Trust in God

I have been having a rough couple of days and I am not sure why. My mood has been low and I have been feeling depressed and discouraged. I am sick of trying so hard to fight addictions that are so strong, it's just a daily struggle that has me feeling pretty hopeless at times.
Today I talked to my therapist and attended a SLAA meeting this evening so I am feeling a tiny bit better now. I need to spend much more time praying and much less time fantasizing and obsessing.

Discouragement

Today I feel discouraged. I have 2 active addictions that are both pretty strong. Because I am sober from sex and love addiction, I have been leaning heavily on my food addiction which really bothers me. I have worked extremely hard to lose the weight I have lost but lately I feel as if I am facing an uphill battle. I constantly feel empty and if I won't let love and sex fill that emptiness, then I reach for food. I am honestly not sure what to do except for constantly praying to God. I can't manage nor control these addictions and I am becoming increasingly hopeless by trying to. Because I am no longer actively engaging in my addiction, I have been feeling like I don't have much to look forward to. As screwed up as it sounds, that addiction provided excitement and fulfillment on some level for me.
What if it never gets better? What if I always feel like this in recovery? I don't think I could bear that.

12 weeks

Today marks 12 weeks since I had contact with my qualifier. I am really proud of myself and very excited that I have come this far. No matter if I miss the addiction or not, I must remember that I owe it to myself to never go back to that addiction. That hopelessness, the yawning feeling of emptiness that never gets filled, that chasing of a fantasy that never could be real life...all of that is over for me. I deserve better. And I will have better. One day at a time.

Early Recovery Qualities

The following is a helpful article on early recovery from Addiction.com:

Early recovery includes the first 90 days of sobriety and can last up to the first year or so of recovery. The truth is, there’s no agreement on what constitutes “early recovery,” but what you’ll find here should be a good overview of this important time and offer you guidance on some tried-and-true ways to help sustain your recovery. You may, though, hear other definitions for this period in your sobriety.

What’s most important to understand is that early recovery is an opportunity for you to start fresh. You are now sober, perhaps for the first time in a very long time. This definitely will entail a lot of work (no question about that), and you may find that everything around you feels very real all of a sudden. You may find that various emotions come and go rapidly, without warning. Take this time to understand what you’re feeling, exactly, how to feel and allow yourself to process what it is you’re feeling, even if it is scary or just unfamiliar. This may involve a daily and even a minute-by-minute struggle. The fact is, recovery, just like whatever treatment you were given for your addiction(s), is unique to each person. There’s no straight path that every single addict follows. Here are some things you can do to stay the course and ensure you maintain your recovery in the early days, beyond the first three months or so:

Make time for play. Now that you’re in early recovery, you’ve likely realized that staying sober is a lot of hard work and it can be exhausting — and you’re likely ready for some playtime; you’ve earned it, after all. Taking time to enjoy yourself with healthy activities and relationships is an excellent way to add joy to your day and embrace life in recovery. What you choose to do in your playtime is entirely up to you — and it doesn’t have to be elaborate or take up a big chunk of time to be worthwhile. If you love reading, for example, take some time to loose yourself in a favorite book. Or, say music really gets you enthused, create a favorite playlist for your ride to and from work, school, 12-step meetings and daily errands. If you have kids, you may even want to involve them by taking a trip to the park or local museum. Whatever you choose, think of playtime as a much-needed opportunity to unwind, relax and rejuvenate. And, perhaps, the best part: You’ll be better prepared mentally to tackle those scheduled recovery tasks (meetings, counseling, goal setting) once you’ve played a little.

Be proud of milestones. In the world of 12-step programs, anniversaries and other milestones are a big deal, first celebrated by the awarding of plastic chips to acknowledge 24 hours, 30 days, 60 days and then 90 days of sobriety. At the one-year milestone, you’ll receive a bronze coin. Most people in recovery look on their first-year anniversary as the time when their sober life truly began to take form and shape. It’s a celebration of the hard work it took to get to this point in your recovery, and recognition of an achievement in creating a solid foundation of recovery.

Try not to let urges upset you. It’s common for cravings to surface in early recovery – even years after successfully being in recovery, sometimes. The fact that you have cravings shouldn’t be cause for concern; it’s how you handle them that matters most. It’s often said that if you can make it through 20 minutes (about the length of time a craving lasts), you’ll be fine. Distract yourself with games, reading, chores, work, exercise, calling a friend or your sponsor or prayer. Even a simple counting exercise can break the spell. If your cravings don’t hew to the 20-minute rule, monitor how long they last then develop your coping strategies accordingly.

