August 31

AUGUST 31
Courage is grace under pressure. — Ernest Hemingway

Sexual addiction was a force that constantly caused us to act in demeaning and degrading ways. We went out to buy something for a friend and found ourselves acting out; we did errands to help our family and spent all our money on pornography or visits to prostitutes. We lived under the powerful pressure of our affliction and gradually became emotionally bankrupt. Is there hope for us? Yes, as we listen to the Serenity Prayer and find in ourselves the courage to change the things we know we can change. We can learn to behave differently, with the help of the group, the Twelve Step program, and our Higher Power. In listening to others, in sharing their struggles, in trusting in life and our place in the universe, we will come to find the courage to choose to turn our lives proudly toward the new with hope.

I know I am gaining the courage to turn toward a new life. This new life will help me resist the pressure of my addiction.

Addictive obsession

This evening was my second class for my MSW program and although I know it will be a huge amount of work and commitment, I am extremely excited and enthusiastic about being in the program.
I graduated with my bachelor's in April of 2017, therefore for the majority of those 4 years, I was acting out in some way or another. During class this evening, I noticed how pleasant it was to be present in the moment, listen and contribute to the discussion, and retain information shared during the discussion. It was such a breath of fresh air to not be obsessed with my phone, who texted me, who hadn't, and analyze the results. I thank God that I am in recovery from that terrible addiction that robs you of everything going on in the world except for person that you're obsessed with. 

Another success to report

I am proud to blog about another success that I have had recently, one that I could have never accomplished a year ago.
I encounter many different people throughout the day as a result of my job. One such person that I have known as a professional contact recently added me on Facebook and started talking to me. I wasn't exactly sure why he added me but I suspected it wasn't just work related because he would talk about our personal lives.
This past weekend, my suspicions were confirmed. I mentioned that I was getting pizza and he asked if he could stop by with a 12 pack. I told him that my son was with me. He stated that was no big deal; he liked kids. I stuck firmly to my boundaries, explaining that I am not comfortable introducing my son to new people. He asked me out to dinner and I mentioned on multiple occasions that although I would love the opportunity to make a new friend, I had no interest in dating. He said he understood and nonetheless offered dinner.
There were so many things about my interactions with him that I am proud of but the bottom line is this: I stuck to my beliefs, asserted myself, and respected myself and my boundaries! YAY!!!!

August 28

AUGUST 28
A soft answer turneth away wrath. — Prov. 15:1

One of the most important things we learn in recovery is to be gentle with ourselves. Why is gentleness particularly important for a recovering sex addict? Our common experience has taught us that sex addiction can be violent. Whether we’ve been in a violent relationship, contemplated suicide, or been violent in other ways, sex addiction has shown how it can batter and harden us. It demeans every effort we make to feel good about ourselves. The wisdom of recovery helps us learn how to be kind to ourselves and others. In our groups, we treat each other with compassion, knowing that gentle attitudes and behavior heal the addiction’s harshness and violence. To be gentle does not mean avoiding pain or being dishonest. Rather, it helps us be strong in a way that does not damage us, but restores us. Gentleness gives us room to breathe. It creates a safe place within, so we can learn to love ourselves again.

I will be gentle with myself today.

The start of a new chapter

Tomorrow evening I will start a new chapter in my life and one I am very excited about: my masters of social work program. I have always dreamed of one day telling people that I am in grad school and that finally has become my reality. The best part about it is the fact that my dream happened because of my efforts and no one else's. I didn't need a man to help me get here or ride anyone's coattails to help me to get in, my own achievements were enough. I have rarely been as grateful and excited about any other opportunity in my life.
In the past year, I have truly felt as if my life has come full circle and this will be the final step around that circle. The pride I feel in myself is the highest that it's ever been and it feels so amazing to say that I can take all of the credit for that. I will never hold myself or allow myself to be held back again: the sky's the limit!!!

The 4th Step

Yesterday I had my second phone meeting with my sponsor and she gave me some fantastic news: I have completed Steps 1-3! Now it's time for Step 4, which seems to be one of the more painful steps. This is the personal inventory step. My sponsor emailed 4th step worksheets and gave me instructions on how to complete this step. I am both excited and apprehensive to start working on this step because I can just imagine the kind of crap I will uncover. However, I am extremely blessed and grateful that at least I have a sponsor because it's very hard in the SLAA phone meetings to get one. Therefore, as always, I will do my very best to do this work and complete this Step to the best of my ability. Please wish me luck!
"Thy will, not mine, be done".

Taking control

Earlier today, I stumbled upon an article posted on Facebook that I read and read again because it truly spoke to me; it was extremely powerful. Although the content in the beginning no longer applies to me, I think the overall message is a great one, especially for a sex and love addict.

When You Give A Man Everything And He Still Had No Decency To Choose You

HER WAY
posted on Oct. 17, 2017 at 12:25 pm

A real man will never leave you guessing about the role he intends to play in your life.

A real man is always upfront about the role he wants you to play in his life as well.
Only a toxic man plays with a woman’s feelings.
Only a toxic man has the audacity to get the best out of a woman and then leave her high and dry.
God knows how many women have been left high and dry so far in life. And only God knows how many women have been left high and dry for many times in their lives.
Just because there are women who are ready to wear their hearts on their sleeves, just because there are women who are more than ready to choose one man and devote themselves wholly to him, that isn’t a green light to use them and then just leave them as if they were the most irrelevant thing in your life.
Where do men who leave these kinds of women find the heart to do so? And how do these kinds of men sleep at night?
How do they sleep at night knowing that they broke the hearts of the women who were hoping to be chosen, who deserved to be chosen?
The most cowardly excuses always come from men who are not ready to take responsibilities for their actions.
How many times have you heard, “She was the one who wanted to give me her all, but I never asked for it!”? This is a load of crap, excuse my French.

If he didn’t want anything from you, he should’ve made sure you were aware of that.

If he didn’t want to use you as he said, he should have stopped taking your kindness, because in his acceptance of your kindness and all the things you did for him was a silent promise that you two were meant to be something more.
When a real man wants you, he’s upfront about it. When a real man has no interest in you, he’s also upfront about it and would never send you mixed signals.
Only a coward, a poor excuse for a man, would lead you on for a long time without any intention of being with you. But it’s not your fault, as he mastered this kind of game a long time ago.
You gave him your years. What you had going on wasn’t just blink and it’s over. It was so much more than that. It was days, weeks, months, years of your time and of your hope.
It was many sleepless nights when you waited to be chosen and where there was plenty of indication that you deserved him, but his final decision never came.
You gave him your love.
You gave him your smile and your laugh and your hand and your heart. You were there for him.
You were able to sense when there was something wrong in his life and you always knew what to say at a certain moment. You were always ready to save him when he came to you, wounded by the world. No matter what he needed, you had it. Even when sometimes he had no idea what he needed, you knew for him.

You were his guiding star in life. You were the one who helped him get to the place where he can be found now. You invested so much in him and what did you get at the end? A full bag of nothing.
He never asked for any of what you gave him, but he never said he didn’t want it either.
He never asked anything of you out loud but he still expected that you give him what he needed. The only reason he never said it out loud was so he could keep his conscience clean when those things happened.
He wanted to be ‘clean’ when you came to him to charge him for all the good you did for him.
When you came knocking and asking for more in life, when you asked him to give you what you deserved and what you’d been giving to him all this time, he didn’t have the decency to give it to you.
He didn’t have the decency to choose you and when you got fed up, he distanced himself by saying he never asked you for anything. He didn’t ask for it, but he sure as hell expected it.
What does a woman as devoted, as gifted, as kind and as loving as you want from such an excuse for a man?
Let’s be straight up, shall we? If he had any intention of choosing you, you would have been chosen by now.

