehensive about trusting anyone again.

These experiences could be with anyone close to them; their previous partner, family members or even trusted friends! With these trust issues and conflicts targeted towards you, you would tend to be frustrated.

Here, there's a good and a bad side. The bright side is that your partner will not hold out on you forever. He/she is scarred from a previous relationship; with enough love, compassion and time they are sure to overcome these feelings of insecurity and betrayal. The not-so-good side is that even after being extremely patient and understanding, it may take them extremely long to start trusting you.

Constantly Seeks Love and Approval

People, who are extremely dominant or controlling are undoubtedly the biggest attention seekers. With such a partner, your life is bound to circle around his/her needs and priorities. On a subconscious level, they seek someone's approval and praise. This could be because of a childhood trauma, the feeling of not having accomplished much in their life, or their fear of abandonment.

How to Deal with Them?

Communicate

Talk to your partner; assure him/her of their value in your life. Let them know that you are willing to go an extra mile to help them, even if you have to make some personal sacrifices. Talking can take you a long way in resolving this issue.

Be Patient

Remember that your partner could be truly hurt and disturbed by a certain issue -- from the distant or recent past. He/she might find such instances too personal to be shared. Don't get hurt and disheartened. To sort this, you will have to be tremendously patient.

Earn Trust

Just saying things will not truly affect someone. Let your actions reflect your thoughts. Take that extra effort to show them you are faithful; be honest and completely transparent about each detail of your life. Remember, trust is a subconscious phenomenon. If they feel that genuineness, then it is just a matter of time before they let go of their insecurities!

Always Have Options

Don't give in to your spouse's demands just because he or she is dominating. Ensure that you always have an option in every argument, or decision. It cannot simply be their way or the highway.

Learn to Say No

The first step in standing up to the bully in a relationship is to say "no." Tell them when something is unacceptable and irrational. This is crucial because it lets the other person know that you are going to take a stand for what you believe, no matter how much they undermine your opinion, or belittle you.

Be Strong-willed

Such people get desperate when things don't go their way. They will try manipulating or threatening you so much that unless you agree, they might do something rash. Don't fall for any of this irrespective of how much they intimidate, or emotionally blackmail you. One instance of weakness will eventually mean giving in to their demands always.

Respect Yourself

Put your foot down whenever he/she crosses a line; like telling you to behave in a certain way or commenting on your clothing. Unless you respect yourself, no one out there is going to respect you. So it is important to stand up for yourself and never give in to irrational demands. Don't let him or her trample over you time and again and get away with a mere superficial apology.

As the submissive one, you need to introspect as to what you seek from the relationship. If you are looking for a faithful and long-term commitment, then is your partner looking for the same goals as well? If yes, only then it is sensible to invest so much effort in improving things.

Controlling men (Part 1)

Today I delivered the eulogy at my great uncle's funeral and after the service, my family and I went to a local restaurant for dinner. Well, my ex-husband's newest victim, er, I mean fiancé works there as a waitress. It is a pretty complicated story however my ex came in to eat during the time my family was there. My aunt was observing my ex and his fiancé's interactions and asked me if he was controlling. My mom piped in to answer the question,  stating that he was one of the most controlling people she has ever met. After thinking about the relationship between my ex and I, I can now see how controlling he really was. This post is going to be a 2 part one so check back tomorrow for the conclusion....

November 19

NOVEMBER 19

What is moral is what you feel good after. — Ernest Hemingway

For so long, we defined feeling good by short-lived, sensual gratification. One of the consequences of sex addiction is the weakening or, worse, near destruction of our moral values. Taking inventory of our morals in recovery helps us on our way to becoming truly moral people once again. We can decide what our personal morals are through experience, the program’s wisdom, and the guidance of a Higher Power. One of the greatest gifts of recovery is moral integrity, an inner and steadfast sense of what is right and wrong. If we do not have this, we will be forced to depend on things outside ourselves. If we espouse one thing publicly, but don’t really believe it, we will not live it, either. Our recovery depends on consistent values — especially values about sexuality — that lets us feel serene and good about ourselves. With the help of a searching and fearless inventory, we can live now according to our personal sense of morality and truly feel good again.

I will be open to the ideas of other people, but I will be guided by my own values.