Mix up meetings. If you’ve decided to go the 12-step route, part of this process will, of course, include regularly attending meetings. Pick one location to serve as your main hub, so to speak — that is, the one meeting you commit to attending each week regardless of any other meetings you go to; your home group is most likely the one where your sponsor is. But you’ll probably also want to mix up meetings to keep things from getting too rote or boring. So, from time to time, try out different locations; you’ll get a feel for the personalities and group energy at each of these and will undoubtedly find one or more other groups that naturally appeal to you. This mix can be crucial in helping you to keep a fresh perspective and continue to learn. Plus, you’ll widen your circle of sober friends and acquaintances.

Choose friends wisely. By now you know that you need to steer clear of all the people, places and other influences that made you more likely to use. If you try to maintain friendships with those who continue to drink, do drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors, you may realize that you have little or nothing in common anymore. More important, they are likely to jeopardize your sobriety. For example, anyone who’s tried to drink soda while their friends get loaded or stoned can attest to the fact that once you’ve adopted a sober lifestyle with conviction, being around falling-down drunks just isn’t that appealing.

Which is not to say it’s going to be easy to part with some of these old friendships or to break long-standing patterns of hanging out at happy hour with co-workers. You can either be upfront about it, explaining that you’re in recovery and choose not to use, or you can politely excuse yourself and simply say that you have other obligations. It’s really up to you; what’s important is that you find a way to remove yourself from these triggers. If you continue to hang out with people who use your drug(s) of choice, there may soon come a time when you say, for example, “What the heck? Give me a drink.” Before you know it, you’ve relapsed. Why take the chance? Early recovery is just too soon to put yourself in these potentially jeopardizing situations.

Prepare yourself for PAWS. Many addicts don’t see post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS)coming. This condition, which can last from one month to several years after you stop using, includes a variety of symptoms, ranging from irritability, sleep troubles and intermittent anxiety to prolonged depression. Often, there’s an accompanying lack of motivation that can make doing regular things — going to work, eating dinner or watching a movie, for example — nearly unbearable. About half the time, these symptoms will simply disappear over the course of your recovery. For the other half, though — especially if you’re experiencing depression and it’s not going away — you will want to talk with your health care provider about the possibility of taking an antidepressant and/or starting talk therapy with cognitive-behavioral and other strategies.

Avoid dating. The “one-year rule” for waiting on romance/sex has been long used by AA and other self-help groups as a way to help safeguard recovery. The reason: Caring for yourself should be your primary objective now and a relationship can distract you from those efforts. You’re also still learning about yourself — and especially your new self, without drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex or whatever you used. This means you may not be in the best place to judge who would be a suitable partner. It’s also important to note that it’s easy to become addicted to the high of a new relationship and/or sex. (This, of course, is particularly dangerous for those who are in recovery from love, sex and/or porn addiction(s).) Visit our Dating section in to read more about the dangers of dating in early recovery.

Continue to work on making amends. Making amends to those whom you’ve wronged is likely part of your recovery plan, especially if you attend 12-step meetings. This step can take a few days or many years to finish; there’s no set timeline. By making amends, you’re setting past wrongs or repairing any damage caused by mistakes you made. The exception, however, is if doing so would cause more harm. Making amends is more than just praying and meditating on these mistakes, but whenever possible, taking action to repair what needs to be fixed. If you stole money from a family member to pay a gambling debt, for example, making amends would mean paying back the money.

Watch out for overconfidence. After being in recovery for a while, it may start to seem like you’ve got it all down. You know what to do and you’ve begun to feel like you can handle any situation. As a result, you may let some of your regular recovery to-do items slide, like regularly attending 12-step meetings or practicing self-care habits like healthy eating or exercising. If you find yourself becoming complacent or overly confident about your sobriety, you may need to reassess and reinvest in your recovery program.

Recognize the signs of relapse. Knowing the signs of relapse can give you the time to take proactive steps to avoid slipping back into using. For some, a single trigger can signal relapse is on the way. The key is learning how to recognize the warnings and reaching out for support at the first sign of trouble. Some common signs include:

Increasing feelings of hopelessness or negativityEasily angered or annoyedComplacency or overconfidenceIncreased stressSkipping meetingsPutting yourself in risky situationsLoss of interest in family, friends and activities

Apply the rules of healthy living. Addiction takes a tremendous toll on the body as well as the mind, and it’s very common for addicts to neglect basic self-care. To build your body back up, it’s crucial that you eat regular, well-balanced, nutritious meals; get ample, good-quality sleep each night so you wake up refreshed, renewed and ready to take on the day; and schedule some time every day to be physically active and to de-stress. All are crucial not just for regaining your health, but also to ensure you have the fortitude to stay sober, in early recovery and beyond. Visit the Healthy Living section for more tips.

