Time

Today I have been thinking about time and how fast it truly speeds along. They say that the older you get, the faster it goes. Boy, isn't that the truth?!
This topic came up because I discovered that the daughter of a girl that I graduated high school with is graduating from high school tomorrow!!! More importantly, my son's last day of kindergarten was today and he has his first loose tooth!!! Both of those events combined illustrate how quickly time can slip through your fingers if you aren't truly present in the moment or aren't savoring every single second of life.
During my recovery, I have been reminded time and again of how much time I wasted when I was engaged in my addiction. Years upon years of efforts, money, broken hearts, and sacrificed self-dignity. At least I am glad for all of the lessons that my acting out has taught me over the years. And I will forever be grateful for all that Program has given me as well. I will continue to look forward to my Serenity journey.

Truly Living

Yesterday's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart was too good to not post:

• MAY 29 •
Mere survival is an affliction. What is of interest is life, and the direction of that life. — Guy Fregault

There are people who, when you ask them how they are, will say automatically, “I’m surviving.” They say it with a bright, brave smile, as though they’ve battled tremendous odds and come through, bloody but unbowed. Life is a grim, unfair business, they seem to imply. But in reality, their lives seem easy and secure. Others with real problems — illness in the family, financial worries, job insecurity — might greet you with a smile and bring to the simplest exchange an energy and a liveliness that sends you away refreshed. Such people have the gift of life and share it abundantly. Like the ninety-seven-year-old woman with thirty-nine great-grandchildren who greets each one of them by name and has a story and a joke for every one of them. She lives in their memory as a force of love and vitality. Her immortality is there, in the love her family bears her. Each day can bring as many joys as sorrows. When we are patient and find the courage to invest the best of ourselves, we can truly live rather than just survive.

I’m able to reach out and contribute to the richness of life. I can bring energy to those around me.

Independence

I have recently found myself (at times) feeling sorry for myself or "less than" because I am navigating this life alone. So many people in this world are a part of a couple and this reality is one that faces me in all areas of my daily life from work, family and friends, church, dance class, and every place in between. Sometimes I feel bad that I don't have a partner and other times, I feel proud of myself that I am dealing with life on my own. I have had a great role model for the latter in the form of my mother. My mom left my dad 10 years ago in an effort to start completely over from scratch, at times working 2 jobs and 7 days per week, in order to make ends meet and stay true to herself.
In conclusion, I should never view my current situation as a negative trait or feel ashamed or powerless about it. It's actually a sign of strength and power. Additionally, I will never have to depend on anyone else to provide any of my daily necessities. That in and of itself is invaluable.

Constant search for validation

The unconscious, overwhelming search for validation from others is a neverending struggle. Granted, I have gotten much better with it in the past several months. But it still is a thing.
I think most recovering love and sex addicts can relate to the following: in our constant search for validation, most of us tried our absolute best to provide everything our qualifier wanted/needed. And any criticism they leveled at us ripped our soul in 2 because damnit, WE WERE TRYING SO HARD TO BE PERFECT FOR THEM!
In my case, my most recent qualifier abruptly dumped me one Saturday afternoon about 3 months into our entanglement. As if getting dumped over the phone wasn't bad enough, he used that conversation as an opportunity to review everything in my life that he felt needed changing i.e. mitigating factors why he just couldn't be with me and/or "love me like he thought he did". One of these reasons included the fact that I did not yet have a court custody agreement with my ex in place. He said it was "weird and I needed to get my life together". It's interesting because I recently filed for custody and I must admit that the thought crossed my mind if only he could see me now. Would that allusive love that I tried to get for so long finally be mine because "I had my life together"? No, the answer is no. However, these are the types of thoughts that cross your mind when you have this disease. I shall keep on fighting!