It's an (almost) Christmas miracle

My mother is proud of me. She's really truly proud of me. I told her yesterday that my newly identified goal in life is to become truly self-sufficient. I don't want to have to rely on anyone; most especially a man, who in my experience can't be trusted most of the time. This morning she told me that she was proud of me for finally arriving at this decision. She stated that is what she has wanted for me all along. I am happy that I am independent and if I choose to have anyone in my life, it will be because I want him there, not because I need him to be there. In my opinion, that is one of the biggest blessings of my recovery thus far.

Five Reasons to Never Chase a Guy

In my 22 years of relationship experience, I think there has been very few times where I didn't chase the guy who was the latest focus of my affection. Moreover, as the years went on, you could bet that the men I pursued so fervently were some of the most toxic and screwed up of all. I cannot articulate how this chasing eroded my self esteem and self worth. Matter of fact, at the very end, I didn't have a shred of either left. That's part of the reason why I wanted to share this article; it outlines quite perfectly how devastating and soul sucking this chasing can be. And it's all a colossal waste of time. From mandyhale.com:

Five Reasons Why You Should Never Chase a Guy

October 8, 2015
By: Mandy Hale

Modern-day dating can be extremely tricky. And by “tricky” I mean often infuriating, frustrating, and unclear. It’s ironic that with all the texting and Facebooking and Snapchatting and oodles of other ways to send messages back and forth nowadays, never has communication felt more…non-communicative. No one’s dating anymore, they’re “hanging out.” And in the midst of all this super casual “hanging out,” signals and wires and intentions seem to have gotten crossed. Instead of the men pursuing the women, a lot of men seem to be sitting back waiting on the women to pursue THEM. Now, please don’t make me launch into some diatribe about how men are natural hunters and gatherers and were born to be the initiators of relationships (because it’s true, but I don’t feel like doing the research to prove it). And please don’t misunderstand me, either. I’m not suggesting we, as women, sit around sniffing our smelling salts like Scarlett O’Hara and play the helpless female in need of a big, strong man to come and rescue us. That’s not my point here at all. My point is this: Men seem to have forgotten how to pursue women. And women seem to have picked up that slack by becoming the pursuers. And in my humble opinion, a relationship that begins as a result of a woman chasing a man doesn’t tend to have a happy ending. I know this because I’m 36 years old and I can say in full confidence with years of dating experience under my belt that anytime I have chased a man, the relationship has gone nowhere fast. But when I sit back and relax and stay open and receptive to the relationship without openly pursuing it, it has always, always, always worked out better. (And b-t-dubs: I consider myself a feminist. But part of being an empowered woman is knowing your heart, your time, and your company is worth being wooed and pursued.) Perhaps you have a different opinion or have had a different experience, and that’s okay. That’s why this is my blog and not yours – LOL! If you do connect with this concept, however, and if you’ve lost months or years of your life to endlessly chasing a man who always seems to stay one step ahead…here are five reasons why chasing a man is the actual worst:

It’s humiliating, exhausting, and downright bad for your self-esteem. It’s impossible to feel good about yourself if you’re willing to trade in your dignity for a pair of running shoes in order to chase after any man. And your dignity and self-esteem are never worth surrendering, for anyone or anything.

If you have to chase him, ladies, here’s the cold, hard truth: He doesn’t want to be caught. A man who wants to be with a woman will always be running TOWARD her, not away from her.

He’s clearly not that great of a guy. Why? Because a man of character would stop dodging and evading and being shady and would sit down with you face-to-face to tell you honestly that he doesn’t want to be with you. He wouldn’t keep playing games with your heart or keep you hanging around as his backup plan.

You are missing out on the things and people and relationships that are meant for you by wasting all your time and energy and emotions on the things that are not. When you stop chasing the things that aren’t for you, you give the things that ARE a chance to catch up to you. But as long as you’re caught up in the drama of an on-again, off-again endless pursuit, you literally have blinders to all the amazing things already staring you right in the face.

Even if you catch him, you won’t really ever HAVE him. I’ve learned this firsthand, the hard way. You can catch someone’s body and still not capture their heart. (And no, I’m not talking about sex here.) You can have someone’s physical presence there with you and their heart can still be light years away. On the bright side, the really amazing thing that sometimes happens by catching someone you’ve been chasing after for so long is it finally opens your eyes to why God never intended for you to catch him at all. Because sometimes it takes getting everything you ever thought you wanted to fully understand it’s nothing you need, and far from what you deserve.

I hope wherever you are in your journey today, you’ll realize that you are worth being pursued. You deserve a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to capture your heart. Take off those running shoes and give your legs and your heart a break.

