Love has nothing to do with it

I stumbled across this article on MysticalRaven.com and couldn't resist sharing it:

Why He Won’t Let You Go, Even When He Doesn’t Want You

 April 21, 2017 Admin

“He won’t let me go” I have heard this so many times from women who come to me for advice. In the midst of battling the reasons whether they should stay in their relationship or if it is time to walk away, they find comfort in believing that the man must love them because he refuses to bow out peacefully.

A lot of times what is really happening is that you’re just too darn convenient. You are too beneficial to this man for him to dare let you walk away. We all see women everyday who basically are the mothers to the men they are with. They do it all and physical benefits are included. They take care of everything, carry the financial burden, and allow the man to get away with way too much. He can cheat on her and disrespect her. He can break her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Yet because he insists that he wants to be with you when you’re ready to leave you actually start to buy into the “he won’t let me go, so he must love me” perception.

If he really loved you he would not do half the things I just listed. He would not wait until you’re ready to leave to finally step up his game (he will step it up long enough to reel you back in but then it is back to the same old negative behavior). If he actually loved you then his heart would weigh heavy on him when he knowingly and continuously brings you stress, unhappiness, and hurt. A man who loves his woman cannot continuously watch his woman in pain and be OK with it. Some situations are not this extreme but the principle remains the same. He keeps you around and fights for you because you’re his meal ticket. So why would he let that go.
Love has nothing to do with it and a woman needs to be honest with herself. She should not continue to feed herself a lie due to her fear of a failed relationship and being alone. At the end of the day, I nor does anyone else have all the facts to your situation. So our opinions are somewhat limited. As a woman you have to trust your intuition more because rarely does a woman not know the answer deep inside.
If you’ve found yourself wondering, “Why won’t he let me go if he doesn’t want me?”, here are 6 things you need to know about removing yourself from this type of relationship.
1. Understand that the two of you run on different operating systems.
You desire connectedness, intimacy, commitment, longevity. He desires those things when you’re running away. But when you come close and offer them, he feels suffocated, panics, and either bolts or sabotages the relationship by criticizing, moping, being unreliable and/or cheating. What works for you does not work for him.

2. Slow things down.
Remember, “Trust is earned, not given.” If you decide to give your guy a second chance because he swears he’s changed and wants what you want, go slow. Yes, make-up sex can be as incendiary as the fireworks at the Beijing Olympics, but it’s not an indicator anything has changed.
3. Don’t think you’re in a movie. 
Richard Gere came to his senses after he dumped Debra Winger. He rushed to her factory to whisk her away to a future with him as loving, sexy and pouncy as a cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof. It’s a fantasy as intoxicating as Sleeping Beauty and Snow White. But the reality is, the only thing Debra Winger probably got to keep was his hat.
4. Believe what he does, not what he says.
When your guy comes crawling back, tears in his eyes, broken hearted, he’s liable to say anything to get you back. The really tricky part is he probably really means it. But once he has you back, he feels suffocated and smothered all over again.
5. Don’t find excuses for his bad behavior, and don’t blame yourself. 
In general, those of us attracted to commitment-phobic asshats have an overabundance of empathy and the tendency to misplace responsibility.
This is left over from childhood. Little kids think they’re the cause of everything that happens to them, both good and bad. The brain stem at that time is underdeveloped and doesn’t understand the concept that the child isn’t the center of the universe.
So if we’ve had volatile upbringings — parents with addictions of any kind — we often take that feeling of being the cause of the problem into adulthood with us, leaving us vulnerable to chaotics, addicts, narcissists, commitment-phobes and the like.
Take a look at your guy’s past. Did he leave a trail of broken hearts? Then you are most likely not responsible for his commitment-phobic behavior.
6. Take care of yourself.
When a toxic ex comes back broken and bleeding from missing the relationship he detonated, it’s in our nature to rush in and fix it. Notice when you have that impulse and doubt its validity.
Sources: Stephen Speaks | Shannon Bradley-Colleary

Setting boundaries

This is sort of a continuance from yesterday's post but it's definitely something that I need to start working on as soon as possible. Check out this great article I found on Iheartintelligence.com:

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change,” explained Henry Cloud.

When we don’t set boundaries, we allow a situation to become more painful than it needs to be. Setting boundaries can be difficult, but not setting them is far more so in the long run. A lack of boundariescan cause resentment and encourage others to take advantage of our good nature.

When we set healthy boundaries, we practice self-respect, self-care, and authenticity.

We improve our relationships with those around us by defining our ground rules and setting expectations with a sense of fairness and clarity.

Unfortunately, boundaries are often set only after we’ve been pushed too far. We become angry and resentful. The relationship has likely already deteriorated beyond repair. The earlier we make our boundaries known, the less likely they are to be violated. Learning to set a firm boundary early on can often save the life of a relationship.

This is what healthy boundaries sound like:

“I am not okay with you yelling at me. I will discuss this when we can speak to one another calmly and respectfully.”

“I can’t work overtime this weekend. Since I wasn’t on the schedule, I already made plans.”

“I can give you a ride home, but I absolutely need to leave by seven. If you’re any later than that I’m going to have to leave without you.”

“Your friend has a drug problem, and I’m not comfortable being around him. Please don’t invite him over to our house again.”

“I’ve been doing much more than my fair share of the chores. From now on, I’m only washing my own dishes. I’ll expect you to wash your own.”

Learning to set boundaries like these can be difficult. Here’s how to do it in four simple steps:

1. Identify your needs.

What happened that made you realize the need for a healthy boundary? How did you feel? Do you have a good reason for setting this boundary, or are you looking for a way to punish someone in the heat of the moment? How, specifically, do you need things to change going forward? How will this impact your life? Your relationship? Your partner? Is setting this boundary fair and reasonable to all involved? Take time to reflect on your emotional needs and identify the desired impact of your boundary. You should have a clear goal in mind – for example, feeling safer, being treated fairly, or relating to one another in a more positive way.

2. Define your boundary.

Be as clear and specific as possible. A boundary needs to be concrete and easily understood in order to be enforced effectively. For example, rather than asking your husband to help out more with the housework, you might request that he take on responsibility for sweeping the floors or doing the dishes. Attach a consequence to the boundary being broken, so your loved one knows what to expect. Your loved ones want to respect your boundaries. Not understanding how to do so can leave them feeling confused, frustrated, and incompetent. Set your boundaries on the firmer side – it is much easier to ease up on a strict boundary than to tighten a loose one.