An Amazing Truth

Today I realized that it has been almost 1 year since I met my most recent qualifier. It was June 2, 2017 that I first began talking to him and that entanglement would change my life in ways that I could never have imagined back then. Not long after meeting him, he made it extremely clear that he had no intentions of moving from Buffalo and that if we had any hopes of making things work, I would have to move there. I spent almost no time at all making the decision to do this because after all, I couldn't let such a pithy thing as distance stand between me and my "true love". When I got my first after college job in August, it was with the absolute knowledge that it would be temporary because I had my fairy tale life awaiting me in Buffalo. Moreover, and perhaps more disturbing, I knew that this relationship would be like no other. I just has a deep down feeling that this man was "The One". In fact, not long after meeting him in person and of course having sex mere hours after first meeting, I could perfectly see in my mind the image of how handsome he would look on our wedding day, dressed up in a nice tux. Both my son and his would naturally be in the wedding and it would be one of the happiest days of my life.
The degree of absolute unmitigated fantasy that was present in all of these thoughts makes me cringe today. All of those hopes and dreams that I had for someone I didn't even know. What's more, once I did get to know the true him, none of those things would I have wanted to happen between me and the Devil Incarnate.
For months after I met him, the magnetic attraction that I felt towards him wouldn't release me from it's grip. Finally with him dumping me and then me finally facing the cold hard truth, God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. He gave me my life back. For that, I will be forever grateful. For you see, even though I face an unknown future where I am not guaranteed my "Happily Ever After" that I have always wished for, I am guaranteed a peace and serenity that I have never experienced before. That is worth more than anything I could ever hope for.

May 26

Here is my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart:

• MAY 26 •
My inside, listen to me, the greatest spirit, the Teacher, is near, wake up, wake up! Oh, friend, I love you, think this over carefully! If you are in love, then why are you asleep? — Anonymous

We often know we have met a challenge in our life when we become suddenly aware of new knowledge. It’s as if a light goes on, and things suddenly make sense. One recovering person referred to this as “a blinding flash of the obvious.” It’s important to take such a moment of awareness seriously; it is a cue that we have learned a lesson, and it’s time to move on. In the past, not trusting ourselves or a Higher Power, we relied on sex to make sense of our life. And the more we used our intellect and will to run our life, the less we accomplished. In recovery, a moment of awareness is a moment of grace. It’s as if our Higher Power gives us a wonderful gift, and we can say, “So that’s what this is all about!” Our receptiveness to such a moment gives us the willingness to trust where we have been and the strength and courage to go where our life calls us next.

I will cherish the moments of awareness in my life today.

200 Days of Sobriety

I found this meaningful article on AshwoodRecovery.com. It says it all on this milestone day of my recovery.

Sobriety Milestones: What They Mean to Me

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.” ~Winston Churchill
The day my addiction to alcohol crashed in on me and I realized how much of a hold it had on my life, I felt like such a failure. If ever there was a time in my life when I thought that failure truly was a fatal condition, it was that day.
The truth though is that mine is a success story. Every day that I make the choice to stay sober and continue in my recovery journey is another example of courage in my life.
Early in my journey toward a lifetime of being sober, I realized the importance of marking and moving toward the milestones I was now enjoying.  Staying focused on those victories has time and time again been like a lifeline for me, a source of strength and encouragement during difficult days. Here are some of the milestones I have encountered and celebrated:

The Time Milestone: When Days that Have Passed are Difficult but Still Worth it if I’m Sober

Whether it is a milestone of 30 or 60 days, 1 or 10 years – or even 1 or 10 hours – celebrating every passing moment as a milestone has proven priceless to my recovery. A lot of days, being sober is hard and requires a lot of strength and courage. I find myself really needing to focus on how long it’s been since my last drink. And when I look at the calendar and count the days, I remind myself of how far I’ve come, of what it took to get there, and of why I really don’t want a drink. Because slipping into even one bottle would mean sliding backward past those milestones I’ve treasured so much. That brand of failure just isn’t an option.

Special Events and Sobriety: The Perfect Milestone to Mark the Journey

My first Christmas sober was an interesting holiday, to say the least. I didn’t know how to act (even though I had been sober for many months leading up to that day). Every Christmas for years before that, I’d been embarrassingly drunk. While it started out awkward, I quickly realized what a treasure this day was, that I could truly celebrate with my loved ones and enjoy the time.
In fact, special events are now just that to me: special. I consider every holiday or graduation or family gathering as a bonfire lighting my personal path of recovery from alcohol addiction. Allowing these special days (once marred by my out of control behavior) to shine in my newly sober life encourages me to keep pressing on.