Develop your spiritual side. You’ve been through a lot. So it’s natural to feel physically, emotionally and spiritually drained by the experience. As you make your way through recovery, take the time to reawaken (or awaken for the first time) your spirituality; many people in recovery find that doing so can greatly enhance quality of life and strengthen recovery. You don’t need to be a religious person to be spiritual; a spiritual connection can be cultivated through mindfulness meditation, yoga or simply walking in nature. Mantras, prayers and affirmations can help reinforce both your spiritual self and your commitment to a sober, healthy life.

Take time to have fun. Having a good time without using may be a brand-new experience for you, so it can definitely take some patience and practice to figure this out. Start simple and go to a funny movie or comedy show with a friend, or work on a hobby. Maybe a visit to a spa, or redecorating a room, is more therapeutic for you. Whatever it is you find relaxing and fulfilling is ultimately good for your recovery.

“Feel your feelings.” Sit in on a couple of 12-step meetings and this is one of the recovery buzz phrases that you’re sure to hear. Seasoned members have learned (often the hard way) that one of the biggest mistakes those in early recovery can make is to deny the emotional place in which you find yourself. Convinced that emotions are less important than actions, or that you’re unjustified, unreasonable or unspeakable, you may ignore, avoid or “stuff” them. When you dismiss feelings as silly, unfounded or not worth exploring, they don’t go away, though; they simply move underground, so to speak, to a place where they can come back later. While it’s true that emotions shouldn’t rule us, it’s also true that moving from a life of addiction — with all of its established characteristics and predictable outcomes — to a life of sobriety is going to produce difficult, uncomfortable feelings. Do your best to look at these honestly and give yourself space and time to sort them out, as they arise.

Mind your financial responsibilities. Who doesn’t feel stressed out by bills? You may have a mountain of these to deal with following treatment, too. If you’re just getting back on your feet, it’s tempting to bury bill in a drawer or just ignore them completely. But as you’ve learned from your treatment, if you leave things untended long enough, they’ll only get worse. Part of structuring your environment in early recovery is making a serious effort to stay on top of your finances. Even if you can’t pay all your bills right now, you can talk to a financial counselor to come up with a plan that will put you on track to eventually meet your obligations. Ask your 12-step sponsor or a friend or family member for a recommendation, or call your creditors yourself and work out a repayment schedule. Even if you’re behind on your mortgage, most lenders would much rather receive some payment each month than have to foreclose on your property.

Keep in mind that walking away from your monetary responsibilities carries some long-term consequences and is especially damaging to your credit. But perhaps even more important is the fact that abandoning your responsibilities goes against what you’ve learned about being in recovery. Though it is not your fault that you have an addiction, you do need to accept responsibility for your actions. And your financial responsibilities are part of that.

Set, and complete, goals. It’s important to carve out some time in your schedule for creating recovery goals. You need time to think, dream and create short- and long-term goals and the action plans to go along with each. Begin with a more easily attainable goal, like being on time for work every day, or taking your child out for ice cream after school once a week. Think of your goal-setting as an ongoing process, one that you will never be done with. It’s important to continually strive for something on the horizon that gets you closer to the life you want to live — even if that may seem a little nebulous in these early days of your recovery.

Positivity has returned!

I am thrilled to report that my positive thinking returned today. Along with it came a renewed sense of hope and peace. I guess when I am feeling the way that I had been feeling for the past few days, I just need to be patient and the negative feelings will go away eventually. I always thank God when I am feeling a sense of hope and peace because then I know and feel without a doubt that everything will be okay. I will heal one day and go on to have a truly healthy partnership, one based on mutual love, respect, trust, and honesty. A relationship where I won't have to abandon myself over and over just to receive crumbs of half-hearted attention. I trust in God and myself that one day I will have healthy relationships with others and maintain personal boundaries that show that I love myself and I won't let myself be treated poorly ever again.

Friday night cravings

Well, today I can say that I am here and that's about it. I am feeling restless and lonely, especially for a physical connection. When I feel like this is when I start to reminisce about how my life was so much "better" when my qualifier was in it. I know that's untrue and pure garbage but our brains have a weird way of trying to trick us back into our addiction. I don't miss him really, he was an awful and horrible person that treated me abysmally. My addiction misses the "high" that I got when I was with him. I am still praying for that intense craving to lessen but tonight it's still pretty strong.