3. Make your boundary known.

Be firm, but remain as calm and kind as possible. Treat the other person with respect. Remember, you are asking for their cooperation. The more courtesy and respect you show, the more likely you are to receive it. However, there is a difference between being polite and being a pushover. Even as you communicate it with respect, your boundary should remain firm. Don’t apologize for setting it. Don’t explain excessively. You don’t need to justify your behavior. Communicate your new boundary quickly and clearly to avoid confusion. Avoid placing personal blame, and reinforce the fact that you value this relationship.

4. Enforce your boundary.

Some people will try to test your new boundaries by violating them early on. Don’t allow this to slide. If you do, you are breaking this boundary and weakening every one you might try to set in the future. Enforce your boundary by carrying out the consequence you originally set – no more and no less. If you promised to remove a certain privilege, do so immediately. If you said you would move out, it is now your responsibility to follow through. This is why it is important to set realistic consequences before the boundary is violated. If you have nothing to enforce, then your boundary has no legs to stand on and is likely to fall apart.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice,” wrote Brené Brown. Setting boundaries may seem harsh, but doing so is necessary in maintaining a healthy relationship. What boundaries do you need to set in your life?

BY ROBYN REISCH

Importance of self care

During the course of my job and classes, the importance of self care is stressed on an almost daily basis. Self care isn't just a topic applicable to those who work in mental health, it's a topic that applies to everyone. It's especially important when you are under a lot of stress, like during recovery from an addiction. I found this helpful article posted on Recovery.org:

Building a Self-Care Plan in Recovery

Written by Matt Berry
created on 1 October 2015
modified on 4 May 2018

Essentially, recovery is finding a lifestyle and a pattern of thinking that’s conducive to sobriety, health and living a fulfilling life. For many, it’s also life-long process.

Building a Recovery Plan

Although most treatment programs provide aftercare services, such as referrals to community resources, individuals in recovery are ultimately responsible for their own lives. Support is important, but self-care is essential. In the end, we are responsible for our own happiness and sobriety.

No two people are the same, and it’s important to create a self-care program that works for you — and you alone. However, there are aspects of self-care that are applicable to most anyone in recovery.

Since life is multidimensional, we must address each part to form the whole: the physical, the spiritual, the emotional and social.

To that end, listed are nine basic steps for creating a successful and balanced self-care plan in recovery.

Physical Self-Care

Exercise
You don’t have to weight train or run a marathon. A simple walk to the store or an occasional bicycle ride will create “feel-good” endorphins and relieve stress. And remember, exercise and fun are not mutually exclusive. Join a recreational sports league or try surfing. The possibilities are endless.

Get sleep
Sleep affects our mood and how we view each day. You’re much more inclined to keep a positive attitudeduring the day after a full night of restful sleep. Although life happens, even after 11 p.m., keeping a regular sleep pattern can be very beneficial, physically and emotionally.

Eat Healthy
In recovery, it may be tempting to replace old bad habits with new bad habits, such as eating poorly. However, research shows that food directly affects our mood. Healthy food promotes a healthier mood. It’s literally food for thought.

Spiritual and Emotional Self-Care

Love Yourself
Although it may seem simple, it’s not always. Try daily morning affirmations or acknowledge your own accomplishments. Remember, self-care is a practice of understanding, accepting and loving yourself to promote a healthier and better you.

Relax
Stress is a killer. Recovery is not always easy, and an inability to cope with stress is a major cause for relapse. Get a massage, take a walk in nature or simply schedule some time for reflecting and meditation. While work, family and day-to-day responsibilities won’t vanish, it’s important to schedule a time for you.

Find Balance
Too often in recovery, we rely on only a few aspects of our lives to find fulfillment, whether it’s a job, a person or even recovery itself. If you go to five AA meetings a day but you’re consistently stressed, are you really practicing successful self-care? Without balance, we risk teetering when we lean too heavily on only a few particular parts of our lives.

Social Self-Care

Find Support
Whether it’s a peer support group, recovery fellowship, sober friends or supportive family members, social interactions are essential to our lives. To practice true self-care, we must allow others into our lives.

Talk to Someone
For some, visiting a therapist plays a major role in self-care, especially in early recovery. For others, a close friend with an attentive ear may suffice. Regardless, it’s important to allow your emotions to breathe.

Set Boundaries
Let others know you’re living a sober lifestyle. There’s no need to shout it from the rooftops, but self-care is about protecting yourself and your sobriety. If others know you’re in recovery, it may prevent uncomfortable social situations and create new relationships with like-minded people.

Then vs. now

Today is day #325 since the last time I communicated with my most recent qualifier and day #328 of celibacy and I thought it might be helpful to type in my blog my journal entry for September 26, 2017 in order to illustrate how far I have come. This makes me feel so happy about my recovery and changes I have made in my life! Here's my journal entry dated for 9/26/17 at 9:57pm, on day 3 after my qualifier dumped me:

Well, today had it's good and bad. I was busy at work and did okay for the most part. This morning was hurtful but I did do yoga. I tried to stay focused on the positive. I went to Subway after work and then came home to get gas and mow. The push mower stopped working when I was very close to being finished. That really frustrated me and I got upset and started screaming at Mom. Then I just deleted all of the pics of me and the Great Pretender. Now I am feeling extremely sad! Thank God I see my therapist tomorrow. This hurts so much, I have no idea how he just threw me away like I was nothing!

Attachment style

I found an article about attachment styles on Psychologytoday.com that I am going to share here. It was very informative. Not surprisingly, my attachment style is anxious preoccupied. What's yours?

Lisa Firestone Ph.D.

Compassion Matters

How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship

What is your attachment style?

Posted Jul 30, 2013

Our style of attachment affects everything from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress to, sadly, how they end. That is why recognizing our attachment pattern can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. An attachment pattern is established in early childhood attachments and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood.

This model of attachment influences how each of us reacts to our needs and how we go about getting them met. When there is a secure attachment pattern, a person is confident and self-possessed and is able to easily interact with others, meeting both their own and another’s needs.  However, when there is an anxious or avoidant attachment pattern, and a person picks a partner who fits with that maladaptive pattern, he or she will most likely be choosing someone who isn’t the ideal choice to make him or her happy.

For example, the person with a working model of anxious/preoccupied attachment feels that, in order to get close to someone and have your needs met, you need to be with your partner all the time and get reassurance. To support this perception of reality, they choose someone who is isolated and hard to connect with. The person with a working model of dismissive/avoidant attachment has the tendency to be distant, because their model is that the way to get your needs met is to act like you don’t have any. He or she then chooses someone who is more possessive or overly demanding of attention.
In a sense, we set ourselves up by finding partners that confirm our models. If we grew up with an insecure attachment pattern, we may project or seek to duplicate similar patterns of relating as adults, even when these patterns hurt us and are not in our own self-interest.

