Easter blessings

Here I am on the night before Easter, feeling blessed, proud, and happy. Earlier I wasn't feeling the greatest; I have been experiencing waves of melancholy all week. My Internet wasn't working this morning, I had to call a technician to come and fix it and he showed up late. I was actually working on documentation for my job too. However everything all worked out in the end. My Internet got fixed at no charge to me, I found some things around the house that I have been looking for, I finished ALL of my work so I can spend the next 2 days with my family, and I played Easter bunny for my son, making him the coolest basket that he will love tomorrow. I think part of what helped me was calling into a SLAA meeting where the topic was withdrawal and there was a discussion about meditation. Just hearing the voices on the line and the experience, strength  and hope from those who truly understand my addiction means more to me than words could ever express. Yes, I am lonely and struggling at times with my addiction/recovery however right now at this moment, life is good and I am at peace. God has blessed me this day. I pray to Him that I will work through this and truly find peace and serenity one day.

Healthy Boundaries

Because of something unexpected that happened today, I have decided to share the following article on healthy boundaries from psychologytoday.com:

Abigail Brenner M.D.

In Flux

7 Tips to Create Healthy Boundaries with Others

Knowing When to Say No

Posted Nov 21, 2015

A healthy relationship requires the space to be yourself, to maintain your personal integrity. Most people will respect your boundaries when you explain what they are and will expect that you will do the same for them; it’s a two-way street. Not so with people who don’t understand where you end and they begin. Chances are people who try to invade your space are not thinking about you or how pushing the limits of your boundaries will affect you. They clearly feel entitled to get whatever they ask for, whatever they think they need, because, of course, their needs are more important than yours.

For many of us our earliest experiences have been positive enough to allow us to adapt a trusting attitude when it comes to others. Some people, however, who have a great deal of difficulty with trust as a result of instability, inconsistency, invasion of boundaries, and even actual threat of harm or alienation at some point in their lives, may be more vulnerable, more open to boundary violations. Many in this situation may have “shaky” self-esteem, may fear the loss of a relationship (without even understanding how limiting or damaging it is to them), and/or have guilt about making someone angry or unhappy if they don’t engage. 
How do you know if your boundaries are being crossed? Generally, there are a few broad categories that comprise boundary violations: verbal, psychological, emotional, and physical. Ethical, spiritual, and moralboundary violations exist as well.
Verbal violations include not allowing you to speak or be heard, raising their voice and/or screaming at you, saying things that are derogatory or inflammatory about your integrity and character, gossiping about you.
Psychological and emotional boundary violations include preying upon your sense of self and self-esteem, using what you’ve told them in confidence against you, lyingto you, criticizing, demeaning, judging, or manipulating you, making fun of you, your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for them or a situation, making demands of your time and energy, shaming or embarrassing you, bullying you, assuring you that their thoughts and beliefs are superior to and more important than yours.

Physical violations include moving into your personal space, touching you without permission, being inappropriate or too familiar, especially sexually, (including sexual references and overtures), touching or handling things that belong to you, violating your privacy (cell phone, computer, social media contacts, personal records), damaging or destroying your personal property, threatening you with physical harm.
While admittedly it may take involvement with several different people over a period of time, eventually getting the hang of who you want in your life and understanding who respects you and your space as opposed to people who are out for themselves (and are basically otherwise toxic), here are some tips in the meantime to help you navigate your way to your goal of establishing healthy boundaries.
Know thyself. Get to know yourself as best you can. This means that you need to learn what’s really important to you, what you really value apart from anyone else. Gaining access to your inner world by becoming familiar and comfortable with your own beliefs, emotions, feelings, and ideas is essential. The intimacy you experience within yourself serves as your own personal relational barometer. The better you know yourself the better you are able to understand and choose those significant others that best mirror the kind of life experience you want to have.

Take responsibility for yourself. This means to become aware, to develop the capacity for active conscious involvement, to know what needs to be done for yourself. By setting your own boundaries, you’re telling others how you want and expect to be treated; in other words, you are setting your limits about who can come into your space and what you expect of others once they’re there--- how you want to be spoken to, touched, and treated psychologically and emotionally. Whatever you say goes, no matter what others may think, feel, or believe.  A corollary of this is that you are not responsible for the feelings, actions, and beliefs of others, or for the way they react to the boundaries you’ve set.
Develop a healthy respect for yourself. All of your experiences, including the mistakes you’ve made help to shape your character---who you are. No one beside you, no matter how persuasive they may be, can define you or try to control who you are. When you respect yourself, all of who you are, you should expect that others will treat you with respect. If they don’t, that’s a clear sign not to engage.
Heed the warning signs. Stay away from anyone who has his or her own agenda and thinks nothing of pushing the limit, of invading your space for their own end. This is not a hard thing to recognize since there’s usually not much subtlety involved. In fact, the more you resist their attempts to engage you in a way that’s best for them, the more obvious, desperate, insulting, and shrill they may become as they try to up the ante.
Don’t try to fix people. Fixing others is a way of trying to get love, attention, and/or validation. Getting love/attention/validation must mean you’re “okay”---right? It’s a waste of your time and energy to try to fix them because, bottom line, they’re not interested in becoming any other way than they are. And the fact is you certainly don’t need fixing from self-serving people who want to tell you what to do and what’s good for you.
You are in charge of your choices. You have the right to change your mind or your direction at any time. You don’t need to feel that you owe anyone anything more than you want to give with your free and conscious heart. Anyone who mistreats you, is disrespectful of your wishes, refuses to hear you, and has no intention of changing is trouble with a capital T. Be ready to walk away without fear or guilt, and don’t look back.
Separate yourself from others. It may be difficult to imagine being emotionally attached to others while remaining psychologically and intellectually detached. This means that you are able to separate your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs from others. You understand that your boundaries are different from others. This detachment creates enough room, a kind of “psychic space” between you and others that allows for personal expression while minimizing emotional and psychological entanglement. Gaining a healthy perspective of others without creating conflict within yourself is the goal.

