Ten Thousand Angels

In 1996, a song was released by the immensely talented country artist, Mindy McCready. (Sadly, Mindy took her own life in 2013.) The title of the song was "Ten Thousand Angels" and describes PERFECTLY what it's like to be in a relationship that you're addicted to with your own personal version of "heroin". I want to share the lyrics here this evening.
Rest in peace, Mindy.

Speaking of the devil
Look who just walked in
He knows just where to find me
Here we go again

I can tell he's gonna ask me to dance
But that's not as far as he wants to go
I need ten thousand angels to help me tell him no

Lead me not into temptation
Heaven help me to be strong
I can fight all that I'm feeling
But I can't do it alone

Help me break this spell that I'm under
Guide my feet and hold me tight
I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight

It's time to face my weakness
Look him in the eye
Lord knows it won't be easy
But I've just gotta try

I can let myself get lost in his arms
That's how I got my heart broke before
I need ten thousand angels to walk me out the door

Lead me not into temptation
Heaven help me to be strong
I can fight all that I'm feeling
But I can't do it alone

Help me break this spell that I'm under
Guide my feet and hold me tight
I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight

I need ten thousand angels watching over me tonight
Ten thousand angels, watching over me tonight
Ten thousand angels, watching over me tonight
Watching over me tonight

Songwriters: Billy Henderson / Steven Jones

Ten Thousand Angels lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Mdi Music Admin & Consultation

My Bottom Lines

I have decided to detail some of my bottom lines in my entry this evening. (It has taken me months to even set them! Lol)

My Bottom Lines

1. I will not communicate with any previous qualifiers.
2. I will not cyber stalk any previous qualifiers.
3. I will not have unprotected sex.
4. I will not have sex outside of a committed, monogamous relationship.
5. I will wait for a reasonable amount of time before having sex with someone new.
6. I will not have sex if I don't want to.
7. I will not pursue unhealthy or unavailable men.
8. I will not abandon my values, morals, beliefs, or hobbies in order to please another.
9. I will not set any more examples of unhealthy relationships to my son.
10. I will love myself first and foremost before I attempt to love another man.
11. I will not masturbate.

Living anxiety free

When I was actively acting out in my addiction, my anxiety was through the roof on a daily basis. Although I have a tendency to idealize relationships after they are over, I should have remembered that the one with my most recent qualifier was horrible almost from the beginning. But because of euphoric recall, I had forgotten that knowledge. Yesterday, a conversation came up in my Timehop from a year ago that gave me positive confirmation of this fact.
I was talking with a close friend, asking how she was. She asked how I was and I said not good, my anxiety was through the roof because I had just started talking to a new relationship prospect. I met my most recent qualifier on June 18 and by June 27, I was riddled with anxiety. While I miss the physical relationship and touch of a man, I do not in any way, shape, or form miss that level of anxiety and I thank God everyday that it's out of my life. Never again will I go back! One day at a time...

June 27

• JUNE 27 •
A natural pleasure is one thing; an unnatural pleasure, forced upon the satiated mind, is quite another. — Thomas Merton

All around us we come in contact with advertising, movies, music, music videos, TV, books, and magazines that use sex to sell a lifestyle or a product. The news is full of stories about pornography and child molestation; our instincts tell us this is sex addiction, although the news never explains it that way. How do we keep ourselves and our recovery safe in a world where sex addiction is called every name but that? How do we maintain our reality in the midst of society’s denial? How do we stay abstinent when our culture often encourages us to act out? We must be fiercely protective of our recovery and rigorously honest. We are responsible for knowing what triggers our addiction and for staying away from persons, places, and things that might do that. We do not have to worry about educating the world or trying to change it. We have chosen to live another way, safe within our spirituality and our program of recovery.

God, please help me detach from the world’s preoccupation with sex, and help me stay true to my abstinence.

Patience

Historically I have been an extremely impatient person. I am the one who gets irritated by the slow driver, long train, or long lines at the grocery store. I realized that this is one of my character defects, something that I certainly need to work on. I found an article online detailing the many advantages of being a patient person. Recently, I have made so many positive changes in my life, I am going to add developing patience to that list of positive changes. This article is from the Greater Good magazine distributed by UC Berkeley:

Four Reasons to Cultivate Patience

Good things really do come to those who wait.

BY KIRA M. NEWMAN | APRIL 4, 2016

As virtues go, patience is a quiet one.

It’s often exhibited behind closed doors, not on a public stage: A father telling a third bedtime story to his son, a dancer waiting for her injury to heal. In public, it’s the impatient ones who grab all our attention: drivers honking in traffic, grumbling customers in slow-moving lines. We have epic movies exalting the virtues of courage and compassion, but a movie about patience might be a bit of a snoozer.
Yet patience is essential to daily life—and might be key to a happy one. Having patience means being able to wait calmly in the face of frustration or adversity, so anywhere there is frustration or adversity—i.e., nearly everywhere—we have the opportunity to practice it. At home with our kids, at work with our colleagues, at the grocery store with half our city’s population, patience can make the difference between annoyance and equanimity, between worry and tranquility.

Religions and philosophers have long praised the virtue of patience; now researchers are starting to do so as well. Recent studies have found that, sure enough, good things really do come to those who wait. Some of these science-backed benefits are detailed below, along with three ways to cultivate more patience in your life.

1. Patient people enjoy better mental health

This finding is probably easy to believe if you call to mind the stereotypical impatient person: face red, head steaming. And sure enough, according to a 2007 study by Fuller Theological Seminary professor Sarah A. Schnitker and UC Davis psychology professor Robert Emmons, patient people tend to experience less depression and negative emotions, perhaps because they can cope better with upsetting or stressful situations. They also rate themselves as more mindful and feel more gratitude, more connection to mankind and to the universe, and a greater sense of abundance.
In 2012, Schnitker sought to refine our understanding of patience, recognizing that it comes in many different stripes. One type is interpersonal patience, which doesn’t involve waiting but simply facing annoying people with equanimity. In a study of nearly 400 undergraduates, she found that those who are more patient toward others also tend to be more hopeful and more satisfied with their lives.
Another type of patience involves waiting out life’s hardships without frustration or despair—think of the unemployed person who persistently fills out job applications or the cancer patient waiting for her treatment to work. Unsurprisingly, in Schnitker’s study, this type of courageous patience was linked to more hope.
Finally, patience over daily hassles—traffic jams, long lines at the grocery store, a malfunctioning computer—seems to go along with good mental health. In particular, people who have this type of patience are more satisfied with life and less depressed.
These studies are good news for people who are already patient, but what about those of us who want to become more patient? In her 2012 study, Schnitker invited 71 undergraduates to participate in two weeks of patience training, where they learned to identify feelings and their triggers, regulate their emotions, empathize with others, and meditate. In two weeks, participants reported feeling more patient toward the trying people in their lives, feeling less depressed, and experiencing higher levels of positive emotions. In other words, patience seems to be a skill you can practice—more on that below—and doing so might bring benefits to your mental health.