In their research, Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan found that about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidant attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment. So what does this mean? There are questions you can ask yourself to help you determine your style of attachment and how it is affecting your relationships. On August 13, I will be hosting a CE Webinar with Dr. Phillip Shaver on “Secure and Insecure Love: An Attachment Perspective.”You can start to identify your own attachment style by getting to know the four patterns of attachment in adults and learning how they commonly affect couples in their relating.
Secure Attachment – Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. Children with a secure attachment see their parent as a secure base from which they can venture out and independently explore the world. A secure adult has a similar relationship with their romantic partner, feeling secure and connected, while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely.
Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. Securely attached couples don’t tend to engage in what my father, psychologist Robert Firestone, describes as a “Fantasy Bond,” an illusion of connection that provides a false sense of safety. In a fantasy bond, a couple foregoes real acts of love for a more routine, emotionally cut-off form of relating.

Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away.
Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment – People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts.
Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them. They are often psychologically defended and have the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by saying, “I don’t care.”
Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others.  They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go toward others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others.
As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. A person with fearful avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive relationship.
The attachment style you developed as a child based on your relationship with a parent or early caretaker doesn’t have to define your ways of relating to those you love in your adult life. If you come to know your attachment style, you can uncover ways you are defending yourself from getting close and being emotionally connected and work toward forming an “earned secure attachment.”
You can challenge your defenses by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. Therapy can also be helpful for changing maladaptive attachment patterns. By becoming aware of your attachment style, both you and your partner can challenge the insecurities and fears supported by your age-old working models and develop new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship.

Be yourself

I wanted to post yesterday's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart because it resonated with me so much!

The principal mark of genius is not perfection but originality, the opening of new frontiers. — Arthur Koestler

Many of us have been brought up to believe that we should strive for perfection, and often this means imitating someone whose life seems exemplary to us. We take enormously high standards from outside and we soon begin applying them to ourselves. When we fall short, we berate ourselves. We become convinced that because we can’t be saints, we must have fallen from grace; imperfect, we come to despise ourselves. Surely, no one is as worthless as we are! We’ve failed again, acted out. Who could possibly love us if they knew who we really were? But why do we insist on being judged by impossible standards? Why do we want to be like someone else? Why should we not search for what makes us original, precious, and worthy of care and love? Then we don’t have to go around with our eyes on the ground; we can look the world in the face because we know who we are. Who? Ourselves.

I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be human. I want to be myself.

Never have I ever....

faced my fears and anxiety without backing down nor turned men down when they asked me out. Today at work I faced my fears and high anxiety without running away or trying to numb myself out in some way. That was really a huge step for me and one that I should be extraordinarily proud of. I should also be proud of the fact that I have turned men down. I can think of at least 2 instances in the past few months where I have sidestepped a man's interest in me AND explained that I was only interested in friends. While these things may not be a big deal to others, these 2 things are major signs of progress for me. I need to give credit where credit is due and this evening, I need to give that credit to myself. One day at a time, I will keep on keeping on!

Step 11

Today marks 1 year of singledom for me. I finally made it to such a HUGE milestone and I am never looking back! I am in such a better place than I was 1 year ago and I owe my progress to God, my perseverance, and my Program.
As I have shared lately, I have been struggling with low levels of confidence and feelings of worthlessness, especially in my job. There is not many actions that I can take at work to address this that would also allow me to keep my job. So I plan to focus on the 11th Step from SLAA and make it my mantra:

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

Honestly there is nothing I can do about work, men, nor my addiction except to accept my powerlessness and put it all in God's hands. I am surrendering all control completely to Him from this moment forward.

Milestones, doubts, and renewal

Well, I have quite a bit to share this evening. First of all, I did not end up going out dancing this evening like I planned; my son is sick therefore I did what a good parent would do and stayed home. Also, I wanted to share 3 milestones that I have met in my recovery from love and sex addiction. Today is day #320 since I last had contact with my latest qualifier and 323 days since I last had sex. The last one I am the proudest of: tomorrow it will be 1 year that I have officially been single. September 23, 2017 was easily one of the worst of my life, not because of the loss of my qualifier necessarily but because of the strength of my addiction to him and the subsequent pain of my withdrawal. I am so glad it's been a year and that horrible period of my life is in the past. Also, I am pretty pumped that it's been a year since I've officially had a boyfriend. This is the longest and happiest time I have ever been alone in my life and I am grateful for that. Now it will be another 6 weeks before I can say that it's been a full year since I acted out but that will be here before I know it.
This past week at work was extremely difficult and has been eroding my confidence and sense of peace. Also, I have monthly hormonal things going on too which always messes with my confidence and sense of peace so needless to say, I haven't been feeling the greatest in the past few days. This evening, I decided to call into a SLAA meeting for the first time in several weeks and I am so ecstatic that I did. Hearing the experience, strength, and hope from women who get it and have been or are where I am never ceases to give me peace and hope that I can do this.  Moreover, the meeting reaffirmed the fact that I am lovable and valuable just the way I am. My job, boss, nor the way that some of my clients treat me will ever change that. One day at a time, never give up!

September 21

SEPTEMBER 21
…parts of you are still in unfinished business. — Julius

And what do we do on the days when we feel nothing, when our hearts and minds are frozen and impenetrable? What kind of patience does it take to go through such a time without losing hope or faith? How do we endure until our feelings return? Very gently. Emotions cannot be commanded to appear. When we do not feel, there is always a good reason. We can uncover it if we wish, but we must also be willing to wait. Sometimes there is nothing else to be done. If we can resist the urge to panic or over-rationalize, it’s easier to be gentle with ourselves. If we can be flexible, being with people and being alone, depending on our needs, we will find balance. Above all, if we can stay abstinent, we will be peaceful. Feelings return when the time is right and we are ready to face, bear, accept, and welcome them.

My feelings are like a river flowing within me. I experience them, and I let go.

You don't need alcohol to have fun!!!

I did not have a topic in mind for this evening's blog so I plan to just start yapping and hope I touch on something good. This weekend, I plan to attend a birthday party for an acquaintance of mine and I am really excited about it. It's an adult theme so after the official party is over we plan to head to a local bar for dancing. Apparently there's an amazing band in the local area and they will be playing. I am interested in seeing how things go because as you may remember, I am no longer drinking. Matter of fact, I am almost 6 weeks sober from alcohol. So obviously I will not be drinking this weekend. Instead of bemoaning the fact that everyone else will be drinking and I won't, I have been thinking about all of the positive aspects of not drinking: it's cheaper, I won't be drinking and driving, I won't feel like shit the next day, I will be clear headed so I will be able to better observe social interactions and behavior which I find extremely fascinating. Also, I have a babysitter for my son and I can enjoy my time with him without feeling ill afterward. I am looking forward to what this experience brings and of course I will be posting about it here. Stay tuned!!!