Time

Time is a funny thing. At least the concept of time is in relation to maintaining sobriety. For example, I have been sober for almost 5 months. Typically 5 months doesn't seem that long to the average adult and normally it doesn't to me either EXCEPT the past 5 months. Time has rarely ever gone as slow as it has seemed to during this time period. It's discouraging. What's more discouraging is realizing just how long it will take me to truly get my shit together. I have had unhealthy attachments with people for all of my life and tumultuous and problematic relationships for the past 22 years. I have unresolved issues with my dad and low self-esteem problems. I struggle with addictions to relationships and food. All of this baggage is going to take so long to work through, I wonder if I will ever actually make it to the point of truly feeling happy and content?!

March 28

Here is my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart:

• MARCH 28 •
She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She doesn’t dare to be herself. — Anaïs Nin
Do I know myself only in the image of what others make of me? Do I exist only in the gaze of others? What would happen if there was nobody to see me, to make me up? Would I simply disappear and cease to exist? If we lack a sense of ourselves as people changing, on the move, in a process of growth, then it is easy to let ourselves become fixed, defined, static, lifeless. Other people will always be happy to do the work of defining us if we are unwilling to find out who we are ourselves. Of course we need to be seen and noticed and valued by others — but not at the expense of ourselves. We must dare to be. We must take the risk of creating ourselves and get to know and like ourselves — this strange and wonderful creature.

I am going to dare to be myself and welcome change and growth.

Emotionally absent fathers

I think that one of the causes of my live addiction and other things has been my non-existent relationship with my emotionally unavailable father. I found a very good article online this evening about the topic:

How Having An Emotionally Absent Father Still Affects Me Today

By Anonymous, October 26th 2015

There are many things in my life I cannot complain about. And this article is not meant to over-exaggerate, nor is it meant to take the spotlight away from people who have probably had it way worse than I have.

The purpose of this article is to shed light on a personal issue that as a matter of fact, I did not even realize was an issue whatsoever for so long. The goal of this is to share the emotions behind a void I have learned to conceal and how this has subconsciously translated into other aspects of my life, mainly relationships.

Growing up, I physically had both my mother and father in my life. Emotionally however, I can say that I have only had a mother- one that has played the mental and support role of both parents simultaneously.

My father was not nor is he now, a monster. He was however, with me, extremely cold and emotionally unavailable.

I do not remember one instance where my father has told me he loved me. That is not to deny that he doesn’t.

Growing up, the main emotion I recall having towards my father was that of fear and discipline. I recall having to act in certain ways as to not upset my father. I had to behave accordingly and not do anything that may be perceived as a nuisance to him to avoid being punished.

Growing up, I avoided my father as much as I can. Physically, he has always been there. But in my memories, he is close to being absent.

I recall my mom during important days of life such as my birthdays and graduations and school choir performances. I don’t recall ever having my father being there during my elementary, high school or university graduations.

I do remember always looking out at the audience – whether it be my 4th grade choir recital or my walking on stage to receive my degree, and seeing my mom beaming a big proud smile.

That is not to say that my dad wasn’t proud of me. I am indeed sure that he was. However, throughout my entire childhood and even onto my adulthood, I never received that love or assurance.

So I lived nearly my entire life never feeling that I was missing something paternally. My mom has always ensured I had a parent to support and love me, and for that I am forever grateful as she is the person I am today.

It is not until recently that I began to realize that the emotional absence of a father throughout my entire life has indeed had a toll on me. And these are 5 reasons as to how this is so:

1. I have only ever ended up with emotionally unavailable men.

Throughout all of my relationship and dating history, I have only been with men that were either emotionally abusive or distant. As most women who end up in these types of relationships, it is not something I had ever wanted – yet it has always somehow just ended up this way. I realized that subconsciously, this is the type of relationship that I am familiar with. It’s the only type of relationship with men that I had ever known.

2. I fear letting someone close to me.

When it comes to dating and relationships, I am extremely hesitant about letting someone know the depths of me. It is very difficult for me to share my fears and passions as I subconsciously think that this what makes a man leave.

3. I have an unattainable sense of self-perfection I cannot live up to.

I realized that I subconsciously feel that I have to pretend to be perfect to sustain attraction. Throughout all of my dating scenarios, I have always tried to put on a front that ends up failing. Perhaps because I feel like no one would want to see my true self, with all my inner flaws and still express their love and devotion.

4. Severe trust issues.

When I notice that a guy is just starting to become emotionally involved, I subconsciously set off many red flags. “He’s untruthful!, He has ulterior motives, He just wants to pretend to get what he wants!, He is too good to be true!” These are the types of thoughts that run through my head when a man is coming off as genuine. Perhaps that is why the only dating situations I have been in have been emotionally exhausting and ultimately, toxic.

5. I fear saying something that will inflict an attack.

I have an inherent fear of saying something that I will end up paying for emotionally. This is in the form of being belittled or ignored or as a form of punishment. As a result, rather than being comfortable addressing my concerns with someone I am dating, I try to avoid this in fear of retaliation. I subconsciously feel that I do not have the right to feel or act in a way the other person wouldn’t like.