2. Patient people are better friends and neighbors

In relationships with others, patience becomes a form of kindness. Think of the best friend who comforts you night after night over the heartache that just won’t go away, or the grandchild who smiles through the story she has heard her grandfather tell countless times. Indeed, research suggests that patient people tend to be more cooperative, more empathic, more equitable, and more forgiving. “Patience involves emphatically assuming some personal discomfort to alleviate the suffering of those around us,” write Debra R. Comer and Leslie E. Sekerka in their 2014 study.
Evidence of this is found in a 2008 studythat put participants into groups of four and asked them to contribute money to a common pot, which would be doubled and redistributed. The game gave players a financial incentive to be stingy, yet patient people contributed more to the pot than other players did.
This kind of selflessness is found among people with all three types of patience mentioned above, not just interpersonal patience: In Schnitker’s 2012 study, all three were associated with higher “agreeableness,” a personality traitcharacterized by warmth, kindness, and cooperation. The interpersonally patient people even tended to be less lonely, perhaps because making and keeping friends—with all their quirks and slip-ups—generally requires a healthy dose of patience. “Patience may enable individuals to tolerate flaws in others, therefore displaying more generosity, compassion, mercy, and forgiveness,” write Schnitker and Emmons in their 2007 study.
On a group level, patience may be one of the foundations of civil society. Patient people are more likely to vote, an activity that entails waiting months or years for our elected official to implement better policies. Evolutionary theorists believe that patience helped our ancestors survivebecause it allowed them to do good deeds and wait for others to reciprocate, instead of demanding immediate compensation (which would more likely lead to conflict than cooperation). In that same vein, patience is linked to trust in the people and the institutions around us.

3. Patience helps us achieve our goals

The road to achievement is a long one, and those without patience—who want to see results immediately—may not be willing to walk it. Think of the recent critiques of millennials for being unwilling to “pay their dues” in an entry-level job, jumping from position to position rather than growing and learning.

In her 2012 study, Schnitker also examined whether patience helps students get things done. In five surveys they completed over the course of a semester, patient people of all stripes reported exerting more effort toward their goals than other people did. Those with interpersonal patience in particular made more progress toward their goals and were more satisfied when they achieved them (particularly if those goals were difficult) compared with less patient people. According to Schnitker’s analysis, that greater satisfaction with achieving their goals explained why these patient achievers were more content with their lives as a whole. 

4. Patience is linked to good health

The study of patience is still new, but there’s some emerging evidence that it might even be good for our health. In their 2007 study, Schnitker and Emmons found that patient people were less likely to report health problems like headaches, acne flair-ups, ulcers, diarrhea, and pneumonia. Other research has found that people who exhibit impatience and irritability—a characteristic of the Type A personality—tend to have more health complaints and worse sleep. If patience can reduce our daily stress, it’s reasonable to speculate that it could also protect us against stress’s damaging health effects.

Three ways to cultivate patience

This is all good news for the naturally patient—or for those who have the time and opportunity to take an intensive two-week training in patience. But what about the rest of us?
It seems there are everyday ways to build patience as well. Here are some strategies suggested by emerging patience research.

Reframe the situation. Feeling impatient is not just an automatic emotional response; it involves conscious thoughts and beliefs, too. If a colleague is late to a meeting, you can fume about their lack of respect, or see those extra 15 minutes as an opportunity to get some reading done. Patience is linked to self-control, and consciously trying to regulate our emotions can help us train our self-control muscles.

Practice mindfulness. In one study, kids who did a six-month mindfulness program in school became less impulsive and more willing to wait for a reward. The GGSC’s Christine Carter also recommends mindfulness practice for parents: Taking a deep breath and noticing your feelings of anger or overwhelm (for example, when your kids start yet another argument right before bedtime) can help you respond with more patience.

Practice gratitude. In another study, adults who were feeling grateful were also better at patiently delaying gratification. When given the choice between getting an immediate cash reward or waiting a year for a larger ($100) windfall, less grateful people caved in once the immediate payment offer climbed to $18. Grateful people, however, could hold out until the amount reached $30. If we’re thankful for what we have today, we’re not desperate for more stuff or better circumstances immediately.

We can try to shelter ourselves from frustration and adversity, but they come with the territory of being human. Practicing patience in everyday situations—like with our punctuality-challenged coworker—will not only make life more pleasant in the present, but might also help pave the way for a more satisfying and successful future.

Rushing Intimacy

I have been thinking a lot about the tendency of myself and men I have been involved with to rush intimacy. There is always a reason why someone chooses to do this and it's always based on an unhealthy reason. For example, I did it because I wanted acceptance from my partner. I thought if I could make my sexual prowess apparent from the very beginning, I would endear myself to them because I was so special. Not surprisingly, this tactic was never successful. By doing this, I cheapened the intimacy that I gave to others and simply had superficial liaisons. Life is too short for that type of nonsense.
In regards to some of the men I was entangled with, I have read that those with personality disorders force a false sense of intimacy to "get you hooked" quicker. In the case of my most recent qualifier, this was certainly the case. It's disturbing how quickly and fast that I fell for it. And I know that I am not the only person who falls so quickly for all of these pretty words and flattering attention. I am just extremely blessed that my eyes were opened before I wasted one more precious second of my life.

Day #230 of Sobriety

Today I am ecstatic to report that I have made it to 230 days of sobriety! Also, I am on day #233 of celibacy. I truly can't believe nor would I ever have imagined that things in my life would become so crystal clear to me in the past 230 days. The more time passes since I last acted out the more I seem to learn. Suffice it to say, I will be eternally grateful that my most recent qualifier dumped me and I ended up finding this program and myself.
One thing I have realized during my recovery is that no matter how much sex I have had in my life, I have never been truly intimate with another. Before I ever get involved with someone else, I need to work on developing vulnerability but also not letting myself get caught up in pretty words and physical attraction. With that being said, I wanted to share my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because it fits perfectly with my post tonight.

• JUNE 24 •
A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind. — David Garrick

Anonymous or loveless sexual encounters left most of us untouched by any genuine human warmth. We came away from them not enriched but impoverished, and gradually our lives became grey and cold and hopeless. Sex can be lonely, scary, and sad if it isn’t enfolded in affection. We would become vulnerable if we gave ourselves without love. We could even become heartless and cruel, seeking our own pleasure and satisfaction at the expense of other people. Our partners would not be partners at all, just objects. Feeling for others, sympathy, affection, empathy — these are the human emotions we need to cultivate alongside our sexuality. And we learn to do this in our program. Sex needs to be encompassed by feelings of caring and tenderness; we need to be held and looked at and loved in order to feel secure. Sex can be frightening, but love contains and banishes fear.

I want to be kind and loving and relate to people with my whole self.

Validating oneself

As all of you know, I have been working on establishing higher self-esteem and self-worth. Something that helps that develop is creating a strong sense of inner validation. If a person can manage to do this effectively, they can be their own cheerleader, never "needing" anyone else because they always have themselves. In my opinion, validating yourself is another way to build self-dignity and self-respect as well. I found an article on internal validation on tinybuddha.com:

5 Ways to Validate Yourself: Be Part of Your Support System

By Lori Deschene

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay
We all have techniques we depend on to lift our spirits when we're feeling down about ourselves or our lives.
A while back I realized something about the ones I’d found most effective when struggling to forgive or accept myself: Many of them involved seeking validation from other people.
Some of my most effective mood-boosters included:

Reading emails from readers who’d benefitted from my writing

Calling loved ones and reminding myself of how much they valued me

Sharing my experiences and recognizing, through the resultant conversations, that I wasn’t alone with my feelings and struggles

These are all perfectly valid approaches to feeling better, but they all hinge on praise and external support.
Getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves.
With this in mind, I’ve come up with a few ideas to create a little more balance in my support system, making myself a more central part of it.
If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing so you can depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful: 

1. Make a “you” section in your daily gratitude journal.

Of course, this assumes you already keep a gratitude journal to recognize and celebrate all the good things in your day. If you don’t, you can still take a few minutes every day to give yourself some credit.
Note down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be.
When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most.