November 16

NOVEMBER 16

A man is known by the company his mind keeps. — Thomas Bailey Aldrich

We are often judged by the friends we have, but perhaps we are also known by what we read and listen to and see at the movies and on television. Certainly, everything that happens to us affects us, and everything that affects us influences our way of dealing with other people and viewing the world. Many sex addicts devour pornography, go to X-rated movies and watch “blue” videos. “It’s harmless,” we say. “We have a right in this country to see and hear what we like.” Freedom from censorship — that’s an issue in itself. But as sex addicts we are particularly vulnerable to material that focuses narrowly on the human body as an object of lust and exploitation. As sex addicts, we tend, in any case, to dehumanize people and view sex as an act without consequences, divorced from intimacy. Exposure to material that insults sex increases our fixations, our isolation, our fantasies, and our shame. There’s so much to see and hear and savor in the world. Why demean ourselves with actions that only drive us deeper into shame and despair?

I need to open my mind to the wonders of life and knowledge.

More benefits of my recovery

In my free time, I actually focus on the task at hand rather than spending my time focused on electronics in order to act out with men to find that elusive validation I have always been looking for. And although I still struggle with procrastination, the content that I create once I begin a task is of a much higher quality than it was during my active addiction. For example, there have been several occasions since I started school where I waited until the last minute to start assignments. Before I would have had to juggle my schoolwork with being on my phone at the same time. Now I am free to focus exclusively on my assignments and my current GPA reflects that. I know I have mentioned this before but it bears repeating: my relationship with my son has been strengthened immensely. Moreover, the time we do spend together is much more meaningful because I am actually present in the moment. This time with my son is priceless because he has been the greatest blessing of my life. ❤❤❤

Insidious disease

I wanted to share the daily meditation from Answers in the Heart from a few days ago because this entry very much resonated with me. Addiction is such a miserable disease and there are days where you feel like your life has turned into a living nightmare. I think many people with this insidious disease have considered suicide as a solution, me included. I thank God everyday that was not the path I was meant to take. I will remain always grateful for my continued recovery and sobriety.

In the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure. — Heart Warrior Chosa

In the depths of our addiction to sex, some of us hated ourselves so much that we didn’t believe we deserved to live. Some of us had this idea planted in our minds when we were children. Some of us had lives that didn’t seem worth living. And some of us were suffering so much from our addiction that we were willing to do anything to be rid of it. When things are that hard, some of us turn to thoughts of suicide. How do we go on when we can’t any longer? Very gently. We use everything we can to help us stay alive: the thought of a beloved child, a friendship with a group member, time-out from our normal life, turning ourselves over to our Higher Power. When we feel suicidal, we may not care about anything; we feel alienated and isolated. But we’re not. To even keep breathing connects us to life. And if we open ourselves to the fullness of the moment, from this most basic act our connections expand infinitely. We’ve only to hang on, one minute at a time, and reasons to hope again will come.

My life is precious because it was given to me by my Higher Power, who loves me.

Epiphanies and action plans

This evening I noticed something about myself that I am not very fond of. I have noticed it before but I didn't realize how prevalent and pervasive it really was until this evening. What I am referring to is my tendency to seek out attention from others, especially men. I notice that any time I say or do something, I am looking around to see if any one noticed and I am pleased as punch when someone asks me questions, laughs, or seems interested. I have been feeling restless lately, in particular missing attention from men so I think that the 2 issues combined indicate that I need to once again direct my focus to where it needs to be which is on myself. As soon as I find some spare time, I want to research some methods to assist me with providing that validation to myself. Once I choose some methods, I plan to implement them in a way that fits into my life. Quite honestly, I am horrified with how obvious my need for validation must be to others, especially those working in my field. Also, I must keep in mind that the only validation I need is from myself. It's the only validation that truly matters.

Fake it 'till you make it...

I have not been feeling in the best of moods these past few days and I am not sure why. However, I do know it's getting frustrating and increasingly hard to deal with. For the past 2 Sundays in a row, I have cried when my ex came to pick up my son. And today I noticed that even though I have come so far and I am doing fairly well juggling work, school, and my personal life, I currently do not feel any joy in acknowledging that. I hope to God that the issue is just hormones or something because this is really bringing me down. And of course whenever I feel like this, my go-to thought is of escaping my reality by acting out with a guy. Or binge eating. My knee jerk reaction is always to engage in something that helps to take me out of the present and avoid uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes I just get very discouraged by the constant battle. I will do my best to keep on keeping on.

