Today I am ecstatic to report that I have made it to 230 days of sobriety! Also, I am on day #233 of celibacy. I truly can't believe nor would I ever have imagined that things in my life would become so crystal clear to me in the past 230 days. The more time passes since I last acted out the more I seem to learn. Suffice it to say, I will be eternally grateful that my most recent qualifier dumped me and I ended up finding this program and myself.
One thing I have realized during my recovery is that no matter how much sex I have had in my life, I have never been truly intimate with another. Before I ever get involved with someone else, I need to work on developing vulnerability but also not letting myself get caught up in pretty words and physical attraction. With that being said, I wanted to share my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because it fits perfectly with my post tonight.
• JUNE 24 •
A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind. — David Garrick
Anonymous or loveless sexual encounters left most of us untouched by any genuine human warmth. We came away from them not enriched but impoverished, and gradually our lives became grey and cold and hopeless. Sex can be lonely, scary, and sad if it isn’t enfolded in affection. We would become vulnerable if we gave ourselves without love. We could even become heartless and cruel, seeking our own pleasure and satisfaction at the expense of other people. Our partners would not be partners at all, just objects. Feeling for others, sympathy, affection, empathy — these are the human emotions we need to cultivate alongside our sexuality. And we learn to do this in our program. Sex needs to be encompassed by feelings of caring and tenderness; we need to be held and looked at and loved in order to feel secure. Sex can be frightening, but love contains and banishes fear.
I want to be kind and loving and relate to people with my whole self.
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