It will always be a part of me

When I was reading my daily meditation this evening, I very much related to what was written. Today's entry was discussing how sex and love addiction is simply part of who we are, even if we are no longer acting out. For example, an alcoholic is still an alcoholic even if they have stopped drinking. To a greater or lesser extent, I will always have to battle against my sexual obsessions and fantasies. I have been noticing how this will be a lifelong struggle lately. I have not communicated with my most recent qualifier in over 9 months and in the past few days, I have been having the strongest cravings for him. Or I have been experiencing cravings for the addiction. Nevertheless, the results are the same. I have been frustrated with myself for having these cravings and obsessions after 9 months; I feel as if I shouldn't be having them anymore. But I should know that addictive compulsions do not have a time limit. I need to stop beating myself up and allowing myself to feel whatever I feel. My recovery will progress in the way it should and it will take as long as it's meant to. I cannot rush this, my future depends on it. Below is today's daily meditation for reference:

• AUGUST 15 •
A new broom is good for three days. — Italian proverb

We like to think that a new broom sweeps clean — once and for all. We zip through our program, and that’s it. No more worries. No more acting out. Home free! One of the reasons we introduce ourselves as sex addicts at our meetings is that we realize our illness will continue to be a part of who we are. Many of us can hardly remember a time before recovery when we weren’t addicted to sexual fantasies and acting out. This doesn’t mean we’re nothing but sex addicts — obviously we all lead varied lives and have unique personalities. But we are all subjected to the driving force of our obsessions and compulsions. We need to be equally persistent in our program. It’s no good dropping into meetings once every two months and treating our program like a club. We need to be tough, resolute, vigilant, and unfailingly honest if we are to get out from the shadow and shame of our addiction. And we need to be constantly coming back to the program for more help and support.

I know I need to be faithful to my program and vigilant with respect to my addiction