Nothing lasts forever

It is hard when people are struggling to maintain positive thoughts and knowledge of the fact that nothing lasts forever. I am currently struggling with something at work that bothers me a great deal. Not so long ago, my anxiety would have overridden everything else and I would have given up and ran away like I did so many times before. On my drive home from work, I attempted to calm myself with the fact that nothing lasts forever. While this is a particularly difficult time at work, it won't ALWAYS be this way. I won't be stressed out about work and school all of the time because I won't ALWAYS be in school either. I think one of the biggest lessons that I have learned in the past year has been patience. If I can maintain patience with everything in my life then I feel as if all will turn out okay. Here is yesterday's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart:

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they see nothing but sea. — Francis Bacon

When we are lost at sea, we may think that there is no such thing as land, so immense and frightening is the ocean that surrounds us. Nothing but huge stretches of grey, heaving water and the fear that we aren’t going to make it. We cringe and withdraw from rational thought and action. We become sick at heart. So it is with our addiction. At times it seems that our sex addiction is all we have, all we are. As long as we can remember and as far as we can see into the future, that’s all there is. We must shake ourselves free of that kind of obsessive thinking. We know there is land ahead and help at hand. We have seen other people recover and we have known recovery ourselves. There have been whole days, weeks, months, when we haven’t been lost in the sea of our addiction. Our program and our sisters and brothers are our lifeline. We will make a safe passage home if we believe in ourselves and our program.

I am learning to think in a rational manner about myself and my addiction. I know I will return to sanity if I continue to have faith in myself and my program.

More triggers

In the past few weeks, I have identified 2 more triggers that cause me to fantasize therefore should be avoided, at least for now. These are watching football and going to the gym. Football has always made me horny because of all the tall, hot men involved. I also associate it with many past qualifiers including my most recent one. In the gym, although I am working on myself, I have the tendency to lust and fantasize about various men that I find attractive. I have never acted on either of these triggers however it's better to be safe than sorry. The fact that I no longer have time to do either is extremely helpful as well!!

Denial addiction (Part 2)

As promised, here is the awesome article I referenced in yesterday's post:

The Power of Denial 
In Addictive Relationships
 

By Jim Hall, MS, Author, Love Addiction Specialist

If you're in a romantic relationship and find yourself yearning for your avoidant partner to be who he/she was in the beginning ... you are in denial! ---  If you're convinced that you are the reason your partner has become emotionally unavailable, uncaring, or narcissistic ... you are in denial!

If you've convinced yourself that the intense passion, obsession, and infatuation felt in your relationship has represented 'real love'... you are in denial! ---  If you've been hooked to the "potential" of who your partner could be, yet has not been… you are in denial!

Denial amid fantasy is the drug of choice for a love addict-- And whoa!... Is it addictive!

Whether an addiction is to drugs, alcohol, sex, love/romance, etc.-- they all share something very potent and consequential: DENIAL.
Denial is a primary psychological symptom that fuels unhealthy, destructive, and compulsive behaviors in addicts. Denial is a defense mechanism used to escape or avoid pain and discomfort when life's realities seem too much to bear.
Denial is a “malignancy” that distorts and literally changes, twists, and modifies an addict’s reality.
Self-delusion is denials confidante. Denial refuses to see and accept reality, as it actually exists. Addicts will often say to themselves, "I have no problem, there's no harm, I'm fine, I’m in total control", all the while their world is falling apart around them. What's more, addicts are often the last to recognize the plague of their denial, often pursuing their addiction into the gates of insanity and the collapse of their health and wellbeing, and sometimes their life.

 
The baffling thing about denial is that it can mirror itself... when denial faces denial, it denies it.

Denial isn't all bad. It is normal for most people to use short-term denial at various times in their lives. Short-term denial can be a healthy coping mechanism that gives time to adjust to acute distressing life experiences.  For example, short-term denial is often used when a person learns of a sudden death of a loved one-- and they go into an abrupt state of numbness, shock, and think "this cannot be true, I am in a dream." 
Under normal conditions, these feelings will dissipate with time and allow a person to experience their feelings and go through the grieving process, and ultimately get to a place of acceptance. 
However, for addicts, there is nothing short-term about denial. For an addict, denial is a continuous state of mind which keeps them in escape mode; masking and hiding their feelings and operating in a distorted state of reality. Furthermore, continuous denial of an addict prevents them from seeing the real implications and consequences associated with their addictive patterns.

Psychological health depends on accurate perceptions of reality.

Psychological health is correlated to our ability to accurately observe and accept reality (whether positive or negative). When we can observe, acknowledge, and accept life’s difficulties, problems, dangers, threats, or warning signs-- we allow ourselves to feel our feelings about it (vs. denying them). And perhaps more importantly, we are better able to cope and make healthier choices in our lives. And this contributes to our self-care -- which benefits our psychological and even physical health.
Reality is also crucial when it comes to relationships. Observing and accepting reality contributes to making healthier relationship choices, including love and romantic relationships. When we are living in reality, observing and accepting what is, and who someone is-- helps us to better determine whether a potential partner is good for us, or not. Reality helps to establish if a person has the capacity or is capable of meeting our relationship needs; including intimacy and closeness. Reality helps to establish whether an existing relationship is good for us or not, and whether a person and/or a relationship (romantic or otherwise) is worth our time and energy.
When we allow ourselves to look at people and things around us through a transparent lens of reality-- we can make healthier choices (self-care). Reality!-- It matters to psychological health and wellbeing.

How Love Addicts Use Denial (Avoiding Reality) In Addictive Relationships

Caroline (love addict) describes howdenial operated in her relationship with Kirk:

“When I started dating Kirk, I felt like we knew each other for years; it was like like the heavens brought us together… I felt such a deep cosmic connection, instantly, with him. Like a deer in the headlights, I was intensely obsessed and focused with his 'amazing' qualities and nothing else. He was smart, successful; so charming, flattering, and gave me lots of attention; like no one else existed in his world, but me. He was open and vulnerable (seemingly, at least) - and I loved this about him.
Very early in our relationship, I made a conclusion within the first two or three weeks of knowing him. I zealously concluded to myself, 'He was the one for me. I know it because I know all of who he is; we are made for each other; he treats me like a Princess; this strong, charming, loving, giving man is forever my bliss.' I was euphoric and felt like the luckiest woman on earth.