There you have it. I never had a father that made me feel beautiful or worthy or loved. And as much as I never wanted to admit it, this had an impact on my relationships with men.

Though this issue is something I can admit has subconsciously impacted me in one way or another, it is something I am learning to address and heal.

We all have our share or personal trauma and one of the most important steps is acknowledgment to reach self-growth.

Prayer

The power of prayer and the promise it provides is so calming and helpful. Last night, I went to sleep feeling obsessive, empty, and needy. I ended up having bad dreams about my latest qualifier and woke up feeling even worse. I continued to struggle with obsessive thoughts all day and even still it's bothering me. However I stayed über busy the entire day and continued to pray. Right now I am feeling pretty good. Something else that has helped me is the realization that while these feelings are painful and uncomfortable, they won't last forever. If I just sit with them, they will go away eventually and I will feel better. And I will feel better eventually WITHOUT having to act out and lose my sobriety and self-respect. I am so grateful for SLAA and all that it has brought to my life, I am so blessed!!!!

Absolute Success

I am happy to report that I had the best time last night! It was so much fun to see my friend from college and a male friend of mine also showed up. We arrived there at about 8 and didn't leave until 2. I did not act out or attempt to act out. I focused on having fun dancing, drinking, and catching up with my friends. A few times, I felt myself wishing I was there with a boyfriend but it didn't last long and it come and went very quickly so it didn't really bother me. I had a fantastic time without a man and I was pretty confident and comfortable with being a single person. Both of my friends are in committed relationships and I never even thought to compare myself with them. Normally I would have done this and it would have led me to begin feeling sorry for myself. But it didn't happen! I am so proud of myself and grateful for my recovery and sobriety in the SLAA program.

4 months and 17 days later

Well, this evening I am going out with my good friend from college. Let me just tell you how excited I am! We haven't been out since November 18 and I feel as if that event was an unmitigated disaster. Not because of any another reason except for the fact that I was going through withdrawal and I was miserable and in so much pain. We were at a bar with a great band and having a great time but they were a lot of seemingly happy couples all around us. I couldn't help but think of my qualifier and start missing him a great deal. I was in so much pain that I ended up cutting the night short and going home early.
I am happy to report that almost 5 months later, there will be no repeat of the last time we were out. I am feeling happy and content tonight with being single and loving myself. And in an ironic twist of fate, we are going to the same bar and the same band is playing as it was in November. Here's to having great times with great friends! 😊

Love Avoidant qualities

Love addicts tend to be most attracted to love avoidants. They also tend to be the people love addicts get into relationships with the most. The following is a informative article about the qualities of a love avoidant. From loveaddictionhelp.com:

Love Avoidance: 12 Distancing Strategies the Love Avoidant Uses To Evade Intimacy

Growing up, the Love Avoidantdeveloped defensive mechanisms in order to protect the self from a controlling, demanding, and/or needy parent (‘s) … In adulthood, these defensive patterns remain active in driving behavioral choices in close relationships (i.e., evading intimacy).
It’s rather paradoxical that a Love Addictobsessively pursues romance with individuals (aLove Avoidant) who regularly use defensive strategies to avoid what love addicts want most— intimate contact.
Initially, a Love Avoidant will seem very eager to connect with their Love Addict partner– triggering an illusion that the theyfinally found “one-of-a-kind.” But once hooked, and the relationship unfolds… the Love Avoidant flip-flops, changing into an entirely different person. Instead of displaying a desire to connect, he/she emotionally disengages, becoming cold, unavailable, and unreliable. In a short time, the message seems to be, “I want you, but go away.” -- leaving the Love Addict feeling baffled, and asking themseves, “What the hell happened?”
There is good reason why a Love Addict finds it is so difficult to intimately connect and feel close to their partner … Since, for a Love Avoidant, one of their chief objectives in romantic relationships is to evade intimacy - at all costs!
Love Avoidance is an “intimacy disorder.When people have an intimacy disorder, it means they all share a profound fear of intimacy (e.g., closeness, “being known,” vulnerability, sharing thoughts/feelings) * along with an underlying fear of abandonment.
In a Love Avoidants mind, intimacy with another person is equivalent to being engulfed, suffocated, and controlled. Too much closeness with another feels literally like losing themselves, and yes, can even feel like dying. (that is how intense their fears can be). Consequently, in romantic relationships they have a heightened focus to make sure their partner keeps from getting too close.
 

A Love Avoidant does not embrace intimate connection - but embraces ‘defying it’.

The Love Avoidant partner may send just enough mixed messages  to keep the fantasy alive— just enough to give you some hint of what “might be” possible,” or “could be” possible, or “would be”  possible.  Yet the REALITY is: What is possible, will NEVER actually be. Any sporadic “crumbs” of connection you get, is as much as you will ever get with an Avoidant.

Distancing Strategies - The "Anti-Intimacy" Tool Box for the Love Avoidant

How does the Love Avoidant disengage and keep their romantic partner at a distance? In close relationships, the Love Avoidant utilizes a variety of methods, kind of an, “anti-intimacy” tool box-- filled with distancing strategies. Distancing Strategies are tactical behaviors and attitudes used to elude and squelch intimate connection.
Although Love Avoidants have a need and desire to seek closeness in relationships (a hidden truth behind their mask)— they make an intensive effort to repress these needs (learned coping defensives from childhood). Distancing Strategies are the tools used to incapacitate and suppress these needs. The following are some of the most commondistancing strategies used in romantic relationships.

