Sober Dating

I found the following article on www.girlrebuilt.com about sober dating for the love addict. This is such an informative and thought-provoking piece:

Tips on Dating, for the love addict

Girl Rebuilt

4 years ago

It’s Spring! And many of my dear friends on the LAA boards have started to date again (or want to date), after a long winter of introspection and recovery work. But are they ready? Are you ready? If this wasn’t a love addiction blog I would definitely say, Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Go for it! But a recovering love addict is a totally different, unique individual who has to approach dating with far more precaution than the average guy or girl. Just as a recovering alcoholic has to reconfigure the people, places and things in his sober life, so too does a recovering love addict. And when you know this, the safer and more successful you will be. So, without further ado…

1. Know when you are (really!) ready to date. You may think you’re ready. You may even fantasize about the hot guy or girl at the office who gave you a “look.” But when it really comes down to it, and the question gets popped (How about Saturday night?), some of us are simply not ready, emotionally, mentally or physcially. How do you know? You know when the idea of dating doesn’t scare the hell out of you to the point where you simply cannot make the date, when it sounds “scary” but exciting too, when you don’t curl up into a ball and start crying hysterically after a first date because all you can think about is your ex, when you start to feel comfortable around strangers (not 100% but enough to have the courage to do so), and when being alone is not a bad thing, but you’re ready for something new…

Many love addicts who still have a person of addiction (PoA) on their brain long after the relationship has ended (this is a torchbearer, by the way) do so not because they still love them or think they will get back together, but as a form of protection. If you are still emotionally attached to a person, it keeps you safe from having to date someone new, and thus, experience the possibility of new pain and rejection. Some love addicts become emotionally or sexually “anorexic,” which is a form of sex and/or love addiction also. Lastly, there is the issue of replacing one PoA with another, diving from one relationship into another, thus being “ready” for the wrong reasons. In this latter case, the person is not ready to date. He or she is simply looking for their next “fix.” How do you know the difference between being ready and looking for your next fix? See Tip #4. Otherwise, these areas of emotional  and behavioral unrest need to be resolved first, before you’re ready.

2. A date is JUST a date. Learn to put dates into perspective. A date is not romantic, it is not your future, it is not love, it is not a dreamy Hollywood story of passion and ardor. And while a date may have elements of all those things IF there’s chemistry and attraction, don’t get too hung up on the chemistry and attraction. A date is a meeting. Someone finds you physically attractive (or you find them physically attractive, or both), and they want to get to know you a bit more. They want to talk to you, maybe they even want to kiss you at the end of the night. Who knows! Whatever the case, treat it like a meeting. It might be fun but it might be awkward; it might make you happy, but it might make him never want to call back. Who knows! Your first date will most likely not look like the fantasy you’ve created in your head. WHen you meet up with someone for the purpose of getting to know you, and vice versus, you have to try and remove the romantic element, otherwise, you leave yourself open to fantasy and high expectations, which brings me to tip #3…

3. Lose the expectations. If you go into a date looking for your soulmate, you will probably be sorely disappointed. Why is that? Because you’re expectations are far too high for an unsuspecting stranger who doesn’t know what you want or need and basically owes you nothing but a little common courtesy–that’s about as much as can be expected on a first date. Any more than that and you’re barking up the wrong tree. You see, understanding the concept of expectations is probably a love addict’s biggest hurdle. We have high expecations too soon, or of the wrong people, and then, once we see that our expectations are not getting met, we whine about it, but settle anyway. But there’s a simple formula for expectations: we can only have high expectations of people who are healthy enough, interested enough and capable of meeting our expectations. And we also have to be willing to expect the same from ourselves. You can’t go on a first date and expect to be treated with basic human kindness and respect from someone who is not a kind and respectful person. You can’t go on a first date and expect that a person will call you back for a second date, if that person is not interested. And you can’t go on a first date (or a second or third) and start expecting that the two of you are automatically a couple. These are all unrealistic expectations and you are setting yourself up for a huge let down. Expect NOTHING. And be happy. Don’t expect a call back! Don’t expect a text! Don’t expect a second date! You are owed nothing. You didn’t go on this date “expecting” for a second or third date. You went on this date to simply ENJOY this person now. That’s all you get. (P.S. Having high expectations like, “I will be respected,” comes under “Values” in #10)

4. Know the difference between dating and desperation. Are you ok with just you? Or are you looking for someone to save you? Can you handle being alone? Or do you hate your life because it’s missing a soulmate? Is it a combination of both of these things? Knowing what is driving your desire to date can have a huge impact on WHO YOU CHOOSE to date. If you are OK within yourself then you can be far more discerning with whom you choose to date. Why? Because you have nothing to lose. You’re not dating out of need or desperation to fill a void. You are simply dating because you would like to meet someone that you can enjoy.  Period. A love addict has to be on constant alert of his or her personal motives. If you feel a void within you, you may pick and choose prospective dates for the wrong reasons. You may be willing to overlook red flags, put up with abuse or neglect, or date “down,” all for the purpose of stuffing that void within you. Remember, when we date, we are not looking for our second half. We are not looking to be “completed.” We must begin to understand that we are complete, as is. And if we don’t feel complete on our own, we need to bring ourselves there first. Healthy dating is about meeting other people who are also complete.

5. Let things happen organically. Letting things happen organically means removing the fantasy…100%. That means that when the date is over, it’s over. You can think about the wonderful feeling of his touch, but do not try on his name and imagine the two of you on an Alaskan Cruise as Honeymooners. You can certain enjoy the thoughts of her that pop into your head the next day, but don’t imagine what your children will look like. Letting things happen organically means living in the now. If he  hasn’t called, he hasn’t called. Gently push those wanting, needing and fantasy thoughts from your head and replace them with thoughts on your work, or what you are presently doing. Remove the ruminating! If he doesn’t call in two weeks, let it go. The more you fantasize, or obsess the more you remove the organic nature of what is meant to happen versus what is not meant to happen. This is hard work, but in the end, it’s EASIER this way!!!! Trust me.

6. Step away from the computer. One of the most important steps a recovering love addict can take is to abandon any idea of online dating. DOn’t do it. Say goodbye to it. Online dating sites are a petrie dish of toxicity for the love addict. Why is that? Because they are filled with three things: the hope of instant gratification (finding someone with one click), the promotion of fantasy-based exchanges (when you don’t have a clear picture of someone you are free to “fill in the blanks” and create what you want that person to be), and the almost complete removal of  the crucial human necessity to judge someone realistically, in person, FIRST, before getting emotionally attached to them. Because love addicts need to learn to defer gratification,  control their susceptibility to fantasy, and  be able to judge people realistically, online dating is a bad idea. It’s like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar after he has given up drinking. It’s only a matter of time before he will slip. Online dating may be great for healthy people, but not for love addicts.

7. Don’t have sex on the first date. Cosmopolitan magazine recently wrote that not having sex on the first date is “outdated.” In other words, go ahead, girls, that rule is “antiquated and harmful” and produces “unnecessary anxiety and shame about something normal and natural: dating and sex.” Unfortunately, they were NOT talking to a love addict. Like it or not, you need to play by the antiquated, SAFE rules from days of yore. I say this not just to the women, but the men as well. Sex to a love addict is never taken lightly. It meanssomething. It usually means a full blown commitment and an excuse to obsess over someone. That’s why it needs to be put on the back burner for a significant amount of time (3 months? 6 months?). A love addict’s job is to learn to defer gratification. To sniff out a person for red flags FIRST, before making any heavy duty commitments, physical or otherwise. And here’s something Cosmo won’t tell you, what’s the hurry? If you’re into someone, and they’re into you, and you plan to spend your lives together, why not wait? You’ve got all the time in the world. Why not make it about other stuff first? Sex on the first, second, third, etc. date is Russian Roulette to a love addict. Put it off. It can wait. He/she’s not going anywhere. And if he/she does leave, they weren’t worth it anyway and you were able to hold on to your dignity. More than that, it might save you from obsessing more than you would if you did have sex.