If he wanted to reward you for your loyalty and for all the times you were there for him when nobody else was, for all those times you chose him over yourself, it would be a done deal by now. But he didn’t.
The worst part of it is that you yourself are aware of this but you keep refusing to accept it.
You are a smart woman. You allowed yourself this time not to be stupid, but to be led by your heart and by a hope that one day he would see the worth in you and that he would value you for who you were and what you did for him.
You hoped that he was a better man than he had shown you and you kept giving until the point where there was nothing more than you could give. And yet he didn’t have the decency to choose you.
Instead of him choosing you, he decided not to.
He decided to be a coward and selfish and he refused to commit. He wanted to be open to all the options that were there. But that was far from what you deserved or from what suited you. He secretly hoped that you’d eventually miss him so much and that you’d be ready to settle for less.
What he failed to realize is that once a woman like you leaves, no matter how much pain she might endure, she’s never coming back.

The only thing left for you to do is to prove to him what you’re made of.

You owe it to yourself to choose yourself when he doesn’t have the decency to do it. You owe it to yourself to stop giving all of you to somebody who doesn’t value you.
You owe it to yourself to stop being exploited by a man who’s not really a man, but just a poor excuse for one.
So choose yourself. Choose to be your own hero. Choose to save you from the toxic relationship and choose to not settle for less.
A woman like you deserves the world and if the man you want isn’t going to give it to you, then stop wanting him. Because there is somebody worthy of you and there is somebody who’ll value you for who you are.
There is a real man out there who will give you a place in his life. Stop choosing not to be chosen.

The gift of commitment

I want to share my August 22 daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because it really hit home for me. The thoughts contained in the reading were ones that I have had before but I was never able to articulate them as eloquently. Thank the Lord that I was blessed with getting my life back!

AUGUST 22
Can such thing be, And overcome us like a summer’s cloud, Without our special wonder? — William Shakespeare

When our ability to participate again in life is restored through recovery, we also rediscover the gift of commitment. Maybe the commitment is to raising a child, doing a job we love, earning a degree, or working on a special relationship. It is a moment of wonder when we have something in our lives that requires the best we have to give. During times of doubt or struggle, we may question what we’ve gotten ourselves into. But an activity or a person to which we give ourselves wholly and freely is evidence of our Higher Power in our lives. If the commitment is to something God has asked us to do, we can know absolutely that God will help us take care of it. The time we need will come, money will come, support will come, and the energy and enthusiasm we need will come. Although it may appear that things are simply going our way, we can trust God is giving them to us so our task can be accomplished.

Today offers me a wonderful opportunity to fulfill my commitments in peace and grace. I am being looked after.

290 days

Today marks 290 days of sobriety in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Today I feel pride, gratitude, joy, peace, acceptance, and HAPPINESS. This program has absolutely changed my life. I am so grateful that I was blessed to find it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be okay. I will work to enjoy my life, right now in the present. I firmly believe that if it's God will for me to find a partner, then I will find one. If not, that's okay too because my life is full of family, friends, a great career, and hobbies that I love! There is no reason to be sad about that, partner or not!!!

Lessons of Love

I just came across the best article on Psychologytoday.com about the core lessons of love. This is useful knowledge for everyone to have, regardless if you're a sex and love addict.

John Kim, LMFT

The Angry Therapist

4 Core Lessons of Love

I don't know how to date, but here are four things I've learned so far.

Posted Nov 26, 2017

So this is the longest stretch I’ve been single. For most of my life, I’ve been in relationships: A three-year deal. A 10-year deal. A two-year deal. Another three-year deal. Then a few months-long deals. I know, I shouldn’t call them deals. It’s minimizing and strips away The Notebooktrailer we see in our heads. But you are technically making a deal with someone when you choose to invest and build something, right? And I think that’s why dating is so hard. Because what’s the deal? There really isn’t one. It’s a crapshoot. Throwing dice. Going with the flow, fingers crossed. It’s like driving to a place you don’t have an address for, but you kind of know where it is. You’ve never been there, but you think you know the area, and so you just go. I’m not used to that. I’m used to Waze—knowing there is a destination and getting there fast.
I usually meet someone, feel chemistry, get on the same page, and suddenly I’m in a relationship. But all of them have expired. So this time, I made a promise to myself to just “date.” Don’t move so fast. Draw experiences with the entire box of crayons, if that makes sense. But now that I’ve been dating for a while, I’m realizing that the crayons are broken, and I have no idea how to draw. It’s the Wild West out there. Dating is a chaotic roller coaster with no safety bar to hold onto.
What does it even mean to "date" today? I’m not going to get into how people meet; I’m talking about the unfolding process—in one word, exploring. Peeling layers. Getting to know each other. Asking someone to dance, and seeing how much you’re stepping on each other’s shoes. Is it a good fit? Do you have things in common? Do you both have tools to build something? Then there’s chemistry and magic and all that stuff that isn’t covered in self-help books. Leasing with an option to buy. That’s what dating is, simply put. But some people are leasing multiple cars. Some are stealing them, taking them for joy rides, and leaving them on the side of the road. 

Because of what I do, there’s extra pressure. I should be an “expert” at this. But therapists have just as many, if not more, “issues” than our clients: John Kim is impatient. Always wants to put things in a box. Doesn’t know how to explore. But also puts pressure on himself because of what he does. If you’re a fitness coach, your fitness standards are higher. If you’re a nutritionist, you’re probably not going through drive-throughs at midnight. So because I’m a relationship coach, I’m in my head a lot. It blocks me from being present. And that’s the number-one thing that will strip anyone of any experience.
But here’s what I’m learning:
1. Dating can actually be rewarding.
No, that’s not a typo. What makes dating feel like water torture are expectations, timelines, outcomes, game playing, judgment, pressure, not communicating (leaving people in the dark), and checklists. If we approach dating without these things — I’m not saying it’s easy — dating can actually be rewarding, and  meaningful to your growth. Because people are meant to collide, and through these collisions, there is tremendous learning.

It’s all the attachments we paper clip to dating that prevent us from tasting the true nectar of human collisions. Instead we hold up shields, blame, get disappointed, triggered, react, and, of course, get hurt.
But there’s no way around the last one. The buy-in to dating is a risk of getting hurt. This is a pill I’ve struggled to swallow, because I don’t want to get hurt, but I especially don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want people to be angry at me, disappointed, or feel that I’m not who I portray online. There is ego there, but there is also heart. There’s no way around it: Hurt comes with any human exchange.
I’ve gone on many dates over the last two years, some lasting for a cup of coffee, and others for a few weeks or a couple months. But there was learning in every collision. Every person one dates doesn’t have to turn into a full-blown relationship for it to be meaningful. When you look at it this way, you can take the pressure off and leave room for it to be a human experience, possibly a spiritual one, and it’s easier to not make it about the ego, and how things should play out — because at the end of the day, no one really knows. So rejection doesn’t have to be rejection: It just wasn’t a good fit. The value isn’t in the outcome; it’s in the experience, like anything in life.