12 Common Distancing Strategies Love Avoidants Use To Evade Intimacy In Romantic Relationships

Examine the following list of Distancing Strategies (whether single or in a relationship) used by Love Avoidants to avoid intimate connection in. The more you experience your partner utilizing one or more of these tactics-- the less fullfilled, and more alone you will feel in your relationship.
 

Avoiding physical closeness— avoiding sex, or severely reducing sexual contact; eluding physical affection; avoiding proximity/closeness: (e.g., hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close; avoiding sharing the same bed; avoids sharing same bed; walks ahead or behind, etc.); also may retreat when affection is offered. 
 

Refusal to make commitment— makes assorted statements to shun commiting to a relationship, “I’m not ready for commitment,” “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I never have good relationships”, all the while engaging in a monogamous relationship, sometimes for years; (relationship looks/appears like a committed relationship).
 

Avoids verbalizing “I love you”— avoids saying “I love you”, while simultaneously asserting feelings towards the other; makes excuses as to why he/she can’t or won’t say, ”I love you";  may say something like, “You know how I feel, why should I have to say it."
 

Sabotages when things are going well—when relationship seems to be going well, he/she sabotages or disrupts it in some way; e.g., starts arguments; suddenly acts angry or resentful; becomes passive-aggressive; doesn't keep agreements; doesn't call back; becomes overly demanding, controlling arrrogant; becomes hostile, defensive, or reactive for no apparent reason;  creates unnecessary drama, etc.)
 

Cheats or has affair/’s— establishes a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship with another person; creates relationship with people who are unavailable (e.g., married or already in a committed romantic relationship).
 

Refuses to resolve conflicts; communicate— refuses to discuss relational problems or resolve, negotiate conflicts; rebuffs sharing his/her internal or external stressors; withholds feelings, thoughts, wants or needs.
 

Criticizes or devalues— partner becomes the “enemy”; focuses on partners flaws or imperfections; makes belittling observations (e.g., comments on way partner talks, dresses, eats, looks, or (fill in the blank); finds fault/blames partner for any current or ongoing issues); displays a negative attitude of resentment, revulsion, or dislike; disparaging comments on traits he/she found to be positive in recent past; devalues, despite partners genuine effort of being open, loving, honest, caring, supportive, etc.
 

Pines for past relationship (ex-girlfriend/boyfriend)—   talks or thinks about a past relationship partner with a sense of craving, nostalgia, yearning, or longing for “the long lost love”; may make statements about great qualities of an ex-flame, all the while ignoring/minimizing ex’s imperfections that, in reality, what avodiant focused on in past relationship; convinces self that he/she was “the best partner I ever had”; may also dream of “the one perfect partner” who is “out there somewhere”. *This defense may seem absurd (it is). Yet, in the Avoidants mind, this defense justifies that “I’m okay and not the problem, my partner (current) is the problem” … to them, a perfect rational to keep a current partner at arm’s length and make him/her seem unimportant by comparison. It also sends a message that the avoidant partner “actually craves or is capable of intimacy." Don’t buy it!– dreaming of an ideal partner or ruminating about a past relationship doesn’t mean the avoidant is capable of real intimacy; the truth is in fact, they drive it away; and would do so in any romantic relationship they get in.
 

Flirting with others— frequently leads on, flirts, teases, or plays with other/'s seemingly potential partners or “flings” (with little or no consideration of current partners feelings) - a tactic to send a conscious or unconscious message that “I’m always on the lookout for another, you’re not that important to me”-- no doubt, this is an emotionally abusive and callous act to make a partner feel insecure, anxious, and self-doubting. As goes one quote, “Flirting is the Art of Keeping Distance at a Safe Distance."
 

Emotionally “checks out” of relationship—  spends lots of time away from partner; displays disinterest about partner’s daily life, concerns, thoughts, views, or feelings; rarely initiates conversations and/or cuts them short; indifferent, aloof, and unconcerned attitudes; ignores or minimizes sincere caring and loving acts/behaviors by partner; exhibits a posture such as, “you’re not that important to me”, “I have more important things to do with my time”, or “Don’t bother me."
 

Keeps Secrets —   withholds important information from partner (e.g., won’t tell how money is spent; doesn’t share what he/she is doing with their time , or persons they spent time with when away;  conceals important feelings, thoughts, or views); shares information in ways which leaves things unclear, vague, or ambiguous; may keep secrets from close family members, friends, etc. about personal or relational matters. This defense is to maintain an entrenched desire to be independent and self-reliant (all Avoidants have) * Healthy/secure relationships involve inter-dependency:  a balance of independence and dependence. One extreme or the other blocks authentic interaction and intimacy, and leads to painful/unhappy relationships.
 

Focus is outside/away from relationship—creates external distractions; diverts essential time and energy away from relationship (e.g., being excessively preoccupied in work, hobbies, children, or other relationships); outside focus can be some addiction or compulsive behavior (e,g., porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, gaming, etc.) -- All a sure way to disengage and avoid giving a relationship time and nourishment; guaranteeing the obstruction of intimacy.

Avoidance is NOT — Love. True Love Does NOT
Evade or Turn Away. True Love Embraces and Turns To.

