Happy New Year's Eve!

Day #55 of NC happened to coincide with New Year's Eve. I have learned so many lessons in 2017. The most meaningful is this: NEVER SETTLE! NEVER EVER WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO SEE YOUR VALUE! IF THEY CAN'T OR WON'T,  STOP ALL COMMUNICATION WITH THEM IMMEDIATELY! THEY AREN'T WORTH ONE MORE SECOND OF YOUR VALUABLE TIME!!! 

Value

I have been thinking this evening about how my qualifier has been the latest lesson of my life. Just the most recent guy where I waited for him to see how much value I have and treat me accordingly. The problem was that I never realized my own value so there was no way that anyone else could either. I am in a great deal of pain tonight because I am obsessing and comparing and wishing things could have been different and that he would have wanted me and chose me. But the truth is that I truly wouldn't want to be chosen by him. He is a bad person so being chosen by him means less than nothing. However one thing that I must realize and give myself credit for, especially during times like tonight where I am struggling is this: I am identifying, validating, and reaffirming my value every damn day that I do not speak to that emotional vampire. It's been 54 days, I refuse to give up or look back!!!

Goals

This evening I can honestly say that I have hope for the future. If I do all the self-work that I need to, set and do affirmations, journal, practice self-care, and work my SLAA program, I am confident that one day I can live addiction-free. Also, if I do all of the work I need to, I can have a healthy relationship one day. Goals have always helped me to aspire for more and I will definitely use them in my favor in the coming days, weeks, and months ahead.

Affirmations and finding understanding

Wow. Well, I have so much stuff swirling through my head right now, I barely know where to begin. First off, last night was rough for me, I dreamt of my qualifier (HIM) and woke up this morning craving him more than I have in many weeks. (Lesson to self: Don't drift off to sleep with thoughts of him in your head.)
At some point during the morning, I decided to unblock his number on my phone so that he could see my new profile picture and "realize what he has been missing". Thankfully I kept him unblocked for only an hour before I realized the huge mistake that I made. I blocked him again long before he ever would have noticed.
I spent the majority of the time today focused on my work. When I got home from work, I watched an hour long video about how to write affirmations and then I just spent the past 70 minutes on a SLAA phone meeting. This was my third one in a row and they are so helpful, I really feel as if I truly belong there. Now I am off to write some effective affirmations! 😊

Withdrawal

When people say that withdrawal is a bitch, they aren't kidding! My brain has thought up all of these outrageous rationalizations of how I should reach out to him. While I give my brain credit for creativity, I will not be giving in to these urges. First of all, I owe myself much more dignity and respect than that. Also, I am damned sure not going to break NC after 51 days! I have done other difficult things in my life, things that I would have never dreamt that I could do. I will do this too!!!

SLAA & Day 50!

Well, today marks 50 days of NC! I have been struggling quite a bit in the past few weeks and I really can't figure out why. I know that part of it was my injury and the fact that I couldn't work out. Tonight I attended my first SLAA meeting and I think another reason that I have been having a tough time is isolation from others who actually know what I am going through and feeling. Don't get me wrong, I have the best friends that a girl could ever ask for however with some things, you just can't truly understand unless you have experienced it first hand. Love addiction is one of those things. And I am so blessed and grateful to have found a group of individuals who can relate, understand, and give me support. Tonight I am actually hopeful for my recovery.

7 weeks

Well, not only was today Christmas Day but it also marks 7 weeks of NC! Honestly this time has dragged by sooo slowly. Usually time goes by much quicker so I hope it starts to go faster soon. On my FB support group, many people have been discussing their exes contacting them on this day. I knew mine would not because Christmas nor any other special day like birthdays mean anything to the man. Moreover, he knows he is blocked through text and clearly has decided to leave me alone permanently. One day, I will truly realize deep down what a true blessing this is....

Christmas Eve

I am not too sure what to write about this evening. I am feeling rather melancholy. I have also been feeling sorry for myself the past few days. I am not fine: I feel empty, lonely, and sad. My initial urge is to go find a man to help me feel better but I know that truly won't help anything. I also know that I don't like feeling this way and I wonder how much longer I will have to wait before I feel better? This isn't about men or relationships; it never really has been. (Although I thought it was for many, many years.) It is about me never being okay with myself!

Sexual attraction

Sexual attraction. This subject is a murky and painful one for me. I have what I consider to be big problems in this area. Here's my biggest concern: the 2 men that I have been the most sexually attracted to in my life were also the 2 most toxic men that I ever had in my life. It's rather scary actually; for me, sexual attraction and toxic are positively correlated.
I need to break this as soon as possible but I am afraid and I don't know where to begin. Also, what if I never get the chance to experience that type of sexual chemistry with someone non-toxic? Maybe emotionally painful, brief, and meaningless sexual encounters with toxic men are the most I can hope for. God, I sure hope not!!!

