Milestone Days

Today is a Milestone Day. For me, that means a day that ends in either 5 or 0. ;-)
Today marks 175 days of sobriety/NC. In 6 days, I will be at the 6 month mark of not acting out! I am extremely proud of myself but also apprehensive. I mean, I can't stay hidden in my recovery forever. At some point, I will have to emerge, to start practicing healthy relationship skills for the first time in my life. I hope that I am up to the task once that time comes. Up until then, I know I have a lot of work left to do on myself, including getting to know me! It's been a long time coming, that's for sure!

Resuming the Work

This evening I have decided to resume my work on the 12 steps of my program. I am still on Step 1 which is as follows: We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had
become unmanageable. I started this work a few months ago but quickly got distracted. This was during the process of listing all family members, including all great-grandparents, who struggled with addictions, mental illness, and other compulsions and difficulties. So this is where I am picking up from. However, I am not finished yet because I need to talk to my father to ask him about his family members. I feel as if making an effort to work on the Steps will help me feel even better than I already do.
In other news, my son and I went to church this morning and I am so thrilled that I did. The minister has been a good friend of my family for many years and he is one of the kindest most caring people I have ever met. His sermon couldn't have been more timely either: it was about relying on God and giving up control to Him. This is especially true when it comes to addictions. We plan on going every week now! I am so grateful and blessed.

Reflections

I wasn't sure what to write about tonight but then I was divinely inspired: I want to write about just how far I have come within the past year. The reason why I picked this specific time is because 1 year ago from tomorrow is when I graduated from college with my BS in psychology. After so many years, I finally achieved that goal that I wanted and worked on for so long! It was by  far one of the proudest and happiest days of my life. I felt like I was on top of the world and yet.....
I felt restless and lonely. I was proud of myself, yes, but I didn't truly feel validated because I didn't have "a special someone " in my life at that time. Moreover, I was intriguing with an old boyfriend during that time period. I spent way too much time fantasizing, obsessing, texting, and planning to actually be present during the proudest time in my life. A few days after graduation, he ended up coming over so we could "hang out"= having sex. The entire time period we "dated" (which wasn't even a month) was a pretty big disaster. Him and I were not on the same wavelength and never had been, it just took me 9 years to realize it. During that time period, I went to my PCP and got an STD testing. I tested positive for an easily treatable STD which is a common result of this disease. I informed him about this, he claimed not to be freaked out, but I never heard from him again. Nor did I chase him. It was just over. And thank goodness it was. That was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself.
In examining my life today compared to 1 year ago, it couldn't be more different. I have peace, sobriety, and a relationship with God and myself. I am practicing abstinence so I no longer have to think about STDs or any of the consequences that can come from sexually acting out. Every night, I pray for God's will for me and the power to carry that out.

Blessings and Hope

Today I was discussing a past abusive relationship with a coworker and I was hit with a realization: I can't believe how far I have come in just a few short years! Where once I tolerated physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and financial abuse, I am now realizing my inherent value and self-worth and seeing how much I sold myself short! This has been applicable to almost every single romantic relationship that I have been involved with during my entire lifetime. I feel as if my eyes have finally been opened and I can see clearly for the first time in my life. I owe this to my own strength, perseverance, persistence, God, and program. I found a quote in my daily meditation that I would like to share this evening:

I don’t want to come to the end of my life wishing I had freed myself from my addiction. I am glad I have begun the process of change.

Great Day!

Today I had a really good and productive day. I got much more accomplished than I ever imagined I would which is a really nice feeling!
I was off work today because I had my intake appointment with my new psychiatrist and it went better than I could have imagined it would! He listened and decided to prescribe Lamictal and in one month's time, try me on Vyvanse. I am so freaking excited, that's what I wanted all along. I am so, so, so lucky!
Also, I wanted to report that today I feel content, happy, peaceful, and FREE! Free of anxiety caused by toxic relationships with people who I couldn't even stand yet I was addicted to waiting for them to "love" me. I have spent much of the past 6 months engaged in self-reflection. Many occurrences in past relationships are coming up and I can scarcely believe I tolerated any of that garbage! One example of this happened during my "relationship" with my latest qualifier. Unlike previous relationships, I never told him I loved him first. I never said it because I didn't want to pressure him or rush things. About 3 months in, he got completely drunk and texted me that " he fucking loved me". Awww, how romantic and sincere, right? At the time, I felt so happy and lucky that he said it first. I never thought to be concerned about the context nor did the situation raise any red flags for me. Never again will I allow myself to be treated so poorly!!!