November 11

I am sharing today's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because this is a topic I have been thinking about lately. Now that I have been abstinent from sexual activity for so long, how will I know if or when the time is right to begin having sex again? Moreover, how do I engage in healthy sexual behavior? All of these questions make me realize that I still have a long way to go!

NOVEMBER 11

Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves. — Teilhard de Chardin

Experiencing our sexuality once we’ve entered recovery presents many challenges. Once we’ve brought our addiction into the light, everything looks different, especially sex. One of the first things we learn is that we are always sexual beings, whether we’re in a relationship or by ourselves. Recovery doesn’t mean renouncing our sexuality; indeed, it means embracing it in a new way. Our personal abstinence determines our behavior and helps us decide when it’s appropriate to be sexual. We choose when or whether to be sexual with ourselves, and how to stay abstinent during a sexual experience. We have new values, support from others, the wisdom of the program, and our spirits to guide us. Through recovery we will learn to respect, nurture, and eventually love our sexuality just as we’re learning to do for the other parts of ourselves.

I believe my sexuality is healing each day as I treat myself with gentleness.

Beware impulsivity....

because it can lead to some unpleasant consequences. The best example I can think of at the present time was my impulsive decision to have a child with my ex-husband. Now please don't misunderstand me; I would never trade my son for anything in the world. He is such a special little man and a joy to me in every way. What I am referring to is the fact that I knew my ex just 1 MONTH when I made the half-assed decision to actively get pregnant. 30 days. It just boggles my mind now but at the time, I thought nothing of it. At the time, I remember thinking that if we broke up, what could be the worst that would happen? Fast forward 8 years and I am finally getting the full answer to my question.
Put simply, my ex-husband is a lunatic. He is extremely mentally ill and as is common with some of the sickest individuals, he thinks he is just fine. He twists words and the facts to suit him and his agenda, much like the current U.S. president. The more time has passed, the more I become aware of how disturbed he really is. It's going to be a long 11 years for me. At least my son is an awesome kid, I am blessed with that fact.
One of my goals in life going forward is to not give in to impulsivity and make any major decisions without thinking things through completely. The consequences are just not worth it. And contrary to my belief for many years, it is NOT romantic to have unprotected sex with someone you just met. That's reckless and stupid.

The benefits of choosing to stay single

Here's a great article on the positive aspects of being single from mindbodygreen.com.

Why Staying Single For A Year Is The Secret To Finding Your Soul Mate
By: Daniel Dowling

Most relationships are founded on a curious fantasy: that you can be happy in a couple when you weren't happy alone. It doesn't add up, and it never works out. Instead of growing in happiness, we magnify each other's insecurities.
The only solution is to become so secure in yourself that you don't need another person to feel whole — then you can love unconditionally. Here's how I did it.
I was the classic hopeless romantic for the first half of my adulthood. I was depressed without a girlfriend, ecstatic with one — for the first month — and then increasingly miserable until the inevitable split. I unconsciously used women for the fulfillment I hadn't given myself, and I repeated the process until I was borderline suicidal. After breaking up with my last live-in girlfriend, I hit rock bottom: depression, despair, and desolation. The pain was unbearable, so I made the radical decision to stay single until I was happy with me. I needed to break the cycle before it broke me for good.
By focusing on my single self over the past few years, I've identified and satisfied the needs that had sent me scrambling for lovers over and over. Now I find security in knowing myself, in constantly improving myself, and in helping others to succeed in life and love. Because I committed to being secure in myself, I'm a whole man.
I used to think a woman was the only way I could be happy. But after crashing and burning so many times, I realized I was wrecking my life with insecure relationships.
So, I took the plunge. I began a daily journaling and affirmation practice, and I committed to making the most of each day. I discovered the career of my dreams, and I focused so intently on developing as an individual that I forgot about looking for another person. I no longer needed that to feel whole.
I found my success, my happiness, and myself. You can, too.
Here's why going solo for a year is the best way to do that.
A year is a big commitment. In some sense, it's also a sacrifice. But in the grand scheme of things, you'll earn back dividends in happiness. Besides, if you can't commit to knowing and loving yourself better for one year, what makes you think you have what it takes to be commit to sharing the rest of your life with someone?
If you commit to positive affirmations, planning your day, and journaling, your singleness will become so valuable that you won't trade it for anything short of unconditional love. But until you have that security in yourself, you'll continue to fall for the wrong people. Just like I did.
So, focus on being your best self.
If you're ready, start today. And if you're not ready, get ready. This is your happiness we're talking about; this is your one and only life. So mark it on the calendar: one year of being single, starting today. One year of becoming the expert of you, of providing for your own needs, of fulfilling yourself, of overcoming your insecurities, of finding your calling. One year of living your life to the fullest.
Think of all the people who die without ever having fully lived or loved. What will your life look like in 10 years if you don't take this year to be whole?
Are you ready now? Good.
Here's all you have to do:

1. Start your day with affirmations.

Your first thoughts of the day pave the way for the second, third, 34th, 87th, and so on. Make those waking thoughts empowering — focus on things like how capable, confident, useful, valuable, worthy, kind, generous, dependable, independent, happy, joyful, adventurous, bold, secure, and loving you are.
Pump yourself up with positive affirmations, especially when you're feeling low.
People's entire lives are disrupted because they lose track of their thoughts, which become their words, actions, habits, and destiny. Whatever it is that you need or want to be, affirm that before you roll out of bed. Then build on those thoughts for the rest of the day.
If you don't actively choose positive affirmations, your subconscious will take over with preprogrammed statements — which are usually negative. So flood yourself with conscious encouragement from morning to night. Change your thoughts; change your life.

2. Plan your day.

Each morning, write down what you need to do to be the best version of you. After your affirmations, reflect on what you can accomplish to excel in your profession, your hobbies, and your personal development. Make a list, then tackle those items throughout your day, checking them off as you accomplish, congratulating yourself on your effort, and encouraging yourself along the way.
If you find yourself in doubt of what to write down, go back to the basic human needs: health/fitness, happiness, security, doing what you love, feeling proud of what you do, making a difference to other people, providing for yourself, etc.
Come up with the challenges that will bring out the best in you; that way, you won't look for someone else to do your job.

3. Reflect on your day with a journal.

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."
I'll paraphrase that: An unexamined life is not worth sharing. So examine yours with a journal.
Spend 15 to 30 minutes every evening reflecting on your day: what you've accomplished, where you've excelled, where you've faltered, what you can do better tomorrow, what you've thought, what you've felt, why you thought and felt that way, and how much effort you gave.
Documenting your life in a journal will help you to accept yourself despite your mistakes; it will give you the awareness to change limiting thoughts and behaviors. Journaling puts you back in charge of your own life for the price of a pen, a notepad, and a little self-discipline.
If you're tired of settling for a wimpy, needy relationship — if you're ready for grown-up love — it's time to invest in your life. Take a year to become secure in yourself, to love your life, and to focus on sharing your talents for a better world.
Discover yourself in your journal. Reveal the best you with daily affirmations. And take charge of your life by planning your days.
You won't regret it.

Romantic intrigue

From new-hope-recovery.com:

"Romantic intrigue, which is defined as flirting, innuendo or other manipulative behaviors designed to "hook" someone in"

I have found that romantic intrigue is very sneaky and sometimes happens without a person even being aware of it. For example, I am very conscientious about my appearance, making sure my hair looks decent and I smell good. I have also observed that whenever a man to whom I am attracted is around, I will revert back to past behaviors that I know typically get positive attention. One of these behaviors is drawing attention to my tongue, which is extraordinarily long and pierced. I know this quality drives most men wild and that's why it has become second nature for me. Plus I notice that I automatically focus my attention primarily on someone in the room to whom I am attracted. I write about this because this has been happening with a grad school classmate of mine. He is significantly younger than me and not what I am typically attracted to. I am not sure if this is occurring because I haven't had sex in a year and fantasizing makes me horny. Nonetheless, it's something that has entered my radar that needs to be stopped.

Learning to love my body

I wanted to share the daily meditation from 2 days ago because I can genuinely appreciate the message.

“Here” she said, “in this place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare fleet in grass. Love it. Love it hard.” — Toni Morrison

Our body belongs to us, is a part of who we are. It is us, just as our intellect, spirit, and feelings are part of us. As sex addicts, we often have a love-hate relationship with our body. We often disconnect from our body — especially when we’re being sexual — in order not to feel pain. To disconnect from any part of ourselves hurts. Like walking on a sprained ankle, we compensate as best we can, but part of us is missing; part of us isn’t working the way it’s supposed to. And that part is our sense of ourselves as physical beings. Recovery means reclaiming our body. We start from where we are and form a new relationship with ourselves. We can do it by changing our eating habits, exercising, improving our personal grooming, and going to the doctor. We patiently fill in the missing pieces of nurturing and attention. Then our sense of ourselves as whole people will include our newfound love of our body.