Accomplishments in New Activities that are Not Alcohol Related

Sobriety brought about a wonderful side effect – new activities to fill the void that would otherwise be left by the alcohol I no longer let control me. I enjoy the challenging of learning new activities and of pushing myself to excel. Without the haze of alcohol to dull my senses, I find myself able to focus, catch on quickly, and be excellent in much of what I am doing.
I consider my participation in these new activities as definite milestones on my journey of sobriety. With each accomplishment (whether it’s a new skill mastered or another enjoyable hobby added) I call it a victory and celebrate my own path.
I know that I am still learning and I often make find myself making mistakes. The truth though is that with each milestone I observe, I am more confident that I am making the right decision to live my life determined to remain sober and in recovery.

Getting out of my comfort zone

Today I have been putting a great deal of thought into doing activities by myself because a.) I like my own company and b.) I want to prove once and for all to myself that I don't need a man in my life. One day, I am sure that I will want one and that he will meet all of the standards that are important to me. Until then, I plan to enjoy my life. To that end, I am seriously considering attending a concert this August at the Casino in Salamanca. It's a Toby Keith and Trace Adkins concert plus it's also outdoors.  I wouldn't need to necessarily know anyone in order to go; I could meet people there or see if any of my Facebook friends are going. The fact that I am considering this just shows how far I have come in my life and recovery! Go me; I am so proud of myself!!!

Contentment

I am so pleased to report that I can finally say that I am content for the first time in my life! This is a huge accomplishment for me because my entire world and purpose of existing was finding a man and "living happily ever after". Well, guess what? I don't have that, moreover, I am not searching for that and this is the happiest and most peaceful I have been in a long, long time. And all of this was due to my recognizance of my disease, my desire to stop acting out with destructive behavior, SLAA, and my renewed and ever-strengthing relationship with God.
Thank God I entered recovery before it was all too late. Today I can honestly say that I am truly blessed.

HUGE MILESTONE

This milestone I am so proud to report: I haven't had sex in 200 days!!!! This is such a huge accomplishment for me because this is the longest that I have gone without having sex since I first had sex 22 years ago. When I began this journey, especially in the early days of recovery, I never dreamed I would make it this far or more importantly, be this content. My program and God has given me my life back. I am now enjoying my friends, family, hobbies, and myself in ways that I never could have imagined just 6 short months ago. Thank God for SLAA and my belief in myself to stick it out and never give up!

Unexpected News

Today I found out that a man I tried to "force" a relationship with last year is now officially in a relationship with someone else. The difference between this guy and all the rest is that he is actually nice, kind, respectful, etc. With that being said, he does have qualities that I am not overly fond of. For example, coddling his daughter, not taking care of his health, and making weird and awkward jokes. I also had sex with this man one time and it was pretty bad.
Even after knowing all of this information, the fact that he is in a relationship bothered me. Partly because I am jealous that I am single and the other part was it gave me comfort knowing that he was there as a "back-up". (That wasn't fair to him nor me.) However, what's meant to be will be and God clearly has other plans for me. I just need to trust Him and His time.
"Thy will, not mine, be done."

May 20

I just wanted to share my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart:

• MAY 20 •
There are no precedents. You are the first You that ever was. — Christopher Morley

We often compare ourselves to other people, and we usually come out poorly. We may not realize that what we’re doing is harmful; we may think comparisons help us know ourselves better. “Her relationship is so good compared to mine.” “He works the Steps better than I do.” “She looks great; I look terrible.” The comparisons go on and on. Comparisons are an intellectual exercise, and as recovering men and women, we can put our intellects to better use. Security comes from an inner sense of self-acceptance, which grows every day we are in recovery. We will never discover who we are by comparing ourselves to anyone else. When we compare ourselves to others, we usually feel worse about ourselves. Comparing ourselves strips away our uniqueness and sets up a false standard we think we should meet. We are who we are. There is only one of each of us. We don’t need to compare ourselves to anyone.