2. Before seeking external validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself.

Odds are, you aren’t always looking for someone’s advice or opinion when you come to them with a painful story. You’re looking for them to confirm you didn’t do anything wrong—or if you did, that you’re not a bad person for it.
Essentially, you’re looking for someone else to see the best in you and believe in you. Give yourself what you’re seeking from them before making that call. Then by all means, make it if you want to.
The goal isn’t to stop reaching out to others. It’s to be there for yourself.
The words you want to hear from someone else will be far more powerful if you fully believe what they’re saying.

3. Recognize when you’re judging your feelings.

If you’re in the habit of feeling bad about feeling down or insecure, or generally having emotional reactions to emotions, you will inevitably end up feeling stuck and helpless.
Get in the habit of telling yourself, “I have a right to feel how I feel.” This will help you understand your feelings and work through them much more easily, because you won’t be so deeply embedded in negativity about yourself.
Once you’ve accepted your feelings, you’ll then be free to seek support for the actual problem—not your self-judgment about having to deal with it.

4. See yourself as the parent to the child version of you.

I know this one might sound odd—bear with me! Many of us didn’t receive the type of love, support, and kindness we needed growing up, and this may have taught us to treat ourselves harshly and critically.
When you’re looking for that warm, fuzzy feeling that emerges when someone you trust tells you, “Everything is going to be okay,” imagine yourself saying it to your younger self.
Picture that little kid who tried so hard, meant no harm, and just wanted to be loved and cherished. This will likely help in deflating your self-criticism and fill you a genuine sense of compassion for yourself.
Once again, this doesn’t need to be an alternative to seeking compassion from others; it just provides a secure foundation from which you’ll be better able to receive that.

5. Get in the habit of asking yourself, “What do I need right now?”

Oftentimes, when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves.
If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced?
You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energized, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself.
This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously.
One more thing has helped me tremendously in validating myself: accepting that it's okay to need reminders like these. There was a time when I saw this as something shameful—an indication that other people who seemed self-assured were somehow better than me.
I wondered why self-kindness didn't always come instinctively. But when I stopped judging myself, I remembered all the experiences that helped shape my critical inner voice. It wasn't a sign of weakness that I needed to put in some effort; it was a sign of strength that I was willing to do it.
It's one of life's great ironies, that it feels so natural to feel bad about feeling bad. All this does is keep us stuck. When we stop blaming ourselves for having room to grow, we're free to focus our energy on doing it.

Highly Sensitive People

While I realize that this is a little off topic, I just read this great article on HuffPost.com and had to share. I am a highly sensitive person and the following list describes me to a T. Some of these characteristics went along with my love addiction and overwhelming need to seek external validation.

WELLNESS

16 Habits Of Highly Sensitive People

By Amanda L. Chan

02/26/2014 08:46 AM ET

|

Updated Dec 06, 2017

Do you feel like you reflect on things more than everyone else? Do you find yourself worrying about how other people feel? Do you prefer quieter, less chaotic environments?
If the above sound true to you, you may be highly sensitive. The personality trait — which was first researched by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D., in the early 1990s — is relatively common, with as many as one in five people possessing it. Aron, who has written multiple studies and books on high sensitivity, including The Highly Sensitive Person, also developed a self-test (which you can take here) to help you determine if you are highly sensitive.
While recent interest in introversion — driven largely by high-profile publications on the subject, including Susan Cain’s book “Quiet,” — has brought more awareness to personality traits that value less stimulation and higher sensitivity, Aron notes that highly sensitive people still tend to be considered the “minority.”
But “minority” doesn’t mean bad — in fact, being highly sensitive carries a multitude of positive characteristics. Read on for some of the commonalities shared by highly sensitive people.
1. They feel more deeply.
One of the hallmark characteristics of highly sensitive people is the ability to feel more deeply than their less-sensitive peers. “They like to process things on a deep level,” Ted Zeff, Ph.D., author of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guideand other books on highly sensitive people, tells HuffPost. “They’re very intuitive, and go very deep inside to try to figure things out.”
2. They’re more emotionally reactive.
People who are highly sensitive will react more in a situation. For instance, they will have more empathy and feel more concern for a friend’s problems, according to Aron. They may also have more concern about how another person may be reacting in the face of a negative event.
3. They’re probably used to hearing, “Don’t take things so personally” and “Why are you so sensitive?”
Depending on the culture, sensitivity can be perceived as an asset or a negative trait, Zeff explains. In some of his own research, Zeff says that highly sensitive men he interviewed from other countries — such as Thailand and India — were rarely or never teased, while highly sensitive men he interviewed from North America were frequently or always teased. “So a lot of it is very cultural — the same person who is told, ‘Oh, you’re too sensitive,’ in certain cultures, it’s considered an asset,” he says.
4. They prefer to exercise solo.
Highly sensitive people may tend to avoid team sports, where there’s a sense that everyone is watching their every move, Zeff says. In his research, the majority of highly sensitive people he interviewed preferred individual sports, like bicycling, running and hiking, to group sports. However, this is not a blanket rule — there are some highly sensitive people who may have had parents who provided an understanding and supportive environment that would make it easier for them to participate in group sports, Zeff says.
5. It takes longer for them to make decisions.
Highly sensitive people are more aware of subtleties and details that could make decisions harder to make, Aron says. Even if there is no “right” or “wrong” decision — for example, it’s impossible to choose a “wrong” flavor of ice cream — highly sensitive people will still tend to take longer to choose because they are weighing every possible outcome. Aron’s advice for dealing with this: “Take as long to decide as the situation permits, and ask for more time if you need it and can take it,” she writes in a recent issue of her Comfort Zone newsletter. “During this time, try pretending for a minute, hour, day, or even week that you have made up your mind a certain way. How does that feel? Often, on the other side of a decision things look different, and this gives you a chance to imagine more vividly that you are already there.” One exception: Once a highly sensitive person has come to the conclusion of what is the right decision to make and what is the wrong decision to make in a certain situation, he or she will be quick to make that “right” decision again in the future.
6. And on that note, they are more upset if they make a “bad” or “wrong” decision.
You know that uncomfortable feeling you get after you realize you’ve made a bad decision? For highly sensitive people, “that emotion is amplified because the emotional reactivity is higher,” Aron explains.
7. They’re extremely detail-oriented.
Highly sensitive people are the first ones to notice the details in a room, the new shoes that you’re wearing, or a change in weather.
8. Not all highly sensitive people are introverts.
In fact, about 30 percent of highly sensitive people are extroverts, according to Aron. She explains that many times, highly sensitive people who are also extroverts grew up in a close-knit community — whether it be a cul-de-sac, small town, or with a parent who worked as a minister or rabbi — and thus would interact with a lot of people.
9. They work well in team environments.
Because highly sensitive people are such deep thinkers, they make valuable workers and members of teams, Aron says. However, they may be well-suited for positions in teams where they don’t have to make the final decision. For instance, if a highly sensitive person was part of a medical team, he or she would be valuable in analyzing the pros and cons of a patient having surgery, while someone else would ultimately make the decision about whether that patient would receive the surgery.
10. They’re more prone to anxiety or depression (but only if they’ve had a lot of past negative experiences).
“If you’ve had a fair number of bad experiences, especially early in life, so you don’t feel safe in the world or you don’t feel secure at home or ... at school, your nervous system is set to ‘anxious,’” Aron says. But that’s not to say that all highly sensitive people will go on to have anxiety — and in fact, having a supportive environment can go a long way to protecting against this. Parents of highly sensitive children, in particular, need to “realize these are really great kids, but they need to be handled in the right way,” Aron says. “You can’t over-protect them, but you can’t under-protect them, either. You have to titrate that just right when they’re young so they can feel confident and they can do fine.”
11. That annoying sound is probably significantly more annoying to a highly sensitive person.
While it’s hard to say anyone is a fan of annoying noises, highly sensitive people are on a whole more, well, sensitive to chaos and noise. That’s because they tend to be more easily overwhelmed and overstimulated by too much activity, Aron says.
12. Violent movies are the worst.
Because highly sensitive people are so high in empathy and more easily overstimulated, movies with violence or horror themes may not be their cup of tea, Aron says.
13. They cry more easily.
That’s why it’s important for highly sensitive people to put themselves in situations where they won’t be made to feel embarrassed or “wrong” for crying easily, Zeff says. If their friends and family realize that that’s just how they are — that they cry easily — and support that form of expression, then “crying easily” will not be seen as something shameful.
14. They have above-average manners.
Highly sensitive people are also highly conscientious people, Aron says. Because of this, they’re more likely to be considerate and exhibit good manners — and are also more likely to notice when someone else isn’t being conscientious. For instance, highly sensitive people may be more aware of where their cart is at the grocery store — not because they’re afraid someone will steal something out of it, but because they don’t want to be rude and have their cart blocking another person’s way.
15. The effects of criticism are especially amplified in highly sensitive people.
Highly sensitive people have reactions to criticism that are more intense than less sensitive people. As a result, they may employ certain tactics to avoid said criticism, including people-pleasing (so that there is no longer anything to criticize), criticizing themselves first, and avoiding the source of the criticism altogether, according to Aron.
“People can say something negative, [and] a non-HSP [highly sensitive person] can say, ‘Whatever,’ and it doesn’t affect them,” Zeff says. “But a HSP would feel it much more deeply.”
16. Cubicles = good. Open-office plans = bad.
Just like highly sensitive people tend to prefer solo workouts, they may also prefer solo work environments. Zeff says that many highly sensitive people enjoy working from home or being self-employed because they can control the stimuli in their work environments. For those without the luxury of creating their own flexible work schedules (and environments), Zeff notes that highly sensitive people might enjoy working in a cubicle — where they have more privacy and less noise — than in an open-office plan.