8. Do keep a journal. The perspective and instincts we have before we get to know someone intimately are amazingly sharp. I am convinced that every red flag a person might have pops up on the first or second date, if we really pay attention. Trouble is, when we want something bad enough, we are willing to ignore the red flags, and ignore our gut instincts. Keeping a journal helps us to stay on track and remember how we felt and what we sensed in those first hours. Be sure to write down your first impression, how you felt, if you noticed or felt anything funny, if something didn’t add up. What was your logical brain picking up on, versus your heart (emotions)? While this may seem like overkill, it will help you in your process and your ability to “learn” to date healthily. Looking back we always see with perfect vision.

9. Don’t trust your emotions. I know. It sounds counterintuitive when talking about dating. But it’s not. A love addict can’t trust his or her emotions. Not yet, anyway. Why? Because we tend to be ruled by our emotions and our logic goes right out the window. We are imbalanced in this way. Our logical brain will pick up on abuse, red flags, neglect, shame and general danger. Our logical brains are screaming at us to leave a bad relationship. But our emotions are screaming back, “Never! I love him!!!!” This is an extremely unhealthy way to make life decisions. You cannot be ruled by emotions only. You need a balance of both your head and your heart. Trouble is, because we have been off balance for so many years, we need the pendulum to swing in the opposite direction. We need to depend more on our logical brain so that we begin to trust it again. Only then are we able to allow our emotions to “speak up,” once our logical brain has first determined that we  are safe and secure. So, all those emotions howling at you, telling you that they are convinced 100% that it’s love,  after the first or second date? IGNORE THEM. Focus on the brain. On the logic. Turn back to your journal. Check for red flags. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, to seek out the possibility of red flags. Be suspicious (without acting overly suspicious). And don’t be afraid to walk away if you unearth something that you know in your head and your heart you probably cannot or should not live with if it doesn’t agree with your set of values.

10. Know Your Values. Ah! Values. Attraction, chemistry, passion, flirtiness–those things are fine and good and all. But they can’t shake a stick at something called values. Knowing your values is critical to dating. If you don’t know your values, how can you know if someone else’s values are right for you? How can you tell if someone has the same belief in loyalty, respect or kindness as you do? Does he or she share the same work ethic, family values, or relgious beliefs? Where does he or she stand on marriage, affairs, children, parenting, age, eating, working out, drugs, sex, intimacy and so on. Most of these things seem world’s away from a first-time meeting. And I do not suggest you try to find out what your date thinks about child rearing on date #1. But I do suggest that you know what YOUR values are on all these things so that you know what to look out for and how to assess the other person within time.  Case in point, I went on a date many years ago with a good looking guy who, on our very first date, asked if I wanted to get high. I said, no thanks, and despite it bothering me enormously  (because it’s something I can’t handle) I kept dating him. I kept dating him because I didn’t know my values. I knew I didn’t like drugs and I knew I didn’t like being around people who did drugs. But I didn’t know it was SO IMPORTANT to me that the relationship would not work if drugs were involved. And it didn’t. I eventually couldn’t take his smoking. Had I known my values, I would have saved myself a lot of time and emotional angst.

You need to hold people up to the light and really look at them and not be afraid of what you might see. Your happiness, security and peace of mind depend upon you being honest with yourself. And while I do not suggest scrutinizing people too early on in the dating process, I do suggest being open to communicating, and being patient in cultivating a relationship. You will not get to know someone over night. It takes months, years. You cannot rush things. People who fall in love fast are red flags. That goes for you, and for your date. It is a sign of instability. Healthy people are cautious, curious, protective with their emotions.  They don’t call every two seconds, they don’t profess love right away. They don’t drink like a fish or do drugs or try to sweet talk you into bed after a 2.5 hour date. Know the signs of healthy partner, and be one too.

Good luck!

Update

So I have some pretty damn fantastic news: my doctor took me off of that damn devil medication (Topamax)! I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am. I get my memory, brain, vocabulary, and sense of peace about my abstinence back. I am also hoping that the obsessions that I had been having about my latest qualifier will also subside. Part of the reason I was on Topamax was for mood stabilization, instead my doctor put me on gabapentin which I have taken before. This is such a relief to me because Topamax made me feel hopeless, negative, and depressed and I don't like feeling that way anymore.
In other news, there was a great reading in my meeting tonight. It was about sober dating and some of the boundaries that should be set in healthy relationships. I will definitely be buying that pamphlet before I start dating again. I have felt very good about things today; I am extremely proud of myself and my progress with recovery from this horrible disease. And next Tuesday marks 4 months since I last had contact with my qualifier. Go me!!! 😁😊

Blaming my qualifiers

I have been trying to be very mindful and self-aware lately. In keeping with that theme, I have been putting alot of thought into a certain topic that I wish to explore a bit more this evening. Throughout all of these tumultuous and destructive relationships in my life, I have come to a rather shocking realization: as much as I have liked to place blame on all of the men in my life, that hasn't been entirely fair. While many of them were emotionally unavailable and a few were cruel douchebags, it is completely unfair and unrealistic to put the entire responsibility of your life into someone else's hands. Was it his job to make me feel happy, safe, comfortable,  accepted, or loved? Uhhh, no. Those are first and foremost my responsibilities.  Taking responsibility for myself will allow me to have more authentic and intimate relationships rather than clinging to these men like my life depends on it. Here's to making healthier choices in the future!

1st Step of SLAA

Well, the bad news is that I have continued to struggle with the cravings for my qualifier. I read somewhere that a craving is just that and unless you act on it, that's all it is. And I have not acted on it. Today I am on day #111 of no contact with my latest qualifier and day #114 since the last time I had sex so I am certainly making some progress. The good news is that I have decided to start putting serious effort into working the steps because I think that will help alot.

The First Step of SLAA:

"We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction--that our lives had become unmanageable".

Bottom Lines

Part of the SLAA program is setting bottom line behaviors. These are defined as behaviors that you pledge not to engage in for fear of compromising your sobriety. Here is a list of mine so far:
1. No sex for at least 1 year
2. No contact with any qualifier past or present
3. No stalking and/or cyberstalking any qualifier past or present
4. Not being a member on any dating site
5. No dating for at least 1 year
6. No unblocking qualifiers to wait until they contact me

Sobriety can be a struggle

As the title says, sobriety can be a struggle. I have been struggling to maintain my sobriety for the past 2 weeks, ever since I began taking Topamax. That frustrates me to no end but that is a topic for a different blog. I feel restless, needy, horny, lonely,  and like I need to find some way to let out all of this pent up energy. The best and only way I have ever done so is by acting out. The cravings that I have had in the past few days for my latest qualifier have been strong, intense, painful, and relentless. I continue to pray to God but I am becoming discouraged, hopeless, and scared. I am not sure if these feelings are normal at this stage of my recovery or if they are a direct result of my Topamax. Regardless, I am hoping that things will start looking up soon. I will continue to pray.

Confessions of a Love Addict

Here is an article from Elle.com that I found reassuring and comforting:

Confessions of a Love Addict

He wanted a lasting relationship, but one glimpse of a shoulder like this could send him in hot pursuit of a new romance. Was the answer a 12-step program, the same kind that helps alcoholics or compulsive gamblers?

BY ANONYMOUS

You are not bad, the guy holding the blue binder promises me, and you are not weak. That is music to my bad, weak ears.

He looks at me the way a televangelist looks into a camera, the way a human-resources director at a company about to fire half its workers looks at those workers. "Trust me," the unblinking, putatively sincere eyes say, while the mouth makes noises I am fairly certain are lies.

He tells me that I'm not a wrongdoer trying to do right, merely a sick person trying to get better. That sounds good, actually. Maybe I'm too suspicious. What if I'm not a dick? I'm beginning to like the man holding the blue binder. I need to work on my trust issues. Where have they gotten me?