My conclusion was heartfelt and felt like a total reality.
Nevertheless, looking back, I am fully cognizant of how deep my denial really was. In my obliviousness, I was looking through a thick-foggy and dirt-coated lens. A lens of who I thought he was. I never fully embraced all his parts as a person. I wanted to see what I wanted to see at the time. I didn't want to see or accept any reality of him that would mess with how elated and alive I felt. I fell in love with a fantasy of what I imagined him to be. I fell head or over heels for 'potential' of who he could be, a potential I fully made up in my head.
I ignored so many aspects of who he really was. I can see now looking back, how much I denied blatant realities that were so present early on; his problematic qualities, avoidance, his bursts of anger/rage which would often startle me; his indifference and aloofness (I saw as 'strength'), and yes, his vain, selfish, and narcissistic ways. My denial just kept going and going, all the way through our three-year relationship.
And the crazy thing was, the more our relationship progressed, the stronger my denial became. More and more, I minimized, justified, and lied to myself. It is all baffling when I think back on how this denial all played out. 
I dismissed the fact that he cheated in his past three long-term relationships: He wouldn't cheat on me, I'd tell myself. I glossed over how he consistently treated people close to him, with disdain; talking harshly behind the backs of his friends and family members: He would never treat me this way, I'd tell myself. 
When he would distance and show contempt for me for no reason, I’d blame myself. I’d think his disrespect was my fault. I would think I wasn’t being good enough or lovable enough or perfect enough. I'd constantly minimize so many of his distasteful behaviors. I accepted his justification for why he had ‘zero’ relationship with his six-year-old daughter, who only lived three miles away. I bought into his reasoning for his refusal to pay child support for his own child, blaming his ex or saying he doesn't have enough money (he did). I never considered, if he is like this to his own child (lack of empathy), and takes no responsibility for his obligations; he would surely, eventually, be this way in our life if we had kids, and show this kind of contempt in our relationship. Of course he would, I see now. He was showing me exactly who he is-- reality was right in front of me, consistently. Denial lived in me and a part of my existence in this relationship. 

Even when my denial began to crumble, and it would plenty of times, I'd deny it. I’d convince myself that his emotional unavailability and callousness was temporary, though it was frequent. I'd tell myself, 'This is not him; he'll change, things will get better when he gets through this time at work.' I'd think to myself, 'once understands me more, once he really gets how much I love and cherish him;  give to him, then he’ll be that ''real man' I know he is." Sadly, it was never, ever, there!
I know they call it love addiction. But I think it could also be called 'denial addiction'. Although I genuinely had feelings that I was deeply in love with Kirk, I truly believe the feelings of love were solely about my denial. I was addicted to my denial and my fantasy I created around denial. 

It took me a really solid recovery process, specific to my love addiction (or denial addiction), to break down denial; to do a deep cleaning of the lens I was looking through to gain the clarity I now have, thankfully. If I were able to go back to the beginning of my relationship with Kirk, with blinders off, observing and accepting all reality; all of his reality, the man he really was (the reality I now see)... never, ever, ever, ever would I have chosen him as a partner. Because I would be able to see that he was not a person who had any capacity to meet my needs for intimacy, closeness, safety., and relational satisfaction. I never had that. I'm learning now, it is possible. I'm learning I deserve real love."
As I mentioned earlier, denial is a symptom of most addictions-- but I believe denial is often the strongest and most unrelenting for those struggling with love addiction.
Denial is the quintessential component of addictive love and it is denial which ignites thelove addiction cycle. Indeed, the cycle of love addiction cannot occur without denial being in the driver's seat.
 
Two Primary Ways Love Addicts Use Denial in Relationships:
 
1 - Refusal to acknowledge and accept the reality of a partner, or potential partner (who the other person really is).

Love addicts enter relationships disregarding or minimizing a partner's reality. This includes emotional walls, aloofness, selfishness, red-flags/warning signs, and/or narcissism. Instead of seeing who the other person truly is, they fixate on positive qualities (real or perceived), then 'make-up' who he/she is, and create a fantasy of a 'Prince' or 'Princess' who will finally make them feel 'enough', whole, and alive.

2- Downplay the negative consequences suffered in their addictive relationship

Love addicts invariably dismiss or ignore the negative consequences they suffer in a relationship. They'll tolerate incessant disconnection, disappointment, heartache, disrespect, and emotional rejection. What's more, while their relational needs go chronically un-met (e.g., intimacy/closeness). Despite this, they'll continue doing all they can to meet their partner's needs. Essentially, love addicts deny how much distress and unhappiness their addictive relationship is causing them; as well as the negative impact it has on their wellbeing.
Denial starts early for love addicts. As time goes by and more reality is faced about a partner and the state of a relationship, denial does start crumbling and cracking; yet, the grip of denial is sticky and can often endure, even after a breakup occurs, as withdrawal sets in. * Getting help is the key to overcoming 

The moment a love addict meets a particular person who triggers all the right feelings of intensity, excitement, and sexual passion-- denial comes rushing in and the fantasy of who their partner is, and will be for them, is formed. With denial they quickly idealize a person-- then blatantly, yet unintentionally, disregard obvious walls, aloofness, and potential or real red-flags  (e.g., addictions, unfriendly relationship history, affairs, selfishness, dishonesty, love-bombing behaviors, etc.). 

To keep denial alive they develop many excuses and justifications—“I know he wants to be there for me, he is just been so busy”;  "She really does love me but has a hard showing it”; “Once we get past this stressful time, he’ll be that man I fell in love with in the beginning.” Sometimes denial is so powerful, love addicts may even tell themselves, “I might as well stay in this relationship, heck, it's better than being alone; and I probably won’t do much better anyway; this is how all men/women are."

Distorted and Shame-Based Beliefs Love Addicts Often Use to Support Denial:

A belief that ”I cannot live without him/her”.

A belief that "The man/woman I first met, is who he/she truly is"

A belief that “It’s my fault he/she distances; is cold, critical… if only I'm diferent”

A belief that “If I become a better partner, I'll recapture the person I had in the beginning”

A belief that “He/she is better, stronger, more deserving than I"

A belief that "My needs/wants aren't that important"

A beleif that "I'm just too needy and if I stop having needs, he/she will love me"

A belief that “I can’t tolerate dealing with another failed relationship, I must make this work"

A belief that “If I am alone/single, it’s bad, pathetic, and proves I’m unlovable/worthless”

A belief that “I’ll never find anyone who will 'love’ me like him/her-- this is my only chance”

A belief that “All men (or women) are this way; I might as well deal with it"

A belief that “When things are good, they are so good and amazing, I know it's love”

A belief that “He/she says he loves me, cares, is committed; so it must be true",(despite blatant behavioral inconsistencies)

Love Addicts Denial of Self
Not only do love addicts deny a partners reality and the consequences in their relationship-- they deny their own truth. They deny their needs and wants (e.g., intimacy, closeness). They deny their own feelings— and may even go so far as shaming and blaming the self for having feelings. They deny their intuitive senses-- which are usually more accurate, than not. They deny their own identity— a romantic partners identity becomes their identity , and lose a sense of themselves, which significantly becomes apparent during breakup. Moreover, love addicts go into relationships in a one-down position and deny their true worth and value in relationships in comparison with their romantic partner.