Day 170

Well, today marks day #170 of NC/sobriety. Which also means that it has been 173 days since I last had sex. I am extremely proud of my accomplishment and how much progress I have made in my recovery.
Today during my session with my therapist, I realized something pretty eye opening: I have never lived my life in order to please myself. I have always lived my life in order to please other people, more specifically men. With this realization, I need to discover what I like and what makes me happy. I feel as if I have been slowly discovering these things in the past almost 6 months.
I have been in a pretty awesome mood today. It also helps that I will be going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow for the first time in many years. I hope to get clarification on my diagnoses as well. Wish me luck!

Tuesday Musings

Today was a pretty fantastic day! I felt very positive and grateful today which is a nice change. I went to the gym to lift this evening and during each rep I completed, I repeated an affirmation (I am beautiful) to myself. I know that affirmations help a great deal and I have been meaning to start them for quite awhile. I decided to work them into my daily routine. I also have decided that all things considered, I am a pretty good catch and anyone would be lucky to have me in their life. I am so grateful that I found SLAA; it has absolutely changed my life. If I stay positive and don't limit my goals or dreams, God only knows how far I can go!!!

The Best Book!

I have been reading the most enlightening book and I wanted to share my thoughts so far. The title of the book is Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle. I started reading it when I was at Nickel City and I can't put it down. This book is the story of a woman who went through all sorts of horrible things in her life including bulimia, addiction, low self-esteem, among others. She proceeds to get married to her dream man and have 3 kids and then finds out that not only is her husband addicted to porn but also had cheated on her with multiple women throughout the course of their marriage. I am not yet finished with the book but so far I am so impressed and grateful that I found it. This book is about finding your true self, living through painful times and dealing with difficult things, and coming out on top at the end. The key is patience, faith, and a strong belief in yourself. This book has helped me tremendously so far! My most important priority right now is maintaining and cultivating a relationship with God.

Rise Above!

My weekend went extremely well all things considered. I went, I saw, I danced, I conquered! However during the nice weather, I find myself feeling lonely and sad, wishing I had someone to share this beautiful life with. This evening I open my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart and this is what I read:

        • APRIL 22 •
To live happily is an inward power of the soul. — Marcus Aurelius

One person’s joyous enjoyment of springtime may be another person’s painful memories of a life somehow unfulfilled. One person’s winter wonderland may be another’s stark and hopeless landscape. One person’s summer at the beach may be another’s battle to avoid looking at people wearing hardly any clothes. One person’s ripe and tranquil autumn may be another’s sense of imminent death. Each season of the year brings its own challenges. Many of us who are sex addicts feel sad or alone particularly during the spring and summer. All around us are people in love (not us) or people we think look happier than us. We may feel inadequate. So we struggle yet again with the same old feelings or memories. We can remind ourselves that even though the past continues to resonate in our hearts, the present holds something different and better. If we open our eyes to the particular beauty of this season, we will be rewarded with its splendor.

I am willing to be open to this day’s beauty and delight. The past is over.

How perfect this meditation was for me this evening, I will take it! 😁

Buffalo (cont.)

Today was the second day I have been in Buffalo and aside from a few negative thoughts and self-pity in the early afternoon, I am doing pretty dang good, all things considered. I had fun dancing with my friends, and socializing with both my friends and new cloggers we met at the festival. I got alot of exercise AND faced my fears about returning to Buffalo. So I would say that this weekend could be considered both a success and a personal triumph for me. We are returning home tomorrow morning which I am grateful about.
Here's to setting goals, testing your limits, and never giving up! One day at a time, I will continue my recovery. And one day all of this pain, work, and suffering will be worth it!