"My name is Roger*," the binder man says, sweeping that unblinking, owlish gaze from me to the man sitting next to me, then to the man sitting next to him, then to the man next to him, until he has peered into 25 ailing but not necessarily twisted, criminal, or irredeemable souls.

"Hi, Roger," we chant.

It is four o'clock on a Sunday afternoon, a cold, sleeting winter day. We're gathered together on the third floor of a 100-year-old stone church, in a dingy room with brown linoleum floors, breathing in what smells like cabbage cooked a decade ago. A few minutes earlier, when I entered, I saw knots of men hugging each other, slapping each other's backs. I saw a few other men already seated, frowning into the middle distance, hugging themselves.

We are all in the right place, Roger assures us. This is where we can be brave, where we can reveal whatever secrets we need to reveal, and no one will judge. But, and here he swivels for another owl-eyed sweep, we should limit the revelations of our brave secrets to four minutes or less. A timer will buzz if we exceed that limit.

"While we encourage members to be open and honest," Roger reads from the binder, "we also ask members to refrain from mentioning specific establishments, websites, social-media platforms, or persons, as such language can be triggering."

The huggers nod with understanding. The self-huggers' eyes dart around the room with puzzlement and some fear. I am not weak, I am not bad, but I am a self-hugger.

Roger continues. "If anyone does feel triggered, raise your hand, and I will repeat this announcement. The person who used the language should not take this personally, as we simply want to provide a safe place for everyone."

The first man to share says he wants to stop cheating on his wife but can't. The next is a compulsive porn watcher who doesn't cheat on his girlfriend but thinks about it for hours every day, and then there's a man who "eye-f--ks" every woman he sees but can rarely manage the genital version of the act with his wife.

The fourth man confesses his weakness for prostitutes. More specifically, young, slender, tall prostitutes. He sighs. He leans back in his chair. Is he smirking? "I called one the other day," says the man, tall, lean, blond, wearing a soft blue bespoke suit that must have cost $7,000. "And when she showed up, whoa!" Now he is grinning. Somehow this doesn't seem right.

I hear a scuffling and glance at the guy on my left. His upper lip is sweating. I notice my own breathing has become slightly shallow.

"Five-eleven," the suit says. "Skin like caramel. Lips like butterscotch. Smooth, long legs and an ass that…."

"Triggering!" shouts sweaty lip, waving his hand, as if a well-dressed but particularly vicious octopus were dragging him to sea and he was pleading to be saved.

"Triggering!" shout five other guys, also waving their hands. Drowning men. I hug myself harder. I pant a little. And thus begins my first meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Never married, 49 years old, I have had consensual, noncommercial sex with at least six women whose last names I can't remember and I'm not sure I ever knew. I've engaged in emotionally charged, occasionally even tender sex with more than a dozen other women, humans most people would describe as "girlfriends." I'm keeping the numbers vague because quantity isn't really the point, and my love life, while it might be considered robust, is not especially unusual for a single man my age. What's odd, statistically speaking, is that none of my romances—with the exception of a four-year fiasco marked by at least six breakups every month—lasted more than 90 days.

It's not that I want to swap girlfriends every quarter. I want affection, partnership, sex, of course, but in the context of trust. I want similar value systems, abiding belief in and from my partner. I want love. Why was it such a struggle to find it? For years—let's be honest, for decades—I thought I knew the answer: I was too much of a romantic. I was sure I could identify that thing called love the same way a master jeweler picks out a flawless diamond. The trouble is, I spied scores of flawless diamonds. Mounds of them.

I spied the rare gems in impish grins, in the world-weary melancholy that shone from soft brown eyes. I heard them in lilting laughs. I smelled them in the delicate scent of summer nights and cotton candy wafting from the pale, freckled shoulders of a woman buying prosciutto at a deli counter in Harlem.

I could feel the discoveries in my gut, and my groin and my chest. My head, too. This was the one! If the sparkly jewel responded to my overtures, we'd date, and if that went reasonably well, sleep together. And then it was just me and my sad-eyed, laughing, cotton-candy-shouldered love, my flawless diamond, happy together, forever. Until she didn't get one of my jokes, or I spotted the tiny mole behind her left knee. A minor-to-most-but-heinous-to-my-jeweler-louped-and-ever-vigilant-eyes deal breaker. That's when I'd dump her.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, I didn't enjoy the thrill of the chase. I'm not the "lucky dog" so many of my married male friends call me, or the "bad influence" their wives warn them about. These are descriptors meant for men who plunge into and clamber out of relationships with predatory ease, like cheerful cheetahs or paunchy, grinning weasels. My efforts at romance felt neither predatory nor easy. I've swum laps next to at least five women who I was certain would bring me the joy and wholeness I'd been lacking for almost five decades. So I asked out each goggled mermaid. Two agreed. I slept with one. Broke up with her after two weeks.

I wanted to exceed my three-month limit by oh, say, the rest of my life. What was preventing me? I suspected that my (very) serial monogamy was fueled not by choice but by compulsion, by a frantic need to dodge a threat I couldn't even name. Knowing that, why wouldn't I stop? Why couldn't I?

I was bleating about my sufferings to my sponsor from Alcoholics Anonymous one night, as I'd bleated about many of my sufferings since I quit drinking alcohol and using mood-altering drugs 20 years earlier. My sponsor had taught me that seeking revenge was usually a bad idea and that apologizing was almost always a good one; that drinking or getting high was unquestionably a horrible notion; and that in the moment when I felt soul-crushing existential dread and a tingling, radiant certainty that I should quit my job and move to an island, or propose to the woman I sat next to in the coffee shop—the one who was reading The Red and the Black, in French—well, my sponsor said, that tingling certainty might just mean I was sleepy or hungry or lonely. He'd tell me that rather than cherchez-ing la femme, I'd do better to help another alcoholic. He'd suggest an AA meeting. And maybe a sandwich.

Was my AA sponsor the best recipient of my anguish, demanded the demons who convened regularly behind my eyes and served as my closest advisors? Well, wasn't the kind of emotional turmoil I was enduring exactly what often led alcoholics back to the bottle? Besides, almost all my girlfriends of the past 15 years had been women I'd met in AA. So yes, I told my demons, I was confident that my issues fell within his sponsorial purview.

If I wanted to grow old with someone, I asked my sponsor, why did I seem to discard attractive, considerate, job-holding, willing-to-watch-sports-on-television women who actually told me they loved me? Why did I fantasize for weeks about foreigners? Why did I cling to women who told me I was too sensitive or too chubby or too poor? Why did I pursue women who refused to stop dating their multiple boyfriends, who yelled at me if my shirt wasn't ironed when we went to breakfast—at a diner? Why did I cling to those women like an orphaned koala cub clings to the nearest branch, no matter how slippery or knotted, after his parents are shot by heartless Australian poachers wearing ironed safari shirts? Why?

My sponsor was silent for what seemed like minutes. It's a thing he does. Then he suggested that I was transferring my thrill-seeking and pursuit of oblivion from alcohol to unavailable and unbalanced women. Maybe, he said, I couldn't stop my sincere-but-weasel-ish deep dives into shallow affairs because I was jonesing for the jolt of what I wrongly thought was love but was something else entirely.

Before I could interrupt, he assured me that there was nothing wrong with starry eyes, or strangers across a crowded room, or some enchanted evenings, for that matter. But I was chasing them the same way I chased booze: to escape myself. He suggested I think about that. And that while I was thinking, maybe I should lay off dating altogether. He knew a place that could help me with both—the not-dating and the self-exploration. Did I want the information? I did not.

Instead, I shifted my attention from female alcoholics to online dating, where I sidestepped candidates whose profiles contained words such as "sane" and "optimistic." I pursued cyber-sirens "comfortable with ambiguity" and "seeking, always seeking." One prospect told me she could see my aura, and it fit with hers, "but there might be danger." Another, over cookies and coffee, told me she liked to be whipped ("Like with a real, um, whip?" I asked), yet refused to tell me her real name. She also told me I was "vanilla" and "adorable" when I asked her, after we had sex, if she'd like to sleep over. Then she left. She didn't return any of my subsequent calls; I made seven.