If I am comparing myself to others, I will remind myself that I am unique.

Pictures

Today I was looking for a picture on my computer and I came across pictures and conversations from last year with my most recent qualifier. At any other time in the past, I would have spent alot of time romanticizing and missing the person, aching for them and all I had thought I lost.
This time was the first time in my life that I did not do that. Instead I felt gratitude that this awful person wasn't in my life anymore and that I didn't have to deal with the awful feelings that come with active addiction. Moreover, I had put this man on such a pedestal, exaggerating in my mind how "attractive" he was. When I looked at his pictures objectively, I realized that he really isn't all that attractive. He was just attractive to me at that time in my life due to this disease I have. I am so blessed to have my eyes open and be in recovery.

Healing

I found this inspiring article about toxic relationships recovery on PsychologyToday.com:

Kristen Fuller, M.D.

Happiness Is a State of Mind

Overcoming the Aftermath of Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships are directly related to mental health.

Posted May 18, 2018

Recently I published a couple of articles on toxic relationships that focused on how to recognize toxic individuals and toxic relationships and how to leave a toxic relationship and still love yourself. Relationships do not directly result in mental health disorders and eating disorders but trauma secondary to toxic relationships is a definite trigger. May is Mental Health Awareness Month gyand we often stray away from talking about the aftermaths of toxic relationships due to the stigma that is associated with toxicity and mental health. However, we must talk about it because it is something that affects many individuals on a daily basis. 
“Most of us have been involved in a toxic relationship at one time or another in our lifetimes. We all have been in the company of others who did not act for the greater good of anyone besides themselves. Toxicity comes in all forms: name-calling, physical abuse, lying, gossip and all the internal turmoil that results from being in an unhealthy relationship. Whether it is a personal relationship involving a family member, lover or a friend, or a professional relationship involving a co-worker or a boss, toxic relationships can damage and leave long-lasting effects on the person involved in one”.

The effects of a toxic relationship

Toxic relationships are harmful to all parties involved and can cause lasting damaging effects even after you leave the relationship behind.  The media often portrays individuals committing suicide or harming their spouse and child and we often do not realize the brutal pretenses leading up to these heartbreaking events. Trauma secondary to toxic relationships can cause people to act in ways that are unimaginable, brutal and devastating. Once a loved one leaves a toxic relationship we often exhale a huge sigh of relief and continue our daily activities without thinking if our loved one is enduring emotional and mental pain and/or trauma that has incurred from this toxic relationship. This trauma can often lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, disordered eating, low self-esteem and self-harm such as cutting. Mental health and traumatic triggers are directly linked to toxic relationships and vice versa. The chronic emotional and mental stress of being surrounded by a toxic individual can take a toll on your mental health. You can find yourself feeling isolated, sad, stressed, not good enough, worthless and these thoughts and emotions can lead to eating disorders and mental health disorders. The aftermaths of leaving a toxic relationship can also lead individuals to develop toxic characteristics of their own which can potentially harm their future relationships and friendships.

Recognizing that you are in a toxic relationship is the first step to improving your mental health and the second step is leaving that toxic relationship but the final step to bettering yourself is making sure you are dealing with your internal mental and emotional trauma in a positive manner. Recognizing and acknowledging these feelings and behaviors that can soon develop after exiting a toxic relationship is an extremely important step in your journey to becoming mentally and emotionally healthy. If you feel like you cannot handle these feelings on your own, it is perfectly acceptable to seek help from a mental health professional.

How to take care of yourself after exiting a toxic relationship

Surround yourself with positive people

Maintain a good and constant support group

Practice self-care whether this is exercise, reading a good book, or buying yourself a gift

Do not allow feelings of regret or self-doubt to manifest on a regular basis

Take time for yourself before you dive back into another relationship

Talk about your feelings

Seek professional help if necessary

Do not be afraid of sharing your story or feeling shame for what you experienced

Make new friends

Do not victimize yourself but instead view yourself as a strong individual

Self-blame and the aftermath
After exiting a toxic relationship it is normal for individuals to become tangled in self-blame and remember the good times but forget the name-calling, the manipulation, the control and the isolation. It is important to keep in mind that you left the relationship for a reason because you were being treated poorly and regardless of the kind words, romantic gestures, or strong chemistry your partner provided, your partner also left you broken and emotionally traumatized. Self-blame is a defense mechanism we often use to cover up our internal battle wounds but we must recognize that self-blame is a form of toxicity in itself.