 

Awareness is the first step to breaking denial. 
 
Reality is fundamental to healthy transformation and change. To overcome denial in love addiction means facing the truth head-on.
True healing occurs when denial begins to burst and a love addict becomes open to receiving help.
There are times a love addict will experience the crumbling of denial in the midst of a relationship. What will happen during these experiences is they will feel anxiety, fear, pain, and/or feelings of abandonment-- for example, when they notice their avoidant partner is frequently emotionally walled up.  But once their partner gives them the tiniest bit of attention, denial of their partner swiftly comes right back. 
Denial cracks further as a relationship comes to an end or a breakup occurs. But even still-- denials power and resistance will often continue even after a breakup. Many love addicts will reach out for help at this point, as withdrawal sets in. Or, they will avoid reality and move on to find another person to try coping, and further repeat the unhealthy relationship pattern.
Reaching out for specialized help, I believe, is the most important step to break free from denial and allow healing to occur.

As an expert in this field, when I first begin working with a person to overcome their love addiction (love addiction coaching), he or she is not typically denying that love addiction is a problem; they usually are quite aware of this. Where denial is profound is in how they continue seeing their partner; and how they view their relationship they were in with their partner-- including the consequences they've suffered, and continue suffering as a result.
With denial in command, their fantasy continues to have them convinced he/she is "the one", despite their experience with a partner who was consistently emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, and unable to meet their needs for intimate connection; and sometimes verbally and/or physically abusive. For some in denial, they're convinced the relationship with their partner is their 'last chance'; and if it doesn't work, they feel doomed. For others, denial has them intensely convinced (and genuinely feeling) "I love him/her so much"-- Not to say this can never be true. However in most cases, once a client breaks free from denial and comes to accept the reality of 'who their partner is'-- what they discover is how little they genuinely loved or respected about their partner--- and that they never could have been happy or satisfied given the reality of their partner.
The process of moving into reality and overcoming denial is not an easy task. But when it does happen-- it is an amazingly transforming experience. Breaking denial is what opens the door to authentic healing and recovery, something you and all who are challenged with this problem, fully deserve. 

Denial addiction (Part 1)

Given that it's only 7 days away from the anniversary of my most recent qualifier dumping me, I found an article that is extremely apropos. In my case, after he dumped me, I allowed him to come back 10 days later and decided to enter into a friends with benefits arrangement. This charade lasted another 6 weeks. Why did I agree to this, you ask? Well, clearly he was a handsome, intelligent, and funny guy with so much to offer and I had so little to offer; I needed to be satisfied with the crumbs he threw me every now and then because "beggars can't be choosers", after all. He was so charming and charismatic and the sex was simply out of this world. I felt blessed with the fact that he would have anything to do with me at all, especially given the list of negative qualities he verbalized on the phone the day he dumped me.
Now almost 1 year later, I am extremely saddened that I ever thought that little of myself to allow that type of horrific treatment. And to think, I gave this man every part of myself: my body, my mind, my emotions, and for a time, my soul. He was not worth ONE SECOND OF MY TIME. He was not worth one tear I shed for him nor my kindness. However, I do feel extremely grateful that I now realize all of this. It might have taken me a year but I will never allow myself to be treated that badly again! (Check back tomorrow for the awesome article!!!)

Thank you

The following article goes out to my most recent qualifier, DB: thank you. Thank you for (temporarily) destroying me. For you see, I needed you in order to find me! What a truly priceless gift that has been! ♥️♥️♥️

To The Person Who Emotionally Destroyed Me – Thank You

By: Mary Wright

Imagine this scenario: a woman sitting on her bathroom floor, banging her fists onto the ground as she tries to silence her sobs, calm her beating heart and make sense of the breakup.  

Now, what I want you to do is imagine my face. Because that woman on the bathroom floor was me. I was that woman after you emotionally destroyed me. After months and months of feeling not good enough. After months and months of you choosing other people over me. After you – taking me for granted.

And I want to tell you that I don’t hate you. Instead, I want to say – thank you.

Because after months and months of you emotionally abusing me, I realized that it is not that I wasn’t good enough for you – it was you. You were the toxic one.

I am finally coming out of that dark place that you’ve put me in. You no longer have power over me. I remind myself every single day of my worth and that I am enough.

I deserve better than your fake honey words that completely distorted my perception of true love. I deserve better than someone who takes me for granted and ignores me. I deserve better than someone who has broken my heart without a second thought.

I deserve someone better than you.

Now, I am not the same heart-broken woman sitting on her bathroom floor trying to stop the tears from coming. Now I know better than give someone complete power over me and my emotions. I have regained the lost control over my life and I am not willing to give it away anymore. I won’t ever feel worthless. I won’t allow anyone to make me feel less.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you are a bad person. You are indeed a good person, but you were toxic to me. And if sometimes you start thinking about me and wishing to reach out to me, please remember the woman on the bathroom floor and stop yourself from calling me ever again.

Because you have put me in a dark place. I was surrounded with negativity. The sun just didn’t shine for me for a long time because you were my only source of light. I was drowning and then, suddenly I was done. I decided to be there for myself and save myself because you never were.

I know you are not a bad person, but next time you feel like you miss me and want me back, please remember what you did. Think of the woman who spent so many sleepless nights in agony trying to figure out where she went wrong. Think of the woman who lost her appetite and who made her life a living hell.

Think of all the damage you’ve done and back away.

But before you go, I want to thank you for shaping me into the woman I always wished to become.

Thank you for making me stronger.

Thank you for making me take control over my life.

Thank you for pushing me so below the surface that I had no choice left but to go up and transform my life.

Thank you for helping me realize that I don’t need to seek validation from others ever again.

That I am enough.

And finally, thank you for all the great things that have come after the darkness with you. If it wasn’t you I wouldn’t be able to see the light now.

I ♥️ the single life

Earlier today, I came across an awesome article about being single. It was very positive and uplifting so I am going to post it here.

Marisa T. Cohen Ph.D.

Finding Love: The Scientific Take

Fear of Being Single

How the stress of singledom can affect you.