I have only one body. It was given to me not to misuse, but to love and care for.

ONE YEAR SOBER!!!!

I cannot adequately describe all of the wonderful and life changing benefits I have gotten out of my choice to enter love and sex addiction recovery and stop acting out on my bottom lines. Just a few of these benefits are as follows: more energy, better self care, more quality time spent with family and friends, renewed sense of hope, more time to fully engage in hobbies, less financial stress, more focus on my job, the ability to be fully present, major decrease in anxiety, a sense of peace, the opportunity to truly know myself, the time to examine why I became a love and sex addict, the ability to not only be comfortable but to enjoy being alone, the ability to identify relationship red flags, increase in self-esteem, the pride that my family and friends have for me, the knowledge that I have 365 days into breaking a lifelong struggle, and many more. However, there is one benefit that rises above all others and that is trust. The ability to trust myself, trust that things will work out as they are meant to, and trust that I have value just as I am and the only person whose love and validation I should be seeking is that of myself. I am eternally grateful for all of the blessings my recovery has brought me and I thank God everyday that He led me to a life free of the misery and hopelessness of love and sex addiction. I am truly excited to see where this new way of life takes me!

The eve of 1 year sober

Because I am only a day away from my sobriety birthday (squeal!!!), I wanted to share an article I found detailing some of the benefits the author experienced from being sober in the SLAA program. I chose this article because I can identify with most everything written.

5 Ways I Faced My Love Addiction

By: Lara Frazier
June 6th 2017

I looked across the room and I saw him. He had dark hair, skinny jeans, a Radiohead tattoo, a cracked front tooth, and a gorgeous aura. I had to have him. His name was Luke. He had come to inpatient treatment after he watched his best friend commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Luke nearly drank himself to death soon after.
Luke wasn’t fully despondent, but he was desolate. Isolated. But, his puckered brow– his swag – his ability to just be who he was, well I wanted him.
This story, the cycle – of seeing a man in rehab and immediately “falling in love” – it happened far too often. I was in treatment for my addiction to Xanax, Adderall, and Opiates, but it was apparent that there was something more that needed to be treated.
The clinicians and the counselors called it “love addiction.” I knew it was an obsession, but I didn’t care. I didn’t listen. I didn’t get it. And I certainly didn’t follow their direction or advice about staying away from men while in treatment for substance abuse.
This is why I was kicked out of inpatient treatment 2 times for getting in relationships with men. This is why, at my fourth and final treatment center, I was admitted for both substance-use disorder and love addiction. I discovered that if I could not get high off my drug of choice, then I would replace my drug with men. It didn’t really matter who. If you were slightly good looking, intelligent, or funny – then I found myself attracted to you.
In the book Is It Love or Is It Addiction, the author, Brenda Schaffer, describes love addiction as “a reliance on someone external to the self in an attempt to get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, solve problems, and maintain balance.”
I wasn’t necessarily looking for someone to love. First of all, because at the height of my love addiction, I don’t believe I was capable of truly loving someone. Secondly, I didn’t want someone to love. I wanted someone to make me feel like I was worthy. I wanted someone to believe that I was not a failure, to see me as beautiful, and to make my problems go away. In other words, I was using men in another attempt to escape pain.  I wanted them to ‘fix me” as I felt powerless when it came to taking personal responsibility over fixing myself.
The authors of the book Love and Addiction define addiction as “an unstable state of being, marked by a compulsion to deny all that you are or have been in favor of some new and ecstatic experience.”
I wanted to deny my past – my substance use – and the pain and harm I caused others and myself throughout my addiction to prescription pills. I didn’t want to face my grief, or loss, or shame. I didn’t want to feel. Unfortunately, the only way to move forward is through. This meant I had to confront my love addiction.
Here are 5 ways I faced my love addiction:

1. I Admitted I Had a Love Addiction.

While I was in residential treatment for 67 days, and almost 3 months thereafter, I said I was a love addict, out loud, to a group of people. The process of admission is daunting. When you admit you have a problem, you can no longer deny the fact that you need help. At first, I didn’t want to say I was a love addict as I had no idea what it meant or why it mattered. I thought I needed help with my substance use disorder. And I felt that love addiction was a secondary issue for me.
When one of the doctors at my treatment center told me I would never stay sober, if I didn’t deal with my issues with men, it finally stuck. After leaving treatment, I immediately began attending SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous). I continued to acknowledge that I was a love addict and I sought support from people who had faced the same problem as me.