A quintessential representation of a Love Avoidant in romantic relationships is someone who consistently maintains an emotional and mental distance from their partner. They feel overwhelmed by their partner’s desire for closeness, and feel stifled at any thoughts or pressures of vulnerability-- and rely on an escape route, throughdistancing strategies.
For the Love Avoidant, distancing strategies make sense, as they are very effective at keeping themselves emotionally walled up and disengaged in a romantic relationship. Yet, using distancing strategies is very ineffective at creating a loving, happy relationship- for both partners.
Love Avoidants fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and closeness is recurrent and pervasive. They are afraid to genuinely love another and to be loved by another. Intimacy is their foe. 
The more the Love Addict persues, the more the Avoidant distances. So try and try as you may, put all your effort and energy you want to feel connected, valued, reassured, and loved by a Love Avoidant partner... and still, you have a fearful/insecure partner pushing you further away, and who by the way, will inevitably see you as the problem to their unhappiness-- Don’t ever accept this.
Never ever, take on blame or accept responsibility for what is not yours. A Love Avoidant does not just enter a relationship and suddenly become this way. Who you are isn't the cause.  Sorry, you just don’t have that much power to “make” someone behave and act this way. They have unresolved issues, and you cannot rescue them, nor are you responsible for them. This is who they were before you met; and who they will continue to be, whether you're with them or not. It is not you - none of their junk is about you.
One more thing... Just because you’ve felt intense chemistry, attraction, euphoria, and excitement with someone who is Love Avoidant– doesn’t mean it is love!

STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF
YOU ARE HARD TO LOVE.

Sober dating

I have been thinking a lot lately about sober dating. I am not anywhere close to being ready to sober date but I still find myself thinking about it. I have a pamphlet on sober dating that I got from the SLAA website. I haven't started reading it yet but I am looking forward to doing so.
Sober dating is just so far away from the dating that I am used to, I know once I begin doing it, it will feel foreign and uncomfortable at first. But I will stick with it, stay in the present, enjoy myself, not fantasize, and most importantly not have sex on a first, second, or even third date. I am looking forward to practicing these "rules" in the future.

Obsessive Fantasies

Lately I have been having a lot of obsessive fantasies about my latest qualifier. This has been bothersome to me because they are upsetting, triggering, and still cause a sexual response from me. They usually happen right before bed which then makes me dream of him so the next morning, I feel like I had just been with him. I am sure there are many reasons why this is happening but part of it is due to unresolved issues with my dad. I know that daddy issues are so cliche but that's absolutely what's going on here. While my dad was present and fulfilled our basic needs of food, shelter, etc. he was not emotionally available and he wasn't very protective of me either. Not surprisingly all of the men I have chosen as partners have all been the same. I am used to and feel comfortable with men treating me this way. While it's not healthy, it's what I know. So this could help explain some of my obsessive thoughts about my latest qualifier. At the very least, he was emotionally unavailable and not protective although he claimed he would be at the beginning of our relationship. The best lessons are learned the hard way!

3rd Step Prayer

Thanks to my wonderful meetings, I just heard about this prayer from 'the big book' of Alcoholics Anonymous. I needed to read this, especially tonight:

THE THIRD STEP PRAYER

God, I offer myself to Thee - To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. 
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. 
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness 
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. 
May I do Thy will always!

Copyright © Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

March 19

Because I am so exhausted this evening, I am once again going to post from my daily meditation book, Answers from the Heart:

• MARCH 19 •
All day, where the sunlight played on the seashore, Life sat. — Olive Schreiner
When we let ourselves, we look around and feel a deep sense of respect for life and our part in it. The land — its majesty and sustenance — children, pets, doing something we love: all of these nourish our spirit. It’s important to find the things that nurture our spirit and do them, and it’s important to keep widening the possibilities for awakening our spirit. The excitement that arises from a moment of connection is wonderful to feel. Although the moment can be simple, something we wouldn’t have noticed in the past, we can now feel its reality. The deepest part of us reaches out to something or someone else, and we are connected. Intimacy with life renews life. God, please help me today to say yes to the beauty, people and experiences in my life.

March 18

Here is my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart:

• MARCH 18 •
There are no elements so diverse that they cannot be joined in the heart of an individual. — Jean Giraudoux

We sometimes look too hard, perhaps, for unity and coherence. If we are uncertain, we get upset; if we are inconsistent, we are criticized. So we try to always be constant and predictable. But we are made up from disparate genes and conflicting humors. We may always want to do good, but we all have slips. Our hearts say one thing, our heads another. We change our minds and stop and start. We get confused and battles flare up inside us. That’s called being human. Many forces converge on us, many thoughts arise, many emotions rage. It takes courage to accept our contradictions, our struggles, but we will be stronger if we do. I recognize that I am often divided in myself. I accept that this is part of being human.

The hope of something real

The more I think about this addiction and my recovery, the more I realize how grateful I am that I found this program. It didn't take me long to realize that I have never had a healthy relationship.
But among many other things, one thing this program has given me is hope. Hope for the future, hope for myself, hope for my recovery, and hope that one day I can have a truly healthy partnership that involves mutual respect, honesty, love, and trust. I have been hoping for that for my entire life but now I am actually taking steps to make that happen. Tonight I feel blessed and thankful.

Day #130

Today marks day #130 of no contact with my latest qualifier. I am extremely proud of myself and I feel as if I make progress as each day goes by. Here is an informative article about no contact from loveaddictionhelp.com:

No Contact Rule
Cutting Out the Ex and Moving Forward

Healthy people who experience a relationship break up generally experience universal stages of grief such as anger, sadness, and disappointment. Eventually they come to accept the loss and move forward. 

For love addicts, moving on from a broken relationship literally feels like a dreadful insurmountable ordeal. The agonizing feelings go beyond normal grief— as they are in withdrawal from the love addiction. Accepting the fantasy has crumbled, and moving forward seems unbearable. 