Day 80

On this milestone day, I felt compelled to post. Both because I want to recognize my achievement and write about how much I am struggling this evening. I am a perfectionist and I had many little things that went wrong today which seemed to throw me into a downward spiral. I started to feel restless and like I needed to act out in some way in order to relieve my discomfort. I ended up coming home and binge eating. Then I was talking with a guy who I thought was interested in me only to find out that he still loves his ex. Nevermind that I am in recovery and have committed to taking a break from relationships. This made me feel sorry for myself which is one of my go-to feelings when I get in these moods. I am not interested in starting a relationship but knowing someone was interested in pursuing me would help me to feel alive after the past 3 months of sobriety.
Then I felt like I missed my ex but I knew better. I miss the fantasy of someone coming to "save" me. I miss physical closeness. I am uncomfortable in my own skin and I must admit powerlessness and seek out solace from God. He's the only one who can save me, the sad truth is that I can't even save myself from this painfully devastating addiction.

Observations

What a great week it has been thus far! I have been feeling positive and hopeful. I have been praying to God for strength and for Him to grant me patience and freedom from the obsessions. Needless to say, it has comforted me a great deal. This is especially true when I am laying in bed at night when it's completely silent. Then I am free to have many serious conversations with God and truly ask for help in healing myself and the lifetime of unhealthy relationship patterns. I have been attending SLAA phone meetings every single night and I am getting much more comfortable with those as well. Very shortly, I will actually start to speak and give out my phone number so that I can get some recovery partners. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I look forward to my future with a sense of hope and peace! 😊

The 12 Steps of SLAA

The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.*
1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had
become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

* ©1985 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps are reprinted and
adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that
A.A. is affiliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only. Use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs
and activities, which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise.

Powerlessness

Many people, myself included, do not like to admit we are powerless over anything. Not having any type of control over a situation is enough to make some people lose their minds.
However I realize for the first time in my entire life that I must admit powerlessness and give up all control. I must turn everything over to God. And I mean everything. This includes my love addiction, my food addiction, my co-parenting with my ex-husband (which even after 2 years of separation continues to disintegrate into a shit show), my health, my job, the health of my loved ones, and everything else that I can't think of but that I have absolutely no control over. Giving up control is scary but it is also extremely liberating and calming. Every time throughout the day that I need strength, I just pray.
On April 19, I am taking a trip to Buffalo with my dance friends for a clogging convention. This will be a trigger for me because my qualifier lives in Buffalo. I am hoping the urge won't be as strong 3 months from now but I will pray for strength that weekend and everyday leading up to it.

Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed this evening. I have been struggling with withdrawal for the past few days. For whatever reason, I am fiercely missing my qualifier. Or missing acting out in my addiction. I am not sure.
I need to admit complete and utter powerlessness. I need to pray and lean on God every single minute of every single day. I need to beg Him to grant me patience and the strength to work towards healing and recovery.
I want to pray for a sense of hope for the future which I have been struggling to feel. I want to pray for help in this program because lately I have realizedjust how sick I am. And I am truly terrified by this realization.

Acting Out

Today is day 75 of NC. Today I miss acting out with every fiber of my being. Earlier, I unblocked my qualifier for 2 hours because of the withdrawal pain I am in today. I didn't contact him, he didn't notice, and I reblocked him after I came to my senses.
This disease, this addiction, SUCKS so effing much!!! It's so painful to abstain from all of these behaviors that I have clung to my entire life. Tonight I just feel uncomfortable in my body. I also feel restless and empty. I really have been having many urges and impulses that I have been making a conscious effort to not act on and with the exception of unblocking and reblocking, I have not acted on any of these.
I must trust that my life has played out this way for a reason and that God has led me to this place in order to heal, grow, and change. I need to accept that I have powerlessness over my addiction and that I can sit with these urges and impulses and not act on them. These feelings will go away eventually and I will feel better one day if I work the program and make an effort to be still with myself.
Right now, I need to work on having more patience and giving control of my life to God.

Triggers

Today was a fairly decent day. I felt pretty positive for the most part. One thing happened that did bother me though. It was definitely a trigger. I saw a man who looked alot like my qualifier. It was hard, it felt like I couldn't breathe for a second and the feeling of longing that I had for my qualifier was so intense. I had to shake myself out of it and force myself back into the present. One day at a time!!!