Birth control and singledom

Well, today was an interesting day, to say the least. It was full of cravings, self-pity, and longing. 2 months ago, I went to my gynecologist to ask if I could have an IUD. I did this because of my ex, I wanted to make his life easier. I also thought this would make me feel closer to him and make him realize how special I was.
My health insurance had to approve it and ship it to my GYN. Long story short, today was my insertion day and I haven't had sex in 7 weeks. I know this sounds absolutely absurd but I felt so miserable getting this done. One reason was that I no longer have a need for birth control and the other was because I was doing it partly for him and he never cared at all. I have been in a negative, pissy mood all day and I have no idea why. It really stinks to feel this down during Christmas time.

Another milestone

This evening marks another milestone: It has been 7 weeks since I last saw "him". I have been struggling a lot with obsessive thoughts the past few days, mainly ones about his physical appearance which I found very appealing. For example, it's winter and he always grows a thick beard in the winter....don't even get me started on his muscles and all that chest hair....*sigh*
The longing and wishing would drive me insane if I let it. Instead I must realize that I have made it to 7 weeks and although I have my low times, it has gotten easier. I can only imagine that it will continue to get easier until one day it will be gone!

Birthday musings

Today is my 39th birthday. I have done my best to avoid what would be my typical thought patterns of feeling sorry for myself. And, for the most part, I have done pretty well. I took myself out for lunch and did my best to think positive thoughts. However tonight I can't help but feel a little sad. And I know this thought is complete fantasy but here it is nonetheless: the fact that I didn't hear from him hurts. I am not surprised that I didn't, I didn't expect him to reach out.  After all, nothing has changed. It's just my birthday which I am almost 100% sure he didn't remember anyway. I will probably never forget that his birthday is February 1st. Ohhh, but that's right: I cared and he did not. That's the difference.

Age 39

Tomorrow is my 39th birthday. I am equal parts excited and apprehensive about this. I am apprehensive because I only have 1 year left before I turn 40. But I am excited because I feel as if this upcoming year will be the turning point in my life. The days of focusing on unavailable men and trying to pursue a "relationship" with them are over. Seeking someone to fill me up yet feeling constantly empty: that's over too. Because for the very first time in my life, I will be building a relationship with myself. I will be filling myself up. I realize that all of this will take time because it took time (my entire life!) to get this way. However, I am committed to this journey of getting to know myself. Never again will I put someone else first at the expense of myself. One of the biggest truths in life is that you can't truly love anyone else unless you love yourself! 2018 will be the year I find love for myself.

6 weeks

Today marks 6 weeks of NC. I read somewhere that it takes 90 days of abstinence for your brain to break an addiction. That means that I am halfway there. I just need to focus on pushing through during the painful times without breaking NC.

Ups and downs

Ups and downs describe this process perfectly, I think. Sometimes I am feeling über-strong and confident in my abilities to live my life alone (like earlier today) and then other times I miss his voice and touch so much, it physically hurts. (Like right now.) Obviously, like most everything else in life, this is a process. These painful feelings will eventually become less and less while the confident feelings become more and more. I must learn to remain still with the painful and uncomfortable feelings and grieve the loss of someone who became a part of my life. This too shall pass. God give me strength.

Gratitude

Here is my gratitude list for today:
1. A Saturday spent with my son.
2. My dependable powerhouse of a vehicle: my Subaru Legacy.
3. My unexpected Christmas bonus from work that I received yesterday.
4. A visit from my dad just now, bringing me shrimp, chocolate cake, and a card for my birthday!
My heart is full!!! ❤❤❤

Resilience

I was discussing addiction with someone today and truly realized for the first time how many times you have to try to give up your addiction before you are finally able to. For example, I was a half-assed smoker on and off for 10 years. It took me at least 3 attempts to quit cigarettes permanently.
The 2 addictions that cause me the most problems are love addiction (duh) and food. For the past 20 years, I have unconsciously been drawn to toxic relationships with people who I never should have even been friends with, let alone dated. This knowledge has been eye-opening. In all honesty, I feel so sad that I wasted all of that precious time with people who didn't have the capability or desire to appreciate me and what I have to offer.