I was, in the parlance of 12-stepdom, "hitting bottom." When I told my AA sponsor about my cyber-sorties, he told me that unless I attended at least a single meeting of the 12-step program he'd suggested, he couldn't sponsor me anymore.

Since then, I've attended more than 250 SLAA meetings. I stick to the all-male gatherings because I find the coed versions triggering, especially the one in Midtown where a nurse wearing a tight sweater said she "had lots of love to give, if only I could find a man strong enough to accept it," and I scuttled in her direction afterward, until one of my SLAA friends put his hand on my forearm and gave a little shake of his head.

"What?" I hissed.

"She's not going to save you," he said.

I've avoided Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings and Sexual Recovery Anonymous, as well as other branches of what is loosely known as the S group, because those programs focus almost exclusively on sex (duh) and, besides aggravating my inclination to feel seedy, don't seem like they'd help with my tendency to define my self-worth by how attractive I can make myself to women.

I procured a sponsor (former compulsive dater/cheater/client of sex workers, what an ex of mine called a "real whoremonger" when I made the mistake of telling her about him and SLAA), now happily married, professionally successful, faithful, and a dutiful father.

I learned the customs and rituals of SLAA, which are similar to those of AA and include a theoretical adherence to the principle that "there are no rules, only suggestions," with a loud segment of the membership who insist that you'd better follow the suggestions, because if you don't, you're done for. The most common suggestion is that we work the 12 steps, the first four of which can be described thusly: Admit that your ceaseless search for perfect love (or drinking or gambling or any number of behaviors that tend to be compulsive and, eventually, joyless) is out of control and that once you start, you can't stop. Stop. Seek help from others (including a "higher power" if you're so inclined). Take a hard look at yourself and do your best to be honest about what you see.

I do my best. I admit to the group the distress that leads me to "act out" (anxiety over money; certainty that my sniffling portends nose cancer; a vision of me drooling, staring out a grimy window, counting the monotonous minutes of my golden years in enfeebled solitude). Per my sponsor's suggestion, I compile an inventory of the negative consequences of my romantic pursuits (chased women rather than worked or exercised or slept or ate; flirted with girlfriends of friends, which ended one friendship; kissed sister of girlfriend at a party, which led girlfriend to slap me; told nun who tried to counsel me at a drug and alcohol treatment program that I found her very attractive, which caused her to sigh and assign me to another counselor).

I read Twelve Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction, which was published in 1986, 10 years after a member of AA founded SLAA. The book tells me that sex and love addicts "become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them," that "fearing abandonment and loneliness, [they] stay in and return to painful, destructive relationships." And finally, "even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships…."

Unlike in AA, where the obvious goal is abstinence, SLAA members set their own "bottom lines." "I've got three years, four months, and six days without any sex outside a committed, monogamous relationship," one guy says. (Monogamous sex only is a popular bottom line.)

"I haven't paid for sex in a week and a half," testifies another.

"I haven't looked at a woman on the street for more than three seconds." (Many of the guys practice the three-second rule.)

After a couple of years in the program, I thought I'd heard every bottom line, until a lawyer in his thirties said it's been 42 days since he "believed there's any such thing as a soul mate." I get that, because my bottom line is falling in love with and/or having sex with a woman before I know whether I even like her.

A week later, I hear another novel bottom line, from a restaurant manager in his twenties. "I haven't used the principles of applied psychology to pick up women in one year and two weeks and five and a half hours."

"Is there another way to pick up women besides applied psychology?" my best friend in SLAA asks me over coffee postmeeting. Hank* is in his mid-twenties, and we speak on the phone every day. He tells me when he's afraid his younger brother's dog might die, or angry about something his older sister told him, or despondent regarding his golf match the day before. Before he started attending SLAA meetings, Hank would masturbate when he was worried about any of the above, sometimes four or five times a day. Once it was in a park, behind bushes, and he deduced that he might be headed for legal consequences, or at least intense embarrassment, if he didn't get help.

WE AGREE THAT WE'RE NOT SELFISH OR GREEDY OR WEAK OR BAD. WE'RE SIMPLY SICK. THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY ISN'T SO SURE.

I feel like we understand each other—he, my compulsive search for true love, I, his compensatory self-pleasuring. We agree that we're not selfish or greedy or weak or bad. We're simply sick. The medical community isn't so sure.

The American Psychiatric Association has never recognized sex or love addiction as a disease deserving of its own diagnostic criteria and therapeutic standards. While the 1987 and 2000 editions of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders included passages concerning "distress about a pattern of repeated sexual" conquests or relationships, all that the latest version—published in 2013—has to say on the topic is that it needs more research. (Love, as opposed to sex, addiction has never been mentioned at all in the DSM.)

"I do not like the terms sex [addiction] or love addiction, as it oversimplifies a complex phenomenon," says Eli Coleman, PhD, the director of the Program in Human Sexuality at the University of Minnesota Medical School. People do compulsively seek sex and love affairs, he says, but simply transferring treatments that might work for substance abuse to this arena isn't necessarily the answer. For alcohol and drugs, Coleman says, "abstinence…has been shown to be effective," but swearing off sex, or love, is not only ineffective, it's unhealthy.

The doctor largely responsible for the omission of sex and love addiction in the DSM-5, Charles O'Brien, MD, PhD, the chair of the manual's Substance-Related Disorders Work Group, has been more blunt. "We looked at sex addiction," he said just before the publication of the DSM-5, "but there was no science at all. None."

No science? No evidence? It doesn't bother me much. Science is famously inconclusive on the best ways to treat alcoholism. AA critics abound. I'd tried therapy and medication to stop drinking, but nothing worked until I found the 12-step program. So what if the psychiatric community hasn't given its blessing to what feels like my malady, or its treatment? So far, SLAA seems to work for me.

I still watch too much television. I still get lonely and feel sorry for myself. I still fret about housing for the poor, convictions based on faulty DNA evidence, and the way the barista at my neighborhood coffee shop seems to always fill my coffee cup to the brim, even when I explicitly ask her, day after day, to leave room for milk. The SLAA guys (and many others) suggest that I might find some relief from my noxious self-involvement by leaving my apartment more often, by focusing more on others. Maybe coach a youth-league basketball team or offer to help a relative going through hard times? An ex with whom I'm still friendly suggests I "man the f--k up." A few doctors tell me that my intense discomfort is nothing more than misfiring neuroreceptors or a shortage of dopamine and that if I just started swallowing the right pills, things would change. But I can't summon the will to volunteer, and chemical solutions scare me, based on my history. Nothing I can imagine will bring me the excitement and relief from myself that perfect romance and the hunt for it promise. But that behavior long ago reached the point of diminishing returns. SLAA says so. I know so. I might not know exactly what will save me, but I'm sure of what won't.

So I don't call the whip lover who said I was adorable. I don't fire up Pornhub.com (triggering!). I don't do any eye f--king, though I never was much of an eye f--ker. I do devour doughnuts by the box, but I don't spend time shopping online for cuff links I don't need or apartments I can't afford. I don't lurk at deli counters.

I call Hank one night and tell him that I'm worried about my work and dying alone, and that maybe it wasn't romantic sobriety keeping me from asking out that brunette from the coffee shop with the beguiling French accent. Maybe it was a lack of nerve—a reluctance to embrace my true, healthy self. Maybe I should just man the f--k up and wait for her the next seven or eight mornings and, if she shows up, declare my intentions, because don't Europeans appreciate directness? Hank clears his throat, then says that I can romance every woman in the world, but it won't be enough. If I judge my self-worth on getting women to love me, I'll never find peace.