Bottom Line Behaviors

My program encourages those in recovery from sex and love addiction to set their own bottom line behaviors. These are simply things that you will commit to not doing anymore.
Because tonight marks the 11th week since I last had sex, I thought I would post 2 of my own bottom line behaviors. More will be forthcoming of course:

1.) I will not contact my qualifier in any way, shape, or form.
2.) I will only have sex with a man if I am in love with him.

Love

Love is something that I have been thinking alot about lately. Namely, what it is and is not. I have heard that love is an action, it's something you show someone in how you treat them. It's not simply words, words are cheap. I have been thinking about this topic because I have never been in love in all of my life. But it's definitely on my bucket list.
If I want to experience it, I then must understand it. Here's an informative article from Lifehack.org:

What Is Love and What Is Not
By Amber Pariona

Love is a 4-letter word that has probably crossed your mind one time or another. It either strikes fear in the hearts of some or motivates others. Its existence and meaning has been a topic of discussion and debate for centuries. Just what is love?

This age-old question has been asked by everyone from love-struck teens to romantic poets and philosophers to curious scientists. Guess what? We have the answer to the “what is love” question. And the answer is….. (drumroll please)…..

It depends on your perspective. Let’s look at a few first:

Different Definitions of Love

From a Romantic’s Perspective: Love Is Perfect

What is love to you? Do you think it should be easy with no disagreements, ever? Or maybe you think that romantic partners should always just understand each other? If this is your idea of love, you might be a romantic at heart.

I hate to break it to you, but true love at first sight is unlikely. It actually takes work to maintain that feeling. According to Sally Connolly, a relationship therapist with 30 years of experience, insisting on the idea of perfect love can actually make your relationship pretty unhealthy.1

From a Scientist’s Perspective: Love Is About Our Sense of Smell

If you’re a more analytically- oriented person, you might believe that love is related to biology. This idea about what is love, is actually backed up by scientific evidence. Researchers at the Swiss University of Bern have conducted research on the connection between our sense of smell and our attraction to another person. They discovered that major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes in human DNA may cause us to feel love for another person.

From a Realistic Person’s Perspective: Love Is Like the Ocean

A realistic perspective of love is to know that love is like the ocean, full of ever-changing waves and tides. Feeling this way about love is having a more balanced and normal definition of this elusive emotion. Understanding that question about what is love exactly, isn’t easy. Love takes hard work, which in the long run, will prepare you for a healthier, more fulfilling, and longer lasting relationship.

What is Love Not?

While the definition of love might depend on your perspective, there are some very clear things that are definitely not love. What is love not? Take a look:

Infatuation VS Love

Infatuation is that feeling we have at the beginning of a relationship. The love that keeps us awake at night, distracts us during the day, and makes us feel exhilarated – that love, is actually infatuation. Because this is what you feel while falling in love with somebody, it’s easy to mistake infatuation for love. Being infatuated, instead of actually in love is a trap all too many of us fall into time and time again.3 You ask yourself, “what is love?” and then convince yourself it must be this feeling. If that is what you believe, the first time your relationship is challenged, it isn’t likely to survive. Real love, however, is long lasting.

Lust VS Love

It’s possible to confuse love for lust, but the 2 are not the same. How can you tell the difference? Well, if you’re more interested in the bedroom than conversation, or you’re focused on your partner’s looks, or you don’t like to sleep over after intimacy – you’re probably feeling lust rather than love.4 This can be an easy trap to fall into because it’s our natural response to always hope for the best and sometimes we do so much hoping that we end up convincing ourselves of something that simply isn’t true. It’s always easy to ignore when something isn’t quite right about a relationship, because saying goodbye to people you care about is just too difficult. Responding to “what is love” with lust, can get you caught up in a fantasy relationship instead of letting you find the real thing.

Friendship VS Love

Friendship and love often feel similar, which can be confusing. This is because we can feel love for a friend or feel like our romantic partner is also our friend. It’s easy to mistake friendship for love because we often spend so much time with our friends that we can’t imagine a life without them by our sides. This, of course, is the same feeling we have about our significant others. The lines can sometimes be blurry. So, if you’re feeling confused about your relationship with somebody, try focusing on your chemistry, level of intimacy, and intensity of your feelings. Generally speaking, the more intense your feelings about another person, the more likely it is that you are actually in love rather than in a friendship.

Emotionally Dependent VS Love

Sometimes we might think we’re in love, but it’s actually an emotional dependency. How can you tell? Well, there are a couple questions you can ask yourself. Do you tend to idealize your partner? Or do you have a deep fear of losing them? Or is the way they treat you more important to you than who your partner is? If you answered yes to these questions, you might actually be in an emotionally dependent relationship, which is not love.6 If you discover that you are really experiencing emotional dependency instead of love, don’t be hard on yourself. It’s easy to become emotionally dependent. A lot of the traits of emotional dependency, like idealizing your partner and being afraid of losing them, are normal. These feelings are even expected in romantic relationships, but sometimes we can take it too far. Remember, you are your own person and so is your partner. Love lets us be who we are.