Buffalo

Well, here I am, laying in a bed in downtown Buffalo. The first day of Nickel City is behind me with one day and 2 nights left to go. Honestly today was better than I thought it would be. As expected, I have had numerous thoughts and cravings for my most recent qualifier BUT these weren't as painful as I expected them to be. Yes, they were painful but they didn't hold me hostage for the entire day or make me paralyzed or unproductive. I did experience some euphoric recall but nothing worse than usual. I did have some fleeting fantasies about contacting him to meet up and have sex but of course these fantasies were not realistic nor would I ever act on them. That's one helpful thing that I have learned about sobriety thus far: just because you have thoughts or cravings doesn't mean you have to act upon them. If you're patient and sit with those feelings, they will dissipate eventually. One day at a time, I can maintain sobriety.

The Basic Text

Last night I started rereading the SLAA Basic Text and I am so glad that I did. First of all, it was good timing to do this because I first read it 2 years ago, long before I became sober. It was enlightening to read it now while being sober because the words have that much more meaning for me. I also needed the extra exposure because of my trip to Buffalo tomorrow. While I am fairly confident that I will not see my latest qualifier there, I am worried about the memories and cravings that I will experience from being there once again. I have not been there since my last episode of acting out and in case you haven't noticed, I have been feeling anxious about this trip for weeks. It's ironic because it was my choice to go to the clogging festival. I love my friends, clogging, and engaging in activities that give me purpose but I just wish that I wasn't so disturbed and hesitant about traveling there. Stupid sex and love addiction. Grrrrr!!!!
With all of that being said, I do want to make sure that I am not getting caught up in euphoric recall. I must remember that my "relationship" with qualifier was toxic and he was not good for or to me. I need to not gloss over how unhealthy the relationship was, especially tomorrow. When we stopped talking, what did I really lose? A narcissistic asshole who was mean to his son and treated others like garbage. I deserve better.

Sanity

I have been struggling alot this week: I have been under a lot of stress with work and my personal life. And of course on Friday, I am heading to Buffalo for the Nickel City Clogging Festival. I love clogging, I love my dance teacher, I love my hobbies however I hate the fact that the festival is in Buffalo. I hate that my sex and love addiction is going to affect my weekend doing what I love to do. I have been praying and trying to maintain positive thoughts but it's hard. Anyway, the point I wanted to make with this post is that no matter all the discomfort I have been experiencing due to cravings and withdrawal, my life has been restored to sanity. I have been struggling and I am lonely and unsure but at least I am not living in the insanity of my active addiction. One day at a time.

Questions

Men. Food. Men. Food. These are my cravings day in and day out. Everyday, all day. When I am not craving one, I am craving the other. Or both at the same time occasionally. I guess the good news is that I have only acted upon my food cravings in the past 5+ months. It makes me wonder when or if the day will ever come when these 2 addictions aren't on my mind all the time. If there will be a day where I will find peace and be rid of this constant torture. Dear God, please let it happen sometime soon. I don't feel very strong lately! I am sick and tired of these f-ing addictions! 😡

Impatience

I had a really bad day today so instead of posting, I am going to post my daily meditation from yesterday, which is very good.

• APRIL 15 •
Experience has taught me this, that we undo ourselves by impatience. Misfortunes have their life and their limits, their sickness and their health. — Montaigne

Our program isn’t working. We are misunderstood. Nothing’s going well at work. We just can’t see it through. Why doesn’t someone help us? Impatience! We become fretful and blame others for our shortcomings. Impatience! We lose touch with the tempo of life and our own particular rhythm. Impatience! We are convinced our addiction will never cease tormenting us. Let’s slow down and get back in touch with life’s movement. We know that all things have their season and their motion and their end. It may feel like winter now, but spring will come and then summer. Nothing remains static; everything changes and grows. There is a pattern to all life — including ours — if we are patient enough to discern it. I need to slow down to get in touch with the rhythms of my life and life outside me.