Counting

I have made it a point to count the days since contact with my latest dose of "pure heroin".  I have been stringent about this because it's so important to me. Do you think it's necessary to do?
I certainly do! Watching those days add up, week by week, means something to me: freedom from my addiction and a restoration of my relationship with myself. Counting is a way to congratulate yourself and actually see how far you have come!
Here's my newest number: 6 weeks. That's the length of time since I last saw my "pure heroin". 6 Thursdays ago, I was getting ready to see HIM and descend into the madness that was our "relationship".
Do I miss the guy? I do, the physical attraction was magical to me. Do I miss the madness, lack of control, and compromising of my self-respect? Hell no!!!

Time

I am sure that everyone has heard of the saying: time heals all wounds. Well, time doesn't erase all wounds but time DOES help.
Last week, I sprained my ankle when I was running. I landed with my opposite knee on the pavement. This evening, I was looking at my knee and was noticing how much better it looks. Now obviously it doesn't look normal but it is healing, there are scabs, and it doesn't hurt nearly as bad.
I have noticed the same thing with my withdrawal from my addiction. Today I actually felt good! Happy, looking forward to the future, and so extraordinarily proud of myself for the progress I have made in the past 37 days. I read somewhere that it takes 90 days of abstinence for your brain to break an addiction: this evening, my therapist pointed out that I am almost halfway there. On Monday, it will be 6 weeks. I thank God everyday for my strength, perseverance, and His support! ❤

One day at a time

I have said before how important taking it one day at a time is. I think that would be my best piece of advice to anyone going through withdrawal from an addiction: take one day at a time to save yourself from being crushed by an overwhelming sense of wanting to give up as soon as it starts to hurt. Take it one hour, one minute, one second at a time if you have to. But whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP! Just be still and take things as they come. As Susan Elliott says, "Make peace with the peace". Let go and let God. Use whatever saying you need to in order to feel better but don't ever stop fighting. I know I sure as hell won't!!!

Fear

Fear is something that I have been thinking alot about today. This is because I am scared to death of making this much needed change. I am filled with fear at the thought of facing life and all of my childhood issues without the promise of a relationship for me to fall back on when it starts to hurt. I am filled with fear at the thought of navigating this life alone, without a partner. My only true partner will be myself who, if I am being honest here, I don't even truly know nor know if I can trust. Some scary stuff indeed!
Today is day #35 of NC, 5 weeks....one important reason why I have not run back to who broke me is my job and my intended career. In order to help people drag themselves out of unhealthy and toxic relationship patterns, I first must drag myself out of my own!

You are not alone!

So I have been struggling a bit the past few days...mostly with the obsessive thoughts about HIM. No, my life wouldn't be better/easier/more peaceful if he were in it. I have been trying to replace these ridiculous thoughts with more realistic ones: someone who doesn't care about me, lives with their mommy, is financially irresponsible, and emotionally unavailable is NEVER GOING TO MAKE MY LIFE BETTER. I need to reread this whenever I feel like I miss him.
Two books/blogs have been giving me much needed hope over the past several weeks: Getting Past Your Breakup and Women Who Love Too Much. Both of these books contain so much relatable information for me, it's a bit uncanny. GPYB also has a companion Facebook support group which has been invaluable to me as well. I am doing my best everyday!

Pondering addiction

I apologize for the negative content of my blog the past few days but no sense in sugarcoating how I am truly feeling, right?
Tonight my thoughts have been centered on addiction for a few reasons. One of these reasons is that my dad has struggled with addiction for the majority of his life and he has never done too much to work on them. His 2 major ones are to alcohol and tobacco. His addictions have absolutely destroyed his life. And yet he continues to be blinded to that truth.
And obviously my 2 major ones are to men and food. When I am not struggling with 1, I am struggling with the other. Or sometimes both simultaneously. Here is my main question....when do you ever feel peace from the demons of your addiction? After a specific time of sobriety? Or does it take death to finally quiet those monsters within?

No quick fixes

One thing that I have learned very quickly over the past 32 days is that there is no "quick fix" to feel better when it comes to going through withdrawal. You can't go around feeling the pain, you have to push directly through it. Boy, does it certainly take some serious pushing some days!!
Sometimes, I feel if I could just have one more chat, one more interaction, one more night of sex then maybe all of this pain would go away! But alas, it doesn't really work like that and I know better. Because one more whatever with my ex was never enough for me, I always wanted more and more of him. Much more than he was able or willing to give, that's for sure. He definitely was my kryptonite, that much was certain. And he knew the power he had over me, he used that to his advantage time and time again. I am breaking that power hold one day at a time...