And so it goes-- the only seemingly viable option for a love addict is to run from the pain by creating ANY form of contact with their ex partner no matter how bad the relationship was. This is the sickness of love addiction.  

If you are a love addict going through a break up and are in withdrawal --- it is imperative to realize your healing begins with cutting your drug of choice (your ex) cold turkey - in spite of all the distortions and self-sabotaging voices going on in your mind.

Healing starts with a personal pledge to the No Contact Rule.

If you are in a break up and have love addiction,  cutting complete contact with your ex is a critical prerequisite to your recovery.

MAINTAINING CONTACT- ANY CONTACT WITH YOUR EX- KEEPS YOU STUCK IN A TOXIC JAM- IT GUARANTEES THE PAIN WILL CONTINUE- IT IMMOBILIZES YOU MOVING FORWARD- IT PUTS TO A STAND STILL THE CHANCE FOR YOU TO RECOVER FROM YOUR LOVE ADDICTION.

If you truly want the pain to heal and get back your sanity. you need to STOP acting out your addiction by breaking ANY, and ALL contact with your ex.

The No Contact Rule is a strategy of detaching yourself 100% from your addiction/ ex partner both emotionally and physically--- at all costs.

Look at it this way--- it is like any other addict wanting to break from their addition.

It is equivalent to a drug addict choosing to totally break from their ecstasy, cocaine or heroin- or a recovering alcoholic no longer reaching for a shot of vodka, no longer going to bars or stopping the a local liquor store and doing it for the sake of the addicts sanity, wanting to get back their sense of self.

No Contact for love addicts means no more seeking that swig of the bottle or "hit" of heroin, except when you are addicted to love, your drug is your ex---- and detaching from the addiction with a knowing that if you do, it will always follow a poisonous and unhealthy outcome.

Like a heroin addict, you "hit the pipe" for each and every contact you have with your ex, and keep trapped in your addiction.

No Contact means-- No texting, No calling, No Face booking , No emailing, No twittering, No triangular communication through a friend, No small talk, No nice talk, No how are you, No checking on his/her whereabouts, and No more excuses.

Committing to the No Contact Rule represents no longer choosing the same old destructive pattern-- no more fueling your ex partners wants and needs, while disregarding your own.

NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT, ANY CONTACT, PERIOD.

When your ex partner contacts you
 

If, or better yet when-- your ex partner attempts to open the door by contacting you, urging you to bite for the those tiny little crumbs which you have gobbled up for much-much too long-- you say NO, NO, NO, period!

You must refuse to get hoodwinked with his/her drama, self-pity, charm, charisma, seduction tactics, words or promises only to be hurt again and again. You cannot allow it.

When he/she attempts to call, text or email you --- you must choose NOT to respond or answer. You say NO way, NO more--- STOP. You say it is over. You hang up. You disconnect. You physically leave the scene. You detach. You say Good-bye.

You close the door tight. In fact, you forcefully slam the door shut and dead-bolt it ten times and throw away the keys.

When you keep the connection going contact -- you put yourself in a less than position - you put him/her on a false pedestal making him/her your higher power. Your ex is not a God or Goddess. Knock him/her off that fictitious pedestal.

No Contact is about setting healthy boundaries.

The foundation of the No Contact Rule is about setting healthy boundaries. The purpose of setting boundaries is to define your limits. Setting a healthy boundary signifies taking a stand for you, protecting yourself, and taking care of yourself.

No Contact is a boundary rule and is a critical aspect to your recovery and of freeing yourself from toxic relationship patterns.

No Contact is unequivocal and clear-cut with-- NO loopholes -- NO excuses.

Is applying the No Contact Rule permanent?

Well, if the relationship has been a definite addiction; if it was dysfunctional, toxic, unhealthy, hurtful; if your partner had a pattern of being verbally or physically abusive, disrespectful, manipulating and/or indifferent to your feelings, wants and needs— then absolutely!-- detachment must be permanent.

Moreover, the permanency is especially true if you are sick and tired of the pain of being so dependent on one person-- and truly desire an authentic, fulfilling relationship in your future. * If you have kids with your ex, permanent No Contact is likely not possible when your ex has a relationship with them.

Keeping the addiction going will surely keep you stay stuck in your love addiction and for each and every contact, you immediately go back to square one. Every contact with your ex is equivalent to putting a knife into your chest — then pouring salt on the open wound, it hurts.

Like Love Addiction... No Contact is serious business!

Let's be honest--  No Contact is definitely not easy or painless. Love addiction is bad in many ways. The experience of withdrawing and cutting your ex off is an arduous consequence of having been in an addictive relationship. It feels impossible. It can feel like torture. It can even feel like death.

It is no doubt the most difficult challenge in this beginning stage of recovery. 

Yet, you must be assured, you can and will survive. It pays off in the end. If you act- there is light ahead. All the twisted obsessions, distortions, and confusing thoughts want to convince you that you cannot live without your ex partner; that he/she was your soul mate, the magical one. It is not reality. Do not believe it.

Understand this---all the irrational obsessive thoughts in your head are nothing but your addiction talking. The voices of addiction are always full of deceitfulness, lies, and manipulations.

Get it in your head your ex toxic to you. Your ex is not the answer. Your value, worth and existence is not based on someone else. Do not accept the falsehood that he/she is the answer to your problems- NOT true; never has been.

Discovering to honor who you are as a human being, honoring your personal wants and needs, and learning to love you is the answer to your problems. 

Again, the longer you take the "hits" of contact, the more you feed the fix, and the longer you put your recovery at a complete stand still. So move forward wisely.