Day 160

Today I have hit another milestone: 160 days of NC/sobriety. I am extremely proud of my accomplishment especially because of how hard this addiction has been to give up. I always struggle with cravings during my period and this weekend has been no exception. Also, it doesn't help matters that I will be going to Buffalo on Friday. However this evening I realized that for all the excitement I experienced in acting out, there was always at least 3 times as much anxiety present at all times. Also, the constant pain of staying in a "relationship" where I was constantly being rejected no matter my best efforts was heartbreaking. So the high I got from when he did actually want me (only for sex of course) was never worth all of the effort, money, time, and loss of my self-respect or self-esteem. That is my realization on this milestone day. One day at a time, things will change.

Everything takes time

The longer I live, the more I realize that everything in life takes time. This is especially true with meaningful changes that actually mean something and take a great deal of effort. I have been trying my best not to feel shame over my addiction nor the fact that no matter if I like it or not, I will feel discomfort and uncomfortable feelings next weekend when I am in Buffalo. I talked with a friend this past week and he told me that I was a very strong person and therefore I could just choose not to think about it. I explained to him that inner strength would help prevent me from acting out but it would not prevent me from having intrusive and obsessive thoughts. Addiction doesn't work that way, I told him, moreover he should know better. This exchange just illustrates how few people truly understand this disease. This encourages me to reach out to recovery partners and share at as many meetings as I can before I go to Buffalo on Friday. I will need the support of people who understand this struggle and God to help me make it through this trip without too many hurtful thoughts. God give me the serenity....

Diligence

I am reminded time and again about how important it is to remain diligent about my addiction. Although I have several months in recovery now, I can't afford to rest on my laurels or think I can start dating anytime soon. Moreover, everytime I start my period, it seems like the obsessive, intrusive thoughts become stronger. For example, my town has a festival every July called Old Home Days. Every year they have a sign they put up in town advertising this festival. The sign will be going up soon. During last year's Old Home Days, I was dating my most recent qualifier and waiting for him to arrive in town to accompany me to my 20th high school reunion. I remember at that time thinking that this was one of the happiest days of my life. I was in love with this man who was so wonderful to me and who I was madly sexually attracted to. I thought my life couldn't possibly get any better. Just a few short months later, my life became a living nightmare when that same man dumped me abruptly, ripping my heart out of my chest and ending my faith in humanity. Little did I realize it at that time but that was the beginning of my realization that I suffered from sex and love addiction. That explains why after he dumped me that I thought I was dying and couldn't function for days. I know now that I will never again allow myself to feel that level of despair and despondency. The warning signs were all there, I just chose to ignore them. Lesson learned for the future.

Blessings

Hmmm, I am not sure what topic I should write about this evening. I have been reading the book I ordered about unavailable fathers every night this week though and I am really getting some useful information so far. And I am only on chapter 2! I am grateful for that. 7 days from tomorrow, I will be in Buffalo for the Nickel City clogging festival. I continue to pray to God that He will grant me peace and serenity while I am there and that I won't experience too many painful memories or thoughts of my most recent qualifier. I am so grateful and blessed that I disengaged myself from that unhealthy entanglement and started focusing on myself. It's only going to get better and better from here on out! 😊

Patience

I wanted to report that I have had one of the best days I have had in a long time! I got some really exciting news, I had a great day at work, I stuck to my exercise and eating plan, I called in and participated in a meeting, and I got my eyebrows waxed at a salon that I absolutely adore. Today is day #156 of NC/sobriety and I truly couldn't be happier or feel more at peace. I was so worried about going to Buffalo next weekend for my clogging convention because that is where my most recent qualifier lives. But I have been praying to God ever since I decided to go that He would give me the strength and peace to do so and my prayers have been answered! It is not like I won't be affected at all by being in that city given the last time I was there, I was with Qualifier. However I know that I will be able to handle it and participate in something that's important to me. Regardless of where the idiot lives who didn't appreciate me for the awesome person I am! Never give up, never lose hope, recovery has been worth all the pain!