June 21

Happy Summer Solstice! I wanted to share my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because I have had a former romantic interest recently contact me. I did not respond to him because I have choices and the choice to reestablish communication with him would not be a healthy one for me.

• JUNE 21 •
It is not only for an exterior show or ostentation that our soul must play her part, but inwardly within ourselves, where no eyes shine but ours. — Montaigne

One of the first things we learn in recovery is that we have choices. This can be a startling realization, for as sex addicts we gave our lives over to the comforting delusion that we had no choices, that we were victims of life. We face many choices during the day. In fact, everything we do is a choice. We may think the small choices — what to wear, what to eat, whether to have coffee or tea, whether to go to a meeting — are unimportant, but together they make up the fabric of our lives. It is those choices, made one at a time, that we lean on when we have to make big choices. And our ability to be abstinent, the most important choice of all, is determined by the small choices we’ve made out of love for ourselves and commitment to our recovery. We can be grateful that recovery has restored to us the power of choice.

I may be powerless over my addiction, but I’m not helpless. I can make choices.

Unexpected Blessings

This evening, I was on the phone with a friend who has just gone through a particularly bad breakup. Part of the reason it has been so bad is the fact that her ex is narcissistic. As she has spent the past 2 days describing her relationship and the qualities of her ex, I have tried to assist her by using my professional experiences as well as personal struggles with sex and love addiction to illustrate my points.
As I was describing my most recent relationship to her and the traits of my most recent qualifier, I heard my relationship as if I were a third party observer. And oh my God, was it ever an eye opener?! Matter of fact, if a friend of mine had a relationship like the one I had last year, I would encourage them to run like hell as fast as they could. My friend is heartbroken because her ex treated her like my latest Q treated me and that was the advice I gave her as well. Give up, accept it, be grateful you are rid of the toxic entanglement, and never look back.
I truly feel as if God saved my life by helping me to get out of that trainwreck/shit show. Reflecting back on the relationship now, I can clearly see all of the red flags. Also, I cringe at how I let my ex treat me and how quickly I bent over backwards for him when I didn't even know the guy! Yet again, God has saved me from the Devil!!!

Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person

In addition to working the 12 steps of both SLAA and OA, I also plan to start taking the necessary steps to love myself. To that end, I have purchased and started to read the book Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person. I know that many of my issues have stemmed from the fact that I did not love myself therefore I allowed others to treat me any way they liked. Obviously I have been aware of this issue for quite some time however it has only been recently that I have felt both confident and competent in changing this harmful behavior and learning to love myself. In the past 7.5 months of recovery, I have started to get to know myself quite well without any outside distractions and I have found that I am a pretty awesome person. I enjoy my own company which is huge for me! I look forward to further strengthening my relationship with myself in the years to come.

Healthy Relationships

I found this posted on the University of Washington's website.  This information is helpful for everyone to know.

Healthy Relationships

MENU
All healthy relationships – whether they are friendship, roommate or romantic – have similar characteristics. Consider the following list when thinking about your own relationships.

Qualities in a good relationship

While everyone has to decide for themselves what they want in a relationship and what defines a good relationship, here are some qualities to consider.
Both people:

Treat each other with respect

Feel secure and comfortable

Are not violent with each other

Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily

Enjoy the time you spend together

Support one another

Take interest in each other’s lives: school, clubs, friends family, work, etc.

Have privacy in the relationship

Can trust each other

Are each sexual by choice

Communicate clearly and openly

Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own

Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs

Encourage other friendships

Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate

Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship

Have more good times in the relationship than bad

Respect, Honesty, Trust & Communication

Respect
Learning about and valuing what is important to each other.
Honesty
Being candid about thoughts, feelings, and the desired direction of the relationship will allow both you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and the relationship.
Trust
Over time, trusting your partner will be necessary for a healthy relationship, but in the beginning trust is not automatic – it has to be earned. Always trust yourself to be who you are and to look out for your well-being. It is important to remember that trust is hard to earn but easy to destroy.
Communication
Communication is equal parts listening and speaking. When you and your partner are communicating, try to make them feel justified in their emotions. Repeat what is said as you understand it and ask if you understand the situation correctly. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Be as clear and direct as possible.

Unhealthy Relationships

Sometimes it’s not so easy to decide if a troublesome tie should be maintained the way it is, worked on, or ended before it goes any further. One thing to consider is if the relationship was ever different than it is now. Is there something stressful happening that could be impacting the way you interact? Maybe money is tight, you’ve moved, you are looking for work, are dealing with a difficult family circumstance, or are going through some other kind of transition. Or maybe there are problems from a while back that were never resolved, and are now resurfacing. What in particular is bothering you, and what would you like to see change? Talk over these questions with each other, or with someone you trust, like a friend, parent, or counselor. Think about what, if anything, you can each do to make the other feel more comfortable in the relationship.