Posted Aug 24, 2018

Some people hold the belief that if a person is not in a relationship, he/she must be lonely and miserable. As a result of this fear-inducing scenario, people may rush into relationships which are not the best fit and do not bring them joy. There is also a body of research which focuses on singlism, a term which describes an anti-single sentiment. Singlism may result in “single adults in contemporary American society [being] targets of stereotyping, prejudice, and discrimination…” (DePaulo & Morris, 2005, p. 57). Therefore, not only do people worry about being single, but those who are single are also judged for it.

The Research
Research has shown that people will settle for less in a relationship for fear of being single (Spielmann, MacDonald, Maxwell, Joel, Peragine, Muise, & Impett, 2013). In Spielmann et al.’s study (2013), they defined the fear of being single as “…entailing concern, anxiety, or distress regarding the current or prospective experience of being without a romantic partner” (p. 1049). This distress can be experienced by both those who are not in relationships and those who are currently in one, but worry about their stability or question their longevity. While most research has focused on this anxiety in women, the authors note that both men and women may experience discomfort when it comes to singledom, because both sexes have an intrinsic need to find and maintain intimate relationships (Spielmann et al.)

The researchers conducted a series of studies, through which they developed the Fear of Being Single Scale. Overall, they found that individuals with stronger fears were more likely to lower their standards, both in their current relationships and when selecting new mates. In addition, higher scores on their scale “…predicted greater dependence in less satisfying relationships” (Spielmann et al., 2013, p. 1068). The more fear a person had, the less likely they would be to end a relationship that they were in, even when they were not satisfied. Being that people with a fear of singledom settle for less, it may further perpetuate the idea that being single leads to unhappiness.
The Implications
People who fear being alone may stay in unfulfilling relationships or may be quick to rush into relationships that are not ideal. In essence, people may focus more on their relationship status than the relationship itself, which is very problematic.

It is important to be cognizant of any anxiety you have surrounding being single or the possibility of ending a relationship. You must also understand that pressure to be in a relationship may have negative consequences, such as settling for less (Spielman et al., 2013).
Being single is not necessarily negative. In fact, there are many benefits to being single. Many singles experience more autonomy and personal growth than those who are married (Marks & Lambert, 1998). In addition, being single enables a person to spend more time maintaining close connections with others. Research has shown that singles maintain greater contact with their friends, neighbors, siblings, and parents than their married counterparts (Sarkisian & Gerstel, 2016). Therefore, those who are single benefit from fulfilling relationships with themselves and others.

Remember that there is nothing wrong with being single. Do not compare yourself to others in relationships. Instead, value the meaningful relationships that you have in your life.

Avoiding procrastination

SEPTEMBER 11
Without discipline, there’s no life at all. — Katharine Hepburn

We all have deadlines we must meet. We have bills to pay, responsibilities at work, children with school projects — all the innumerable small markers that push life forward. When we realize we’re procrastinating, we need to be committed to not shaming ourselves. Procrastination is not an indication that we have failed. How realistic would it be if we looked forward to doing unpleasant things? It’s human to avoid what we’d rather not do. As we free ourselves from the burden of perfectionism, we’re free to better accept our responsibilities. Meeting deadlines as well as we can, one at a time, pays off in serenity and a manageable life. When we are crisis-ridden, we are forced to live by other peoples’ demands, rather than by our choices. In the face of procrastination, resentment, or perfectionism, we can turn to Step Ten for an inventory. We can forgive ourselves, try to laugh at ourselves, live in the present, and keep going. Today can be better than yesterday.

I may as well admit it — there’s probably something I’m avoiding. Is today the day to do it?

Celebrate milestones

Today marks 310 days since I last had contact with my most recent qualifier and 313 days since my last sexual encounter. I think and have always thought how important it was to celebrate milestones during recovery. Especially in the beginning, sometimes that's all that can encourage you to keep going. I cannot articulate how proud I am of myself. Better yet, I have been so busy with work and school that my level of exhaustion has prevented me from even having the energy to think about men or sex. So there is that! :-)

Keep on keeping on

I do not have much to report this evening nor is my brain functioning well enough to create a substantial and insightful post. However, I will say this: I am still sober from my bottom lines and I will not be dating/having sex any time soon. Since I became sober, I have put so much thought into when I could date again. How ironic then that God has done for me what I could not do for myself: I am so consumed with work and school that in all actuality, I will not have the time to date for the next 3 years. By then, I will have 4 years of sobriety and maybe at that time, I will be able to find and maintain a healthy partnership. For now, I will maintain laser focus on my goals and continue to take one day at a time.

Courage

I wanted to share my September 7th daily meditation from Answers in the Heart.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

One of the miracles of recovery from sex addiction is that it gives us courage in the face of life’s darker realities. We can help others face addiction, depression, or illness because we’ve been there too. We’ve gone through so much, and we’ve come out the other side. We understand the fear. What a tremendous gift that can be to others, especially for those who come into recovery after us. Our presence, our support, our unconditional love, and our nonjudgmental attitude are often just what another suffering addict needs. Our experiences as practicing sex addicts have given us understanding and wisdom. We have the perspective to be practical and realistic when necessary. We have the empathy to be compassionate. We have the strength and clarity to keep our boundaries in the face of another’s addiction. Our courage is our recovery in action, and for that we can be grateful.

I go through difficulties so that I can be helped, and so that I can later help someone else.

Analysis

Today I have spent some time doing some analysis of my self and driving motivations and I am a little surprised by the results. The results of my analysis are this: am I craving sex and tall, bearded men because I genuinely miss human contact and want to connect with someone? Or are my cravings a result of my desire to fantasize? It's the latter because I am currently incapable of the former. And why is that, you might ask? Well, I read an article today about emotional unavailability. Part of this article focused on possible reasons that people always seem to attract emotionally unavailable people. The conclusion was because they themselves are emotionally unavailable. The exact quote was "we attract what we give out." So maybe, just maybe, this entire time when I have been bemoaning my bad luck in always getting the emotionally unavailable guys, I have had that same exact label all of this time? I mean, I am highly uncomfortable with true intimacy. Moreover, I think I would be extraordinarily uncomfortable if a man actually treated me well. Maybe the fact that I am single and plan to remain so until after grad school is exactly what God's plan for me is, to allow me to resolve my intimacy issue. If I do indeed accomplish that, the chances must be pretty high that I too could truly fall in love someday.

Pathological vs. "Normal"

It's been several days since I had the time to call into a SLAA meeting therefore this evening, I did. I thought it would help me because I have been having some cravings lately. Specifically, cravings for a man and sex. So this got me to thinking: what is "normal" sexual desire and horniness and where does that turn into something more pathological,  morphing into sex addiction?
Since I have been in recovery, I have talked to many people about my addiction and many men have told me that it doesn't seem like a problem; they would love to have a woman who desired sex all the time. And maybe that was part of my problem, I have always been insanely attracted to men who only showed me affection PART of the time. Moreover, the ones that have held the most powerful and toxic attraction for me were the ones who made it crystal clear that they really were crazy for someone else.
So tonight I have questions: will I ever find a man that will drive me crazy as much as I do him? Will my sex drive match his and will our sex lives be as magical as those that I have thought I had in the past? Will I ever be able to distinguish "normal" sexual feelings from those of addiction? Time will tell.