The No Contact Rule is a critical step to heal and get past the pain. Adhere to the No Contact Rule with a fighting attitude, and an acknowledgement, that you deserve better and are finished settling for less.

Draw a line in the sand, and declare to yourself, "No More"! And once you do- reach out for support and leap the worthy path of recovery.

Follow up

I am excited to report that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on April 26. I set a reminder on my phone to call today and I am so happy that I followed through. I know it might seem strange but this feels like a weight lifted off my shoulders: I feel as if I am doing everything I can to help myself. The only thing that I haven't done up until now was to see a psychiatrist. I will be looking forward to see what the new doctor has to say about my diagnoses and possible medications.
In other news, my recovery is going very well. I continue to attend meetings nightly, strengthen my relationship with God, read program literature, and work the Steps. I also have added something new to my repertoire: meditation. So far so good, it really helps me to get relaxed and calm myself down. Definitely a good thing!

Psychiatrists

As most of my readers know by now, I struggle with 2 separate addictions. Obviously one is sex and love addiction. The other is food addiction. I have had a really rough time in the past few months with my food addiction, specifically binge eating. I have been trying to get treatment for this through my PCP but she finally told me this evening that she feels that this is out of the scope of her knowledge and referred me to a psychiatrist in my area. I plan on calling them first thing tomorrow morning.
I am excited about this because I have been wanting to get psychiatric treatment for awhile now due to my dual diagnoses and the fact that I want to find my optimal medication regime. I love my PCP but she's right, this isn't her specialty.
I am doing so well with my recovery from sex and love addiction, if I can get a handle on my food addiction, I will feel so much more at peace with myself. I will update as soon as I have something to report. 😊

Progress not perfection

Almost everyday I must remind myself that I am a work in progress. And with each passing day, week, and month telling myself this brings me a sense of comfort that I never thought I would feel again when I was caught up in active addiction.  Not everything I do is perfect nor does it have to be; abstinence and recovery are both messy processes so they should never be expected to be perfect. Sometimes I am impatient with my recovery, some days it seems like time is going so slow. But I know with every fiber of my being that each day I am getting better and stronger and I am learning how to love myself and connect with my Higher Power. I am not engaging in unhealthy relationship patterns or chasing unavailable men. For me, this is such a huge accomplishment.
To that end, I have another milestone to report: today it has been 130 days since I last had sex. This is the longest period of time that I have ever gone without having physical contact with a man. (The longest I had gone before now is 112 days.) I can't convey how proud I am of my celibacy and commitment to my recovery!

This disease

This disease, sex and love addiction, is a pretty difficult one to manage. It can even kill you if you're not careful. That's why I am so thankful to have found the fellowship of SLAA. I know that I have a long way to go before I am able to have truly healthy and intimate relationships. However, I am on the path to that reality and I know I will get there someday. Being in this program has helped me to get to know myself in ways that I never imagined. And I am getting insight and support from people who actually know what I am going through and understand why I have made the decisions I have in my life. I look forward to my continued recovery and participation in this program. I can only imagine how much more my life will continue to be enriched by being a part of such an amazing fellowship. I believed this saying before but I now know without a doubt that it's true: Everything happens for a reason.

March 11

Tonight I will share the daily meditation for recovering sex addicts. This comes from a book that I have titled Answers in the Heart:  Daily Meditations for Men and Women Recovering from Sex Addiction:

True hope is swift, and flies with swallows wings — William Shakespeare

When we read the words “restore us to sanity” in Step Two, we can believe absolutely that somewhere within us, we are sane. Restoration means returning to us what we already possess — wholeness. Through this Step we find the beginnings of reconciliation; we are reconciled with ourselves and our Higher Power, and we have the hope of being reconciled with other people. Working this Step takes patience because it is a process, sometimes a long one. Coming to believe doesn’t mean embracing a body of intellectual beliefs; it means beginning to find faith, which is entirely different from intellectual belief. Before we can have faith, we must have hope. This Step provides that. Like a child, I take one Step at a time. I believe that today my life is being restored to me.

Celibacy

Today I have been voluntarily celibate for 127 days. At first, I thought that I would die without sex, especially missing it with my latest qualifier. While our relationship was toxic, the sex was absolutely mind-blowing for me. Now looking back on it, the toxicity could have contributed to the amazing sex. Regardless, I didn't think I could live without continuing to have sex with him. If not with him, then with someone.
Here is what I have found to be true: Is celibacy difficult to maintain? Yes. Do I miss this act of connection with another human being? Hell yes. Is it as hard now as it was in the beginning? Thank God, no. Does it help my recovery to abstain? Yes.
While it is extremely difficult to remain celibate especially as a sex and love addict, you know what's worse? Having sex with someone who didn't truly care about you and had no problem with making this clear whenever the opportunity presented itself. Putting yourself last time and again in order to make his sexual dreams come true in an attempt to get him to notice how much effort you put into your "relationship". Disregarding your safety by having sex with people whom you don't even know. Losing dignity and respect for yourself by having sex with people who treat you "less than". Being told that you have an STI and you can't pinpoint where it came from due to the number of men you slept with in the past several months. Having to inform current partners of aforementioned STI. Yes, I will take celibacy over any of these other options any day!

Miss Independent

During one of my many running epiphanies, I hatched the most perfect idea: this year I turn 40. Rather than waiting for other people like family, friends, or most especially a MAN to make it special, I have decided to seize the day and make it special for myself. To that end, I have decided to go to the beach and take my son with me. I have narrowed down the time period to be from anytime between now and September. I think that we will both have so much fun and I will be celebrating my 40th birthday with the 2 people in my life that matter most: me and my son! If someone would have told me even 5 years ago that this is where I would be in my life currently, I would have never believed them! Yet here I am! I will never stop believing in myself or having hope for the future again!