Aspects of an unhealthy relationship

One or both partners:

Try to control or manipulate the other

Make the other feel bad about themselves

Ridicule or call names

Dictate how the other dresses

Do not make time for each other

Criticize the other’s friends

Are afraid of the other’s temper

Discourage the other from being close with anyone else

Ignore each other when one is speaking

Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior

Criticize or support others in criticizing people by their gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attributes

Control the other’s money or resources (e.g., car)

Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value

Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects

Use physical force or threats against the other

Blackmail the other from leaving the relationship

SLAA and OA

Today I made the decision to start working the Overeaters Anonymous program as well as my Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous program. For the past several months, I was frustrated that I qualify for several 12 step programs. While I don't have the time I wish I had to devote to all of the programs I qualify for, I will MAKE the time to work the programs of my 2 addictions. These addictions have ruled my life but I am done letting them do so. This is my year and I will not give up until I meet ALL of my goals, both professional and personal!

One Year

It has been 1 year tomorrow since I met my latest qualifier. It would be a lie to say that I haven't struggled but it would also be a lie to say that I haven't identified the positive things that I have gotten out of the "relationship" during the past 7 and a half months in recovery! For example, I have truly found myself. I have identified all of the ways in which I have abandoned myself in order to "be loved" by another. I have gotten re-engaged in my hobbies again, which has been most welcome. Most importantly, I have re-established and strengthened my relationships with my family/friends most especially with my son. This has been more important to me than anything else. I am truly blessed and grateful. Here's to another year of being true to myself!! ♥️

Help with obsessions

I found an interesting article about overcoming romantic obsessions on the website whatiscodependency.com. Here is a very helpful snippet which contains a useful list:

Tips for Dealing with Obsessions

The best way to end an obsession is to “lose our mind and come to our senses!” It follows that if an obsession is to avoid feeling, getting in touch with feelings and allowing them to flow will help dissolve our obsession. If our obsession helps us avoid taking action, we can get support to face our fears and act. When our obsessions are irrational and allowing our feelings doesn’t dispel them, it can be helpful to reason them out with a friend or therapist.

Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and wait patiently until you know.

Learn to meditate to quiet your mind.

Do slow movement to evocative music, and allow yourself to feel.

Write about your feelings (ideally with your non-dominant hand) and read it to someone.

Share at a CoDA or Al-Anon meeting.

Spend time in nature.

Read spiritual literature and/or attend spiritual/religious gatherings. (Beware that religion and spirituality can become obsessions, too)

If you’re obsessed with a person, get “14 Tips for Letting Go” at www.whatiscodependency.com.

Put your energy into expanding your social network.

Do something creative.

Develop interests and passions that feed, inspire, and nurture you.

Do what you enjoy. Don’t wait for someone to join you.

If you’re obsessing over a broken relationship, here’s a list of things to do and think about.

Do the exercises in Codependency for Dummies, especially Chapter 9 on nonattachment, and the exercises inConquering Shame and Codependency.

Self-Care for Love Addicts

I found this article on loveaddictionhelp.com. This was definitely something I needed to read today:

28 Crucial Self-Care Acts for Recovering
Love Addicts

For many people, the concept of self-care can feel like foreign territory. And yet, self-care is a key component to a healthful life and relationship happiness. The issue of Self-Care in love and relationship addiction is enormous-- and is one of the primary core issues for love addicts.
Self-care is a practice or act of nurturing and caring for oneself, by consciously making choices that contribute to one's health and well-being. The act of caring for oneself is about being mindful of personal needs and wants, and taking the steps to meet them.

Love addicts have major impairments with self-care--particularly when entangled in a romantic (addictive) relationship with someone who is critical, cold, or emotionally unavailable.

For a love addict, the lack of self-care can show up in many ways- here are a few examples:

Not setting functional boundaries (communicating to another what is okay or not okay).

Making choices and/or behaving in ways that go against personal values/beliefs.

Abandoning, minimizing, or devaluing your own needs and wants.

Trying to gain self-worth ("I matter") through a person/relationship.

Enduring a relationship where loneliness and pain are the norm.

Allowing a partners identity to become your own identity.

Taking responsibility/blame for matters with which, you are not responsible.

Declaring "love" for someone you have only known a short period of time.

Trying to “earn” a persons approval of you.

Tolerating uncaring, disrespectful, or abusive behaviors; and justifying such behaviors.

Disengaging from friends/family; abandoning goals, interests, activities, etc. while in a relationship.

Staying in a relationship with a person unable or unwilling to commit.

Expecting yourself to be perfect partner who never makes mistakes.

The issue of Self-Care in love and relationship addiction is enormous and it is one of the primary core issues for love addicts.

Self care is critical to self-protection (think boundaries). Self-care is critical to gettting our needs and wants met in relationships. Self-care is critical to experiencing joy and contentment in life. Self-care is about having a compassionate and loving relationship with "self". With appropriate self-care, we look after ourselves, like we would a cherished loved one. We choose behaviors that breeds peace, satisfaction, and self-preservation in our lives.
When self-care is scarce, needs and wants are rarely or minimally met; and life is much less gratifying. With the lack of self-care ... We yearn... We crave... We ache... We get 'stuck'... We fall apart... We even “feel crazy”.
When we lack a healthy loving relationship with ourself and our self-care tank is deficient-- then we go into relationships and lack the ability to attend to our needs and wants, and our own well-being.
Love addicts and codependents are great at taking care of others, not so great doing the same for themselves. In relationships, while in the midst ofturning away from the 'self', the love addict will turn towards their partner with laser focus and care only about making him or her happy and getting his/her needs met... this is "other care" only, and is dysfuntional.

Self-Care is analogous to taking your car to a carwash, filling your
tank, having your oiled changed, & rotating your tires.

Part of the recovery work with love addiction, is in the work of fine-tuning and building self-care muscles. If you have a pattern of toxic relationships, then it is perhaps time for you to begin strengthening your self-care muscles. The following are 27 important self-care acts to help you start building your self-care muscles.

28 Crucial Self-Care Acts for the Love Addict 

Never put anyone on a pedestal, above yourself-- where no one belongs.

If it feels wrong, don’t do it.

Trust your instincts, always.

Stop feeling you should be ‘nice’ to everyone -- only be nice to/respect those who are nice back.

Stop taking responsibility for any adults feelings, behaviors, or choices- they're not yours, you're not responsible, they are.

Say NO to anything of which you are not sure.

Say YES only to that of which you are sure.

Never give up engaging in your own interests, goals, or passions-- for "love", or anyone.

Engage yourself in meaningful relationships with people who are non-toxic… who are trustworthy; treat you with respect, kindness, and warm regard- ttreatment that you deserve.

‘Let go’ of that which you have no control... Accept that of which you do have control.

Don’t be a people-pleaser-- it is not your in your job description.

Never shame, devalue, or speak negative of yourself-- NO MATTER WHAT.

Never violate your values-- consistently exercise your values, instead of just professing them.

Stay away from negativity and relationships fraught with drama.

Honor all your needs and wants, especially in relationships.

Never listen to anyone who tells you how you “should” think, feel, believe, or act in your own life.

Never tolerate any person who by word or deed, implies that you are worthless or inadequate -- NOT ANYONE!

Never try to “earn” someone’s love or approval. You are not a slave. Who you are, is enough!

Always be kind, gentle, compassionate to yourself— in every matter and experience life.

Stop blaming other/'s for where you're at with your love addiction- You are not a victim (there is zero power in being a victim)- Take responsibility, own it, - you did the best you could...  now go forward and learn from it, grow.