2. I Built Healthy Relationships with Other Females.

One morning as I sat in my psychiatrist’s office at treatment, he told me that one of the best ways to measure the health of a woman was to look at her relationships with other females. In this moment, at only 30 days sober from substances, and still active in my love addiction – I had no healthy relationships with females.  It wasn’t that I never had strong friendships with females, because I did. However, men brought on the familiar rush of heightened euphoria and increased dopamine levels, which was eerily similar to an amphetamine high. I had to back away from that compulsion and surround myself with females. I moved into an all-female sober living home and I lived there for a year. I stopped hanging around men and started to build healthy relationships with females. At this point in my love addiction, it was important for me to avoid temptation and to start to understand the power of female support and friendship.

3. I Educated Myself on Love Addiction in Order To Understand My Own Behaviors.

I have always been a reader, a knowledge-seeker, the curious type – the one who asks a thousand questions, and wants to know the answers for all of it. I started buying every book I could that dealt with love addiction. I wanted to grasp the concept of what love addiction was and what love addiction was not. I began to chase answers and solutions. I developed an understanding of why I was reacting this way to men and why I was consumed by an unhealthy addiction to love. I also found a therapist who specialized in sex and love addiction and began talking more about my past in an effort to overcome both my chemical addiction and my love addiction. I threw the book at it. I started doing the work that would soon change me entire relationship with myself and others, for the better.

4. I Stayed Single for The First Year of My Sobriety.

I used to believe that having a partner made me a complete person. I attached myself to a partner in an attempt to feel whole. Brenda Schaeffer, the author of Is It Love or Is it an Addiction describes addictive love as “an attempt to satisfy our developmental hunger for security, sensation, power, belonging, and meaning.” I had to find that type of satisfaction within myself. I could not find it in another person. I began to welcome loneliness as a friend. Overtime, I stopped feeling so lonely, even when I was alone.

5. I Treated Every Relationship as an Assignment and Every Experience as a Lesson.

Overtime, I stopped focusing on my love addiction because it stopped existing. The obsession had been removed because of the initial and continued work I put into loving myself and growing into a full, whole, complete person. I evolved and I removed the layers that didn’t suit me and could never define me. As the poet Nayyirah Waheed says, I realized “I have always been the woman of my dreams.” Thus, in each relationship I had, platonic or romantic, I knew it was there to serve a purpose. I found that every experience, bad or good, would always teach me a lesson and strengthen me. I began to see my life as a gift and I became someone I loved to love.

Black moods and toxic exes

Once per month, I have these black moods that descend onto me from seemingly nowhere. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do, what my thoughts are, or positive things I try to tell myself, all efforts are futile. I simply must wait until the cloud passes. It's extremely hard to deal with especially given all of the responsibilities that I have in my life.
So of course when my ex-husband came to pick up my son this afternoon, that only exacerbated my bad mood. I brought up some issues of concern to my ex which I should have known would be a waste of time. He will discuss nothing and takes no responsibility for anything either. Long story short, it turned into a verbal altercation where he ended up calling me some colorful names including a nasty cow and a fucking cunt. My 6 year old son was present for the entire exchange. He is such a sweet and sensitive little boy and the fact that he has witnessed all of this hate and poison makes my stomach turn. Obviously I can no longer communicate with my ex at all. Which means I must co-parent with no communication. How the hell can I do that? And I must put a plan into place to ensure that nothing like today ever happens again. I owe my son much more than that. I plan to pray about this extensively because I feel so helpless.

1 year of celibacy

I am continuing the theme from last night's post which is obviously a focus on celibacy. These posts are in honor of the fact that I haven't had sex in 1 year as of today! Honestly, I am blown away by this milestone and so proud of myself. Because of this and other reasons, I am experiencing the most pride I have ever had in myself. While I knew going into this process that I was committed, I didn't know how successful I would truly be given the high number of years that I acted out sexually, constantly searching for that "love" and validation that I never found. For the first time ever, I am giving those things to myself. One year ago, I never could have imagined this process being so successful. I feel grateful and blessed beyond words that I finally escaped the hell and misery of what my life had become. #trustGod #onedayatatime

Benefits of celibacy

5 Surprisingly Sexy Reasons To Take A Personal Vow Of Celibacy

Elizabeth Ayers-Callahan

Blogger

Sex

January 27, 2017

Keep an open mind.