April 10

From my daily meditation book, the best entry:

• APRIL 10 •
When you don’t feel yourself anything, I mean part of anything, that’s when you get scared. — Lillian Hellman

It is a cruel irony of sex addiction that what we desire — intimacy — is what we fear and believe ourselves incapable of. It is sad that being sexual, the act that should bring us closest to someone, instead isolates us. Yet intimacy in its truest sense, whether sexual or nonsexual, is what transcends loneliness. It is a uniquely human need. Fortunately, we can learn how to be intimate. We can actually become new people, capable of giving and receiving in intimate relationships. All it takes to start is honesty and willingness. As we learn to love ourselves for who we are, we will become intimate with ourselves and with others. Then, our sexual experiences will become intimate as well. I have a deep capacity for intimacy, and my recovery is teaching me how to love.

Acceptance

Tonight I would like to talk about acceptance. This topic comes up a lot in program and it's something that I have heard a great deal about in my life. However I have not fully grasped and embraced the concept until now. Acceptance is just that: accepting everyone and everything just as it is without attempting to control/manipulate things in our favor. There are three areas of my life in which acceptance has helped me so much already: my sex and love addiction, co-parenting with my toxic ex-husband, and accepting that my father is an emotionally unavailable alcoholic who will never be any different. Once you accept situations for what they are and realize you can't change them, a sense of peace and serenity fills your life. It is such a blessing and I am so grateful for my recovery and SLAA for helping me to make all of these important discoveries.

Painting my toenails

I think today's post has the weirdest title of any that I have written so far. Rest assured, it does mean something though. This evening I painted my toenails. I know this is not a big deal but for me it is and I will tell you why: this is the first time that I have painted my toenails since November. This evening has been the first time I have done this simply because I wanted to in many, many years. I did not paint my toenails for my boyfriend, to impress and/or seduce a man, or for any other reason that involves a man. I did it simply for myself because I like the colors and I think it's pretty. Finding myself has been the most rewarding journey of my life and wouldn't have been possible without the SLAA program. I am so eternally grateful tonight!

5 months of sobriety!

Today marks 5 months of sobriety in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I can't begin to articulate how proud I am of myself and how grateful I am to have found this program. I fully believe that this program has and will continue to save my life. I am looking forward to finding out who I really am and what I truly want. I found the best article on taking a break from dating on Psychologytoday.com. This article really hit home for me:

Grant Hilary Brenner M.D.

ExperiMentations

5 Reasons to Take a Break From Dating

When is it time to hit pause and regroup?

Posted Mar 13, 2018

Relationships can be a source of personal growth and shared satisfaction. Relationships bring out our best when we are thriving with one another. Even in times of trouble, when they are based on solid foundations, and partners are committed to one another, relationships can be a source of strength and an opportunity for mutual growth. At other times, relationships are destructive, causing more harm than good and presenting few opportunities for shared constructive change. Dysfunctional relationships are akin to an addiction.
People with insufficiently addressed developmental trauma may express interpersonal patterns that repeat internalized childhood experiences of abuse and neglect, co-creating a toxic situation (an "irrelationship"), which holds both partners back. As with addictions, relationships like this are usually only helpful in so far as those involved overcome denial and dissociation, and they are often characterized by anger, hurt, and stagnant conflict. Getting to this sad and lonely tipping point forces us to recognize that there are serious issues we have been ignoring, and may allow us to approach change in unfamiliar, ultimately constructive ways.
Even after seeing these patterns, it's hard not to jump from one relationship into the next, practicing "serial monogamy." Being single may even seem like a horrible, intolerable, even shameful place, to be avoided at all costs. It may seem impossible to forego romance and intimacy and stick with friendship, or even leisurely courtship. On the other hand, leaving someone we already have formed a bond with is very different from taking a break from relationships altogether. Whether there is something worth salvaging — the million-dollar question — depends on what investment we have already made in a relationship, how compatible we are with our partners, and how likely we are in the longer term to move into a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