Tell yourself five things you are grateful for (big or small) — make a daily habit of it. "I will practice gratitude to retrieve gladness”.

Allow others to be who they are (feel, do, act)-- it is their right. Simultaneously, accept that what you observe, IS who they are.

Stop pursuing perfection, it will destroy you-- Do what you can, with what you have, where you are, as you are; this my friend, is enough.

Take five minutes for yourself, every day, to relax, and to connect with yourself and focus on validating/affirming yourself. “I am worthy” and “I love myself enough to make healthy choices,”

Honor ANY/ALL of your feelings (good or bad) —feelings are neither wrong nor right, and they do not define you.

Celebrate all of your personal accomplishments or successes , big or small/tiny even  (things like your growth, recovery, positive choices or decisions, job, career... anything, for it all matters). 

Do something that brings you pleasure/; e.g., seek out a pleasure leisure activity that feels good -- and regularly participate in it.

Allow yourself to be all that you are, no more cover-ups; plenty will love you for thatLastly, if you are a love addict— give yourself the most important gift in your lifeat this moment, the gift of recovering from love addiction. Work with a good therapist or coach (life, relationship, or recovery coach) - a specialist in love addiction who can teach you the essential tools and insights you need to thrive, grow, and conquer your love addiction... A gift of self-compassion, self-love, and self-kindness, indeed.

* These 28 self-care acts focus primarily around relationships. While this is not a comprehensive list, my hope is this list offers you some important points and lessons in how you can start to acquire your self-care strengths on road to recovering from addictive love. Keep in mind , self-care is holistic and also expands into other important areas of our lives-- for example, relaxation, meditation, diet, rest, attending social groups, play, exercise, etc.

What Self-Care is Not: 
It is Not Selfish.
It is Not Self-Pity.
It is Not Self-Indulgence.

What Self-Care is: 
It is Self-Protection
It is Self-Preservation
It is Self-Value/Love
It is A Right!
 

Bottom-line: “If self-care is not an essential part of your life. If you don’t treat yourself with kindness and respect, then how could you expect others to do the same”? No one can do it for you, but you.
When people neglect themselves, it leads to resentment, anger, unhappiness, and certainly toxic/hurtful relationships. We cannot truly function in a healthy, nurturing manner unless self-care becomes an indispensable part of our lives. Self-care is vital for your health and well-being. Moreover, it is critical for healthy and happy relationships. When we have a healthy relationship with ourselves, we can have happier, healthy relationships with others.

You’re worthy of love and belonging-- and you're worthy of taking care of YOU.

Self-care is NOT selfish, vain, or egotistical. If ever you have a voice in your head that says something like, “I am being bad and selfish if I focus, and care about my needs/wants, and put myself first”— then please understand this type of thinking is a lie. This kind of voice is a “false message” you received by someone in your past (growing up). You unknowingly internalized this lie ("I'm bad if I care about my needs") as a truth, and did so because you were powerless and did not know any better. So understand, this voice is not yours, but a shame-based person/'s from your past— if it ever comes up, disown it, trash it, and call it what it is, a gigantic lie . 
Learning to care for yourself will likely startle some others around you. Because you are beginning to change your dysfunctional patterns to new healthier patterns (self-care), they will feel uncomfortable, perhaps resentment or anger (not your problem). They may try shaming you, calling you a narcissist, and/or try to make you feel guilty during the times you are taking care of yourself. Smile at their projection, scoff at it—this not about you, but is only abundantly (only) about their emotional/unresolved issues.

Self-Care Will Help You Grow, Thrive, And Live A Healthier, Happier Life.

As an adult, you and only you are responsible to take care of you. Only you can honor that right. The right to feel, say, and do what YOU choose in order to grow, thrive, and live your best life possible.
And no other person has a right to say otherwise-- and just in case anyone does, then do what you rightly need to do, “take care of you.”
Learning to better care for ourselves is about growing up-- meaning we can get up off our feet, make the choice to value ourselves, value our lives, and value our true wants and needs. Growing up is making the choice to take action and behave in manners that only contribute to our health, happiness, and wellbeing.
There is no better time to begin your Self-Care journey than NOW... No better time to make yourself- your needs- your wants, and your well-being, a priority. Changing our unhealthy habits to healthy habits (self-care) can take time-- and that is okay, just stay on that dignified road. 
You’re worthy of love and belonging-- and you're worthy of taking care of YOU. Self-care is something you are entitled too. It is what you deserve.
And YES, making the choice on your own behalf, to do 'what it takes' to overcome the problem with love addiction is A Significant Act For Your Self-Care …  A Gift that will last you a lifetime!

More important than why

I have been thinking about the reason that I developed my sex and love addiction. I am fairly certain that it's a combination of low self-esteem and the emotional unavailability and disregard of my father. While it's nice to know WHY something has occurred, it's more important to CHANGE it as soon as you know.
With that being said, here are the things I can do to change things for my future: improve my self-esteem by using affirmations, CBT, and self-validation. Also, I can remind myself that my dad did the best he could with what he had to work with. Dwelling on things that you can't change will do nothing to change the future, it will only keep you stuck and feeling like garbage. I have developed such a sense of inner peace during the last few months, I will do whatever I can to ensure that it continues.

Avoiding Fantasy

A major component of sex and love addiction is the tendency to engage in fantasy thinking. I know this was a HUGE issue for me when I was acting out. During the course of my daily life, if I had to face an uncomfortable situation or feeling, I would just check out of reality and enter my fantasy world. My fantasy world always starred my most recent qualifier. Actually it's interesting because my most recent qualifier has been popping up a lot lately in my thoughts before bed and in my dreams. I am not sure why except for the fact that it's been 1 year since I met him. In my opinion, part of this obsession is due to my neverending search for external validation which I have been working on in the past 7 months of my recovery. Another trigger may be that I just recently discovered that another qualifier attempted to contact me out of the blue 3 years after we last spoke.
The important thing that I must remember is that all of these thoughts, dreams, or daydreams that I have been having and have had are not in any way, shape, or form based on reality. My attraction to any qualifier from my past has been based on fantasy. The reality is that at best, all of these men were emotionally unavailable. My relationships with them were not healthy; in fact they were toxic and harmful to me. I will start to pray that God will help me remember this on a daily basis.

Breaking the Love Addiction

I found the following insightful article posted on Esteemology.com:

JUNE 11, 2018

BY SAVANNAH GREY

Breaking the Love Addiction: Surviving No Contact

The Law of Addiction: Any re-engagement with an addictive substance, by a recovering addict, will cause an automatic re-addiction.

