Today has been a truly amazing day! I had custody mediation with my ex-husband today and it went better than I could have ever dreamed. Also, today is the 7th month of my sobriety from my bottom lines! After that good news, I will continue my segment on unhealthy boundaries:
I. BOUNDARIES
A. Boundaries define us.
1. They define what IS me and what IS NOT me.
2. A boundary shows me where I END and someone ELSE BEGINS, leading me to a
SENSE of OWNERSHIP.
3. KNOWING what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me FREEDOM. If
I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like.
However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.
4. Boundaries also help us to define what is NOT on our property and what we are
NOT RESPONSIBLE for. Such as, we are NOT responsible FOR OTHER
PEOPLE.
B. To and For
1. We are responsible TO others, and FOR ourselves.
C. Good In, Bad Out
1. Boundaries help us keep the good IN and the bad OUT.
2. Boundaries are NOT walls. Boundaries have gates.
3. We are to be in community with others, but in every community, all members have
their own space and property.
4. When people are abused while growing up, they often reverse the function of
boundaries and keep the “BADin” and the “GOOD out.”
D. God and Boundaries
1. God also limits what he will allow in his yard. He confronts sin and allows
consequences for behavior.
a. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that
whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” - John 3:16
b. God loves free will – freedom to CHOOSE
2. The “gates” of His boundaries open and close appropriately.
E. Example of Boundaries (made with)
Boundaries are anything that helps to DIFFERENTIATE you from someone else.
1. Skin – most basic boundary that defines you. Victims of abuse often have a poor
sense of boundaries. Early in life they were taught that their property did not really
begin at their skin. Others could invade their property and do whatever they
wanted, so they have problems establishing boundaries later in life.
2. Words – you can create good protective fences with your words. The most basic
boundary-setting word is “NO.” It lets others know that you exist apart from
them and that you are in control of you.
3. Truth – knowing the truth about God and His property puts limits on you and
shows you His boundaries.
4. Geographical Distance – physically removing yourself from a situation will help
maintain boundaries
5. Time – Taking time off from a person or project can be a way or regaining
ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to
be set.
6. Emotional Distance – Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your
heart the space it needs to be safe – never a permanent way of living.
7. Other People – you need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries.
Creating Boundaries Always Involves a Support Network.
8. Consequences – MUST back up our boundaries with CONSEQUENCES.
9. The 3 S’s - SPEAK Up, STAND Up, STEP Back
a. SPEAK Up – words; “NO” “YES” “DON’T” “I WILL…” “I WON’T…”
b. STAND Up – truth, what’s right – calmly repeat desire & then state
consequence
c. STEP Back – distance, space; carry out previously stated “consequence”.
• Puts the responsibility for the bad behavior back onto the person
initiating it
• Creates a sense of self-respect for the new “boundary-setter”.
• Respect begets Respect – when we respect ourselves, others begin to
respect us in return.
• Respect is EARNED by making wise choices.
F. What’s in My Boundaries? – (What I AM responsible for)
1. Feelings
2. Attitudes and Beliefs
3. Behaviors
4. Choices
5. Values
6. Limits
7. Talents
8. Thoughts
9. Desires
10. Love
11. My Body
G. OTHER
1. When parents teach children that setting boundaries or saying “no” is bad, they are
teaching them that others can do with them as they wish.
2. Blocking a child’s ability to say “no” handicaps that child for life
a. As adults they have the boundary injury of “saying “YES” to bad things”
3. Inability to say “no” to the bad keeps us from refusing evil
4. People raised in dysfunctional families, or families where God’s ways of
boundaries are not practiced, find themselves transported into adult life where
spiritual principles that have never been explained to them govern their
relationships and well-being.
5. The law of Cause and Effect is a basic law of life, and the Bible calls it the Law of
Sowing and Reaping.
a. Certain behaviors (CHOICES) result in certain CONSEQUENCES
b. Sometimes someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for people,
INTERRUPTING the Law of CAUSE and EFFECT by rescuing
irresponsible people
c. It is often people who have no boundaries who do the interrupting
d. Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior ENABLES
him to continue in IRRESPONSIBLE behavior
e. A person who continually rescues another person is CODEPENDENT
f. Codependent, boundary-less people “co-sign the note” of life for the
irresponsible person
g. They end up paying the bills – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – and
the spendthrift continues out of control with NO consequences
h. Establishing boundaries helps codependent people STOP interrupting the Law
of Sowing and Reaping
i. Boundaries FORCE the person who is doing the SOWING to also do the
REAPING
j. Irresponsible persons NEED to suffer consequences BEFORE they will
change their behavior.
k. Often may have to HURT others when setting boundaries, but not HARM
them. Major difference between HURT and HARM.
(1) Dentist – bad tooth – may “hurt,” but won’t “harm” us
(2) Often have to “hurt” to get better
6. God wants us to take care of ourselves so we can help others without moving into a
crisis ourselves
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