After our conversation, I eat half a jar of extra-chunky peanut butter while watching four hours of Daredevil on Netflix. ("Progress, not perfection," I mutter between bites. This is a sentiment we 12-steppers like to mutter at moments like this.)

I tend to see love addicts everywhere: women friends who never dump one guy without having another lined up; men who can't stand to be alone and so never are; lady-killers and man-eaters; the men and women who can't seem to leave a room without doing their best to hypnotize and unsettle every member of the opposite sex unlucky enough to fall within their field of vision. ("You mean actors?" Hank says when I complain about this sort.)

My SLAA sponsor suggests I worry less about what drives others. He says I have plenty of my own issues to worry about. That stings. More peanut butter. More television. Some English muffins, if I'm going to be rigorously honest, which is what I'm supposed to be.

I hire a therapist who specializes in sex and love addiction. I date a woman for three months, realize positively that she isn't right for me but continue dating her for three more months at my therapist's urging because, he reminds me, my positive realizations are for the most part positively delusional. What I'm afraid of, he submits, is that any woman who actually gets to know me will find me wanting, because I find myself wanting.

My girlfriend and I have some difficult conversations about boundaries and my fondness for cheeseburgers and what I regard as her country of origin's position vis-à-vis my religion. "A good, healthy relationship with some problems," my therapist tells me when I hang in. Six months after we meet, we break up after failing to reach a consensus regarding the depth and magnitude of present-day Polish anti-Semitism, among other things. Five weeks after that, when I tell my therapist I'm thinking of trying to get back together with her, he advises against it. "A good, healthy relationship," he repeats, "and a good, healthy breakup."

He says the same thing after my next girlfriend, who lasts seven months. That was almost a year ago. Those were two personal bests for me, length of relationship–wise.

I think I'm getting better. No longer does the way a woman confidently, but gently, tenderly, pops a piece of chewing gum past her rosebud lips offer definitive proof that she will understand me, or accept me, or that she and I are destined to twine our fingers together as we amble beneath wise, calm, gnarled oak trees into parenthood, grandparenthood, and eventually peaceful, loving death. No longer do shoulders that smell like cotton candy launch me into a 3-D future of sweaty sex and apple pie, and then more sex and maybe a basketball game on TV and then maybe some ice cream and then maybe some more sweaty sex, but only if I'm not too sleepy, or full.

NO LONGER DO SHOULDERS THAT SMELL LIKE COTTON CANDY LAUNCH ME INTO A 3-D FUTURE OF SWEATY SEX AND APPLE PIE.

I've ceased to regard the roller-coaster lurching in my gut and the Roman candles exploding on my inner eyelids as signs of connection, or of a healthy future, or anything other than hormonal and emotional thrills—likely to be followed by spirit-rattling spills and fathomless chills.

"They're red flags," the guys in the group tell me, "not green lights."

Speaking of green lights, I met a woman in early spring. She had a steady gaze. She didn't mention whips. I knew I couldn't ascertain such things at a first meeting, but she seemed trustworthy and kind. Divorced after more than 20 years, mother of two. Former high school point guard and home-run-hitting infielder. Amazingly sexy and beautiful, but I'll refrain from going into detail here about silky hair or creamy skin or soft lips or shapely legs or luminous eyes, because I have learned from SLAA that a life in thrall to such things, or at least predominantly to them, is a life devoted to a hologram. She does work that benefits the disadvantaged. She's respected in her field. She dotes on her children. She says things lik,e "Let's do something low-key tonight."

We didn't kiss until our third date. On our fifth, I suggested that we plan a trip together soon.

"That sounds fun," she said. "But why don't we wait to get to know each other a little better first."

That bothered me. That inspired a peanut butter session. But uncertainty and discomfort are part of getting to know someone, Hank told me, when I called to complain. Those were good signs.

We rented a beach house for the Fourth of July, and even though she fell asleep every time I turned on my computer to begin the classic film of deception, violence, and betrayal that I'd recorded especially for the trip; and even though on the first night, as I was trying to shoo a giant, dangerous-looking bug out the bathroom window, she rose from bed, padded next to me, and said, "Oh, let's just end this already," and swiftly squashed the winged monster with the heel of her delicate, soft left hand, which made me feel sort of unmanly; and even though the next night, after I suggested a walk into town, she said, "Do you really need more ice cream?" it went well. Actually, much better than well. We laughed. We napped. We argued a little bit about Woody Allen and his movies. We held hands. I told her about my membership in SLAA and she told me about moving from the Midwest to New York City, and we swapped stories about our families and napped and held hands some more. We fell asleep holding each other and woke up holding each other, and it all felt—despite occasional moments of anxiety and uncertainty and the unfortunate incident with the giant and quite possibly disease-carrying bug—fine. Fantastic, really.

It didn't feel perfect. It felt better than perfect. It felt real. It still does.

This article originally appeared in the October issue of ELLE.

Relationship Inventory

I have been meaning to start my relationship inventory for quite some time now but I haven't done it yet because I never have the time. I realized tonight that I could incorporate it into my blog posts and kill 2 birds with 1 stone. So here it is, my relationship inventory:
My very first serious relationship happened when I was 17 years old. He was 20. My friend set us up as a joke, figuring I would get the punchline as soon as I met him. My self-esteem was paralyzingly low and I didn't get the punchline for many years afterward. Tom had schizophrenia, was not nice looking, smart, popular, funny, or anything else that you look for in a boyfriend. His appearance was odd at best and he was mocked by those who knew him and those who didn't. Like most schizophrenics, he was mostly non-compliant with his medication and other mental health services. He bounced from his adoptive parents' home, to group homes, to briefly living with me, to homelessness all within a short period of time. This man had extremely poor hygiene and in order to tolerate being close to him, I had to make bathing a part of our intimate encounters in order for him to do so. I took personal responsibility for this man for approximately 2 years of my life. I tried to make sure he was housed, fed, and safe during that time. I would skip school to drive him places. I compromised my own dignity and self-respect because I thought at the time that he was the best I could hope for in a romantic partner. I abandoned every moral, lesson, and truth that I had been raised with in order to please this man and make him love me. This was where my love addiction all began....

Abstinence

One of the hallmarks of recovery in the SLAA program is abstinence from your bottom line behaviors. Everyone's bottom line behaviors always includes no sex and no dating for a prolonged period of time. For me, this has been the hardest but most necessary part of my recovery. Just how hard this has been for me became clear this evening when I was at the gym. There is a man at the gym who looks very much like my latest qualifier which bothers me to say the least. When he walked near me, I had to force myself not to stare at him and not fantasize and reminisce about my qualifier. Blech!!! It's certainly difficult and painful to resist and fight all of these thoughts and cravings. But it does gets easier with time. I am just so grateful that I do not live near my qualifier and will never have to see him again. I will continue to pray to God for strength to get me through.

God

The more time I spend in the program, the more I realize how important God is in every aspect of my life. Of course I realize this everytime I am on a meeting but I especially realized this today. Recently I have been struggling with depression and cravings for my qualifier which are not pleasant feelings. Other things have also come into my life which bother me but that I know I can't control. My answer to these and all other problems is and always will be: admit powerlessness, give control up, pray, pray, pray, and ask God to help me. That's the only way that makes sense to me. "Thy will, not mine, be done".

Challenges

In my constant quest to improve myself, I went to see my doctor about possible medication treatment for my binge eating disorder and my fluctuations in mood. To my delight, she prescribed me Topamax which actually treats both! What a win/win, right? Well, maybe but right now I am struggling. The side effects are rather horrific. The ones that are most bothersome to me are extreme fatigue, memory problems, trouble maintaining a conversation,  breathing problems, and depression. Along with all of this, I have been thinking about and craving my qualifier which is strange because these feelings had subsided drastically over the past few months. I am greatly discouraged and disturbed by these turn of events. I understand that medication takes time to work and that patience is required in most things in life. So I will continue to stick it out and hope it gets better soon.