Implementing the No Contact rule, on a toxic relationship, gives us a measure of control, over a relationship that seems, very much, out of our control.
High risk relationships, like the peak and valley type, where one is repeatedly crashing and soaring, (breaking up and getting back together) affect the same parts of the brain as a drug addiction.  Studies by Fisher, Brown, Aron, Strong, and Mashek 2010, conclude that the similarities between addictive substances and love-sex based attachments rely upon the same psychological, chemical and neuroanatomical substrates.
The same sensations such as cravings, obsessive thinking, compulsion, mood swings, distortion of reality, emotional dependence, personality changes, risk taking behaviors and a loss of self-control are all common to those going through a withdrawal of an addictive substance and in this case, a relationship.
The goal for recovering addicts is a cessation of usage of the addictive substance, similarly when one is trying to break free from an emotional manipulator, you need to approach it the same way.
No contact is akin to cold turkey and you have to be prepared for the same types of withdrawal symptoms. You’re going to have obsessive thoughts, cravings, desires to break no contact, and several other psychological and physiological symptoms.  There undoubtably will be moments when you’re going to feel like giving in is easier than existing in your present state.
They say that the most important time to work out is when you don’t feel like working out and the same thing goes with no contact – It’s during the times when you want to reach and re-establish contact that you must be the most vigilant.
Tips to Help Keep You in No Contact

Be constantly mindful that your critical parent voice is at it’s strongest during no contact. It feels you are trying to make a change and it goes into high alert. It will do it’s damnedest to sabotage you, by finding reasons and justifications for you to do things you know you shouldn’t. Acknowledge the voice, be mindful of it, but do not give into it – tell it to “f-off.” Tell it you’re in charge now and you’re no longer listening.

If you’re prone to reach out when you’re drinking – don’t drink during this, the most vulnerable time, in your healing. Stay away from things that trigger you or make you feel weak.

Have a friend on stand-by that you can call whenever you feel tempted.

Distract yourself – go work out, hang out with friends, go shopping, visit family, clean your house, cook an amazing meal, garden, start a hobby, visit dogs at a local shelter, take a book to a coffee shop and be around people, go bike riding, walk along the beach – anything to divert your attention away from the craving.

Understand that the feeling is temporary. It will pass, so ride it out.

Keep your list of relationship crimes handy – put it in your phone so you have it with you at all times and read it whenever the craving hits. Allow it to change your mental state – get mad, be pissed off that you were treated this way.

Come back to reality and start seeing him/her for who they really are, not the fantasy you keep dreaming about.

It feels worse before it feels better. Stay the course.

Think about how much better your life will be when you get past this. Plan your future. Focus on the next chapter, your goals and how you want your life to be.

Be determined and disciplined to beat this tell yourself you’ll do whatever it takes.

Breaking No Contact
If you do give in and break No Contact, brush yourself off and get back to it. Do not go on a Narcissistic binge. The longer you stay engaged with it, the longer you delay your healing. So, put down your phone and get back on the wagon. You can think of it as a cheat day, but it’s the only one you’re going to allow yourself. Remember it’s a lot easier to maintain no contact than it is to start all over again. And if you’re thinking you’re strong enough to make contact without it having an impact on you, that you won’t get sucked back in – think again and reread the Law of Addiction again.
Once you are free of your love addiction you will notice an entirely different world. The anxiety you walked around with daily, will dissipate. You’ll feel lighter, breathe easier and walk taller. You’ll feel the toxins leaving your body, giving you a stronger healthier immune system. When the drama has left your life, you no longer have to walk on egg shells, you will feel a great sense of control over yourself and your emotions. When the negativity has gone you’ll feel optimistic and excited about your life. You’ll be focused on you and your happiness and you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish and just how skilled and talented you really are. But most importantly, at the end of this love addiction, you’ll find peace, stability, harmony, happiness, freedom, joy, autonomy and you’ll find yourself.
The journey is worth it. It’s not an easy road, but it’s a necessary one. So, pick up your sword, dust yourself off and battle through it.

God's will for me

Both in my meetings and in church, I have been hearing much about God's will for us. And it has got me thinking: exactly what is God's will for me? I am pretty sure that it includes continuing to work in the helping profession and also to attend grad school and meet my career goals. But what else does God have in store for me?
I have often pondered whether God has a partner earmarked for me sometime in the future. I certainly hope so because I do want the chance to have a healthy relationship someday.
Today in church, my pastor was discussing how many of us pray consistently for something but get weary and discouraged when God doesn't answer our prayers in the time frame that we think He should. Pastor said be patient, don't give up. Things in this world happen within God's time, not ours. Be still. Wait. Stay strong. Don't give up.

June 9

• JUNE 9 •
Healing is complex and mysterious. Sometimes it can happen only through the mystery of the wound itself.
— Allan Bozarth Campbell

One way to live our recovery is to be a wounded healer. This image, often used in spiritual work, expresses the wonderful contradiction found in the promise that no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. It is not in spite of, but because of how far down we have gone that we can reach out to those who still suffer. As wounded healers, we have gone through experiences in our life that have resulted in personal transformation — a spiritual awakening. Because of our sex addiction and recovery, we now have a wisdom that we desire to share with others. And always, the opportunity to share in someone else’s healing is as much a gift to us as it is to the other person. We must never forget that our powerlessness was, and is, a wound. It is also the way to new power.

May I possess the simplicity, humility, and compassion of the wounded healer.

Answers in the Heart

Here is the June 4th entry from Answers in the Heart:

• JUNE 4 •
Most people would rather get than give affection. — Aristotle

Many of us who are sex addicts tend to be introspective and self-concerned. We are sensitive people whose affections may have been rejected or misinterpreted when we were young, so we turned to ourselves for the love we needed. There is nothing wrong with needing love. Many people are afraid to admit this, because they fear rejection as soon as they make themselves vulnerable. Affection is necessary for growth and productive action in the world. If we believe we are lovable, we will surely be loved. But we also need to love. We need to get out of ourselves and contemplate the characteristics of another person. Love is a two-way process, giving as well as receiving. We have to feel ourselves as really lovable before we can reach out to others. And we can learn to do this in our Twelve Step program. We can also learn, by listening to others and giving feedback, that it is good to give as well as receive. Being healthy again means we have rediscovered the power of love.

I am learning to see myself as lovable, and now I can tap into the energy that comes from reaching outward to others through love.

Being rescued

This evening during my meeting, the topic being discussed was the tendency to want to be rescued in a relationship, particularly when you are a sex or love addict. I identify with this topic very much because this has always been something that I have struggled with. Even now, with the situation I have been dealing with concerning my ex-husband, I would be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes I have fantasies of being rescued by a man. A strong, handsome man swooping in to take care of me, being indignant that I am paying child support and threatening to knock my ex on his ass. It's ironic because my most recent qualifier offered to knock my ex on his ass which triggered me and made me all the more attracted to him. While I would not want anyone physically fighting, the offer to fight someone on my behalf made me swoon. Of course my qualifier didn't follow through with anything he told me because he never cared about me at all.
The point is that I have realized that I am the only one who can rescue myself. And for the past 7 months in recovery, I have finally realized this truth. Only you can save yourself. I am up to the task.