And that’s what I think we should put the weight on — experiences. Without judgment and expectations. Dating is two people having a shared experience. That’s always a gift, no matter how short-lived, as long as your intentions are good, and you are open to learning and growing.
If not, dating can harden you, and discourage you, because people judge. They project. They don’t communicate. People get scared, and scared people always punch first.
It is a choice to see dating as growth soil instead of a battlefield.
2. Try to take in someone’s essence — their soul.
Yes, we have types and preferences, and we’re attracted to what we’re attracted to. Be open, but stop fighting it. It’s okay to like what you like. But really focus on and take in someone’s essence — the true core of who they are — because that doesn’t change. Everything else can, and probably will.
Two souls collide, orchestrated by the universe, every one with a story, and learning about oneself, others, and human connection. Without judgment and labels. Then, dating can be a beautiful thing. It’s a choice to look at it this way, and if it doesn’t work out, to continue to throw love at them. You don’t have to be in their daily lives, but there’s no need to treat people like they’re disposable. That’s why dating has become scary and dreadful: People are horrible to each other if things don’t work out. Just because it wasn’t meant to be, doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant. Read that again. There is always meaning. You just have to find it.
When you seek someone’s soul, you’re getting a more accurate picture of who they really are, and then it’s easier to be kind if things don’t work out.
3. How they treat you is everything.
If they don’t treat you well in the beginning, you shouldn’t even consider them. Remember, it’s the little things: Are they considerate? Do they return your calls/texts? Do they say thank you? Do they communicate? Are they thoughtful? Or is everything about them? These little things become huge when you’re in a relationship. If you’re getting treated like a movie extra in their blockbuster film now, that’s probably how you’ll be treated in the relationship. Dating is foreshadowing, because people don’t change until they have to, and you don’t want to wait until someone has to change; at that point, it’s usually too late.
4. Trust the universe.
I struggle with this one, because I want to control everything. But I’ve learned that sometimes I needed the experience I received from that person, and vice versa, at that point in my/our lives. And maybe we needed that specific experience to shift our thinking or learn something about ourselves — what we want or don’t want, or we just needed it without any reason. One can argue: Well, then, you’re just using each other. I don’t see it that way, because if you feel used, there is pain there. As long as your intentions are in the right place and you’re communicating, no one is getting used, or hurt.

At the end of the day, yes, dating is difficult. It’s scary. But it’s a part of life. We’ve all been hurt, rejected, ignored, and ghosted. Keep your heart open and continue to collide, knowing that there's learning and growth in each collision. And trust that one of them will turn into something more.
Life is all about your mindset: If you stay closed due to fear, no one will know you. But more importantly, you will not know yourself. So use dating as a way to know yourself. That’s not selfish; it’s the only way to look at it, so it’s an enjoyable, meaningful, life-changing experience.

I will continue to date.

I will continue to communicate.

I will continue to seek souls.

I will stop being responsible for other people’s feelings, because we all know the risk is hurt.

I will start being easier on myself because of what I do.

And I will do my best to be fully present, creating a space to meet souls instead of going on “dates.”

And I will wash my car.

Identifying what I want

I just read an article that really helped me to sort some things out. I will post a copy of the article and make some follow up comments after:

Why Some People Love the Thrill of the Chase More Than the Relationship

“Once the high is over, so is the relationship."

By Kristina Marusic 

Jul 22, 2016

In the land of rom-coms that rely on gender-based stereotypes, it’s common to see portrayals of men who are “in love with the chase” and uninterested in being wrangled by women who just want them to commit.
But craving newness and excitement—or experiencing relationship FOMO once the initial heat cools to a simmer—isn’t limited to one gender. (Or one sexual orientation, for that matter.) And it certainly isn’t uncommon.

“For many people the pursuit of the chase is more enticing and rewarding that the actual relationship itself,” says relationship expert Damon L. Jacobs, licensed marriage and family therapist, and author of Rational Relating: The Smart Way to Stay Sane in the Crazy World of Love.
Jacobs says there are five main reasons why people hop from relationship to relationship in an endless quest to maintain that new-relationship buzz:
1. It Really Is Chemical
"In the early stages of falling for someone, your brain is releasing certain chemicals including dopamine, adrenaline, epinephrine, and norepinephrine,” says Jacobs. “These are natural hormones that lead to a feeling of happiness and euphoria.” We sometimes confuse these chemical feelings for authentic connections. As a result, Jacobs says, “Once the high is over, so is the relationship for some folks.”

2. Our Culture Glamorizes Love
Most romantic movies tell a story about a man and a woman overcoming some kind of obstacle to be together. “Then, at the end of the movie they find their way together, they embrace, and the credits roll," he says. "Rarely in arts or entertainment do we ever see what happens after the credits role or how they sustain a meaningful connection year after year.”

That's because the actual day-to-day work that goes into a long-term relationship usually isn't very interesting. "A healthy, sustainable relationship would not make a good reality TV show," says Jacobs. "Society does little to reinforce and validate working together on a connection when things are difficult. 

3. We Refuse to Admit It's Normal to Crave Someone New
“This is simply a fact of life,” Jacobs says. “Unfortunately, we don’t talk about this often, and the silence leads men and women, gay and straight, to internalize a sense of failure when they no longer sexually hungerfor the partner they love." In reality, not wanting to jump your partner's bones 24/7 after a few months (or years) of being together is totally normal.

“When people believe diminished physical contact is an automatic sign that the relationship is in trouble, and they feel too guilty or ashamed to talk about that, it makes sense that they may idealize a connection or affair with someone else as better or more pleasurable,” Jacobs says. 

4. New Relationships Make Us Feel Validated
Rather than focusing on building a mutually satisfying connection with another human being, many people use relationships to fulfill emotional needs. “They don’t actually want the person,” says Jacobs. “They want to get what they think they need: attention, affection, validation, fulfillment.”

But ultimately, those things can’t be sustained by other people. “These are qualities that must come from within ourselves in order to truly share them and enjoy them with another,” Jacobs says. “When people are taught that love and security and meaning are derived from another person, it’s a recipe for failure.”

5. Monogamy Just Isn't for Everyone
There’s a difference between constantly chasing new relationships for the wrong reasons and just wanting to share sexual intimacy with more than one person over the course of a long-term relationship, Jacobs says.

“Straight couples, in general, still have a harder time with this,” Jacobs says, noting that the way our culture overall regards non-monogamy can make it difficult for straight couples to communicate about sex and desire.

So while monogamy may work for some couples, it isn’t for everyone, and there’s nothing inherently wrongwith wanting to be in a non-monogamous relationship—as long as you’re honest with your partner about building the kind of relationship you really want.

What to Do if You Love the Chase but Also Want a Lasting, Monogamous Relationship
If you feel like you're "addicted" to the chase, but want to build a lasting relationship, it's important to nail down your priorities and values, Jacobs says. Ask yourself these quesitons: 

• Do you truly want a lasting relationship, or do you think you ‘should’ want a lasting relationship?
• Do you sincerely want to do the work required to make a long-term relationship durable, or would you rather enjoy dating around?

Jacobs emphasizes that there’s nothing wrong with preferring not to commit. “Just don’t claim you want monogamy if what you truly want is to enjoy sharing your body with multiple people,” he advises. “Be honest with yourself and others.

I relate to this on so many levels but the sentence that stood out the most for me was this: “When people are taught that love and security and meaning are derived from another person, it’s a recipe for failure.” 

While I am not sure if I was taught that, that's certainly what I believed with every fiber of my being up until last year. And every action I have ever taken in the area of relationships was due to this belief. 

What I must do now is identify what I truly want and be brutally honest with myself. I have always told myself that I want a long term, committed relationship and I still feel that I do but after reading this article, I am going to make sure that I am absolutely certain. 

Acceptance

Today I heard something that helped me more than anything has in quite some time. I have been missing my addiction a lot lately and struggling with obsessive thoughts about my most recent qualifier. To put it mildly, these thoughts frustrate me because I have been working hard on my recovery and it has been so long since I last had contact with him.
Therefore, I was so appreciative to hear someone elaborate on the sentence "gone for good". The context of the conversation was this: accepting what has happened in our life and letting go of those who have left it. This person remarked on how people always question if someone is gone for good and she said "Of course it's for good, it's definitely not for bad". I am glad I was in the right frame of mind this evening to hear this because this message meant so much to me. All of these men, these past qualifiers, are gone from my life for good and not for bad. I will be keeping this idea in the back of my mind when I start to miss one.