“Celibacy” is a fairly loaded word.
It brings to mind images of dour priests, sad-faced nuns, or desperate high schoolers who find themselves, despite their best efforts, remaining celibate throughout their teenage years.
Often, when we talk about celibacy, we talk about it in terms of denial. We look at someone denying themselves access to sex and we assign some kind of hidden agenda to it.
“They must have issues… they’re crazy religious… they get off on withholding pleasure from themselves.”
But that isn’t really a fair interpretation of the word.
Yes, being celibate means abstaining from sexual intercourse, but there’s an implied word in that definition that never really gets the attention it deserves.
Celibacy is about your CHOICE to abstain from sex.

It’s a decision YOU make, and YOU own. If done for the right reasons, the decision to remain celibate can be remarkably empowering for both men and women alike.
Here are 5 simple — yet impactful — reasons why choosing to take a vow of celibacy can actually make your personal, romantic, and sexual lives so much healthier.
1. Celibacy makes you appreciate sex more.
Let’s be frank, if you’re considering celibacy, there’s a decent chance that there’s something about your current sex life that isn’t particularly satisfying.
If you’re struggling with that feeling (and aren’t sure how to address it), it makes sense to use celibacy as a chance to take a break and figure out what sex really means to you.
You know the expression “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” It applies for sex too.
Taking yourself out of the sex game for a while can help you figure out what you miss (and what you don’t) about intercourse, so, if/when you decide to start having sex again, you’ll have a better idea of what you want.

2. Celibacy opens up new doors.
Have you heard how when a person loses their eyesight, it makes all of their other senses extra sensitive? A similar phenomenon happens when you chose to stop having sex.
Suddenly, all of that mental and physical energy that you were directing towards your sex life is up-for-grabs, and everything else in your life gets the benefit of that freed-up bandwidth.

Now you finally have the time to finish your book, spend more time with friends, start knitting, take up Motocross… WHATEVER you want. Your life will become richer as a result.
3. Celibacy turns the sexual focus back on YOU.
Celibacy means abstaining from sexual intercourse with other people. It does not, however, mean denying yourself any sexual pleasure.

Taking a vow of celibacy gives you an opportunity to focus on self-love for a change, taking your masturbation gameto new and exciting levels.
Why is that a good thing? Because no one knows your body better than you do.
So spending some time exploring and figuring out bigger and better ways to get yourself off is a worthy cause, particularly because, if/when you decide to have sex again, you can pass your new knowledge onto your partner.
Basically, go get yourself a top-of-the-line sex toy and spend some selfish, sexy time getting to know your own orgasm.
4. Celibacy can reduce anxiety.
Having sex with other people, while fun, can be stressful AF. You have to deal with social anxiety, strangers seeing you naked, the risk of STDs, pregnancy scares… a lot of emotional turmoil goes into making that late-night hookup happen.
But, when you decide to remain celibate, those worries get thrown out the window.
You can interact with friends, family, even people you’re romantically interested in, on a new, much more relaxed level.
You’re essentially carving a huge source of stress out of your life and every other aspect of your day-to-day existence gets to benefit from it. It’s kind of great.

5. Celibacy can actually make your love life MORE romantic.
I can hear your eyes rolling, but I stand by this. Yes, I get that MANY people wouldn’t want to hear that their partner had taken a vow of celibacy, but, do you really want to be with someone who is only interested in sex?

Too often, in relationships, quick sex becomes a poor substitution for real intimacy. The couple doesn’t know how to connect on an emotional level, so they knock out some fast, uninspired missionary sex twice a week to allow themselves to believe that they have a healthy relationship.
Don’t be fooled. Sex does not always equal intimacy. In fact, sometimes, couples use sex to hide the fact that they don’t really have an emotional connection at all.
But, when you’re in a romantic relationship and you’ve chosen to remain celibate, you have to WORK to keep that emotional bond healthy.
You can’t just fall back on sex as the easy answer. You have to date each other, talk to each other, find new (and awesome) ways to be physically intimate that don’t involve “traditional” sex. (You can be creative.)

More than anything, celibacy shouldn’t be about denying yourself anything.
It should be about realizing the huge role that sex plays in your life, and, if that role isn’t as satisfying as it could be, stepping back to give you some perspective.
Those insights might make you realize that you have an unhealthy relationship with sex OR they might make you appreciate your sex life more than you ever could’ve imagined. Either way, celibacy can be a truly eye-opening experience.