Self-pity

Ughhh, every month, I get extremely emotional, depressed, and moody. I suppose most women could say that. However the symptom that I have that bothers me the most is feeling sorry for myself! It's really brutal and doesn't help me at all; it just makes me feel worse about myself. For example, my department at work had their Christmas get-together tonight. Every person that came had a partner that they discussed at some point during the evening except me and another woman. I did my best to participate, talk, and laugh and I truly did have an enjoyable time. However I couldn't stop the self pity from coming. How lucky those people are who have partners that they are actually happy with?! I guess I have always wanted to feel like I "belong" with someone, like it's me and him against the world. Like he would always have my back because I am his "girl". I wonder if I will ever heal enough and do enough work on myself that I will have that one day?

30 days!

I have been sober for 30 days! What a fantastic milestone and one that I doubted that I would reach at the beginning of this journey.
I will be honest, I have been feeling like I miss him the past few days but I know that feeling is not based on reality, it's a symptom of this affliction: fantasy thinking and elevating douchebags to a much higher place than they deserve. Also, thinking that I am not strong enough to make it through this or that I won't survive because loneliness and sex deprivation will kill me are 2 more false beliefs! I can do this, I will do this! One day at a time, I will free myself from this miserable prison!!!

Support

One of the best pieces of advice I have to give anyone who is struggling with addiction of any kind is to research, research, research! Learn all you can about your addiction, the causes, symptoms, etc. However, the most useful thing to me so far has been the support I have found in the course of my research. Many addictions have support groups, websites, forums, books, and Facebook pages dedicated to helping people enter into and maintain recovery. Sometimes you have to put in effort and time to find this support but rest assured, it is always time well spent!!!

28 days later...

I am still here and still fighting. Actually it seems as if I am even thriving! 4 entire weeks of no contact in any way, shape, or form, I would never have dreamt that I had the strength for such an undertaking especially considering how much I "needed and wanted" him. This is my truth: I need myself. I have needed myself for the past 38 years and every time I got involved in a toxic relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, I deserted and abandoned myself. Well, never again. If someone doesn't see the value in me, I will not waste one more second of my precious time waiting around for them to do so. To end this post, I wanted to quote the author Susan Elliott who wrote this on a post of mine in a FB breakup support forum. This response was in reply to a post of mine about being hurt that I haven't heard from him:
"He reaches out and then what? What happens? What does that look like?  And why does it matter?  He has his head totally up his ass and you want validation from him that you're worth something? The contact from a completely screwed up person who can't see the value of having you in his life would mean something?  Why?"

These are powerful and helpful words. The truth will always set me free!

Turning the negative into a positive!

Because I have been feeling a bit negative lately, I decided to force myself to write a positive blog post in hopes that it might make my mood a little more positive as well.
Here's a positive thought: Even though I have been missing/craving my ex like HELL and the void he left in my life has made me feel so empty, there is one good thing here. I have not sacrificed my dignity or self-respect. All of these days and weeks later, those things are still intact. And because of the fact that I ended things with him and how I chose to do so was so empowering, I went out on a high note for possibly the first time in my entire life. I am alone, lonely, sexless, and hurt HOWEVER I have taken the power back, I will never allow anyone to walk all over me and take, take, take while I give, give, give. No more.

Pain

I have been feeling a significant amount of pain in the last few days so it's something that I have been thinking alot about. Why am I feeling it and where is it coming from? Is it the actual experience of withdrawal from an addiction or the fact that I am hurting because of the loss of someone that I cared about and talked to every day for 5 months? In actuality, it's probably a combination of the two.
While I realize the decision to end contact with him was my own, the fact that he hasn't tried to reach out in the past almost 4 weeks is extremely hurtful to me. I am neither surprised nor expecting contact however if there was one iota of caring ever present, he would have tried to make contact in some way. I think this seems to be his final "fuck you". Ironically I thought that he had lobbed all he had in his arsenal at me by now.

Wisdom from experience

Today is day 25. I am hanging in there.  Considering the circumstances, I guess you could say that I am thriving. I have almost made it 4 weeks without having any type of contact whatsoever with my own version of "pure heroin". Here are a few things I have learned so far:
1. Be prepared to fight your addiction every single day. Every. Damn. Day. Some days will be harder than others and vice versa but it's something you WILL have to face and fight every day.
2. When you have weak moments and you think you won't make it one second longer without engaging in your addiction of choice, find a good distraction. Distractions shouldn't be used all the time because then you aren't dealing with the root problem. However, distractions are good for some soothing relief in emergencies.
3. Make sure you praise yourself everyday for the progress you have made because YOU DESERVE IT!
4. Never, ever give up fighting. Sometimes it's an uphill bitch of a battle but just remember: you aren't alone. I am on the same hill, sometimes struggling but always determined to succeed!!!