Cravings

This is an interesting topic and one that I have been thinking about lately because it's been coming up in meetings and of course I still have them but not nearly as often as before.  Check out this informative article posted on Addiction.com:

Anyone who’s engaged in addictive behavior knows something about cravings: that powerful desire that yearns to be satisfied by going back to your addiction. If you give in and indulge, it’s commonly referred to as relapse. But becoming aware of your cravings and learning how to manage them is a way to avoid relapse and stay on track with your recovery.

First, it’s important to understand that cravings are normal. Too many people recovering from addiction think that cravings are a sign that they’re relapsing. You only relapse when you revert to using the substance to cope with life stress and demands. You can and should expect to feel that strong desire to revert back to the old life from time to time. The goal isn’t to eliminate cravings, but to recognize when a craving cycle begins and then intervene before it pulls you into a downward spiral.

What Is a Craving Cycle?

Craving types and intensity differ by the person, but there’s a familiar pattern that’s common to most people. Here’s how the typical craving cycle progresses:

Trigger response. A person, event or sensory experience (smells, music or familiar surroundings, for example) trigger a thought or emotion that puts you in touch with the old addictive behavior. It could be as simple as walking by a bar and smelling alcohol or driving through a section of town where you used to meet up with drug-using friends. The trigger puts the craving cycle in motion.
Obsessive thinking. Once you’re in touch with the old addictive behavior, your mind tends to lock onto those familiar ways. It then becomes difficult to let go of these thoughts. You toss them around in your head, weighing the pros and cons. But the more you think about it, the stronger the urge to act it out becomes.
Full-blown craving. Craving is both emotional and physical. The emotional part is a compulsive need to get your “fix.” You can hardly think of anything else. The physical part of craving activates the stress response where you might experience increased heart rate, shortness of breath and perspiration. Once you get to the full-blown craving stage, the pull toward the addictive behavior is very strong and it’s difficult to resist the urge to act on your craving.

As powerful as the craving cycle can be, it’s not beyond your control. You can’t control the reality that cravings will come, but you can control how you respond to them. The key is learning to intervene in the trigger response stage. If you learn to do this, you’ll be able to avoid relapse, feel more in control of your life, and continue the growth and healing of recovery that you’ve worked so hard to realize.

How to Resist Cravings

Here are five ways to help you resist addiction cravings:

Learn the art of healthy distraction. Distraction is a double-edged tool: It can be either a form of avoidance or used to redirect your attention. Healthy distraction is used to redirect your attention from negative thoughts or a potentially dangerous situation to one that’s more neutral or has clear benefits. Types of healthy distraction include: Get into a new environment right away. Go for a walk, a bike ride or a drive. The idea is to change your surroundings so you can eliminate the triggering of the familiar sights, sounds and smells.Talk to someone who supports your recovery. Call a trusted friend, your support-group sponsor or a family member. These people will help ground you amid the swirling feelings that accompany the craving cycle. Engage in an enjoyable “clean” activity. Play a favorite video game, watch a movie, clean a room or start a new project.

These are just a few examples of choices that can help redirect your attention from the addictive behavior to healthier alternatives. With a little thought you can undoubtedly come up with many more.

Use creative imagery. Think about the images that are related to your old, addictive behavior: places you used to go, people you used to hang out with, behaviors you no longer want to engage in. Now, try to swap out those images with places, people and behaviors that support your recovery: a favorite vacation spot, the people in your support group, your family or the volunteer work you do. The creative use of imagery is a simple but potent way to stay connected with your core values and resist cravings.Dispute automatic thoughts and feelings. The triggering process can automatically cause thoughts and feelings to emerge that may seem irresistible. For example, suppose you bump into an old partying buddy at the mall and as you talk he invites you to an outing where there will be lots of familiar people as well as plenty of drinking and drugs. You feel the trigger of old memories and emotions and start rehearsing in your mind what it would be like to have fun with these people again. These automatic thoughts and feelings will quickly take over if you don’t intervene. Disputing these thoughts and feelings involves asking yourself some penetrating questions, such as:What positive action can I take in this situation?What is likely to happen if I continue thinking like this? What will be the consequences if I give in? What resources do I have to resist these urges? Get physical. When you’re physically active, your body produces natural feel-good chemicals that help improve your mood, reduce anxiety and stress, and combat depression. You don’t need to be a marathon runner or avid cyclist to get the full benefits of exercise to help combat your cravings. A brisk walk, gardening, outdoor projects or a brisk walk around the neighborhood can do the trick. Meditation and relaxation. Anxiety, anger and stress are the biggest emotional triggers for cravings. Learning some relaxation techniques can be one of your best preventative measures. Start your day with a few minutes of quiet where you close your eyes and pay attention to your slow, rhythmic breathing. Take deep breaths to engage the natural relaxation response. Journal your thoughts, meditate on where you want to go with your life, read a devotional, pray or subscribe to a service that sends you a daily motivational quote via email. Being mindful about your life will keep you focused on where you’re going instead of where you’ve been.

A Good Article

Read this very informative and enlightening article that I found on loveaddictionhelp.com:

The Love Addict

Love addicts tend to "love" others in maladaptive, compulsive, and self defeating ways that result in a diminished capacity of healthy or loving relationships with another person and the "self". Love addicts can become obsessed and dependent to any type of person. Most commonly-- love addicts become dependent to romantic love relationships. The type of person they typically draw in relationships is the emotionally unavailable.

Maladaptive Messages, Beliefs, Distortions from Childhood
 

In childhood, most love addicts may have experienced  a variety of dysfunctional family environments such as chemical dependency, chronic mental illness, chronic physical illness, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, divorce, hypercritical or non-loving environment, or loss of loved one through death, etc.

 

Love addicts tend to carry over unhealthy learned-adaptations and abandonment issues into their adult lives and relationships. They generally have a deep sense of being unlovable, unworthy, and less than, and therefore need a person in a relationship to feel alive, valued, and worthy.

 

When most people first begin a romantic relationship and fall in love, it is normal to feel some passion, euphoria and excitement.  There is that glitter in the eye, that new smile, and the hope of a happy future with the new person. Chemicals in the brain are enhanced when love is new--these are our "happy chemicals"-- the dopamine neuro-transmitter. In a normal healthy process of falling in love, there is a core component of "reality".
 

Hooked on "Love"
 

When a love addict falls in love, the euphoric feelings are greatly intensified & falsely mistaken for true love blocking out reality that really exists. "If the chemistry is great, it must be true love, my soul mate", the love addict believes. 

 

In their fantasy, reality is greatly distorted when attachment to another person occurs. They disconnect all logic rational and replace it with distortions and denial. Reality is thrown out and delusion is thrown in. The romantic "high" they feel when falling for another is created by a fantasy of their partner and what the future will bring with their new "King Savior" or "Princess-Wonder Woman".

 

In their infatuation, the love addict never notices who their partner truly is. Love addicts make up who they want their partner to be, and ignore who their partner really is. The obsession to a person (their object- drug of choice) allows the love addict to feel alive, have a sense of purpose, and gain a sense of meaning and self worth in the world. If the love addict had any purpose or sense of self before the relationship, it is lost in the dependency to the fantasy.
 

Ignoring Red Flags
 

Red flags--negative behaviors, addictions, disrespect, and emotional walls by another person--go unnoticed by the love addict. Love addicts idealize their partner and put them high up on a pedestal believing they have the power to fulfill the intense desire for love and acceptance. They view theirs partner as being better than--"the strong and independent person who has it all together"--and/or will make up in their fantasy that "he/she has so much potential as a person", which will often hook the love addict in becoming their savior.

 

As the relationship continues on and reality starts setting in, love addicts become angry and resentful because of their partners failure to meet expectations (expectations that are impossible for any person to meet).  The partners unavailability and increased avoidance triggers anxiety and feelings of abandonment which causes them to smother and demand more and more as they try to get that euphoric feeling back (or a feeling of normalcy) and the toxic dance begins between the two.