Melancholy and masturbation

Lately I have been struggling with a sense of melancholy and I can't pinpoint why. I do know that I have felt much more tired than I normally do and according to my Fitbit, that's because I have been getting less sleep. Lol. Perhaps part of the melancholy is due to lack of sleep but I am not sure that's the only reason. Because I can't determine a cause, I will just have to wait until it subsides.
In masturbation news, I have decided that I need that in my life. I have never excessively masturbated so there's that. Plus I am being mindful while masturbating not to engage in fantasies or watching porn. I am placing my entire focus on myself and the present. I made this decision on Saturday and the orgasm that I gave myself in 20 seconds was so intense and powerful, it made my eyes water! Welcome back, my dear friend, welcome back! I had noticed that my horniness was increasing to what I felt was an unsafe level so I decided to take matters into my own hands to alleviate the problem. 😉

Red flags continued...

As I mentioned in my blog yesterday, many love addicts are inadvertently attracted to narcissists. I know this from both personal and professional experience. So far, my personal experience has been most convincing to me. The 2 relationships in which my partner had me under the strongest spell were both with narcissists. There are many reasons why this is and I think that because each person is unique, his/her story is unique so there is not a "one size fits all" answer.
However, in my case, I have always been deeply attracted to confident, charming, and masculine men who seemed to have control of their own world. I welcomed the challenge of trying to "conquer" these men by winning their love and approval. With each successful battle I thought I had won, the exhilarating feelings never stopped. I could always depend on a hit of this type to keep me engaged in a relationship long after I should have left.
I have learned many things about all of these topics during my months of recovery. I think a great way to sum up the basic lesson is this: the next time that I feel an overpowering animal attraction to someone, I need to immediately turn and run the other way because without a doubt, this person will be bad news for me.

Beware red flags!

One of the things that us love addicts thrive on is to move very quickly when starting a new relationship. If our partner seems to share this impatience then we think that it's a sign that we have met our soulmate and God has given his official thumbs up to this union blessed by destiny and fate. Even better then when our partner utters words that are like music to our ears. These words could include: "I have never felt this way about anybody before", "We are perfect for each other", "This is the best sex I ever had", and my personal favorite "In the future, after we're married....insert whatever line of bullshit you want here." The last one that I fell pretty hard for happened a very short time after I met my most recent qualifier. He told me, "I could so easily fall in love with you". My insides melted and I was swept away. (Incidentally, we were having a conversation about how much I love to give blowjobs but whatever.)
My point to all of what I have written so far is this: people who are love addicts are attracted to a specific type of person that holds a special magnetism for them. Usually, but not always, a love addict's "perfect" partner happens to be none other than your friendly, neighborhood narcissist. I will continue with this in tomorrow's post. Stay tuned....

For Future Reference

I have done many crazy things over the years as part of my addiction however I think one of the worst things has been having sex with men that I just met. I did this in the hopes of "hooking them" with my sexual prowess and because I never learned a healthy way to begin a relationship. Well, I can certainly attest to the fact that in almost all cases, having sex too early will not only end your chances of having a relationship, it will decrease your self-esteem, self-dignity, and self-respect. I have been doing some research on this topic and I found the following informative and thought provoking article:

Why Sleeping With Him Too Soon Might Ruin Your Chance At True Love

By: Janet Ong Zimmerman, posted on yourtango.com

June 30, 2017

Jumping in the sack too quickly might send the wrong message.

New relationships are exciting, and there's big temptation to jump in the sack right off the bat.
But both conventional wisdom and experience show that having sex too soon increases the likelihood of ruining a potential relationship. Yet if you've fallen into the sticky trap of sleeping with someone too soon, even knowing that it's not in your best interest, you may have:

Gotten caught up in the moment

Mistaken sexual chemistry for more than what it is

Craved intimacy

Had sex for validation after a breakup or a dry spell

Used sex as leverage

Felt pressured and wanted to please the guy

Believed you could have a no-strings-attached relationship, only to later want a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship  

Thought you were the exception

 

Having sex too soon is actually fine — just make sure that both of you have the same understanding about the nature of your relationship. But if you want a real, long-term and committed relationship, having sex too soon sends the wrong signal to the guys you date.

What Happens After Having Sex With A Guy Too Soon

Hollywood movies perpetuate the fairy tale version of having sex too soon — girl meets boy, they have sex early on, something happens to tear them apart, and then boy comes back for girl.
In these fantasy movies, one-night stands become real relationships. We buy into the fantasy that having premature sex doesn't ruin a relationship when real life consistently shows us otherwise.
Are you thinking, "But I know a woman who has slept with a guy early on, and she's now married to him!"
Yes, it is possible to have sex with a guy too soon and have it turn into a lasting relationship. But this is the exception, and it's important to recognize that.

When you presume you're the exception, you do a disservice to yourself.
It's in your best interest to act like you're the rule and be pleasantly surprised if things work out differently.
Having sex too soon and hoping it will lead to a commitment is trading short-term urges for long-term desires. When a guy acts on his biological urge and you perceive it as love, feelings of doubt and confusion will set in.
You may ask yourself "Did I do the right or wrong thing?" or "Where do I stand with this guy?"
If you like him a lot, you'll behave and act in unflattering and desperate ways. Your self-esteem will take a hit because you'll have compromised your values and integrity to get him to desire you on a deeper level. In hindsight, these will be some of your most cringe-worthy moments.

If you find yourself in this situation, it's okay. The more important thing is to learn and grow from these experiences.

 
What You Can Do To Keep His Interest — Instead Of Having Sex Too Soon

Don't let a man who just wants to have sex with you pressure you into sleeping with him early on. It doesn't make him a bad guy if he wants to have sex with you — he is just being a guy, and many women let him get away with it.
Don't be a woman who has sex with a guy thinking that physicality will keep his interest. Most men seek sex for the immediate physical gratification.

Here's the good news: the beauty of being a woman is helping him see sex as more than a physical sensation. Set the pace by having sex only when you feel comfortable and ready.
Setting the pace isn't about playing games. It's about knowing what you want (i.e. a real relationship), then behaving and acting in ways that align with what you desire. If there's a guy you're interested in, let him woo you.
Take the time to learn about each other.
Discover what his values are, the kind of relationships he has with family and friends, how he views his job, life, and the world, why previous relationships haven't worked out, etc.

Let him learn who you are, what you're about, what you love and what's most important to you.
If he wants to have sex before you're ready, and the thought of being intimate with him appeals to you, you can acknowledge what he wants by saying something like, "I like who you are and want to continue to learn more about you. If things keep going in this direction with our dates, I can definitely see us being intimate."
If a guy doesn't stick around because you're not having sex when he wants it, he is not the one for you.
A high-quality man who really likes you will respect your wishes and wait for you.

 
The Ideal Time For Having Sex With A Guy

So when should you sleep with a guy? A one-size-fits-all answer does not exist. However, here are signs that point to the ideal time for having sex with a potential partner.

You connect on many levels

You feel good about yourself when you’re around him

You like who he is

You respect him

He treats you with respect

He does what he says he's going to do

He's not having sex with anyone else

There are no exes or women from the past in the picture

You both want the same kind of relationship

He is the kind of man you could see being in a real relationship with

Sex feels like the next natural progression

If you have sex, despite what happens, you'll have no regrets

Ultimately, having sex too soon rarely turns dates into a relationship. Send the right signals to guys you date by slowing things down until you learn you're truly compatible. When the time is right, the sex you have will be meaningful and more fulfilling on multiple levels.

Remember, a high-quality man will respect your wishes and wait until you are ready to have sex. 