Don’t allow that person to keep a piece of your heart forever
I believe that after every heartbreak, you leave a piece of you with that other person, and you may not ever get that piece back. Over time that emptiness will heal and can fill with joy, even though experiences, memories, thoughts, emotions, tears, and laughter may always be left with past individuals with whom you have shared your life. This is the human experience and the journey to find true love. Loving yourself is the most important step in a relationship and the most important step after leaving a relationship. Remember to stay true to yourself and always “check in” to make sure you are emotionally and mentally healing from your past trauma.

Consequences

Consequences are the direct result of choices we have made in our life. Consequences are interesting because sooner or later, YOU WILL have to face them. Facing consequences happened for me today. I had an appointment with my gynecologist for my annual exam. I requested a complete list of STD testing because I haven't been tested since a year ago, way before having been with my most recent qualifier. My doctor asked me if I had been having unprotected sex which was an obvious answer. When I had to answer him, I felt shame and humiliation surrounding my past behavior. I also felt like I let myself down by not valuing myself more than that and putting my health at risk.
I will have this bloodwork and pray that I have dodged a bullet. Moreover, I will never again engage in such risky and reckless behavior. I love me and I am done hurting myself.

May 16

Here is my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart:

• MAY 16 • I’m going to turn on the light, and we’ll be two people in a room looking at each other and wondering why on earth we were afraid of the dark. — Gale Wilhelm

Once we honestly acknowledge that our addiction to sex robbed us of our ability to be intimate, we are faced with the task of redefining intimacy and rethinking our attitudes and values about sex. Then we have to meet the challenge of restoring our sexuality to its rightful place in our life and forming intimate relationships. There are many levels and kinds of intimacy. We used to think the only kind that mattered was sexual, but now we know we have a deep need to be intimate with ourselves, with God, with other people, and with life itself. Our part in being intimate is simple; it’s the ability to relate appropriately to the circumstances at hand. If we’re working, we do our best. If we’re talking with someone, we give that person our full attention. If we’re hungry, we eat healthily. Intimacy is participating fully, and in the present, in whatever it is we’re doing. It means opening ourselves to all of our emotions, to joy, to reality. It means opening ourselves to life.

I can be intimate as much as I give myself wholeheartedly to the present.

Day #190

Today is day #190 of my sobriety. On this milestone day, I decided to compare my life today as it was just 1 year ago. One year ago, I was obsessing over a guy who I dated many years ago and who came over to "hang out ". The guy was much younger than me nor did I particularly like him but he was tall and had a beard so what other standards did I need? Lol.
Also, I was talking to several other guys on dating sites and exchanging numbers. I was not far from finding out that I had an STD. (which thankfully was treatable with antibiotics).
Today marks 193 days since I last had sex. I am not talking to or obsessing over any men. I have been going to meetings, engaging in hobbies, spending meaningful time with my family and friends, and getting to know who I truly am. I am free of the obsessions, compulsions, impulsivity, anxiety, and despair of my addiction. I am starting to heal. I can only imagine what the next 190 days will bring!

Triggers

Early this morning, I picked a topic for my blog this evening. This was because I experienced a trigger very early this morning, during my routine Monday morning run. This trigger was the humid air and warm temperatures. I have this trigger because last summer (the last time the weather was like this) I was acting out with my most recent qualifier. I have felt uncomfortable feelings today and I am not sure why. I know I am lonely and I miss companionship, physical contact, and of course having sex.
Also, for whatever reason, I have quite a bit of self-pity going on too. Along with the man from church, I have had other men hitting on me lately and I am aggravated. I am aggravated because the guys that hit on me, I am not interested in. The ones I want (or think I want) don't want me. It makes me feel sorry for myself even more. What if it's always like this, what if I am alone forever? Why do I continue to feel this emptiness? Why do I continue to binge eat? Ugh!