 

As the love addict desperately tries to get the partners attention, the partner further creates distance by focusing outside the relationship (other addictions or compulsive behavior's for the avoidant addict are common), and the love addicts denial slowly begins to crumble. It is like the cocaine addict losing his supply of the drug--withdrawal symptoms begin to set in, and realitybecomes more present. But even when it becomes crystal clear that the relationship is going nowhere, the love addict will fight with every nook and cranny to avoid the inevitable reality of their partners disengagement and often intolerable behaviors.
 

Love Addict- Denial of Reality
 

Even if the love addicts partner becomes verbally abusive, manipulative, blaming, and controlling, the love addict will often continue the extreme denial to avoid losing the relationship. The love addict will tolerate more and more intolerable behaviors because being with this person would be better than being alone. The love addict will give more and do more (and lose more of his/her identity) in the relationship while receiving less and less.  The love addict will take blame for things that he/she wasn't responsible for and blame him/herself for the avoidant partners unhappiness. "Anything" but losing the relationship will do. If a love addict does leave, the fantasy and denial will get transferred on to the next "one" who will make them feel special, and the destructive pattern repeats itself once again.
 

Fantasy
 

In effect, each romantic connection for love addicts brings a fleeting sense of safety and aliveness. The fantasy and delusion they create holds the false promise of emotional security driving away the gnawing emptiness, anxiety, and loneliness--if only for a moment. Their relational patterns are compulsive, out of control, and continue in spite of adverse effects on their relationships and their lives.
 

Breaking the Pattern

For love addicts to recover from this problem involves treatment of the core issues. For example, healing the shame and low self worth, unhealthy boundaries, breaking the toxic relationship patterns; and changing unhealthy beliefs about what relationships are really suppose to look like.

Resilience

I had a professor in college that talked alot about resilience and how it was her favorite word. By the end of the semester, it became my favorite word as well. I love the definition even more:
"the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness"
"ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like"

I didn't realize it at the time but I am resilient. This is true because of the devastating things I have been through in my life such as the still birth of my baby and the suicide of my ex-husband. Also, I have struggled with and been paralyzed by addictions, depression, social anxiety, and low self-esteem. Yet here I am. Rising from the ashes and doing better than I have in my entire life. Here's some inspirational quotes about resiliency:

Dieter F. Uchtdorf
“It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop.”

Gever Tulley
“Persistence and resilience only come from having been given the chance to work through difficult problems.”

Mary Oliver
“Someone I once loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift".

And my very favorite of them all:
Still I Rise

Maya Angelou, 1928 - 2014

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise
I rise
I rise.

Another milestone

Today was Valentine's Day as well as my 100th day of no contact with my latest qualifier. How fitting that those 2 fell on the same day. I am so extraordinarily proud of myself for how much progress I have made and how far I have come in the last 100 days. I am so grateful to have found the WANA phone meetings and the SLAA program in general. I shared in a meeting tonight and gave my phone number which I have never done before so I have been making extreme progress lately. This program definitely works so I will keep coming back and trusting in God to lead me in the right direction and always have my back.

Everything happens for a reason

"Everything happens for a reason". I am sure everyone has heard this statement before. Whether they believe it is another matter entirely. I always wanted to believe that it was true but I was never entirely sure until now. Now I know without a doubt that this is true. And to think that I would never have this new belief system without all of the knowledge that I have gained in program.
I write about this tonight because I am struggling with what to do about a troublesome situation in my life. This situation has happened as a result of my poor choices made many years ago. I know that I can't change the past or my choices so in trying to find a solution to this problem, I will do the only thing that I know works: I will turn to God for guidance, strength, and hope to get me through. God will provide me with the answers I need and the peace during the process if I have faith and trust in Him.

Insight

On the way home from dance class this evening, I realized something pretty extraordinary: while I am not experiencing the "thrill" of my addiction, I am also not experiencing the abject misery and constant suffering of it either. Yes, I may be alone now but at least I don't feel like my heart is breaking daily, like all of the misery will just eat me up and swallow me whole. Day by day, week by week, that constant emptiness is slowly going away, replaced by a feeling of contentment and self-discovery that would have never been possible if I was still engaged in my addiction. I am blessed to know that every painful relationship and break-up happened in order to lead me to this day and this realization: I am enough. I don't need someone else to validate me. I am a valuable person and when God decides the time is right, he will bring a man into my life that recognizes that as well. Until then, I will enjoy my own company.

100 days

Today is a pretty huge milestone day for me: it's been 100 days since I last had sex. Unlike the other times I have taken a break, I am not feeling sorry for myself about this fact. This is my choice and I am not doing it as a punishment to myself; rather I am doing it as a way to try to heal myself and work the SLAA program. This program will be the thing that will save my life,  I am absolutely convinced of it. I become more convinced with every meeting that I attend. I know with trust and faith in God and taking it one day at a time, I will heal and I will find a healthy relationship one day. With time, patience, and God, anything is possible.

Finding Myself

Much of addiction recovery is focused on reflection. Reflection of past behaviors and unhealthy patterns and my recovery has been no exception. When I think about how much time I wasted engaging in my addictive behaviors, it literally makes me cringe. Years upon years wasted on trying to get men to love me or pay attention to me. I spent so much time focusing on what they wanted, thought, needed, or felt. The problem was that I never concentrated on what I wanted, thought, needed, or felt. So here I am, almost 40 years old, getting to know who Lisa truly is for the very first time. And I can honestly say that I am happy and content with this and I will continue to trust in the recovery process. One day at a time.

Sobriety

My observations so far about what sobriety is and is not:

Sobriety is a work in progress.
Sobriety is peaceful.
Sobriety is painful.
Sobriety is earned one day at a time.
Sobriety is hard work.
Sobriety is fulfilling.
Sobriety is worthwhile.
Sobriety is an investment.

Sobriety is not perfect.
Sobriety is not black and white.
Sobriety is not a linear process.
Sobriety is not easy.
Sobriety is not a waste of time.
Sobriety is not a "cure" to addiction.
Sobriety is not guaranteed.
Sobriety is not to be taken for granted.

Qualities of a Healthy Relationship

Here's an informative article about healthy relationships that I found on PsychologyToday.com:

Alice Boyes Ph.D.

50 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

What you know and like about your partner should tell you a lot.

Posted Jan 22, 2013

If you can say yes to most of these, it's very likely you're in a healthy relationship:

1. You can name your partner’s best friend and identify a positive quality that the person has.

2. You and your partner are playful with each other.

3. You think your partner has good ideas.

4. You’d like to become more like your partner, at least in some ways.

5. Even when you disagree, you can acknowledge your partner makes sensible points.

6. You think about each other when you’re not physically together.

7. You see your partner as trustworthy.

8. In relationship-relevant areas such as warmth and attractiveness, you view your partner a little bit more positively than they view themselves or than most other people view them.

9. You enjoy the ways your partner has changed and grown since you met.

10. Your partner is enthusiastic when something goes right for you.

11. When you reunite at the end of the day, you say something positive before you say something negative.

12. You reminisce about positive experiences you've had together in the past.

13. You can name one of your partner’s favorite books.

14. You know your partner’s aspirations in life.

15. You can recall something you did together that was new and challenging for both of you.

16. You kiss every day.

17. You’re comfortable telling your partner about things that make you feel vulnerable such as worries about getting laid off.

18. You have your own “love language” (pet names or special signs you give each other).

19. You know your partner’s most embarrassing moment from childhood.

20. You know  your partner’s proudest moment from childhood.

21. You never, or very rarely, express contempt for your partner by rolling your eyes, swearing at them, or calling them crazy.

22. You can list some positive personality qualities your partner inherited from their parents.

23. If you have children together, you can list some positive personality qualities your partner has passed on to your children.

24. You enjoy supporting your partner’s exploration of personal goals and dreams, even when this involves you staying home.

25. You have a sense of security: You’re confident your partner wouldn’t be unfaithful, or do something to jeopardize your combined financial security.