It will always be a part of me

When I was reading my daily meditation this evening, I very much related to what was written. Today's entry was discussing how sex and love addiction is simply part of who we are, even if we are no longer acting out. For example, an alcoholic is still an alcoholic even if they have stopped drinking. To a greater or lesser extent, I will always have to battle against my sexual obsessions and fantasies. I have been noticing how this will be a lifelong struggle lately. I have not communicated with my most recent qualifier in over 9 months and in the past few days, I have been having the strongest cravings for him. Or I have been experiencing cravings for the addiction. Nevertheless, the results are the same. I have been frustrated with myself for having these cravings and obsessions after 9 months; I feel as if I shouldn't be having them anymore. But I should know that addictive compulsions do not have a time limit. I need to stop beating myself up and allowing myself to feel whatever I feel. My recovery will progress in the way it should and it will take as long as it's meant to. I cannot rush this, my future depends on it. Below is today's daily meditation for reference:

• AUGUST 15 •
A new broom is good for three days. — Italian proverb

We like to think that a new broom sweeps clean — once and for all. We zip through our program, and that’s it. No more worries. No more acting out. Home free! One of the reasons we introduce ourselves as sex addicts at our meetings is that we realize our illness will continue to be a part of who we are. Many of us can hardly remember a time before recovery when we weren’t addicted to sexual fantasies and acting out. This doesn’t mean we’re nothing but sex addicts — obviously we all lead varied lives and have unique personalities. But we are all subjected to the driving force of our obsessions and compulsions. We need to be equally persistent in our program. It’s no good dropping into meetings once every two months and treating our program like a club. We need to be tough, resolute, vigilant, and unfailingly honest if we are to get out from the shadow and shame of our addiction. And we need to be constantly coming back to the program for more help and support.

I know I need to be faithful to my program and vigilant with respect to my addiction

August 14

This evening I am utterly exhausted, my orientation for grad school was tonight so I got home late. I am going to share my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because I can relate to the general idea very much, especially lately. I have such a strong sex and love addiction that I have been leaning towards the possibility that I may never be able to have a healthy sexual relationship again. Maybe I am selling myself short by expecting way too much in too short a time. It's only been 9 months after all. Maybe one day I will have a healthy relationship including a truly intimate sexual relationship with someone whom I am truly in love with. Only time will tell.

AUGUST 14
The reduction of the universe to a single being, the expansion of a single being even to God, this is love. — Victor Hugo

There is a profound connection between sexuality and spirituality. Both are expressions of the deepest parts of who we are; both touch our core being. Many of the qualities we associate with spirituality may be experienced when we are sexual: transcendence, self-forgetfulness, ecstasy, union with another, integration of all of oneself. There is nothing to fear in exploring all the dimensions of sexuality: emotional, mental, physical, and, especially, spiritual. In the past we cut off our spiritual selves in order to be sexual. Now we no longer have to pay that price or suffer that deep disconnection. We can bring all of ourselves, including our spirituality, into our sexual expression. Both come from our Higher Power. As our recovery progresses, we will know at a deeper and deeper level that our sexuality is nothing to fear or avoid. The addiction cannot harm us when God is present and our bodies and spirits are united.

God, I trust you to guide me in the healthiest and highest expressions of my sexuality.

2 milestones and a look back

Today I celebrate not just one milestone but two! Today is both the 280th day and 40th week of my sobriety. I need to be writing about my progress because I have been missing my addiction the past few days. Mainly I miss physical contact and intimacy with another person. This has manifested itself in vivid dreams and intense physical craving and longing, needless to say, it's certainly been a challenge.
In order to help me gain some much needed perspective, I wanted to talk about my journal entry from 1 year ago. My journal details how ecstatically over the moon I was because my most recent qualifier had told me that he loved me via text message. His exact words were: " Lisa, I f*$#ing love you". Turns out, he was drunk when he sent it. A few hours after the text was sent, he drove drunk to my home from Buffalo. A 75 mile drive. Once he arrived, he proceeded to take me to my bedroom where he was sweet, sensual, and passionate and looked me in the eye right before we began to have sex and told me he loved me again. 10 hours later he was traveling back to Buffalo because he "had to get back for his son". Later on that afternoon, he agreed that we should become "Facebook official". At this point, I had known him for a total of 2 months. How special I felt that he went through all of this trouble just to come see me and how romantic I thought he was by telling me he loved me right before sex AND while looking me in the eye. After all, if you look someone in the eye, that means you are not lying and what you speak is the truth, right?! Come on, right?!?!
You're not even close, darling. Not even close.....

Multiple addictions

Well, I had my first meeting with my sponsor tonight and to say I am overwhelmed would be putting it lightly. I reviewed my bottom lines with her and we decided that no masturbation and no pornography would go on my 90 day list of bottom lines.
After discussing my pattern of drinking with her, she informed me that she thought I was an alcoholic not because of how often I drink but because of my actions when I do drink, primarily binge drinking to alter my consciousness. And as a result of that, no drinking is now on my list of bottom lines because drinking and acting out in sex and love addiction go hand in hand, which does make sense. I guess I am not really surprised to be defined as an alcoholic however I don't really like the fact that label applies to me. It's easy to tell my dad that he is one, it's entirely different to accept that I am one myself. My sponsor suggested that as well as working the SLAA steps, I start attending AA meetings in my local area as well. I will do my best to follow all of her suggestions because I want to do everything in my power to be as successful in these programs as I can be! One day at a time....

The positive results keep coming!

Last night I went out with college/work friends and it was quite an interesting night, to say the least. For one thing, I got completely drunk which was fun at the time but not fun this morning. Anyone who is a sex and love addict knows how hard it is to maintain sobriety while drinking in a bar, especially surrounded by people you are attracted to.
With all of that being said, I can honestly say that last night was the first time I have gone out and gotten trashed and not made numerous unhealthy decisions. There was an attractive guy sitting at my table who offered me his vape. I asked if it had nicotine in it and when he said it did, I politely declined. Before my recovery, I would have taken what was offered even if I hated myself for it later. The purpose of that would be to make a man like you. Um yeah, that doesn't work and my actions finally reflect self-respect and pride in myself.
Another situation happened as well. A very attractive bearded man asked if I would come home with him and his girlfriend. I told him that I deserve more than being second best and I wasn't interested. The conversation spiraled out of control, as it often does in bars at 1:30am. At one point, I told him to get fucked. Thankfully my friend was there to de-escalate the situation.
In summary, I am extremely proud of myself for maintaining self-respect and being true to myself. I did not break any of my bottom lines and I stood up for myself. I think all in all, the night was a smashing success!

Day #280

Today is another milestone day. This one is absolutely unbelievable to me. Today marks 280 days since I last had sex. Not only would I never have believed this possible but I never would have believed how fantastic I feel about it either!. Before when I have taken a break from sex, I was full of self pity and emptiness, just waiting and itching for that opportunity to jump back in and get the unhealthy pattern started all over again. I am so extremely blessed and grateful to be where I am in Program and recovery. On Sunday night, I am scheduled to speak with my sponsor for the first time. I am both excited and thrilled to get the process started! Wish me luck!

August 9

I am posting a daily meditation from Answers in the Heart this evening for 2 reasons: the first one is that I am tired, the second is because I very much related to the sentence that refers to old, comfortable habits dying hard. I have been battling my urges to objectify men, looking at them solely based on their physical appeal to me. I know that's my addiction coming out. Also, it could be a result of my celibate, masturbation free life now. Lol

• AUGUST 9 •
Art is meant to disturb. — Georges Braque

Many great artists were neglected or even abused during their lifetime because their work was considered too provocative. Painters like Van Gogh, poets like Blake or Poe, and novelists like James Joyce were pushed out to the margins of society because their vision was too disturbing. Most of us like a comfortable life, and those of us who are addicted to one high or another may not want to be troubled by new ways of seeing and imagining the world. Yet the day comes when our addiction no longer satisfies us and we long for a new vision and version of our lives. Art can help us in our recovery. Art allows us to change our way of looking and living, even if at first the change is disturbing. Like artists, we can create new images and new patterns for our lives. At first, it may be painful. Old, comfortable habits die hard. But as we move forward step-by-step in our program, we come to see that it’s exciting to be on the move and even at the frontier of new creative endeavors. Creativity, after all, comes from loving ourselves and others.