Awkward Situation

I am facing an awkward situation and I am not sure how to handle it. As I mentioned before, I have recently started to attend church. This week was my 3rd week in attendance. Last week, a single man from my church sat near myself and my son at the potluck dinner held after church. He was very attentive to me, asking me getting to know you questions, including if I was married. I was polite with him but did not lead him on in any way, shape, or form. I had an uncomfortable feeling that he was more than a little interested in me. Aside from the fact that I am not at all ready to date, I am not attracted to this man in the slightest. Today I saw him in church once again. After the service was over, we made very brief small talk and then told him I would see him next week. As I was leaving the building, he quickly handed me his cell phone number and told me to call him anytime. Ughhhhhhh. Come on now, I just want to go to church, get right with God, and possibly make friends. I certainly do not want to deal with this uncomfortable and weird situation.

190 days

Today is a HUGE milestone in my recovery. Today marks the 190th day of celibacy for me. This is a remarkable accomplishment in and of itself however this is the longest length of time in the past 22 years that I have gone without some type of sexual contact. This is a HUGE success for me and I couldn't be prouder of myself. In fact, my pride in myself made me cry tears of joy and happiness earlier today. I have found peace, serenity, joy, and contentment in my life. I have been blessed to have reconnected with my friends and hobbies, my family, myself, and God. For this, I am eternally grateful. Program has absolutely changed my life.

Day 186

Today is day #186 of my sobriety and this morning I had quite the epiphany. I reinstalled Google Allo on my phone last night. Last summer, I chatted on this app with my latest qualifier. When I reinstalled, our entire conversation was there. I took the time to read over most of it and 2 things struck me. For 1 thing, I didn't have those feelings of desperate longing like I would have in the past. Moreover, while reading, I saw this man's selfishness and narcissism like I never could when I was in the situation. And to think that I thought I was in love with this dangerous person. I have come so far in the last 186 days, I can only imagine what the next 186 days will be like!!

May 10

Here is my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart:

• MAY 10 •
Love of certainty is a demand for guarantees in advance of action. — John Dewey

When we find ourselves wondering what we can do to bring our Higher Power into our life, let’s remember that’s not our job. Our Higher Power takes care of our conscious connection when the time is right. As addicts, we want to control everything, even the timing and manifestation of our Higher Power in our life. Luckily, it doesn’t work that way — our Higher Power is not our codependent. Our task is to work on willingness and openness, which is more than enough for one person. In the past, our willingness was based on a “What’s in it for me?” system: “Tell me what I’ll get from this, and maybe I’ll do it.” It was also based on control, which for many of us meant safety. Our willingness now comes from humility and a sincere desire to change. It shows faith in our recovery and in a Power greater and wiser than ourselves. To be willing is to surrender. I will Let Go and Let God.

God, I invite You into my life today. Please help me to be willing and open to You.

Meetings

I just wanted to write about how attending meetings has helped me so much. For example, for the past few days, I have been dealing with a pretty big stressor. I made a important decision on Monday and I have been second guessing myself ever since. I decided to call into a meeting, offer to do service, and share and I am so glad I did. It helped to talk about what is going on with people who understand this disease better than anyone. I was also able to get experience, strength, and hope from tonight's meeting as well. More importantly, I have realized the importance of my relationship with God as each day passes. If I trust in Him, I will always be okay.

Success and Progress

This morning when I was in the shower, I had a shocking realization: the last "real" relationship I had was 2 years ago.  Which means that I have been living alone for 2 entire years! And not only am I fine, but I am thriving! I am so proud of myself and how far I have come. The first several months of this journey have been pretty rough but I am happy and relieved to report that I think the worst days of my withdrawal are behind me. I think it will all be much easier now than it was in the beginning. Or last September after my most recent qualifier dumped me. Or in November after I blocked the same qualifier and ended up in abrupt withdrawal. One day at a time, God grant me the serenity!

