I just came across the best article on Psychologytoday.com about the core lessons of love. This is useful knowledge for everyone to have, regardless if you're a sex and love addict.
4 Core Lessons of Love
I don't know how to date, but here are four things I've learned so far.
Posted Nov 26, 2017
So this is the longest stretch I’ve been single. For most of my life, I’ve been in relationships: A three-year deal. A 10-year deal. A two-year deal. Another three-year deal. Then a few months-long deals. I know, I shouldn’t call them deals. It’s minimizing and strips away The Notebooktrailer we see in our heads. But you are technically making a deal with someone when you choose to invest and build something, right? And I think that’s why dating is so hard. Because what’s the deal? There really isn’t one. It’s a crapshoot. Throwing dice. Going with the flow, fingers crossed. It’s like driving to a place you don’t have an address for, but you kind of know where it is. You’ve never been there, but you think you know the area, and so you just go. I’m not used to that. I’m used to Waze—knowing there is a destination and getting there fast.
I usually meet someone, feel chemistry, get on the same page, and suddenly I’m in a relationship. But all of them have expired. So this time, I made a promise to myself to just “date.” Don’t move so fast. Draw experiences with the entire box of crayons, if that makes sense. But now that I’ve been dating for a while, I’m realizing that the crayons are broken, and I have no idea how to draw. It’s the Wild West out there. Dating is a chaotic roller coaster with no safety bar to hold onto.
What does it even mean to "date" today? I’m not going to get into how people meet; I’m talking about the unfolding process—in one word, exploring. Peeling layers. Getting to know each other. Asking someone to dance, and seeing how much you’re stepping on each other’s shoes. Is it a good fit? Do you have things in common? Do you both have tools to build something? Then there’s chemistry and magic and all that stuff that isn’t covered in self-help books. Leasing with an option to buy. That’s what dating is, simply put. But some people are leasing multiple cars. Some are stealing them, taking them for joy rides, and leaving them on the side of the road.
Because of what I do, there’s extra pressure. I should be an “expert” at this. But therapists have just as many, if not more, “issues” than our clients: John Kim is impatient. Always wants to put things in a box. Doesn’t know how to explore. But also puts pressure on himself because of what he does. If you’re a fitness coach, your fitness standards are higher. If you’re a nutritionist, you’re probably not going through drive-throughs at midnight. So because I’m a relationship coach, I’m in my head a lot. It blocks me from being present. And that’s the number-one thing that will strip anyone of any experience.
But here’s what I’m learning:
1. Dating can actually be rewarding.
No, that’s not a typo. What makes dating feel like water torture are expectations, timelines, outcomes, game playing, judgment, pressure, not communicating (leaving people in the dark), and checklists. If we approach dating without these things — I’m not saying it’s easy — dating can actually be rewarding, and meaningful to your growth. Because people are meant to collide, and through these collisions, there is tremendous learning.
It’s all the attachments we paper clip to dating that prevent us from tasting the true nectar of human collisions. Instead we hold up shields, blame, get disappointed, triggered, react, and, of course, get hurt.
But there’s no way around the last one. The buy-in to dating is a risk of getting hurt. This is a pill I’ve struggled to swallow, because I don’t want to get hurt, but I especially don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want people to be angry at me, disappointed, or feel that I’m not who I portray online. There is ego there, but there is also heart. There’s no way around it: Hurt comes with any human exchange.
I’ve gone on many dates over the last two years, some lasting for a cup of coffee, and others for a few weeks or a couple months. But there was learning in every collision. Every person one dates doesn’t have to turn into a full-blown relationship for it to be meaningful. When you look at it this way, you can take the pressure off and leave room for it to be a human experience, possibly a spiritual one, and it’s easier to not make it about the ego, and how things should play out — because at the end of the day, no one really knows. So rejection doesn’t have to be rejection: It just wasn’t a good fit. The value isn’t in the outcome; it’s in the experience, like anything in life.
And that’s what I think we should put the weight on — experiences. Without judgment and expectations. Dating is two people having a shared experience. That’s always a gift, no matter how short-lived, as long as your intentions are good, and you are open to learning and growing.
If not, dating can harden you, and discourage you, because people judge. They project. They don’t communicate. People get scared, and scared people always punch first.
It is a choice to see dating as growth soil instead of a battlefield.
2. Try to take in someone’s essence — their soul.
Yes, we have types and preferences, and we’re attracted to what we’re attracted to. Be open, but stop fighting it. It’s okay to like what you like. But really focus on and take in someone’s essence — the true core of who they are — because that doesn’t change. Everything else can, and probably will.
Two souls collide, orchestrated by the universe, every one with a story, and learning about oneself, others, and human connection. Without judgment and labels. Then, dating can be a beautiful thing. It’s a choice to look at it this way, and if it doesn’t work out, to continue to throw love at them. You don’t have to be in their daily lives, but there’s no need to treat people like they’re disposable. That’s why dating has become scary and dreadful: People are horrible to each other if things don’t work out. Just because it wasn’t meant to be, doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant. Read that again. There is always meaning. You just have to find it.
When you seek someone’s soul, you’re getting a more accurate picture of who they really are, and then it’s easier to be kind if things don’t work out.
3. How they treat you is everything.
If they don’t treat you well in the beginning, you shouldn’t even consider them. Remember, it’s the little things: Are they considerate? Do they return your calls/texts? Do they say thank you? Do they communicate? Are they thoughtful? Or is everything about them? These little things become huge when you’re in a relationship. If you’re getting treated like a movie extra in their blockbuster film now, that’s probably how you’ll be treated in the relationship. Dating is foreshadowing, because people don’t change until they have to, and you don’t want to wait until someone has to change; at that point, it’s usually too late.
4. Trust the universe.
I struggle with this one, because I want to control everything. But I’ve learned that sometimes I needed the experience I received from that person, and vice versa, at that point in my/our lives. And maybe we needed that specific experience to shift our thinking or learn something about ourselves — what we want or don’t want, or we just needed it without any reason. One can argue: Well, then, you’re just using each other. I don’t see it that way, because if you feel used, there is pain there. As long as your intentions are in the right place and you’re communicating, no one is getting used, or hurt.
At the end of the day, yes, dating is difficult. It’s scary. But it’s a part of life. We’ve all been hurt, rejected, ignored, and ghosted. Keep your heart open and continue to collide, knowing that there's learning and growth in each collision. And trust that one of them will turn into something more.
Life is all about your mindset: If you stay closed due to fear, no one will know you. But more importantly, you will not know yourself. So use dating as a way to know yourself. That’s not selfish; it’s the only way to look at it, so it’s an enjoyable, meaningful, life-changing experience.
I will continue to date.
I will continue to communicate.
I will continue to seek souls.
I will stop being responsible for other people’s feelings, because we all know the risk is hurt.
I will start being easier on myself because of what I do.
And I will do my best to be fully present, creating a space to meet souls instead of going on “dates.”
And I will wash my car.
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