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries-Part 2

Today has been a truly amazing day! I had custody mediation with my ex-husband today and it went better than I could have ever dreamed. Also, today is the 7th month of my sobriety from my bottom lines! After that good news, I will continue my segment on unhealthy boundaries:

I. BOUNDARIES
A. Boundaries define us.
1. They define what IS me and what IS NOT me.
2. A boundary shows me where I END and someone ELSE BEGINS, leading me to a
SENSE of OWNERSHIP.
3. KNOWING what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me FREEDOM. If
I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like.
However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.
4. Boundaries also help us to define what is NOT on our property and what we are
NOT RESPONSIBLE for. Such as, we are NOT responsible FOR OTHER
PEOPLE.
B. To and For
1. We are responsible TO others, and FOR ourselves.
C. Good In, Bad Out
1. Boundaries help us keep the good IN and the bad OUT.
2. Boundaries are NOT walls. Boundaries have gates.
3. We are to be in community with others, but in every community, all members have
their own space and property.
4. When people are abused while growing up, they often reverse the function of
boundaries and keep the “BADin” and the “GOOD out.”
D. God and Boundaries
1. God also limits what he will allow in his yard. He confronts sin and allows
consequences for behavior.
a. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that
whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” - John 3:16
b. God loves free will – freedom to CHOOSE
2. The “gates” of His boundaries open and close appropriately.
E. Example of Boundaries (made with)
Boundaries are anything that helps to DIFFERENTIATE you from someone else.
1. Skin – most basic boundary that defines you. Victims of abuse often have a poor
sense of boundaries. Early in life they were taught that their property did not really
begin at their skin. Others could invade their property and do whatever they
wanted, so they have problems establishing boundaries later in life.
2. Words – you can create good protective fences with your words. The most basic
boundary-setting word is “NO.” It lets others know that you exist apart from
them and that you are in control of you.
3. Truth – knowing the truth about God and His property puts limits on you and
shows you His boundaries.
4. Geographical Distance – physically removing yourself from a situation will help
maintain boundaries
5. Time – Taking time off from a person or project can be a way or regaining
ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to
be set.
6. Emotional Distance – Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your
heart the space it needs to be safe – never a permanent way of living.
7. Other People – you need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries.
Creating Boundaries Always Involves a Support Network.
8. Consequences – MUST back up our boundaries with CONSEQUENCES.
9. The 3 S’s - SPEAK Up, STAND Up, STEP Back
a. SPEAK Up – words; “NO” “YES” “DON’T” “I WILL…” “I WON’T…”
b. STAND Up – truth, what’s right – calmly repeat desire & then state
consequence
c. STEP Back – distance, space; carry out previously stated “consequence”.
• Puts the responsibility for the bad behavior back onto the person
initiating it
• Creates a sense of self-respect for the new “boundary-setter”.
• Respect begets Respect – when we respect ourselves, others begin to
respect us in return.
• Respect is EARNED by making wise choices.
F. What’s in My Boundaries? – (What I AM responsible for)
1. Feelings
2. Attitudes and Beliefs
3. Behaviors
4. Choices
5. Values
6. Limits
7. Talents
8. Thoughts
9. Desires
10. Love
11. My Body
G. OTHER
1. When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying “no” is bad, they are
teaching them that others can do with them as they wish.
2. Blocking a child’s ability to say “no” handicaps that child for life
a. As adults they have the boundary injury of “saying “YES” to bad things”
3. Inability to say “no” to the bad keeps us from refusing evil
4. People raised in dysfunctional families, or families where God’s ways of
boundaries are not practiced, find themselves transported into adult life where
spiritual principles that have never been explained to them govern their
relationships and well-being.
5. The law of Cause and Effect is a basic law of life, and the Bible calls it the Law of
Sowing and Reaping.
a. Certain behaviors (CHOICES) result in certain CONSEQUENCES
b. Sometimes someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for people,
INTERRUPTING the Law of CAUSE and EFFECT by rescuing
irresponsible people
c. It is often people who have no boundaries who do the interrupting
d. Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior ENABLES
him to continue in IRRESPONSIBLE behavior
e. A person who continually rescues another person is CODEPENDENT
f. Codependent, boundary-less people “co-sign the note” of life for the
irresponsible person
g. They end up paying the bills – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – and
the spendthrift continues out of control with NO consequences
h. Establishing boundaries helps codependent people STOP interrupting the Law
of Sowing and Reaping
i. Boundaries FORCE the person who is doing the SOWING to also do the
REAPING
j. Irresponsible persons NEED to suffer consequences BEFORE they will
change their behavior.
k. Often may have to HURT others when setting boundaries, but not HARM
them. Major difference between HURT and HARM.
(1) Dentist – bad tooth – may “hurt,” but won’t “harm” us
(2) Often have to “hurt” to get better
6. God wants us to take care of ourselves so we can help others without moving into a
crisis ourselves

June Musings

I have been doing a great deal of reflection lately both because I have made so much progress and because I met my most recent qualifier on June 17 of last year. Here are some of the thoughts that have arisen:

1. NEVER, EVER make someone your Higher Power. My Higher Power is God and I realize that I have been making men I have been obsessed with my Higher Power. Very dangerous.
2. Never define yourself solely by the presence of others in your life. Your romantic interests are supposed to be additions to your life, not the reason you live.
3. Never settle for crumbs of attention. If someone cannot give themselves fully to YOU then they aren't worth your time.
4. Never let others dictate your reality, only you are able to effectively do this.
5. Never think that you can truly love another before you love yourself. You can't.
6. If you begin to see red flags with someone you are dating, end it. Immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just be done.
7. If someone shows you how they feel about you, believe them. (See number #6 above.)
8. If you are ever tempted to disregard your morals or values to please someone else, please don't do it. I guarantee that you will regret it in the future.
9. Always have patience. If you give something enough time, it will start to work out!

7 months!

I am so pleased to report that today marks 7 months of celibacy for me. I can scarcely believe that I have come this far and to think I doubted my ability to make it this long at the beginning of my recovery. Yet, here I am.
I will say that in my opinion, time and patience are the keys to recovery. The longer you remain sober, the more clarity you receive.  I am learning things about myself and those around me that I would have never believed possible, even before my sex and love addiction held me in it's death grasp. I am so blessed that I found this program and recovery. If you are struggling, just remember: DON'T GIVE UP BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!!

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries-Part 1

I found the best document online detailing signs of unhealthy boundaries and other related information. This will likely be a 2-3 part post.

SIGNS of UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES
1. Telling all
2. Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting
3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance
4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out to you
5. Being overwhelmed by a person – preoccupied
6. Acting on the first sexual impulse
7. Being sexual for your partner, not for yourself.
8. Going against personal values or rights just to please others
9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries
11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t really want
12. Touching a person without asking
13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of “getting”
14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving
15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you
16. Letting others direct your life
17. Letting others describe your reality
18. Letting others define you
19. Believing others can anticipate your needs
20. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically
21. Falling apart so someone will take care of you
22. Self-abuse
23. Sexual and physical abuse
24. Food and chemical abuse

June 2

• JUNE 2 •

The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that’s the essence of inhumanity. — George Bernard Shaw

Hate is the other side of love and shows at least energy and passion. Probably most of us feel surges of hate at some time or another, especially toward those we love the most. We can deal with this if we realize that these moments will pass and be forgiven. But indifference and apathy can become a disease of the spirit so pervasive that their darkness envelops everything. Then life is stifled and throttled at the root. If we don’t value the people around us, they will feel our lack of caring as striking at the heart of their humanity. If we have no time for life, then life and those close to us will drift away from us. The world is a place of splendor and love. We can connect with it if we reach out beyond self-concern and replace indifference and apathy with the energy of living and loving.

Apathy maims and kills. I am discovering how to energize my body and spirit and reach out to others who need me as I need them.

His Will

For the entire time that I have been in recovery, I have always prayed for God's will for me. I will continue to do that in spite of what happened to me today. My ex-husband sued me for child support and he was awarded a monthly payment of $239 per month. We make the same, he will now make more than me. He doesn't work at all plus he lives with his parents and pays nothing. This is the law so I have no choice but to pay him.
I realize that this is a consequence of my impulsive relationship decisions. Had I gotten to know my ex before I had a child with him, I might have thought about my decision more. Because today I learned what his true character is and he is a vile and ruthless person. The entire thing is extremely pathetic and grossly unfair. However, this is clearly God's will for me. So I will face these consequences with my head held high and a sense of dignity.