Comfort Zones

Today I got out of my comfort zone in a BIG way. I completed a task that I was dreading and thinking that maybe I couldn't do. This is a task that I have been planning to do for a few months. I thought the process would be more complicated and time consuming yet it wasn't bad at all. After the task was complete, I was so extremely proud of myself. This led me to another series of thoughts: if I can successfully get out of my comfort zone all the times I have in the last several months, I can certainly get out of my comfort zone when it comes to being attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I don't need to cling to these people like they are my life preserver in the ocean, I do need to recognize my unhealthy patterns and make the necessary adjustments to insure that my future is not a repeat of my past.

Attitude of Gratitude

Today marks 6 months of sobriety for me. 181 days of not acting out, being in recovery, and being true to myself for the first time in my life. Because of this, I feel so blessed and grateful to be a member of this fellowship and connect with the wonderful women in program on almost a daily basis. Program has given me clarity, dignity, and my self-respect back but it also has given me so much more. It has taught me that it's okay to seek out and ask for help, it has strengthened my relationship with God (I now attend church weekly), and has given me many valuable life tools that have aided me in my daily life. I thank God for this program everyday and how lucky I am that I found it!

May 5

Here's Answers in the Heart May 5 entry:

• MAY 5 •
He that can’t endure the bad, will not live to see the good. — Yiddish proverb

Some messages from our culture seem like attempts to persuade us that life should be easy, fun, and profitable — morning, noon, and night. Otherwise we’re led to believe that we are being cheated out of the “rights” promised to those born in a country of privilege and plenty. We may have to relearn life’s hard lesson that to prevail, we often need to persevere and endure. Images seduce us with promises of immediate gratification; fantasies beckon us to the quick fix. It’s not surprising so many of us succumb to addiction; we’re just not used to having to wait and strive for our rewards. To work to be free of addictive behavior we have to change our way of thinking about the world. We may have to learn, perhaps for the first time, to do without, to be patient, and to defer our pleasures — to wait for what rewards there may be. At first we may feel cheated and betrayed, but then, as our program starts working, we will gain more enduring satisfaction rather than the fleeting, empty pleasures of our addiction. I am learning to be patient and to persevere in a world that was not constructed just for me and my pleasures.

Addiction Recovery

I found a really great article on milestones in addiction recovery, from choosehelp.com:

Dangerous Anniversaries: Avoiding Recovery Pitfalls at 30 Days and 3, 6, 9 and 12 Months

Jul 23, 2014 | Jim LaPierre

Recovery is filled with perilous moments. Most who travel the path find that there are benchmark stages when you need to be especially careful and well-supported. The most common of these are: thirty days, three months, six months, nine months, one year and annually.

Surviving Dangerous Anniversaries 

As the literature of AA states, the disease of addiction is “cunning, baffling, and powerful.”

The disease may encourage us to believe that we are one of the “unfortunates” who cannot grasp the program and thus should give up and return to using. 

Alternatively, it encourages us to be overly confident, arguing that if we can achieve a significant period of sobriety then we ought to be able to return and manage using/drinking.

The need for support and accountability (particularly in the first year of sobriety) is best demonstrated by the impact of addictive thinking. It is useful to conceptualize the disease as being a part of yourself. It is a voice that draws you ever closer to the razor’s edge of the cliff. It is always present, lurking and awaiting opportunities to move from the back of your head to the forefront of your thoughts.

30 Days

We’ve weathered the worst of the initial storm. We feel better physically and while we’re still likely to be terrified, things in the world around us are starting to make sense. We have fleeting moments in which we glimpse the wreckage of our past and are relieved to find that loved ones and folks in AA and NA discourage us from focusing upon it. Instead, they encourage us to focus on the here and now and connect to others in recovery.
There’s an adage in AA, “Think, think, think…drink, drink, drink.”

Don't go it alone - self reliance and depending upon your perception and thinking is dangerous. 

So let others guide you - you need folks who are willing to be sounding boards and offer reality checks. If you are willing to be candid and share your ideas, fears, and plans with those further along in recovery, you can receive assurances that you are moving in the right direction – neither complacent nor regressing. 