People at times cannot tolerate being alone, even when it is a good idea. There are many reasons for this, related to childhood history, attachment style, habit, sexuality, and so on. People who can't tolerate being alone are at times using relationships to "self-medicate" feelings of loneliness and unworthiness, fears of abandonment and rejection, depressive feelings, and related anxieties and worries. Being locked into relationships to manage such states of mind also leads to fighting which goes in circles, without leading to accord or solutions. Here are the reasons why taking a break from dating can help us to sort through other issues, so that when we get back in the saddle, there's a chance of relationships going in better directions:

1. Relationships can be re-traumatizing.
Aside from possibly being traumatizing in and of themselves, rough breakups can trigger issues from prior breakups and disappointing relationships going back even to childhood. The pattern of becoming close, feeling safe and hopeful, and then growing apart and experiencing pain, confusion, and loss may be repeating patterns of intimacy and dysfunction formed in relation to our primary caregivers.

2. Dysfunctional relationships prevent personal growth.
Being caught up in the drama of dysfunctional relationships can distract from what is important, tying up our resources in futile efforts to achieve closeness with someone ill-suited. Too often, people get embroiled in desperate efforts to force a relationship to work when the fit is clearly very poor, or worse, sadomasochistic. Making heroic efforts to make such relationships work seems admirable on one level, yet such relationships are confusing and dismaying, and they are not really about the triumph of love. Even in the absence of formal therapeutic efforts, being in a dysfunctional relationship can interfere with baseline resilience, and abstaining from typically frenzied dating efforts can help get your life back on track. It can be hard to make good relationship choices, especially when we are hoping on some level that a romantic relationship will solve our problems.
3. Relationships interfere with psychotherapy.

People who experienced issues with caregivers growing up often find it hard to recognize when they need help, and find it difficult to get help even when they seek it out. Unfortunately, therapy can get hijacked by relationship problems, distracting from the underlying issues. People tend to get stuck in blame. We can blame the other person, spending valuable time in therapy spinning about injustices, feeling victimized, debating who was right or wrong, trying to get the therapist to referee, and so on. 
We can blame ourselves, using up psychotherapy sessions in self-recrimination and rumination, rather than understanding what the underlying issues are, making connections on emotional levels, and preparing to make better decisions about dating before jumping right back into it. When this happens, it is possible to reflect on relationship struggles as they are unfolding, but often it's better to take a time-out from dating and seriously reflect on what has been happening — rather than pouring gasoline on the fire we are also trying to extinguish.
4. Relationships can keep us from doing what we really want to do.
Dysfunctional relationships can burn up time like nothing else. Relationship dysfunction can be all-consuming, occupying not just time, but also tying up cognitive and emotional resources, hijacking and undermining friendships, and creating obsessions and compulsions which interfere with work and other important personal pursuits. We can lose sight of our own basic needs, letting self-care fall by the wayside and forgetting what we wanted in the first place. Relationships can keep us from sorting out other important areas in life, interfering with career decisions and other major life changes. Taking a break from relationships when the time is right can clear a path for positive developments.
5. Letting ourselves get pulled into familiar relationships can prevent us from finding new relationships.
In the states of desperation and distraction common to dysfunctional relationships, we are not only unlikely to meet partners who are a good fit, but we are also unlikely to recognize them when they are there. Instead, in survival mode, we make reflexive, conditioned choices, tending to pick partners who seem different, but end up being the same, falling back on what is familiar. Relationships can start out seeming so perfect, only to go south so fast.
If we are tied up in relationships which aren't working, keeping promises we have made to partners who aren't a good fit, we are not really available to others. Being in a relationship which is unhappy clouds judgment and creates unnecessary confusion, making it difficult to figure out if an alternative is a good choice and leading to paralysis or ill-advised, impulsive decisions. Taking the pressure off finding a relationship can make it possible to think about issues more clearly, approach relationships with the intention to thrive (rather than survive), and find someone who isn't necessarily "perfect," but with whom we can build and sustain a desired relationship with over time.

Assertiveness

I found a great article on PsychologyToday.com about assertiveness. I know this is something I have needed to work on for quite awhile and I am grateful that without all of the time and focus on my addiction, I will be able to do this. The article follows:

Seth J. Gillihan Ph.D.