26. When you argue, you still have a sense that your partner cares about your feelings and opinions.

27. Your partner lets you into their inner emotional world—they make their thoughts and feelings accessible to you.

28. You frequently express appreciation for each other.

29. You frequently express admiration for each other.

30. You feel a sense of being teammates with your partner.

31. You know your partner’s favorite song.

32. You have a sense that your individual strengths complement each other. 

33. When you say goodbye in the morning, it’s mindful and affectionate.

34. If you’ve told your partner about trauma you’ve experienced, they’ve reacted kindly.

35. You don’t flat-out refuse to talk about topics that are important to your partner.

36. You respect your partner’s other relationships with family or friends, and view them as important.

37. You have fun together.

38. You see your partner’s flaws and weaknesses in specific rather than general ways. (For example, you get annoyed about them forgetting to pick up the towels, but you don’t generally see them as inconsiderate.)

39. You’re receptive to being influenced by your partner; you’ll try their suggestions.

40. You're physically affectionate with each other.

41. You enjoy spending time together.

42. You feel a zing when you think about how you first met.

43. You can name your partner's favorite relative.

44. You can name your partner's most beloved childhood pet.

45. You can articulate what your partner sees as the recipe for happiness.

46. When you feel stressed or upset, you turn toward your partner for comfort, rather than turning away from your partner and trying to deal with it yourself. 

47. You have a sense that it's easy to get your partner's attention if you've got something important to say.

48. You like exploring your partner's body.

49. You can name your partner's favorite food.

50. If you could only take one person to a deserted island, you'd take your partner. 

Exercise and the addicted mind.

This post is a continuation of my post from last night. Clearly I was feeling extremely negative and sad about everything. Tonight I am feeling significantly better. Do you want to know what the difference was? I exercised. This morning I went running in the nasty, cold, and snowy winter weather and it made me feel like a million bucks! I have known for some time that exercise drastically helps your mood but yesterday and today absolutely cement that knowledge for me. I must be diligent about my exercise program, my mental health depends on it!

Multiple Addictions

While I am happy to report that I have maintained my sobriety with my love addiction, I am ashamed and frustrated with how my food addiction had ramped up. The newest battle of my life is binge eating. Because I have been feeling so sluggish and depressed, I blew off the gym tonight and instead opted to eat an entire pizza and a significant amount of ice cream. My mood is now worse than before I started because now I have shame and guilt to boot. *sigh*
On the bright side, there is a prescription drug available to treat binge eating, it's called Vyvanse and I will be seeing my PCP on Friday. I will be requesting it, I feel like an utter failure. I guess I need to keep praying for guidance and support.

Patience

I think one of the biggest lessons that I have learned in my recovery so far is the one of patience. So many things in life require patience and this is no exception. I used to think that I had no patience at all but this is simply not true. I do realize that I do not have as much patience as I would like to but it's definitely a process, one that I am working to change each and everyday. I know that recovery from my addiction will get easier and more manageable as time goes on, all I need to do is have patience, hope, and continue to maintain a relationship with God and pray in order for this to happen. Also, I will continue attending SLAA meetings and start working my steps, get a sponsor, and start contacting recovery partners. I am truly excited to see how exactly my recovery will enhance and enrich my life.

Day 90!

Today I have reached my biggest milestone in recovery: 90 days of sobriety. I knew that this would be a pretty important and meaningful achievement after reading about addiction especially considering the chemical parts of the brain responsible for addiction. There has been research that has supported the idea that it takes around 90 days for the chemicals in your brain to return to "normal" after abstaining from an addiction. Also, 12 step recovery programs stress the importance of maintaining sobriety for 90 days.
I am proud of the progress I have made. I greatly appreciate the invaluable knowledge I have gained and continue to look forward to the many more great changes imminent in my future all thanks to my sobriety and recovery.

Clarity

This evening I have had a realization: my recovery from this addiction is a process. At times it will be painful, slow, eye-opening, life changing, enlightening, fulfilling, and joyous. There are times I will feel incredibly happy and proud; other days, I will feel extreme pain and sadness. But this truth I know without a doubt: I will be okay, everything will turn out to be okay, and most importantly: This addiction will not beat me, I won't allow it to control me any longer! I will fight with every fiber of my being!!!

Validation

Here's a good article about effective ways to validate yourself:

4 Ways to Validate Yourself

By Sarah Newman, MA 

“I put in a request for my annual review three weeks ago,” a friend told me. “I’ve reminded my supervisor about it, but she still hasn’t scheduled it.”

It’s bad enough to worry about whether or not you’ll get a raise or a promotion, but now my friend is left feeling like she doesn’t even matter. Work for her has meant lots of unexpected travel and many weekends on the job. None of these were part of her job description, and yet…

Now those late nights at the office and weekends spent traveling to meet with clients is going to be more difficult than it was in the past. All that time spent away from friends and family — now she feels her sacrifice means very little to her higher-ups.

With job insecurity as high as it is, you’d think we’d start teaching millennials self-validation in school. Why self-validation? Because there’s no guarantee you’ll find it anywhere else.

Many people work hard but that isn’t always reflected in how they are regarded or paid. Underemployment was at nearly 14 percent as of May, and that degrades mental health. According to former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich, “the notion that you’re paid what you’re ‘worth’ is by now so deeply ingrained in the public consciousness that many who earn very little assume it’s their own fault. They feel ashamed of what they see as a personal failure — a lack of brains or a deficiency of character.”

You can begin a job search. You can vent to your friends or your therapist. But wouldn’t you also like to begin giving yourself the validation you long for? When you learn to self-validate, you become a part of your own support system. You begin to manage yourself without having to rely on external evaluations.

1. Accept your feelings without judgment.

When you’re frustrated and angry about something not going your way, take a step back and avoid judging yourself for those feelings. Sit with your emotions without reacting to them. Don’t tell yourself how you should feel. Accept how you do feel in the moment because you always have a right to feel. Comfort yourself the way a concerned and compassionate parent would.

2. Don’t let your frustration feed into shame.

Often when you feel down you become part of a shame spiral: “I’m a failure. This always happens. I don’t know why I try. I’m bound to lose. I set myself up for it.” Shame is learned from the moment you’re born, and you may become so well-versed at shaming that you feel fundamentally flawed and less than everyone else around you.

Struggling to find or maintain work or make a decent wage feeds into that toxic shame. It tells says, “You’re right, you’re defective.” You might also feed this shame after a breakup, after losing a friendship, when turned down for a date, etc.

But this is simply beating yourself up. This only leads to depression, perfectionism, and a discounting of all your successes.

3. Know your strengths.

Maybe you’re not sure what they are — especially if you’re feeling unsure of your skills at the moment. The VIA Institute on Character has a free survey on their website that ranks your character strengths including humor, curiosity, bravery, social intelligence, and leadership.

Research shows that when you use your strengths it boosts self-esteem and mitigates stress. Not only can it help you guide your career into a more fulfilling direction, it can help you embrace the real you — the you that is invaluable, the you that no one can put a price-tag on.

4. Practice positive self-talk.

Think of at least one thing about yourself that you’re proud of. It can be one of your strengths, something you accomplished in college, something you helped someone else do, whatever. Show yourself gratitude, instead of glossing over everything you’ve done right. You’re an accomplished and resilient person.

Everyone wants a fulfilling life and lucrative job, but it’s easier said than done. Perhaps the first place to start is inside yourself.

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet.” — James Oppenheim

Answered Prayers

This post is a follow up on last night's post. I struggled alot over the past few days with obsessive thoughts and fantasies about my qualifier. Last night was the roughest of all so I just repeated the same 2 prayers over and over like a mantra as I was falling asleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night, trying to go back to sleep.
The prayers worked! Today I felt a sense of peace and calmness and the obsessive thoughts have drastically declined. I had faith in God before but now I certainly do. Prayers work, people. They truly work!!!