Day 80

On this milestone day, I felt compelled to post. Both because I want to recognize my achievement and write about how much I am struggling this evening. I am a perfectionist and I had many little things that went wrong today which seemed to throw me into a downward spiral. I started to feel restless and like I needed to act out in some way in order to relieve my discomfort. I ended up coming home and binge eating. Then I was talking with a guy who I thought was interested in me only to find out that he still loves his ex. Nevermind that I am in recovery and have committed to taking a break from relationships. This made me feel sorry for myself which is one of my go-to feelings when I get in these moods. I am not interested in starting a relationship but knowing someone was interested in pursuing me would help me to feel alive after the past 3 months of sobriety.
Then I felt like I missed my ex but I knew better. I miss the fantasy of someone coming to "save" me. I miss physical closeness. I am uncomfortable in my own skin and I must admit powerlessness and seek out solace from God. He's the only one who can save me, the sad truth is that I can't even save myself from this painfully devastating addiction.