What is Love?

Ok, so now we know what love is not. But, that still leaves the unanswered question: What is love? Love is intangible, independent, universal, caring, unpredictable, and natural. It is far from perfect and gives us the flexibility to experience all of the other emotions, including: anger, fear, grief, and pain7 Love isn’t something we can go out and buy, something we can hand out as a reward for a job well done, nor is a something we can count. Most importantly, love is something that is given freely without prior conditions put in place. Understanding these things is the first step toward finding true love.

Progress not Perfection

I had a much better day today than I have had lately. Part of it was going back to work, back to my usual routine. Another part was making myself go to the gym after work, which I am now so proud of myself for doing. And the best part of my day was attending my SLAA meeting.
A few years ago, I first heard the saying "progress not perfection". As soon as I heard it, I knew it was a quote I needed to adopt for my life. Throughout my entire life, I have always strived for perfection and that is just not realistic. I think this program will give me sobriety and recovery but it will also give me tools to help me live my life in a completely new way. Here's to new beginnings and making positive changes!

Day 70

Today is day #70 of NC/sobriety. While I should be very happy with my progress, I have been utterly miserable for the past 2 days. I have been experiencing a great deal of emotional pain. It's been very challenging to maintain my sobriety this weekend. I feel equal parts hopeless, impatient, restless, sad, miserable, and empty. I just keep thinking that I need to hear from my qualifier. Like I have a gnawing need to hear from him, see him, touch him, etc. But it's hard to face the fact that all of these thoughts are not reality and WILL NOT make me feel better in any way. This gnawing need represents the need I have to connect with and trust in God. My qualifier cannot and will not save me. I need to develop a relationship with God and put my trust and faith in that relationship. One day at a time, God help me.

The 12th Characteristic of Sex and Love Addiction

What follows is an awesome article about the 12th characteristic of sex and love addiction, which is my favorite. ( I am having a horrible day and I can't possibly write anything meaningful this evening.):

One thing that happens when you enter recovery—at least one thing that happened to me—is that you finally meet people who’ve been through what you’ve been through. The specific details and contours of their experiences might not be identical, but the internal experiences are often so startlingly similar that when you sit in a meeting, group therapy or any group recovery session, you often feel like the people are drawing things right out of your heart and your mind. It’s scary and comforting at the same time.

You know you’re in the right place when you listen to recovery partners and nod your head “yes” over and over again. You know you’re in the right place when you chuckle out loud about things that, to people in the outside world, would not be funny at all. But to you and everyone in that circle, it’s OK to laugh because you can see yourself and your beautiful human folly right there in front of you. You know you’re in the right place when a recovery partner or member of the fellowship reads a document like The Characteristics of Sex and Love Addictionpublished by Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and just about every one of the characteristics applies in some way, large or small, to you and your journey.

This short article is about the last characteristic on the list—We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations—and how it applies to me and my journey to recovery from sex addiction. More specifically, I’ll discuss how it applies directly to the component of my addiction that’s more accurately labeled “love addiction.”

Assigning Magical Qualities

It took me reaching bottom and ending up in SLAA meetings before I realized that my addiction was not just sexual in nature, but there was a love addiction aspect to it as well. It occurred to me that perhaps the love addiction was the more powerful part of the whole situation and the sex was simply a symptom or byproduct of the love issues I had experienced. When I first heard a member of the fellowship read the words above, a lightbulb went off in my head and a whole host of past experiences—failed relationships, mostly—flashed through my mind. Like many people who struggle with love, sex and approval addictions, my early adulthood had been a stream of intense romantic relationships that were intensely passionate but, for the most part, extremely short-lived. Not really one-night stands, though. Mine tended to last anywhere from two weeks to two months, but they would inevitably flame out as neither I nor the object of my affection could handle the heat of the relationship.