Urges

Do you know when I get the strongest urges to act out? On my way home from work after a long and stressful day. (Like today.) Obviously I haven't acted on them otherwise I wouldn't still be sober. And it doesn't happen after every stressful day, just sometimes. I guess that is one of the major hallmarks of an addiction huh? Always looking for something to distract, take the pain away, or take the focus off of. I am glad that I can recognize it for what it is and not feel the compulsion to act on it. One day at a time.

Hormones

I have fantastic news to report: I AM FEELING SO MUCH BETTER TODAY! Because of this, I am pretty sure that the cause of my struggle the past few days was related to hormones. That's comforting to me because that was SCARY to feel that bad.
In other important news: today marks 4 months of sobriety for me. 4 months of celibacy, 4 months of no enmeshment with men who are emotionally unavailable, 4 months of choosing to respect and honor myself rather than give in to urges and cravings that were part of a vicious addiction cycle. I am feeling extremely proud of myself this evening!
Also, I got my hair cut and started a new eating plan today so I am feeling pretty damn spectacular tonight! 😊

Who the F stole my joy?

Whoever took it, I want it back!!! This is day #2 of my misery and the horrible day at work didn't help at all. While I didn't reach out to my qualifier or compromise my recovery, I did binge eat again. Of course. Sigh. So I guess the good news is that I can maintain my sobriety from my sex and love addiction when I am feeling like this. The bad news is that I turn exclusively to food now instead of both food and men. Good for my recovery from sex and love addiction, bad for my weight. Words cannot express how bad I have felt in the past few days. The pain that I have been experiencing has been independent of my sex and love addiction which scares me. This means that I have even more issues to deal with. I am sick and tired of all of this. Over it. Completely.

Black Moods

I have no idea what's going on with me but I have been in a pretty black mood since last night. I thought going back to my regular routine today would help me feel better but I was wrong. I felt increasingly stressed out and overwhelmed at work and by the end of the day, I had enough and missed my Monday night dance class. Then I came home to binge. I didn't jeopardize my recovery by reaching out to my qualifier but I have been thinking of him often. And of course this nice fantasy keeps repeating in my head: if he would have loved me and we were together now, I wouldn't be feeling like this. I can recognize that thought as a fantasy now unlike in the past. And the reality is that if I were with him now, I would be feeling even worse than I currently do. I hope this realization brings me a modicum of comfort this evening because I sure need it!

Sunday

I am really not sure how I am feeling tonight. I had been feeling great all weekend long then my ex came to pick up my son and I am not sure what happened but I started to feel really down. Today was a fast day which I was doing really well with until my son left. Then I abandoned the rest of my plans for the day and had a small binge session. Afterward I felt shameful and frustrated plus I still felt down. Then everything has sort of dissolved into a shit show ever since. Self-pity, sadness, loneliness, missing my qualifier (of course), anger and frustration that I am here alone and feeling crappy when there are so many millions of people out there who are feeling happy and content. Did my son leaving trigger feelings of abandonment? Wtf is going on? I don't get it. Thank God I have a meeting in a few minutes!

Withdrawal

In my meetings, one of the themes that comes up frequently is withdrawal. While I obviously understand the withdrawal process and the characteristics, I am perplexed by one question: exactly how long is withdrawal supposed to last? How long can it last? How do you know when you're out of the withdrawal stage? Today is day #117 of no contact with my latest qualifier and I am pretty sure that I am still in withdrawal. Honestly that kind of shocks me. If I am still in withdrawal after this long, how much longer can it or will it last? I understand that everything takes time and what I have realized is that recovery from sex and love addiction will probably require the most time I have ever put into anything. It's absolutely worth it! With that being said, I think that I just need to stop questioning everything including timelines and try to be more conscious of being in the present. No looking back or forward; just concentrating on the here and now.

Consequences

As part of working Step 1 of the 12 Steps, I have decided to write a consequences inventory. This is simply a list of the consequences that my love/sex addiction has caused me to suffer.

1. Jeopardizing the life of my son and myself.
2. Not being fully present for college classes.
3. Having high credit card balances.
4. Engaging in behaviors that do not match my values.
5. Spending time engaging in activities that I wasn't interested in or agreed with.
6. Lost time with family and friends.
7. Abandoning myself with every single relationship.
8. Being reckless with my sexual health.
9. Engaging in other risky behaviors such as drinking and driving when I was with a qualifier.
10. Never having developed a sense of who I truly am.
11. Never developed healthy boundaries.
12. Have never used healthy dating practices.
13. I objectified other people and allowed them to objectify me.
14. Constantly making a man my Higher Power.
15. Being willing to give up everything dear to me to please a man.

Healthy Relationships

I have spent a great amount of time in the past few days thinking about this topic. And I have come to the most sobering of conclusions: I have never had a healthy relationship in my 22 year history of relationships. While that makes me sad, I also realize that there is nothing that I can do to change the past so I can only work to enjoy the present and make the future the very best that it can be! I have been thinking about the average length of time recommended before talking about sex in any context with a potential partner: at least 30 days or 10 dates. I simply find this shocking because I have never even thought to set any boundaries like this at all. I am very excited to start practicing healthy dating once I feel ready to do so. I also need to work on setting and maintaining boundaries because I have struggled with this a great deal in the past.