I can see that my new life will be full of the unknown, but that is what can make it exciting and creative.

Signs of progress

Today I realized that I have been making much more progress than I ever realized. I had an appointment with my therapist, whom I adore. I have been seeing her for about 14 months so she has been a part of my life throughout my recovery. She saw me at my worst last year, struggling with obsessions, fantasies, and making unhealthy decisions.
Therefore, imagine my pride and surprise when we both agreed to not schedule another session because she will be discharging me. She informed me that I have met my goals and I am able to provide myself with all of the feedback and validation that I need. Also, given the fact that I will be starting graduate school in a few weeks, my discharge is timely because I will need all of the free time I can get.
I am extraordinarily proud of myself and I can't believe how far I have come in the last 9 months. The sky is the limit!!!

Sometimes there are qualifiers everywhere

Past qualifiers or reminders of past qualifiers sometimes pop up when we least expect them. For example, I wrote last week about having to contact a previous qualifier as part of my job duties. Well, during that call, he flirted with me and did everything in his power to hook me back in, even stating at the end of the call that I should feel free to contact him whenever I wanted. (He's married too. Ugh!) I had no intention of doing so and he must have sensed that because he called my office phone again yesterday and left a voicemail. I will not be returning his call of course.
Another example of this happened last night. I was reviewing my blocked list on Facebook and for whatever reason I don't understand, Facebook allows you to see both the current name and profile picture of the person you blocked. Well, my recent qualifier is on that list and I saw that he no longer has a profile picture. I have looked at my blocked list one time before since we stopped communicating and he had a picture at that time. Of course, that got my wheels turning. I wondered if he deleted his account and created a new one or what was going on. I successfully fought the urge to search his name on Facebook because that's one of my bottom lines. I just hate that I have such a visceral reaction to just seeing his name.
And to top it all off, there is a guy that goes to my gym that looks a lot like my most recent qualifier. Naturally he was at the gym this evening, looking all hot and stuff. But for the first time, I did see a wedding ring on his finger so that helped to put things in perspective. The struggle is real, my friends, the struggle is real!

9 months in recovery!!!

Today I am beyond thrilled to report that I have been sober from sex and love addiction for 9 months! I cannot articulate how grateful, proud, and content I am right now with my recovery. I never dreamed when I started this journey how much serenity and grace this program would bring me. I remember the first several months were like torture for me; there were many times that I honestly thought I couldn't make it. Thanks in part to my family and friends who listened to me vent and complain, I somehow made it through. I think the person I sought out support from the most was my mom. She truly was my rock.
To help me realize how far I have truly come, I just read my journal entries from exactly 1 year ago. What a change!! One year ago tomorrow I started my current job but instead of discussing that, I wrote about how wonderful my latest qualifier was because he actually took the time to call me! When I wasn't directly talking about him, I was talking about related topics like how horny I was (evidently everyday!) or how much anxiety I was experiencing with this glorious relationship (I had anxiety practically everyday!)
I am so blessed that I found SLAA and more importantly, got myself back. I will put myself first from here on out, never again allowing anyone to disrespect me or treat me badly. One day at a time....

August 5

For my blog post this evening, I am sharing my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart. I am absolutely exhausted, I busted my butt both yesterday and today getting things done outside. When I was mowing the grass this afternoon, a bee stung me 3 separate times in separate locations. Good Lord, did that hurt?! Plus I saw 2 snakes. Okay, 3 stings, 2 snakes, I am out! *mic drop*

• AUGUST 5 •
Anger as soon as fed is dead ’Tis starving makes it fat. — Emily Dickinson

Many sex addicts have a problem with anger. We may have been sexually abused, neglected, or battered as children, and we may turn that abuse against ourselves or others in a vicious, repetitive cycle. We need to talk about incidents that still torment us, and get angry at those who abused us. If we have been victimized, we are likely to go on being victims until we fight our way out of those early situations. Often, we can only do that by giving ourselves permission to vent anger as an affirmation of our self-worth, and not a contradiction of all we have been taught about being tolerant, forgiving, and peace-loving. It is possible to hate the deed but to forgive the doer. We have the right to hate what happened to us, we have the right to be angry at people for their aggressive, hurtful acts, while being ready to forgive them as people who need love just as much as we do. If we keep our anger back, it will fester and come out in mean and petty ways. Let’s not starve our anger, or it will rob us of our dignity and serenity.

I do have things to be angry about, and it is healthy for me to get angry at people when they abuse and humiliate me.

Love Addiction Cycle

I found this informative and perfectly descriptive article about the love addiction cycle on loveaddictionhelp.com. This is a website maintained by an extremely knowledgeable man named Jim Hall.

Love Addiction Cycle

When a Love Addict and Love Avoidant come together to form a romantic relationship--- a common and predictable cycle is ignited. It is an addictive process I call the Love Addiction Relationship Cycle. As you'll see, this cycle demonstrates how the love addict and avoidant begin, then move through the phases of an addictive relationship together. It's a toxic cycle which encompasses a distressful 'push-pull dance' full of emotional highs mixed with many lows, where the Love Addict is on the chase and the Love Avoidant is on the run.

The exhilarating “highs” in this cycle is most prominent in the beginning of an addictive relationship. As this Addictive Relationship Cycle progresses, anxiety over the level of closeness or distance drives both the pursuer (love addict) and distancer (avoidant) in a 'crazy making yo-yo dance'-- sooner or later, resulting in both partners feeling distressed, depressed, and miserable in the relationship, particularly the love addict if withdrawal occurs. 

What drives this toxic relationship cycle?

The short answer: this cycle is driven by the love addicts strong fear of abandonment, which clashes with a love avoidants strong fear of intimacy. When the love avoidant senses the love addicts desire for closeness and intimate connection, it triggers their strong fear of intimacy-- for an avoidant, intimacy is equal to being engulfed, stifled, and controlled. * Note: Love avoidants also have an underlying fear of abandonment. And Love Addicts have an underlying fear of intimacy. These core fears drive the repellent forces of each partner, thus creating the toxic love addiction cycle (below).

The Love Addiction Cycle

LOVE AVOIDANTLOVE ADDICT
1. Attraction- high intensity ("chemistry"); immediate urge to rush.
Comes on strong; facade of availability & strength, connects with emotional walls; seductive, charming, flattering; says things to make other feel special/unique; may make promises; idealizes; gets “high” from others neediness, vulnerability.
Adores attention; feels important, validated & special from attention given; fantasy triggered- intoxicating “high”; obsession triggered; denies reality- ignores red-flags; idealizes-- "He/she is perfect", Magical “Prince”or “Princess “; sees other as strong, more powerful. 
2. The relationship progresses- inevitably, energy/intensity decrease; early phase of push-pull dynamics.

Still engaged, but less idealizing; "high" dissipates; less attention/focus; begins to feel discomfort from partners attempts to create more connection and closeness; slowly begins pulling away with subtle distancing tactics to avoid 
intimacy/vulnerability.   
Completely preoccupied and obsessed; and
“hooked”; obsession and fantasy intensifies; 
dependency skyrockets; abandons outside
interests, goals, friends/family; increases
attempts to keep intensity, “high” maintained;
denies emotional partners unavailability/walls.
3. Push-pull dance significantly increases (drama triangle also begins here).
Feelings of engulfment/suffocation by partners attempts to connect intensifies- dramatic increase in evading intimate contact, push partner away (walls); increased focus away/outside
relationship.  
Begins more and more to notice partners walls,
distancing behaviors; anxiety and discomfort arise.
Obsession and denial deepen; escalates attempts
to connect- may manipulate, demand, control in
attempts to re-capture “high” (attention), 
relationship intensity.
4. Push-pull /drama dance in full force; La- pursuing desperately; Av- pulling away desperately
Avoidance/walls, distancing behaviors at its height- evading intimacy through tactics of resentment, anger, deflection, blame; looks down on partner, perceives as “weak”,
"needy", "sensitive" as partner seeks intimate contact; ; becomes more critical, abusive; may increase use of compulsive behaviors/addiction outside relationship for intensity/”high”. 
Denial of partner breaking- fantasy crumbling;
sense of shock, disbelief of partners walls;
triggered feelings of rejection, panic, depression; intense rise of obsession; bargains, blames self
for partners behaviors;  placates more, tolerates
more, gives and does more, to attain fantasy
and get back relationship, "the way it use to be”. 
5. Various scenarios occur at this point of the cycle
INSIDE RELATIONSHIP:
Avoidant may occasionally give attention/focus to love addict partner desires (recreating intensity)-- this is often done out of guilt and/or fear partner will leave. However, turning toward their partner is shortlived.