Time and again, I would meet someone and think that she was “the one.” I would throw myself fully into her, forgetting myself each time. By the end of the first week, I’d be ready to move in together. I never realized that in just a few days I would jump to a place that it takes most people a year or two to reach, and I never realized that I was stuck in an unhealthy pattern. The more healthy the object of my attention, the person to whom I assigned the “magical qualities,” the more quickly it would end. The other person would break it off, telling me I was “moving too fast” or that I was “way too intense.” Sometimes I would end it when I realized the level of emotion was not being reciprocated. Either way, I never took full ownership or responsibility for the failure of the relationship: I always put it on the other person, without realizing that I was the source of the problem. In retrospect, I realize that, of course, it takes two to tango in any relationship, but nevertheless, I wasn’t even willing to accept my requisite 50 percent—it was always the other person’s fault things ended and never, ever mine. That day in my first SLAA meeting I finally realized what I had done. And yes, all of those relationships came back to me in an instant. I realized that yes, I had been assigning magical qualities to all of these women, and yes, I was blaming them for not fulfilling my fantasies and expectations.

It was a liberating moment. I think I laughed and cried at the same time.

Accepting Responsibility for Myself

Over time, as I peeled back the seemingly infinite layers of my love, sex and intimacy issues, I began to see things more clearly. As I made my way to the core of things, I realized what I had been doing and what was behind all of this “assigning of magical qualities” stuff I’d done over and over in my failed relationships. I realized why I set unrealistic expectations for others: for personal reasons buried deep in my past, I was looking for someone to make me feel safe. I was looking for someone to give me the things I had missed long ago, when I needed them most. I was looking for things that were absolutely, 100 percent impossible for anyone else to give me. I came to understand, on an experiential bone-deep level, a lesson that almost anyone who has been in therapy or recovery or has read a self-help book has heard a thousand and one times: the only person capable of making me feel safe is … me.

This realization makes me laugh out loud to myself almost every time I think about it, because I am not your typical self-help-book-reading, Dr. Phil-quoting, affirmation-spewing type of guy. Part of me is a cynical little early ’80s punk rocker who still holds on to a healthy dose of adolescent attitude. For better or worse, it’s part of who I am. That said, another thing that happens when you’re in recovery: you get a healthy dose of humility and you realize that sometimes—more often than you care to admit—the clichés apply to you, too.

By Angus Whyte

Thank God for my addiction!!!

This is an odd post because I wouldn't normally feel gratitude for an addiction but tonight I do.
I feel the need to thank God for my addiction. For you see, if not for it, I would have never found the way back to myself. Every single weakness I had regarding my feelings for myself and how I viewed and took care of myself was put in the spotlight during my latest "relationship". How little I respected and loved myself came out over and over again with every boundary I allowed him to break, every cruel thing he did or said with no repercussions, every single time I put him and his needs before myself and my needs. Every single time I talked to him or saw him, I sold myself out. I abandoned myself for him. Every. Single. Damn. Time. No more. Never again.

Phantom Semen and PMS

Okay so I admit that the title of this post is rather strange but it's a strange time of the month for me. (Yes, that!)
One day earlier this week, I could have sworn that I smelled fresh semen. Obviously not a realistic option in my home anymore yet I smelled it nonetheless. Which begs the question: when in withdrawal, is it normal to imagine substances that you are addicted to which are not there? It was rather odd because I have not had any physical contact with semen in almost 3 months....hmmm, more mysteries to ponder, I guess!!!

Self-Care

Today I am feeling pretty good. I have been killing it with exercise this week. Running, yoga, lifting weights: they all go a long way in helping me to feel better. I think one of the most important parts of the withdrawal process is practicing good self-care. This includes things such as eating well, drinking plenty of water, getting enough sleep, exercising, and taking time for myself in order to relax and de-stress. I have been doing pretty well with all of these things, most especially in the past few weeks. I also have continued to attend SLAA meetings which has helped me more than I could have ever hoped. One thing that I have been doing but that I need to do more of is journaling. It has taken me many years to realize the true benefits of journaling and it's something that will help me in my recovery.

Taking Your Life Back

This post is about taking your life back once you are sober from your addiction. This is very important and at least in my case, I never truly realized how much of my own life I gave up for my addiction.
For example, I have been consistently lifting weights at the gym for almost 4 years now. Currently I go once a week. Yesterday I went after a very long hiatus and I found myself wondering when I was there last. Because I document all of my workouts, it didn't take me long to find out. October 19th!!! That was a few weeks before I became sober. I gave up many workouts at the gym in order to see my qualifier. After I implemented NC, I was going through withdrawal and then the holidays were here. So I am pretty fricking happy that I finally went back yesterday. Today I feel fantastic, I am just incredibly sore. But it's a good sore! 😊

Euphoric Recall

This is the definition of euphoric recall from Wikipedia: Euphoric recall is a psychological term for the tendency of people to remember past experiences in a positive light, while overlooking negative experiences associated with that event(s).