Think, Act, Be

5 Benefits of Asserting Your Needs—and How to Start Today

Anyone can learn the art of respectful assertiveness.

Posted Jan 18, 2018

If you've ever had to express your needs directly to another person, you know it can be hard to do. Our wishes aren't always aligned with the other person's, like when we ask for a refund for something we bought, or try to end a conversation with someone who just won't stop talking. Asking for what we need is the principle behind assertiveness. This idea is often confused with aggression, as if being assertive means demanding that others give us what we want.O n the contrary though, being assertive falls between being passive or being aggressive, as Alberti and Emmons make clear in their classic book, Your Perfect Right. It can be a fine line to walk, but one worth practicing because of the benefits that come from greater assertiveness. 

A few years ago I experienced some of the downsides of not directly expressing what I needed. I was about to go into a therapy session with a patient at the treatment center where I was working. I knew my boss had been looking for me but hoped it could wait so I wouldn't be late to my session. I thought about telling my boss I'd be free in an hour but I was afraid he'd be annoyed with me for not being available, so instead I started my session and put up my "Do Not Disturb" sign.
A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I was instantly irritated and ignored the knock as I continued with my session, hoping he would realize I wasn't available. A moment later there was another knock, this time louder. When the third knock came I stood up angrily, threw open the door, and said to my boss, "Could you please stop knocking on my door?" 
Only after the words had left my mouth did I see the director of the agency standing next to him, so I had not only barked at my boss but had just embarrassed him in front of his own boss. It would have been uncomfortable to handle the situation sooner and more directly, but doing so would have spared me a mini-outburst that caused a serious rift between my boss and me—not to mention some awkwardness for the person I was treating.

This example also highlights a common outcome when we're not assertive: Our frustration builds as we say nothing, until we finally explode and express ourselves aggressively. 
The assertive thing to do would have been to let my boss know that I'd be free in an hour if that would fit his schedule. Appropriate assertiveness is about balancing our own needs with those of others.

A recent journal article by Brittany Speed and colleagues summarized some of the many benefits of being more assertive of our needs. They include:

Less Anxiety. Social anxietyimproves with greater assertiveness; as we face our fear of upsetting others and let them know what we want and need, our fears diminish. In the process, we often discover that we don't get the upset reaction we expected from the other person. 

Less Depression. Asking for what we need can lead to greater need fulfillment, which can lift our spirits. We also enjoy an enhanced sense of self-efficacy, boosting our view of ourselves and raising our mood.

Greater Self-Esteem. We practice self-respect when we honor our own needs, which can enhance our view of ourselves. We also provide validation of our perspective by asserting our needs to others. 

Greater Sense of Agency. It's easy to feel like a powerless pushover when we're passively swallowing our needs. By exercising our ability to advocate for ourselves, we reclaim control over our lives.

Better Relationships. If assertiveness were selfish or aggressive, we would expect it to hurt our relationships. On the contrary, research shows that greater assertiveness actually improves relationships, making them more harmonious and satisfying. Good things happen when people express their needs directly to one another.

If you don't see yourself as an assertive person, take heart: Assertiveness can be learned. My go-to self-help book on the topic is Your Perfect Right, which I often recommend to individuals I work with who could benefit from more assertive communication.
Ready to start practicing today? Here are some principles to follow:

Be honest with yourself. What do you need in a particular situation? Beware of any tendency to discount your wishes. (See this earlier post on identifying our needs.)

Be direct and unapologetic as you let the other person know what you need.

Aim to be positive, expecting a positive response from the other person. This approach can help the interaction get off on the right foot.

Take responsibility for your needrather than making it about the other person. For example, let your partner know that you'd enjoy spending more evenings together, rather than criticizing him or her for being unavailable.

Remind yourself that you are perfectly within your rights to have needs and to express them to people in a position to respond.

Keep in mind the balance you're aiming for—honoring your wishes and those of the other person. A collaborative approach is always the best when possible.

Tend to your non-verbal behaviors. As the authors of Your Perfect Right point out, only part of assertiveness has to do with the words we use. Assertive behavior also is about:

Eye contact—neither avoiding the person's eyes nor staring them down.