Eventually avoidant (again) fears of intimacy are triggered, feels engulfed from partners desire for closeness-- pushes partner away by utilizing common distancing tactics.
Love addict feels “high”/ relieved from avoidants 
momentary attention/focus to relationship;
fantasy/hopes reignited, fuels further denial of
reality of the avoidant partner.

When love addict (again) notices avoidant
disengage-- fantasy crumbles; triggered feelings of distress, anxiety, panic, abandonment; attempts to 
regain fantasy/attention from partner; the tight grip
of denial continues. 
 
 
RELATIONSHIP ENDS:
Avoidant leaves relationship (blames partner for relationship failure), moves on
to repeat the same cycle with another love addict; and/or engages in addiction/compulsion
(sex, gambling, drugs,
alcohol, etc.)
Love addict enters withdrawal-- quickly seeks out
another relationship and repeats the same cycle with another love avoidant; or medicates with another addiction to escape emotional pain-- at the same
time craving and obsession of ex-partner continues;
in addition to owning all responsibility for failure of relationship.
OR... at some point:

Love Addict may leave relationship
A love addict may leave the relationship as they become so burned out from chasing their partner; and tired of the pain and “craziness” of the relationship. Still, because of the loss of the fantasy (the real drug), withdrawal will occur; and again, the love addict may quickly seek another relationship to repeat the same cycle, or medicate with another addiction. * And for the lucky ones, decide to get help, enter recovery to change their relationship patterns, the way they love, and who they love (encouraged!)
Avoidant may try returning
In response to the Love addict leaving, the Avoidant may experience withdrawal- triggering pain/abandonment-- and decide to seduce, charm, and convince the love addict to return to him/her ...    
They may revert back to "the person they were in the beginning",  by ‘giving’ loads of attention, compliments, making new promises, apologizing for wrongs, etc. ...
This often invigorates the love addict’s fantasy, all over again-- Love Addict returns to
relationship ... CYCLE CONTINUES ALL OVER AGAIN.

Secure vs. Insecure Relationship Cycle

In a healthy/secure relationship— a couple cycles between engaging in intimate closeness and then mutually withdrawing to integrate into their respective senses of self. Put another way-- they engage in healthy equilibrium through periods of connection, disconnection, and reconnection resembling a healthy dance. It’s the natural ebb and flow of secure and loving partnerships... it is a healthy dance.
In comparison-- in the insecure/toxic love-addicted relationship with a love addict and avoidant, the couple becomes asynchronous in closeness and distance, and the cycle between the two partners become polarized in opposite roles, repeatedly creating the drama-filled, toxic cycle... or 'toxic dance'. 

This poisonous dependency cycle is a perpetuating roller coaster ride for both partners-- and can go back and forth for months, years, or decades. And it's important to keep in mind, even if the relationship cycle ends with one partner, the love addict andavoidant will move on to find another romantic relationship to repeat the cycle with. People can go through their whole lives repeating this cycle in romantic relationships.

Help to Break Free from the Love Addiction Cycle

With solid recovery work and specific treatment of love addiction, unhealthy-dysfunctional relationship patterns can change. Dealing with the core underlying issues that drive love addiction, you can make profound changes in the way you love. And step by step, you can grow into a secure, self-loving, mature adult who no longer gets sucked into unhealthy relational cycles, but instead allows love and intimacy and mutual connection that you deserve.

Renewed relationships with myself and others

While I was brushing my teeth this evening, I was thinking about how much my relationships with loved ones have improved since my recovery began. Moreover, the more recovery time I have behind me, the stronger those relationships get.
A prime example of this is my relationship with my mother. Last summer, during a period of my most active addiction, my mom and I took a road trip to Michigan. It was a complete and unmitigated disaster. We bickered and fought during various times of the trip, saying some vicious, nasty, and hurtful things to one another. But the worst was yet to come: the drive home. We got into our biggest and nastiest fight of all time. Matter of fact, we went several weeks without even speaking to one another.
Today our relationship is the strongest and closest that it has ever been and the only thing that has changed is that I am now in recovery. Neither of our personalities or personal characteristics have undergone a drastic change in the past year. Nor has anything else happened that could have changed things so dramatically. I was always on edge when I was acting out: irritated, anxious, miserable, and difficult to be around. I am now fully present in my relationships with those that mean the most to me including my mom, son, and best friend. I also have much more energy to devote to my job, hobbies, and other passions. I thank God everyday that He brought SLAA into my life; without this wonderful program, I shudder to think about where I could have ended up or what I would have became.

Qualities of my Ideal Man

At the suggestion of a very special person in my life, I wrote out the qualities of my ideal man and placed this list in my Bible. The idea behind this is that when the time is right, God will allow this person to enter your life. I wrote this list on October 23, 2017, which was even before my recovery in SLAA began.


My ideal man must meet the following physical requirements: tall (over 6 feet), big hands, hairy chest and arms, beard, short hair, can weigh anywhere between 200-250, any color eyes, deep voice, and a great laugh. In summary, I want to be attracted to my partner and the qualities I have listed above are clearly qualities that I am attracted to. I require that my ideal man live in my local area, be intelligent, have motivation, ambition, and clear and concise goals that he aspires to meet on a daily basis. Must have some type of education beyond high school and believe in God (no more atheists please!!!) He must also love football, be health conscious, and participate in routine physical fitness. I will not tolerate a man who smokes or chews tobacco. Must be affectionate, a good listener, and empathetic. Must have a good sense of humor and be kind to both himself and others. Must be honest and NEVER cruel. Must not be emotionally unstable, have anger problems nor double standards. Must not have an active drug or alcohol problem. Someone in recovery is fine as long as they are working their program and are serious about recovery. Must like animals, particularly cats. Must be romantic, considerate, and conscientious. My ideal man is someone that is optimistic and positive but not boring nor dull. I am looking for someone who is tolerant of others and has a liberal political view. I am looking for someone who likes history, travel, and dance. I want to find someone who is actually emotionally available to love and be loved and will show me this when he makes love to me. I have had so much meaningless sex in my lifetime;  I am so over it. I want to see what meaningful is all about. I want to find someone who is truly interested in what I have to say and wants to know details about me and my life. I will accept nothing less than someone who accepts and loves my son. He is part of the package, if any man comes along and doesn't like this, then too bad, there's the door, BUH-bye now.
I would love to find a man who my family/friends approve of and like. I have yet to find this which is pretty astonishing at my age. I want someone who treats me with respect and loves and accepts me for exactly who I am at this moment. I won't have to chase or play games with my ideal man. I want to share my hopes and dreams with this man, find a true partner in every sense of the word. I want someone to listen when I am sad, upset, or struggling with something. I wish to be able to discuss my issues with my dad, mental illness, and addictions without fear that he will judge and/or abandon me. I am looking for someone who will compliment me and help me to grow to become a better version of myself.  I want to find a man that I could easily fall in love with and more importantly, STAY in love with. I want to experience a healthy relationship, one that will show me that being in love does not mean being in pain. Last but not least, I want a man who will give me my dream wedding which is not lavish nor expensive in the least. I just want a meaningful wedding with someone I am truly in love with and vice versa.
I know that many people in my life feel that I am too picky when it comes to my standards but I used to literally have no standards and look at how that turned out. I am willing to be patient and wait as long as it takes. When God determines I am ready to experience true love, He will give it to me. Of that, I have no doubt.