The NFL and nagging thoughts

Well, I made it through the second week of my ever so challenging combo, the work/school thing. And I am still alive with all of my to-do tasks completed thus far. So I would say this week has been a success, which is a miracle given how I was feeling this past Tuesday and Wednesday. It was really bizarre, I felt unmoored almost, totally not like myself at all. I had very negative feelings about everything and I was experiencing a great deal of emotional turmoil even though nothing major happened.
In the spirit of honesty though, I did have cravings for my addictions this week, particularly my man craving. I felt that familiar urge to just run away from all of my responsibilities and numb myself out in the fantasies/arms of a man whom I find attractive. But of course I didn't. I just find it quite fascinating that is my go-to urge almost every single time I am going through stress. Oh, and I also have determined over the past few days that one of my triggers is NFL football. Yet another oddity, I am sure. However, football is comprised of men playing and is tied in with past qualifiers of mine, some of who loved it. My most recent qualifier really got into it which I think is why I was triggered by the mention of it this week. More objectifying and fantasizing about physical qualities while not focusing on what truly matters, which is what's inside!

10 months sober!!!

Today marks 10 months of sobriety from love and sex addiction. I can scarcely believe it; sometimes it seems like the 10 months have gone very quickly, sometimes slowly. However, time did march on, which is one of the keys to getting and staying sober from any addiction. Knowing that the horrific pain in the beginning will not last forever and trust that one day, you will feel better than you have in your entire life are 2 more thoughts that can help as well.
Now that I am 10 months in, I can see things much more clearly than before. For example, I thought that when I was acting out, I was truly alive and living. Now I can see the sober reality: I was acting out in order to escape my daily stressors of life and hide from unresolved childhood traumas that had never been dealt with prior. Also, in all of my excitement during my acting out time, I never realized the paralyzing anxiety that accompanied my acting out, both before and after getting a "hit" of my addiction.
Today I admit that while I am sometimes lonely and miss companionship and human physical touch, that pales in the comparison to how much relief I feel not having to deal with that heavy burden of ever-present anxiety.
I am so grateful to God for leading me to recovery and helping me to learn, one day at a time, to love and value myself.

Dealing with fear

The last 2 days have been a struggle for me due to mostly school and work issues. I have been experiencing a great deal of fear which has been difficult for me to deal with. Therefore when I read my daily meditation for today, I was delighted to discover that it was perfect for me and just what I needed to hear!

SEPTEMBER 5
Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves; to like themselves. — Bonaro Overstreet

We may be going about our lives when, suddenly, we become aware that we’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable or insecure. But what we’re feeling, underneath, is afraid. Even when we’re not conscious of it, fear can drain our concentration and deplete our confidence. Everyone feels afraid; it is a part, even an affirmation of being human. Fear can be a healthy, energizing response in some situations — such as when we take a risk or strike out in a new direction. When we’re fearful, it can be reassuring to remember that, in the end, success or failure aren’t what’s important. If, in any situation, we do the best we can and learn from our experiences, then we’ve nothing to fear. Still, when we’re feeling fear, it’s important to know that the people who love us will go on loving us. Sometimes, we may just need to hear someone say, “I know you can do it; I have faith in you.” Then, fearful or not, we move forward, our fear balanced by faith and our willingness to try.

God, please take away my fear or help me bear it, if that’s what I must do. I am always in Your care.

Psalm 23

I had a really awful day today for a variety of reasons. I am also experiencing fear and anxiety due to a perceived fear. Whether this is a valid fear, I am unsure. Because I am feeling so overwhelmed and powerless, I have decided to post Psalm 23 to help comfort myself and possibly anyone else reading this who is struggling.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

False comfort

This evening I am posting yesterday's daily meditation from Answers in the Heart. I have both work and school work to do this evening. Ahhhh, the pressure!!!!

SEPTEMBER 2
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleanor Roosevelt

Even though we deny it, we still may secretly want to be hurt by others, since, in some obscure way, we think we deserve it. As addicts we had lost our good opinion of ourselves; we often indulged in actions that placed us in situations of humiliation and debasement. It is a sad truth that sex addicts can feel comfortable there, and find release from tension in degrading acts. Let’s resolve to reject humiliation. We are learning, by talking with others, that life is rich and varied and open — and we want to join in. We do not have to continue to find false comfort and release in acts that come back to haunt and humiliate us. There is no more room in our lives for feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. Our program helps us gain self-esteem and a sense of the true value of our lives.

I don’t wish to be humiliated by situations and by other people. I deserve to do what makes me feel good about myself.

Day 300

Today is a pretty major milestone: 300 days of sobriety! I know that I say I am proud of all my milestones but with each subsequent one, I feel more pride. Additionally, day #300 means that I am only 65 days away from completing one entire year of not acting out.
My recovery has changed my life in so many ways but the 2 most important are the way I see myself and the fact that I am able to remain fully in the present and enjoy it, without repeatedly drifting off into fantasy.
Obviously it's important to think highly of yourself because if you don't, you are vulnerable to toxic people taking advantage of you. Plus you get what you tolerate; if you do not truly love yourself, other people will sense that and treat you with the same disrespect that you display towards yourself.
Remaining in the present has been a wonderful gift to myself and family/friends. My life has been so much more rewarding and fulfilling by giving my full attention to those that matter the most to me. I think the person that has benefitted the greatest from my renewed focus is my son. I am far more available to him, both emotionally and mentally, than I ever was during my periods of acting out. God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams with the gift of recovery and seeing my life for what it used to be. Not only that, I now know what I would not want my life to return to. And that alone is an invaluable realization.

Validation

Today my son and I attended a family reunion which we have been looking forward to for quite some time now. We had a fantastic time but I made some observations during my time there.
One of these was weird and unexpected but one that I wouldn't have recognized if I had been acting out or drinking because I wouldn't have been at all mindful. Sometimes when I spend time with my family, I feel as if I must prove how much progress I have made and how much I have changed my life. Nobody is challenging me or expecting that but I think because I struggled to succeed in my life for so many years, others' expectations of me dropped each year I failed to take action. Therefore I have noticed that when I am around them, I am seeking out validation that I have changed as much as I feel I have. But really, I know better. Because whether it's from men, family, or friends, the only validation that truly counts is that which you provide for yourself!