Facial expression—one that matches the words we're saying (e.g., not smiling if we're describing frustration).

Posture—standing up straight and facing the person directly, rather than "apologizing" through our body language.

Physical distance—too close signals aggression; too far away, passivity.

Gestures—moving in a relaxed and fluid way that suggests confidence(whether or not we feel it).

Vocal quality—speaking in a clear, firm tone rather than yelling or speaking meekly.

Day 150

Well, today is day #150 of NC and my recovery! I am so absolutely proud of myself, I can't articulate how much. I know I have had my ups and downs over the past 150 days but this evening I am feeling good about myself and my progress. Even when I have been in a tough place, I have not reached out to my recent qualifier or any past qualifiers. Moreover I have not actively searched for any new ones either. I have also been blessed with unexpected benefits besides sobriety from being a part of SLAA. The ability to effectively manage emotions, get to know myself, cultivate a relationship with God, set boundaries, and develop a stronger relationship with my family and friends, especially with my son. Engaging in my hobbies, getting plenty of exercise, and working to improve myself are other benefits. To that end, I started writing my personal statement for my grad school application this evening! I need a minimum of 3 pages and I am on page 2 now! One day at a time.

Treading Water

Some days all you can manage to do is tread water and that's where I am today. This week has been such a shit show, I can't wait until it's over. Things have been progressively getting worse as the week wears on. I haven't heard from my PCP regarding my medication dosage increase request, I have been unable to find my iPod therefore I haven't exercised, and my ex has been trying to pick fights daily. This evening he hung up on me when I was speaking to my son and I called back to tell my son that I loved him. After the call, my ex messaged me and told me that my son said he wished I wouldn't call back at all. Last night, my ex was trying to get me to give him money. I truly can't stand the guy and this is NOT the week where I have an abundance of patience and tolerance. Right now I am on a meeting and as soon as it's over, I am going to bed!!! God, grant me the serenity....

Pray for your enemies

I haven't been having the best couple of days. It all started yesterday when I realized that my $150 iPod was missing. I need music to workout so the fact that this is missing is a pretty big deal. I looked all over for it yesterday and today but I guess it's gone. So I ordered another (cheaper) mp3 player and I have decided to take this week off from exercise. Also, my mood has been crappy too which makes nothing better.
Then my ex started a fight with me.
I heard from a wise person once that you should pray for your enemies. This helps them and you too. I am heading off to bed early tonight and I think I am going to give this a shot. My ex could use the extra prayers! Lol

April 2

I have had a rough and emotional day so I am just going to post my daily meditation from Answers in the Heart:

Faith is the subtle chain which binds us to the infinite. — Elizabeth Oakes Smith

Surrendering ourselves to a Higher Power is a big step. As addicts, trust has not been one of our strong points. On top of that, Step Three says we surrender to the “care” of God. Feeling cared for — nurtured, trusted, listened to — may not feel familiar either. The idea of a Higher Power who actually cares for us can seem pretty foreign. A starting place can be the idea of simply making a decision. When we do that, we will be shown the way to turn our will and life over to the care of God. Building a relationship with our Higher Power is like building any other relationship; it takes time, honesty, and faith. God doesn’t require perfect faith, only our willingness. If we do our part, God will do the rest. Faith is knowing that which is beyond knowledge and seeing that which is beyond sight.

SLAA Basic Text

So as you know, I have been struggling alot in the past few weeks. On my drive home from my mom's this evening, I finally formulated a plan that I think will help me feel better. Starting tonight, I plan to start rereading the Basic Text of SLAA. I got so much out of it the first time I read it plus I don't think I have ever read it completely all of the way through. I think it will help me to read it all the way through once again to sort of hammer the information into my brain. I hope that once I am done reading it again, I will have more success with working the Steps, talking and sharing during meetings, and getting a Sponsor. I don't want to give up anytime soon because I fully believe this program has the potential to completely change my life. But I actually need to work the program for that to happen. Wish me luck!