I had never heard this term before tonight. Interestingly enough, this is something that comes up alot in addiction. When I Googled the term, the number of results dealing with euphoric recall and addiction were many. I plan on doing more research about this topic. I am sure that this new knowledge will further aide me in my recovery.

9 weeks and Best Friends

Today marks 9 weeks since the last time I made contact with my qualifier. This is such an amazing accomplishment and I am so proud of myself! I couldn't have done it without my inner strength, God, and the Fellowship.
Tonight I had the opportunity to reconnect with my best friend of 20 years. We haven't talked much in the last month because of the holidays but it was so nice to spend 3 hours with her on the phone catching up. She makes my soul happy and I am so blessed and proud to call her my best friend! 😊

Sponsership

I have been consistently attending SLAA meetings and I am so pleased with this program. I have never before felt so accepted and understood as I do in these meetings. I need to start working the steps. I purchased a great book that is a guide to working the 12 steps so that should be really helpful. I also need to find a sponsor, start sharing in meetings, and reach out to recovery partners. It's a comfort to know that this process does not have to be perfect and every day I am getting better. Each day represents another day in sobriety and another day removed from the madness that became my life due to my addiction. I thank God everyday that I was blessed to find this program. One day at a time.

Weekends

While I do love the opportunity to relax and recharge on weekends, I have really come to abhor the free time the weekends provide. This is because all of that free time encourages over-thinking which turns into obsession and longing. I need to reorganize my weekends, especially Saturdays, so that I can properly deal with this. I must work on writing and doing my affirmations as well as having constant conversations throughout the day with my Higher Power. I have experienced a few triggers related to my qualifier today. One of these is the Buffalo Bills play-off game tomorrow, he is such a fan. The Bills and him will probably be forever intertwined in my mind. The other trigger was watching a show on my DVR from yesterday. At the bottom of the screen was a listing of the closings in Buffalo and of course his town was on there. *sigh* One day at a time!

Day 60 and Temptations

As you already knew from reading the title, today marks 60 days since I last had contact with my qualifier. Last night was the 9 week anniversary of the last time I had sex. I am extremely proud of myself for the progress I have made. Honestly the night I made the decision to stop speaking to him, I never imagined that I would make it this far!
In other related news, another man continues to text me periodically even though I have informed him of my decision to take a break from intimate relationships. For whatever reason, he won't give up and continues to pursue me. Given the fact that I have explained my decision to him more than once and I know he is not stupid, I am getting angry. This is because he is not respecting my decision or my boundaries. I will not tolerate that from him, my qualifier, nor anyone else. To continue to pursue indicates to me that he is arrogant and not used to being told no. Well, I won't be giving in. If I have the determination to run 2 miles when it's -20 degrees outside, I sure as hell have the determination to commit to my recovery!

Musings of the Celibate Addict

Today I am feeling restless. Restless and horny. I miss sex and the physical connection with another human being. I am sure that part of this is due to hormones. And obviously another part is due to my addiction. But sex, especially good sex, is fun and enjoyable.
However I must practice abstinence until I am much further into my recovery. This really truly sucks. I an having a "poor me" moment and mourning the (temporary) loss of my sex life. *sigh*

Therapy and Insight

Today was my first therapy appointment in a month. My therapist was extremely proud of me and also rather surprised, I think. She told me that she expected me to cave by now and thought I would have reached out in some way to my qualifier. It's been 58 days since I talked to him and 9 weeks since I last saw him!! I am extraordinarily proud of myself.
During my session today, I was reminded of why I love the therapy process so much! It is invaluable to get the input of an impartial person. Also, the insight you are able to get into your life if you have a good therapist can be life-changing! Today was a pretty fantastic day! 😊

Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction

Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction
© 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc.
All Rights Reserved
1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached
to people without knowing them.
2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to painful, destructive
relationships, concealing our dependency needs from ourselves and others, growing more
isolated and alienated from friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God.
3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pursue and involve ourselves in
one relationship after another, sometimes having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at
a time.
4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue
or be rescued.
5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and
commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and envy. We use sex or emotional
dependence as substitutes for nurturing care, and support.
7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control others.
8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or sexual obsessions or fantasies.
9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally
unavailable.
10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities.
11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and
emotional anorexia for recovery.
12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not
fulfilling our fantasies and expectations.

8 weeks of sobriety

This evening marked 8 weeks of NC and sobriety for me. Also, I shared for the first time during one of my meetings tonight and I am so happy that I did. I am looking forward to working the steps, loving myself, and feeling peaceful and comfortable in my recovery. One day at a time.