Three Months

This is a huge benchmark. Hopefully you've been gathering support along the way and have at least one person (ideally a sponsor or other respected person who is capable of seeing you objectively) holding you accountable for what you say you'll do. Ideally, you also have peers, friends and other supports that you maintain connection and contact with.
Learning to Trust
Opening up and sharing our true selves is the hardest thing to do. People with substance use disorders often have difficulty trusting others. We fear being vulnerable. The underlying and greater difficulty is that we do not trust ourselves.

However, every addict and alcoholic has extensive experience with self deception and self destruction. 

So choosing to trust then is a matter of weighing which is more frightening: opening up to others or relying on ourselves.

Six Months

We begin move further from of our comfort zones. We find it difficult not to complicate things but realize that honesty and simplicity lead to clarity. We start living life on life’s terms and this allows for change and acceptance.
Six months is a very common relapse time and trigger. It’s about as long as a person can work a program alone and white knuckle their fears. Folks who refer to themselves as “chronic relapsers” most often hit the wall at six months.
Moving Past Early Recovery
A lot of us know how to do early recovery very well. We are simply afraid to grow beyond it and we live with irrational fears of what we might become.

Even though it's difficult to share irrational fears (you may feel embarrassment and shame) you need to address your fears of the unknown.

Get past being “terminally unique” by realizing everyone else has/had similar fears.

Nine Months

Our new lives have officially extended to the amount of time it takes to make a baby!
We have every right to build confidence but it must be tempered by humility. We have certainly reached a point in which we have a lot to offer those new to recovery. Being of service to others keeps us humble. We start to understand what people mean when they say that the only way to keep it is to give it away.
Dealing with Expectations
At nine months you may struggle with other's expectations. You may discover that you have subconsciously sought to keep expectations low due to fear of failure.

You need to get honest and real and talk openly about expectations with anyone you feel has authority in your life.

One Year

Many “old timers” (people with long term recovery) have shared with me that regardless of the years they accumulate, that they still get “squirrelly” roughly two weeks before and after their anniversary dates. This is natural. We anticipate the milestone and naturally take stock of how far we’ve come. We consider where we’re going and what the quality of our recovery is. Fortifying our support system allows us to further invest in ourselves and others.

The silver lining

I have developed a very effective and positive coping skill recently: whenever I find myself fantasizing and/or thinking about my latest qualifier, I remind myself of how much more peaceful my life is without my addiction. While acting out was exciting and sometimes energizing, it also made me full of anxiety and always involved a huge letdown after the encounter or liaison was over. Some of my highest highs were experienced when I was enroute to acting out; on the flip side, some of my lowest lows were experienced upon leaving the location of acting out. The high levels of anxiety that I experienced as a result of my addiction were absolutely obscene. Matter of fact, my PCP prescribed anxiety medication for me due to the anxiety that I was experiencing during these "relationships". I have not once taken this medication since beginning my recovery. Hallelujah.

Bad Days

We all have them. We all make it through them. Today I had a pretty awful day which started at work. I started feeling overwhelmed and incompetent and everything went downhill from there. I am not sure if it's PMS, my new medication, or if I am getting sick but I sure feel pretty badly today.
When I got home, I used a positive coping skill (talking to my best friend) but I also engaged in binge eating. My weight has always been something I have struggled with and that has not changed over all these years. I have gained back 20 pounds from the weight I lost 4 years ago. I am still down 70 pounds but I am just so frustrated. I know my eating ramped up when I stopped acting out with men. I just wish my acting out with food would stop as well.

Acceptance

I have been thinking about acceptance recently and how common it is for people to resist accepting things. If you can take steps to change whatever it is, then clearly acceptance is not needed. But if it's something you can't control, then acceptance is the only option. If you do not come to acceptance about the uncontrollable, you will drive yourself crazy and waste precious moments of your life.
A few things that I have to accept and can't change: my sex/love addiction, my food addiction, that my father is an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, my all/nothing thinking, my mental health diagnoses, and my general body shape, to name a few.
I hate having sex/love addiction, I wish that I could just engage in healthy relationships like "normal" people. However, I do have it and I always will. The only option I have is to accept it and learn to deal/live with it. One day at a time.