Baptism and God's help

Today was the day of my baptism and I couldn't be happier. Everyone at my church is so kind and welcoming and they made my special day all the more special! I now feel ever more confident in both my recovery and my future, knowing that God walks with me. I found a very good article that discusses love addiction and how God can help you develop healthy relationships and break free of this toxic addiction. 

Trade Addictive Relationships for True Love

Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Stephen Arterburn's book, When You Love Too Much, (Regal Books, 2004).

Do you seek love through a fantasy world of infatuation? Does the idea of forbidden romance intoxicate you? Do you often find that an obsession with sex overtakes all other parts of your life? Do you crave intimacy, yet hide your true self from others?

If so, you may be addicted to romance, relationships, or sex. Such an addiction prevents you from obtaining what you need the most – true love. But, if you stop letting your emotions control you and surrender your life to God, you can break free of destructive patterns and discover the joy of healthy relationships.

Here’s how you can trade addictive relationships for true love:

Understand the differences between healthy and unhealthy love. Realize that healthy love: is reality-based, completes another, finds a friend, sacrifices, is patient, is kind, is forgiving, doesn’t hold grudges, is born out of security, is vulnerable, is allowed to develop, is gentle, is honest, and is satisfied. In contrast, unhealthy love: is fantasy-based, seeks to be completed, seeks a victim, demands sacrifice, is impatient, is rude, is resentful, seeks revenge, is born out of fear, is defensive, is pressed to perform, is combative, is deceitful, and is restless.

Shift your focus. Recognize that the source of your problems is self-obsession. Understand that, as much as you desire intimacy, you can’t achieve it if you continue to focus on your feelings and how to try to gratify yourself. Look to the biblical model of healthy love, where the focus is on giving rather than receiving. Ask God to help you shift your focus from your own desires, needs, and hurts to those of other people.

Stop pretending. Don’t hide behind an image anymore. Ask God to give you the courage to be open and honest with others about who you really are. Seek to discover who other people truly are rather than projecting an idealized image onto them to use them to try to meet your own needs.

Understand how your background has affected you. Think and pray about your childhood and other past experiences that may have contributed to you developing unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. Consider whether you learned poor communication patterns that encouraged you to keep secrets, whether your feelings were acknowledged or denied when you tried to express them, and whether you learned how to trust other people. Once you understand how your background has affected you, use that knowledge to equip you to do think and act better in the future. Never blame your current problems on your past or believe that there’s nothing you can do to change your situation. Instead, once you uncover the sources of your problems, decide to deal with them head-on, with God’s help.

Take responsibility for your choices. Resolve to live as a mature adult, taking responsibility for your choices and the consequences that result from them. Acknowledge that you need to replace unhealthy dependency on other people with healthy surrender to God’s will.

Consider the high cost of addiction.Think about what your addiction is costing you, and let that knowledge motivate you to pursue healing. Consider such consequences as: time lost from family, work, and other pursuits; a tarnished reputation; shattered self-respect; financial burdens (money spent on pornography, prostitution, new clothing, etc.); emotional strain; physical consequences (exhaustion, stress, unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.); family dislocation (estrangement from spouse and children, separation, divorce, children growing up vulnerable to addiction); job loss, alienation of friends; and legal consequences.

Consider the benefits of recovery.Know that committing to the hard work of recovery will ultimately enable you to experience genuine love, discover true intimacy, fill the aching void inside, grasp the meaning of life, and find union with God.

Ask yourself if you’re ready for recovery. Consider whether or not you’ve hit “bottom” with your addiction – the place where you can clearly see the terrible reality of your situation and decide to take the steps necessary to change. Honestly ask yourself questions such as: “Are you ready to change?”, “How bad will it have to get before you are ready?”, “At what point would you admit that you’re out of control?”, “How much pain are you willing to endure for the sake of your problem?”, “How much are you prepared to lose in the pursuit of your addiction?”, “Are you comfortable with your life as it is, or would you like to see a change?”, “Would your life be better or worse without your addiction?”, “What would you be willing to do to get free?”, “When will enough be enough? After five years of agony? After the collapse of your career? Your marriage? Your family?”, “and “Are you comfortable with the prospect of a life lived in isolation from others? Even from God?”

Accept your own powerlessness.Don’t deny your own inability to control your life, no matter how much you’d like to be able to do so. Instead, admit your human weaknesses and realize that God can use your weaknesses to make you strong when you open yourself up to His power. Invite God to unleash His power in your life. Recognize that God is the central figure in the recovery process. Ask Him to give you the faith you need to believe that He will help you find a new meaning and purpose for your life. Determine to surrender every part of your life to God’s care, trusting that He can handle everything much better than you can. Realize that the goal of recovery isn’t merely to cope with your problems, but to become spiritually changed – reborn into God’s will and plan.

Confess your sins. Rob your secrets of their destructive power by bringing them out into the open. Confess each of your sins to God. Confess your sins to others, humbly acknowledging that you have manipulated other people for your own pleasure in the past. Join a support group or build friendships with a few others who are struggling to recover from the same issues you are, so you can hold each other accountable and encourage each other.

Embrace forgiveness. Know that forgiveness will help you resolve the past and clear the path toward a better future. Accept the forgiveness that God offers you after you confess your sins to Him. Release other people from the anger, resentment, and hatred you’ve harbored against them. Trust that you can live in the confidence that God will no longer hold your sins against you if you’ve asked His forgiveness and shown forgiveness to others who have hurt you.

Be accountable. Ask God to help you unlearn destructive ways of relating to people and learn how to relate to them in new, healthy ways. Take concrete action to make amends for past wrongs whenever you can.

Look outward. Look beyond yourself and your own life toward God and other people. Focus yourself outwardly to gain genuine love for them.

Be patient with yourself. Realize that you can’t take shortcuts in recovery; the process demands plenty of time. Be aware that hunger, anger, loneliness, or fatigue can trigger a relapse into addictive behavior. Don’t expect too much too soon. Instead, simply ask yourself each day: “What can I do today to become the person I want to be tomorrow?”. Live in the present – not the past or future.

Ground yourself in reality. Shift your focus from the world as you imagine it to be to the world as it actually is. Give up the fantasy high of immediate gratification to the strenuous yet rewarding task of building authentic relationships. Stop trying to take what you want in relationships and start making sacrifices for those you love.

Develop consistency in the midst of change. Defer major life changes (such as moving, marrying, starting a new job, or having a baby) for at least a year after beginning the recovery process, so you can fully devote your time and energy to recovering. Set a reliable schedule and routine to follow.

Find mentors. Seek out a few people who have already recovered from the same issues with which you’re struggling. Ask them to give you the guidance and support you need for your own journey.

Stay sober. Understand that, although you can’t avoid people as a recovering alcoholic can avoid alcohol, you can establish and maintain a balanced lifestyle. When you’re considering a particular way of relating to people, honestly ask yourself: “Will I later have to deny that I did it?”, “Is it self-centered?”, “Is it abusive to myself or to others?”, “Is it inconsistent with my values?”, “Would I refuse to do it if Christ were standing here with me?”, “Is it an action without an underlying commitment?”, “Will I feel better or worse about myself for having done it?”, “Will someone else feel worse for my having done it?”, “Is this a waste of my time or the time of others?”, and “Am I doing this to escape painful feelings of reality?” Pay attention to red flags that come up in your answers, and renew your commitment not to pursue relationships that are exploitive or addictive.